Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: Don’t Look Back
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“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
A relationship from my teen years still makes me wince whenever the girl’s name comes to mind and I think about the hurt I caused her. One day recently I was wondering and praying about looking her up to tell her how sorry I felt for how I acted twenty-five years ago.
One of my best friends — a marriage and family therapist from San Diego — adamantly opposed the idea. “Gary,” Steve said, “I’m thinking this is more about you than it is her.” In his counseling experience, Steve has discovered that looking up someone after two and a half decades can be dangerous; you don’t know where he or she is coming from or what’s happening in his or her life. The potential for hurt is just as great as the potential for healing.
But the clincher came when he said, “Look, why don’t you take all the energy you’re using thinking about this and spend it on planning how you can love your wife today?”
That’s when it dawned on me: Guilt attacks us by using a dead relationship to distract us from a living one.
I remember the time a woman approached me after I had taught on the topic of sacred history — the meaning two people build together when they persevere through the difficult seasons in life. After hearing me talk, she felt convinced she had sought an unbiblical divorce with her first husband — but it was too late to go back. She had remarried and her ex-husband had remarried, and now she was poisoning her current marriage with a dead relationship from the past.
“The real danger here,” I said, “is that through this guilt about the past, you’ll fail to love your second husband, just like you failed your first husband. It seems to me your charge is to focus on loving your current husband like he’s never been or ever will be loved. You need to stop thinking about your first husband, and focus on the husband you’re called to love now.”
I saw a light go on in her countenance when I said this — and I could see visible relief on her second husband’s face. Clearly, he had been feeling cheated.
Some things in our past can’t be “fixed.” You can repent, you can ask for forgiveness; but you can’t always go back — nor should you try. Some of us are more introspective and hold on to our guilt in such a way that we become blinded to our present obligations.
When guilt comes knocking on your door about a failed relationship from the past, start praying about how to love your spouse today. Don’t let a dead relationship pollute or weigh down a living one.
For others, the dead relationship isn’t about guilt but about fantasy. These folks allow a relationship that never worked out to steal the energy they should be pouring into their marriage. “If only I had married him instead!” they think, or, “I wonder what so-and-so is doing right now?” So instead of praying about how to love his or her spouse, he or she daydreams about being married to this other person.
There are few things so destructive and self-defeating as giving way to such fantasies — fantasies that can’t be fulfilled in a biblically appropriate way. Since there’s little chance this relationship can happen (I’ve heard people confess they’ve tried to justify these thoughts by wondering what might happen if their current spouse died), it is simply wasted time — time stolen from what you could be using to make your current marriage more meaningful.
Besides, there’s a reason behind why this dead relationship isn’t a living one! Our memories tend to be very selective. We forget the negative and fixate on the positive — and every such fantasy robs our spouses of energy and thought that should be expended on them.
Don’t look back. You’re cheating your spouse — and ultimately yourself — when you do. Pour all your energy into something current and real.
About the Author
This devotional was written by Gary L. Thomas. Reprinted with permission from his book, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples (Zondervan), copyright 2005, Gary L. Thomas. Read more about Gary: http://www.talk.thelife.com/gary-thomas/
Questions
1. How can we stand guard against the guilt and fantasy Satan uses to attack our marriages?
2. Spend some time praying that we will choose to love our spouses like they’ve never been loved before.
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16 Responses to “Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: Don’t Look Back”
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Thanks for your honesty Ann! And for the reminder to recognize who the enemy is and what he is throwing your way! We have indeed made a covenant before God and man ’til death do us part’ and as you said, the devil wants to destroy our marriages! What an awesome reminder ….thanks for posting!
This one really hit home with me as well. Thank you for the devotion. I’m celebrating a 15th anniversary. But, through the years, I’ve thought what if I’d married so and so. And some times finding myself hating to see my husband come up the drive. When we decided to renew our vows this year, you wouldn’t believe what all the devil through my way. Actually had one person ask me out and say, it’s not going to hurt anything my kids will be with me. I’m glad that I remember my vows. It helped me during this temptation and I just kept repeating to the devil, for better or for worse, til death do us part. Thank you God for my marriage. The devil wants to destroy marriages. He knows how powerful we are as a “Team”
It was a blessing for me to read this devotion! My husband (who is not a Christian) were separated for a year. We have now been back together for almost another year. Although we were in short-term counseling it is sometimes hard for me not to compare him to other men who are Christians and wonder if I did the right thing. Thank you for focusing on loving our husbands with all our hearts and not to give in to the temptation of Satan dangling another man before us.
This one clearly struck a chord. I’m looking forward to more of Gary Thomas’ writings on marriage this month.
Margaret, you bring up an interesting point regarding the internet. It makes it unbelievably easy to connect with old flames (or anyone). A decade ago, you might have to hire a private detective to track someone down; today all you have to do is put his/her name in Google. So thanks for your cautionary words. They’re a reminder that the online world is a place where we need to be alert, to flee temptation, to walk in the light.
Marriage can be tough and it needs constant tender love and care or it will windle away.
