Help! I Love my Husband but I Don’t like Sex
Has love betrayed you? There is hope.
“Why was it so hard to resist sex before marriage, but now in marriage, resisting is all I do?”
“Why do I love my husband, but don’t want to make love?”
“Why was sex so good before marriage when I shouldn’t have been having it, but now that I can, its lost its sizzle, and I’ve lost desire?”
You’re not alone…
Can you relate to any of the women above? Like them, do you love your husband, want to stay married, but struggle with sex? Do you yearn for physical and emotional closeness with your mate, yet shun their intimate advances? “What happened to our sexual relationship?” you may wonder. If these questions have crossed your mind, you’re not alone.
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Many married women genuinely want to feel more desire toward their husbands, and can’t figure out what went wrong. They wish their sexual relationship could be more and are dismayed that it’s not. They want to give themselves without reserve to their husbands, but can’t. I know, because I was one of them.
As a newly married wife I was surprised to find that within a short time, sex had lost its appeal for me. I loved my husband, but avoided sex. And when I couldn’t avoid it, I was a passive participant, rather than an enthusiastic one. I thought there was something wrong with me, yet I couldn’t tell anyone. After all, everyone else seemed to like sex…the women in the media seemed to enjoy it and want it all the time. And my husband liked it a lot…so what was wrong with me?
There’s good news
If you’re wondering the same thing…I have good news! There are many reasons why women may have fluctuating desire for sex in marriage. Children, fatigue, hormones, work, illness, medications, emotions and stress are some of the obstacles to enjoying or desiring sex. I certainly experienced all of those. But then God began to take me on a journey of healing from my past abortion, and my past sexual relationships. Even the sexual relationship I had with my husband before we got married.
I never imagined that my sexual past could have an impact on me today, but God was showing me that it had. And with healing, He set me free. Free from the wounds I’d accumulated, free from the lies I’d ingrained, and free from all my past sexual partners that were keeping me from experiencing true intimacy with my husband. Healing set me free to love my husband, and enjoy being loved in return. I thought it was too good to be true. But since then, as God has given me the opportunity to lead hundreds of women through healing, I’ve watched Him do the same thing in others.
I imagine that you may be wondering how your sexual past could be affecting you today. I want to share what God has taught me about sexual bonding, and how our past – whether from sexual abuse, or trauma or our own choices – can impact emotional and sexual intimacy in marriage.
Sex and the brain
What does the brain have to do with sex? Everything. The brain is our biggest sex organ. Scientists have discovered that we release chemicals and hormones that create a bond during sexual arousal and release. The chemicals released give us a feeling of pleasure, and make us want to do it over again. In addition, the hormone oxytocin is released which is designed to relationally bond us to our partner.
Oxytocin is an amazing hormone…I call it God’s super-human-glue. Its released three times in a human, when a woman gives birth, when she breastfeeds her baby, and in both men and women when they experience sexual arousal and release. In addition, men release vasopressin which also helps with bonding. When we save sex for marriage, the only person that we bond with will be our spouses. And as our marriage progresses, and we’re having sex over and over, that bond gets stronger, causing our love to deepen and mature. I believe God gives us a glimpse of oxytocin in Genesis 2:24 when He says; “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Other versions use the word cleave for united, which literally means to be glued together.
But what happens when we take sex outside marriage, and bond with other partners? What about in the case of sexual abuse? Preliminary science is showing that if we have past negative sexual relationships, we can inhibit our production and release of oxytocin. In other words, every time we have sex in a relationship and then break up, we release less oxytocin in each subsequent relationship. Then we get married. We hope that marriage is a big giant eraser, wiping all the past away, but instead we bring all our past sexual bonds into marriage with us. They can keep us from releasing oxytocin and bonding exclusively with our spouses.
How does past bonding impact our desire in marriage? If over time we’re not bonding well enough sexually, we can begin to experience sexual withdrawal. Sex can become less enjoyable, less intimate, and less desirable. Bonding in previous relationships keeps us attached to past partners. This can cause us to compare our current spouse with past partners leaving us dissatisfied or disappointed. During seasons of struggle in our marriage, we may feel drawn to the past, thinking, “Maybe I should have married someone else…”
To summarize, if we’ve bonded to past sexual partners, we will not bond as well in marriage, and if we’re not bonding well, it can decrease sexual desire and enjoyment in marriage.
The Emotional divide
Human beings are relational. There are five recognized levels of emotional intimacy that we move through as we get to know someone intimately. They have various names, but I call them: lowest, low, moderate, high and highest. With each level we share more of ourselves, placing us at increasing levels of vulnerability. And a greater risk of being hurt or rejected. And that’s why to become truly intimate, not only do we need to progress through the levels slowly, but also at the same pace. Women tend to be more comfortable relating emotionally and therefore can move more quickly through the levels. Men more often (not always, of course) relate in practical terms, with less emotions, and therefore need more time to move through the levels.
Couples who start having sex outside marriage generally are at the moderate level of communication. At this level we’re sharing opinions, beliefs and thoughts. That doesn’t mean we aren’t occasionally sharing feelings, but when experience conflict, we’ll gravitate to our safe zone, or the level where we communicate the most. Once we start having sex, we’re releasing all those chemicals and oxytocin, and now we’re bonding. We feel close, attached, one. At this point, the sex makes us feel closer than we really are. It becomes a false sense of intimacy and our relationship will begin to focus on the physical. Its how we’ll communicate love, and resolve conflict. Outside marriage, wherever sex begins on the levels of intimacy is where our intimacy will get stalled. Because working through conflict is required to move to the higher levels, we’ll avoid greater vulnerability as it may threaten our relationship.
