When You Feel Very Alone in your Marriage

Written by Sheila Wray Gregoire

WhenYouFeelVeryAlone_290x220In the Christian wife/Mommy blogosphere, a lot of patterns are evident.  Many of us who write give very similar advice. Rely on God. Focus on being the best wife you can be, not on changing your husband. Care for your marriage & kids first. Create a nice home. These things are all true, and I hope that people can come here for some encouragement in doing the most important job in the world!

I think most of you who do come here come to get help around the edges. In general, things are going well, but they could always use some tweaking!  Most of my posts, I think, are written with these types of readers in mind. You have a family you’re committed to, and you’re trying to work the kinks out. You love your husband, even if he does have faults (which you can obviously name).

Sometimes, though, people live in a much more desperate situation. I was talking to a friend who finally ended a very dysfunctional marriage last year. She said that sometimes she would read my blog and feel so sad, because it didn’t matter how much she did what I said, nothing ever changed. The typical answers and typical advice weren’t cutting it.

Married, but alone

A lot of women out there feel very alone in their marriages, and if you’re in a marriage where you have found your soul mate, try to put yourself in these women’s shoes for a moment. Here’s a comment that was left yesterday:

I still can’t get myself to accept things. My husband does not have a physically demanding job. The past 4-5 months especially have been easy. He is admittedly not doing anything at work.

I cook, I clean. I care for the kids when they’re sick, no matter what time of day or if he’s off work. I run our special needs child to his three-days-a-week appointments. One of those days my other son has an appointment at the same place so of course he goes as well. Sick or not, I take care of the kids. I had the flu two years ago and the first day I was sick he dealt with the kids, but after that? He was pissed that I was still laying around and not doing anything so he got to slamming our bedroom door when he’d go out, not shushing the kids if/when they got loud, etc. That’s one of many times where he’s been less than considerate.

Of course if he has a headache and stuffy nose he’s swearing he has a migraine and he take several different types of medication and sleeps for 10-11 hours straight, yelling if the kids are getting loud.

We’re supposed to move and our house is nowhere near ready to put on the market. It should have been on by now but while he had 3 months to lay the new flooring in our house, he didn’t finish. One room still needs to be done. I, on the other hand, have all of the daily issues on top of painting every room in the house, getting the outside painted, repainting our kitchen cabinets, painting the cabinets in the hall and bathrooms, redoing the tile in our hall bath, rebuilding our master bath shower that he gutted two years ago and never finished, tiling both bathroom floors, de-cluttering and organizing so that the movers know what is storage and what goes.. I don’t have the money to hire those jobs out so I have to do it.

He occasionally mows the yard, and when our kids start a sport he’s gung-ho in the beginning but by the second week in he’s sighing and rolling his eyes when I ask if he’s taking one of our boys to practice. Inevitably they’ll have at least one practice or game per week that coincides with the other’s practice or game, and I count myself fortunate if they’re in the same park or building. Many times they aren’t and because he’s oh-so-worn out and has computer games to play, I’m running like a headless chicken. Throw in an active toddler and I’m busy, worn out, worn down, and just plain beat.

Yes, I’m bitter and resentful, not to mention completely jealous of women who have husbands who help out even when the husband has a busy work schedule.

Don’t suggest I have a talk with him because I have. Many, many times. And many times he’s sworn he’ll change and help out. The only reason I’m still with him is because when I left him a few years ago I couldn’t get a job anywhere and began having anxiety attacks. Not to mention lack of support from family and being made to feel like we’d worn out our welcome and I needed to quit being a child and just go back to my husband. So here I sit.

I can feel this woman’s pain. Can you? Honestly, what would you do if you were married to a man who did not care for your kids, played computer games all day, and didn’t lift a finger to help you? Now, admittedly, we’re only getting this woman’s side of the story, but I have talked to women who are living something very similar. It happens. Very frequently.

So what would you say to her? I’m going to take a stab at it now, but I invite you to answer in the comments, too. Perhaps we’ll have different approaches to it, but hopefully we can offer something that would be helpful.

