Workplace Boundaries
by Vonette Bright
**Is your marriage in need of some help? http://christianwomentoday.com/advice/gbfriendship.html
“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted” (Hebrews 2:18).
For Nancy Anderson, having no boundaries in the workplace was a recipe for marital disaster. She would receive praise from a male co-worker. When she got home, she met criticism from her husband. Her marriage was nearly destroyed. And her experience should be a word of caution to you.
You also need to establish boundaries at work. Talk with your husband about boundaries. Be wary of sitting next to the same male co – worker in meetings. Avoid lingering eye contact, personal emails and text messages. On business trips, meet in the lobby, not a hotel room. Consuming alcohol will weaken your inhibitions. Keep everything on a professional level… including how you dress. Modesty is very important.
Dear friend, protect your marriage by establishing Godly boundaries.
[Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome by Nancy Anderson www.nancycanderson.com]
About the Author: http://talk.thelife.com/authors/vonette/
34 Responses to “Workplace Boundaries”
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Barbara, Marilyn, Tracy and everyone else… thank you all! It has been an especially difficult few days. Have been battling to seek something to be thankful for everyday and not let the nightmares get me down. Thankfully, they seem to be going away. Seeking to find rest and comfort in our Heavenly Father’s love. Also holding on as best i can to what Tracy said, ‘God is NOT finished with our marriages yet’, and He WILL bring something beautiful out of the ashes.
Another good set of books to read is Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge, and for the men Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.
Dear All this has been an amazing set of responses. It shows that God is working in ALL our lives. we have listened responded and most of all prayed. I believe that God has called us to be a group of sisters united in our love for God and one another.
I have a request tomorrow at 11.30 GMT I am at a disciplinary hearing at work. I have basically been complained about 4 times. Thfirst time in 7 years at the school. I am guilty of being me, I am a fun loving adult aged 44 going on 16 whoops. I used the term retarded chipmonks to a group of 11 year olds to get them to move on to reading I should have just been heavy with them ( humour has always wrked well before. One girl has told her mother that I said it to her I did not. so tomorrow I find my fate. Please pray the rest of the staff agree it is political correctness gone CRAZY
Thank you
Barbara, my heart is truly broken for you and your situation! I understand the struggles of being unequally yoked in marriage (my husband and I were married 17 years, had two young children, and were basically living as singles sharing a home, raising the same children, when I became a believer) While I have never experienced the anguish of known infidelity, I am all too familiar with the loneliness and rejection of a loveless marriage. It must be incredibly difficult to make all the decisions for your family, and face the uncertainty of your ex-husband’s financial resposibility to his children. However, I would caution you in regards to accepting financial assistance from a man to whom you are not married. You are very wise to consider his long-term intentions. I would encourage you, instead, to seek the counsel of your pastor, or a trusted spiritual advisor, regarding your circumstances. As for your children, perhaps there is some Christian-based recovery program designed specifically for the children of divorce at your church, or at a local church in your area. Or, perhaps, a young adult mentoring program which you could check into. Be careful not to disparrage your ex-husband to their father — in time, they will see for themselves what he is all about. The most important thing is for you and your family to be connected to a Bible-believing, vital Christian fellowship, where you can be fed spiritually and ministered to tangibly. You have been betrayed by the men in your life, and it is very understandable that you might feel bitterness toward your ex-husband, but it is not useful to you, and can actually hinder your spiritual growth. Surrender your ex-husband to God, and He will exchange your bitterness for Godly sorrow. He will help you see your ex-husband as He sees him — a fallen man desperately in need of the Savior! As you offer forgiveness (whether or not it is sought), you will be set free! It will liberate you to move in the direction God has planned for you, and He will illuminate your path. He will open doors/windows for you as you trust Him. And, remember, dear Barbara, God is not like the men who have turned on you — He is faithful, loving, kind, and forever! May you know that kind of love!!
