When You Feel Very Alone in your Marriage
In the Christian wife/Mommy blogosphere, a lot of patterns are evident. Many of us who write give very similar advice. Rely on God. Focus on being the best wife you can be, not on changing your husband. Care for your marriage & kids first. Create a nice home. These things are all true, and I hope that people can come here for some encouragement in doing the most important job in the world!
I think most of you who do come here come to get help around the edges. In general, things are going well, but they could always use some tweaking! Most of my posts, I think, are written with these types of readers in mind. You have a family you’re committed to, and you’re trying to work the kinks out. You love your husband, even if he does have faults (which you can obviously name).
Sometimes, though, people live in a much more desperate situation. I was talking to a friend who finally ended a very dysfunctional marriage last year. She said that sometimes she would read my blog and feel so sad, because it didn’t matter how much she did what I said, nothing every changed. The typical answers and typical advice weren’t cutting it.
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Married, but alone
A lot of women out there feel very alone in their marriages, and if you’re in a marriage where you have found your soul mate, try to put yourself in these women’s shoes for a moment. Here’s a comment that was left yesterday:
I still can’t get myself to accept things. My husband does not have a physically demanding job. The past 4-5 months especially have been easy. He is admittedly not doing anything at work.
I cook, I clean. I care for the kids when they’re sick, no matter what time of day or if he’s off work. I run our special needs child to his three-days-a-week appointments. One of those days my other son has an appointment at the same place so of course he goes as well. Sick or not, I take care of the kids. I had the flu two years ago and the first day I was sick he dealt with the kids, but after that? He was pissed that I was still laying around and not doing anything so he got to slamming our bedroom door when he’d go out, not shushing the kids if/when they got loud, etc. That’s one of many times where he’s been less than considerate.
Of course if he has a headache and stuffy nose he’s swearing he has a migraine and he take several different types of medication and sleeps for 10-11 hours straight, yelling if the kids are getting loud.
We’re supposed to move and our house is nowhere near ready to put on the market. It should have been on by now but while he had 3 months to lay the new flooring in our house, he didn’t finish. One room still needs to be done. I, on the other hand, have all of the daily issues on top of painting every room in the house, getting the outside painted, repainting our kitchen cabinets, painting the cabinets in the hall and bathrooms, redoing the tile in our hall bath, rebuilding our master bath shower that he gutted two years ago and never finished, tiling both bathroom floors, de-cluttering and organizing so that the movers know what is storage and what goes.. I don’t have the money to hire those jobs out so I have to do it.
He occasionally mows the yard, and when our kids start a sport he’s gung-ho in the beginning but by the second week in he’s sighing and rolling his eyes when I ask if he’s taking one of our boys to practice. Inevitably they’ll have at least one practice or game per week that coincides with the other’s practice or game, and I count myself fortunate if they’re in the same park or building. Many times they aren’t and because he’s oh-so-worn out and has computer games to play, I’m running like a headless chicken. Throw in an active toddler and I’m busy, worn out, worn down, and just plain beat.
Yes, I’m bitter and resentful, not to mention completely jealous of women who have husbands who help out even when the husband has a busy work schedule.
Don’t suggest I have a talk with him because I have. Many, many times. And many times he’s sworn he’ll change and help out. The only reason I’m still with him is because when I left him a few years ago I couldn’t get a job anywhere and began having anxiety attacks. Not to mention lack of support from family and being made to feel like we’d worn out our welcome and I needed to quit being a child and just go back to my husband. So here I sit.
I can feel this woman’s pain. Can you? Honestly, what would you do if you were married to a man who did not care for your kids, played computer games all day, and didn’t lift a finger to help you? Now, admittedly, we’re only getting this woman’s side of the story, but I have talked to women who are living something very similar. It happens. Very frequently.
So what would you say to her? I’m going to take a stab at it now, but I invite you to answer in the comments, too. Perhaps we’ll have different approaches to it, but hopefully we can offer something that would be helpful.
First, let me say that To Love, Honor and Vacuum was written exactly for women going through this. In fact, I based the book on two women I was close to who were experiencing virtually exactly the same thing. So I know from whence I speak.
And let me tell you what I told them. You cannot change him; you can only change yourself. But you have a lot of power within you to change. God is there to help you create a godly home, where everyone respects each other and grows closer to Him. That is what He wants. Your job is to ask God to show you how to build respect and godliness within your home.
Part of that job may be to stop enabling others to act in an unChristlike manner. It sounds like you do all the housework, and he does very little. That means that you do a lot for him. You don’t have to keep doing this. You could sit down and tell him that you are exhausted, and some things are going to have to come off of your plate. Offer him alternatives. But show him that some of these things will directly affect him. (Laundry, for instance, or making the kinds of meals he likes. If you can live on sandwiches & cereal, it’s a lot easier to make, and it’s still nutritious!). Then take some of that time that you save and use it to do your devotions, to have a bath, to knit, to relax, to do what you need to do to rejuvenate. Don’t do it to punish him; do it to create a new dynamic so that you can keep going.
If you’re busy running the children everywhere, and he won’t help, ask him what it would take for him to start driving a child to soccer. Ask him if this is possible. Don’t ask him when you’re angry; ask him because you simply want help. If he can’t give it, you’re no worse off than you are now. But ask him what is keeping him from doing it? Is he not getting enough sleep?