First, let me say that To Love, Honor and Vacuum was written exactly for women going through this. In fact, I based the book on two women I was close to who were experiencing virtually exactly the same thing. So I know from whence I speak.

And let me tell you what I told them. You cannot change him; you can only change yourself. But you have a lot of power within you to change. God is there to help you create a godly home, where everyone respects each other and grows closer to Him. That is what He wants. Your job is to ask God to show you how to build respect and godliness within your home.

Part of that job may be to stop enabling others to act in an unChristlike manner. It sounds like you do all the housework, and he does very little. That means that you do a lot for him. You don’t have to keep doing this. You could sit down and tell him that you are exhausted, and some things are going to have to come off of your plate. Offer him alternatives. But show him that some of these things will directly affect him. (Laundry, for instance, or making the kinds of meals he likes. If you can live on sandwiches & cereal, it’s a lot easier to make, and it’s still nutritious!). Then take some of that time that you save and use it to do your devotions, to have a bath, to knit, to relax, to do what you need to do to rejuvenate. Don’t do it to punish him; do it to create a new dynamic so that you can keep going.

If you’re busy running the children everywhere, and he won’t help, ask him what it would take for him to start driving a child to soccer. Ask him if this is possible. Don’t ask him when you’re angry; ask him because you simply want help. If he can’t give it, you’re no worse off than you are now. But ask him what is keeping him from doing it? Is he not getting enough sleep?

Or take it from a different perspective. Ask him what are the most important goals he has in life. Share with him yours. Write them on your fridge. Now ask how he’s meeting them. If he wants to be a good father, then ask him how you can help him engage with the kids during the week. Does he want to take soccer? Bath time?  Bedtime? If he doesn’t, and he’d just like to play computer games, then ask him how he’d like the kids to think of him. Does he want them to remember him always being on the computer, or does he want them to remember him cheering them at games?

But if he just won’t, you have a decision to make. Can you keep living like this? If you were a single parent, you could not do it all. You could not run a house and keep the kids in all kinds of activities and hold down a job. You couldn’t. You would get help, or you would cut things out.

So if your husband won’t help, you basically are acting as a single parent. What will you cut out? Even if your husband has abdicated responsibility for the family, you can’t. And you can’t abdicate your responsibility to your marriage, either. I would suggest getting the kids out of activities as much as possible and making your schedule as easy as possible, so that you don’t burn out and you can keep going.

Finally, make family fun. Cut down as much as you can so you can get enough rest and sleep. And then use that energy to make your home fun. Play games. Go for walks. Laugh a lot. When family is fun, he’s more likely to want to be involved. When it’s all chores, he won’t. And the more unhappy you are, and the more you nag him, the more he will retreat.

Some people are just plain selfish. He very well could be one of these. Your job is to find peace and fulfillment in God, and then find ways to transfer that peace and fulfillment to the rest of those in your family. Don’t always resent. Don’t let yourself get bitter. Change your family life so that you do have more energy and things do get done.

Oh, and about the house: stop it. Don’t move. Stay there. Don’t put it on the market. So you lose money. I know that’s tough. But if you are always stepping in and doing everything, he never will step up to the plate. Talk about what’s reasonable for both of you to do, and then you do your part. If he doesn’t do his, then you can’t sell the house. Don’t nag him about it. Simply do your part. Whether or not he does his is up to him. And if he starts to suffer financially for it, then maybe that will inspire a burst of energy. Right now, he’s probably waiting for you to come through, like you always have in the past. Don’t enable irresponsibility.

One other thing about how to act biblically in marriage: there are two sides to the Proverbs 31 woman. First, yes, she did a ton and cared for her family well. But second, she had help, as someone pointed out in the comments yesterday. She had servant girls, but she also had a husband who was engaged in the family business, too. He was in the public square, transacting business, where he praised her. Yes, we’re to be the Proverbs 31 woman, but it’s difficult to do all of this without at least some help. If you don’t have that help, I think you need to readjust what’s expected of you so you don’t burn out.