Dear Eve, your prayer was a balm for my heart, and I thank you and praise Him for the blessing that you are! Jesus truly IS our answer, our Rock and our Refuge! It is He that sustains us, comforts us, guides us through these turbulent waters. He stands guard around our hearts, ready to do battle with the enemy. Let us remember who our enemy is — it is Satan, not our husbands, though he uses them to try to defeat us. Fight for your marriage, Eve! You are blessed that your husband’s heart is soft, that he would be sensitive to your fears. There are two books that I read, then gave to my daughter and her fiance, titled For Women Only and For Men Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. These little books are treasures for identifying the unique needs of men and women, and encouraging emotional/spiritual/physical intimacy between husbands and wives. Not having the blessing of a Christian marriage to model for our children, the Holy Spirit lead me to find these books (I had never heard of the author.) These books have been such a tremendous blessing to my daughter and her now-husband (they are very devoted Christians), and they, in turn, have shared them with many of their engaged/married friends. Ask God to change your mistrust for your husband (whether or not it is valid) into desire for him. Expect Satan to obstruct and hinder you, but God is for you and will defend you and your marriage! May God surround you with His presence and peace, as you fight this battle!
Marilyn and Eve:
I can relate!!! I was divorced 9-11-06 after several years with an emotionally abusive manipulative alcoholic. We have 4 kids and I now have the 2 youngest with no child support from him. He played head games with me and now I’m left picking up the pieces of my life after 20 years with him. He used the kids as weapons and when the game was no fun anymore, he left the state and I have struggled for over a year with no financial help from him.
My dad betrayed my mom with her best friend when I was 9 and I often wonder where the good men are – if there are any at all? I tried desperately to avoid putting my kids through a divorce situation, but my husband went out to lunch daily with her and out of town trips with his female coworker and wouldn’t call home – torturing me emotionally. Of course he denied anything funny was going on, but she is now divorced after 35 years and living with my ex. I never bought that they were not up to something, but guys like that try to turn the tables and make you feel like you are the crazy one being all paranoid. My dad did that to my mother too.
I prayed for my marriage and my husband’s salvation, but to no avail. He wanted nothing to do with the “holy rollers.” He spent every Sunday at Wal-mart spending money that we didn’t have to spend. I have to let go of the bitterness, for my sake as well as my kids, but it is very hard. I try not to dwell on the past and move forward, but I am struggling in many ways. He let our house go back to the bank, just because of his negligence. I have bad credit as a result and now my car has broken down. I do have a new relationship with a guy that has helped me financially. But I wish that I could go get a loan, and not be dependent on him either. He recently made me feel a little guilty that he is shelling out money to help me, and I don’t need that. I don’t know at times if ANY man can be trusted. I want this guy to show me that he has long term plans with me since we’ve been together over a year and a half, but he’s committment phobic. I struggle with my emotions, because it seems like many guys want their cake and eat it too. I know I cannot take any more emotional pain from anyone.
God bless ALL marriages struggling to stay intact. Mine didn’t make it, but that’s what happens with an unbelieving spouse. I pray that God sends a God-fearing man my way, if it’s not the one I’m with. I want my son (8) to have a godly influence in his life. My kids don’t need any more emotional damage either. Thank you, Eve, for the wonderful prayer!
Thank you everyone for your prayers!
Dear Marilyn, my heart breaks for you. It is truly a terrible feeling to be in loveless marriage and to have it said to you. I was in that place not too long ago. It is truly through God’s grace (and some very good friends) that i have survived that period in my life. The loneliness, hurt, and feelings of doubt can truly get to you. While my husband did not say it straight to my face that he did not love me anymore (if he did, i would have walked away), it was communicated through his non-verbal reactions/responses. I sincerely hope that i am right in saying that we are both trying to move forward, i know that i am, and can only continue to turn my heart and emotions to God.
