5 Facebook Fights in Marriage

Written by K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky

Kids. Sex. Money. According to therapists, these are the most common topics married couples argue about.  After recently talking with a number of counselors and clergy about common marriage problems they’re dealing with, Facebook should be added to that list.  In fact, Facebook is one of the most popular relationship conflicts for today’s married couples.

Why would that be? With over 400-million users, Facebook has become the preferred communication vehicle for connecting with friends and family, and has quickly integrated into the daily routines of adults of all ages. In its wake, many spouses are grappling to keep up with their feelings towards their mates’ rate of reconnected relationships, degrees of convenience connecting to the online social network, and their level of devotion to the website.

In fact, based off the research for our book, Facebook and Your Marriage (which included personal interviews with Facebookers, conversations with therapists, surveying many blogs and websites, and reading the dozens and dozens of comments on Facebook) we’ve discovered that when a spouse says “Facebook is an issue in my marriage,” it is a cry for help without an understanding of what the real problem is.

They mistakenly blame the website when it is most likely one of these five common Facebooking issues.

#1) Time spent on Facebook
Users spend over 500 billion minutes a month on Facebook. (That’s just short of a million years!) Whether they’re playing Mafia Wars or Farmville, corresponding with people or browsing profiles, the amount of time spent ON Facebook is often viewed as time spent AWAY from the family. And for some, they lose all track of time. Too much Facebook attention can create face-to-face tension between a husband and wife.

#2) Facebook Friends
The average user has 130 Facebook Friends. While the master computers at Facebook try to identify connections between users due to common interests, related friends, and past experiences, it is up to the user to “accept” or “decline” a Friend Request. Married Facebookers can unknowingly create a “situation” with their spouse by friending ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, old flames, former crushes, or past love interests. Other problem Facebook Friends include: a nosy in-law or parent, a wacky family member, a friend who is a bad influence, or a toxic co-worker. All of whom, because they’re online friends with one spouse can affect the real-time life of the other spouse.

#3) Facebook etiquette
Not only is Facebook the largest and fastest growing online social network, it is also the most active with half of all users logging in at least once a day. With so many people passing on so much information at such a rapid pace, many can find themselves regretting or second guessing an update or comment they made for the world to see. Some married people forget that the rant against a spouse, the complaint about their marriage, or putting down their mate in an update can create a tense situation on and off of Facebook.

#4) Facebook updates and comments
On average, users create 70 pieces of content on Facebook per month (updates, uploaded pictures, comments, etc). This opens the door for miscommunication, misreading a comment, inappropriate interactions, and more. For married Facebookers who write border-line comments, offer “TMI” on updates, or chat with questionable friends it can create problems on the home front with an embarrassed, hurt or angry spouse.

#5) Discussions about Facebook
For many of those over the age of thirty, this is their first time ever being a part of an online social network. The feelings of uncertainty and anxiety are fairly normal and valid as they try to understand how to operate and function in a 24/7 online community. If they’re married, they are also viewing what their spouse is doing on Facebook. Any expressed concerns about friends, comments, or communications may be quickly dismissed by the other spouse with, “it’s only Facebook,”, “it’s just a website,” or “it’s not real, I’m just having fun.”

With these common Facebooking issues, the sooner couples learn how to talk about setting up boundaries and using common sense in this social media age, the better off they will be. Especially since being a part of an online social network is not going away anytime soon…or ever.

Our new book, Facebook and Your Marriage, combines our Facebook experiences, marriage education training, and fifteen years of marriage to help couples handle all five of these Facebook-related arguments.

Here’s how Facebook and Your Marriage can help:

#1) Time-saving tips, time-balancing input, and a framework on how to talk about time spent on Facebook and set boundaries without turning it into a lengthy, never ending argument.

#2) Insightful input on sending and accepting Friend Requests and how to set up boundaries surrounding Facebook Friends to protect marriages from potential problems including high-maintenance people or the chances for an emotional affair!

