Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

Written by Neal Black

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There’s a love that can fill the void of a sexless life.

I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, “Sex is volatile and it was meant to be.” For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, “what’s the use?”  This leads to some very common questions like:

Q:  My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me.  I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me.  I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?

A:  Don’t jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.

Wired differently

Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex.  It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. That’s the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the “bonding hormone”. That’s the chemical that makes them want to connect.  So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.

She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. “Hey we want connection!” I hear you say. Ya right!  We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.

So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed – I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, it’s mind boggling!

Part2:  Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

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208 Responses to “Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex”

  • Elkay says:

    Hi Jaime . . . you sound pretty desperate and I/we want to help if at all possible but without some more info on your “real bad situation” we cannot. It may well be that your situation is better addressed “in private” and we have trained and trusted mentors freely available whom you can communicate with in confidence via email. If you would like to try this approach, please click on the “Talk to a Mentor” button near the top right of this page, briefly tell us what’s going on and we will get back to you by email. Meanwhile, may God bless you today with exactly what you need today.

  • Jake says:

    Alan,

    Glad to hear you removed the obstacles keeping your from your happiness. Remember to take care of yourself and make yourself happy. Then one day you may be able to give that happiness to another….but first things first, and that is you.

  • Alan says:

    thank you for what you said Jake – I’ve not been around much – been rather poorly (years) – on the mend now – I used to spend a lot of time in bottles but not any more – I don’t smoke drink or have sex – what a clean living boy I am – I think I’ve served my sentence I’ve joined a couple of sites expressly to find women to have nsa sex with – I don’t want anything else – I do hope I’m successful

  • Jake says:

    Alan…I’m sorry bro. You deserve better. Your worth it, you are good, your important.

    Some seeds fall on the ground and new life take place…some don’t, the ground is too hard and just won’t accept the seed and it remain barren with no life.

    It’s been long enough…go and move forward and take care of yourself. Stop trying to seed a ground that will not, has not and will not accept your efforts at healing a hard ground.

  • jaime says:

    37 year old male..real bad situation..don’t think anyone has been throw what I’ve currently gone through
    since around 2009

    Pls msg me any men out there.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Ajay, not sure what you were trying to communicate but thanks for stopping by!

  • ajay says:

    Ok i am you heip

  • Aldo says:

    Alan, I see that Chris has responded to your email with some very good advise.

    It is true, that when you put God in the middle of your marriage and draw ever closer to Him, it will follow that you also grow closer to your spouse as well.

    God instituted marriage, and He is the One to Whom we look to keep it together.

    God created us (mankind) to have fellowship with Him. If we pursue that first, (“Seek first the kingdom of heaven…”), most likely then not, the other things in life fall into place.

    The only way we can have a “relationship” with God is through His son Jesus Christ. If you have never accepted and received Him as your Savior and Lord, you can do so now. Here is a suggested prayer. Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart.

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

    Alan, allow me to pray with you: Father God, thank You for Your love for Alan. A love so great it is unfathomable. Help him to grasp the magnitude of that love. Help him to comprehend the sacrifice You made for him in sending Your Son Jesus Christ to suffer and die for his sins, and the sins of all mankind. Lord, touch and melt his heart right now that he would desire that relationship with You through Your Son Jesus Christ, in whose Name I pray. Amen.

  • Alfred says:

    Dear WalkingDead, Dare we hope that you will together have some romantic moments during that cruse? We are such complicated beings, and sex is only a small part of all that, yet I must say it is a very important part.
    Let me give you an insight into our life as a couple: We’ve been married for 52 years, and during the last 15 – 20 there’s been a decline in frequency of sex, till it came to a halt about 5 years ago. That was because of surgery, after which she felt sex was painful. Yet I love my wife every bit as much now as ever, and I know she loves me! We’ve found different ways of showing love to one-another. Over the years I’ve learned to put greater value on Spiritual life which puts everything into perspective. I would even say that it is a blessing to be denied sex, in that it has led me closer to God, enabling me to find the more important life, namely eternal life! Though I basically felt I had “salvation”, I am blessed at having been drawn closer to God.
    That leads to ask, “How is your Spiritual walk?” Life is a journey during which God gives us opportunities to find Him. Our moment of salvation is the beginning, and after that there is the never-ending process of sanctification. I’m glad I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I can rest assured that whatever trials and difficulties will come, God is able to give me the faith, courage and possibly wisdom to lead me through them! To Him be the glory!