God designed marriage to be a genuine partnership. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s very lopsided. Now if your spouse isn’t much of a partner, that doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility to live up to your partnership. We’re to care for our homes and our kids and our husbands regardless. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy, and it doesn’t mean that we should do everything for those who persist in laziness, enabling very un Christ like behavior.

So that’s what I’ve got to say. What about the rest of you? Any thoughts on how to help her? Am I being too easy? Too harsh? What do you think?

This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.

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188 Responses to “When You Feel Very Alone in your Marriage”

  • Dad says:

    I work weekdays to bring money into the house. My girlfriend looks after our 2 year old and maintains the house. After coming home from a hard days work I need time to unwind and relax or I could not continue working and providing for my family. My girlfriend gets nearly as much money as me from benefits and welfare. But I have to buy all the food shopping and give her money when she runs out. She says “I should not be so tired because I get breaks at work and working is my choice”. She once had a job but says it was too hard to continue. Sometimes I have got upset with her. I said she can take a break in the day when she wants to, not when someone tells you you can.She says she does a full time job at home. She also says she hates weekends, the only time I am at home in the day. I said I would happily switch roles with me staying home and she goes to work giving me money for what I need. She refused. One day I came back early from work and saw that she was sleeping. Is this what she means by a full time job? I care for her and my children, the ones that she really wanted. My child is about to start school. I stated that we can not afford more children but she stopped taking contraception and is allergic to condoms. I tried not to have inter course with her but she said I am unkind and not caring. Now she is expecting. I am a man and it weighs heavy on me that I am trapped. This is a mans experience and I would like to know how others see it?

  • Rashid says:

    Shelley
    You are very welcome blessing to you

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thank you for your comment Rashid.

  • Rashid says:

    Chris landwerlen
    You are right. Children protection is important but it has to be made sure otherwise children go through pain. That’s why Maria get has to be under law of the Holy spirit. Blessing to all children of the world

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    just_joi….if you or your child are in danger, jesus himself in Matthew 10 taught to get out of dangerous situations. marriage was meant to be for our protection in a true family environment. if your husband isnt fulfilling that role then seperating can be a biblical option. blessings!

  • Rashid says:

    Thank you Shelley God will listen your pray that for praying for all I pray for you God fill your heart in Jesus name Amen

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up my friends to you at this time in there lives, that you will help not be alone as they at times feel. Lord You are our God who says You will never leave us or forsakes us in all situations in this life. I pray that you will heal them who feel alone. In jesus Name Amen

  • Just_JOI says:

    At least I’m not the only one going through this. I feel so stuck. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked into this unfair role. Desperate to escape without scaring my child. This man is not a husband nor a father. More of a drug-user, manipulator, verbal abuser and a phony.

  • Rashid says:

    Chris Land werlen
    Thank you for your kind pray for me God bless you in every way in Jesus name Amen

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    rashid…may the lord jesus continue to fill your heart and lips with his words of wisdom!!

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    Trish
    First of all you did the right thing to got yourself in the church which you got some help you need. We all don’t in our life when we married a person but real thing start when we are in actual relation if both partner did not follow the education to apply in our life.
    God promises are still same what was before. We have to follow God principal in every level of our life even in little thing to get fulfilled life. Happiness will not come unless we make God partner in life. I have my life experience and how I got into following god. I do pray for you God will heal you body and live happy life in Jesus name Amen

  • Rashid says:

    Hi

    I pray to God to keep women and men away from the drinking problem so we all can take care for our children and our husband and wife and God help me and every one to build house where we can rest with our family where we can pray every night with our children so they can learn to love You.Bless my children while they are with me or away from me. Amen

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    Chris Landwerlen
    Thank you it is God blessings that Mighty power brought me closer to God loving people it is my happiness to hear from you a God chosen words for me I pray God bless you more. You always pray with kind for me thank you

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    rashid…i am glad we have the same loving christ who keeps us each day!