#3) Basic rules for (online) civility and practical ideas for couples to create their own Facebook etiquette so that both husband and wife can decide what is and is not acceptable to post on Facebook!

#4) All sides of the issues related to public and private correspondences, as well as no-nonsense advice on what should and should not be written in updates and comments!

#5) Successful tools and skills that work so couples can have discussions about online issues, share concerns, and talk about their relationship so both sides are heard, understood and everyone wins!

Facebook and Your Marriage reads like a series of online discussion boards in book form, making it easier for couples to find answers to over 120 common questions and issues ranging from Facebook basics to marriage stressors!

Hopefully, Facebook and Your Marriage can help bring peace between husbands and wives…on Facebook and at home.

Buy the Book here:

http://store.powertochange.org/p-392-facebook-and-your-marriage.aspx

 

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45 Responses to “5 Facebook Fights in Marriage”

  • Aldo says:

    Hellen, thank you for your gracious comments about the article. If you would like to chat one on one with someone further, please click on the Talk to a mentor button at the left bottom of this page.

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  • Elkay says:

    Latonya, thank you for your positive comment and we are pleased this site has been helpful. You probably noticed that Facebook primarily presents hazards to successful marriages for the various reasons listed. So if you are married and do use Facebook, in addition to following the 5 suggestions, please consider posting only “God-honoring-marriage & family” comments and images. Jesus told us to “Seek first the Kingdom of God” and this is what we should strive for in all that we do, especially in social media.

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Felica, Welcome to the site. Glad you are finding it helpful. Have you looked at any other stuff? I hope so because there are some really excellent articles and most of them are as helpful as this one. I wonder why you found it helpful. maybe you would like to tell us. We would be delighted to hear what more you have to say; Kathryn

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    His Sheila, I am wondering who you wanted to communicate your message to. Is it me or someone else? I do not visit the site every day, just when I al alerted to a post.Is there anything else you would like to add? Please feel free,

  • Shelia Conti says:

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  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi Veronique, Glad you found the web page helpful. Have you checked out some of our other resources? Also we have a chat room and a Bible study online. Alternatively, if you feel like one to one mentoring, there is a button at the top right hand of this page where it says ” Talk to a mentor” click on that and tell them you want to do some studies and they will put you in touch with a study mentor. Bless you Veronique and thanks for taking the trouble to write and endorse us. Kathryn

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi Czas, Thanks for your comment. I’m a bit in the dark about what you are trying to share with us but appreciate the fact that you have contributed. Thanks Tommie too for your comment. It makes me sad to think that our enemy, satan is always thinking up ways to derail our relationships and mostly marriages as that is what keeps a society stable. Good, solid marriages built on love and on God’s word. So many young lives are ruined besides the grief caused to others when marriages become so fragile that people find it impossible to seek reconciliation. Don’t let’s just blame Facebook and other external factors. Often the root cause is selfishness and a desire to do our own thing. The Bible calls it SIN. Thank God there is a solution though. Acknowledge our sin, repent and seek His forgiveness and the new life that knowing Christ brings. Please comment if you would like to follow this up.

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  • Aldo says:

    Kristie, I’m a believer in the fact that nothing happens by accident. So, what you think occurred accidentally, actually turned out to be a blessing of the Lord for you.

    There are many other helps on the powertochange.com websites. Also, if you would like to chat with someone one on one, click on the Talk to a mentor button at the top right of this page. A mentor will be happy to discuss any questions which you may have.

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  • Aldo says:

    Madonna Sweeney, thank you for your praise of the article, and your comment on telling your friends about it. I, like you, believe that they can be greatly benefited by it. Keep up the good work.

  • Sharon says:

    to Shona i am glad you think this is a good piece of writing on this subject– sharon

  • Shona Hanson says:

    Hi there mates, its wonderful piece of writing concerning teachingand entirely explained, keep it up all the time.

  • Elkay says:

    Banga, we are pleased to hear about your benefiting from this article.The marriage relationship is the highest of all human relationships. It can be a complete sharing of heart and soul, mind and body, or it can be simply a living arrangement of co-existence. Most marriages are somewhere in between.