Or take it from a different perspective. Ask him what are the most important goals he has in life. Share with him yours. Write them on your fridge. Now ask how he’s meeting them. If he wants to be a good father, then ask him how you can help him engage with the kids during the week. Does he want to take soccer? Bath time? Bedtime? If he doesn’t, and he’d just like to play computer games, then ask him how he’d like the kids to think of him. Does he want them to remember him always being on the computer, or does he want them to remember him cheering them at games?
But if he just won’t, you have a decision to make. Can you keep living like this? If you were a single parent, you could not do it all. You could not run a house and keep the kids in all kinds of activities and hold down a job. You couldn’t. You would get help, or you would cut things out.
So if your husband won’t help, you basically are acting as a single parent. What will you cut out? Even if your husband has abdicated responsibility for the family, you can’t. And you can’t abdicate your responsibility to your marriage, either. I would suggest getting the kids out of activities as much as possible and making your schedule as easy as possible, so that you don’t burn out and you can keep going.
Finally, make family fun. Cut down as much as you can so you can get enough rest and sleep. And then use that energy to make your home fun. Play games. Go for walks. Laugh a lot. When family is fun, he’s more likely to want to be involved. When it’s all chores, he won’t. And the more unhappy you are, and the more you nag him, the more he will retreat.
Some people are just plain selfish. He very well could be one of these. Your job is to find peace and fulfillment in God, and then find ways to transfer that peace and fulfillment to the rest of those in your family. Don’t always resent. Don’t let yourself get bitter. Change your family life so that you do have more energy and things do get done.
Oh, and about the house: stop it. Don’t move. Stay there. Don’t put it on the market. So you lose money. I know that’s tough. But if you are always stepping in and doing everything, he never will step up to the plate. Talk about what’s reasonable for both of you to do, and then you do your part. If he doesn’t do his, then you can’t sell the house. Don’t nag him about it. Simply do your part. Whether or not he does his is up to him. And if he starts to suffer financially for it, then maybe that will inspire a burst of energy. Right now, he’s probably waiting for you to come through, like you always have in the past. Don’t enable irresponsibility.
One other thing about how to act biblically in marriage: there are two sides to the Proverbs 31 woman. First, yes, she did a ton and cared for her family well. But second, she had help, as someone pointed out in the comments yesterday. She had servant girls, but she also had a husband who was engaged in the family business, too. He was in the public square, transacting business, where he praised her. Yes, we’re to be the Proverbs 31 woman, but it’s difficult to do all of this without at least some help. If you don’t have that help, I think you need to readjust what’s expected of you so you don’t burn out.
God designed marriage to be a genuine partnership. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s very lopsided. Now if your spouse isn’t much of a partner, that doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility to live up to your partnership. We’re to care for our homes and our kids and our husbands regardless. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy, and it doesn’t mean that we should do everything for those who persist in laziness, enabling very un Christ like behavior.
So that’s what I’ve got to say. What about the rest of you? Any thoughts on how to help her? Am I being too easy? Too harsh? What do you think?
This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.
I am from India, and belong to very consrvative traditional family, living is not accepted.
I am too tired with my marriage also, from 2 and half year I am dealing wid this, In laws are too cheap they have taken 12,00,000 on my marriage though I am an MBA and working, my parents thought I will have a very bright future, and spent so much on my marriage, later I got to know that they have major financial crisis, everything they have house is also under bank, my husband is earning, but sends them(inlaws) regular money, they have a younger son, they are very biased, from the 1st day my mom inlaw was very rude to me she did not do my pooja no welcoming ceremony, no first knight arrangements, though i have dreamed like other girls for all these things, from 2nd months itself they started sharing their colour, my devar who used to live with me, used to bring his girl frind(who was my husbands ex gf) home, this was happening from ages, before my marriage she used to live with these two, and my inlaws were aware about it,this continued when me and my hubby were at work , and my hubby never allowed me to lock my door, couple were coming to my room using my bed, and bathroom, when I used to come home I used to see my night wear messy and bathroom uncleaned then I realised, and my made said it does not look good they lock your room. I complained to my husband but he surpressed me, saying his bro will feel bad, later his bro left the house and shifted with his gf., but at home all blame game was on me. later my inlaws started torturing that I have broken up brothers bonding, and started telling me wat i do how i keep home, what i call my husband call my family and torture them also……whenvr I tried to say something my husband never allowed, it is become even worst now, my devar(I dont consider) got married to the same gal, who used to be my husband gal friend at 1 point in time, I never wanted to attaind the amrriage but my husband forced me to do that, I was insulted at every occasion, my parents were not invited, my mother inlaw did all the rituals with the gal which I missed, resort was booked, her parents arraged the whole wedding for 2 lakhs it was sick, &I remember how my parents were forced to give 1200,000 cash, my inlaws have not given my jewellery to me as yet, whenver there is a family function my inlaws dont call me and my husband goes alone there, he always supports them and never undestand me, it brings alot of insecurity to me that his ex is also in the same family and that my husband can oppose me but never takes any point against his parents neither the new gal,very torturing it is…..wat should I do, I come from a traditional family if I want to live seprate my parents will never allow me, nor I can live with them as ……they have their own challenges, my bro is mistreating them in their 60′s ,dont know wat do to?
Simara,
I know much about different faith and culture and I know divorce isnot usual
in your culture. What is your mother and father saying about it? You dont mention if your christian…but for your own strength..you must know scripture to recite. You must ask yourself which is first tradition or the word of God? Then you must walk in the light…..no one can make you leave but you. Your husband must know how you feel. You dont mention if you have children..all of this are things to consider….but abuse mental or physical is unacceptable.
