I Only Feel Alone at Church
A few years ago I was attending a fairly large church. In early September we had a ministry fair in the gym. There was popcorn and small children running around and little tables set up for each of the church’s outreaches and activities. As I made my way round the gym I came to Ladies’ Bible Study table. “Oh Claire,” the lady at the booth said “You must come to our ladies’ study!”
“I’d love to,” I replied. “When is it?”
“Tuesday mornings at 9,” she told me.
“Oh, that’s too bad, I’ll be at work then,” I informed her.
Without a trace of irony she tilted her head asked, “Every Tuesday?”
By the grace of God, I kept my mouth shut and just smiled. “Only the weeks when I want to pay my rent,” I thought. “Only when I’d like to eat.”
I am not married, nor do I have children which leaves me outside of a lot of the ministries my church offers. I don’t fit with the young Moms, or the newly weds, or the college kids, or the under 25s. I am none of those things, but I am a whole person and someone who would like to be part of the church given a chance. I’m sure it’s the same for adults who find themselves single again later in life.
The vast majority of churches are designed around families. The church I grew up in even had that as their slogan “a place for families to grow”. It’s great if you are in a family, but if you’re not, it sends a pretty clear message that this is not the place for you.
I am single, but I am rarely lonely. I live with a roommate who is practically my sister. I have nieces and nephews, cousins and parents close by. I have a place to be on Christmas morning and someone to tell my stories to at night. The only place I feel alone is at church. Isn’t that exactly the opposite of the way things should be?
The church, they keep telling me, is all about community. That’s a lovely idea but it has not been my experience. I don’t expect the church to cater to the minority, but it would be nice to be considered, even just a little. Imagine if your church had a ladies’ event with no childcare? Imagine a men’s bible study at 9 in the morning on Tuesday. Would you feel cared for then? We’re supposed to be all about taking care of each other. I wish I could be included in that.
In her article, “Single, But Not Alone” Jacqueline Overpeck asks, “How can marrieds interact with this vital and growing group in a way that they will appreciate?” She goes on to offer three practical ways to include single adults in your church activities. If you are an adult in a church community, take a minute to read it. Take a look at your own church’s activities. Is there a place for single adults? Are we part of the family too?
Whether married or single or single again, God has plans for each and every one of us. Try our Life Lesson “Living with Significance” to learn more about living in the hope of the plans God has for you.
Join us in the chat room for a discussion of Speaking the Truth in Love May 18, 2010 10:00 pm EDT
Tags: church, Claire Colvin, inclusive, Jacqueline Overpeck, living with significance, Self, single, spiritual growth
69 Responses to “I Only Feel Alone at Church”
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Wow, I just did a search on google for something like “What do I do at church if I dont fit in?” and THIS came up – it is just the topic I needed to see, and I cant believe how many others feel how I do to- wow…. I just heard a sermon about how marriage is great[ I knew, never marreid tho, but maybe somedya, Im 40, but havent met anyone, had few horrible x-boyfriends who weren't saved or bad influence] anyway, the pastor went on to say that although Godand Adam were enjoying each other’s fellowship, God still felt the situation needed to be improved upon, which aka translated to me “singles are lacking’ , then told of some statistics about how singles are more likely to be emotionally unstable, more likely to have disease, and more likely to have other problems… whow, what kind of encouragement is this on a Sunday morning? I asked a couple women I trust about it, one hasnt gotten married until age 42, and sympathized with me, and other said she didn’t hear it that way… but both think it is just how Im perceiving it… but after reading all the comments here, I see it is happening in other places – I have to keep focusing on the 20 to 30 people who do care [ our church is about 150 to 200 people] and not focus on the others – I even had the lady who told me she couldnt see it the way I did [ above] that loving someone as a child of God can sometimes mean “NOT” trying to connect with them if they seem to reject you, but instead pray for them, go to others in need, and dont focus on them… b/c focusing on the ones who avoid me, and trying to get their approval, is feeding into their sin [ of being rude] so it’s better to avoid. Godd advice Id say. Be there if they come around, but dont chase them.
I just ALSO need to find a singles group in my neighbourhood, if not in my own church, so Im checking out a friends’ church next weekend.
