Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
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I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, “Sex is volatile and it was meant to be.” For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, “what’s the use?” This leads to some very common questions like:
Q: My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me. I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me. I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?
A: Don’t jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.
Wired differently
Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex. It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. That’s the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the “bonding hormone”. That’s the chemical that makes them want to connect. So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.
She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. “Hey we want connection!” I hear you say. Ya right! We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.
So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed – I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, it’s mind boggling!
Part2: Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I have been married since 1999. We have two little girls 6 and 9. I get tired when I am the one who has to initiate sex with my wife. When we have sex, she tends to enjoy it and can reach orgasm with no problem. But she never initiates it with me like it was early in our relationship. Wife does have arthritis and takes lots of medication we have sex usually before bed and after the kids are asleep, we get that moment. Once a month if at that. Docs told my wife it’s all in her head, as she has addressed this with the doc why her sex drive is none– only when I am able to simulate her when we have that moment she enjoys it. Just this morning after she woke up I asked her “come back to bed and lets make love..the house is quiet etc.” “she said quit harassing me” Gee being such a grouch but then found out she woke up with a headache. I don’t know at this point. I do the laundry for her, do lots of household chores and work at the same time. She does have fibromyalgia and in pain a lot and I do give her back massages a lot when she asked me when I am home. I try to explain how I feel to her about this but it just ends up being an argument. I don’t necessarily feel rejected because she does come to me out of the blue many times and kisses and hugs me. I just think this is all health related but told her to go see the doctor again and see if they can put you one something. But then again she is on enough pain meds and don’t want her to be on more pain meds. What does everyone think here? Shall I just go with the flow and be sensitive to her issues and overlook what I need and just suck it up??
Hi Suhail, There can be some medical issues that can make intercourse uncomfortable for women; you and your wife should talk to your doctor about those possibilities. But more often the problems are emotional or relational and not physical. You and your wife need to honestly talk through the concerns that you have and look to God for His guidance of how to bring healing to your relationship.
Have you had a chance to read the second part of this article? (http://powertochange.com/blogposts/2012/03/01/help-my-wife-doesnt-want-sex-part2/) You and your wife could read this together and talk about the issues that it brings up for you. Let me warn you against allowing yourself to sound like you are attacking your wife. This will not help set a tone of healing and growth. Instead, recognize that your wife has very real issues that have created her attitudes and responses towards sex; those issues could be a result of things you have done or said or it may have been something that happened in her life before she even knew you. Let her know that you would like to help understand her concerns and resist the urge to get defensive or forceful. This will likely take time to work through only if you are willing to take it slow and really understand what is going on in your wife’s heart and mind.
Does that make sense?
Is there any medican for this problem that my wife does not like to hv sex we have been
Married for 30 years have four children
Hello JTK,
Thank you for being so open, honest, and transparent with your experiences and being willing to share with other readers. Sorry to hear that the marriage counseling that you sought after a few years ago did not turn out well for you. One good thing out of it was the fact that you knew the information that was recommended was actually not good advice…God’s discerning Spirit was working within you letting you know that what you were reading was not a wise thing to follow. When we receive counsel from others, including well meaning Christians, we need to go to God in prayer and ask Him what His point of view is regarding such before taking hold of their point of view and advice. God’s Word and the leading of His Spirit within us are the best resources we should turn to regarding all areas of our lives.
I admire your faith in God and your commitment to your marriage. I believe wholeheartedly that God desires that we do our best in resolving conflict and disagreements in our marriages…remaining bonded together as husband and wife as God would have us. There is beauty in the making, as two people become one regardless of the shortcomings of each individual.
It has been several months since your last post. How have things been going between you and your wife? Have some of the issues been resolved? Have you been able to see where God has been working in both of your hearts regarding your marriage as a whole?
Barbara,
Sorry so long in answering your question.
