How to Find Friends
If you are feeling lonely, we would like to pray for you and listen to you.
Join us for our Daily Devotional Chat today in our Women’s Chatroom at 10:30 am EDT.
“A man who has friends must himself be friendly” “[t]he Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Proverbs 18:24 and Matthew 20:28 New King James Version).
“I’ve been in this church 14 years and I can’t find anyone to talk to on Sunday morning.”
When I heard those words from an intelligent, attractive, mature woman, I questioned their validity. Because the church is large, it provides myriad opportunities for involvement – everything from hiking to knitting groups, Bible studies to craft classes, mission trips to music.
How is it possible for an individual, over the course of many years, to not find a niche in a local church? An acquaintance employed by the Foreign Service who moved every three to five years—usually to areas of the world far from friends and family – said there was a relatively simple way to emotionally survive in such a lifestyle: “Dig in immediately. Try new things. Invite strangers to your home. Find a place to serve. Don’t give up.”
Jesus is our example for entrance into a new culture whether it be a school, church, community or country. He moved out of his “comfort zone” of heaven. He developed relationships with people of diverse backgrounds. He unselfishly served. He went to parties and weddings, even daring to eat with sinners!
Followers of Jesus must be people with passionate purpose. While not everyone is an unreserved extrovert, we must not use our personalities as an excuse for lack of involvement. We dare not wait 14 years to find someone to talk with. We are called to intentionally serve, not be served.
Jesus, you are my friend but also my example of friendliness. Not a friend whose hand is weak and words glib, but one who intentionally reaches into my life. Help me be creative in doing the same for others.
Questions: Give us some of your ideas as to how you integrate into new situations. What does the word “serve” mean to you?
About the Author Marilyn J. Ehle
Carrie, I would hope that you might reconsider your plans to leave the fellowship of this blog — there is a vast and colorful garden of witnesses for Christ here, all of whom God has adopted into His family, and whom He cherishes! Sometimes the discussions become spirited, and we are challenged to self-examine and grow; other times, we will find tender caring and encouragement for the rough roads we travel. Our walks with Christ are each unique, as the events and choices of our lives have imparted wisdom along the way! Stay awhile, dear Carrie, and allow the Holy Spirit to teach you, comfort you, mold you, prune you, and use you to testify to His goodness! God bless!
I understand, Carrie. I would never intend to imply you do not witness to other.
Thank you for sharing….as I believe it has given all of us new insight…as we have all had different experiences in life…and it is wonderful we have an opportunity to share.
I’m struggling in this journey…as all of us struggle and what a joy to be able to pray for each other.
Lord, bless all of us here….and keep our hearts tender to all who come here..for we are Your children and want more than anything to seek Your face. Thank You for going to the cross for us…for salvation. Without Your mercy and grace, we would all be lost. Thank You for all of these sisters in Christ and may our love grow as we learn from each other and grow in Your love.
I just have to say one more thing, Carrie Please Don’t Leave the Blog PlEASE!!! I feel so bad or if I could be a email friend if you would like you could email me at lrohne@shaw.ca Hugs, Linda!!!
OK…truce we have beat this dead horse.
I am a witness Patty, I just have to limit the time I am with my unsaved family because it is a game to them to try to entice me. To get me high or just have one beer and they have potty mouths around my kids.
Thank you Marilyn for your words and the wisdom you have regarding the lost. I too have this burden and participate with outreaches at my church.
I am done with this blog and I thank everyone for their words of encouragement and their helpful advice.
Be blessed and keep ministering in the way the Lord has called each and every one of you in a variety of ways. We are parts of a body that make up a whole. Support each other and do not be critical of each other and the place we are all at in our walk.
Hi Patti I think that we have all come to the conclusion that we do befriend the unsaved but that we as individuals have to guard ourselves as to how far those friendships go as some of them can be encouraging but never ever will they be like a true Christian Friendship and some we have to truly avoid as they could destroy us. And yes I am sure we all have unsaved loved ones of whom we will always love and spend time with but maybe not agree with their lifestyle but continue to pray for them daily just as we will for our unsaved friends and neighbors. Hugs, Linda!!!