Dear Father God,
Lord i lift up all who read this blog, that they will call upon You as there saviour and that You will help any who think of divorce in there lives and that they will call upon You and that you will restore the marriage that was acceptd by You under Your grace. In Jesus Mightyname amen
I have been struggling with this very issue a lot lately, and this blog…or article…or whatever…is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. God bless
@Simara: Are you currently working? If not, try to find work and make a life of your own……It really looks like the family is ill- treating you….You should not stay and take abuse….make a life for yourself and leave this abusive family
Jane….I am so glad you wrote what you wrote. I read and written alot on this blog because I struggled with a marriage that wasn’t a marriage. But I draw the line at abuse…people want to tell you what the scripture says for a woman, but if you married a godly person both of you would be working at it. Dont fool yourself NO ONE has to reapect you when you depend in them totally. It was always God and you……teach and demonstrate this to your children or teach them to either accept or be abused. The death of a marriage isnt always physical….it can be mental. If you feel alone…you probably were before you were ready to accept it. But where in the scripture does it say the woman is responsible for everything….ecouragement..while the man does nothing. Go ahead and when youre 85, you can say you kept you non marriage together. Will these years be restored? Try by all means..prayer..counseling…and then adjust..adapt..and move on…..Women….do not be dependent …be a partner….
But what do you do if your husband will not talk with you, states he has no goals, and has told you that you should only live day to day while forgetting the past behaviors???
Dear Dea: Maybe he does not know how to handle the situatian that you are in. Maybe you need to ask God to show you how to handle the situation. Pray for better communication between the 2 of you. Let someone pray with you about this problem. The word of God says where two agrees in prayer there He is. Put a love letter in his lunchbox every day. Tell him how you feel. Flirt with him. Spend time alone with one another. If he dont want to,make a plan. God had made us as women very special, especially in making plans. If he dont want to talk,you have to find other ways and methods how to ‘spice’ things up. How did you meet? You must get into his mind, remind him that you love him. The devil wants us to be unhappy and bitter all the time my dear. Let your husband notice you more. Let him also see what he will miss, oneday. Spice up your marriage, we as woman always have to take the lead in the marriage, whether we want to or not. We have lots of competition out there (men and women in the world). Our marriages are in competition with the world out there. God will lead you and advice you at all times. God Bless.
From the story of Simara, I do not think you are a christian (forgive me if am wrong), but a lady from India, rooted to your culture and tradition. You appear loyal to that, and dare not break the ‘rules’. I need to invite you to the love of Christ and introduce you to salvation. When we advice you to pray and read the word of God, you may do it the way you know how and not according to the way of salvation through Jesus Christ. I suggest that if you know of any christian friend that can walk with you spiritually, you will understand more about the Bible, which is the true word of God. Simara, I know that you are learned and educated and equally obedient to all those around you who apparently do not recognize, appreciate or value you. Since you are a career lady, I wish you would be in full time employment and try and keep off anybody who distracts you by dragging you in situations that depress you.
I suggest you compose yourself, pray and approach your husband out of love and express your concerns and fears with respect for him and his relatives. Let him understand your situation and how you sincerely feel. Reason with him but maintain your cool as a wife and do not approach him while very angry and bitter, but have self control as you do so. It may not work expeditiously but it will be a step in the right direction and even if he may not agree with you, the Holy Spirit will speak to him even as you continue to pray for your husband.
An abusive marriage is the last place any woman would wish to be. As it is, when you are advised to stay apart, it does not mean that you are advised to abandon your marriage but this can give you more time to pray, focus, think over and correct your own mistakes and also give you time to heal as you think of the next step, even if it is for a short time.
Apparently we all come from different cultures and backgrounds and we may not fully understand one another but our culture in the LORD Jesus Christ is supreme to any other culture. I understand that you are hurting and feel alone but with true Christian friends and God besides you, you will overcome. Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a … For his anger endures but for a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Zip your lips and PRAY. Ephesians 6:12 For we are not fighting against flesh and blood (humans), but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens!!!!
NEVER FORGET THIS!!!! If you do not know who your enemy is, how can you fight him?
You can go to http://www.rejoiceministries.org and learn how to biblically stand for your marriage. You will learn how to pray for your spouse, your children and yourself.
If you do not have a relationship with your Heavenly Father and you would like to know more about this, you can visit the ‘Jesus Is The Answer’ link ( looks like a yellow sticky note on the right of the page). This is the first step and the most important.
Christianity tends to put more pressure on a woman to make things work than a man, but if you truly feel that you have done all toucan and you still are not seeing results. Leave. It is not your responsibility to do everything, and if he makes everything your responsibility you can in fact do it alone. Get a job, and go.
Hi Lynn, what is it about Christianity that puts more pressure on women to have a healthy marriage? Is there Bible verses that instigate that pressure or does it come from the organization of the Church?
I was searching the internet for inspiration and encouragement when I came across this page, and read this woman’s story. It’s nice that you are trying to help her to find a way to fix her marriage, but honestly it seems to me that your advice just makes it to where she is going to go from 90 percent effort on her part to 99.9. A lot of the things she says seem to me like a glimpse into my future as she has obviously been married longer than I have. Though I am not religious anymore I used to be Baptist and everything I remember on the subject is that a marriage is supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP, so this bs about the Bible telling this poor woman that it’s up to her to do more to try to make things work with her husband is a load of crock. And why is it the Bible says that a woman has the right to leave her husband if he steps out on the marriage or is abusive towards her but all you Bible thumpers don’t take emotional and mental abuse into consideration. Considering the current condition of my marriage I have no advice to give to this woman except for this, don’t listen to what these people are telling you. Do yourself a favor and try to find someone else to ask like perhaps a professional who values marriage and equality, because if you take their advice you may as well get in a time machine and go back to 1913
Shell….I salute you! Where does it say women have all the responsibility and men have none? Im glad you daid it Shell!!!!!