And then we get married.
The sex has made us feel close, but over time the newness of our relationship wears off, and the reality of life settles in. At this point we begin to discover that we don’t know each other as well as we thought we did. We’re not able to communicate our deepest needs, desires or fears. We bring the same communication patterns we had before, into the marriage and continue to avoid conflict in fear of threatening the relationship. Many couples live in this emotional divide long into their marriages. I see this most often once the kids are gone and a couple discovers that they share less in common than they first thought.
For most women, sex is about being emotionally connected. The closer a woman feels emotionally to her partner, the greater desire she’ll have for sex. Women feel emotionally connected through communication. When we’re connected emotionally, we feel heard and loved. This is what stimulates our sexual desire. Men on the other hand feel emotionally connected through sex, and once they’re connected, they’re more open to communication. In other words if you want to get your man to talk, have sex. Men if you want to get your wife to have sex, talk to her.
To summarize; if we’re not connected emotionally it can inhibit our desire and enjoyment of sex.
Shame on you
As I’ve talked with women all over the country I’ve discovered that regardless of how they were sexually wounded, from abuse as a child or young adult, forced into sex as in date rape, or promiscuous by choice, they all carry emotional damage. Shame, self-blame, regret, pain, brokenness, unworthiness, despair, and distrust are some of the baggage women carry into their future. Emotional pain accumulates with each relationship. Although we’d like to believe that we leave it behind as we move on to the next partner, without healing it gets buried deep until it resurfaces in the next relationship.
These emotions can inhibit sexual desire in marriage. How? Because now in marriage when we have sex, it triggers the shame we experienced in the past. Remember that the brain is our biggest sex organ. As the shame, pain, thoughts and memories flood our mind, it robs us of our desire for sex. We’ll begin to withdraw, pull back emotionally and physically. Whether from sexual abuse, trauma or our own choices, the shame we felt in past situations will revisit when we begin to feel the same arousal in the present. The negative associations we had with sex in the past situation will resurface in the present. We may feel unworthy, dirty, shameful. Details of past abuse or promiscuous choices become vivid realities, stealing our moment of desire.
In summary: the negative emotions we experienced in past sexual relationships will be triggered in the present and will extinguish our desire for sex.
God can Heal
The good news is God can heal your past and restore your desire for your husband, and for sex. Yes, its true! Not only has He done it for me, but He’s healed countless others as they’ve trusted God with this area of their lives.
God can break the bonds you’ve created in your past relationships, heal the wounds you’ve accumulated, replace the lies you’ve ingrained with His truth, and help re-bond you to your husband, increasing your desire and enjoyment of sex. Even chemically, preliminary science is beginning to show that with healing, our brains heal too. As we heal, we’re able to release oxytocin again. I’ve watched this happen in women. As past wounds heal, their emotional walls come down. Gradually you see them feeling more love for their husbands, and being able to receive love. With healing we no longer trigger negative associations with sex from the past, and our desire for sex improves.
Below are some of the steps of healing that I’ve experienced and led others through. If you’ve experienced sexual abuse or sexual trauma as in rape, you may also need to enlist professional help with a licensed counselor.
The Steps to Healing:
- Acknowledge what’s happened and surrender it to God. Write out your story using the life map exercise in Kiss Me Again.
- Break the silence…tell someone. A counselor, trusted friend, your husband.
- Grieve your losses and wounds. Let God show you what and how you need to grieve and the wounds He wants to heal.
- Break past bonds. Write out your sexual history list. Ask God to show you everyone you’ve created a bond with. Write the names, or details of the event down. Ask God to show you how each one of these situations and/or people hurt you, and damaged your view of yourself, others, God, men and sex.
- Pray this prayer with each person/situation on your list asking God to sever the bond you’ve created with them.
Lord, I ask forgiveness for sinning against you and against my own body. In the name of Jesus, I sever and renounce the bonds I created with _____. I release my heart tie with this person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I choose by faith to forgive _______ for their violation against me. Please forgive me of my violation against _______. Please remove the negative emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around with me. Restore to me a virgin heart—as though I’d never been with this person, and heal me completely of the damage this sin has caused me and my marriage. Thank you for your forgiveness. I accept it fully.[i] Amen.
The pain that heals
Its hard work, I know. But I promise you, its worth it. You’ll go through some pain as you bring up the past, but its what psychologists call ‘good pain’. Good pain allows us to heal. Good pain is allowing God to expose what’s hurt us in our pasts, and surrendering it to Him so He can heal us.
He’s done it for me and countless others. He can and will do the same for you. He’s just waiting for one thing…He’s waiting for you to ask.
[i] Used with permission
Do you want to read more of Barbara Wilson’s articles? The first two in her series can be found here:
The Five Levels of Intimacy
Kiss Me Again
How is your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
I don’t really love my husband, I started dating him and had sex with him shortly after meeting. He feel in love with me so quickly and asked me to marry him in 3 months. I said yes, We married 10 months after meeting. I love him for companship but not in love with him. My ex boyfriend was the love of my life but he was dragging his feet about getting married. So I married him, I do not desire sex now please help we have only been married for 8 months.