YC, Do you know if there are any groups that meet at any time other than in the evening? If the evening is your only option do you know if any of the groups meet earlier in the evening? Would any of them be willing to start an hour earlier? If not, it could be worth it to go just for the first half, it would at least give you a chance to be somewhat connected. There might be other people in your new church who are in the same situation. I know it’s hard to make requests when you’re the new kid, but if you mention your situation to whoever it is that manages the groups they might be able to find an alternate situation for you.
I understand the loneliness of being in church and feeling that you do not fit. Truly, it is sad, as the Lord has told us that every one of us is needed, and “Suppose the foot says, ‘I am not a hand. So I don’t belong to the body.’ It is still part of the body.” [NIVR] I truly feel bad for all who believe the church is not for them, as the Lord has made a place for each one of us in His Body, the church. It can be so very difficult for me to reach beyond myself and speak to that new person when I am in my comfort zone with my friends and family in my familiar seat in worship service or in small group or Bible study, especially when I am shy myself. But when I stay inside my shell, I have to realize that I am not honouring God and I am not surely not honouring His commandment to love others with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength, nor am I loving others as I would want to be loved. In my own mind, I believe I love the Lord best when I love others deeply, and especially when I make a sacrifice to do so. This may mean starting a group in order to help those who do not find it easy to fit in with the “mainstream” groups, be that due to time or other life-situations. Whatever I can do to help others know they are part of the family of God when they are feeling left out, I believe will put a smile on God’s face. And if it puts a smile on God’s face, it makes me happy, too!
Interesting article. Not unlike the single women who find this daunting, I too find church to only fit a certain few. I work full-time, as does my husband. Day time activities are out of the question. My husband and I have been told we need to join the evening home groups. Well….my husband works early shift, getting up at 3 a.m. So,to attend these home groups, it would mean leaving 1/2 way through them to make our way home for him to get his much-needed sleep. When attending church, it’s true….you’re really not known unless you attend these groups. Any suggestions on how to feel connected?
Hi Michelle,
I am so glad you found the book by Dr. Ana and then cried out to Jesus! I can so relate to how the Lord turned my life and church experience around when I changed my heart attitude toward God, toward my brothers and sisters in Christ and toward myself, too. When I realized that I was expecting God and everyone else to be a blessing to me, and I was not doing anything to reach out to others because I was living in fear of how they might see me, how they might think of me, I began to change. I meditated on Psalm 3:3, which tells me that God is my Shield, my Glory, and the Lifter of my head. I do not need to walk in shame before others, as I have the Lord as my ever-present shield of faith, and I can believe in the gifts He has given me and walk as His beloved daughter. And I realized that I was probably not the only one sitting back hoping someone would approach me because I was afraid and lonely. So I started praying before each service and asking the Lord to fill me with His Holy Spirit and grant me His courage and the His strength to walk in His love. The change was dramatic, as His Perfect Love tossed my fear out of me and I began to approach others, and others began to approach me, as well. Now, I am no longer lonely at church, and I am no longer afraid, but joyful and filled with the peace and love of Jesus as I worship the Lord. I look forward to interacting with my church family both in church and outside of church, as well as talking to others who do not yet know the Lord and praying for and encouraging them. For me, the difference was Jesus through the Holy Spirit convicting me that I needed to renew my mind in His Word, the Bible. When I began to study and pray over His Scriptures daily, my life and church experience was transformed.
Thank you so much, Claire, for this article, and Michelle and each one of you who are participating in this discussion. Truly, we are the church!
Wow, I was so surprised to stumble across this page! I have felt so much the same feelings in a church I have been visiting. Once, I asked about volunteer opportunities in the church. I was told “oh we always could use help in the day care.” Um, why do people assume because I am female, I want to volunteer in the day care?! I want to volunteer and help adults–but I was treated like a leper when I mentioned it! Churches are very much geared towards families, young singles, or those with children and I am none of the listed.
After sitting alone for weeks on end (even after I tried to be friendly) I got the message and left that ice cold tomb called church. If there’s no love of God in church, it’s not a real church. God’s people ARE the church. It’s not something you go to. People only love others who are like themselves, that’s self-love. After all the young people in my church got married and quit doing things together as a group, it never was the same again. People change over the years, and I guess I’ve been left behind.
