Contempt and Respect
by Suzanne Benner
** Sacred Marriage: http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Marriage-Gary-L-Thomas/dp/0310242827
“Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king” (1 Peter 2:17).
In his book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas says that by failing to show respect to our spouse, we treat them with contempt.
Ouch. Contempt is such a strong word; I cringe to think that I am guilty of it.
The other night, I was indignant about the lack of respect in the way my son addressed me after a meal until my husband informed me that I sounded critical and scornful throughout the meal.
Ouch, again.
It seems easy to detect the lack of respect in someone else’s voice, but so difficult to recognize it in my own. As Gary Thomas says, “We are obsessed with being respected, but rarely consider our own obligation to respect others” (Sacred Marriage).
Every person has been created by God and therefore is worthy of consideration, honor and esteem. Their inherent value has been established by their Creator.
Our obligation to respect others means that we are called to treat each individual with patience, gentleness and respect, regardless if he or she is a homeless person, a CEO, a sullen teenager, an unresponsive spouse or the Queen.
Respect elevates a person, whereas contempt demeans her.
It is well known that contempt breeds contempt. Therefore, if you notice a disrespectful tone of voice or behavior directed toward yourself, perhaps, like me, you were the one who started it.
~O God, forgive me for showing contempt for your creation by treating my family disrespectfully. Teach me to be gentle and gracious regardless of how I am treated. May a better way of relating begin with me.
Questions: Why is the lack of respect the same as contempt? How can we let go of our obsession to receive respect and start concentrating on giving respect to everyone we meet?
About the Author: http://talk.thelife.com/authors/suzanne-benner/
Congratulations, Barb! (sorry I missed your posting til ‘now) Praise God! Excellent hours and benefits! I’m glad for you, too :-}.
You WILL feel better, but don’t be surprized if it doesn’t happen right away. Give it time. It took me a couple of months to feel completely “normal” after working a night job, but even before that, I felt good change taking place. If you there is any way that you can start turning your sleep schedule around before taking the new job, that would be helpful. If not, you can always pray for help with that, too.
What a good witness for me :-}; with your persistence, many prayers, and God’s help, you got what you so wanted, and needed!
Isn’t God good?
Barbara D
Good to hear your wonderful news, I am so happy for you!!! It’s wonderful to know there is so much power in prayer!!! I can’t say it better than Fran!!!
Joy
This is a wonderful devotional. It reminds us that the tongue can be a weapon of mass destruction if used unwisely and unkindly. However, it can also be an instrument of healing, comfort and love. We must choose with compassion, mercy and humility how we use this very powerful tool. How we choose to respond when people hurt us will affect the outcome. Let us choose to be respectful of others, to be kind with our words and to walk in love. May our words not destroy, but build and may our hearts be soft, not hard.
Barbara, that is excellent news!!! Praise the Lord! I am so happy for you. (((Barbara)))
Jim, I am convinced that TV and other media do play a part in this problem, but as the poem, “Children Live What They Learn” says, a lot of the problem does comes from that (good and bad). We are the most important teachers our children and grand children have.
Along with what we try to teach out chilren, all those unguarded moments add up, too. Desires to “people please,” and to “make up for (i.e. a divorce, or working long hours)” and to “have them like me,” etc., also fall into the picture. If mom or dad feels bad, or unsure about, themselves or their parenting, the kids pick up on that. If they see themselves and their chldren as equals the children grow up believing they are, too.
There are many excellent resources available on dealing with this subject, probably the most well recognized Christian ones are through Focus on the Family (i.e. http://www.family.org). Dr. James Dobson has done a lot of good work in this area. I learned a lot from reading The New Strong Willed Child (the child can also be a definate part of the challenge) 3 or 4 years ago (my grandson has a strong streak).
Hope this helps you get started :-}.
Good words! I love the “knee-mail” portion.
Bless you.