Dear Alfull, My heart goes out to you; what a painful situation to be in. Yet, as Barbara Wilson says, God is wanting to heal you! My suggestion is to re-read her article, reach up to God, and marvel at how He reaches down to you. Look especially at The Steps to Healing. While I’m now praying for you, the question comes to me, as to whether your husband would benefit from reading that article too. I think he would. All the responses may be unnecessary, but you could print out the article only. You may realize that it is not really up to me give advice, but since you asked I’ve taken the liberty to make suggestions. There is one more thing: I have a book that I wish we’d have read 30 years ago. It is “The 5 Love Languages” in which Gary Chapman says that we have different ways of wanting to feel loved: One wants a clean kitchen while the other is looking for a back rub, for example. Those 5 major languages are: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Learn each others language (find out what pleases your spouse), and know that you are loved! My wife & I both benefited from reading it. Praying for both of you, Alfred.
Interesting,
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Power to Change Editorial
God bless you all and may His perfect will be done in all relationships. May He give us all the wisdom to know when to hold on and when to let go. In Jesus’ name. Amen!
To the person who addressed herself as “slut but not with him”. Just the name you gave yourself broke my heart. That is NOT how God sees you. God loves YOU and is willing to receive you back into His arms whenever you confess and repent of your sins. Bow your head and sincerely pour out your heart to God, receive Jesus Christ as your savior and become a brand new creation. Read the story of the prodigal son in the bible. That is how the Lord watches and waits for us when we stray and that is how He welcomes us back once we realize the error of our ways and return to Him. You are soo precious in God’s eyes! He loves YOU so very much. Receive His love today and allow it to fill your heart, mind, spirit and soul with PEACE. I will pray for you and please never refer to yourself as a slut ever again!
Im a 23yr old wife an new mother an husband hates me now cuz we been together 2yrs an only had sex maybe 12 times.he used to get all he want.I’ve been an easy whore slut an gave it to everyone!always loved it.i hate hates it with him.now he leaving me cuz he knew i was easy lay .what should i do
What does a slut like me that gave it up so easily to who ever i could do now
He already got one wanting to come do what he wants.like she can read his mind.
So is this some preachy bs or a for real advice column? It’s looking more like some predatory holy roller, cover to jam religion down someone whose looking for real help’s, throat.
So glad you appreciated this article sarah and M Hansen. It’s always good to hear from our readers.
Samantha, it does sound like there are some guilt issues that you still need to deal with. Have you seen a professional counselor? Unfortunately both the rape itself and the consequent abortion are issues that leave horrible scars on our lives if we don’t deal with them. Have you seen a doctor to determine if the pain you are feeling is physical? there may be a reason for it that can be treated so that’s the first step to finding a solution. Start with that but don’t ignore that there are some emotional and psychological issues that are still at work too.Too often we don’t realize how the things that happened in our past impact our present relationships.
We do also have online mentors that would love to pray for you and walk alongside of you. If you are interested in having someone email you, just fill in this form. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
am totally touched with your advice and i felt shame and hurt for my past deeds.God bless you.
Hi, I am only 22. I have a wonderful husband that takes care of me so good. We have only be married for a year and i have problems with my sex life. Do not get me wrong I love him so much but during our alone time i do not feel the passion. Also, when penetration occurs it hurts so much. I carry guilt due to rape at 18, due to rape I got pregnant. I did not tell no one and took the choice of abortion. Now only a friend knows but I still carry the guilt of my choice and I am afraid of my marriage falling apart. I use to be a big believer in god until that event. Now I question a lot of it and I feel like I let myself down and don’t know how to overcome all this! I want to save my marriage but I don’t know how to believe. Any help?
Dear Barbara,
You’re articles have been more than helpful. They may have just saved my marriage. I came across them last night after years and years of struggling. My husband and I got married 14 years ago because we got pregnant, having only known each other for a very few months and didn’t know Christ. Thru the grace and mercy of God, we have been able to keep fighting to keep our family together. But as the years pass, we get wearier. We have 3 beautiful children. The Lord is good and redeems everything. My husband gave his life over to Jesus a decade ago and I followed soon after. Unfortunately, we still struggled and not until very recently, I realized I could finally trust my husband and feel as if we are truly married and partners. He has had this clarity always but he wasn’t always a gracious person. He’s had to learn that thru God’s instruction. He’s a much better husband than I am a wife nowadays. He always knew “what”, he just didn’t know “how”. Now, the only piece missing is the sexual piece. The most important piece? Without it, there’s no intimacy, nothing that separates us form the rest of the men and women around us. This article (“Help! I love my husband but I don’t like sex”) was of course, exactly how I feel. So even though I’ve asked God for forgiveness for having squandered the gift of virginity, I never approached it the way you suggest. I truly believe that after I go thru the exercise and prayer, it will completely heal my past and I can finally move forward to have the fulfilling marriage God intended for us. I’m encouraged and relieved. I know God can heal anything. I just didn’t know how to put that into action. Your article has helped me understand the importance of my past’s influence. And I will keep praying for God to heal all my past wounds until He’s made me whole again. This morning, my 7 year-old daughter was doing her bible study and when she read this, I thought of your articles and verses quoted thru out: “Don’t you know that your bodies belong to the body of Christ? Should I take what belongs to Christ and join it to a prostitute? Never! Don’t you know that when you join yourself to a prostitute, you become one with her? Scripture says, “The two will become one.” (Gen 2:24)” – 1 Cor 6:15-16. Prostitute or not, when we have sexually joined with someone else, there’s a supernatural component that lingers and hurts your marriage and the more partners, the more damage. I may have read that once before, but it didn’t click. Your article got your message across to me very clearly and practically. Thank you again; for sharing your experience, your faithfulness and your wisdom. I pray God blesses your ministry bountifully, for His honor and glory.