Yes, years ago we had the opportunity to meet with a counselor. It was a bitter experience for me. I was told I was wrong about just about everything and given a book to read that was advice to women on handling problems with men. When the book came right out and said that she should withhold sex to get her way, I threw it across the room and never went back to the counselor. I can’t believe to this day that women would be given that kind of blatantly manipulative advice. (And the author of the book was a man!) But I shouldn’t be all that surprised.
People get such lousy advice. As I read the advice on this sight I am saddened. Some of it is good. But a lot of it is not. This is a Christian site is it not? While some people are advocating seeking God’s will and help, others are saying “call it quits and divorce,” or “have an affair.” Having an affair is the worst possible advice or action.
God is faithful. He wants us to be faithful too. He doesn’t want to throw us away. He doesn’t intend for us to throw away our spouses either. He’s trying to show us his nature.
To anyone, be it husband or wife, who is reading this, feeling the hurt, the desperation, the frustration, I have but one thing to say: Don’t swallow the world’s point of view. God’s way is the only answer. Read the Bible (yes, the whole thing – in order!). THAT’S where you’ll find the best advice. Don’t read it looking for ammunition either. Let God fight your battles. Read it to find peace. Read it to find your relationship with God. If you can’t have a relationship with God, what chance will you have with anyone else (i.e. a spouse)?
Fall in love with God and keep yourself open to your spouse. It will hurt. But God will work things out for you. He won’t leave you to your own devices. It’s US that wander off on our own. Work HARD to destroy the bitterness that would encrust your heart. The number one person bitterness will hurt is the one with the bitter heart (and then, everyone else around them). Keep faith in God. Then, keep faith in your spouse. If they are Christians they will come around sooner or later. Don’t forget that while God is working on you, he is working on them too.
I have faith that God will help me fix what is wrong in my marriage. I love my wife – and will continue to do so. Not because I have to but because I CHOOSE to. The Bible says that I am to be to my wife as Christ is to the church. That means setting the bar pretty high. If you don’t think you have what it takes to do that, pray and ask God for the strength. Take it to him daily. Let him know that the problem is still there. Ask him to give you peace.
Give God some credit. He built the whole universe, he can handle our problems.
Hi JG, so as you have discovered more and more about your wife over the years and talked with her about this issue what do you think is contributing to her lack of desire for sexual intimacy? What does she feel when you are moved with the desire to make love and start making advances?
Hi, JG
It sounds as though your wife does not get the basics of men.
Her disconnect from reality and refusals to honor her marriage is blatant and obvious.
My advice would be to sit her down and give her some tough love!
Be honest and forceful and lay it on the line!
Tell her that you want her to be happy and that she deserves to be with a man that she will desire and love in tje fashion you yourself wish to be treated. Tell her that you are NOT that man apparently and that you are heartbroken and have realized that she is NOT the “one” for you.
If she can respond with a dialogue of truth and love that will address your marital concerns than bravo!
If not, there is no need to suffer…it will be hard, it will be painful…but you WILL find a women that will love, honor, and respect you!
I too, am stuck in a sexless marriage. My wife is physically beautiful and looks much younger than she is. Over time, she has grown unpleasant in her demeanor towards me. Uses any and every excuse not to have sex. She just simply does not care that this has broken my heart. I don’t mistreat her or verbally abuse her. Lately when she rebuffs my advances, rather than asking her why – I just mentally shut down. Next morning, she is like “good morning”, like nothing has happened and my feeling do not matter. Today I told here to leave me alone. Tried examining the scriptures about the biblical role and duty of husband and wife. Been to marriage conferences. NO help. She just shines it all on for a week then it is back to no sex as normal. If only she knew that everything for me would change like a like switch if she could only show a LITTLE love and respect in this area. No, she is the most stubborn, non caring person I have ever met. I have told her I will not go to church with here until she has sex and shows me some respect. She does not care. Our proverbial marital house has caught fire and the wind is blowing. No children, thankfully for them.
