I Only Feel Alone at Church
A few years ago I was attending a fairly large church. In early September we had a ministry fair in the gym. There was popcorn and small children running around and little tables set up for each of the church’s outreaches and activities. As I made my way round the gym I came to Ladies’ Bible Study table. “Oh Claire,” the lady at the booth said “You must come to our ladies’ study!”
“I’d love to,” I replied. “When is it?”
“Tuesday mornings at 9,” she told me.
“Oh, that’s too bad, I’ll be at work then,” I informed her.
Without a trace of irony she tilted her head asked, “Every Tuesday?”
By the grace of God, I kept my mouth shut and just smiled. “Only the weeks when I want to pay my rent,” I thought. “Only when I’d like to eat.”
I am not married, nor do I have children which leaves me outside of a lot of the ministries my church offers. I don’t fit with the young Moms, or the newly weds, or the college kids, or the under 25s. I am none of those things, but I am a whole person and someone who would like to be part of the church given a chance. I’m sure it’s the same for adults who find themselves single again later in life.
The vast majority of churches are designed around families. The church I grew up in even had that as their slogan “a place for families to grow”. It’s great if you are in a family, but if you’re not, it sends a pretty clear message that this is not the place for you.
I am single, but I am rarely lonely. I live with a roommate who is practically my sister. I have nieces and nephews, cousins and parents close by. I have a place to be on Christmas morning and someone to tell my stories to at night. The only place I feel alone is at church. Isn’t that exactly the opposite of the way things should be?
The church, they keep telling me, is all about community. That’s a lovely idea but it has not been my experience. I don’t expect the church to cater to the minority, but it would be nice to be considered, even just a little. Imagine if your church had a ladies’ event with no childcare? Imagine a men’s bible study at 9 in the morning on Tuesday. Would you feel cared for then? We’re supposed to be all about taking care of each other. I wish I could be included in that.
In her article, “Single, But Not Alone” Jacqueline Overpeck asks, “How can marrieds interact with this vital and growing group in a way that they will appreciate?” She goes on to offer three practical ways to include single adults in your church activities. If you are an adult in a church community, take a minute to read it. Take a look at your own church’s activities. Is there a place for single adults? Are we part of the family too?
Whether married or single or single again, God has plans for each and every one of us. Try our Life Lesson “Living with Significance” to learn more about living in the hope of the plans God has for you.
Join us in the chat room for a discussion of Speaking the Truth in Love May 18, 2010 10:00 pm EDT
Tags: church, Claire Colvin, inclusive, Jacqueline Overpeck, living with significance, Self, single, spiritual growth
69 Responses to “I Only Feel Alone at Church”
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Interesting perspective Single Guy. I have never been in a church that excluded single people from leadership because they were single. It is more about single people choosing not to be involved in leadership. In fact in the current church I attend we have singles giving leadership in a number of different areas, especially in the area of men’s ministry. I can’t think of any area that they aren’t allowed to be a part of except maybe a Marriage Enrichment weekend.
I agree that it isn’t easy to be single in church, however at the same time I also know that singles need to choose to be involved. For years we had singles in our small group and loved having them be a part of everything that we did. Look for places to get involved and you won’t feel like you don’t belong.
Churches want to bring you in and win your heart to Jesus but then because you’re single they ignore that you exist. Singles are often left out and treated like second class citizens because they’re not married. They’re often times not allowed to be part of most activities or allowed in any leadership roles because they’re not married. Everything is about married people with families and you end up left out. People talk about how it’s such a blessing to be single but yet that usually comes from someone that’s married. If being single is such a blessing then why aren’t you single too? Couples in churches invite each other to various activities but seldom if at all invite the single people. It’s hard to go to church sometimes because you’re surrounded by people that are happy married families.
I like what brother T says about God’s perfect timing, and His meeting our needs. I think that as we try to fit in and be of service somehow, the group will give us friendship and make us a part of them. One pastor often quoted Psalm 68:6 “God sets the lonely in families,” NIV. (He said singles in place of lonely). I also believe it is helpful when there is group dinner or tea, it is good to set an odd number of places at a table. At church I often sit alone because my wife prefers to sleep in till noon. I can handle that, but would prefer to have her with me more often. Also, I see 3 or more widowers sitting together on the same church bench; they obviously understand one-another. What more can I say. Let me close with the observation that the very outgoing and dynamic singles make themselves comfortable wherever they are. May more of us take them as an example.