Im also having that problem – Im training to be a teacher in the UK, and everyone keeps putting me in the student bracket – and i know im only 24 but ive done the student years and now my course is more like training on the job and i dont have the same flexibility – i just want to mix with some other working 20-30s but its hard to find a church that caters for that age bracket. I keep going into churches and walking out having spoken to none or very few people. It makes me think life is easier when your married because you come as a pair and at least if no-one else speaks to you then you not on your own! At the moment because ive recently moved to a new place and am church hunting i kinda feel like im being rejected everytime that i walk outa church having not being noticed at all! its like applying for jobs and each time a little more confidence is chipped away so much that it makes me not want to go at all and every sunday i have to force myself to get up and go with a smile on my face.
It’s sad to think that even in this day & age that there are people attending churches that don’t fit in. I happen to be one of them. I have been attending a Christian Church for approx. 2 years & still feel very left out & not able to “fit in”. My partner & I have been together for almost 13 years but we are not married & don’t have children. We are not even engaged! He likes going to this particular church but it’s not my calling. He decided that this was the church for him, but he didn’t take my feelings into consideration at all. Sure, when we first started attending everybody was all over us like a rash, but now (especially me) no-one comes near us. It’s like we’ve got a fatal disease.
I just feel very left out because I don’t fit in to the church criteria. It seems to me that if you want to be part of the “family” you MUST be MARRIED; you MUST have CHILDREN & you MUST be RICH!!!
My partner & I used to go to another Christian Church until it recently closed down a few months ago. The majority of followers were business people. We weren’t business owners so therefore we were looked down upon because we were different. There was an entire family who ran the church & wouldn’t let anyone else participate in running the services. Many people left because of them & their greediness & their nasty attitude toward others.
I my opinion church people are a funny breed. They simply either like you or they don’t! It’s a fact of life that it doesn’t matter what group or organisation you are involved in there is always someone in the group who doesn’t want you to fit in for fear that you will take over their position &/or do a better job than they do. Believe me I have been involved in many different organisations over the years & it has always been the same outcome. It’s just not fair! It has turned me off going to church or joining other groups.
We live in a society based on family connections, which is no different than any other society that has ever existed. The churches are no different that any other fascist human society, while portraying something else.
omg… lol. Just you wait. I was just like you — nobody could get me off that track — and then… just you wait. One day you’ll wake up old with a ruined life wishing you could get the time back & not have wasted it with the Jesus freak vampires. La Says is figuring it out… the church folks love to go around pretending that church is a “family”, and they act out the exact opposite — furthermore they intentionally & systematically destroy the lives of those who are born not fortunate enough to have had family to begin with, while rubbing in the INFERIORITY of the GENE POOL to the degree of going overseas to save the poor innocent orphans OVER THERE. Like: man, if you don’t have family, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU & what YOU are doing. Get fed up and get out before you let them manipulate you into destroying your OWN life by listening to the headgames for one more minute. IF you consider your life precious, because they sure as shine DON’T… The real Jesus spoke of FRUIT, and what you can tell by it.
On May 15 2010, I posted a comment to this article sharing how alone I feel at church even though in once sense I’m a “family”. The months since I posted that comment have continued to be lonly and very testing. The number of Sunday’s I’ve hit the snooze button and wished it were Monday instead of Sunday were stacking up. Then one of my grandmother’s friends let my mother a book called Regions of Captivity by Dr Ana Mendez Ferrell. My mum read me an excert from the book about a young single man who spoke with Dr Ana about how he felt invisible at church. That no-one remembered his name and that he was’t able to get involved no matter how much he wanted to. I’m sure many of you are all nodding just like I was – yep that’s me, no one remember my name, no one cares if I’m there or not… you know how we feel. Then Dr Ana went on to tell how the young man was being held captive in the realm of forgetfullness. When he was released from that spiritual bondage his church life and even personal life turned round. Now I’m not saying that this is the case for all of us – but it did make me realise that I was playing right into Satan’s hands letting myself become miserable and lonely in God’s house. I have been seeking God harder than ever and whilst it is a really hard road I am seeing a change in my Sundays. My daughter actually asked to go to church the other day – I had to give her a quick hug and leave the room to wipe my eyes as she doesn’t understand happy tears (autism really makes emotions a tricky mindfield – especially in the very young). Would you believe that last Sunday three pepole came up and actually talked to me and were genuinely interested in my daughter and my lifes – God is working a miracle in our lives. I pray that each and every one of you who are feeling the way I felt – isolated, alone, miserable, like there’s no point in going on, will turn to Jesus with your broken heart and dreams and let Him pour His oil of healing over you. Seek hard after God, draw your heart near to Him – you may just be as surprised as I was at the miracles He can work in your life!! :) God Bess
I accidentally submitted before I could edit the fourth to last paragraph.