Dear Esther and Edithe,
Thanks for your comments.Also you are right I am not christian.
I do not have kids as yet, my mum keeps explaining me that I should adjust with the circumstances, things will be fine when you have baby, I worry since I feel like running away and do not want kid to suffer in such circumstances.
My father has never been bothered about our lives, currently I am not working and not getting the right job too, his family is behind my life, chasing me all the time, when will you start working, when do you have interviews etc..
I really do not want to talk to them but I am forced to do thaat because of my husband, and if I say no then we have fight, he claims that when I am good to your family why cant you speak with them, each time I call them they use sarcasting languages, make me cry, and if I reply that is taken as insult and interpreted to my husband very negatively.
At last me and my husband end up fighting very badly because I have alot of frustration
*his ex gal frnd
*his parents bad behaviour
* My parents insult that they do
*my job
*his dont care attitude
He tries to cover up for that gal and says we never had relation but I know its not true.
My mums hard (real hard) earned money is put in to the marriage that also stops me from running away.
From my childhood I have seen my mum teaching in school, for little money 100-200 bucks going to small kids house for private tutions, my father used to just give little 5000 bucks and she has raised three children all by her own.
Now my dad and mum are retired and are in their 60′s, they them selves have so much to do I cant depend on them, other family wants to spell the beans and make fun of it, I can not openly share out everything.
With this my enemployment adds on and I feel frustrated, every now and then we fight like cats and dog.I have shown my horoscope to some prist(I am not a christian), to know if there can be any solution, every 1 says its your inlaws who are doing blackmagic on me,I am very abusive when I fight I have not even heard those slangs which I use,I feel frustrated, I have told my husband about the black magic thing but, he does not belive instead puts me down make fun of it. I have thought of ending my life several times, I have cut my wrist recently, 4 times I tried nothing happend, my life is meaningless,not even a single individual I have who can help me take out from the situation. I am fed with the fight and trauma that happens every now and then.
Simara,
First of all I’m sorry you’re going through this and I pray for you during this difficult time in your life. Second I urge you to accept Christ into your life! It’s very crucial. Third, keep being who you are , ask God for strength, it’s going to be hard but things won’t change (generational and culture curses) won’t change on your own. Right now you need wisdom, love, and strength.
Pray this tonight:
Lord, in my marriage,
I cannot do what I ought to do;
I cannot do what I want to do;
I cannot do what I used to do;
I cannot do what other people do;
I cannot do what You call me to do;
and over this weakness I mourn.
Lord, I long to live for You in my marriage, yet I cannot do it.
Unless You help me I can do nothing right. There will be…
… no love in my actions,
… no patience in my words,
… no tenderness in my feelings,
… no good in my desires toward my spouse unless You continue to fill me with Your own holy energy.
Lord, help me!
Help me keep my promises and have staying power.
Help me go against the flow and seek holiness more than happiness.
Help me fight the world, flesh, and devil – enemies out to destroy my marriage.
Help me deny myself so that I can love my spouse even when I am not loved in return.
Help me to have a testimony to honor You as I draw on Your strength in my difficult marriage.
Lord, I cling to You for when I am weak, then I am strong.
Change my marriage for Your glory, Lord, first by changing me and then by changing my spouse. May we be a picture of Christ and His church to a watching world.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Profess Jesus as your savior. Romans 10:13, “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Say, “Father in Heaven, I believe that Jesus died for my sins.” And God will impart eternal life to your spirit.
I surely hope you take heed. Our God is a loving God! You don’t have to do anything to receive his love!! Isn’t that awesome?
Wisdom will come too, to all you speak of in your posts, and don’t think about killing yourself at all, that’s a sin! You’re here for a reason! You’re Gods beautiful child! If you have things within your culture that you know aren’t right pray on it! God will make a way. Find a holy bible and read it everyday. Praise God.
Start doing YOU!! Stop messing with your husband, he needs to work on himself. This is your journey now. It’ll happen, things will change buy only if you believe!
Again I end this plee with a most sincere prayer over you.
Rachel
Advice for how to stay in peace with my husband. He is always busy and does not take thinks serious.
Also, he does not like going to church but party which always keep him late before coming home. I and the children are not happy with this attitude
Dear Anita
The only answer here, is Jesus Christ and Prayer. If you know how to pray, you can move your mountain with the help of Jesus Christ. At the feet of Jesus we found our answers. A lot of kneeling,keep you standing. I will pray for you:
Great and wonderful God, i bring before you Anita, her husband and her children. Your word says that prayer can do what God can do,and i ask you right now in the Name of Jesus, the name whos above all other names to save Anitas husbands soul, in Jesus name. All plans and thoughts that the devil has for this family,i render useless, in Jesus name. I pray that you will speak to him Holy Spirit according his duties as a father and husband in his house. Fill him with your love, peace and joy in Jesus Name. I plee a bloodline around their marriage. I break sins power over her husbands live in Jesus name.I pray a spirit of understanding between them, love, one accordence and peace in their household. In Jesus name. Be blessed.
