Avoiding Divorce

Written by Claire Colvin

We’ve all heard the stat that 50% of marriages end in divorce. It’s a horrible number, so much heartache in that one statistic. But researchers are now saying that there’s more reason to hope. Walking down the aisle doesn’t have to feel like flipping a coin.

Jennifer Baker, the researcher who is credited, erroneously she claims, with coming up with the 50% stat says that it is almost impossible to gather an accurate stat for the state of all marriages. “It’s a very murky statistic,” she says . Rather it is only possible to compare groups within society over time.

If you look a little closer, there is good news.

Tara Parker-Pope, a New York Times reporter and author of For Better noted in her research that:

Since the 1970s, when more women started going to college and delaying marriage, “marital stability appears to be improving each decade,” she writes. For example, about 23% of college graduates who married in the ’70s split within 10 years. For those who wed in the ’90s, the rate dropped to 16%.

Always late? Take our time management Life Lesson
Are you struggling in your work life?: Talk to a mentor

All this is good news, but at the end of the day stats will not save your marriage. And it’s not because, as Blaise Pascal noted, “Love has its reasons that Reason knows not.” A marriage doesn’t succeed or fail because it should. There are plenty of people in what seem like perfect families until they fall apart, and others who face great tragedy and stay together. So what makes the difference?

Do you fight fair? Do you know how to have a good fight? Didn’t know there was a right way of fighting? Take our Life Lesson and learn how to have a good fight and how to fight fair.

Always a good enough reason

I went to a liberal arts school which required everyone to take a sociology course. I took a course on marriage and the family, and it has turned out to be one of the best learning experiences of my life. There are several things our Prof said that stay with me all these years later, but perhaps the most important was this:

“If divorce is an option in your marriage, you will always find a reason to do it.” ~ Dr. Mike Richardson

He told that that are times in every marriage where you would be completely justified in walking away. He reminded us that there are going to be times when divorce is the logical choice, maybe even times when you really would be better off of your own. The work of marriage, he reminded us, is not in simply saying “I love you. I choose you.” It’s in saying “I still love you. I choose in you when it’s hard, I choose you when I’m angry. I choose you when you’ve hurt me and I trust that you will choose me when I hurt you too.”

The key to avoiding divorce is not getting into a marriage that works, it’s getting to work in your marriage. Know your partner, continue to learn them as you love them. Let them get to know you too, let them in. That is the true intimacy of marriage.

There are times when in spite of our very best efforts marriages fail. There are times when insurmountable things happen and times when someone walks away. The harsh truth is that you can’t be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you. If that is your situation, my heart breaks for you and I hope that you are able to get the care you need. For everyone else, if you’re facing a bump a the road, don’t let it become the cliff you jump off of. Find a counselor, talk to each other, do the work to make it work and no statistic in the world will be able to touch you.

Does your marriage need help? Are you at a point point that you are ready to leave? Check out FamilyLife Canada for Canadian Residents and FamilyLife USA for American residents, they specialize on helping families that are struggling.

Tags: Claire Colvin, divorce, Family, marriage, Men, relationships, sex and love, statistics, Women

5 Responses to “Avoiding Divorce”

Loading comments
Jamie says:

November 2, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Lots of good advice there Jessica. It sounds like you know what you are talking about. How have you learned these things? Personal experience or a good book?
jessica says:

October 26, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Don’t worry. Trust in God and He will work out all things for good. Let God be strong for you. Keep praying and never give up. Fast as well. I suggest you try taking the “Love Dare” and get marriage counseling from a strong Christian. I’ll be praying for you. Pray for your husband especially. This is a time where you really need to give all your effort. Focus not on all your problems but on the Father of Heaven Who is bigger than ANY problem. You can do all things through Christ Who strengthens you. God bless you.
tracey says:

September 18, 2010 at 2:29 pm

i am going through what yu are going through for the last 10 weeks, and its hard so hard, but men need space and when you give it to them they seem to start missin g you, and see you differently, i went walking it killed me to leave the house, i even got dressed and went out and drove the car, just to show i didnt care even tough i was broken in bits, time space and patience thats what men need, try it xxx
LD1026 says:

September 13, 2010 at 8:33 pm

you were 13 when you got married
yanays delbusto says:

July 22, 2010 at 12:21 pm

i am 24 years old and i have two beautiful kids and now me and my husband are in the middle of a divorce after 11 years of marriage. i dont know what to do to save my marriage and not lose my family and the man i love with my whole life. i am so afarid of loseing him . i am in love with him like the first day we met. i have spoken to him to give our marriage a chance to not let it go and brake our beautiful family we have and he doesnt want to come back home or have anything to do with me . he says he doesnt feel the same. please help me not lose my husband. i pray to god every night on my knees to help me and my kids see me crying everyday and i cant even be strong for them. my husband was my whole life and my whole meaning for me to live and be strong . please help me guide me through this hard part in my life i am going through.