I feel that I’m only a member of the church because I can serve.
I can babysit.
I can cook.
I can do easy maintainence.
I can listen to others’ problems.
But there is no place from me apart from when I’m providing a service.
And I’m completely alone there when I need help myself.
I’ve found that the church isn’t expected to be a family but rather a place for families.
When I’ve tried to connect with people outside of church, I’ve been told that they can’t meet because they have families. I’ve been told to my face that we could start community groups that I can be a part of, but I’ve since heard that the same people have been saying that they don’t see the purpose of starting any other groups because the existing ones and their connections outside of the church is sufficient.
Existing community groups are for couples and children.
I have no lover, no children, and no relatives who are saved let alone attend church.
I don’t belong.
When there is a problem, people approach me because I’m the token single.
I’m always told that my singleness is a blessing because it means that I can devote myself to the church. It’s partly true.
The only people who care to be a part of my life and let me be a part of theirs are my unsaved friends that I’ve had before being born-again.
If it weren’t for them, I’d have no community or love at all.
This blog post really hits home for me.
If you can’t figure out what they are doing to you, then you are just going to end up with a problem. I tried to warn you. I wish someone had bothered to warn me. As I said, I have been to many, many churches of all different denominations all over this country and even overseas and they all do the same thing. If you come from a family and have a home, a house, a college degree and permanence, then disregard all my comments, because OBVIOUSLY this is racism based (and I am “white”, but racism = psychiatry against poor people, in order to KEEP THEM THERE). I have seen & experienced TOO MUCH and it’s pretty obvious what’s going on.
Invisible Refugee – I can’t argue with your own experience, and I am sorry to hear of it, but you can’t dictate my experience either. I have a been a single church goer for most of my life and it’s a topic I discuss at length with my friends. I have never encountered anyone other than yourself who has labeled “mentally ill” by the church for being single. Excluded, yes. Made to feel that we are unworthy of the blessing of marriage, that too. But mentally ill is not something that has ever come up.
I don’t know what has happened to you, I only know what has happened to me. I can assure you that not all churches are like this, because I have been in them. I have been in churches I was heavily involved with, and churches where I just showed up Sunday morning and I’ve never come across this. I do not doubt that you HAVE experienced this, but for what’s it worth there are churches where this does not happen. It is tempting to label all of Christianity based off of a specific experience, tempting, but not entirely accurate. Yes all churches should be loving and accepting and all churches should value life the way God values it but that is not the case.
I can hear the hurt in your comment, the loss of self, the anger which is completely justified. I wish there was anything I could say that would ease that, but I’m not sure that those words exist.
Yes you have met many people that were labeled “mentally ill” for being single in church, you just are not aware of it. The rest of the victims don’t bother to speak — once the mob uses psychiatric slander, the individual never has a voice or an identity again.
Invisible Refugee, I’m sorry that my comment seemed insensitive. Your original posts didn’t give many details, so I made incorrect assumptions. Again I want to say that it’s extremely unfortunate to say the least that you had such terrible experiences, and I don’t claim to know what you’re going through. I must protest that unlike your description of me, I don’t own a house or a car, and I make minimum wage at my job. Since I did not grow up as a Christian and most of my family are not Christians, I don’t have any family ties either. All I can say is that I have never seen anyone labeled “mentally ill” merely for being single in church; those people who did that were clearly wrong!
Church in general has failed you, and I’m sorry on their behalf for the way you were treated and how they have disgraced Jesus’ name (as hollow as that may sound coming from some unknown person on the Internet). I hope that over time you’ll reconsider Jesus despite the sins of his misguided followers. Church is only one way to meet with others, and not strictly necessary to be a Christian.