Hi Carrie! I am truly sorry that you felt “kicked down,” for that was not my intent. I only wanted to share my thoughts about friendships with unsaved people. Without question, I would NEVER encourage any believer to risk compromising his/her walk with Christ by flirting with temptation, and if a friendship with an unbeliever presented such a circumstance, then limiting one’s exposure to this trap is wise. I became a believer at 38-years-old, and found myself facing a decision as to whether I would/should drop the unsaved, flesh-driven friends that I had, or keep them as they felt comfortable with my new ‘self,’ while adding Christian friends as the Lord provided, who would fortify me in my walk with Him and equip me to witness to my lost friends. I found some of my friends dropped away, as I “wasn’t as much fun anymore.” But others, who are still lost and lead carnal lives, have chosen to stay friends with me. It is my prayer that they see Jesus in me, and will one day let Him shine His light on their lives and transform them! I do not join them in sinful indulgences, but I do not cast judgement on them either, for it is only by God’s mercy and grace that I no longer am a slave to sin! Please forgive me, Carrie, that I offended you. I have a burden for the lost that drives my spirit! And, speaking of the ‘lost’, when I spoke of ‘seeking the lost’ in the church, I was not referring to the unsaved so much as to those who are disconnected from their local fellowship. Sorry for the confusion. I believe it is a much greater problem than people realize, and those who are safely engaged with their brothers and sisters at church, are distracted by their contentment. I, too, have found it difficult to ‘connect’ at my church, though I, like you, volunteer there weekly. The Lord, Who watches over us all, sees our needs, and He is faithful to provide! He has brought me many precious Christian friends from various places — all a great blessing to me! He will do that for you, too, dear Carrie! The fellowship of believers is precious to God, and where we lack, He provides!
Loving and gracious Lord, we praise You for Your steadfast care and provision in our times of need! You know our hearts, Lord, how we long for Christian community and sweet fellowship, yet sometimes it eludes us. Help us, Lord, to rest in You during these times when we feel ‘left out,’ wanting relationship but uncertain how to achieve it. Grant us Your eyes to see opportunities that You place before us, that we might enjoy mentoring friendships and share our faithwalk with sisters whom You have divinely ordained for us! Help us, Lord, to love the lost as You do, to see them through Your lens, and to model Jesus to them! May Your light shine so brightly in us, that they are drawn to the warmth of Your love for them! In the precious name of Jesus, Amen!
I pose one question. If we do not befriend the unsaved….how will we lead others to Him.? With whom will we share salvation? Matthew 28: 18-20…if we stay among ourselves (Christians), then how will we carry out the Great Commission.? Jesus was not talking only to His disciples…and not only to the Church (believers), but to every born again believer to go….and share what He has done for us….His saving grace….. He promises to go with us. Praise God!
Most of my family members (brothers, Dad, nieces and nephews) are unsaved. I’ve been mocked and ridiculed over the years. I still spend time with them, continue to pray and to live my life before them. As for friends…..I have a very good friend who is unsaved. We have known each other for 30 years and for most of those years..when I would witness to her, she would end the conversation. We have remained friends and just recently, some things have shattered her life. I share as the Lord leads….every opportunity and that is what I believe we have been speaking about here.
I love the sharing here…which gives us opportunities to minister and be ministered. When I was an unbeliever, thank the Lord, someone shared with me!
thank you Linda R. Sorry I had the wrong initial.
Hugs to you too and thank you for your prayers. It is special to know we are watching out for each other in the spiritual walk we are on.
Take care and be blessed!