  • Robie says:

    WalkingDead,

    Is there something I am not understanding here? Did you say that you have not had sex in 9.5 years but you have been married less than 6 months?? What happened the previous 9 years and why did you get married if this was the case and you were no happy with the situation?
    I am hoping you will respond back that I misread the timelines.

  • WalkingDead says:

    9.5 years no sex.. i don’t even ask anymore. I just work and she spends my paycheques, we’re married <6 months and I wonder how long until something will happen and I will die. Our honeymoon is this week, mediterranean cruise. I almost care.

  • Alec says:

    Gentlemen, I don’t believe you can change a woman’s sex drive or desire to have frequent or even semi-normal sex if she’s used to not wanting that. They will say all the right things and then a couple months later you are back at square-one, not even worth bringing it up after years of that. It is what it is. So continue to take care of yourself like a teenage cheese d**k and accept the punishment that life has assigned to you, or be the stooge always asking permission for sex and getting turned down at a 95% rate, or commit a Moses on the Mount kinda sin; each of these decisions sucks. Grin and bare it, man up and get over it.

  • Chris says:

    alan…so sorry to hear of your situation. we know that life can be full of challenges for both husband and wife especially as the years go by, there can be a melancholy or even depression that tries to set into a persons life either through personal problems, loss of loved ones to death and/or health problems, lack of energy, vigor and vitality. i would pray that you would take those things into consideration as far as your wife is concerned and by praying with her and seeing how you can be a spiritual and emotional help to her, she just may respond more lovingly to you. the bible tells us that love is of God. as we draw near to God for more true love for him and our spouses, marvelous things can happen within our marriages and families. who wouldnt want a better marriage but we also need to ask ourselves, do we want a closer relationship to God through christ because the two are inter-related you see. if you would like more information on how to know jesus more personally log onto…knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. focusonthefamily.com also has helpful insights to better your relationship with your wife also, independent of what she does or doesnt do…i pray now jesus would give you of his grace to receive of his love so that by being connected to him who is true love, your love will flow to your wife through christ and that in giving, you will receive in jesus name. amen!

  • ALAN says:

    Its been some time since I last emailed – I do read all the mails – my situation hasn’t changed one iota – no attempt just to put an arm across me – give ME a kiss and a cuddle. I thought women wanted sex – I obviously do nothing for her – and frankly she does nothing for me anymore. It’s sad – It’s not like you think it’ll be when you’re younger – bonding – affection – sexual fun. It’s all I want – and I know I’ll never have it. I’ve noticed no one replies to my emails – I feel like a lost cause – those lids keep coming off those bottles. I don’t know what to do.

  • ALAN says:

    Its been some time since I last emailed – I do read all the mails – my situation hasn’t changed one iota – no attempt just to put an arm across me – give ME a kiss and a cuddle. I thought women wanted sex – I obviously do nothing for her – and frankly she does nothing for me anymore. It’s sad – It’s not like you think it’ll be when you’re younger – bonding – affection – sexual fun.

  • J says:

    Hi guys , I am in a similar boat as you in regards to the sex life and I’m in my 30’s it seems that the women In Your life seem to think they own you. I am not encouraging u to disrespect them. I am making a point of doing all the stuff I would normally do when I was single. Going fishing whenever I want, surfing etc, spend you money on you hobbies not your women bro. the way I see it is if she want to be part of my life she will join in in some way if not, too sad for her! If she asks oh where are you going I say ‘you are more than welcome to come with me Hun’ if she has attitude with me she doesn’t know it but I really don’t care and in my head I’m thinking you are a joke. Look the day she wants to be a part of my life I will be like, yeah no worries, but making me feel bad about stuff and not giving me any affection. She can jam that right up her back side, I’m going fishing! Lol. I’ve had the suicidal thoughts like some of you, But she no longer has the right to know these things, my secrets. I am a closed book and all she is reading is the cover. I’m sorry to read your stories, Be careful and not degrade her or disrespect her the reason is because you are better than that.