Simara
You cannot do anything about this one your own. I would find a church and start attending. Now, churches contain people and people sin. Try to avoid gossip and politics. Instead focus on the word. Prayer to jesus will be given to god and god can make things right in your family…..if you truly want change pray to Jesus.
I have married for 5yrs n with 3 kids the last kid just 2wks. My husband i never knew had anger issues though we did argue time to time but after our 2nd child which i have to resign from work n take care of the kids. We started together from scratch though i had a lot of stuff already but never cared so to stop working i wasnt happy but i had to help him as he was one of those guys who never took anything serious and he had just applied for promotion on my advice, he got it n again i wasnt working but all time looking thru jobs n if i see anything interestin for him i convence him to apply n now he is with a big company. Off all this he takes me for granted, doesnt appreciate n if i talk to him about it he doesnt go off upset saying i dnt appreciate him of all he’s doing. Talk angryly,insults, etc. I am not a person who spends or go out. So i dnt even ask him for money its been 2 years now i stopped working and all time am being blamed for his anger, blame for anything that goes wrong even gets blamed for asking him to take paternity leave early cos i’ve giving birth. He wants to take it when he feels right.He doesn’t help me in or outside the house am still doing all 3 kids even after just 2wks of birth. I ask for help hey am doing too much am tired i go to work u sit at home n still expt me to do things. Is like anything i say or do triggers somethings in him to get angry.But now i have decided to do wat i xan, not to respond to his anger, not to tolerate his behaviour anymore.He can talk,insults n even make me feel so useless staying at home n not contributing money wise. His anger is unbelievable if one see him so i can’t even discuss it with my church Reverend cos though he’s all he think he is now but can’t bring myself telling anyone so they see him differently from what they do now. Now my problem is doesnt even see what he is doing. The all of a sudden anger for for any small matter. I am still there but no more. Prayer is the key. No more arguing. Am tired
I have married for 5yrs n with 3 kids the last kid just 2wks. My husband i never knew had anger issues though we did argue time to time but after our 2nd child which i have to resign from work n take care of the kids. We started together from scratch though i had a lot of stuff already but never cared so to stop working i wasnt happy but i had to help him as he was one of those guys who never took anything serious and he had just applied for promotion on my advice, he got it n again i wasnt working but all time looking thru jobs n if i see anything interestin for him i convence him to apply n now he is with a big company. Off all this he takes me for granted, doesnt appreciate n if i talk to him about it he doesnt go off upset saying i dnt appreciate him of all he’s doing. Talk angryly,insults, etc. I am not a person who spends or go out. So i dnt even ask him for money its been 2 years now i stopped working and all time am being blamed for his anger, blame for anything that goes wrong even gets blamed for asking him to take paternity leave early cos i’ve giving birth. He wants to take it when he feels right.He doesn’t help me in or outside the house am still doing all 3 kids even after just 2wks of birth. I ask for help hey am doing too much am tired i go to work u sit at home n still expt me to do things. Is like anything i say or do triggers somethings in him to get angry.But now i have decided to do wat i xan, not to respond to his anger, not to tolerate his behaviour anymore.He can talk,insults n even make me feel so useless staying at home n not contributing money wise. His anger is unbelievable if one see him so i can’t even discuss it with my church Reverend cos though he’s all he think he is now but can’t bring myself telling anyone so they see him differently from what they do now. Now my problem is doesnt even see what he is doing. The all of a sudden anger for for any small matter.
Hi Myposhe, a lot of men can get overwhelmed by stress when there are significant life changes in their job and family. Often that stress impacts the overall joy in life and their ability to control their anger. Women are not at all immune to that same stress and that can impact their perspective on the people around them. It sounds like you and your husband need to take some time to evaluate what is happening in your lives and how it is impacting your relationship and your levels of stress. Don’t let your perception or your husband’s anger to build walls between you. This is a problem that you need to tackle together as a team not as enemies.
I think you are mistaken by not talking to your church Reverend about this. When you are experiencing marriage problems don’t let your pride keep you from reaching out to people who can help you make the necessary changes. Your Reverend can help you talk through the problems you are facing to discover the source of the stress and explore ways of dealing with that in a healthier way. He can also be praying with you asking God to heal the hurts that have crept into your marriage. The sooner you can ask others for help the better chance you have healing those hurts before there are too many issues to deal with and too many hurtful things said and done.
Heavenly Father, I pray for Myposhe and her husband. Help them to communicate more effectively and share with one another the hurt and stress that they are feeling with all the changes they have been going through. Point them to the things that You want them to do differently to live out Your plan for their marriage. Give them the courage to ask for help from their Church Reverend and humbly be ready to try the things he suggests for them. Guard their children from the hurt of seeing parents fighting and angry. Bring peace, joy and love back to their home. Amen.
I searched for a topic on overwhelming pain inside Christian Marriages and found this article. I can so identify with what this woman is saying, … living totally alone, raising 4 kids alone, although my husband would never play video games.. but he does work non-stop. In my case my husband reminds the 4 kids – ages 19-4, and me – constantly – that he is worth a dollar a minute (I guess that’s what he’s paid at work) and if we talk to him, and it takes a minute, he reminds us that he lost that much money listening to us. Zero interaction…. I have asked him for time for us – he and I – to talk. He says at most he has 15 min. a day between the 4 kids and I, and that it needs to be light topics as he can’t use up his band-width, as he’s using his brain on inventing (he’s an R&D Engineer).