Thank you brenda. I needed to hear what you said and it is no coincedence God’s perfect timing. He leads and it is wonderful when we follow. I was not going to go to Church tomorrow but now i’m going to. You seem like a very powerful and mature women of God! I thank God for you and may He continue blessing you so you can continue being a blessing to others for the Glory of God1 Forever In Christ! Brother T.
Oh OK that makes sense Maureen. I’m sorry that I misunderstood what you were saying. I believe that there is hope for us. As you mentioned, it sounds like you have recently found a more welcoming congregation and I am happy to say that to my great surprise, I find myself in the same boat. In the last two months I found a church that genuinely seems to care about the people who come to the services. I was personally invited to a small group the very first Sunday I was there and slowly but surely it’s starting to feel less strange, more familiar to be with them. Thank God Himself for that.
Hi Claire,
When I wrote my comment, I didn’t mean that I thought the church should be there for singles and we didn’t need to be the for everyone else. Of course I am there for my brothers and sisters in Christ, we are supposed to help and support each other. My comment sounded one sided because I was thinking about my previous church family that still disregards and excludes adult singles and doesn’t even try to use their talents to edify the congregation.
Maureen,
I think it’s not quite as one sided as that. Yes, the church needs to make room for us too, but I don’t think that the church exists entirely to serve me, I want to be able to serve the church as well. There’s a line in a book I read recently that said, “Help me and let me help you” and I feel like that it what is missing when it comes to the way the church treats single adults. I would like the church to support me, but I would also like the opportunity to support the church. Inclusion goes both ways.
I am 48, never been married and I had pretty much given up on finding a church where I could fit in as an adult. I grew up in the church, and when I was a younger single there were always youth groups, but as you age there really is nothing for us. I stayed away from church for a few years. But lately I have been attending a Salvation Army church and feel comfortable with the friendly congregation.
Being single is not easy, but I do not think that being single is some sort of curse or misfortune – even though many in the church treat it that way. I guess they have never read I Corinthians 7. Instead of judging us, churches should embrace us and incorporate us into the church body. They need to understand that single adults are not “big kids”. We are people that have to work and support ourselves, our children if we are parents, our own parents as they age and many are supporting their children and their parents at the same time. The church needs to be there for us, instead of dismissing and/or condemning us.
Tray,
What an excellent question – does my perception of something dictate whether or not it exists? The philosophy classes I took in university were a LONG time ago, but until someone smarter shows up, here’s how I would answer that question. It’s yes and no, but mostly no.
If you cannot perceive the thing that you have then you end up living as if you didn’t have it. This is the classic “if I give you a check and you don’t cash it you have access to the money but live poor as if you had no money at all” example that is often used to describe God’s offer of salvation. So it can definitely feel like your perception has created your reality. And in one sense, it has. We live the life we believe exists. However, I would argue that the possibility of living a different life, of believing something else is still there.
Consider my Mom. She is about as short-sighted as you can get without being actually blind. If you take her glasses off and hold an apple in your hand 5 feet from her face she cannot see the apple. She has no way to perceive the apple. She sees a blur, she can’t even see your hand. Does her short sightedness zap the apple out of existence? No, the apple is right there, but she cannot see it even though it’s literally right in front of her face. Give her back her glasses and for her the apple seems to appear magically out of the mist, but it was there all along. Her perception has not altered the reality.
I truly do believe that it is the same with you and God’s love. I understand that you cannot perceive and that you do not feel it and so you are living in a reality where God does not love you. I believe that he does. I don’t know what your spiritual background is like. For me, I believe the Bible, I believe that God wasn’t lying when he spoke about his own love. I believe that God does not have favourites and that when he says he loves the world he means it, even though that means that he also loves people that I hate.
So how can I prove God’s love to you? Can I lend you my faith? Does my belief that he does love you help you at all? Mostly likely, probably not. Maybe a little. There are so many verses in the Bible that speak of God’s love. If you are a Bible reader, or if you used to be, read them again. Keep reading them. Are you someone who prays? Or did you used to be? If so, ask God to reveal himself to you. Tell him what you are experiencing. Like the father in Mark 9:24 ask God to help your unbelief.