    Any marriage can benefit from implementing some new or re-sharpened tools to move deliberately in building into a growing relationship. Remember you are a team and if you forget you are on the same team and begin to compete with each other, no one wins.

    Instead of Facebook, time spent together doing things affords a connection opportunity. History together is built one event at a time. Make sure you are inputting positive events that build a positive archive. Plan dates. A movie night, dinner out, or even a coffee date is a good way to keep a marriage alive and well!

  • Chris says:

    dawn…sorry to hear of your situation….normally in life, when our horizontal relationships like marriage and family are not functioning correctly its because our vertical relationship with God is also out of wack. in your case, your husband is being a bit domineering with you and most likely its because he either doesnt have a secure relationship with jesus christ or is distant from him which is affecting you as well. our relationship with God or lack thereof will always affect those around us. first, be sure that you yourself have a personal relationship with jesus by grace through faith so that you can have the peace you need to live with or without facebook. the key is to be able to live content in this world with God alone since he is the only one we will have when we leave here. for more information on doing that log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above if you have never received jesus before into your heart. as you do then you can communicate your faith to your husband and see how God can change and mold his life as well into the loving husband and person God wants him to be. jesus has the answers you need as you look to him for them. praying for jesus peace upon you now, in his great name, amen

  • Dawn says:

    My husband hates FB. We argue all the time because he is a private person and doesn’t feel I should post pics and family events. I limit my FB use and rarely post anything. I mainly read others posts and look at pictures. There is nothing shady about any of my friends and I definately unfriend anyone that is negative or uses profanity. Yet he still has an issue and would LOVE for me to delete my FB account. I feel there is no winning because he is NOT a fan of any form Social Media so there is NO compromise on his part. I don’t want it to be an issue in our marriage and don’t know what an equal solution would be…sigh

  • Elkay says:

    Chana and Kendra, not sure how your blogs related to Facebook activity but certainly having grown up in Sao Paulo, Senna often spoke out against the sheer divide between the country’s rich and poor. Senna’s concern for Brazil’s poor saw him establish the Ayrton Senna Institute which aims to bring Brazilian children out of poverty in cooperation with business, government and NGOs. Senna’s sister said her brother was equally determined in his racing as he was in wanting “to achieve something for Brazil”. That is an admirable attitude and reminds one of John F. Kennedy’s 1961 Inaugural Address, “My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

  • dream says:

    I stopped using Facebook because if I commented on something some people understood it differently that I mentioned it and problem came. And God told me that satan uses Facebook like “pride of life!”

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi Lacey, This is meant mainly for you. I use facebook too. It’s mainly because I have 2 daughters who live abroad and it is a good and cheap way of contacting them but actually I hate what it does to people if used constantly. So I use it sparingly and only have very special (to me) people. The article is excellent and they even suggest reading a book. It looks like you could really do with speaking to a personal mentor to get some reassurance and encouragement about your situation. Have you thought about that? If you go to the top of the page you will see on the right hand side “talk to a mentor”. If you click on that you will be able to sign up for a mentor (free!) and get some support. I do trust you will think about it Lacey before things go too far. Blessings, Kathryn

  • Lacey says:

    So, I have a question. The facebook topic has come up in my 6 month old relationship. We live together. No signs or concerns of cheating whatsoever….My concern is….The amount of time he spends on Facebook. We both work daylight hours, where we can be on our phones. Which usually involved texting each other through out the day. You can see he’s on facebook when it says “active now” When he comes home, he’ll make a comment here and there about how facebook is so boring, and there is never anything really good on it anymore. Why am I upset? The other day we were having a heated discussion, about a totally different topic. The discussion lasted all night really….In the middle of the discussion, he “liked” something on facebook, and then made a comment on a post in a group while we were talking. That upset me. When I confronted him about the situation, he said he just didn’t like being cornered, and tried to avoid confrontation. To me, it felt like a slap in my face. I wasn’t being taken seriously and facebook won. The other day, (another example) He comes home from work, we get ready to go out to eat, and he wants me to drive. I start to drive, hes on facebook. And we are in dead silence. It makes me feel as if I am not interesting to him. Like, He has nothing to say to me. He doesnt participate with facebook….comments or posts really. Comments, he’ll make if I post something about him…but nothing else. Am I crazy? Why do I feel like facebook is the devil here?