Dear Heavenly Father, i thank You for all the blessings and gifts that You have showered all of us with. Teach us to appreciate all that we have and to be thankful for our daily treasures. Today, i pray especially for all of us who are going through the valley in our marriages. The road is small and rough, grant us Your comfort, strength, wisdom, patience, love and mercy. Help us to forgive those who have hurt us, that we may walk into the freedom of Your love. I lift up our husbands to You Lord, soften their hearts of stone and turn them to hearts of flesh. Fill them with the Holy Spirit and Your love. Direct the steps of our husbands Lord, lead them in Your light, teach them Your ways, so they will walk in Your truth. I pray that they may have a deeper walk with You and an ever progressing hunger for Your word.
Teach us Lord, to love one another as You have loved us. In Jesus most precious name. Amen!!!
pray for you and for God to turn both our husband’s hearts from stone to flesh.
eve
nightmares are very scary i have had some too. i will be praying for you. one good thing to say is devel get away from me i belong to God there is no place here for you it helps me.
blessings and i will pray that for you
sharon
Dear, dear Eve, your words did not hurt or offend me. I recognize the damaging impact that an emotional affair can have on a marriage, and I am sorry that your husband doesn’t honor his vows to have ‘eyes only for you.’ While I don’t believe that my husband is straying emotionally or physically with another woman, as I have not seen any evidence, there remains no connection between us, beyond casual conversation. He no longer loves me, he has said as much. But, he seems to believe that staying in the marriage satisfies his obligations to God. So, I remain suspended in a loveless marriage, with no biblical defense for divorce. My heart truly longs for my husband to come to Jesus, that He might change my husband’s heart of stone to a heart of flesh, but I have learned that I must trust God’s timing, and lean on Him for my unmet needs. God is teaching me patience, perseverence, forgiveness as I wait on Him. And, He shows me great mercy when I fail! As for your frightening dreams, Eve, it is definitely wise for you to share these with your counselor, as she may have suggestions/ideas for you to try at bedtime. And, remember, “absent from the body is present with the Lord”, so do not fear these dreams. Instead, think of them as visits with your Savior!
Dear Tracy, thank you for your wise words. I have already been in this situation for almost two years. I have sought counsel, and do have someone here that i talk to face to face and who prays with me and for me. I thank God for her everyday. It is clear that this is a spiritual attack now that things are slowly getting better. The devil is trying hold both of us back in the past.
I am in that transition phase where things are getting better, but you are still afraid to believe and totally let go. I am struggling as i think my husband is too. Change is always difficult and maybe a part of us wants to remain in a place that is comfortable and easy to be in. For me, it’s about protecting myself and not trusting that he is not lying to me anymore, although, i have unintentionally caught him in several lies recently. Sometimes he makes it so difficult to trust. I have been hurt so many times before and i am afraid to be hurt again. It’s wanting to be in ‘control’ and know that he is being honest. I need to get past this. I need to be able to trust regardless, to give him the benefit of the doubt. Not being able to trust someone you love is a torture. It really messes you up.
For him, it’s holding on to a comfortable emotional attachment that feels good even though it may not be the right thing to do. It’s difficult to let go of someone who makes you feel like you are the most amazing person to walk on the face of this earth, and in whose eyes you can do no wrong. Who doesn’t hold you accountable for anything. He has his other issues and demons to deal with, and to deal with them means facing up to them, taking responsibility, and also turning them over to God and letting God sort them and you out. A very painful process which not many people are willing to face.
It will be a long long journey, and the road will probably continue to be rocky and bumpy, occasionally lonely. I pray for patience and strength to walk in love to the finish line, to the marriage that God intended for us.
Eve please go and seek wise council and prayer from somebody you trust .Whilst all here can lift you in prayer I feel that you need to be face to face with somebody.
I know exactly where you are coming from on the comments you made about being your own detective and not sure I am in that place . I have given it to God which was very hard but I do know that God is in control and he needs to be left to work things out in his own timing. The devil revels in our weakness, so I know its hard but lets be strong .
God Bless all ((((((EVE))))))
Dear ladies, please pray for me. I have been having a recurring nightmare in which i always end up dead. There have been times that i have died three times in one night. It is always the same nightmare and it’s disturbing me. Sometimes i am afraid to go to bed and sometimes i can’t wait to go to bed in the hopes that i will not wake.