You asked how I perceive God’s love. I feel it. Not always, and there have definitely been seasons in my life when I questioned it, but most of the time I genuinely feel it. I feel it when I see the beauty of the world around me and think about the God that created it. I feel it when I’m in trouble and I pray and he helps. I feel it when unexpectedly good things happen. When I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been and I was seriously considering ending my life God spoke to me in a dream. I know how crazy that sounds, but he did. It has only ever happened once in my life, but it saved my life. I have no idea how to make it happen again, or even if I could.
How do you hold on when there’s nothing to hold on to? I think that that is the very core of faith. Faith says, “I am willing to believe that it could be possible” long before it is able to say, “I believe that this is true.” What would you do differently, right now, if you did believe that God loves you? When I spoke of God’s love as a resource, I meant that when you can feel God’s love it gives strength and hope and companionship and joy. That’s an incredible resource. But you don’t have that right now because you can’t feel it. I wonder if you started to live as if you did have it, if it would get easier to feel it? I have no idea.
This comment has gotten really long and I don’t want to hand you a book so I’ll leave it at this for now. I believe that God loves you. I believe that he loves you whether or not you are in a place where you can feel it. I believe that there are times in our lives when feeling God’s love is almost impossible, but I believe that he is still there, even then. I prayed for you this morning because I believe that helps too. I hope that you can feel it.
Claire, I appreciate your words of encouragement and positive attitude! Truly, as you mentioned: We can’t control when we meet that one person who changes everything, but we CAN control how alone we are. Admittedly, at times I do interact better with non-churchgoers than church-goers. But then, one never knows if one’s ministry is to minister to lost souls “out there”, more than ministering to weary souls “in the church”? Like you, I am simply trusting in the Lord’s promises and believe that at the right time He will manifest His promises to me.
Tray, I truly feel for you – that dark place is scary. I too suffered depression and Satan was very keen to keep me locked up in this “lonely syndrome”. But, the Lord graciously revealed to me that it does not depend on me or my friends or my family – its simple FAITH in the promises in His Word. Mmmmm, easier said than done: as I’m still battling to let go and let God. At times, I had so many preconceived thoughts and ideas that I failed to recognise the promise that God laid right before me. But I am learning not to accept people at face value and to try and understand them and their situations –and yes, many times they are hurting, too. Perhaps, by reaching out to others, they’ll reach out to you – this is surely a Word principle – what you sow, you reap.
God Bless
Claire,
I’m not being argumentative but I really don’t understand something you said about God’s love. “…The love that you do have is an incredible resource.”
What I don’t get is this: I have no way to percieve God’s love therefore I have to way to verify that I actually have it. I cannot appreciate a love that is not shown to me and cannot draw strength from it.
I know that others claim to feel love, however, God chooses not to show that love toward me.
“…A world without that would be a very scary place indeed.” Sadly, I already live in that place. :(
In answer to another of your questions: Yes, I am a catch and would make someone’s day brighter with my presence, even in my current state…
I do not have a commitment to any church since they all seem to operate the same way. Yes, I have tried several and the experience is the same. For this reason, I do not attend church at all.
My family is on the other side of the country but I have asked them for help and they refused to get involved. Friends refuse to help either.
I know I rambled a bit but you gave me a lot to process. Unfortunately, it all hinges on one’s ability to percieve God’s love. How does this work for you?
Tray
Tray, It breaks my heart to hear you say,“I am learning to accept that love is simply not possible in this life.” That is not true. Philippians 2:12 gives the charge to “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling”. I am not a theologian, but when I read this verse I think it means “keep working at your faith even when it doesn’t make sense, wrestle with it if you have to you, don’t let it go.” I know, first hand, how hard it is not to have the family you thought you would have. I am a little younger than you, but not much. I cannot tell you why you are not married any more than I can answer that question for myself, but I can tell you this: love exists, love is happening right now and life will never, ever be easier without God.
I don’t know what the rest of your situation is like. Do you have family close by? Are you in a place where you have a good circle of friend? If you do, it certainly helps. But even if you don’t, remember that God really truly does love you. And no, in spite of what people try to tell us, it is NOT the same as being married, but it is an amazing love. Don’t dismiss it. An absence of romantic or sexual love does not equal an absence of love altogether. It might feel like splitting hairs, but it’s not. The love that you do have is an incredible resource. God’s love is where our capacity to love comes from. A world without that would be a very scary place indeed.
