Don’t Skip Your High School Reunion
I was a little surprised to see a headline on CNN this morning that was in favor of High School reunions. I could feel my stomach curdle just thinking about it. Why would anyone subject themselves to high school again, even just for a night? Surely the only people who actually go to those things are the wildly successful with something to show off or those sad souls who really did have the best days of their life in locker lined hallways.
Isn’t half the fun of being a grown-up NOT going to events like that?
But as I read Jeff Pearlman’s piece, he raises a great point. Maybe that fear and dread is exactly why we should go. He writes:
Life is short. And boring and dry. And if we don’t occasionally force ourselves to face the most uncomfortable of situations, we shrivel up and die in front of the television, a half-eaten bag of stale Fritos in one hand, the remote control in the other.
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He writes of going back, not the to school itself, but of stepping into a room full of people who knew him when he was too young to know better. He danced with the untouchable girl, chatted with better athlete and found, to his surprise that as 30 year olds, they were on surprisingly equal footing.
He goes on to say that, “Never again will you have a better chance to cleanse yourself, to make peace with the past. . .the reunion served as my farewell to any and all longstanding bitternesss.”
It reminds me of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Dave Wilcox’ “Last Chance Waltz” which also speaks of the healing potential of high school reunions. (You can hear it on David’s site)
But to heal the old pain we must face it again
so I’ll walk down that hallway once more.
I have come to this 10 yr reunion for my heart is still pris’ner of war.
‘n if I find it’s alright we’re escaping tonight.
That’s what I came back here for.
Won’t you please waltz me free?
The turns of our steps are untangling me,
free from some dragged around memory
and the rusty old remnants of fear.
It is so tempting to walk away from things that might be uncomfortable. But while a safe life might be easier, it’s also small, limited. Does this mean I’m ready to face my own reunion? I don’t know yet. It might be my Nineveh, but it’s certainly something to think about. A friend of mine talks a lot about the way we tell our own stories, the language we use to describe ourselves. I know that there are parts of my own story that I still tell in the broken language of someone who got hurt in those hallways. Maybe I need to take my adult self back the scene of the crime, to see if I view the truth differently now. (You can read my story here) Did you go to your high school reunion? Should I go to mine?
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I am sorry you had such a bad experience at your reunion Doug. I guess sometimes have expectations can be a dangerous thing because it can set us up for disappointment and miss some really good things because we are looking for something else.
My 35th was tonight. I didn’t go. These Fritos suck, but so did 99% of my class. I went to my 20th, and even the people I thought liked me didn’t seem to want to speak to me at all. I realized then that reunions were mistakes. Even my good memories got shot down. I should have just left it alone. I had built it up to much better than it acually was. Why go and have my fantasy sullied.
Hi Mortensorchid, do you think you will have any real satisfaction having the respect of your old classmates for a lie? I think you will have a much more fulfilling connection with people there by being honest about who you are. But that’s my opinion…
I have my 20th high school reunion coming up this summer. I am terrified on one hand but I am feeling better about it thanks to reading this article. I also have my handsome fake trophy husband to accompany me 10 years my junior as arm candy. We are not an item, I invited him for the specific purpose of being my arm candy. Ha ha ha …
Hi Patty, It’s great to hear that you enjoyed yourself!
I’m in the airport getting ready to return home from my 45th year reunion. I was neither popular nor athletic in high school. In retrospect I was very insecure. I wouldn’t have missed the reunion for anything. I like the way my life turned out. It was great fun to just see everyone and hug them, ask about their children, grandchildren, parents, retirement plans. It was well attended and a tremendous amount of fun. It was good to reconnect. I’ll do it again in five years.
I have never attended a high school reunion, nor any social function with former students. High school was now 32 years ago. I am proud to say my glory days were not spent in the confines of a school setting. I have grown, matured and have left high school in the past, where it belongs.
I had a dose of reality of the real adult world. I had the opportunity to work instead of attend school during the second last semester due to a scheduling conflict. This was a real blue collar job, I worked with adults and had adult responsibilities. There was not the option of picking and choosing assignments, nor could they be put off until the last minute and the required effort was not based upon my interest in the task. I was expected to do what I was told, how I was told and when I was told. There was no goofing around, no ogling girls, no day dreaming. There would be real lasting consequences for such behavior.