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    Marriage is share with 100% not fifty fifty it take all the time giving in every level of life but all of that children are on top list that job because God will take care everything as long as children well care.making a peaceful house it is not just duty of wife it duty of man too family pray time and eating dinner together and thanking God for his gift of children and all the pray to God if we are taking our children taking care well.

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    Sam first of all pray will help.and I think it is good idea as long as you don’t have children.

  • Sam says:

    My wife travels 4-6 months a year and leaves me alone. When she is not with me, I am sad, alone and miserable. She likes to spend her time and money on her female friends as a service.
    Is there any hope that something wonderful will happen soon so she stays home longer and travels less? Should I travel with her?

    Thank you.
    Sam

  • Sam says:

    My wife travels 4-6 months a year and leaves me alone. When she is not with men, I am sad, alone and miserable. She likes to spend her time and money on her femaile friends as a service.
    Is there any hope that something wonderful will happen soon so she stays home longer and travels less? Should I travel with her?

    Thank you.
    Sam

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    I have been in same situation like many of you and I feel exactly because I have been in these situation in my marriage only mistake was mine I did not ask God to help me decide if this woman Holy spirit have choose for me. Because of desire to have children so I wanted to marry and even her parents do not wanted us to marry but we did and have two very beautiful children making a story short it is hurt full to to give divorce or give divorce when you have children .my wisdom tell me to tell people to stay in marriage if you have children there is no solution to get rid of your pain by divorcing or staying if you have children because children are the one will hurt and the will lose one parent. I have 50% custody thank to God. I act like father and mother to my children. Mother side she leave them with grand parents and go out. I pray to God I never marry a person like same I will prefer to be single. Much happy and blessing.

  • Marcia says:

    I have been praying for my marriage for over 15 years and for god to give me the ability to change my perspective, etc., etc. I have a great job, awesome kids, but the stress of living with my husband who is an angry person is unbearable. I take blood pressure medicine and am happy with every other aspect of my life. I don’t know how I can keep it up. I feel trapped and he does not have a faith to turn to. When I told him several years ago I could not keep this up he went in the hospital. Now I just want it to all end. My kids are not learning what a Christian marriage should be and I’m concerned about them learning to respect their partners when they are in committed relationships. I feel helpless. I keep working harder and more and he works less. We have a son in college so I can’t just stop working more. I am so confused. I am so sad when I hear of divorce, but I am even more sad that this has been years of dysfunction. He is the only part of my life that is filled with unhappy stress.

  • Rashid says:

    Hi Chris landwerlen thank you your pray I will pray for you Jesus give you plenty of blessing in every levdl b of life

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    rashid….we pray for you that jesus draws to you and joins you with his perfect selection in his time and way amen. blessings!

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    I thought I am only the one had unfairness in my marriage time.
    I am going to say this to all pray does work it did work for me I mean it. Only thing is important you have to let go your all anger change it to smile even in difficult time. You will see the result of God blessing. We have give at least little to get more.
    Marriage suppose to be blessing in every level of life but it turn into unhappiness after few years.why? Because we expect more than reality
    Just follow the law of the Holy God.
    Now can you all pray I marry a nice God fearing woman in this year Please

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Andrea and Michelle, It’s not safe to post your contact information (and I’d have to take it down if you did) but there is another way. You have both expressed an interest in connecting with each other. I can see your email addresses in our commenting system. I will write a separate email to each of you privately, formally asking if you’d like to be connected. If you both write back to me and agree, then I will send you the contact information. If either one of you has changed her mind, just ignore the email. No information will be shared without your express written consent.