Thanks Jessica and Carrie for sharing your stories here. Carrie it sounds like you are already talking to a doctor about it which is good. As the author says in the article there are so many different things that affect our sex drive.
Jessica and Carrie, why don’t you try the prescription and at least give it a shot? Would it be awesome if it did make a difference and you could enjoy that intimate relationship with your husband again?
Have you talked to your husbands about it? Sometimes it is more of a matter of what goes on outside of the bedroom. Is he attentive to your needs? Does he physically interact with you outside of the bedroom? Because we need time as women to get sexually aroused there is so much more to it.
Jessica, it could definitely be something related to your post partum depression. Talk to your doctor about it and be willing to try different medications….we have to be our own advocates when it comes to the prescriptions that our doctors put us on.
Last time I had sex with my husband, I cried the whole time and just laid there. We’ve probably had sex 6-8 times since my daughter was born and she’s going to be 3 in June. This past time really scared me though. I had no feelings and my body just shut down. I went through a severe post partum depression and it’s never been the same since then. I’m used to rarely having sex and if someone told me I didn’t have to do it for the rest of my life I’d be okay with that. Early 30′s is too young to feel that way. Anyone else suffer this because of post partum??? I’m even on an antidepressant that helps boost sex drive. Could having my thyroid removed make a difference even if my levels are normal? So many issues.
Carrie,
I see a psychiatrist and there is a female version of Viagra available. My psychiatrist has said he can put me on it a few times within the past year but I’m too worried that I’m on too many meds now. Just thought you should know.
This is an intersting concept, except I have all these issues WITHOUT any sexual ‘past’. We were BOTH ‘clean’ when we got married- we’ve only been with each other. So unfortunately, this idea of the hormones bonding you doesn’t really hold up. What would you say is the ‘problem’ in me? My doctors (regular & ob/gyn) both say that it’s a huge portion of women who deal with this problem, and there just isn’t any help for it yet (but they’re in the process of approving a female ‘viagra’).
I would have to agree with you BC. In marriage we make a commitment to one another, and that is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health……we all know the words. It is that commitment to our marriages and to our spouse that helps us when there are tough times in our marriages and not having a desire for sex by either partner falls in that category. It definitely is not an excuse for the opposite partner to go out an have an affair but instead is a starting point for communication and working together to solve the underlying problems or deal with the issues that are causing the lack of sexual desire.
Mike, we hope you will talk, to learn, to help us bring it to God in prayer. We hope you would not make sex your only desire.
May God have pity on each of you, man or woman, who has thought or done such things that only further hurt a relationship.
And women wonder why men pull away and have affairs. Seriously, what do people expect to happen when an integral component of a relationship is with held.
Mike from Canada
HI Asma, there are many emotional and physical consequences for women and men who have lost a child to abortion. The Elliot Institute says that 73% of women who have had an abortion experience some kind of sexual dysfunction including a loss of sexual desire and increase of pain during intercourse. You can see their material at http://afterabortion.org/1999/the-emotional-effects-of-abortion/ and find some helpful articles for women and men experiencing some of those consequences. Let me also recommend that you connect with one of our online mentors to whom you can share your story privately. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.
Hi Thandi, It is always a wise thing in marriages to find ways to talk things through. Whether that happens one-on-one or with a counsellor does not matter, but you need to talk through this with your husband. The way you have those conversations is so important though. The more you can maintain the idea that you are a team working on this together the better chance you will have for true honesty, and healing. I know in my marriage, our relationship with Jesus has made it much easier to stay in that mindset of partnership. Jesus breaks down the self-centeredness and fills us both with a desire to serve each other. Let me encourage you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you explore how God can help you deal with this issue in your marriage. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.
Can the abortion deliberately lose sexual desire .
please i need an answers
Thank you for this article, i hav larnt a lot and i hav realised somthing in my relationship with my husband.My husband cheated on me in the first year of our marriage that is 7yrs ago.i got to know 7yrs latr through an email she sent him back then,i askd my husband about it and he said it was just a one night thing it was not an affair.but then i later discoverd emails which he has been sending her, giving her his phone number which has been going on for years, i dont know if she ever responded or phoned back,but my worry is my husband complains alot abot our sex and when i think back when it started its exactly th time of this encounter with this other woman.could there be a bond? how do we deal with it?. we dated for 3yrs and nver had issues,
Hey guys, just a heads up to a lot of you struggling with intimacy issues.. My wife of almost 25 years has discovered she is autistic along with our 5 children. All of the older ones are high functioning but our youngest is severely autistic. We were unaware of our firt 4 childrens conditions until a few months ago with a “true” revelation from God. Too long of a story to get in to. I was just here to tell you my wife is awesome but for our whole marriage there was zero intimacy. Now don’t confuse sex with intimacy. Intimacy is what leads to sex. We just bypassed the intimate part and went right to the love making. This is ok a lot of the times but in general is very unhealthy for a relationship. We had many of discussions and sometimes arguments about her lacking that intimate part that I desired so much. I know it is backwards me being a man talking about this but I guarantee if you neglected your man they would feel a lot of the same feelings. Me being a very intimate person makes it that much harder. I guess I was just posting here to give you all a heads up about “autism” and possibly someone out there being on the spectrum. It was very real to us and has opened our eyes to what was really going on for the past 23 years!! Hope this sheds some light on some things that you may be facing.. Peace John
Brenna,
Your story breaks my heart. Firstly because you had to go through all of those terrible things in your past but also because you feel you don’t deserve Christ’s love. No matter what you’ve done, 1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The Bible says God will purify us. That means you don’t need to feel guilty about past sins. They’ve been washed away by the sacrifice of Jesus. God’s word tells us that once we’ve accepted Christ we remain children of God. You deserve to be called a child of God. John 1:12-13 says “Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.” When we accept Christ, we were born again. We are of God. In your relationship with Christ, I pray that you would feel his love and his presence. I pray that God would guide you to a greater understanding of who you are in his sight.