Um, NO I haven’t had “some pretty negative experiences with A church”, I have had atrocious experiences in ALL of them. I have also been a “member” (sub-member, as never acceptable in reality) of many different churches in many denominations in many states and even other countries, always as a single person, and I can tell you from EVERY experience that I had that YES it IS VERY common. Church people are unchangeable. They cannot and will not ever admit when they are wrong, and therefore are incapable of being forgiven, which makes it even more toxic. It was time to move on a long time ago, which is exactly what I did by wising up to the fact that Christianity is poison, but unfortunately that was only after several churches combined totally destroyed my life. Now I am single forever. I seriously wish I had wised up sooner, but Christianity did a great job of brainwashing me into believing that I should be the example of forgiveness to the end. In that sense, and ONLY in that sense was I “mentally ill”. You have never been labeled because of your nice house and car, because of your college degree(s), high post occupation and/or family ties… those of us who were born with NONE of those things are kept out of all of those things by CHRISTIANS. Oh, unless of course born in some other poor 3rd world country, because we 3rd world Americans aren’t SUPPOSED to exist, we DON’T exist. In the Utopia States of America we are just “crazy”. Same thing Russia, Romania and China does to its terrible secrets.
Invisible Refugee, it sounds like you’ve had some pretty negative and harmful experiences with a church. I have been a member of several different churches in different denominations over the years, have always been single, and have never been labeled “mentally ill”. So while it’s sad and a travesty that they would do that to you, I don’t think it is at all common.
I like Blase’s advice: If you don’t like the way things are at your church, make an effort to change it. If you have honestly tried and nothing has changed, it’s time to move on and look for a church community that you truly can be a part of, and that can feel at home without being condemned for being single.
“isolation” = “mental illness” !!! THIS IS WHAT THE CHURCHES IN CAHOOTS WITH PSYCHIATRY PREACH!
My Gawd… you have got to be kidding! How long have you been putting yourself through this? I only say it that way, because as bullheaded and loving & forgiving a person as I was got me burnt the worst kind of way in those places! Get yourself OUT OF THERE (churches) before you haven’t got a life left to protect! You are a SITTING DUCK — take it from one who KNOWS, from the SAME BOAT! They will make you out to be “mentally ill” for not being “able” to find a husband – they will chase all the single men away from you by telling them that you are single because you are “mentally ill”!!! GET OUT OF THERE! CHURCHES ARE HOTBEDS FOR SCAPEGOATING – why do you think they worship a dying man on a cross???
When I was in your place I decided to be part of the solution. Fortunately, at that church our pastors allowed new ideas and I began a Young Adults Group which grew and flourished. Maybe you’re older than that, but if you can think of something to try to start, others will thank you.
I’m now married with a family and have still felt lonely. Some of it has to do with other things going on in life, expectations of others and what I think “should” be happening. It doesn’t help to be an idealist or to think there is one blanket solution for all.
As I’ve been the wife of a job-transferring husband I’ve been in many types of churches. It gets complicated looking for one to meet the kids’ needs and my own. Church plants excite me but rarely have the daytime group I’ve needed personally (as my family keeps me busy evenings). I’ve found in the larger churches you can come and go and no one needs to ever see you. That’s not good either.
We have to become creative in finding what it is we need in life, for sure.
Hi all, I Found this webpage via googling “i wont go back to church alone” this morning, Its Sunday today. This is the biggest battle I am going through as well being a single male at 33. Although I’m not really concerned with the battle at a people level any longer but wrestle with god everyday. The piece of scripture I quote back to God is (NIV) Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” I dont like been alone at church .. AND outside of church!
How true it is!
But, the Lord walked alone in his ministry on earth – to be touched by the feeling of our infirmities. So, He knows and understands the sorrows and the blasts of loneliness, when ousted from circles. But, He created each one of us as a unique individual – and positioned us uniquely – to allow His ministry to flow through us. I believe it takes sincere prayer for the Lord to reveal what He wants for each of us – whether single or not.
What a powerful prayer, Michelle! I am so thankful that Jesus simply said, “Come unto me” (John 7:37). There’s no prerequisite. We are all fully accepted, just as we are. Our status doesn’t matter to the Lord: married, single, widow, divorced, child, no children, working woman, home-keeping woman. Claire’s article and each thoughtful comment has helped us find common ground (this is what one accord is all about). Regardless of our different circumstances and needs, we’ve all been touched by the the One who simply said, “Come”. He understands the pain of rejection and loneliness we feel. He also suffered isolation in the church—the very place where you’d think the Savior would be celebrated and embraced. When we feel deeply alone and orphaned, anywhere & especially in His house (the church), God draws us near and He whispers His sweet acceptance in our ear.