  • Li says:

    I had a husband just like this bum of a husband (yes, he’s a bum!) plus mine had a drinking problem on top of it. I did all the old advice given: talk, talk, talk, ignore mess, stop doing stuff… that didn’t work. What worked? I got myself a job, I kicked him out and told him I was divorcing him. I marched to the courthouse and got an immediate order for a legal separation. The judge gave me full custody of the kids because my husband didn’t even know the name of a single doctor or teacher or coach my kids had! During our separation, my husband ‘saw the light’ and made a complete turn around. How long did it take for him to get a clue? FIVE YEARS. That’s right. I went out and had my own life without him for FIVE YEARS. I even dated someone else for a while and I told him so! Every time he wanted to reunite, I said NO! Mind you, we never divorced in all that time. We just stayed legally separated. I had needs and they were going to be fulfilled – by him or by someone else in life. If that’s not Christian, than too bad, I’m going to hell! Finally, he went to rehab, got clean and sober, and tried to wine and dine me. I was receptive but still living my life on my terms. Then I MOVED 2000 MILES ACROSS THE COUNTRY! I told him, I waited around for you 5 years after I supported your career needs and your wishes and your goals for ten years! That’s 15 years! I was a maid in my own house and servant to you. Never again! I’m not waiting a minute longer to live my life the way I want it… Long story, short: He saw the value in me and got a job right where I now live. He moved 2000 miles across the country to be with me. He now cooks breakfast for me and the kids in the morning and often cooks dinner, he takes the kids out so I can have a break, he takes them to their after school activities, he goes to their classes to meet their teachers, he does most of the cleaning and makes the plans for our nights out – WITHOUT the kids (something that NEVER happened before I gave him the boot). I still work part time. Sometimes I still feel angry but I set it aside because that’s not who he is now. That’s who he was in the past and let’s face it. No one’s perfect. I’m sure I was no walk in the park myself in my early 20′s when he and I first met. We’ve now been together almost 20 years. I’ll never leave him now and he’ll never leave me either. It wasn’t easy. It was a nightmare. But it was worth it. I never loved another man the way I love my husband. Sometimes, it just takes a good woman to make a boy into a man. Nerves of steel don’t hurt either.

  • Li says:

    I had a husband just like this bum of a husband (yes, he’s a bum!) plus mine had a drinking problem on top of it. I did all the old advice given: talk, talk, talk, ignore mess, stop doing stuff… that didn’t work. What worked? I got myself a job, I kicked him out and told him I was divorcing him. I marched to the courthouse and got an immediate order for a legal separation. The judge gave me full custody of the kids because my husband didn’t even know the name of a single doctor or teacher or coach my kids had! During our separation, my husband ‘saw the light’ and made a complete turn around. How long did it take for him to get a clue? FIVE YEARS. That’s right. I went out and had my own life without him for FIVE YEARS. I even dated someone else for a while and I told him so! Every time he wanted to reunite, I said NO! Mind you, we never divorced in all that time. We just stayed legally separated. I had needs and they were going to be fulfilled – by him or by someone else in life. If that’s not Christian, than too bad, I’m going to hell! Finally, he went to rehab, got clean and sober, and tried to wine and dine me. I was receptive but still living my life on my terms. Then I MOVED 2000 MILES ACROSS THE COUNTRY! I told him, I waited around for you 5 years after I supported your career needs and your wishes and your goals for ten years! That’s 15 years! I was a maid in my own house and servant to you. Never again! I’m not waiting a minute longer to live my life the way I want it… Long story, short: He saw the value in me and got a job right where I now live. He moved 2000 miles across the country to be with me. He now cooks breakfast for me and the kids in the morning and often cooks dinner, he takes the kids out so I can have a break, he takes them to their after school activities, he goes to their classes to meet their teachers, he does most of the cleaning and makes the plans for our nights out – WITHOUT the kids (something that NEVER happened before I gave him the boot). I still work part time. Sometimes I still feel angry but I set it aside because that’s not who he is now. That’s who he was in the past and let’s face it. No one’s perfect. I’m sure I was no walk in the park myself in my early 20′s when he and I first me. We’ve now been together almost 20 years. I’ll never leave him now and he’ll never leave me either. It wasn’t easy. It was a nightmare. But it was worth it. I never loved another man the way I love my husband. Sometimes, it just takes a good woman to make a boy into a man. Nerves of steel don’t hurt either.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up nay to You at this time in there marriage, that you will heal the broken hear ted and bless them as a family under Your guidance. In Jesus name amen

  • Andrea says:

    Michelle I would like to talk but I don’t know if I feel comfortable publishing my email address or even my fb. I keep things like that pretty private also. Don’t know of any other way.