I’m glad you found this article helpful. I pray that you and your husband would grow closer through counseling. If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re struggling with I invite you to sign up for an online mentor who will walk alongside you over email. I pray that God would encourage you this week and show you that you really are forgiven.
Reading this I couldn’t stop crying because it’s so true. I haven’t been able to enjoy sex with my husband because of my past being melested and the multiple sexual relationships just make me feel so guilty. I feel I don’t deserve to be a child of God. Doctors tell me I’m fine physically and nothing is wrong with me but yet I still can’t enjoy sex as hard as I try to I can’t. I just feel like this is punishment and that I deserve it. I want to be forgiven but at the same time I can’t even see that being possible. I’m going to be talking to a counselor and hope that I can come to terms and finally get this baggage off of my shoulders. It’s a heavy weight thats been on my shoulders for a long time. Thank you very much for this, it has made me feel alot better about my situation and it helped me to explain to my husband my problem. It’s hard on him too, because he feels I don’t want him which is not the case.
Dear Ann
Thanks for sharing this blog. I found it really helpful and believe it makes a great resource for women looking for help in this area.
Dear Katy and Shelley;
Thank you also for sharing honestly your struggles in marriage. Neither of you mention if the article reminded you of anything in your past that could be contributing to your lowered desire. But I would encourage you to read Kiss Me Again to see if God brings to mind anything from your past, whether abuse, trauma, forced sex, or your own choices that may have damaged your view of sex. Of if you had sex with your husbands prior to marriage that can cause a negative bond that can inhibit desire in marriage as well.
But also know that God gave sex in marriage not only to create life, but also to bring life to your marriage. Often a sexless marriage suffers in other areas as well. Also sex in marriage continues to bond us keeping us from temptation of infidelity. Sexual intimacy also provides comfort and brings healing to us personally through the chemicals and hormones that are released and most importantly helps our husbands feel loved. No wonder the enemy works hard at keeping married couples from having sex. It can be one of the greatest causes of struggles in marriage, and often the reason why marriages don’t last.
I encourage you both to ask God to show you if there is a root cause of your lowered desire that He wants to heal in you…because He knows you better than you know yourself.
Blessings
Barb
Dear Sonja;
I really appreciate Jamie’s thoughtful answer to you. This is definitely a difficult thing to discern and we need to go to Scripture to help us. Someone has pointed out to you that your remarriage was a mistake, and I would say that no man can be the judge of that, only God can. The one awesome thing about God is that He’s bigger than our mistakes and can even take our failures and mistakes and use them for good in our lives. You are remarried now and regardless of how you got to this place God wants you to be 100% committed in this marriage. And even if it was a mistake, God wants to bless your marriage, and use it for good in your lives. So although man looks at it and says its a mistake, God wants you to see it the way He does and wants you to not doubt or pull back in your marriage. How you got divorced in the first place is something you need to ask God about. Let him show you the condition of your heart when you got divorced. If there’s things you need to repent of and ask forgiveness for because of leaving your first marriage I encourage you to spend time making that right with God. But know that in some cases if there’s abuse, infidelity, harm or if it wasn’t your choice to divorce, God does not hold these things against you if you remarry. You see its so easy for us as people to pass judgement on each other, but God sees the big picture and more importantly knows our heart. If you know in your heart or God reveals to you that you gave up on your first marriage out of selfishness or that you were part of the cause of your first marriage dissolving, that’s something He wants you to make right with Him. But I believe that He would say that now that you’re in another marriage He wants you to honor your vows and make a commitment to your husband and trust God that He can take our worst mistakes and make them blessings. Not because we deserve it, but just because He’s full of grace and mercy to us and never holds our sin against us. I’m praying this gives you hope but also encourages you to be honest with God about if you had a part in your first marriage breaking up, and if so, acknowledging that before Him and receiving His complete, full forgiveness.
Blessings
Barb
Thanks Ann, it looks like that site you recommended has some great conversations on it. I appreciate you sharing that.
Katy,
It must be very hard for you to be struggling with sex in your marriage. If you are feeling like sex is a chore it would be very hard to talk about it with your husband. Please know you’re not alone. There are many women who feel the same way you do. Our article called “She Doesn’t Want Sex” may be helpful to you. There are many possible reasons as to why you don’t like having sex. Those reasons can be psychological, physiological or emotional. If you’ve experience abuse in the past that might have a lot to do with your low libido. If you’d like more information you can read our article on how women think about sex. Feeling like you’re forced to have sex with your husband is not a loving situation. As much as you may feel like it won’t help to talk about it again, having an upsetting conversation is better in the long run than not having the conversation at all. Even if it will hurt his feelings you need to express what you’re feeling in order to make intimacy healthy again.