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    heather,
    You are so right in saying that problems can happen to innocent people on Facebook when they don’t realize what they are getting into it. We all need to be aware of what we share, who we share it with, and what we engage in online, and not just on Facebook.

    The flip side is that Facebook can be a powerful tool to share things with multiple people or get the word out about newsworthy events. A good question for us as Christ followers to always ask is ‘What would Jesus do?’ in this situation.

  • heather says:

    it saddens my heart that all these problems appear when we are just innocent victims on this facebook site for whatever reason we enjoy reading and having friends we are human. Some people might use it for different reasons or maybe it just gets out of control. If you are in a bad relationship and go on facebook it could cause a threat so I don’t really know what the answer is maybe stop and shut down your account your life will still go on and maybe you saved your relationship that should be your priority. I think as a Christian you should pray for protection everytime u go on and watch what u say it could come back to you and pray for forgiveness of others. it could be a dangerous weapon. I know as a Christian I have made a lot of mistakes on facebook as I am kind of naïve and it has come back to haunt me so I am very careful who I add and what I say and delete if I made a mistake. I just pray jesus that facebook can be a healthy tool not a cruel tool or a weapon to hurt others jesus would not approve of it. May god be with each and everyone. Blessings and love for Jesus only..AMEN

  • Chris says:

    Lynn…sorry to hear of your situation…its really so important in our personal relationships that we include God in them so that he can direct us to the right person in life. otherwise, the struggles, conflicts and spiteful conduct you are mentioning will only escalate during marriage which is why 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. i pray that you would let jesus open your eyes to your lifes situation and let him become your personal lord and savior so you can help your friend to receive him also and end this barrage of insults and lack of respect and begin a new life through christ. log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to begin your new life today. i pray that you would!!

  • Lynn says:

    My boyfriend and i live together and tell each other we wana spend the rest of our lives together. But our recent fight was about fb friends. Ppl we used to talk to blah blah blah. We compromised and said we would delete them off our fb which we did, but i had a friend still on snapchat who i totally forgot about. Long story short, I accidently got drunk one night with my boyfriend at the club and we fought which got my very upset. Next thing i know i was dancing with this man who used to be a texting buddy. My boyfriend claims i cheated on him and was very upset that i still had him on snapchat. He then decided to block me off all social media thinking this is healthier for us. Also wanting to add his “friends” back. Is this healthy?

  • Susan says:

    Hi Lila,

    How are you? How is your husband now?

  • Susan says:

    Hi Sandy,

    Yes, if husband and wife are faithful to each other then this (what you said)will work. Like you mentioned, I should not be ashamed to share my account with my partner. But, we have to be always alert because this(FB) is a great door for good and bad.

  • Susan says:

    Hi Urban,

    You are right. But, if we use FB for the glory of God like posting devotions, encouraging others, pray for oen another etc. then great. Otherwise, we have to be careful.

    God bless you!

  • Susan says:

    Hi Samantha,

    I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Actually, even I am not very comfortable with this. If we use this for the glory of God then it’s fine. Otherwise, face book can ruin families and relations.

    Samantha, the best part is pray about it. Tell God about this. Only God can change your husband.

    Let’s pray:

    Dear Father God,

    We thank You so much for this time. Lord, I commit Samantha’s husband in Your hand. Lord, if he continue like this then this affect their family life. Lord, please I ask for Your mercy. Lord, change Samantha’s husband. Help him to realize what he is doing and stop spending time with face book. Lord, I pray that You protect this marriage. Strengthen Samantha. Help her to focus on You. Thank You for hearing our prayers. In Jesus’ name, Amen

  • Susan says:

    Hi Chris,

    I do agree with you. If you don’t the face book for good purpose then this really ruin families, marriages etc..