Hi Carrie this is Linda R whom I have a feeling you were talking to instead of Linda B as I am the one who went and addressed this whole issue of unsaved friends in the first place.Carrie I in no way mentioned that to in any way hurt or offend you.I truly feel sorry that you feel like you were kick while you were down. Each one of us live in different situations come from different back grounds and our unsaved friends if we do have them can all be so very different and that is why some of them we definitely should avoid if they will drag us down as only we know our limits. Please don’t feel discouraged. As a sister in Christ I will be continuing to pray for that special Christian friend for you and all the other ladies here on this site as the Lord knows our hearts desire. Hugs, Linda R
Thank you Arlette. God bless you and thank you for your prayers. =)
Dear Carrie,
God bless you for your honesty and your kindness. I too am hesitant to begin a new friendship with someone who is unsaved. I do have an old friend or two that I grew up with, that I love and I wish they were saved. Perhaps someday they will be. I do know what you mean about language and habits. I was criticized quite harshly recently for refusing to work “under the table” and was laughed at when I said that I did not want to be dishonest. I cringe when anyone uses His name is vain and usually that is when I leave. I commend you for your efforts and your awareness of temptation. I think that often the devil sneaks up on us. I will add my prayers to dear Linda’s that you find a wonderful warm group of Christian sisters. God bless you for your strength and your wisdom. Praise Him!
Linda B. thank you for the encouragement. It sounds like we are just a step away from God blessing us with our friend.
We are both trying in church and reaching out.
It will happen and please enjoy your friendship with your unsaved friend. I guess I sounded too harsh and did not extend Grace to you. I apologize and dont expect to push on you my ways of life.
You are a blessing. And it sounds like you too have your plate full. Didnt mean too come on too strong as it sounds like I have.
I have prayed for you and I know you are praying for me too.
Stay strong and be blessed.
So are you saying to go out and make unsaved friends or look for the unsaved already in church?
I do extend grace to the unsaved and our church has many outreaches.
I just dont hang out with my old friends or encourage intimate friend relationships that are unequally yoked.
I dont need the temptation. Some can hang with tax collectors, I cant.
We are all flesh and live by grace daily. Our sinful nature is waiting at the door if you are not careful. I crossed that threshold once 10 years ago and didnt like it.
I dont have those old friends that are 90% better than Christians like Linda B. has.
Please dont kick me when I am down on the “How to find friends” blog.
I said I choose not to hang out with unsaved people. When I did I was their beer driver or not comfortable with their choice of movie or language or place of choice to hang out.
This is a complex issue made out of finding a friend.
I think evangelism is just as important as reaching out in your own church.
I dont have a problem working with people, but making that friend for heart to heart talks and leaning on, I guess I do.
People are busy and some already have great friends.
I have heard that your only have a handful of really close friends in your lifetime and I have had two die- one of cancer and one of a car wreck. And yet still, this was when I was out of church.
I pray we all can come together and not feel isolated and I have tried. Bible study groups, married group events (which are fun and time fillers) ministry in the church, sign to help out with all kinds of funtions. Yes I am busy. Just wish I had that friend we are all talking about.
Be blessed and please extend me some grace.
Linda B, yours is a great testimony to God’s faithfulness and empowerment! Praise Him! Carrie, may I encourage you to render a bit more grace towards unbelieving people who live according to the flesh — they are acting as God expects them to act! It is ONLY by His grace that any of us are no longer captive to our sinful natures, but have the Holy Spirit to enable us to overcome our evil desires! I am reminded of Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18:9-14) We must be careful not to judge unbelievers too harshly (that is God’s prerogative) — it might be far wiser for the Church to do a little self-examination in confronting sin WITHIN the body of Christ. It is a sad thing that cliques exist in local church fellowships, as they really have no place in Christian community. And, being a member of a congregation does not guarantee connected-ness. It should be the goal of every church body to ‘seek the lost’ within their own flock, more than adding numbers to the pews. 1 Peter 5:2 tells the Elders to be “shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers . . .” If this were a priority in churches, I think fellowhips would flourish and there would be fewer isolated ‘sheep!’
