Is Your Marriage Fixable?
There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, but how do you know if you’re in a good marriage? There have been a spat of celebrity break ups this week. It’s easy to look at them at think, “well that’s Hollywood, we have real problems” but sometimes we lose perspective too. When you’re tired, when change is slow, when you run out of hope it becomes easier to think about walking away. How do you know if you have a marriage worth fighting for?
In a recent article for O, The Oprah Magazine Ginger Tobias writes:
Freedom beckons intoxicatingly, but then I wonder if my expectations aren’t unrealistic—whether I’ve got the makings of a good marriage but am foolishly holding out for perfect. Paul Amato, PhD, professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 subjects who started off married, and says 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential. Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn’t lived up to their expectations. “It’s important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time,” Amato says, “and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs.”
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I find that both a sad and a hopeful statement – “55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential.” It’s sad to think that people walked away from something that could have been saved, but it’s also hopeful. If you find yourself looking across the breakfast table at your spouse and daydreaming about your single days, there is reason to hope.
Tobias goes on to ask the all important question, “So how do you know if you have one of those fixable marriages?” I think that for the most part, if you’re wondering you’re in luck. The truly unfixable things in marriage are never subtle. Where there has been violence, or abandonment, unfaithfulness or unaddressed addiction, you already know that the marriage is in trouble. That’s not to say that one of these things makes your union a write-off, but they are not issues you wonder about. These are things you know, deep in your stomach.
If you’re wondering, it’s likely a less grievous issue and the great news is that these are things that CAN improve. Think of it as the difference between a heart attack and needing to loose a few pounds. Both put your health in jeopardy, neither are ideal but where the heart attack requires immediate help from professionals, the few pounds are something you can deal with. Yes, it’s going to take attention and work and commitment and you’re going to have to make some changes. But it’s not catastrophic, it’s fixable.
Tobias offers 10 questions to ask to assess the heath for your marriage. Questions like “Are you exaggerating the negatives?”, “Have you left the marriage by withdrawing emotionally?”, “Do you have fun together? You can see the full list here. Her questions are an excellent way to gain a little perspective and the odds are in your favor that the news is good.
If you fall into the other 40% and your marriage really is in trouble there is still hope for you. Find a counselor, get the help you need. You would never try to cure your own cancer. If your marriage is sick, get help. There are counselors across the US and Canada who are ready to help.
If you’re ready to do a little marriage maintenance there are a thousand things you can do. Start a weekly date night even if it’s just going for coffee. Start a new activity you can do together. Read about how other couples saved their marriage. Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway and spend two whole days focused on your relationship and each other. Your marriage is the single most influential relationship in your life. I promise it’s worth every ounce of effort you put into it.
If you’d like to talk to someone privately about any relationship issue we have mentors available 24/7. Just use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back usually in a couple of days.