Hi Df, I can understand your frustration with the lack of sex in your marriage. I’m curious, you mentioned in your comment that your wife was a virgin when you married but you were not. Did you get the chance to do any pre-marital counselling? Did you ever talk about the differences in your sexual history? The church places a huge value on virginity but sometimes that message of waiting gets a little twisted and views of sex (or people who have sex outside of marriage) can get very distorted. Have you talked to your wife about how she feels about your history? Do you know if it is still an issue for her? We’ve had comments from other women on this site who find that when they try to have sex with their husbands they can’t stop thinking about the other women that he was with before they married. It can be a huge issue. The good news is that with some good pastoral counselling this can be worked through.
Recently I was reading on another blog about how the way we talk about virginity can lead to some very negative views on sex in general. When the only message we hear is “sex is bad, sex makes you a bad person, sex is dirty etc etc etc” it can be really hard to flip that over into “oh but you’re married now, sex is beautiful, go have sex”. One poster on that blog mentioned going to a youth event where the pastor spit in a cup and passed it around the whole hall asking each person to spit in it. When the cup came back up to the front of the room he claimed that having sex before marriage was like asking your spouse to drink the cup of spit. What an awful image. I wonder if your wife ever experienced a talk like that and that is what is behind her unwillingness/dislike of sex now?
Think back to your wedding night and honeymoon, did your wife have a good attitude toward sex then? Think about the way she talks about sex – does she use positive or negative words? Does she talk about sex at all? Do the two of you ever talk about sex as a discussion? (i.e. not an “I want more sex” but a genuine conversation about sex itself?) Do you know if your wife has trouble relaxing which is causing sex to be painful for her? What reasons does she give for not wanting to have sex?
Hi Sebastian, I really do appreciate your commitment to following what the Bible has to say. That is our anchor place in a world whose morals can drift in one direction and then in another. The Bible is a wonderful gift from God to help us understand how He wants us to live.
I agree with you that Paul’s letter to the followers of Jesus in Corinth is clear about the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage. It would appear that there was a point of view floating around in that church that sex was a base lust and did not fit in with a “holy lifestyle”. I can see how that could crop up in a place that had the extremes of a guy sleeping with his father’s wife (described earlier in the same letter 1Corinthians 5). Often we see those kinds of extreme reactions. It would seem like Paul here wanted to deal with both extremes: in chapter 5 of the letter he addresses the immoral practices and now in this chapter he is addressing the legalistic misunderstanding that husbands and wives should remain sexless in order to please God. You nailed it (no pun intended) when you said that withholding sex is not walking in love. God has given us intimacy not only for procreation but for pleasure and for developing a deep spiritual unity that the Bible calls “two becoming one”.
What I don’t read in the passage that you quoted is the directive or permission that you see to leave that marriage. In fact if I read just a little further in that same chapter I read quite the opposite: “But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.” (1Corinthians 7:10-13) In all of Paul’s letters the only place that we see any instructions about a marriage ending is in verse 15 of this chpater where Paul writes that if a wife, who is a follower of Jesus, is married to a man who is not, and he no longer wants to be married to her, “let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” Notice that it is the other spouse that wants to leave, not the one who feels they need to leave. And that is only in the case of a marriage between a follower of Jesus and a non-follower.
So it would seem to me that in the case of a sexless marriage Paul’s direction would be to work it out not end the marriage. I see no room given by him to end the marriage because one partner refuses to have sex. But his direction would be to that spouse that intimacy is important and it is a part of their role in the marriage to give themselves fully to their partner.
As for the partner in the marriage who has been denied, the law of love still applies. Forcefully demanding your rights is not the proper response. There is a reason that your spouse is not wanting to make love and in order to walk in love you must look for ways to help that partner discover why and heal whatever hurt is there. It can actually become a path to a far greater intimacy with each other than you could imagine. The work that both partners need to go through in order to find healing in this means that they will both be sacrificing themselves for the other, that they discover deeply intimate details about each other and make the clear statement of their commitment to the other and their family. As couples who have discovered a life-long love will tell you, it is most often that their love deepens when they go through difficulties together. That is where love matures beyond physical attraction to the “two become one”.