  • Robie says:

    Flower, I must first say that I could not imagine denying my wife. I am truly sorry for your situation. You are right. It does put one in a position of temptation simply because you are so starved and deprived of the physical need and there is no reason to be in that position. We have do a everything right. I do more than most men when it comes to helping out with chores, I am the only cook, I work 60-70 hours a week, I run our kids around town, and still remind her that I find her attractive by comments etc. it gets to a point, unfortunately, that you crave or even ache for reciprocation or even acknowledgement. When you get the slightest interest from another, it is flattering and you like it and know for yourself it is innocent enough. That is where the slippery slope comes in to play. I truly believe it becomes like an addiction; but not really an addiction, because in my mind I feel as though we are programmed to need intimacy. In that regard it is like you sayin that you are “addicted” to any of the elements that we need to ingest in order for us to remain healthy.
    I simply do not understand why or even how some people can go without. Furthermore, I cannot understand how you can claim to love your spouse and deny them one of the most basic reasons for getting married. I have friends but I don’t have sex with them. I can and have had roommates but haven’t had sex with them either. Those are what separate us with marriage. We form a union and the union is based on sex like it or not. If I were to have a marriage ceremony but not consummate it by having sex then the marriage could be null and void. That alone gives me reason to rationalize how important the process of lovemaking is to the marriage partnership.

  • flower says:

    Robin I know what you mean.I think its evil trick, because sex in marriage is holy and evil wants to destroy it. I have relationship with Jesus and think heavenly things too, but why should I deny sex in marriage if it’s allowed there? I know we are spiritual first but I am still living in my body and laying down next to my husband every night whom I love and we can have sex and he is rejecting me? It hurts my deepest being and effects my life. Partners who reject their partner in bed they are putting them in temptation. I am so much tempted now when my husband is rejecting me. But I still believe that Jesus has the answer for it and I have hope.

  • Robie says:

    Alec, it looks like our stories are fairly similar. My wife, however, has made it pretty clear that, at least for now, sex is a thing of the past. She has even gone so far now as to use a spare comforter bunched up diewn the middle of the bed as a “barrier”. She does not realize (or does not care) that I know why it is there and the intent she has for it. I do feel guilty for my part in unfaithfulness in the last and I, as you, have lost some friends because of it. You can’t beat yourself up too much for it. I don’t know you. So I can only speak for myself, but I suffered greatly after both events and have paid dearly for them and continue to pay for them. I am at my wife’s mercy whenever she wants to check my phone or Facebook history, but if I ask in return, I get a “how dare you, I’m not the one who cheated” attitude. I live under CONSTAINT suspicion. I have a goatee and just a week ago a trimmed it back to see how it would look. My wife came to me while I was cooking dinner and asked ” So who did you trim your goatee for?”. Another. Example comes from the week before; my wife had been ill Mon. And Tues.. Wed. was her day off. I let her sleep and did not text that morning and I was very busy at work in the afternoon. I got a text mid afternoon from her saying “you asked me how I was feeling the past two day but not today for some reason. Hmmm.”
    Yet I accept my fate and punishment. She touts herself as the moral superior between us and therefore should not be questioned in certain matters.
    No one who gives advise on “what we should be doing” to make our sex lives better is in our situation. In fact, they usually are the ones having sex on a regular basis and don’t understand that it is our wives, not us or our effort, that are the problem. Others make excuses for our wives by speculating of some medical condition etc.. It seems that no one wants to accept what we know; that the wives in our situation simply do not want to have sex with us and no amout of locks on the bedroom doors, drawn bubble baths, shared chores or massages are going to change that. No one is willing to understand. You can’t tell me to try something that I haven’t already tried multiple times. Hell, I am the one not having any sex. Don’t you think I have tried EVERYTHING already?!??
    What has become my obsession is not even her afterthought. I literally lie awake at nights out of my head with sexual frustration while my own wife lies less than two feet away from me sleeping without a care in the world. I can do all the praying I want. I do have a relationship with Jesus Christ but guess what; it ain’t helping. The two are not related. I am not praying for the resistance of temtptation of sin because this is my WIFE, joined together by GOD inside of a CHURCH. I SHOULD be having sex with her!
    Yes, we have talked about it. Yes, we have gone to counseling. I have done all I can do. The ball is in her court; but she chises not to put the ball in play.
    Alec, I’m sorry for the rant, but let me know if it sounds familiar to you. For God’s sake dont hurt yourself over it. If anything, a new life would be a better option, but if you are like me, you love your wife and don’t want a divorce, just a real love life, and you want someone to understand that fact and stop giving you lame advice that you have tried dozens of times and that won’t work for her.
    P.S., I do envy you for at least getting it every month or two. -Robie