He is nice to me when he needs sex, and once he get it, and I am starting to trust him, he starts behaviors to build a wall and push me away. He won’t go to counseling, won’t spend time with God – that all costs too… as it’s time away from work. Needless to say I feel raped when we intimate. I have terrible PTSD symptoms… the adrenalin that feels like needles pouring through my arms and hands, into my chest. He now tells me he believes masturbation is fine, so now I also feel I’m married to a pervert. I hurt so much inside.
I can’t tell you how many years I’ve prayed in MOPS groups, prayed scripture over my family, prayed the power of praying wife, a praying mom, etc… I feel hopeless, as he moves toward me and is sorry after he acts like that.. and as soon as he gets his sex fix, he’s back at abusive again.
I know many of you on this blog would picture us as a couple with a horrible history, but we were both virgins when we married, Christians all our lives, no history of drugs, alcohol, etc… but both have a history of sever abuse. So after I go to counseling and pray and take a risk and trust him again, over and over and over, and just dread putting our kids through a separation, what to do. Please, say something if you have something to say. I need wisdom from Jesus.
Lisa
The first thing that I would ask is, how is your relationship with the Lord? The reason I ask is because your going to need a real close walk with the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom as well as strength to deal with a lazy husband and not get bitter. Pray that he will repent and surrender to the Lord and start behaving like a husband and father. God bless you and keep you. Remember, continue to do good because God will reward you. May God’s love keep you.
Hi Lisa, my heart just breaks to hear your story. It can be so easy for men to get caught up in the drive to provide for their family and lose the awareness of the importance of providing love for their wife and children. Most people who have destructive habits like your husband are unable to see the need for change until everything falls apart. That is a terrible thing to put you and your children through.
As you pray and look to God for help, what do you feel like He is saying to you?
Gloria and Jamie,
Thank you for your responses.
To Gloria, I would say my relationship with the Lord is getting better. I have been keeping a tiny journal where I write down the beautiful bits of life… even in the horrid. I am an ER social worker, so even after a horrific case I write down some tiny bit that I might see the richness in the human experience, the texture of life that makes me know I’m alive, etc… I have started listening to praise music especially when things look hopeless, especially the days it looks like I need to move out and take the kids with… I just listen to praise music and lift up and hands and sing to Jesus. On those days Ted’s heart sometimes comes around and he’s sorry and starts acting human … like a glimpse of being a human for the first time in months – type – change.
Jamie,
I think God has been telling me small things that I have been tucking away in my heart. I was at work a few days ago and was asked to go to the CATH Lab to be with a beautiful elderly English lady whose husband of 51 years was terribly ill, had arrested, and was not expected to make it. As hours passed in close confines with this woman, and she talked away about her life, her pain, she being very open about the big picture of what she had endured over the years. She told me that they had met about the same as Ted and I met, married, had three children, lost their youngest at age 17 to suicide, two years later her husband had an affair with a friend of theirs… and here 51 years later “He’s my best friend” She said “I was too coward to leave”. But she said after time he was sorry and now ‘he wakes me up at three in the morning to ask me trivia questions’ her eyes brimmed with tears twinkle as she tells me their fun secret. As she spoke, it hurt to know Ted would never be sorry for what he had done, and continues to tell me when we have a good day he’s just the same as he’s always been. But maybe someday he will be, I don’t know.
The other day I told Ted that when we first fell in love, he was a kid (19) insecure, not sure of his future, and somewhat awkward. Then I told him that in some ways I feel like because of our love and my encouragement to him, and God’s blessing, and wisdom he achieved through having to do a year of undesirable work, that he had decided to rough it out through his bachelors and masters – even though he struggled terribly through school, many hours with me sitting beside him having him read out loud to me so he could focus on what he was doing, re-doing classes when he failed them, etc.. and had fought through to become what he is amazing at… a research and development engineer – where day after day he is told how amazing he is, and where narcissistic traits have developed because of the constant pedestal he is put on, and because of the feeling of inadequacy he had to start with, and how it’s affected him. And explained that those circumstances are the perfect petre dish for becoming entitled and abusive at home. He listened and told me there was a king in Israel that that very thing had happened to – he said he thinks it was the son of the boy king Joash, anyway… That king was humble and good, and then he was blessed and became thought of as brilliant as he built up the army and military equipment and had no one invade his country for years.. but ended up a mess and dying early because of his arrogance. Ted brought up that this king was not even defying God during this… but just so full of himself that he did damage to himself and his family and country. As Ted said “A form of Godliness”.
Yesterday I got a once in maybe a 5 year opportunity. After hiking way out in the country with my family, was encouraged to take on a ridge and meet the family at the car as I’ve been dying to get to the top of an open mountain forever and hike the ridge and down again. I was about an hour and a half alone – maybe two.
Two things God taught me up there. That the flowers are much brighter at the top of a mountain… as is life… that things that are just a fight to get to, they offer a color and texture that can’t be seen where life is all paved out and easy. Also up top there are very few distractions… just the flowers, only the sounds of maybe a bird or two… can hear nothing else – not even the cars… can’t even see the roads below.
The other thing God taught me up there, as I was trying to make my way down a very difficult decent is that there are a lot of opinions on how to descend a mountain… however the ones to take advise from are the survivors of mountain descent… the mountain goats and deer. I eventually found one of their trails and found my way down without having to crawl across slides while hanging on to sage, and refusing to look below and refusing to give into my fear.
So many books have been written about marriage. However very few like the beautiful elderly English Lady have survived really hard things and found deep friendship after all.