Janis
barbra d
god is great i am so glad for you
sharon
Thank you, dear Barbara, for this beautiful Praise Report!! We are all Rejoicing right along with you!! To God be All Glory! NOTHING is too hard for Him..We stood on Jeremiah 32:17 praying His Promises! You and your childrend deserve this soooo much.Praying and believing every need met Philippians 4:19!! Picturing you and your family at the Christmas season this year..Celebrating together!! And? Your precious children have seen the mighty hand of Lord Jesus move!! Amen!! (((Barbara D)))
Fran, June, Sharon, Jackie and others:
Great news! I finally received a call for a full-time position with benefits! As you well know, I have struggled greatly the last few months on third shift feeling more drained every day, and worried about having no insurance for myself or my kids. Thank the Lord that on Nov. 19th I begin a job working 7:30 – 4:30 MONDAY THRU FRIDAY…No weekends and I’ll actually be able to enjoy this holiday season without working and get PAID for it!! I am sooooo happy! One year and eight months on this shift was about to kill me. I have never felt so bad all the time due to SHIFT LAG. I know I’ll feel like a new person soon! Thank you ALL for your prayers and for encouraging words…you have been a great blessing to me!!!!
This is not directly related to the devotional subject, but I had to give you all this PRAISE REPORT!!!
Ladies, I think it is so awesome how all these e-mails have touched my heart and my tongue today. I don’t have any young children home, however, all you young mom’s, “YOU ALL HAVE YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU!” Everytime we look in the newspaper or headlines someone else in Hollywood is getting arrested or pregnant. I, look back when my only son was young, and how would respond. Today, parent’s are fighting such demonic and sexual content that is before our eyes. Walking in the mall this morning, I thought, the Spring clothes were out. The clothing is so skimpy and the need to look like an underfed, neglected child is amazing. I will pray for all of you young mom’s and don’t be hard on yourself. Be consistent as the word. Your children will praise you for it.
I, also keeep thinking of Marilyn’s response concerning, Adam. The pressure, put upon husband’s , not only as the leader, but the provider of his home, is more pressure. Job losses and outsourcing to other country’s, are things, we never thought would happen. I think we should all let our husbands and children know how special they are. Finf one good thing a day and let them know! The holydays, (holidays) are coming up and instead of all the pressure for making the perfect turkey or cookie let’s just be happy and thankfull for our family and friends. The scripture, unlike tradition, remain the same. We are Blessed and Lord we just all give thanks!!.Just give us Jesus!!…Toni
Suzanne, thank you for such a beautiful, vitally important message! Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage, is an awesome book, with a fresh perspective of God’s divine purpose for marriage. It is so important for husband’s and wives to understand the unique needs of their spouses, that they may lovingly seek to satisfy those needs which God has ordained for marriage partners. Our spouses are unable to meet all our needs, which is why marriage is a threesome –husband, wife, and God. Jim, may I suggest, as the spiritual head of your family, that you take the lead with your wife, and humbly reach out to her, offering to serve her, as Christ serves the church. Study her, seek to really know her and understand her, for you are accountable to God for this calling. (Remember how God called to Adam in the garden, after the fall; God knew what Eve had done, but He called on Adam’s headship for an account.) You do not need to understand any other woman on the face of this earth, only your wife. And, if she is like most healthy women, she will respond to your tenderness and care, and desire to meet your needs. Women are, by nature, responders. God bless!
Thank you so much, Suzanne, for this devotional! And, thank you, dear Toni..am joining with Patti in my gratitude for your depth and maturity shared here..Love the “kneemail” as opposed to “email” analogy..We are so quick to run to others before first kneeling and talking with our Heavenly Master. When that’s our first stop each day, we have sooo much more to share and give..Amen! How blessed your passengers are to be on your flights..and they receive “Heavenly Service”, too! Can just imagine the prayers you lift for them…
We’re in our 43rd year of marriage here..and it is a different chapter in today’s portion. I didn’t always appreciate and treat my husband as respectfully as I do today!! And, wonderful as he is? He had some growing to do, too, lol..None of us are perfect (thank goodness for that!)..Goodness, am blessed we stayed together, accepted Lord Jesus, and both had room for improvement!! We are from two very different cultures..one Southern..am from along line of “Steel Magnolias”… and one second generation Greek American..But, before the Lord, there was such a critical human spirit within me, especially.. and I had a different and softer set of lenses for my own failings ..yet, could be so critical of my husband others when they make the same human mistakes!..”how dare them”!!!