  • Alec says:

    Robie, I have a similar same story over here. We’ve been married for 16 years and we have sex once every month or two, if I instigate it otherwise my wife can go a longtime without sex. Often when we have sex my wife needs lubrication and I’m told to hurry up (at times). I’m in my early 40s but look younger, I’m tall, fit and good looking (so I’m told) yet she doesn’t find me attractive enough for sex.
    So I’ve been taking care of my own needs (manually) 2-3 times a week for 16 years. Of course this has gotten me in trouble because I eventually go online for gratification. About 5 years ago my online presence was discovered. Within the past 5 years the rumor of me not being true to my wife has spread like wild fire through my neighborhood, family, friends and church. I have been completely cut off socially from every aspect of my life. There hasn’t been a day in 5 years that I haven’t thought of ending my life. I’ve researched ways to do it without it looking like a suicide so my kids wouldn’t get messed up. My wife and kids could use the insurance money, we have debt.
    So sexual frustration and the depressive state that followed has led me to online gratification which has led me to being hated and disgusted by everyone that has ever known me (for the most part). My life sucks more than anyone could imagine. Because of stress and anxiety I use pills to help me sleep, it’s like living in a nightmare.

  • Chris says:

    robie…i regret to hear of your marriage struggles. we understand that mens and womens sex drives can vary but above all to me, what really can keep a marriage together in those tough times is being connected to God through our lord jesus christ. you see, we all know the flesh will die one day and return to dust so it cant have the same importance as our spiritual lives would. sadly today, more emphasis is placed on the flesh than the spirit. that isnt to say that sex shouldnt be a part of marriage. the bible itself says that neither marriage partner should deny the other one that marital responsability however the main problem in these cases is normally not the outside…sex in this case…but the inside…the spiritual condition of a persons heart. you see if your wife were walking closely to christ, she would look for ways to try and cooperate with you on this subject since the bible shows cooperating with ones mate is cooperating with christ himself. to not cooperate with ones mate is to not cooperate with christ. yet another issue here may simply be she doesnt want anymore children and that is something you might want to try and talk to her about and take into consideration. you are in your 40s you say. i would assume she is also. as you know pregnancies at that age are many times considered high risk for both the child and mother so consider that as well. for you as well, i would encourage you to seek jesus in your own life for your personal happiness independent of your wife for as you see, being so dependent upon a person, whomever they may be, is not a healthy situation. that is why making christ lord of our lives is so important. he will never fail us and will always meet our needs, showing us a better way to live even above our fleshly cravings. have you considered what you might do to become more spiritually minded and less earthly minded as the bible exhorts us to do? if you would like more information on knowing jesus personally as your lord and savior if he isnt already, log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. also check on 5lovelanguages.com for a better understanding on what loving your mate really entails. i pray now jesus would come and confort you in your situation so that you can begin to look up more and down less and experience the joy of heaven in your earthly life with, without or despite of anyone else, including your mate amen!

  • Robie says:

    Been married for 15yrs. For the past 13years sex has been averaging once every 6-8 months which has always been a source of great frustration to me. I have been caught in two affairs in the past. I have felt guilty for big of them but was so weak and broken that any attention given to me was like feeding a starving stray animal. On both occasions the affairs lasted less than 2 months and I ended them and actually got caught after the fact. Sex has always been used as a weapon for my wife. I need to go above and beyond to deserve it (yes, she has told me on countless occasions when I have asked for sex “what do I think I have done lately to deserve it even though I have always worked two jobs, cook every night, and help with housework. When she asks, it means I won’t be getting any). I have always asked myself what is wrong with me that my own wife does not desire to have sex with me? I am in my mid 40s a dam not unattractive and am a funny and good man. The worst part is that if we were to split up she would have regular sex with whomever she dates next and they will not even have to contribute to her finances, childcare, housework etc..
    She has only granted me sex once in the past 6 months. This was not even on my birthday or Valentines Day. I Love her with all my heart and can’t stand the thought of not being a daily part of my kids’ lives but I feel like I am going insane more and more every day. Sex seems to be all I think about… Constantly! I seem to be envying every other man on earth; I find myself looking at almost every couple I see and wonder if they are lucky enough to be having sex on a regular basis. I am green with envy over the husbands of female coworkers who speak of their normal sex lives or when hey mention how the kids will be away from the house and they will make the “most” of that time (have sex). I can’t even look at my wife naked anymore or literally touch her intimately because to do so is sheer tourture for me and almost more than I can stand. It kills me that she knows this and it does not affect her at all. I could never put her through something like this just by the fact that I love her and want her to have a good life with me. I just don’t understand the mentality.
    On a side note: Sex is not painful etc. for her, she just doesn’t need it and therefore doesn’t think I should either.

  • Chris Landwerlen says:

    moonrider….living in the ultra-sensual world we live in today, its no surprise to hear of your situation. although christ has made us in his spiritual image, the fleshly part of man is trying to snuff out his spiritual side. its imperative that the spiritual element of your husband be restored which is only through saving faith in jesus and his work on the cross for us. the same would hold true for you as well. you will find as you let jesus be lord of your life, that he will bring his lordship into your husbands life as well and this carnal side of him will diminish. if you dont know jesus as your lord and would want more information on how to do that you can log on at…knowingjesuspersonally.com. blessings!

  • Dan67 says:

    My wife has denied sex and intimacy of any kind for over ten years. I love her, but told her life’s too short to be with someone who only talks to you around pay day! I tried and tried and tried until I exhausted all channels of effort: being nice, doing more around the house, giving her space, etc. NONE of it did ANY good whatsoever!!
    Guys – and ladies – do NOT waste your time jumping oceans for someone who won’t even step over a puddle for you!
    I eventually said enough is enough and got out. Now I’m with a woman who not only talks to me, but makes me laugh in the most incredible ways and the sex together is the best I’ve ever had!!
    Life is short!! Live it!!

  • ALAN says:

    Hi Bigbucks – I so sympathise with – all of you really – I’m getting to the end of my tether – If nothing improves in the next month (after 25 years of rejection) I’m going to leave her – why should I put up with it? why should I be a domestic slave?I can look after myself – I don’t need the baggage – I need to be happy – and have women that do want me. I’d rather be alone than continue with this. I don’t want to die a raging alcoholic but I can’t help myself under these circumstances – everyone has some kind of release – mine just happens to be very destructive.

  • bigbucks says:

    Wow! Seems like I can relate to all of these issues. I too am in a sexless marriage but my wife won’t even talk about it. All I ever get is I don’t know. It is so stressful. And it’s not just the sex. There is no cuddling, hugs or any type of affection what so ever. I love my wife and know I would be lost without her but at what point do I need to think about my happiness. Killing me inside. Lost! I try but if your partner won’t talk to you about issues then how do you work things out?

  • flower says:

    @Kate. Thank you for your wonderful encouragement! May God bless you!

  • Moonrider says:

    We have been married 25 years and with 4 children. We aren’t divorced, and still love each other, in spite of my lack of desire or interest. Don’t give up hope. You are ok and if he loves you, you will both be. Hang in there and hold hands, talk and have fun, and hope that your love is strong enough to get you through. After 25 years, we are still togetherness, tho not Ashe would like.

  • Moonrider says:

    I adore my husband of 25 years.we dance together, hold hands when we walk, laugh over our children (those grown and those not) and otherwise are intimate. However, after 25 years of sex ( orgasms aren’t all that interesting to me) and 4 children, I don’t want sex. I feel closer when we hold hands or dance. He, however, wants sex 1-2 times a day. He recently issued an ultimatum that I provide 7 times a week or he will seek satisfaction elsewhere. So, since I love him, here I am, a miserable whore who provides for his satisfaction in order to retain my marriage. I am miserable, even though his every thought is to make me orgasm before him. I don’t want or like them, and the work necessary to get there isn’t worth it. He enjoys my orgasm, which I can appreciate is rare, but I don’t enjoy them. It is a lot of work for a series of muscle contractions. I’d give him sex at least 5 nights a week but I am not happy about it. Where is the love and fairness when I don’t want sex and he wants it daily.

