A New Family: Learning to Love my In Laws
There is often truth to some to the things we joke about. I have heard lots of jokes about in-laws and how awful they can be, but I never thought I would be the one to experience anything like that!
When I first got married I didn’t know much about my husband’s family. I knew a little, but my concern was my husband so I didn’t bother thinking about the in-laws too much. Then suddenly I was married and I had to start thinking of them as my new family. I failed to realize the true meaning of a family that comes with the person you marry.
Family has an impact on everyone, whether good or bad. You married someone who grew up in a family, who loves, knows, and cares for that family. Now you have to try to do the same thing or feel the same way? In most cases, this doesn’t happen overnight.
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If you are having some difficulties, here are some points that I like to keep in mind:
It’s important to come to terms with the fact you might not like the family, but you still need to learn how to love them. This goes a long way in improving how you view your spouse’s family. A negative attitude towards them can affect your spouse.
- Remember, when you talk to your spouse about their family they will likely take it personally. They are attached to their family so be sensitive.
- Forgive your spouse’s family for what they have done to your spouse in the past. Families aren’t always nice nor are they perfect, but holding a grudge does more damage to you than it does to them. Bitterness poisons from the inside out.
It’s good to be willing to look at things from the other side. Here are some things I found helpful to remember when my husband talks to me about my family:
- Learn to separate yourself from your own family. Make your spouse your top priority.
- Allow yourself to see both the good and the bad about your family from your spouse’s perspective.
- Don’t compare families or pit one against the other.
Recognizing that differences aren’t always bad is one of the keys to success. Embrace the diversity. Through this you can learn to be more tolerant, loving, and accepting.
By saying, “Your family works differently than mine, but that’s okay” you take the first step in progress. Then, learn to accept those differences instead of asking “why?” I used to ask that all the time. “Why do they do that? Why are they like that?” My husband still doesn’t know how to answer those questions. It’s not fair to try to find reasons why they shouldn’t do something based on finding out the reason why they do it. They will do what they do, and the only person you can change is yourself.
When I’m exhausted and don’t want to be nice anymore I pray. That calms me down and helps me to clearly see what the problem is. Often I create problems in my own head and don’t notice I’ve done that until I think through why I’m upset about something. I’ve been mad and sad. I’ve cried. But the thing I remember is that, it does pass.
I don’t have to be “best friends” with my in-laws. I know I never will be, and that’s okay. I consider how I can get through anything if I’m willing to listen and make changes. I don’t have to let what they have done or said stop me from treating them the way I would like to be treated.
I’m still learning every day. I know this will continue for the rest of my life. What are some of the challenges you’ve faced with your in-laws?
Tags: boundaries, cope, Culture, Family, family issues, healthy marriage, in laws, marriage, newlywed, parents, relationships, sex and love, World
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I am 26, American, and have just moved to South Africa with my South African fiance. He has been away working overseas (how we met) for 7 years, so us moving “home” is very new to both of us. Taking in that newness, while also attempting to build our first home, I am getting to know his family on as well… on a personal level. Being far from what is familiar to me I am struggling, but it is aplified by the fact that my fiance’s family is constantly in our lives and space. In the 3 months that we have been here, my fiance and I have had 3 weeks alone. (Did I mention we are newly engaged? I thought this was supposed to be a romantic time in our lives?)
During our house build, my fiance’s father will be helping us as he has just finished building a home and also was a surveyor by trade. Initially I thought he would come and stay with us for a week and then come back a few weeks later to check in… I was wrong. Apparently this entailed him living with us for 3wks-4wks on end. He is a tolerable man, but we have a checkered history. Just weeks before the house build (while my fiance and I were staying at his parents house) my fiance and I had a little argument. His father steps in and calls me “the most difficult women” and proceeds to tell me that he doesnt think I will last 6 months. A pleasant comment coming from a man who knows absolutely nothing about me, what I have done to move to this country, nor what I have chosen to give up.
Now that he is staying with us, I have a a lot of resentment towards him for his previous comments, which he never apologized for, thus every time he makes a smart-ass comment I take it personally. I have never felt as if he liked me, and I don’t appreciate his baseless opinions. How do I learn to love this character? To me, he is just intrusive and rude. =(
My wife and I have been married for 5 months now, and I get along great with my father-in-law. However, my mother-in-law is a whole different story. The whole engagement period leading up to our marriage she tore me down in front of my now wife and tried to convince her not to marry me. She was making outrageous accusations that had no evidence to back it up. She was also extremely controlling, and also wouldn’t help out with the wedding stuff. The biggest problem now, though, is she acts like none of that ever happened and like I’m a great husband for her daughter. It’s basically like a Dr. Jekel & Mr. Hyde type of scenario. The hard part for me is to get that engagement period mother-in-law out of my mind and forgive her for how she talked about me and start to love her, as I know my wife wants me to.
My inlaws lived 20 yards from us for years. They fought all the time and drug my husband and I into their marital strife. They were demanding of us to help them all the time (they were in their 50′s & in good health) but never gave any help in return. The most I ever asked was for moral support when my husband, their son, was laid up after a serious surgery and re-cooperating for 12 months but instead, I took care of him, the kids and chores (we lived on a farm) in addition to working my normal FT job outside of the house- alone. Yet they helped the sisters all the time, they would not help us. Eventually, we just stopped asking for any type of help or moral support as we cope or attempt to cope w/ my husbands chronic illness.
To this day (it’s been 12 yrs) I feel a grudge for their lack of support and though we live across the road from them now vs across the yard, it’s still to close.
My problem was not on how to love my inlaws, we loved each other very easily. My problem now, is how to stop loving them. Their son, my husband, left me, and its just too hard to talk to them, or see them now. It reminds me of the ‘family’ I dont have anymore. The funny thing is, my mother in law was the one who I turned to, and comforted me during my marriage problems. I miss them, and am very sad about it, but its too hard to see them.
The biggest problem I have is my wife and my mother are the best of friends who could talk for hours about me.