  • nay says:

    Well sadly I can day it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this. I am 6 months pregnant w my 4th child. I am goin through a high risk pregnancy as I lost my daughter 2 years ago. I have just been put on bed rest – thank God because I’ve clearly been over doin it. But my husband has just started working part time after not working for 8 months. He chose to not work because he wanted to help a friend build his fantasy business no considering he was leaving everything on me. Beyond him refusing to financially support his family his laziness has always been an issue. On top of me having to do absolutely everything – wash dishes, do laundry, scrub the tubs, mop the floors, vacuum, cook, wash my car, take care of my kids, handle my kids sports 6 days a week, kids homework, handle our finances… and be the bread winner. The list goes on and on. Not to mention how completely disrespectful my husband is. Laughs in my face, calls me names in front of my kids and family, leaves us every time he’s upset and many times doesn’t come home until the next day.

    Yep all this being 6 months pregnant. Exhausted is an understatement. I’m totally a single mom. Feel like my husband is less than a roommate. Sad to say but more like someone keeping my couch warm for me. Writing all this is painful to admit because at the end of the day I do love him. But then I ask what there is left to love.

    When our daughter got sick 2 years ago, he almost lost both of us because I too was carrying the same blood infection. Doctors feared the infection was going to spread to my brain.he had to visit his wife and daughter in two separate hospitals and manage our boys. On icu to the next. During this time he was amazing. Everything I had been praying for was present in him. But soon after my daughter past he was right back at it.

    And now here I am with God’s gift and in a marriage alone.

    We went to.marriage counseling and it was very insightful for me but because he was the one to blame it didn’t work for him. All of the counselors basically told me to leave my marriage and recently I was on the verge of doing so but then I found out I was 3 months pregnant.

    So what now…

    I’ve done everything. To the point where I only handle myself and my kids. But.when w have our good moments and I mean moments I revert back to doing for him. And that’s because my heart is bigger than my body..I want to be a good wife an do for him but I’m learning that all that’s doin is setting me back.

    Thanks for all this insight. I am going to try my best. But if nothing changes I only have one option. I am successful in my career so finances aren’t a worry. It’s me and my kids emotional state that worries me.

  • Michelle says:

    Andrea, I seRiously feel Like you are posting about my life! even the hubby having 5 to 7 days off! Please Is TheRe Any Way You’d Be Willing To Share A Facebook Name Or Email And We Can Talk About What Does And Doesn’t Work? Im Hesitant To Share MinE In Case Someone Publicly Sees I’m Having Difficulties With My Marriage. (I Have No Idea Why My Phone Is Capitalizing Every word)

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord i lift up all women to You oh Lord, that you will comfort them in taking care of a house as a family. Lord I pray that you bring the family together by everyone doing there part. I know Lord it is lonely for the woman,but I also believe that is can be lonely for the man in the family too! In Jesus name Amen

  • Erika says:

    I am in a similar situation to most of you and I don’t think I have a clear answer or solution. I have tried all that you say and nothing is changing. I have talked and expressed my feelings blah blah blah until I am now seeming like a nag (which of course makes me the bad guy). I have two children, working and going to school at night. What now?

  • Andrea says:

    I’m so confused by all the people who comment that we should simply stop doing things if we don’t want to do it all. In my opinion that is completely utterly unrealistic. I am a full time working mom with three daughters, two Siberian huskies and a hamster. Sure I would love to stop doing the dishes. Then that could quickly become a health hazard. I would love to stop taking sole care of our dogs. But then they’ll just relieve themselves in the house and the dog hair will accumulate until it becomes unbearable. I could stop doing the lawn work but then we could get a violation for breaking city ordinance with overgrown lawn. I refuse to raise my children in a filthy neglected home so simply “not doing it anymore” is not a viable option.