The adults had real adult issues to deal with. A life threatening illness, an upcoming marriage, mortgage obligations, rent, utilities, a franchisee trying to keep his head above water. What was so important within the school culture was revealed to me as completey irrelevant and a waste of one’s energy.
Who you hung out with, getting invited to the right parties, where you sat in the cafeteria, rock concerts, clothes, hairstyle, shoes,bands, singers, dances- all of these concerns were so important in school are totally worthless concerns in the real world.
I left school on the last day, and the whole experience just keeps getting pushed farther down on the scap heap of history. This is not to say that I did not benefit from the education. I went to visit a few of the teachers who made an impact on me and thanked them for making that impact.
The group I hung out with went their separate ways, went on to post secondary education and eventually jobs that were miles away. I recognize only a handful of names that are listed on the alumni site and fewer friends.
What was important in high school, what bonded us together, our interests and activities are no longer what I am interested in. It may be interesting to see how they are all doing now, but it is not a priority.
I did find a group on facebook who seem to socialize with the school crowd. The pretty, well dressed, made up, nice hairstyle girls of 35 years ago now really need it. Good thing they have so many years of practice. I did try to search some of the star athletes. None ever made it to the big leagues, although one particularly loud and arrogant individual now coaches high school football.
The pals all pose for picture, the buddies-for-life crunched together group hugs, all with scuffed beer bottles in hand, reminiscing about the best times of their lifes, no doubt tearfully pledging their friendship for life is not for me.
I have grown above and beyond that time of my life. I hope to continue on that trajectory. I can take no pleasure in gloating about how much better off I may be than others. I have no need to brag. The memories are neither happy nor sad, just part of the past and fading away more and more each year.
We organized my high school reunion for our pre 45th. Was great. We did a website. Adding senior pics. New pics. And a memorial page for classmates that passed. Things picked up with new interest for attending our reuniion the attendance since our 40th has tripled. We include everyone. Located alll but four of the class. I was not popular in high school. Just wanted to make a difference in the way people look at reunions. It worked. Learned we can t please everyone. I think there is a stigma about what people think. Being bald. Gained weight. Who cares. Just go. You will miss friends you need to reconnect with iIt is wwhat it is.
After doing a website for my class of 350. We did a website for my husbands class of 650. Again perked a lot of interest and more attended his 45th. Enjoy it and add it to your bucket list of things to do
Well Dave, my friend John used to be a pretty bad apple. He has shared some of the stories of the things he used to do to other people and I look at him now and I can’t believe it. And he grew up in a Christian family and should have known better but it just goes to show you that going to church does not make someone a Christian. It wasn’t until John hit an all-time low that he honestly looked to Jesus for help and was incredibly transformed. The Bible says, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! All this newness of life is from God, who brought us back to himself through what Christ did.” (2Corinthians 5:17-18) A few years ago John read an editorial in the local newspaper about a guy who had been tormented by some bullies in grade school. John remembered this guy and realized that he was one of the bullies. He found the guy and was able to apologize for all that he had done. That is the kind of difference that Jesus can make in a person’s life.
You see a person is not a Christian because of the good things that they do but because they have come to realize that on their own their life is a mess. They realize that they need someone who can help make them into a new person. Jesus invites them to accept the new life that He gives. Jesus takes the sin and ugliness and in turn gives righteousness and purity. Out of gratefulness and through the moment-by-moment leading of Jesus, Christians’ lives more and more reflect the character of Jesus.
I want you to know that Jesus is inviting you to become a new person. He can transform you as well. I would invite you to have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose and find out how Jesus can bring you new life.
Jamie, thank you for your response. As much as I would like to believe what you say is true, it is just so hard for me to believe people like that get a strong teaching in their ways. I am no longer religious so I can’t know what the Christ part is like but am glad that is a positive part in his life.
Dave, I am not saying that you should go to your reunion but I would disagree with you: if anything, not attending your reunion because of bullies allows them to still have influence on your life. By attending your reunion you can make a statement that their torment of you has ended.