  • Kate says:

    Flower, Bob, Randy, Alan, my heart goes out to you.

    I know the suffering you are experiencing. Unfortunately there really is no easy answer. We can’t force our partners to change and going outside the relationship, or breaking the relationship, may seem to solve one problem but it will inevitably create a whole host of other problems.

    Perhaps ‘problems’ is too mild a term. I fully agree that God has designed us to crave intimate relationships, which are modeled on His covenant relationship with us. Ultimately, life is about our situation before God. God who is holy, God who has given everything for our sake, God who calls us to love and to serve one another. I am not belittling our heartache or the painfulness of being rejected. Sometimes, in some ways, life is truly miserable. Every area where our relationships fall short, disappoint, hurt…those areas are signs, not that we need a new relationship nor that we have permission to criticize our spouses, but signs that we are living in a broken world, marred by sin, in desperate need of God. People have all kinds of sorrows and temptations; if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Thank God, His grace is sufficient. He has borne us this far, and He shall bear us home ultimately.

    Kate

  • ALAN says:

    I’ve been reading all these emails – I feel heartened that I’m not the only one in a sexless marriage. I really did believe everyone was having a lovely time and I was the only one married to a “dead” partner. We had an almighty row – she apologised for rejecting me for the 25 years – I became more intimate with her over the next few days (no sex mind)and she responded by lying there – almost with her arms folded. I decided I’d let her show me some affection – guess what – I’m still waiting. Our marriage is pretty solid otherwise – but she just doesn’t want me – I see nothing wrong in looking for it elsewhere – NSA sex – somewhere – but you have to know other women – I don’t – as I’ve been a domestic slave for so many years. Time to take the lid off that new bottle.

  • randy says:

    The only reason I stay is because of my son I would not be able to afford a decant place for him to live otherwise. I have lived in a sexless marriage for 20 years 7 after my son was born. Initially she said she had pain so I had sympathy for her, during and argument she admitted she has felt fine for years and that I needed to be nice to her to get sex. This after she has been a stay at home mom for 0ver 6 years. I do virtually everything around the house including dishes laundry and grocery shopping I love my son. I hate myself for staying but stay focused on him.

  • Bob says:

    Flower-
    Yes. Have tried that too, for MANY years. Thanks for your words of encouragement. Read them back to yourself the next time you decide to post a complaint about your own situation. Peace.

  • flower says:

    @Bob. I got used to my situation and try to not be upset when I am denied. I found my satisfaction in Jesus. When our spirit is satisfied, then our soul and body are in peace too and fleshly desires goes down. I am not telling that sex in marriage is bad, no, but try to be happy in Jesus and you will be more desirable to your wife too. Leave something in you which your wife will adore. Be man, leader, on the other side be careful and gentle to her and God will change that situation.

  • Bob says:

    Flower-
    I agree. And my wife has agreed, just as your husband has, to do more… AND, it doesn’t happen. And again, I am denied, I eventually get upset, despondent, depressed, then she blames me for our not getting along. Tells me to get on anti-depressants because I am terrible to live with.

  • flower says:

    @ Bob. You see I have the same problem but it is that my husband rejects sex. I think that there are people- men and women who desire more sex, that other who desire less. I think couples should find a middle way, do some compromise, if they still love each other. They should sacrifice for each other as Jesus sacrificed for us!

  • Bob says:

    Chris Landwerlen-
    Please see my response to Other Woman, and tell me what I am supposed to do.

