Your Marriage is Worth Fighting For?
67% of first time marriages go the distance. I was reading a report on divorce statistics from StatsCan and this fact jumped off the page. It seemed to contradict a much repeated statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So which one is true? Well, they both are actually.
Two of every three new marriages will indeed last for life….but the 50% statistic is also true because it includes all marriages and the fact is that second and third marriages (and fourth and fifth for that matter!) divorce at a much higher rate.
Don’t these facts make you wonder “why do subsequent marriages fail at a significantly higher rate than first marriages?” Reflecting on the thousands of couples we have known and worked with, here is what I think are the prime reasons marriage fail:
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- Misdiagnosis. Many people end their first marriage convinced that they simply married the “wrong person”. With that belief, it becomes very easy to overlook some very serious relationship shortcomings in themselves or any unhealthy relationship patterns that may have grown. When this is the case it should not be surprising that similar issues arise in the next marriage. Like Yogi Berra said, “Wherever you go, there you are.” The first step to resolving issues in a first or subsequent marriage is always to be honest about and change the only thing you can really control – yourself!
- Blending families. When people remarry, there are often children involved…and blending families is difficult! Parenting is always challenging, but I don’t know a remarried couple who doesn’t say that step-parenting is WAY harder. And that makes sense – I mean, how can it not be harder when you are blending two different parenting styles and histories plus the dynamics of shared custody and whole different sets of values and guidelines at the other homes?Add in the additional emotional stuff the kids and parents experience through a break up, solo time. Then add a new marriage and you have a very complex situation. Remarriage expert Ron Deal (www.successfulstepfamilies.com) says it takes an average of seven years for remarried couples with kids to fully blend. Because these complex blended parenting issues are the most challenging in the early days, I think a lot of couples find it just too hard to make it to seven years. If you are step-parenting in the first seven years, there is hope! Yes, it’s hard but there is help available.
- Baggage. Every one of us brings baggage into marriage…for some of us, it is only a backpack and for others of us it is a truck load! Baggage from any past relationship can complicate all the usual marital challenges of two people building a relationship of mutual trust, intimacy and respect. When one has experienced the pain, loss, disillusionment and broken trust of a divorce it is understandable that they will bring extra baggage into a future marriage and thereby reduce the chances of going the distance.
In light of all this, it seems far wiser to me to strengthen, heal and restore the marriage you are in rather than leave it believing a future marriage will be easier. I have had many remarried couples tell me that if they had known how difficult their second marriage was going to be, they would have worked harder at the first one. The fact is that divorce only ends a marriage legally. Divorce has no power to end unresolved issues or to make unhealthy behaviors vanish. I have always believed and I think these statistics support that our best chance for a life long marriage is the first one.
That’s what I’ve been thinking. What do you think?
Do you not know how to fight fair? Take our Life Lesson called “How to Have a Good Fight: Resolving Marital Conflicts”and learn to fight fair.
Travis if we try to work out the marriage ourselves and feel that we are the only one wanting to work in the marriage then you are right as alone you will never do it. However if you allow Christ and the Holy Spirit to work in your wife’s life and show your love by actions and not words then Christ will work in the persons life. It takes a lot of love and patience to be able to do this as throwing in the towel sounds easy but it is so difficult. Earnestly seek Christs will and he will reveal it to you and love as Christ loved. If you want to communicate with one of our mentors I would suggest you email the mentor as they will walk along with you and pray with you. God Bless
I would love to stay as optimistic as the author has stated, but the reality is that all involved have to be present and willing to work through the issues for a marriage to be successful.
One person cannot hold a marriage together and a single person will fail if they are the only one trying to put one back together.
I wanted to fight for my marriage. My ex refused to seek professional help. He was already divorced in his mind. He already had himself joined up on all of the internet dating sites and dispite his statements that he broke off his affair, he still wanted to try divorce to see if it would help him. Me and our marriage was not important enough for him to even try to work on it with me. I had no choice but to give him what he wanted – a divorce. However, through that process I lost my “rose-colored glasses” and learned many things that I had no clue were going on. The distrust I have now of not only him, but of anyone is clearly affecting my relationship with God and other people. I have to work on myself before I even think about getting involved in another relationship. I think it is different for seniors who find themselves divorced after their 1st marriage. Sometimes I feel like I am a “widow”. My Mother was widowed in her early 60′s. To me [and I know plenty of widows will disagree with me] but to me this is like he died. There is this person out there who looks like him, but he is not the man I married nor loved. So I would not think of even looking for a second marriage at my age if I were widowed, and it is the furthest thing from my mind now that I am divorced. If I were married younger and divorced younger I could relate. But I agree that we can’t force the other person to work at saving the marriage if they have already made their mind up that it failed and is not worth saving. We as the spouse who was left behind has to recover and heal ourselves regardless if a second marriage is in our future or not.
I whole heartedly agree with Mr. Josephson’s article. After twenty-five years of marriage I saw separation and possible divorce as the only way out of a very toxic relationship. In the process of healing myself I drew closer to the Lord than ever before in my life during that time I tried desparately to forgive my former partner – though we were no longer living as husband and wife we were co parents of our three children. I had a real difficult time with “the golden rule – love your neighbour as yourself”…..there was no codicile for the ex-spouse. Through none other than divine intervention, we were led to attend a weekend retreat for troubled marriages – following this weekend, we decided to slowly with the Lord’s help see if we might be able to come to an amicable relationship for the benefit of our children and ourselves. It is now eight years later and we are blessed with a marriage that is BETTER than we could imagine. The Lord working through this organization is totally responsible for this. We thank Him daily for second chances and not giving up on us and our marriage. God is good.
Tiona, I agree that you cannot stayed married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you anymore, but I don’t think that is what the author is saying here. Yes, there are some marriages that are so broken that nothing short of a miracle can put things right, but what I see the author saying here is that many people get divorced because it’s too hard, not because of the abuses that you mentioned. I agree that a person should not sacrifice their safety or the safety of their children, I think that anyone would agree with that.
I don’t agree. When a spouse has been unfaithful and wants to leave there is no working that out. When a spouse is abusive to their partner or abuses the children, has a drug addiction, or secret life outside the home that is damaging or threatening to the rest of the family there is no other way to live with someone that is that sick. In the cases where the couples are just saying I’m not in love with you anymore or I don’t feel that spark anymore or life itself is sucking the strength out of people by all means work it out but where abuse and dangers of having other people involved in a marriage where sickness and disease can come in…no the other person has to stay alive especially when children are involved. Some people are just plain TOXIC and being with them is VERY UNHEALTHY emotionally and physically