One website that has helped me rediscover sexuality in an informed and spiritual way is http://www.IntimacyInMarriage.com, a blog by a conservative Christian wife/mom who struggled with lack of interest in the past.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. I love him very very much but I dont feel like having sex very often. Only once in a while. I like talking to him, watching a film together, doing things together but not having sex often. I dont show any interest to have sex, still when I kind of say that I dont want to, he says that he is always begging me (kind of mad) for it and then I feel bad about it and I go on with what he wants. At night he looks for me, when i am sleeping and for me it is terrible because I want to sleep, I work hard, I am tired. The more he insists, the less I want. I feel disrespected. I feel sometimes almost violated because i feel forced to, only to not hurt his feelings. I read that men feel loved by having sex so I then, accept to do it for that reason, as a chore, but I dont like that feeling. I have to talk to him about it. I did it once 4 years ago and it seemed to improve but here it comes again, looking for me all the time at night or at other times… It really makes me feel bad. I have notices that when he is stressed he wants more… so I feel forced to satisfy what he wants…
Hi Sonja, Barb may have some words to add to this as well but let me see if I can help you a bit. I appreciate your desire to follow what the Bible has to say about issues of life. It is so much more reliable than anything else and the best part is that when we look deeper into the Bible to answer the questions of life we get to know God better. The issue of divorce and remarriage is no exception. Since marriage has always been a reflection of the relationship that God has with His people, the more we understand what He says about marriage the better we understand the way He wants to relate to us.
You ask a great question: “How do I get forgiveness for this?” The answer is the same for anyone that has made a mistake: “if we confess our sins to Him [God], He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong.” (1John 1:9) It does not matter what we have done, Jesus death paid for all of our mistakes, our rebellion against God, our bad choices and our sin. “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8:1-2)
Another question that I think is implied in your question is: “How do I make this right now?” I think it is important for us to remember that God does have an ideal for marriage: “FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH [this is a quote from the first marriage in Genesis 2:24]; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9) These words of Jesus help us to realize what God’s ideal for marriage is. The closer we can get to this ideal the more in line we are with God’s plan for us. So for you Sonja, how close can you get to God’s ideal given your circumstances? That is something that God and you can work through together. Jesus said that the Holy Spirit is here to help lead us into all the things that He has commanded, “the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” (John 14:26) So you can trust the Holy Spirit to show you what is the best way to get as close to God’s ideal as possible in your situation.
Lord God, I pray for Sonja as she tries to deal with the realization that she has gotten away from your ideal for marriage. Lord I can tell she wants to do what is right, and I pray that Your Holy Spirit would help her to find out what that is. I pray that as she listens to Your Spirit she will not only be able to discern the right path but she will also grow closer to you. Thank You for Your forgiveness. Thank You for leading us into Your ways. Pour out Your blessing on Sonja as she seeks to know You better, amen.
Sonja, you can talk with one of our online mentors as well. They can help you figure out what the Spirit is saying to you. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor
Hi im a married woman that has four kids. I have alot going on in my life. My huband loves sex. But im not and i dont know what to do about it. I love him and i want to have sex but im just not that into it like he is. We have talked about this and nothing gets resolved so can anyone plz help me. Thanks
Barb,
I am searching for answers, according to scripture. I am divorced and remarried. but have recently been told that my remarriage was a mistake. that once we are divorced we are to stay single we are either to remarry the one we were married to. (according to first corinthians.) now I’m confused. How do I get forgiveness for this?
Dear Marcus;
I’m so sorry to hear about the struggle you’re both having, and appreciate your honesty as you seek God’s direction for you and your wife. Although you suggest that according to your wife she has already dealt with the past, it concerns me that she doesn’t want to discuss it at all, or wants to explore what the cause of her disinterest may be. If you’ve already explored physical reasons for her lack of desire–i.e. hormonal levels, depression, prescription medications, thyroid levels, etc. and none of these pertain to her, than I would really encourage you to get my Kiss Me Again book and go through the book together, doing the exercises. It’s possible that there are still some things that God wants to heal in her from her past. In addition to breaking the bonds from the past, God also wants to heal any wounding she’s had from her past experiences, reverse the lies she ingrained from the past with His truth, and allow her to grieve any of the losses she’s never grieved from her past. Also, if you had sex together before you were married, you both need to sever that bond you created outside marriage. I also address why that can impact a woman’s desire in marriage in Kiss Me Again. Without knowing more, I can’t tell you what the problem is, but God knows. The book will allow you both to ask God to show you what the source of her struggle is and begin the healing process for her and your marriage. If she’s not willing to read it, than I suggest you read it, and allow God to speak to you through it. Just know that you’re not alone. And I can offer you hope that God can restore this in your marriage…He’s done it in my life and in countless other people’s lives. Just don’t give up hope, and pray that your wife will be willing to let God completely heal her of whatever she may still be holding on to.