But since the Holy Spirits kind entry into my heart that part has changed..HE shows me daily MY faults quickly before even have a chance to judge another!! The “old ways” will always try to rear their ugly heads, of course..But now..and this is exciting!!!..Everyone is seen through those softer lenses that used to be reserved for self only!..Today He makes me “look” and “see” through HIS kind, beautiful eyes..and sometimes whispers, ever so gently..”Remember how you were before me”??!!! And HE most certainly keeps me nicely cleaned up with that sobering thought, folks said I was so nice, but I knew better :) Today.. His spirit quickens and nudges mine when those old human ways “try”..and the peace and beauty with HIM today? Too beautiful to lose! Thank you Lord Jesus for the “checks and balances” in YOUR Powerful Word that help!! And thank you for loving me and daily “correcting”!!! Hallelujah!
Today’s devotional really dealt with my heart. Sitting at
my desk at work reading this devotional trying hard to
fight back the tears. I realizes with great sadness that
I have not being giving my husband or our children the
respect that is due them. I raise my voice a lot and fuss
a lot morer than is needed, my family has said this morer
than once, or even twice about me. It is a lot easier to
recognize others faults than recognize your own. Thank
God for his word that is quick and sharp. This word has
been like a mirror to me, as I look at this word it showed
up, revealed that I was at fault concerning respect. Now it
is up to me to correct what is being revealed or just ignore
it and continue in the same way. I pray that I will always
let God’s word be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my
path. I pray that God’s will continue to teach me in the
way I should go and guide me with his eyes. Husbands love
your wives as Christ loves the church, and wives submitt
to your husbands for this is the will of God. When we are
obeying this commandment from God than we will see marriages
stay together until death do them part. I pray that God will
bless you all with a joyful and peaceful day in him.
How good it is to know that we are not alone in our struggles. It is encouraging to hear from Jenny and Maia about being convicted by the Holy Spirit and beginning to make changes. Tina and Jim, I would encourage you to find and memorize a few verses of Scripture that help focus our attention on how God wants us to live.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is a great place to start: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
When we meditate on God’s word throughout the day, it changes our attitudes.
~Heavenly Father, thank you for your love for us. I pray for Maia, that you would give her strength and wisdom as she talks to her son after school today. May you be glorified through her humility. I also pray for Tina, give her the energy she needs to care for her little ones. Remind her that you are always with her, give her breaks from the busyness and give her grace when there are no breaks. I pray for Jim and his family, change the way they respond to each other, may they show mercy, grace and forgiveness to each other. Help Jim to make the first move and the others to respond to his efforts. May we all be obedient to your word which says, “Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.” (1 Peter 2:17) Amen.
Wow what a great devotion this morning! The min. I read it I thought of last night and the harsh words I had said to my 12 year old son, he responded to me in a very harsh tone last night and I responded to him with a go to your room and a very very very long speech on respect, all the while I was the one screaming at the top of my lungs…I don’t feel like correcting him was wrong but looking back the way I corrected him was very wrong how can I expect him to be respectful if I can’t show it myself? I think when he gets home from school I need to set down and talk to him, There are so many excuses that we have to justify our actions and the bottom line is we choose to…Lord help me to realize that I can’t teach respect to my children if I don’t show it toward them give me a softer voice and help me to know when I’m wrong in my actions so I may return to them (or anyone) and make things right.
Tina hang in there I know the ages of your children are very “active” and at the end of a long day it is so easy to take it out on our husbands, pray before he comes in from work that God will clear your mind, I have learned from the past you set the tone for the rest of the afternoon if you can just get through the fist 30 min. or so when your husband comes in from work and set a welcoming tone set aside the stress I promise it will make the rest of your afternoon much smoother..I’ll be praying for you!!
you have to give respect and earn it to
sharon
Wonderful devotional. Yesterday was Emily Post’s birthday. You may remember her as the expert on etiquette. She believed manners to be, “an awareness of the feelings of others.” I really like that. When we respect and honor we show such awareness. In today’s world manners and respect seem to be in short supply but we must not become discouraged. Parents especially can show respect to their children and their spouse because children learn what they see and what they experience, so if they are treated badly by their own parents they will not learn how to treat others with respect. It’s amazing how God gave us the best etiquette book of all, the Bible.
Toni…..what an inspiration you are to me. I see such spiritual maturity in you..a loving heart.I look forward to your responses.