If you take a look at the comments on one of our other articles, Does God Promise You a Spouse? you’ll see that you and I are not alone. There are many of us, trying to live a good Christian life and aching for a partner to share it with. Make no mistake, this is a hard road to walk, but it can be done. If I knew of 5 steps to find the perfect spouse, I promise I would hand them over. But it doesn’t work that way. All I can do is focus on what I know to be true about God. I know that He loves me. I know that He has a plan for me. I know that He sees me. I know that He gave His most precious thing to save me. I know that whether or not there is a wedding in my future His plan for me is not to wither away alone in the corner. It’s not His plan for you either.
I would caution you against letting the church speak on behalf of God. You said that because the church rejected you that that means God has rejected you also. I don’t think that that is true. Yes the church is the body of Christ, but that does not always mean that the church acts perfectly. Church is full of people so how could it ever be perfect? (I go to church, so that for sure means that it cannot be perfect because I know that I am not.) If you’ve had a bad experience with a church, try another one. And yes, I know how hard that is too. I am trying to find a new church community at the moment and I dislike the process so much I am tempted to go back to the church that didn’t work out just so I can stop looking. But that’s not the answer either. Perseverance. Courage. That’s what it’s going to take.
We can’t control when we meet that one person who changes everything, but we CAN control how alone we are. I know for myself that when I’m feeling lonely my go to response is to turn inward, I want to find a bolt hole and curl up in with with a good book. But that doesn’t solve the problem. If I want to be less alone, I need to go where the people are. Do you volunteer? If not, is there something that you love doing and a place where you can volunteer with that? I recently started volunteering at an equestrian therapy place. The lure of horses helped me get over the fear of walking into a place where I didn’t know a soul. Because I had useful skills I was able to integrate quickly, there was something for me to do. That very first day I was a stranger, but now, just three weeks later, people greet me by name when I walk in to the barn and they are glad that I’m there. I am still looking to replicate that experience in a church, but hey it’s a start.
It’s tempting to focus on what we cannot change and tempting to take what appears to be true in one area and apply it across the board. (ie This church rejected me therefore God does not love me.) As much as you can, focus on what IS in your control. Be around people, even and especially, in places where you are not there just to look for a date. Take a look at your own level of happiness. Are you a catch right now? Would spending time with you make someone’s day better? If you are in a place where you are depressed or just down, see what you can do to improve your mood now, before you meet someone. If God brings your future spouse to you today her presence alone would not be enough to make you happy and satisfied. That has to come from you. Which is good news and bad news. Yes it means you’re going to have do the work, but YES it means that you can start right now. You don’t have to wait for anyone.
Like Eileen, above, I am 40 and unmarried with no children.
I’ve tried going to church but feel as unwelcome as she has. It may be worse for me because churchgoers seem to be suspicious of a middle aged man who comes to church alone.
No welcomes, no good byes, no greetings of any kind. The church, and by extension God, have spoken and the message is clear. I am not welcome.
Also, like Eileen, I have found no support groups for people our age. I guess we are just perishable items on the market shelf of life awaiting discard. I am learning to accept that love is simply not possible in this life. Wish I could just beleive that there is no God, it would make things so much easier…
Sorry for the rant but I had to tell someone.
dear eileen– awww i feel for you, tough. may i maybe suggest to you another church to attend with people who are about your age and where you are welcome and are maybe useful or is it possible to reach to people at that church, i am praying for you. i am the sanme boat most people our age have grown children and there isn’t a bible study either but i try to reach out to people.
I couldn’t agree more. I’m 39, divorced with no kids. I do not fit in at church at all. There are no study groups for people my age, and forget women’s ministry. The women’s groups are for married women with kids who stay at home and can meet for studies at 10 a.m. weekdays. needless to say, that tells me volumes about what women like me are thought of as in the church. I’m not useful or welcome.
i attend a church, i am loved there but do feel left out because me and my husband don’t have chilren, its hard to really fit in, i love the church but i am trying to stay connected with the people there and help people who need help and be a friend to people
Hello Innocent- This is jorrible and I hope there are some mature Christians at your church where you can tell them what is going on…. Also, they shouldn’t do this, but are they judging you for being with a “partner” like you stated? I mean, are they pre-judging that you’re living with someone? or this person? I dont understand what they are judging you “for”? Not that there is a good reason for anyone to judge and ridicule, and if they were mature they’d talk to you alone if they were concerned about something like living with someone when you’re not married,etc, or they would have some consideration to speak to you privately, etc, or with compassion or care,etc.