Blessings, Barb
Barbara,
My wife and I love each other very much. I found your article as I was searching for an answer to the question my wife had, of why it is that she doesn’t like sex. (Yes this is a question she had, and not one that I am just curious about.) She had some sexual relationships in the past, and, before we were married she had already taken the steps that you suggested. She acknowledged what had happened, talked to someone about it, talked to me about it as well, severed the relationships, and prayed for forgiveness and a renewal of her life. She felt that in time she stopped feeling the majority of the pain for these things, though at times she is still confronted with simply the memory and regret that they happened. We are happily married. We love eachother very much. She however, does not want to have sex. At times, when we do, she and I both enjoy it. But she does get frustrated and tells me that she doesn’t ever want to do it, even though she likes it when we do and she hates that she doesn’t want to and doesn’t know why. She does not like to address it OR talk about it either. I let her approach it if we ever do talk about it, though she quickly will end the conversation as for some reason it upsets her. I try to do all I can every day. I clean, I help with our one child, I say kind words to her and support her in all that she does. I have never responded to anything on the internet like this. But this is so important to me. Your article seemed to describe all that is happening with us. Yet she has taken these steps and we are where we are. I love my wife and would stay with her till the end if we couldn’t have sex for the rest of our lives, though, as it is such a large part of how I feel that she loves me…I would much rather be having it. I know that at times she wants to have sex because she feels like she should to be a good wife, or that no man should have to go so long without sex, but call me crazy, I just don’t feel good about doing that if she is going about it like it is a chore or a duty. I just want her to want me, to want to. I have researched extensively, I have tried new things, I have tried romance, foreplay, kissing, talking sweetly, talking dirty, making sure I am not turning her off throughout the day with gross habits, making sure the house smells good. I don’t know what else I can do. I have been searching for a number of years now. I want to help myself feel better yes, but I want her to be able to feel better about it too. She shouldn’t have to feel confused at why she doesn’t want to. I don’t know if it is from her past, she says it’s not and she never thinks about the past relationships when she is with me as she feels forgiven. What can I do? What can she do? I know it’s putting a lot on your shoulders as I haven’t even really officially MET you, but please, we could really use some help.
Thanks for sharing your heart here Vicki. Have you and your husband talked through some of this together? Have you been able to effectively communicate your dislike of sex? Have you explored together how to create an environment that heightens your sexual emotions? Have you found any books that address your struggles?
I get the sense from your post that you would like to have a more positive sexual experience. That sure helps. Dr Kevin Leman has written a number of books that talk about enhancing the sexual experience. “Sheet Music”, “Under the Sheets”, and “Sex Begins in the Kitchen”. It is material I recommend that you and your husband read through and discuss how you can work together at creating a more positive sexual experience. I am pretty sure he’ll be on board :)
You are correct – your article started off great: many women wish to desire and have wonderful sexual relations with their partner. Sexual understanding and awareness is important. My husband is the only man I have ever been with – my past may have included one or two men I have kissed – but nothing more… let alone experienced anything that could be considered desire. After eight years of marriage I realize I am unable to ‘understand’ what it is to want sex or desire my husband. My husband is my best friend and partner for life and I love him more today than the day I married him… but to want sex/sexual experiences (as I fall into the category as passive participant) is foreign to me. I believe allowing ones self to fantasy about sexual relations to allow the spark of desire (that ‘rush’, passion, and body response) may help those like me in the same situation. The lack of physical response only adds to the dislike of sex…
I feel like it’s a catch 22: I wanted to save myself for my husband and assumed we would together discover the sexual/intimacy between us. Now – years later and evaluating myself and realizing that I feel this way, I can’t help but wonder if I was too hard on myself in regards to allowing my own drive/natural responses to occur. I ignored my sexual development (to keep anything from happening prior to marriage) and as a result, may have limited my understanding forever of a healthy sexual relationship.
Don’t get me wrong: I am not suggesting affair/exploring outside of marriage… simply to allow oneself to ‘feel’ and have those sparks of interest. I am hoping to encourage myself (as it is ‘work’ to start off with… and I hope it becomes natural in the future) to concentrate on my physical response and giving myself the ability to actively respond to my husband (using fantasy and taking the response I feel and applying it to my husband).
I’m glad I waited for marriage… I just realize it has limited my understanding as I limited myself to save myself for marriage.
As i mentioned before that sex is part of life. If you have been violated than it is not easy to particpate when one is married. I want to pray for you.
Dear Father God. I lift all ladies that are going through this situation in the lives that You will heal them and give them your peace that You love to give to others. In Jesus mightyName amen.
Hi JD, I am so sorry that you and your husband have gone through such a difficult time. Why is sex not your thing? Does sex hurt you? Is your dislike of sex a response from something that has happened in your past? There can be many different reasons for your reluctance for sexual intimacy with your husband and it is important for you to discover the reason and fins some way to deal with it. Sexual intimacy is a valuable component of marriage and when it is absent from a relationship, it can be very damaging.
God created humanity with a need for sex as a natural, healthy part of marriage. In the Bible He instructs, “The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations.” (1Corinthians 7:3-5) God has intended for sex to be a natural and essential part of marriage.
If you find sex painful you can talk to your doctor and ask to discover if there is a way to relieve that. If your reluctance stems from another issue you could talk to a counsellor and discover ways to get past your resistance. You can also connect with one of our online mentors who can help you as you try to discover the path to a healthy vibrant sexual relationship with your husband. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Sheri, forgiveness is such an essential component of marriage. Both you and your husband do hurtful things and those need to be dealt with. But unforgiveness also wears away at trust and will undermine the foundation that your marriage is built on. Has your husband maintained his faithfulness to you in your marriage? Then if you wish to continue in your marriage and make it a healthy one, you need to let that hurt go and forgive.
There is a video I just saw that tells the story of a couple who experienced forgiveness through Jesus which led to forgiveness for each other http://powertochange.com/blogposts/2011/07/29/the-scruggs/
I know that is a hard message to receive and probably a harder one to live out. I want to tell you that Jesus can teach you what forgiveness means and help you to give your husband and yourself the gift of forgiveness. He set the example of forgiveness when He offered His life for the forgiveness of our rebellion against God. As we look to Him and receive His forgiveness in our lives, He then can help us forgive those who have hurt us. Including your husband.