So I’m pushing myself up this mountain called a lonely marriage, I’m fighting my fearful thoughts and focusing on the next step in front of me. I’m noticing the bright colored flowers around me. I’m listening to actual survivors of the mountain. And I’m finding pockets of solitude in which to gain strength from the Lord.
Thank you for asking.
Sincerely,
Lisa
Why should we advocate for husbands that refuse to help with kids that they obviously took part in creating?? Does anyone really believe that God would want that? This person is doing her best to provide for her children and take them to appointments and tend to them as they need and even when she is sick he feels put out??!!! I believe that the marriage vows alone state “in sickness and in health” hello??? Why should a women be so cautious and careful what NOT to say to anger her husband more gene he is just continually adding to her frustrations?? I believe that marriage is a two way street! If one partner is giving 100percent then shouldn’t the other be ATLEAST trying to do so? How is this fair to her and her life? I am a nurse and work full time, my husband works full time as well and I can tell you without mutual agreements and cooperation it would never work for me personally! I feel that life is short and everyone deserves to be happy! I also believe that God want us to be happy….therefore no matter what others may say about separation or divorce, it is ultimately up to the one going through all if this [expletive removed] to make that decision for themselves. I will never tell a women to just “stick it out” especially if nothing ever changes!!! Of course anything in life that is worth something takes an amount of work….yet when someone is emotionally drained and nothing positive ever comes from conversations related to issue, then I would say trust your instincts!! Do not allow someone to make you feel that you are always the cause of everything….good Lord people….the difference between a man and a women should not be so involved that it allows a man to treat his wife like [expletive removed]!
The problem is, life generally speaking is not fair. Many women are not married to men who view them as equals. Many women have not had an equal rights upbringing and many women will not leave their husbands. That is why any christian woman will tell you to pray. That christian woman is not putting her head in the sand by praying, she actually has a belief in Christ and his power to not only part the sea but create change in a hopeless marriage. Many of these women are also isolated and are perhaps just looking to vent rather than to actively participat in the prayer needed to change their marriage. These are frustrating and difficult topics. If you want change in your marriage and are not a christian but do not want to leave your husband, I see only two choices. The first choice is continue to vent to whom ever wil lister or learn to pray. If you don’t know what to pray, ask The Lord for the words of prayer that are needed daily to change your marriage. Sheila
I just want to say that some of us have marriages where there are deficits beyond anyone’s control. In our marriage, my husband has Aspergers. It runs in his family and that’s what he was blessed with. I have ADHD. It runs in my family. It’s my blessing for life. An Aspergers man more than anything needs routine and order. As a person who struggles with ADHD more than anything in life is the struggle to create order and routine. So as you can see, some things are not as easy as just doing our part. Then we have 4 kids each with a special need of their own. So we pray and we plod on.
Dear fellow ladies. Last night God showed me my own life and what ive been going through in the past. The Holy Spirit said its time for me to share my whole testimony with you. God wants to heal and safe someones life out there today. Be blessed.Going through an abusive marriage, sitting with a husband who had an affair, drinking heavily, etc. I was abuse phisically, financially, sexually, and more. While he was having this affair he would come home drunk and now he want to be with me. Most of the time he raped me. I also looked a few times in a guns face pointed to me. My child( a boy) that time 4 years saw all these things happening to me. Imagine the trauma that boy went through on this young age. One day he(ex husband) wanted to hit me again, but all of a sudden a fighting spirit in me came forth, and i started to hit him back. He was quiet shocked seeing me fighting back for the first time. No more mrs nice girl. By the way, that time i was also a christian. Every weekend the police have to come and see if i was okay. There was no peace in that house of mine any more. I found out later, when im working nightshift at a security company, she(the lover) came to sleep for the night in my house, then left before i would be coming home. Now you would asked, where was our loving God that time when i needed him. He was there all the time. While i was praying, crying, being unhappy, God was there. Yes my God carry me through that heavy storm and turbulant times. I did not one time curse God about my problems or circumstances. My ex husband would also locked me out of the house, while i was at Prayer meetings at church. I also did not want to make a choice to leave him at that time. Like you i was thinking about my nice house, the money, etc. I was not thinking about what damage it was doing to my child, my health, etc. It went on for a year, thinking that he would change, come to his senses. At the other hand that other lady(his lover) was doing everthing in her power to get him for herself. I then decided to divorce him. I was messed up, full of stress and so on. I decided to put an end to my unhappy marriage. I made a Choice. I did not let anybody else tell me what to do, i did what was right for me and my child. After 3 years i met this lovely man, now my husband. We are married now for 18 years, praise the Lord. At first i could not even tell him i love him. I was so afraid to be hurt again. It took me almost 2 years before i could say ‘I love you my husband’. My eldest boy turned out a good boy, whos now a father himself. Prayer i tell you can do what God alone can do. I learned why Things happened to me for a reason. My mother always said to us, ‘ your babies father is not always your husband and that the mother of your children is not always your wife. God will never take you through a test without a Testimony. Get out of your abusive relationships and marriages. Dont hold unto stuff or someone that can cause a lot of damage and even your death. Is it worth it, or fair to your children.Stop moaning or groaning about your problems, serve God, trust him, and let Him use you to the Glory of God. If you decide to stay in what ever kind of problematic marriage, you must be prepared to wait on God to change your circumstances. If you are not a strong christian to withstand all the enemies attacks? Are you prepared to hold unto your one and only helper namely Jesus Christ ? The question to you is, ‘Are you prepared to wait, doesnt matter how long it may takes? If your answer is yes to all the above questions, then God will come through for you. God bless you my friends.