Also, a good friend of mine was a bully in school. He has totally changed and has made a lot of effort to make ammends for the hurt he caused in grade school. I guess I should point out that the change happened because of his relationship with Jesus Christ. It is amazing to see!
I will not be going to my high school reunion. I was bullied very badly and by going it just shows them that what they did was right, and enables them to do it again. Bullies never change.
My parents moved out of state 3 days after I graduated from high school. I was only back once after that UNTIL I decided I was upset no one ever tried to find me and let me know there was a reunion. I felt very left out. Figured no one remembered me. I always felt like I didn’t fit in. I was quiet and not confident at all. I searched out people from my school on Classmates and started chatting. Found out there was going to be a SPECIAL 46 years reunion. I decided I was going. I will never be sorry I went. I saw a lot of old people there but they used to be my classmates. We laughed a lot and visited a lot and I will NEVER be sorry I went. No one was bragging about who had what or what they did. It was such a happy time. My husband even enjoyed watching us reconnect and he took lots of pictures for me. He even got a bigger kick out of meeting my old flame. GO to your reunion if you are adult enough to do it If you are still acting like the teens you remember then your not ready to go yet.
I went to a 10 year Highschool reunion and ti was great to see each other. It was 10 years since the school was built that I went too. I have not been to one since. i do not see a lot of the people that i went with at that time. At that time i mostly stayed at home with my family.
I have enjoyed reading the article & the posts. I am heading to my 30year reunion next month & it is not without great trepidation. I was not popular, smart or pretty at school. I left school & spent the next 10 or so years battling chronic drug addition. I have came through the other side, have gone on to obtain a degree & post graduate Masters degree , marry, have 2 kids & develop a great career. HOwever, as I have aged I have wondered if it really was as bad as I remember or if it was more a case of my insecurities. I have decided to attend to put to peace my past & celebrate who I have become.
It interesting that two commenters now have said “I haven’t heard from a single one of them”. I have to ask, have they heard from you?
Sometimes when you reach out to people there’s more of a response than what you get to see. I send out Christmas cards every year. I do it because I enjoy the process of making them and I like to greet old friends and frankly I’m a sucker for traditions and sending real paper things through the mail. Each year I send out about 40 cards and usually get about 10 back. In the last two weeks (keep in mind, it’s August now) I’ve heard from two friends who said how much they appreciate those cards. One still has hers pinned up all these months later.
You don’t always know who it was who was really glad to hear from you. These friends did not say a word at Christmas when I sent the cards, and it would have been easy to assume that they went unnoticed. But they did not. If you’ve tried to contact old friends, give them more than one chance. They just might surprise you.
Here’s my dilemma: I’ve received an invitation to attend my 40th High School Reunion – except it isn’t just my high school. You see my high school was closed due to falling attendance over 30 years ago and the reunion is the remnants of my class plus that of another school. I’ve also checked the roster of who’s attending and save for two names (and they were not my Best Buds but more like acquaintances from Chemistry class), I know no one who is attending. So why spend the $100 for the ticket and another couple of hundred for air?
And oh yes, ever since the day I moved away to go to college – I hadn’t heard from a single one. I think I have my answer.
i missed mine high school reunion becaue we were away but i wish i went to the high school reunion to see where is every one at even though i don’t think i had changed, maybe i’ve gotten more mature.
I had a painful time in high school. Parents were alcoholics, I didn’t make good grades, and ended up working minimum wage jobs for years. After the military, I finally achieved some level of maturity and re-started college. It’s still tough, but i’m making A’s and B’s towards a science degree. I’d probably be dead if it wasn’t for the military, it’s the only thing i can be proud of.
Not really looking to share that with a bunch of people who never called me in the last decade.
I have on our high school reunion committee a few times and from my observations an overall rule of thumb about people who attend the reunions: If one is basically happy and satisfied with their life (they do not have to be rich and famous), accepts what their life is and who they are, then they come to their high school reunions.
All the reunions I attended were just lots of laughs, smiles, hugs and “how ya’ doing-long time no see”.
And, sheesh, it is only 2-3 hours out of your life.
The only people that said they did not have fun at the reunions were the ones that sat in the back of the room or against the wall and expected everyone to come up an personally greet them. It ain’t gonna’ happen. Get up and mingle!