Dear Marilyn, i’m sorry if i have been insensitive with my words about emotional betrayal. I did not mean for it to hurt you (or anyone else) in any way. I think that you are a very strong and i am so proud of you for walking away the way you did. I will be praying for your marriage. Your husband has married someone very special. (((Marilyn)))
The reason why i feel the way i do is because i have been emotionally betrayed by my husband, and to a certain extent, i think the emotional attachment that he has formed is still going on. I have no way of proving it now because i have told myself that i am not going to play my own private investigator anymore. I need to learn to trust him again and to trust God too, and not rely on my own strength and ways of working things out. We have spoken about it and he says that there is nothing going on. He has been making an effort to be more caring and sensitive towards me, but somehow, it feels cold and empty. Almost like he is just going through the motions, but isn’t really there. There are many little things that bug me, his words and body language that sound/ look like there is something more, or something to hide. Things that don’t make sense or match up, etc.. i’m trying to put it all out of my mind and not dwell on it. Not let the past cloud or mar the present. It is so very difficult and lonely. I miss him so much.. my best friend whom i could share everything with. Yes, i know that God is with me and can fulfill my every need, but right now, what i need is a warm and sincere hug from my husband, and that is something that God can’t give me. Or am i wrong?
Joy, thank you for your loving prayers of support! It means alot to know that others want to share our burdens, and lift them up to our heavenly Father! And, Tracy, thank you for your words of encouragement — it appears that, while we are an ocean apart, we share similar circumstances and the same spiritual battle for our marriages. Praise God that your husband is sensitive enough to be willing to watch a marriage-building program with you!
If people want to be in a safe chat place try cafemom this is a US based site like facebook but so far I have only encountered christians.
Eve
I certainly agree with you on that face book stuff. I was sent so things by a daughter of a some friends of ours (she is also a good friend) and I thought this was going to be great I could see pictures of their small girls and the renovations they had done to their house (they are about 6 hours away from us). However one day a message was sent that she had some questions for me to answer…….like what kind of guys do you like and then you picked the one you wanted and believe me this was NOT something I was going to put my name to………I can sure imagine some boundaries getting pushed with this, it’s something you think will be great, but it turns out to be something that could be really bad. I chucked it really quick after that and I sure hope everyone else can see it for what it really is. I guess we need extra prayers for all the friends we know that have got into this.
Joy
i don’t know if any of you wonderful women know each other , I know I do noknow any of you but isn’t it great that God uses us from where we are to help each other. I marvel at the comments left here daily and know that God is in Charge. AND KNOWS BEST ((((ALL))))
eve i agree with you.
sharon
Tracy, i am so glad to hear that things are slowly working out between you and your husband. One baby step at a time. You are right in what you wrote to Marilyn.. God is NOT finished with our marriages yet, and He WILL bring something beautiful out of the ashes. (((TRACY)))
I completely agree about FaceBook, Friendster and the like. I have deliberately kept away from joining any of these sites even though many of my friends are trying to persuade me to. It just feels like some online pick-up joint. It was just proven to me recently when two male friends were talking about it and one was commenting on how ‘hot’ the girls are on the other’s site. This guy is in a serious relationship, what on earth is he doing checking out the girls on someone else’s site and talking about them when his partner is not around. Do not get me wrong, i’m not saying that we cannot make new friends, the key question here is: what is his intention?
It is also true that boundaries need to be drawn, not just in the work place, but in our daily lives. Temptation is EVERYWHERE, and if we are not careful, it’s easy to get caught and sucked into it. Everyone wants to feel desired and cared for, and we become increasingly vulnerable especially when we are feeling low or rejected by our loved ones. It all starts with a simple and innocent friendly gesture.. coffee/ lunch with a colleague/ friend, gets increasingly more frequent, proceeds to dinner, etc etc. Some people feel that if you don’t sleep with the person, then it’s ok, but that’s not true. An emotional betrayal hurts just as much and destroys trust as well.