I know what it is like to feel like all alone in church. I am american and my husband is from Guatemala so we have been going to our hispanic church now for 7 years. When we first started, I couldn’t speak spanish, so I had no friends and I felt so alone. I would leave as soon as service finished, I would not even try to talk to anyone. I understood spanish, because I am hispanic, I just never learned to speak spanish. Until I got tired of sitting all by myself in church. I started praying and God took me out of my shell. It was a long process, I learned to speak spanish and now I serve in church, I am the praise and worship team leader, my husband and I are called to pastor a church in the near future, and I have so many friends in church it so unbelievable. Prayer can make a big difference. But yes we have to step out of our comfort zone and God will do the rest. I was really shy in the past even around other english speaking people. But now with God’s help I am helping minister to other women. There’s no stopping me now. I love to serve. I love to be in the midst of other women who are so in love with Christ as I am. If I can do it so can you! Just ask God to help.
I too think the Lindas and the Carries and all the sisters writing and hurting need to find each other in the church.
I too was raised in church but fell away.
I have to be careful even though it has been over 15 years from rededicating my life.
I have known people who think that all they need to be is good to go to heaven. They are the hardest to reach because they dont need anything.
My brother is the worst at teasing me and trying to get me to party. I have to limit the time with him even.
We all have our story and God knows each one of us so well and loves us so deeply. I think I may not be ready for a kindred spirit according to His terms because I want it so bad I may not be as close to Him.
At any rate. I love the Lord with all my heart and will wait on Him to provide my everything.
I want His best and I wont settle for the rest =)
My husband and I just found that out through a house we wanted and didnt get. Now we have a house that is just right for us and God knew that.
His timing is not ours. Hard to wait on.
Thank you for the comments. Be blessed.
Carrie please don’t get me wrong JoAnn is a wonderful, wonderful friend and was my neighbor for over 16yrs and she would give you the shirt off her back literally. We go for coffee once a week and that is it, but to be honest her lifestyle is better than 90% of most Christians you or I know that is the hardest thing about witnessing to her and the one reason I can talk to her just as if she were a Christian I never hold anything back from her. I continue to pray that one day her and her family will come to the Lord. As far as being dragged back into that lifestyle I was blessed to be born and raised in a Christian Family which I am truly thankful for but that doesn’t come along with it’s own hangups believe you me. I pray too that The Lord will provide each one of us a True Christian Friend. Wouldn’t it be neat if we could all be close, close friends??? Hugs, Linda!!!
Dear Linda
I found that people who have no desire to live by Jesus’ standards can and will bring you down. Eventually. Unequally yoked in friendships, business, ect.
I have aquaintences that are unsaved. I am talking about kindred sprirts.
After I became saved I tried to hang out with old friends and it does not work. They try to lure you in to their lifestyle. Family does too.
I reach out to people that is what the Lord would want us to do. But I cant go back to the pig pen (The prodical son) and get in their enviroment. Some people can and that is their ministry.
Right now I have a friend with bi-polar who has strayed away and is hanging out with someone who understands her. She has picked out habits and traits and now is not coming to church. She does not want to hear from me bacause her choices are convicting her.
I pray you get that friend who can pray with you and be that forever friend. That is also what I want.
I will not compromise to fulfill my wishes bacause I dont want to go back to pleasing my flesh.
Be blessed and keep seeking. I am too.
Thank you for this devotional it really gives us a lot to think about
First of all I have to say I tried to put this in at 1:30am last night and it wouldn’t go in so here goes. I never read today’s Devotional till tonight just before going to bed and now I am back up because it kept playing over and over on my mind. I could have made any one of those comments today, any of them were me, except One stood out and touched me and that was when Carrie said “I have not settled for unsaved people” My question is Why Not? Didn’t Jesus have unsaved Friends? I Long for Christian Friendship but you know what my very best friend right now is a non-Christian because my best “Christian” friend I’d ever had in my whole life found me too much to handle (her words) when I ended up with bipolar depression and in the hospital 7 years ago but my non-Christian friend stood by me. Oh I will be honest she can be close as anything but there is always that “I am praying for you missing” but I sure can say it to her and I do and talk to her like any other Christian friend. I don’t believe that we aren’t to not have non-Christian friends in our life, I just think they will never be as close as a true Christian Friend will be of which I too truly desire so much to have. I will never understand why the Lord allows things to happen the way they do??? Hugs, Linda !!!