Kelley, I think it’s fantastic that you are actively trying to include more women in your ministry plans. It must have been frustrating to have the attendance not meet your expectations. It might help to just straight out ask some of the ladies in your church if there is a time that would work for them to come to a brainstorming. Or see if there is another way to get their imput. Does your church have a blog they could comment on? Is there an email address they could write to? You could try a free web-based survey (surveymonkey.com is very easy to use). If you let women know that you are trying to plan activities for them and then provide an easy, quick way for them to respond you might get the information you are looking for. It is wonderful to hear that there are churches that are really trying to be inclusive!
I’m a part of the Women’s Ministry Team at our church. I felt very convicted in this area so we decided to see what we could do for the single moms in our church. Since I’m very out of touch with their needs we decided to have a brainstorming meeting. We invited all the single moms and single woment (without children). This was on a Sunday right after church. We provided lunch for the women and their children. We provided childcare. We thought that would be the most convenient time. Only one lady showed up – one that is already very involved in Women’s Ministry. So…I have no idea what else to do. Note: we do offer Bible studies in the evening on a weekday and also on Sunday evening.
Hi all,
My heart grieves that there are so many of us who feel lonely. I’m a single mum with an adorable daughter who has special needs. She is unable to attend sunday school due to her sensitivities (she has sensory processing disorder) and is regularly bullied and picked on by the children at the church. I spend my sunday’s sitting in the church cafe feeling alone and isolated. I’ve asked God why He moved me from my church home of 34 years to this new place where I feel so alone. I’m still not 100% sure of the answer but I do know that in my aloneness I’ve never been closer to God. The lonelier and more isolated I have become the more I’ve had to rely on God and His comfort and support. I don’t know why church seems to be one of the loneliest places for us but I do know that through my pain I have grown closer to the One who is my sufficiency – Jesus.
I too work when the mothers and womens groups are on, I don’t drive so can’t attend any of the “girly” outings that they plan and child minding is difficult when your child is in the special needs catagory. I’ve been there where people smile and say they’ll include you but the logistics become to hard for them so they turn away to those they know are easy. My heart aches for all who feel lonely and isolated in the one place that should be a haven of acceptance and inclusion. I challenge myself and all who have participated in this blog to pray for revival and God driven change in the modern church. We all are part of the Heavenly Family and should experience the joy of it here on earth not just when we meet our Lord and Savior.
May God bless every one of us who feels alone and may He pour his oil of peace and comfort on our souls as we strive to grow closer to Him during this difficult walk we are undertaking.
As I said, I don’t understand it and I am not condoning it or making excuses; I am the one who posted on 5/15 and I am shunned myself. I was not saying that my church would not allow a ladies’ bible study- just not one as a “support group” for women whose husbands did not go to church with them.
It is not right to judge anybody and it would so good if the church would allow reasonable dialogue on these topics rather than groupthink that is inconsistent with Christ’s message and silence and rejection for us outliers.
I think fear could have a lot to do with it, but while it might be a reason, it’s not an excuse. It is incredibly unfair for someone to think that I might be a “temptation in the workplace”. I am very careful in my dress at work and conduct myself there, the way I do in the rest of my life. I don’t flirt with married men, in or out of the office.
I have seen a similar fear in action though in Bible studies where an unmarried woman walks in and all the wives snuggle in closer to their husbands and glare protectively. Amazingly, that never makes me feel welcome :) I don’t need the reminder ladies, I am very aware of what is yours. I promise I wasn’t planning anything.
I once discussed some of my concerns about how women are treated in the church with a trusted mentor and she provided me with some insights that I found helpful. When some other women make derogatory remarks to women who are childless, later-life moms, or whose husbands don’t go to church with them, or if the church makes these “rules” seemingly to put women down, it might be indicative of some fear or distrust on their part. For example, if the church is accepting to divorced people, or women whose husbands don’t attend church, then the fear is that it will happen to them, or lead to immoral behavior. And as for judging women with nontraditional careers (outside the home), they may worry that some bad circumstance would cause them to have to leave their safe coccoon at home and take a paid job among the heathen general public. Perhaps the fear is that women working will be a threat to the husband or provide temptations to be unfaithful and lead to a breakdown of the family. I find it most difficult to understand, but perhaps this is not a result of a feeling of superiority but one of irrational fear.