I shall stop rambling on. Praying that God will protect our hearts, mind and eyes from wandering. May we turn to Him in our need and He will fill us with His love. Stand firm in faith!!!
Marilyn it is so hard living alongside a man who does not give yus our sexual desires. Even down to a basic hug. I have had no sexual relations with my husband for 18 months. We do share a bed but he comes to bed way after me and leaves the bed at 6am ish. I have tried hugging but he pulls away. as I have already said we have been watching a programm called sex after marriage on British TV it has been amazing to see other couple going through the same and seeing stratagies that have healed these hurts. now I know that God is the greatest healer but he alo puts earthly tools in our path to help us. Now I am not saying that my husband is about to jump into bed with me because we have watched a tv programm , but it has given us food for thought. For me it has shown me how I need to change,my husband commented the other day that he did things wrong as well that is the first time he has in any way accepted responsability.
Hang in there God has not finished with your marriage he will make a great work happen.
God Bless
Marilyn
My heart goes out to you, I know where your coming from!!
I will pray for you!
Joy
dianne hope you fell better
blessings
sharon
I agree completely that women need to take loving resposibility for guarding their hearts when they ‘feel’ that their husbands are not meeting their emotional needs. I understand this temptation all too well, as I drifted toward that potentially destructive lure after 20 years of marriage. As a relatively new believer, in a very difficult marriage, I found myself increasingly drawn to a male co-worker, who seemed happy to see me, and made me ‘feel’ cared about and desired. It was an ‘emotional affair.’ I struggled with the Holy Spirit’s conviction of the sinful nature of this friendship, wanting to please the God Who showed mercy on me and saved me from my sins, and yet longing for the human emotional connection that this friendship offered. By God’s abundant grace, I quit my job to obey the prompting of the Holy Spirit, never having allowed this relationship to go any further than the ‘emotional’ level. And, so, I went back to my fractured marriage (my husband is not a believer, is an angry, emotionally abusive man, and we have been married now for 30 years.) My husband walked out on Christian marriage counselling, and has no interest in salvaging our marital relationship. He continues to live with me, without intimate connection, apparently to fulfill his marriage ‘vows.’ I continue to guard my heart, both from adulterous temptation and from my husband’s rejection. God has been my husband since this affair, always ready and waiting for me to run to in my sorrow and loneliness. And, while I still long for my earthly husband to desire me, I am in awe that the God, Who made heaven and earth, and all the stars, Who commands all of nature — He loves me intimately and completely!!
The other area we need to bcareful is places like My space and face book, (despite what my children say we are never to old to catch up with old friends). I had someone on Myspace that had searched me ou and wanted to go further and again on friends reunited my first boyfriend found me at first it was ok to catch up then I realised that he wanted more so I cancelled it So ladies beware. My husband found one girl through a chat room need I say more. Hope you feel better Dianne and where can I find you book Nancy Please. God Bless and have a blessed Holy day of rest.
Just wanted to say my Internet is back up again! I’ve got a bit of the flu, though, and a lot of catching up to do here, so for now I’m just going to bed. God bless you all, ladies.
:-} Dianne
I love this article and appreciate Nancy’s openness so much. Ladies everywhere need to hear more of this. And temptation can come anywhere, not just at work, even at church, yes, at church. My current “band-wagon” is teaching women how to dress more modestly.
I believe woman should concentrate on being keepers at home more than anything, but so many of us have to work. And we must guard our hearts. I have a wonderful marriage of twenty-five years, but yes, I’ve been tempted at work. If it were not for my relationship with Christ, I’m sure I would have pursued other relationships. But praise the Lord, I’ve been able to remain faithful through Christ who strengthens me. And the Lord has taught me so much about how men perseive our actions and attitudes, which so much includes how we dress. Nancy Lee DeMoss sets some wonderful Biblical standards in her book “The Look” such as: dress to please only God, wear nothing too tight, too revealing, too klingy. Our church praise team has adopted keeping skirts below the knee, no visible cleavage even when bending over, keeping God’s house a safe place for men who are so visual-minded. There’s’ so much we can do to keep ourselves from not only being tempted, but from tempting others. And we owe it to ourselves, God, and everyone else to hold high standars of fidelity, and especially to our husbands.