Just this last week was the first time I had looked into this site. I have been so far away from the Lord for such a long time. I made a comment about the devotional on Effective Praying. You clarified the scriptures for me…thank you. You are an inspiration and my heart is once again becoming more tender toward others as I realize the Lord is doing a work in me once again.
Good Morning, I praise the Lord for these devotionals. Even more, are the responses that lift me up. Sometimes, we don’t realize, how much we as Christians, we need each other. Just reading about husband’s and, how we as wives are to love them even when they are retired and won’t let you vacuum because it makes too much noise. Yes, my husband just retired. My respect (as God say’s) toward my husband and his love toward me (as God say’s) are vital.
Did you ever start they day off with your spouse and it is not a good one? Do we run to God or to the phone to call our friends? I am guilty! Learning the hard way as I have, we are belittling behind his back with gossip and it goes against our roles as wives. Let us stop when we go and pick that phone up or e-mail….it’s better to go to knee-mail before our mediator and his throne. If we can win our husbands without a word..how many more can we win for the Lord that are un-lovable and haughty? I pray for a gentle and quiet spirit.
“Show kindness toward all for some have entertained angels without knowing it.” Hebrews 13:2. I have been a flight attendant for almost 30 years. That scripture, is what I rely on as it is written in my heart that is filled with God’s grace. I, was not a born again Christian when I first started but the difference, is now I do my work without grumbling. Grumbling heart and gravel in the mouth is an open door to sin. My passengers, are most important, as I would never have stayed in a serving position that long. I learn more about love, respect and hospitality through God’s word daily and at work above all. I fly international and even responding to a need that is spoken in a language that I cannot understand is always answered. The world has become more hostile and changing attitudes make it more difficult. I never thought I would be flying this long and still go into the aircraft restroom and cry. Safety alway’s first…knowing his way’ and not to deviate. Service..sincerity and love from the heart fills a multitude of cups. Obedience, when I hear my master’s voice (The pilot,.. no he is not God)! The best reward are the love and respect from people that do not even speak English. My behaviour and spirit are on display throughout these journey’s. Our creator, is so visible as he left not one country without it’s own beauty. Man, has disrespected and defiled ocean views and land that has people sleeping on sidewalks and begging. This is still found today here and overseas.
Have a good day and pray for our Troops, as I bring many of them home. Their sincere love and dedication is so amazing and without fear. Respectfilled, men and women. The yes mam’s and no mam’s..are enough to make you cry as I thank my God every time I think of them. Lord this is your day and “HALLOWED BE YOUR NAME!”….Toni
Contempt is a vicious cycle in our home. It is so true, that it breeds itself.
Everyone seems to be waiting for someone else to break the cycle, and won’t budge from their “ideal of entitlement” until the other one looks away.
Where did this attitude start? Was it the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials where the kids act as if the parents, or authority figures, are stupid? Is it our hypocrisy when it comes to our children, the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality?
I would like to see some resources which would help to stop this train……
Blessings.
Jim
I know God is working hard on me right now. This is another appropriate devotional. After being with my 1 and 2 year olds for 12 hours straight I am pretty wound up. So when my husband gets home from work, I’m built up with alot of contempt. And he knows it. This is something that needs alot of prayer. But how does one not get so tense at the end of a long day? Ladies, it’s pretty obvious that my life is full of chaos right now. Thank you for all your prayers.
this is good. My husband and I went to a “love & respect” (put on my Eggerson Emerich author of the book “love & Respsect”) marriage conference a few months back that completely changed our marriage. I would reccomend anyone to get the book or go to the conference when it’s in your area.
I never thought of myself as a completely disrespecful person, but I can’t say that I was always respectful either. I had never realized how much men need to feel respected though – they need to feel respected like us women need to feel loved. After I realized how much my husband needed to feel that respect I really tried to start treating him with more respect and reverence and in turn it caused him to be more loving to me. It has completely changed our marriage for the better.
THIS DEVOTIONAL REALLY HITS HOME. I HAVE TO ADMIT I AM GUILTY OF SHOWING CONTEMPT. TO PEOPLE THAT I THINK ARE DOING WRONG, DRUNKS, AND PEOPLE I JUST DON’T LIKE. I PRAY TO GOD TO SHOW ME HOW TO CHANGE, TO SHOW ME TO RESPECT ALL PEOPLE. HIS WILL NOT MINE BE DONE