Good article. My question is. How do you heal when your husband has been one of the relationships that has broken the bond? As fiances my husband and I lived a distance apart for about 1 year. During this time he started a new realationship that I did not find out about until we married. THis is a huge struggle for me now. Even though we get along I have a very difficult time healing this hurt and being emotionally and sexually connected with him.
Thank you for your article it has help me understand even myself more because my husband we had always had fights when it comes to sex and me i realy dont like it.At first i was not staying with him,but after we got married staying together and got a baby his 2years now.Things didnt or was not that good ok between me and my husband.I im just not that in to sex and he is my first boyfriend turn to be my husband now.He kept complaning what his doing wrong why am i not giving me in bed.It hurts me because i really dont like sex i told him he understood but when we got married moved in together it was not ok.Like now i moved back to my parents because he left me with our child and i really dont know how to overcome or just do this sex thing.Like i said sex is just not my thing and the other thing that iv seen in my hubby he left me for another womane.And also i think its me that made him like that because his not getting it from home.Im so worried that im only 25years and i cant get my marraige life together just because of the sex problem im having.Like now my husband is out there not sure were his staying also i think communication is a big problem with us,his that Zulu culture tipe.At times we did talk about things but things just got more low and low.
Guys please help me im not sure what or were i should go.
please help me i dont know were to go for help
I agree that with what Barbra is saying however many times there are misconceptions that a man is having an affair, or that there is something physically wrong with the man. I have found that many times it has more to do with Psychological. The biggest question is how do you deal with the issue of what is occurring. One of the things that I do is if there is a challenge even if it is of a sexual nature that I pray and ask Christ through the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what is happening. Many times we rely on our own to try to figure out what is happening. If we pray earnestly and ask Christ to forgive any sins we have in our lives and ask the Holy Spirit to fill us and then read the Bible and the Holy Spirit will show us what is relevant as the words will jump out at us. This will give you the insight to deal with the issue then sit down with him and discuss with him what the issues are and be very real and honest. Tell him this is what you feel and the reasons why and pray with him before you discuss the issue. Then when you focus on Christ and asking the Holy Spirit to prompt him to tell you what the issue is then you can deal with the problem. When you shed light on what is happening and the truth comes out then he will be free. Until he tells you what the problem is then it is just guessing however Christ can and will show you.
Dear Real Truth;
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles in your marriage. You’re not alone, in about 20% of marriages, its the man who has low desire for sex. First, I would encourage him to get his testosterone levels checked. I’ve found in some cases, when a man’s testosterone levels are returned to normal levels, his libido returns. Its always good to check into the physical conditions first. If his levels are fine, and there’s no other physical reason for him to have a low libido–(i.e., is he on anti-depressents? prescription pain medication? Is he depressed, or experiencing chronic or extreme levels of stress? Or does he have chronic pain?), than it could be other factors. These are some reasons men may have a low libido, or appear to: he’s had sexual abuse as a child or young adult, he has in the past or currently involved with pornography. He is getting sex somewhere else, either masturbating, or seeing prostitutes or having an affair. I realize these are difficult things to think about or discuss, but although I acknowledge there are always exceptions, generally a healthy, young man with a healthy libido, should want sex more often than 1-2 times a month. It would be more appropriate to want it 2-3 times a week, or even more. I just pray that this allows you to open the discussion with him to find out what is at the root cause of his struggle. Let me know if I can be of more help.
PS: I also suggest you be checked for a physical condition regarding your pain during intercourse. There are usually physical reasons for vaginal pain.
Blessings, Barb
@RealTruth he may be having extramarital activity. Start snooping!
This article is encouraging and gives hope, however, what if sexual compatability is the issue. I haven’t lost my desire for my husband and want him just as much today as I did the day I maarried him. We waited for marrieage to feely have sex, althoguh he often tried to take things where they shouldn’t go. I imagined we’d make love throughout the night and often because of his constant chase, however, that has not been true. My husband is not a large guy nor is he small but some how he causes me pain rather than pleasure. I usually don’t indicate it and pretend to enjoy him. When he does’t hurt me and is mostly satisfying I praise him and xplicitly tell him what’s good and how much I love and want him more. However, he rarely attempts to fulfill my cravings because he has a low labido and we rarely have sex (frequency: once or twice a month).
I have asked him to seek medical attention but he won’t and just gives excuses for his low labido by making me the problem saying that “because I work, he doesn’t want to make me too tired” and sometimes I am tired but always have told him and shown him that I want him regardless. I belive in giving myself to him despite my experience with him because God’s word teaches that our bodies belong to our husbands and husbands to their wives.
I am not giving into temptation but feel myself constantly wishing for better compatability, at least, so that I can enjoy him whenever we are together. You know, constantly, it is said that size doesn’t matter. Well, I believe it is impacting my relationship with my husband and so does shape and use. I no longer know what to do. I am feeling rejected and lonely. I am beginning to wish had not married my husband. I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to displease God.
Sex. Alot is talked about it before marriage or after. God created it for people who want to have a relationship together. I was once married and i also did not want to particpate in it even though we did have sex. I was also raised that you wait until you are married by my parents. It also say in scripture that you wait until you are married. I now as a single person do not any diesire to be with a male. I am satisfied that I am single and instead have a personal realtionship to my Lord.
This is a great article…. thanks for providing some insight into the different ways men and women process their intimate feelings. Also, for the explanation of how bonding works, on a sexual level, as related to our past.