The devotional was written about me and the SINFUL choices I made when I chose to follow my feelings instead of God’s Word. But the good news is, God forgave me and so did my husband! I broke off ALL ties with my coworker, quit my job, and we began again with Christ as the new foundation in our marriage. I had believed the world’s lie and thought “I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY” and that lie almost cost me everything. My affair was 25 years ago and we will soon celebrate our 30th anniversary! TO GOD BE THE GLORY!
My book tells the whole story and how to avoid making the mistakes we made. It’s titled AVOIDING THE GREENER GRASS SYNDROME BY NANCY C ANDERSON
I believe that marriages are an area that Satan loves to attack. My husband has never been physically unfaithful but he does struggle with pornography. He has an accountability partner at church and that helps him a great deal. He’s a semi driver so he’s away from home for a week at a time.
Tracy,I don’t believe that you are in any way responsible for your husband having an affair. Yes, there may be things that you should do that you haven’t been doing but in the end,it was your husband’s choice to stray. I’m so glad that the 2 of you are working things out. God designed marriage and He will be with the 2 of you as you work through this. God bless you!
Cyndy
good advice
sharon
Teresa DO NOT LET THE devil WIN he is not worth it but your marriage is amazing and ordained by God. we must all pray for christian marriages.
What timing. This morning my husband of 5 yrs confessed to me he considered a fling with a female colleague 2 yrs ago.
He said he confessed it to a mens group back them but felt compelled to confess it to me this morning. He wants to be transparent. I think I am still in shock, even though he did not “actually” have an affair, he harbored it in his heart and asked this women to consider it. Its not just the thoughts that he had that bother me but that fact that he actually contemplated it and asked her.
I’m just processing this all now. I love my husband and I love the Lord…..and He provided this devotional this morning to help me through. I know my husband & I belong together. We always felt secure about our relationship & anchored in Christ. I know God brought us together and wants us to stay together. But even a good thing can be shaken. We have to be vigilant. No matter how much you love and trust eachother, establishing boundaries with members of the opposite sex are critical for your marital health.
Thank you for this devotion today. Lord help us to re-establish trust in one another. Protect me from getting further depressed as you know the other struggles I have had this past year. Draw me closer to you. I pray for the protection of all marriages today.
Unfortunately, neglectful and emotionally abusive husbands often are left unchallenged, even by their Christian peers. Their hurting wives are left with instructions on how to flee temptation, only to return to an unloving spouse and continued emotional abandonment. How different things might be if Christian leaders would lovingly confront Christian husbands on their God-ordained responsibility to ‘love’ their wives (as defined by their wives.) Most women, being responders as designed by God, would ‘respect’ their husbands (as defined by their husbands.)
Well said Gail. My husband and I were in the oposite of todays lesson. My husband received compliments from work colleagues but not me. he strayed played away from home what ever basically he had an AFFAIR and I am as much responsible as he is. Now I am struggling with the trust element but that is my resposability. I need to trust God and allow him to work on me and change me. I do not expect to become a domestic goddess( although I have just finished baking my 19 year old son a rugby pitch cake for his birthday) I do need to make sure that my husbands needs are met. We have been watching togher an amazing programm over here in the UK called sex after marriage and whilst we have not leapt into bed yet I know that seeds have been sown in us both. I also know that God loves us both and wants us to be married for ever but on his terms not ours.
On Thursday we start a course called freedom in Christ and I am sure that God has plans for us in the next few weeks.
I guess as usual I have rambld here but I hope that I have learnt the lesson today and can move forward.
While I don’t work outside the home, this is a good reminder for me to make our home a welcome place for my husband when he comes from work.
Vonette This is a good devotional. I am divorced and GOD WILLING when I do marry again I want a man who is not going to play around on me.The same would go for me as well. Being tempted is the work of SATAN. and he just gets in the way.