My husband holds down three jobs, he is on contract which does not give him sick leave, bereavement leave or holiday pay, it is incorporated into the wages. Anytime that there is a public holiday he does not get a day off as he works from a remote location, so he continues to work. He is constantly evaluating n New projects which absorb all of his time. He came home for 20mins today and talked to me, I had asked if we can work on having at least one meal a day together as a family. Because we live in Argentina South America, they eat late at night around 9.30-10.30pm which I find too late when the children need to be at school the following day at 8.30am. He makes breakfast in the morning but wont change the children or drop them at school except on rare occasions. When I am sick I feel like he doesn’t believe me and he still expects me to carry out all activities relating to the children. I drop them to and from school 4 times per day as they are in a bilingual school. They also play soccer 2 times a week. I have asked for one night off a week, but he does nothing but complain when I decide to take some me time. I have no interests outside of the home and children, partly because I do not have my family close by here to help out. Friends mostly expect me to help them if I want help and I find that I end up getting more tired as I have to take care of their children as well as mine or they wont help at all. We have lived here for four years now. Before we were married I expressed to my husband that I had no desire to live in Argentina. All though in a funny way I kind of believe that God has used it to work on serious character flaws in my own life, lately I have just felt like walking out and leaving him and going home to NZ the country where I am from. We were supposed to go home to NZ over summer, but my husband decided to go on holiday with his brother and wife and their young family, I ended up taking care of their children as they had a young baby to consider. I did not feel like I had an adequate rest as my own children and I were sick for most of our holiday. I am a Christian and I have regular morning quiet times with God, but lately I just feel broken and torn apart. My parents are great but they have been in Thailand for the last 6 weeks on holiday and I have difficult in connecting because of the distance. My friends all have 3 or more children to cope with and have their own responsibilities. I feel so alone. I have sat down with my husband and talked to him on a number of occasions about his work timetable, for example he left around 8.15 this morning and he is still not home at 8.20pm even though I said to him that I had a meeting at 8pm this evening which I have not been able to attend. I give up. I welcome any insight anyone might have.
Sisters,
There is not one scripture saying we as women must take on all the burden. Being a Christian isnot about being a doormat. Remeber what you are teaching your son or daughter by enabling your husband. Many women write in and say you should encourage your husband to takr interest in the family he helped create or make family events fun for him. This is ridiculous…are you telling me we must trick them into being the men God created them to be? Admit that signs were there before now. If you are working or educated…get working or going to school and he will begin to treat you fairly and you will not have time to feel bad or lonely. Yes, pray for strength, wisdom and guidance as you may be the only adult in the relationship. I often wonder what they thought they said when theu asked is to marry them.
i m fix marriage
Good morning Ladies,
I want to encourage your hearts this morning. It breaks my heart to see the condition of your relationships. I understand that this has taken a toll on you all emotionally. I want to assure you that the Lord is aware and He is concerned about you. He hears your cries and He is working on your behalf. Every relationship is different. I encourage you to continue to seek Godly counsel concerning your relationship. You are welcome to contact a mentor through Power to Change’s website. They will be able to walk with you through prayer and support for your own individual situations. Here is a some information for Counseling also- Counsel Care Connection: (708) 524-3333 Email: help@counselcareconnection.org.
I want to also encourage you to continue praying for your husbands and your relationships. Relationships have to be nurtured. We must make the most of every opportunity we receive to encourage, support, and edify and trust that the Lord will take care of our needs through our mates. I have found that our expectations can lead to disappointment. We need to be clear in our communication as to what we need from our mates. When you have done that, prayer is a great tool to help facilitate change. After all, God designed marriage. I encourage you to allow the Lord Jesus to come along side you in your relationships to help bring about change. He will indeed strengthen you and give you grace for the journey.
Father I lift my sisters up to you now. I pray that you will begin to surround them with your loving-kindness. Draw them closer to you by your Holy Spirit. Minister to their hearts and reveal yourself to them in a greater way. I pray that you will protect their homes and their family from every work of evil. I pray that you will grant them the grace to communicate with each other. I pray that you will grant them the grace to forgive each other. Father, heal their broken places. I pray for your peace to surround them like never before. Allow them to see you at work in their relationships. Father, teach them to be the wives that you have called them to be and minister to the hearts of their husbands as well. I pray that they will all come to know you in a greater way. Father, many are not sure what to do even at this very moment. I pray that you will guide them with your eyes upon them and lead them to a place of truth. Lead them according to your will and purpose for their lives. Help them to realize that their identity and worth is not based upon the situations that they are in but in You. Help them to know that they are fearfully and wonderfully and wonderfully made and they deserve your best. Thank you for showing yourself strong and faithful on their behalf. IN Jesus name. Amen
Blessings to you all!
Psalm 147:3 He is the healer of the brokenhearted. He is the one who bandages their wounds.
1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries to him, because he cares for you.
Jeremiah 29:11 I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.
Psalm 139:14 I will give thanks to You, for [a]I am fearfully and wonderfully made;Wonderful are Your works,And my soul knows it very well.
I am sorry but it seems that only women think there alone in their marriages. Well men can feel this way too. I work 40 hrs plus a week and attend full time college working on my masters so I can get a better job to support her better. She comes Ho,e and watches movies 5-6 days a week. There’s little done. I pay all the bills both with the $$$ and make payments, I am the cook and I do the shopping for food. Some men are getting tired of being alone too.