Plain and simple and no “interpretation” needed!!
1 Corinthians 7:1-40 ESV / 62 helpful votes
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality,each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights,and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body,but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,but the wife does. Do not deprive one another,except perhaps by agreement for a limited time,that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again,so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Ok guys, this is a pretty good page and I think it probably helps a lot of people like myself. If you want to argue then go on a chat sight. Sebastian I’m sorry what you are going through like so many of us are, but you can’t force people to view the scriptures the same way you do because everyone has a slight variation on what the think or believe God is saying to them. This does not make them a lesser person in fact the scriptures says ‘in your weakness, I will be strong’
Just like walking with Christ, some journeys are not going to be easy and simple, some of the greatest rewards are from the greats challenges in life. I have always said this to people I know ‘it is not what happens that matters it is how you deal with it and what you do after that matters’
All the best
Hahaha Leslie! Like a dig that eats its on vomit you dud exactly as I said you would.
To all the men that read this post. Leslie just claimed that is a creature comfort! This is also NOT a biblical truth but instead a pure liad if non biblical crap! The bible sats sex is a gift from god! Just yet another example of people on this forum trying to twist the scruptures to keep men in sexless and defunct marriages. There are godly women out there waiting for men to cime along! Don’t listen to these charlatans …they are not trying to solve the problem…they are only interested in keeping men in marriages for the sake of the marriage as if this is somehow biblicaly superior to tge alternatuve…. I pray that gods full wrath will come upon them and expose them for the fake imposters they are.
response to SEBASTION;
you claim to be tired of moderators trying to justify a sexless marraige with biblical backing. you also try and give the impression that you are a “man” of God, using relevant scripture to back up only your wants and desires. You claim that if you do not get regular sex from your wife then you are entitled to demand it from her on a biblical basis, and if she does not oblige then just leave her. Funny thing is, though, that you omit to say that God also abhors divorce, which means that if you want to use Scripture to claim your right as a man in the home, and all the creature comforts that go with the title, then you should use Scripture in it’s full context, not just to suit your physical needs. This calls to mind scripture verses which encourage us to practice all fruits of the spirit. You should read a little more of your Bible before you use it to try and justify your own selfish needs.
I’m tired of reading post after post from moderators or whomever that claim biblical backing to explain or justify staying in a sexless marriage! The bible is very, very clear on this subject! The womans body is not hers but instead her husbands. This is also true of the husbands body being that of the womans. Thus there is NO biblical support for staying in a sexless marriage period. The moderators undoubtedly will reply to thia comment in efforts to support their horrible misrepresentation of how they “feel” they understand the scriptures. So very sad…
Bottom line is “sex” with you spouse is an ACTION and NOT a feeling!! The result of the ACTION leads to feelings! Period!
If you wife isn’t having sex with you in a regular manner they are not walking the walk of LOVE. They are in direct opposition of the scriptures and as a man you have a biblical right to call them out based on scriptures. If they don’t change than leave them and find a true believe if the bible/faith is the core of your relationship!
hey Jamie, God Bless you for giving sound advice from gods point of view. Too many ppl look for the easy way out because they dont understand commitment. Their love is a conditional one that only remains when they get what they want. We have been conditioned to think love is what others do for us and not what it really is. Love is what we do for others. I myself have been dealing with a wife who doesnt want to be intimate very often, and it fills me with feelings of hurt and regret as well. The thing is regardless of the situation my love for her isnt based on her ability to please me.I agree her pleasing me makes me feel the emotional love that we all desire, but the love and commitment is there regardless of how i feel. Imagine if jesus loved us according to how we made him feel. I suppose wed all be on the highway to hell. Its very hard to love in this way but it essential for building a foundation for marriage to stand on and last. Ive learned that love isnt about me, its about others. I still hope some day my wife will get better so we can share in all the joys of marriage together, but if not im committed to her no matter what because that truly is love. If you dont mind pray for me too because it is hard when a husband feels like his wife doesnt love him through lack of intimacy. I too go through it too.