    I am sorry to hear about your wife. Chris, why don’t you try and speak to her about this?

    Dear Father,

    I commit Chris marriage into You hand. Lord, I pray that You protect this marriage. I pray that You draw both of them closer to You. I pray for his wife. Lord, help her to understand the fact and spend time with her husband. Thank You for hearing our prayers. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  • Marlene says:

    I think they should have a web were we can ask face book to take these woman and men completely from all sites because this is terrible the way they carry on,it’s a shame to see what’s happening,think off all Margie’s and children’s lives that get ruined ,please they sick and skelm .and you can’t report them keep face book clean and blok all these common thing that uses this for playing around in the day

  • Sharon says:

    it is a good topic to know about and think about.

  • Chris says:

    This is a good article, but unfortunately my wife will not see the brighter side of this article. She is obsessed with facebook, obsessed with posting pictures of herself and waiting for MEN to like or comment, she denies it completely, but I wasn’t BORN yesterday. I posted some pics of myself and she got upset, I compromised and took them down to make her happy, on the other hand, she won’t do that for me, which depresses me completely… I feel like she is having an emotional affair on facebook, especially now that you can delete conversations and messages. I HATE FACEBOOK, it has ruined my marriage completely!!

  • Sharon says:

    to renisha it is a good topic, it is nice to see, very refreshing. thank you k jason and kelli krafsky for this article God bless you both

  • Kate says:

    Hi Samantha,

    I was just thinking about this sort of thing yesterday. A lot of simple things, like facebook, food, exercise and so on, can be very seriously abused if we do not acknowledge that they are a temptation to us. The point is not whether I can come up with excuses, or whether lots of other people have excuses too – the point is that I have to recognize when I am crossing the line, allowing something that can be good to turn into a weapon against me, sucking me in a downward spiral.

    To be responsible, I have to admit that I am vulnerable. When I let down the walls in one area, and make excuses in one area, then other healthy boundaries begin disintegrating too. It is when we are in precisely this position that we most resent being questioned — we know that we have compromised ourselves, but we don’t want to confess it, be clean of it, receive mercy and grace, and start fresh. We don’t want to be accountable for our choices.

    So, what I would do – consider asking your husband to whom he is being accountable? Would the Lord approve of every choice he is making? Also, would he consider asking a mature Christian man to be his accountability partner, or join a small group? Confess to him that you have an area of weakness too, where you know that you are vulnerable to temptation and so you will take action to guard yourself in this area too — say, for example, keeping a food diary, or posting your bank/credit card statements on the fridge, having your own accountability group, so that you are being held accountable in your vulnerable or weak areas too.

    This is certainly not about attacking your spouse, it is about defending him. The enemy knows that when he can get a foothold, he can very quickly steal our blessings (joy, peace, faithfulness, goodness, kindness, mercy, patience, and so on) and even destroy our lives. Tell your husband that you know he loves you when he pulls you back onto the sidewalk because he sees a speeding car approaching — what you are doing is the same. Your heart is to protect him, and to know that he is also protecting himself against unhealthy relationships, from which only pain and distress will come.

    I want to pray for you now:

    Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for Samantha and her husband. Thank You for Your grace and mercy, and Your willingness to help us with ALL things. Father, I pray that You would soften Samantha’s heart so that she can speak softly and lovingly to her husband, I pray also that he would have ears to hear what Your Spirit is saying, and that they both would be doers of Your word, not just hearers. Father, I ask that You guard their marriage, guard them both from poor decisions, help them to turn back when they have gone astray, and teach them both to be the kind of marriage partners You have designed them to be. I pray that their relationship, including how they deal with this sensitive topic, would blossom and bear much fruit for Your glory. In Jesus’ holy name I pray. Amen.

    Blessings and grace upon grace to you Samantha!