Susi, Patti, Tiffany, & Sharon – I am encouraged too to see that I am not the only one who feels this way. We all have something to contribute to the church community – whatever our situation is at home. I am still struggling to find the best way to do that. The only place I’ve found so far is helping to cook dinner for the youth who run Youth Church. How ironic that the 18 years olds are more accepting than the grown ups :)
Dawn, my heart hurt when I read your comment. The implication that having a Bible study with women only will only lead to a complaints-about-men session is incredibly insulting. I don’t even know what to say to the “taking a job from a man” comment. I had to double check my calendar, I *thought* it was 2010 and not 1940. I wish that the church was better at seeing each of us as individuals of value. Way back in Genesis 1:27 it says ” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God didn’t create men and then as an after thought dreamed up women. He created us, male and female, right from the beginning, and BOTH are reflective of the nature and character of God. I don’t know why women in so many different family situations are made to feel like second class citizens in some churches – especially if we don’t fit the married with children at the “right” time mold. The strength of a community lies in the differences.
You don’t have to be single or childless to feel left out. I’m married with two children, but I work (have to pay the bills), and my oldest daughter was born when I was 40. Seems that older moms are an oddity, and it’s never been easy to fit in.
I could relate to this article in a different way—My husband and I have no children and find as the author did that churches are for families. I agree that we need very strong families as Christians; however, it would be nice to find a place that would center around something other than children. Our marrieds Sunday school class was mainly a parenting lesson, and I’ve been to several churches where the adult Sunday school was like that. I would love to find a church that has a young professionals class—somewhere that focused on how to navigate the work-a-day world for the rest of us. I get so burned out on having to explain why we don’t/won’t have children to mothers who think I am lesser. This article really helped me feel less alone.
I am not single, but I work full time. All the ladie’s bible studies in my church are during the week-days and during the day. I miss out on all of them. There is not a one meeting at night and I miss out on all the wonderful teaching and friendship I could have at my church. I have not made friendships even after going to the same church for 5 years, I think because I have not been able to be involved with the women of the church.
I know that there must be other working ladies in my church who feel the same way. Maybe I could start a working ladie’s group.
Thanks for the food for thought!
Wow! What an amazing article!!! I actually, wonderfully found someone who has felt like I have for the last 10 years after going through a horrible divorce. If I go to a church where they “knew” my ex-husband, they treated me like a criminal because they only saw him on Sunday morning sitting on the front row acting ‘holy’, but if I go to a new church, it’s like I’m a stray cat who sauntered in from the street and they don’t quite know what to do—feed me some milk and hope I’ll survive? or cuddle it so I’ll somehow feel loved for the moment. It’s a wonder anyone goes to church anymore at all.
I am a married Christian woman with no children with a husband who does not go to my church. Two of the supposedly Christian churches I have attended won’t have ministries for single women or women whose husbands don’t come to church because they don’t want to encourage complaining sessions about men ( women exist to build them up, we are told ). I’ve been told by stay at home moms that I am taking a job from a man who is trying to support his family and I have been told that I can be a part of the church by serving my sisters in Christ who have kids by working in the child care ministry!! And my husband’s church says I am in sin because I don’t have children…But I can’t even have them!None of this is very supportive to a childless married woman who sits alone at all the events centered around families in the church.
Tiffany – If someone did start a singles only church I think we’d have exactly the same problem, just in reverse. As soon as someone got married they wouldn’t fit anymore. I think the challenge is find a way to be together in our different-ness. It’s the combination of the ways we are different AND the ways we are the same that leads to the strength of the community. It takes work, from all of us and I know I need to play my part in that as well. But it can be hard to keeping trying to reach out when it feels like I’m constantly having my hand slapped for being here in the first place.