Same thing here I’m young 28 but I never get sex with my wife either. I get it maybe 8-10 times a year if that. I get frustrated but I do love her so I’m just looking for things to do to get her more interested in sex. I would like it at least twice a month. She was a virgin when we met I was not but I waited for her. Feels like I’m still waiting.,.
Hi John, I would think that your GP should be able to do hormone tests and prescribe treatment if that is an issue. I would also think that a gynaecologist would also be able to help with that. If your wife does any hormone therapy her family doctor will need to know so it may be best to start there.
My wife says she likes sex once in a while. If I did not ask/bug for it IMO we would have sex 1-2 times per month.
My question is this, What sort of doctor can my wife go see to check her levels of hormones (or whatever a woman needs for a healthy sex drive)?
She admitted that may be part of the problem and said she will go get them checked. I’d pay out of pocket so would rather not go to the family doctor so he can refer me to a specialist.
Hi Wayne, it is a terribly difficult thing to be in a marriage but not have the opportunity to experience the connection that comes through intimacy. What does your wife say is the reason that she does not want to have sex more often?
Hi Ant, so why does your wife want to stay home? Would you be unable to financially survive without her paycheck?
It is very destructive for your wife to deal with your disagreement over her employment like this, but it sounds like she feels she has no other choice. I do agree that meeting with a counselor will be helpful as a mediator as the two of you work through these different priorities. My encouragement to you is to really put your efforts into understanding your wife’s need to be at home. Perhaps there is something that she is not finding fulfilment in at work. Perhaps there are other things that she should be pursuing other than her current job. A counselor can help you better understand what those things are, and also to help your wife better understand your concerns.
We been married for 30 years and the last 10 years I do not get much sex with my wife . I am try of master bating so I do not know what to next. It started when the children came into our life one is 29′ one is 25 and my youngest is 15 . I thought when a women becomes older she would like to have sex more , I was wrong it was at Christmas time since we had sex, ” help me please”
ANT-
I’m sorry yo uare going through this. It sounds like you guys have many things you think differently on. Sex being a big one, kids being another big one, finances probably a third big one. If I were you I would try counseling (so you can say you’ve given it a fair shot), and if that doesn’t resolve these issues, I would get out. Sorry to sound somewhat callus, but been living in a sexless relationship for the better part of 30 years, and I’ve gotten a bit cold. If I didn’t have kids that I adore, I would have been out many years ago.
Best of luck to you.
My wife of a couple years has stated that she refuses to be intimate with me or even treat me as a husband. She has gone as far as refusing to sleep with me in the same room or bed. What am I supposed to do in this situation? I have been a Christian all my life and know that God hates divorce but she has placed me in a tough spot. According to her she will continue to do just that until I allow her to stay home. We have no kids and she has voiced that she has no desire to have children. We also spent lots on her education. Don’t know what to do.
Bob, I can understand that the feelings of love have been lost with the lack of intimacy. But you know that love is much more than just feelings. God is the source of love and you know that His love for you has never been based on you doing the right things. God loved you so much that even while you were trapped in rebellion against Him, Jesus died for you. Jesus is the ultimate expression and example of love that He would sacrifice Himself for you. And you show His character when you love your wife even when she does not respond with affection and intimacy.
I know that is not the answer that you want. And there are lots of places that you can go where you can get the answer that you want. There are people here on this forum who will give you the answer that you want. But I think you know in your heart that those answers will bring only a surface happiness. The true lasting kind of happiness comes through finding your strength from God and following His plan and purpose for your life.