  • Edith says:

    Kathy,I certainly agree..it is difficult to abstain from doing everything if you like nice things…my inputs are based on my own experiences and what I have learned through the years. I know there isnot one great fix for all relationships…but I also believe anf teach International Conflict Resolution..(it changed my life)…so I believe in mediation…agreement…and monitoring….but both parties must be willing. Our mothers taught us to be homemakers…but that changed when most of us had to go to work. You will have to make choices or the unhappiness will take a health toll. Sorry if I offended you…I didnt mean too.

  • Kathy says:

    Reply to Edith Campbell …

    Dear Edith … In most cases, perhaps your ideas would be of benefit … but just how long to we wives, whose husbands refuse to be responsible and participate as a team member, just how long do we “divide the chores and dont do it.” Just because we carry the load doesn’t always mean we are enabling … I let the outdoor painting go for years in hopes that he would do it or get someone to do it … it got to the point the siding on our shed and back of the house rotted and had to be replaced … it cost our tiny budget too many $$$ … and from that day forward I decided I would no longer live with neglect … I would take care of it myself … and I have for many many years … I live almost like a single woman … managing things by myself … burying myself in hobbies that make me feel good … raising butterflies, gardening and selling crafts online. This is what I do for me. But it is a not very nice way to have to live. Now he is showing early signs of possible early dementia … which is putting even more stress on my shoulders … last week he ran the car into a large cabinet in the garage and destroyed it … I am recovering from a broken foot and couldn’t deal with mess or removing the heavy cabinet … we have one grown unmarried daughter for support … we don’t live in close community so we have no support system … I am tired … and yes, I am not “doing” for the past few weeks … but my home and yard are screaming for attention … our budget doesn’t allow for a gardener or housekeeper … so please, even though you meant well, don’t just assume we are enabling … either I do it or it doesn’t get done!

  • Eric says:

    I agree that it isn’t a woman’s duty to do all the work. Do these recommendations work for men and women? I am in the opposite position where I am doing all the these items, working an excellent job with great pay and flexibility while my wife is out late after work, staying in hotels many nights, travelling for pleasure, when at home not involved with chores, and with the kids at a bare minimum.

  • Edith Campbell says:

    My heart goes out to you my sisters…but the signs were aleays there. We refuse to see them and for some of us..we simply love too much enabling others to do less and less. God is a loving and fair God..and it isnot only the woman’s duty to do all the work, praying and struggling. Decide what you will and won’t do…divide the chores and dont do it. My husband helps at home….but his kind of budget is broke. Its nerve wrecking at times. ..but I can control it…so Im thankful. We own a small restaraunt…where I am finally following my passion…so no complaints…but it took me years and lessons to learn. Get up and get going….its difficult to be depressed if you do something for yourself…and yourself.

  • Andrea says:

    I am in the same situation as well. My husband and I both work full time. But his schedule is such that he has 5-7 days off at a time. I do not. I have the usual 2 day weekend and on Sundays I also clean two offices for extra money. On my husbands days off he goes to the gym, visits with friends, eats at fast food places when he feels like it, spends as much money as he wants without regard to our household budget, goes golfing with his buddies and does absolutely nothing to help around the house. I come home on those days after working in a busy office for 9 hours and am usually greeted with the question “what’s for dinner” while he lounges in his chair playing video games or watching movies. I have tried talking to him, arguing with him, reasoning with him. I have tried to get him to understand how used and taken advantage of I am feeling. Nothing helps. He tells me if he picks up anything that belongs to the children he will simply throw it away because they should know better. Sometimes he claims he will do better and that usually lasts about 5 minutes before he goes back to leaving his dirty clothes on the floor and coffee cups wherever he happens to finish drinking it, etc. I’m so frustrated! I finally simply stopped doing things for him altogether. I haven’t done his laundry or cooked a meal for him in over a week and I hate it! I’m just naturally a homemaker type so living like this, keeping everything separate and only doing for myself and my children bothers me. But I feel that I have no other choice.

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