The awesome news is that Jesus heals, restore and allows us to remember our painful past but without the pain, shame or bitterness, when we surrender it all to him. So that he can use our past to bless others. Our suffering is not in vain. We learn and grow and are able to help others by sharing as we are right now. Sharing makes us feel like we are not alone and there are others out there going through the same thing and they are able to understand us. And that in itself brings comfort.

Suffering also makes us aware of how the devil works in God’s people lives. He wants to kill and destroy, but we are told in the word of God that God can heal and restore us. Amen

Like the song “Life is Worth the Living Just Because He lives” When I think about where I came from the trauma and abuse and who I am now, I am amazed how I have been healed and restored by Jesus. It is as if it never happened. I am at total peace. And you will to as you daily surrender it all to Jesus. He is the only one who can heal, restore and deliver!

Look what Jesus went through for us all on the cross. To make things right for us and the Father. He suffered more than the whole world’s suffering put together. That is one of the things that has helped me to surrender my pain to him. Jesus more than anyone understands pain, abuse, rejection, hurtful words and accusations and tremendous beating and finally death on the cross for us.

Yet with all that Jesus defeated death and the devil and so shall you Dianne. This is an exciting time in history to be alive and serving Jesus. He has given us so much power and authority to have victory in our lives. And Victory to me begins with forgiving others, forgiving ourselves and taking hold of God’s words and promises for our healing and deliverance and growths. This to shall pass and that is a promise if you follow Him.

We do not have to be slaves to pain and suffering or bondage of any kind. We have the word and promises of God that breaks those chains of bondage. Can you tell that I am so excited that there is power in the name of JESUS and his word. Read it and claim it. It is your to claim. God has given us all a blank check with his signature on it. All we have to do is fill it in with our need and in FAITH.

Dianne, When the devil reminds you of your hurtful past, please remind him of his future burning in hell one day. We who love Jesus will all be witnessing the devil being thrown into hell. You see I read the ending of the bible, so I know the ending and it is awesome!

His promise to us all:
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. Psalm 118:5

I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. Psalm 119:32

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

[ Freedom in Christ ] It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

I will be in prayer for you my sister-in-JESUS!

Aida

be strong and hold on, as i am trying my best to do. it will all work out. HE will make sure of that. God is GOOD.

We ended up attending an Al-Anon meeting (for family members and friends of aloholics) instead, and the topic was “forgiveness.”

Tonight we went to the first Celebrate Recovery (a “kick-off” event) at our church, and one of the singers gave a testimony about growing up with a drug addicted father (began with prescribed pain medications) and how she forgave him before he died.

My dad abused me. I forgave him years before he died. I was reminded of some of the ugliness of the past last year (the last year he was alive)when he became psychotic (for a month or so) due to recieving a cortisone shot (being diabetic, it shot his blood sugar way up, and then it took the rest of the month for him to stabilize), and then again when he became delirious (“drug-induced delerium”)due to pain medications he was given in the hospital during the 3 weeks before he died (from medication and treatment errors).

These episodes reminded me of how bad he could be during those years that I was growing up. I started to feel some resentment again, only this time it was about how he was treating mom.

Partly as a result of this resentment, partly because I was trying to practice healthy boundaries, partly because I was trying to help him to continue to do as much for himself as possible, and partly because I had been going through crises of my own (i.e. homelessness due to domestic violence during part of this time), I did not give dad the frequency of, and to some extent, the same kind of love and attention that I had given him over the last 10+ years.

Now, I feel like I botched up some of the progress we had made over the years, both during most of last year and also during the time he was in the hospital. I suspect that he formed some fresh resentments toward me while he was in the hospital, too (he expressed some pretty intense anger and distrust and frustration at me a few times)–ones which he might’ve even taken to the grave with him.

I wish I knew for sure, but I will never know (at least not on this earth), because he was rarely lucid enough to communicate clearly in the hospital, and even when he could, his physical problems were so bad that they overshadowed almost everything. He was physically unstable, so adding to his emotional distress (which a topic like that would have) would have been a dangerous thing to do.

I’ve been in denial about a number of things surrounding dad’s death for about 9 months, and am only now starting to look at some of them (finally got into a faith-based grief workshop).

I don’t know how all of these threads are going to tie in together in the long run, but the subjects of forgiveness and grace and grief and abuse and guilt and recovery and witnessing are all folding in around me right now, and I’m up writing about this (at 3 am) because I’m “too awake” and feeling a little sick to my stomach (I know that grief does these things to me, too).

Sometimes things seem a little “too real” at the very same time that they don’t seem real at all. I know I’ll get through this, but I just wanted to share in case reading about the timeliness of these many things might mean something to someone else, besides me.