Hi Janine,
It takes character to speak out, to express one’s feelings, and to be honest. The first re-unions are not that much fun, as most people try to impress their classmates about rescent accomplishments. Then, after 10 to 30 years, it is just great to re-connect and laugh about by-gone days! Maybe you’re right about modern technology making communicaton so much easier than it used to be. But I’d say, that a good face-to-face visit with the closest friends is something to look forward to. For me it’s every 10 years! What can I say? —- Be glad for those that do show up.
FMy 50th is coming up in a few years, Alfred.
I can understand all the reasons why people don’t want to go to reunions. I planned my 40th anny class reunion and the turnout was like 5-8% of the class – very low. I just figured it was one last possible chance for old friends and classmates to reconnect and look back on more innocent times – when we had hopes for our futures. Thanks to Facebook and Classmates, reunions aren’t as important to people because they find out everything that’s going on (and see pictures) with the people they want to keep in touch with, anyway
It’s a year away from my 5 year reunion so I don’t have much room to talk but… I think I’ll go and check it out. If it sucks, it’s not like I have to stay. I’m not looking forward to people I STILL want to strangle or the people who had it so easy that they will be done with a college degree by that point (Still working on mine) and be bragging about it. I AM looking forward to people I didn’t know I missed or people that I had the wrong impression of. I want to see who is genuine and I didn’t see it before, the grown version of the “Popular kids” who you can still role your eyes at since they didn’t really grow up, and the ones that you just want to reconnect with. Sometimes, the best of friends can come of some time apart. And more likely than not, Karma will have taken it’s toll so I’ll want to see that (good or bad) for everyone.
I honestly don’t think I could ever bring myself to going to a high school reunion.
My 10-year reunion is coming up this summer, and here’s basically what it boils down to for me: I simply dreaded high school.
The people I knew (I wouldn’t even call them friends) never included me into any of their cliques. I never got invited to one party. I never had a single date. I get these uncontrollable twitches every time I think back to those four years that I despised. The only steps I’ve taken to try and alleviate some of those ugly feelings include throwing away all of my high school yearbooks, then eventually even my middle school and elementary school yearbooks. The memories are just too painful.
Now, I don’t mind running into some of those people from my past. But to do it in the setting of a high school reunion would be entirely different for me. What’s the point of reminiscing about good times when you had no good times to begin with?
Also, what’s the point of bragging about where you are in life when you’re far from satisfied with where you are?
Before you go to your next high school reunion….
… flip through your senior yearbook and ponder the people and places of that time in your life. Look at the faces and let your memory work its recollection magic. The good and the bad will come back to you like it was yesterday.
Bring everything forward as far as you can. If you’ve lost track of some you won’t have much to think about, but some you know of to this day.
Memories are part of a reunion, but the present and future are, too. It’s easy to talk about the good old days, but to venture into the meat of our lives is not as easy. To talk of births is fun but not deaths; success but not failure, love but not loss.
Can you talk about your kids? Were your kids good kids? Were you a good parent? One most times reflects the other. It’s fun to talk about our kids and their adventures and some misadventures, but not the real pain they may have caused us. It might be because of the pain we caused them.
Grand kids are different. Hopefully, they are all joy.
If you are brave and do go to a class reunion touchbase with all you can, find out about their parents and siblings, be open and honest and sincere so the others know at least one somebody they know has grown up.
“…Healing potential? … “Never again will you have a better chance to cleanse yourself, to make peace with the past. . .the reunion served as my farewell to any and all longstanding bitternesss.”
I had a great time in high school and am at total peace with the past. However, I had no desire to go back to the past and spend an evening and a lot of money on people I am no longer friends with. I would rather spend that time with and money on my family – even if it is just watching TV and eating Fritos.
There are a few high school friends I stay in touch with. I see them and communicate with them regularly.
It just depends. Do you plan on going and telling the truth about who you are? Or are you at a point in your life where you wish you would achieved something you havent? I personally feel that long term relationships are healthy but if it was a bad exp. for you let it go!!! We have bigge fish to fry. I am a way different person now than I was that long ago. I am an introvert so I don’t want people knowing my business. It was all fake anyways!!!