I read the posts above after I wrote my own and I was so moved by them all. It is such a comfort to know that so many struggle as I do. I’d like to thank Donna for her kind suggestion and I have followed up on the Bible Study International. It seems like they have meeting everywhere so perhaps I will not be the only one assisted by Donna’s wonderful suggestion.Thank you Lord and all those involved for such a great message! I have really been reminded that He walks with me no matter what! If He is with me then who can be against me? Also that Satan isn’t just out there in the world causing evil but inside us all as well trying to play upon our weakness and pain. I thank the Lord that He is our Father and in Him all things are possible. Love and blessings.
You are not alone Karen and you have explained it beautifully. I guess those who are secure in friendships might reach out to those who aren’t.
Fellowship in groups and one on one is very important.
I would love to find that person or people to call friend.
I am praying about it daily and maybe that friend is being matched up by the Lord for me and for you as we ask.
Satan tries to wedge between us however he can.
I pray he is unsuccessful and the church can become the sanctuary for hurting, friendless, lonely brothers and sisters.
Be blessed…..
So true Karen…..self pit is debilitating. I believed tho…that loneliness is another monster that keeps us in hiding. Several years ago, I was part of a prayer ministry. We met once a month….and our lady leading the prayer…would have everyone bow their heads……as the Lord led her to pray. It was such a wonderful time of ministry. As the Lord would lead, she would ask if anyone needed prayer….hands would go up…(I was the musician..so I had to keep my eyes open)……I remember one time, the Lord led her to ask if anyone was lonely. Hands went up…..my heart broke to see some of the women who raised their hands. Never would I have known! There we were…in a Women’s meeting…where we had been gathering for a while, and their were lonely women. One in particular…..who I had seen in the church for years……always attended everything…sang in the choir, etc.
It is true……there are many many lonely people who sit in their Sunday school classes and church every week…yet feel isolated and lonely. It is so important to reach out……
Lord send us out….to be a friend and to be befriended. Give us friends in You. Amen
My jaw dropped when I read this devotional (and especially the responses it elicited) as they reflect an ache in my own heart as well. We’ve lived in our current location for 14 years, and been involved with a very close-knit, caring, SMALL church for 13 of those. We also moved around quite a bit before coming here, so I’ve had numerous opportunities to experience new situations.
The problem, in my experience, has been that it’s not so much how to integrate into the NEW situations — which I’ve done each time by just jumping in and getting involved (joining Bible studies, volunteering to help out, reach out to others instead of having a pity party) – that’s so difficult, but rather how to get close to people once the situations have grown OLD. I keep praying that God will help me find someone to call a close friend (apart from my husband of course), but it just seems that people will be friendly to a point, thanks to my attempts at integration, but then I can’t get beyond that level to a truly close relationship.
Self pity can be a debilitating monster, so I’m trying to keep a bright outlook…
I understand what every one of you are saying. I think by nature, I am and have always been a loner. I have to make myself get out and do things with others and enjoy it when I do.
I’ve been in a church where I knew many women, but I think we have very few real friends in life…… Many that we call friends are only acquaintances….. those that greet us….that we say hello, etc.
I understand what your are saying about being hurt, Arlette. Only in recent years, have I worked thru some deep wounds. God doesn’t not want us to carry our wounds and I believe satan’s greatest tool is “shame”. Our loving Father wants us to let Him have it….. confess where we made bad choices…where we have sinned…ask for forgiveness….knowing that “If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sin.”
We are in a church now…..that is a good church, but we really haven’t gotten involved. If we don’t take the initiative to get involved, then we are always on the outside…looking in. I’m preaching to myself as I say this. I find myself reluctant to get into a Bible study…because I don’t know the women and feel I am less mature in my Christian walk…in my study of the Bible. It is tho….a commitment that only I can make. Most churches, it seems….don’t visit anymore. I think tho, many women are busy..working in the church, yet are lonely. We need each other…even more during these uncertain times.