I would really tell some kind person in leadership about this, because it needs to be “called out” . Also, there is one thing that I have done that I need to remember ,and perhaps youre in this same position: I have walked passed a group who may have laughed, and I worried for a moment “is it me? ” and it was , in fact, just a funny comment that had nothing to do with me. I pray this is the case and it is not about you, perhaps! Just a thought. The the glaring looks or rudeness is uncalled fore and youre rught, very un-Christ like. I’ve had milder problems like this, and just recently my friend who lives 100 miles away [ not at my own church but another one] told me, “pray for them, they might not be saved, or they might need God to convict them and soften their hearts” . Yes, this is the hardest thing, to pray for our enemies, but you know what? Jesus was scorned and ignored, and ridiculed, and we “esteemd Him not” so He can walk with you, He carries you, He loves you, He has felt the same shame, and He will be a hedge of protection around you, I pray!! xoxo, Elle [ In California :) ]
I was always under the impression that church was supposed to be a place of friendly worship & fellowship with other christians in a nonthreatening environment. However, what I am about to tell you will probably shock you.
There is this one person at the small church I attend & for some unknown reason he/she has taken an instant disliking towards me. This person works in a factory & I get the impression that this person is bored with his/her job. I think his/her problem is that because he/she works long hours in a boring job & starts gossiping, he/she thinks that they can continue this behaviour on in church. Therefore, he/she thinks they can talk about people behind their backs & get away with it. However, in this case, he/she hasn’t because I am fully aware of what he/she is doing.
This person has gone around to other people in the church & told them not to have anything to do with me (which is something that I thought only goes on in school/workplace). This sort of behaviour is so childish & I cannot believe he/she is supposed to be a mature Christian person. It is obvious that he/she does not have the love of God in her heart or otherwise he/she wouldn’t be carrying on like this. I am just amazed that nobody has picked up on his/her immature behaviour. This person’s mother also attends the same church & either doesn’t care about this immature behaviour or is aware of it but won’t do anything about it. The mother also has somthing wrong with her because as soon as she sees my partner & I sit down on the opposite side of the church, she starts laughing at me. This person is so low that he/she even tells those accompanying her (visitors) negative things about me. I picked up on this yesterday when he/she had a visitor with him/her. When it came time for communion, the pair were looking directly at me & he/she was saying something & laughing at the same time at me whilst telling his/her accompanying visitor. Yesterday at the service I had my big oversized overcoat on as the building gets bitterly cold during the winter months. I gave an icy glare at the pair of them & I think the male person knew that I was aware of what was going on & immediately took the stupid grin off his face.
It is very weak that in this day & age that this sort of behaviour goes on, especially in the house of God where everyone who attends is supposed to kind to one another. I don’t mean to sound negative about ths ordeal but I hope that somebody picks up on his/her behaviour & gives him/her what for.
I have always been a victim of bullying right through school & even out in the real world but to be picked & talked about for no apparent reason in a church is just going a bit too far. I am going to bring this matter to the attention of the Pastor to inform him of what is really going on within the congregation. I am sure there are others attending this church who are unaware of what this person is doing & it’s about time someone (such as myself) said something about what he/she is really like.
By the way, he/she also hosts a bible study group at his/her house. I’m thinking that I should attend one evening just to see how she behaves when I’m there!!! I have no time for 2-faced people & this is what he/she is.
This is just so positive, Elle: “loving someone as a child of God can sometimes mean “NOT” trying to connect with them if they seem to reject you, but instead pray for them, go to others in need, and dont focus on them… b/c focusing on the ones who avoid me, and trying to get their approval, is feeding into their sin [ of being rude] so it’s better to avoid. Godd advice Id say. Be there if they come around, but dont chase them.
I just ALSO need to find a singles group in my neighbourhood, if not in my own church, so Im checking out a friends’ church next weekend.”
Thank you for your attitude and your actions of Christian maturity. Sometimes it can be so difficult not to run when we do not get our needs met, and when others who are “supposed to be” mature in Christ do not behave in a way that is anything other than self-serving. Not taking offense is avoiding Satan’t trap, and you are doing exactly that: staying out of the claws of the enemy and running into the arms of the Lord! God bless you!