You raise a valid point Melissa. I’ve updated the chat link to one that occurs later in the evening. You can always see a full schedule of chats here. We try to include times throughout the day and evening as we have readers around the world who also come to the chats. I hope you are able to find one that fits your own situation. The comments are always open for discussion and you are welcome to comment here. We are working on updating our commenting system so it’s easier to follow the conversation here.
Claire – I’d like to add, please, it is when I am serving – whether at the Welcome Booth, selling tickets to an event, or serving at the Food Closet, that I feel a “part” of the church. It’s then that I feel connected, and it’s those times when I meet some amazing God-loving people. It’s then that I do feel a part of something. I just remind myself that the “church” is people and that my relationship with God is what matters. Thanks again!
The author mentions timing making events unavailable because of scheduling when a person works to support themselves and/or a family or spouse, yet you are holding the chats referred to in the article on a similar type of schedule for those of us on the west coast who have to work. 4pm eastern is before most jobs end for the day and right in the middle of the workday for those of us in the pacific time zone (3 hours earlier – 1pm). I know you also have some evening times but those still fall early for us westerners which leaves minimal opportunities at best. Perhaps a “live” chat at a specific time for those that are able to attend but then also have a blog or bulletin board type set up for the dialogue to continue in a format where scheduling no longer matters because the discussion forum is open 24/7 which provides an opportunity for all interested parties to participate and read not only the material presented to spark the dialogue but all the dialogue related to that chat. Limiting the post to a few days of open comments would allow for newer topics and material to be accessed without distracting from the already “closed” chats or discussions.
Too bad we’re either not welcome, or it’s insinuated that we’re somehow less than adequate.
Maybe, I think you just nailed what I find most hurtful about the whole situation — it’s the implication that we’re somehow lesser. My family status does not mean God loves me less. Psalm 68:8 says, “God puts the lonely in families.” I worry sometimes that maybe God has let me be alone because I can handle it, but when I sit myself down and really think about it I know that there’s no logic in that line of thinking. God loves me and He wants the very best for me. I choose to trust that He knows what He’s doing, even when I think that if I was writing the story of my life, we’d be in a different chapter by now.
I am not single. I am married with 2 adult sons and 1 daughter in law. However, after 2 years of trying, I quit going to my church for the same reason. I felt very alone. My husband goes to a different church. Everyone at “my” church was very nice – if I approached them. They would be pleasant and then turn back to talk to the people they were friends with. I finally left “my” church and am going to a Catholic church, with my husband. His church is very nice but I don’t really feel like I’m being “fed” there. It’s so good to know I’m not the only one who feels alone in church. God bless you for bringing out this issue.
Thank you Claire. I appreciate your wisdom & encouragement.
Peggy – I can’t believe you were told you don’t meet the criteria O_o YOU WIN. I suppose it would be easier if people fit into neat little boxes, but why would we need the church if community was easy? How quickly we forget that we’re not all in the same situation. Some of the married people have children in crisis, some are blissfully happy, single Moms are single for a million different reasons, singles are single for many different reasons too. I remember a few years ago a friend of mine came to church heavily pregnant with a child she was not planning. Someone said something horrible to her and a good friend of mine turned to them and said “It’s Sunday morning, where else should she be but here?” There is so much truth in that statement.
We are the church, we’re supposed to gather together. Hebrews reminds us – “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” We need each other, all of us. Those of us on the fringes need it a little extra because we don’t have the full time support of a live-in adult who loves us. I wish more churches could remember that the message of the Gospel is one of inclusion, of equality and community. How can we preach that and in the same breath say “but you don’t fit here”. Jesus was all about the misfits. I wish his church could be too.
Wow. I feel like you read my mind. I am a single, working mom. I’m not just single, I’m a single mom. I’m not married and I don’t get to stay home with my son like most of the ladies in the women’s groups I’ve attended. I feel like I don’t fit in any where. I found a Bible study that I would’ve loved to have attended, but I was told I didn’t meet the criteria – I’m not married. Thank you for your article. I’ll bet it will open a lot of eyes!
I laughed out loud at: “Without a trace of irony she tilted her head asked, “Every Tuesday?”
That is so spot-on!
If some folks just realised that those of us who do work EVERY Tuesday may have funds and skills at our disposal to help the church out.
Too bad we’re either not welcome, or it’s insinuated that we’re somehow less than adequate.
Love this article. I wish someone would start a singles only church.