We still haven’t found what we’re looking for
Ed’s note: This post was written a year ago but the thoughts on romance and our expectations of it remain as current as ever.
About a week ago the eleventh Bachelor, entrepreneur Brad Womack, broke more than just two hearts when he ended the season by breaking up with both remaining contestants. The audience, not to mention both remaining women, were left to wonder – what happened?
It seemed like everything was in place. The alter was ready, and the roses and the ring. One contestant’s father had been flown in — surely a sign that this southern gentleman was getting ready to ask an important question. And yet, with the music swelling and the soft focus lens working its dreamy magic . . . romance did not ensue.
The real surprise of course is that eleven seasons in, a viewing audience of millions was still shocked. Everyone was ready to see a little romance even though all these seasons of the popular reality-based show have resulted in just one lasting match. What is it about a love story — even a pretend one — that so captures our hearts and imagination?
One of the very best quotes concerning our expectations when it comes to love is what Rosie O’Donnell’s character says to Meg Ryan’s in Sleepless in Seattle. In the scene where they’re watching An Affair to Remember Rosie says, “You don’t want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.”
I think that there’s truth in that. We want to see the fairytale and experience it up close. We forget that “drama is life with the boring parts edited out.” Recently I was reading a blog where the author, who just gave birth to her sixth child, had this to say about the ordinary moments:
“Whenever I dreamed about my life and how it’d be, I always left out these parts. The ordinary moments—that when strung together—make the necklace of your life. The plastic alligator in the toilet and the bubble gum that came out of the ice dispenser this week? These are my pearls. They are strung next to my wedding day, [my] babies, and the day we bought our first house. Ordinary and extraordinary, side by side– but the discontent grouch in me wishes for more extraordinary and less ordinary. ” – Amy Scott
Perhaps that’s what so many of us are searching for — we want more of the extraordinary. I wonder though, if it’s a little like giving children vast amounts of candy. If the extraordinary was commonplace would it lose its magic? I think that Amy is right, the ordinary moments are just as important. Ask anyone who has lost someone they love and I’m sure they’d tell you how much they long for ordinary days.
Carl Jung said, “Simple things hold the secret.” This holds true when it comes to romance. Romance lies in ordinary things. It’s there in the day to day knowledge of another person, knowing what will make them smile and what drives them crazy. It is in the simple act of doing life together. Wyatt Cooper wrote, “Commitment isn’t showy. It’s subtle and common.” There’s truth in that. There is great beauty in ordinary things.
At the end of the day it comes down to this: we still haven’t found what we’re looking for. But to run the risk of mixing musical metaphors (and genres), maybe Carrie Underwood has it right, and “what you’ve been searching for forever, is in your hand”.
Why do you think we’re so attracted to love stories? Can the everyday reality of life still be romantic?
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To me there is nothing more romantic then watching a sunset or moonrise on the beach. It’s lovely to be with someone you care about, but it’s also lovely by yourself. Romance, to me, isn’t just about people, it’s about beauty that surrounds us, seeing a mother’s face as she cuddles her newborn, the spring air tinged with the smell of lilacs. I think, if we love ourselves, we can find romance in everyday things and don’t need to look for “storybook” romance in life.
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we can axcept and change ourself first then we will find good things in those who are around us
AS OF LAST FEBRUARY 24, 2007, WHEN MY HUSBAND DIED, WE KNEW EACH OTHER 51 YEARS BY THE FOLLOWING JUNE 1. DON AND WOULD HAVE BEEN MARRIED 50 YEARS THE FOLLOWING JULY 13, 2007. WE PLEDGED OUR LOVE DAILY THROUGH THICK AND THIN, IN GOOD HEALTH AND BAD HEALTH, IN JOY AND SADNESS. HE WAS THE FIRST GUY TO EVER CALL ME BABE. HE HEARD A SONG PLAYING ON THE RADIO AS HE WAS COMING HOME FROM WORK, AND STOPPED AT THE NEAREST RECORD STORE AND BOUGHT IT. “OH BABE” WAS THE TITLE BY HURRICANE SMITH. WE MET AT THE BEACH AND HAD OUR FIRST DATE AT THE BEACH STORK CLUB, AND HE PROPOSED TO ME AT THE SAME BEACH,AT A WEINER ROAST, AND WE EVENTUALLY LIVED AT THE SAME PORT. I’M SO THANKFUL WE HAD OUR LIFE TOGETHER, SHARED OUR 4 BEAUTIFUL SONS AND DAUGHTERS, AND OUR 13 GRANDCHILDREN AND 2 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN. MY ADVICE TO ALL LOVERS IS TO CHERISH EACH MOMENT AS YOU SIT, LIE, WALK, TRAVEL AND TALK A LOT. STORE UP MEMORIES FOR THE FUTURE AND TELL YOUR CHILDREN STORIES OF YOUR LIVES AND YOUR EXPECTATIONS FOR THEM. BUILD A LASTING FUTURE FOR THEM TO RETELL. GOD IS THE AUTHOR OF LOVE.
After 9 years of marriage, I have to say that everyday life has definitely not been like a movie romance, but it has had its good moments. Romance takes work…as unromantic as that may sound. If someone is looking for romance like on the Bachelor, then yes, everyday life would be a disappointment. But I think everyday life can be romantic – holding hands, doing things for the other person, looking into each other’s eyes and talking about hopes and dreams. It’s about appreciating what you have and cherishing the commitment that two people share. For me, one of the most romantic sights is seeing an elderly couple that has been together for decades holding hands and sharing a laugh. That’s the kind of romance I’m hoping for.