So let’s pray here…
Father God……thank You for this devotion….for those who write the devotions, those who share prayer request, those hurting and those minister here. Thank You for this safe place for us.
Lord, give us the courage to step out….to get our of our comfort zone and be willing to get involved with other Christians….to serve and learn.
Help us to leave our past behind….our shattered dreams and wounded hearts, may we lay them at the cross. From there, Lord…help us to keep our eyes on You. Remind us, that You walk with us….remind us that we are your children….and can indeed, walk into the unknown…..holding Your Hand…..trusting like a child.
Bless these dear women….may Your love, mercy and peace fall upon on all of us. May each of us, seek Your Face….and find You with open arms.
In Jesus Name..
Amen
Sorry all. I forgot to check the notify me box.
Hi Marilyn,
Thanks for the devotional today. I’ve heard these same words in our church and understand how hard it is for some of us to build friendships. It does require something of us and maybe for some a hard process (especially when people are hurting). I would say to ask God to prepare us to be open and step out. Say hello to someone you haven’t met yet, start a conversation next Sunday after church, be open and smile. If you feel rejection…give it to God and try again. For myself serving at my church has helped me build friendships. Talk to your minister about where you can help. Join a small group to study the bible. I have made fantastic friendships this way.
Most of all pray. Pray that God will send opportunities your way and when He does don’t shy away but jump right in.
Arlette….I was thinking about what you said about a women’s group. I studied the bible with BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) for many years. I’m sure that they have a class in LA. It’s non-denominational and all are welcome. Why not try to contact them and see what it’s like? Praying that you are successful Arlette…don’t become a hermit. Live life!!
Loving you all from here. Donna
Thanks so much for writing this! It really really hit home. I am really becoming a hermit and I know that God does not want us to live our lives unto ourselves. My story is not unique in any way. I have made really poor choices of friends in the past and am weary of being hurt. I carry a great deal of sadness and shame and I do not want to burden others with it. I have searched the internet for a Christian woman’s group and you’d think in L.A there would be one.:) I need to ask the Lord for His guidance and know that He will provide instead of trying to do it myself! Thanks be to God that there is this place where I can confess my fears without fear.
Wow! It seems odd to me for people to be lonely in a church weather big or small. I have gone to many different churches because I moved a lot for a while and there was always someone that I had a connection with and not because I did anything special, maybe it just like one of the other commits “Some People Are Fine With US FOUR AND NO MORE MENTALITY” because being involved in church to me can never be lonely.
ps. Some people are fine with the US FOUR AND NO MORE MENTALITY.
They have their friends from years or certain clubs in the church and there is not alot of time in our day and age to invest more time to new situations.
I too have a problem with making friends in church.
I am very involved and always have been in the 15 1/2 years I have been going to this church.
I met my husband here and it is odd, but the same situation. We do married group stuff.
I am the first called to volunteer, but it doesn’t include invitations to others homes.
I have had people and game nights in my home and had a very good time.
I have aquaintences and a few older people to rely on.
I get plenty of hellos and how are yous, but it takes more than that.
I may be protecting myself, who knows…..but God does.
There are so many variables, it would take forever to go over all situations.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND I PRAY FOR US TO FIND THOSE GREAT FRIENDS. I have also not settled for unsaved people to hang out with. I will wait for the Lord or for myself to get it together with the Lord’s help.
Any advice?
Wow, this hit home.
But as it is so easy for someone who who never broke their back to say, ” oh, the pain can’t be that bad.” One of the reasons I do not have any friends is the mere judgemental,and non-belief of so many in the church today.Example, above in the article, Marilyn J. Ehle states, and I quote…..
“When I heard those words from an intelligent, attractive, mature woman, I questioned their validity.”
This is exactly what I am talking about.
What gave her the right to question it? Why?
Those of us who are lonely and/or sad are so for a reason.
I use to be like that but growing in Jesus Christ. I notice that i change i have the feel of belonging now I serve being the Vice- President for our women. As the words of God says perfect love cast out fear. When you give your self to God completly he will guide you.I thank him for lifting me out of doubt and fear.