    Kate

  • Samantha says:

    This was a great article! Facebook has caused a lot of stress in my marriage. I do not have a Facebook account because of all the issues which this article addressed. The number one concern I have is that it’s a time-waster. My husband on the other hand spends a lot of time on it. He gets upset whenever I ask him who he’s talking or what he’s looking at. These are questions I would not normally care to ask, except that when I start to notice that he’s been on it for a considerable amount of time.
    I have tried to express that I don’t feel comfortable with him having so many female friends and chatting with them, but he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. He also doesn’t see a point in having to answer when I ask him who he’s talking to or what he’s talking about. He thinks that it is none of my business.
    Anyways, it is not like I don’t trust him, but his behavior on Facebook is causing me not to want to trust him. It is also making me exhausted and feeling uneasy about his relationships. What to do? I don’t want to be a police officer or a patrol officer!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    So Lila do you think that the problem is Facebook or could there be other issues in your marriage and your husband’s use of Facebook is just a symptom of those issues? I think sometimes we spend so much energy dealing with symptoms and never get down to the real problems. You can get your husband to stop using FB by freaking out in the counsellor’s office but that is not going to fix the problems that have contributed to your husband’s use of FB. And if you do fix the underlying issues suddenly FB will no longer be an issue.

  • Lila says:

    it’s so true that facebook is damaging to relationships, my husband is semi-retired and spends probably 2-3 hours a day on facebook. I am still working full-tme and extremely frustrated at all this unproductive time he spends on the site. We have actually been to counselling over FB, but he acts as if he thinks I psycho and says that the counsellor just doesn’t get him. He has had inappropriate FB relationships that he promised he would end put didn’t until I freaked at the counsellor’s office. (our daughter that lives overseas even wondered what was going on with him, she was pretty embarrassed by all the flirting that was going on where everyone could see.) It’s now to a point where if I bring anything up or question a choice of his I get the silent treatment for days. This book seems perfect for me…but how can I reach him, I almost feel like going to an alanon meeting

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Oh interesting, in two comments we have two totally different sides of the issue – one wants total access, the other doesn’t even want to be friends. I think it’s important to remember how public Facebook is. If you wouldn’t say something about your husband in front of his boss, don’t say it in your Facebook status.

    I tend to agree more with Sandy, openness is a good way to ensure that there isn’t a hidden place for comments. At the same time, husbands and wives do need to have trusted confidants of the same gender that they can talk through issues with. Facebook status updates are not the place for that, but private Facebook messages might be. Much like TV and movies, each couple needs to decide for themselves what they will and will not allow into their home.

  • Urban Hermit says:

    I think married folks should not be friends on FB at all. I’ve been there, and it caused consistent problems. Somehow or the other, the state of your personal life always percolates down into FB for public display. Those in the know about the problems you’re facing can read between the lines easily enough, and jibes and unsolicited ‘advice’ follow. Also, there always seem to be exes waiting in the wings and raring to move in the minute they see trouble, ready with a ‘helpful’ hanky to wipe away the tears in heaven. In any case, one tends to get sick of the veiled taunts in the status updates when there’s a marital spat. I think married people should do their relationships a favor and block each other on FB instead of giving themselves one more club to hit each other over the head with – a spiked one in this case

  • sandy says:

    This is a good topic that is well needed. But just as you should be able to check your child’s accts, you and your spouse should know how to get into each others facebook account and email. why? you shouldn’t have anything there to be ashamed about. You might think of it as a way of sharing with each other. You should never have anything that you would be ashamed of your spouse seeing. This would also be smart in case anything happened to either of you. So I say either share an account or look at each others.

  • Brenda says:

    I agree, Renisha, that there are so many issues that Facebook can raise in a marriage! Sometimes we just do not think as a partner that we can be insensitive to our spouses feelings regarding how much time we spend sharing with friends, who those friends are, or if we are opening ourselves up to temptation that the Lord warns us to stay away from in His Word. This is a great article and a great warning for all of us to take into consideration. Thank you so much for your post, Renisha, for this great article, K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky! God bless you!

  • Renisha says:

    This is really a great topic…share with everyone you know.

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