  • Bob says:

    Other Woman-
    THANK YOU! These are the same things I have been thinking, and FEELING for many years! Yes, guys want sex. DUH! And, YES, guys want intimacy as well. Every few months or so, I get a halfhearted bad hand-job from my wife. We have been to counseling many times over the years, I have tried having honest/open conversations (which only go so far because she believes women, including wives apparently, who do anything beyond laying there, are sluts), and basically she believes that “I” have a problem because it isn’t a problem for her to not want sex. I want to make love to my wife in the worst way, always have, but I’m hardly allowed to touch her. But, for 30+ years I have stayed married. That was my vow, and I love my kids, and I want to see them everyday, and I don’t want them living the stigma of kids of divorce. (YES, there is still a stigma!) I’ve tried quoting my wife the bible verses, and discuss duties, still nothing. So what are the choices for a guy like me? Divorce!, or seek sex/comfort from another. No good solutions, and had I known this was going to be my life for over 30 years, I wouldn’t be where I am, and feel the hurt that I have! Being denied, made to feel like crap because my wife doesn’t love me enough to make love to me, or allow me to make love to her.

  • flower says:

    Almost always people talk about women that they don’t want sex. What about opposite side? I am married and my husband doesn’t want sex. Almost always I have to do something, to approach him, so we can have sex. We are in our 40, life is good, not big problems or stresses, kids are bigger, so what is the problem? I am praying, but its not improving. He doesn’t have an affair, but I am suspicion that he doesn’t love me anymore. We talked about that, he agreed for more sex, but no change.

  • Chris Landwerlen says:

    other woman….you make a good point, however nothing can ever justify adultery which is the real Word for having an affair. God has divine ways of dealing with all issues in life. two wrongs will never make a right. blessings!

  • Other Woman says:

    Why do women get upset when they deny their husbands sex or worse just lie there like a cadaver or a slab, and then try to act hurt and disappointed when they find out that he’s had an affair? He’s begged and pleaded for years, his self esteem is in the gutter, he’s a broken man. As a last ditch effort, he decides to have an affair, and you’re upset? Aren’t you being doubly selfish? Yes, cheating is bad, but you are making him die a slow and miserable death. You don’t want sex, but you don’t want him to have sex. Where’s the logic in that sentiment? Many men don’t always want sex, they want intimacy, and you still won’t give him that. It’s selfish!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Alan, I can appreciate how hard it is to bring up such a painful subject after so many years. Can I just suggest that there is a reason that your wife does not want sexual contact and as her husband you have the opportunity to help her find healing for whatever that is. As you show your compassion and care for her in this it could help draw the two of you closer together. God’s plan for couples to find deeper intimacy with each other through sexual affection. To lose that part of marriage is to miss out on God’s best for you. I would suggest that it is worth the risk to try to work through this together and explore what is blocking the two of you from experiencing all that God has intended for you.

    You don’t have to face this alone. God will help you find a creative way to open up the conversation and to avoid making this a divisive conversation but one that draws you closer together.

    Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father, I pray for Alan and his wife. I know there is a lot of hurt from all the years. I pray that You would help them begin to find healing together. Amen.

    Alan, I don’t mind talking to you here about this but you may feel more comfortable talking in more privacy. Let me invite you to connect with one of our mentors. They are safe people that you can talk to who can be a good sounding board and help you find God’s help in this. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will contact you soon by email.

  • ALAN says:

    HELLO JAMIE – I’VE NOT SOUGHT PROFESSIONAL HELP NOR HAVE I SPOKEN TO MY WIFE – AFTER 25 YEARS HOW CAN I? IF I DID I’M SURE OF HAVING THE REJECTION REINFORCED LET ALONE RIDICULED FOR BRINGING IT UP – I’M FAR TO SCARED. NEITHER WOULD SHE SEEK HELP IT WAS HER DECISION TO NOT HAVE ANY SEXUAL CONTACT WITH ME – I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE – IN HER WAY I SUPPOSE SHE’S HAPPY AND TO HER THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. IN THE END I’LL JUST FADE AWAY. ALAN.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Alan, how have your conversations gone with your wife about intimacy? Has she been able to explain why she does not want to engage in intercourse and express her love for you physically? God has given us the gift of joining as husband and wife deeply and intimately through sex. But in our brokenness as humans there can be all kinds of inhibitors to that intended ‘oneness’ that He has given us. Working together on finding healing for that as a couple can be a powerful love builder in your relationship. Guard against making it an issue that puts you on opposite sides. Instead look for ways that you can make it an issue you are working together on. That is one of the reasons why I recommend meeting with a professional. They can help with tools and strategies that create that teamwork.

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