I just read a book by Gary Smalley called The DNA of Relationships! Read it, it is amazing! It puts things into a real perspective on the power that we hold to make our marriages better, even if the other person is not willing. For every negative there is like 5 positives. so we should be focusing on those and really try to see our husbands through the eyes of Jesus!
I refuse to let Satan get a hold of my marriage ever again. and I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned next for my marriage!
God is so good!
You are very wise Brigitte! We all need to flee temptation and every appearance of evil! Not only does the dog in the story above bite us because we get to close, sometimes we also feed that same dog and then wonder when he gets larger and stronger!!!
Another thing that this devotional reminded me of was that not only do past relationships affect our marriage, but so do relationships with our fathers. In the early years of our marriage I often reacted to my husband with emotions that were totally out of line with the behavior or actions. When I realized that I was reacting because of what my father had done, I was released from my reactions. How good to remember to apply Philippians 4:8 in our thoughts towards our husbands and truly love them as they have never loved before! Thanks Stacy for that challenge!
Also to answer the question… how do we stand guard against Satans attacks… I always stay as far away from my past as possible. I have been on the same job for 10 years and only married for 6. So a couple of my ex boyfriends still ring my work number from time to time.
If I answer and its them, I have to let them know its best we don’t talk and I ALWAYS turn them down when they suggest lunch or something.
The best way I know to stand against Satans attacks and is to stay far away from the temptation and don’t put yourself in that situation.
I once heard a story that said Satan is like a dog chained to a fence. We often claim he is after us, when really he bit us because we got too close.
WOW… It amazes me how God uses others to speak to your needs. I really appreciate this blog and hearing from a man’s point of view.
I am in my first marriage and this is the second for my husband, it is very enlightening to hear about failed past marriages and how to deal with your current marriage issues biblically.
I think in these days and times many people are in blended families and this was very inspiring.
I appreciate this devotional it was a blessing to me today.
I have been married faithfully for 27 yrs. Last summer an old beau from high school found me on Classmates.com. The fun we have had writing back and forth has been great, and yet… and yet if I am honest, I must admit the times that life has been challenging this year I have spent time thinking more and more of this man and less of my husband. I have shared with this man things I didn’t share with my husband about the pain in my heart.
Beware, women of faith. Guard your gates. Satan looks for small chinks in the armor, no matter how old or faithful we are. What a wake up call this devotional is for me.
Today’s devotional really hit home with me. I am remarried and never really realized all the emotional baggage that I carried with me into my marriage from past relationships. I have been trying make sure that I don’t repeat past mistakes in this marriage that I have taking time away from loving my husband according to the bible. I have blinded myself from the love my husband has had for me that now there is a great distance between us. It is time that I start living for my marriage and stop trying fix what happened in the past.
This devo speaks beyond just marriages, yesterday’s or today’s. Past relationships and our regrets and guilt concerning them can hinder our Christian walk and new relationships in so many ways. If I continue to live out my guilt from yesterday’s failed relationships and circumstances, then I am likely to miss out on the new opportunities God has given me today. I’m in the midst of a divorce after 3 years of separation and I’ve been struggling with a short-term relationship that was nothing but a mistake from the beginning. I have been defining myself by my failures. My regrets and guilt from both relationships have blinded me to all the blessings and new beginnings God has so graciously given me. HE is all I need. It’s time to start living TODAY rather than YESTERDAY!
I am totally living thru this devotional. I am not married yet but I am in a serious courting relationship where I know this guy is “the chosen one by God”. And my past relationships are affecting my current relationship because I tend to compare him to others more and more each day. Its like I want him to become someone he really is not ignoring is authentic attributes and overall how much he loves God. Thanks for putting me in check with this devotional.
I DID look to see who wrote it but not for gender infomation. It doesn’t matter to me.. Did I miss something? What’s important is to realize what we say and do is sin and it hurts others. The sooner THAN later policy is best when dealing with saying sorry. Seeking forgiveness is key right away. Forgiveness brings freedom to love others and keeps my relationship with God open. In my own life, I may not be able to seek forgiveness from my past but the fact that I know Christ today only adds to my testimony. As a result of the bad choices, my ignorance and sometimes fallen nature I can honestly say it is part of who I am in Christ. I thank God for those experiences. And occasionally I pray for those people in my past. God is able to do far more above what I could ever hope or ask for! Today I am much better at making the right choices and I am learning to say sorry right away. AMEN!
This is truely an eye opener for me. I like in this story have an ex-husband and I see some of these things in my marriage today. I’ve been working on them for sometime. So reading a mans point of view is nice.
Thank you,
Margaret
Thank you for this particular devotional today. Sometimes I forget the principles set for in this devotional and in God’s word about wholeheartedly loving our spouse. God Bless, Tame
This is the first of Gary Thomas’ devotions on marriage that we’ll publish this month. The book we’re drawing them from, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage, is one of the meatier, more practical and more God-centric devotional collections I’ve seen for couples. I’m eager to read it with my husband, and the suggestion of one per week is definitely do-able.
To my married sisters: May God help you love your husband like he’s never been loved before!
P.S. How did you feel today about reading a devotional written from a man’s perspective?