Let me map out a better way: 1) put aside your need for sexual satisfaction. You have done it for 35 years already so what is a little more time? 2) focus your attention on knowing God better, listening to His direction for your life and living in obedience to His moment-by-moment directions in your life. That’s the promise of what God says in the Bible, “Walk by the Spirit and you will not satisfy the desires of your sinful nature” (Galatians 5:16) “Walk by the Spirit” means living every moment of every day with your attention on God’s voice and following obediently to His direction. He will lead you into the man that He created you to be and your life will reflect the character of Jesus, namely “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23) The Bible goes on to say that there are no laws against living that kind of a life but I would also expand that to say that there is no woman who would not admire and be attracted to that kind of a man. The more that you live out these qualities the better you will be loving your wife and sacrificing yourself to meet her needs.
Now I cannot promise that if you live like this that your wife will melt and give herself to you completely. But I do know that there is something in her that has blocked her freedom to be intimate and she needs you to help her figure out what that is and let God bring healing in her life and in your marriage. If you are living like this, you will be better tuned into the leading of God so that you can help your wife find healing from whatever has created this block in her love and affection.
And best of all, you will not be swayed by your passions and desires pursuing things that you know are dangerous and hurtful. You will have the strength of God Himself keeping you to a path that will bring true happiness and fulfillment.
You see, I know why God has allowed you to be married to this woman: it is because you need her to help you find true relationship with God. And just as importantly, she needs you.
Lord God, I pray for Bob and his wife. They have suffered so long with dysfunction in their love for one another. They need Your healing hand to come and set that right. Father I pray that You would work in Bob’s life and help him to set the pace of renewal with You. I pray that he would be keenly aware of Your Spirit’s voice in his life and that he would have the strength and courage to follow. I pray that Your love would become the example and source of his love and as he becomes a better reflection of Your character, that it would break down the walls that have held his wife captive so long and she too would be transformed by the love of her husband and the love of her God. This family needs Your help and I pray that they would be ready to receive it. In Jesus’ name amen.
Jamie-
To be honest with you…I’m not sure that I love her anymore because of the hurt, pain, anger, and anguish I have suffered over 35 years. She has many good qualities, such as being a good mom, does a good job keeping the house and family running, she is faithful both in marriage and biblical teachings. But, as I said, I’m just not feeling the love. And, with her lack of showing “intimacy” in our marriage, I do not “feel” loved. I beg and plead with God for an answer, and I get nothing. I pray for guidance and enlightenment, and still nothing. All of this has caused my faith to be completely rocked, because I do not unserstand why out loving Lord would put me with this woman.
And Bob, the sacrifices you have made in your marriage for your wife and kids will make a difference. I can imagine how difficult it is but that’s what love is all about: giving of ourselves without any expectation of return. The Bible says that is the kind of love that God shows for us because we have nothing that we can give Him that even comes close to the love that He shows to us. Yet He continues to pour out good gifts as an expression of His love.
So tell me, what are the things that you love about your wife?
Jamie-
I wish you explain this concept to my wife, “when we sacrifice our needs to meet the needs of our spouse”. 35 years, and we’ve hardly ever “made love”, and have probably only had sex less than 100 times. 2 in the last 11-12 years. And I have tried everything. I stay for my kids.
Believe me Noodles; the last thing I want is for people to put a happy face on a miserable marriage just to keep up appearances. One of the reasons I like what is happening here is because this is a place where people can start airing the pain and hurt they feel. It is so tempting to keep things quiet so that nobody knows that something is wrong until it has gotten so bad that there is no hope for healing.
But neither do I think it is healthy to have one foot in the marriage and one foot out, ready to bolt at something that makes me feel uncomfortable or unfulfilled. Marriage is a covenant that should not be taken so easily. Broken commitments impact us all as a society and create a level of hurt that is hard to heal from. And as I pointed out earlier, there is a depth of love that can only come from facing difficult times together, when we sacrifice our needs to meet the needs of our spouse. If we give up too easily we miss something that is far better than any amount of “hot sweaty sex”.
@Jamie Sometimes all you can do is try…If the other person will not change then a line in the sand has to be drawn…Otherwise didn’t you read most of the agony letters here? That’s actually a small percentage who are willing to write, meaning how many are viewing the site for this subject?
Yes I understand people have been molested, raped, heartbroken, cheated on etc…But there comes a point where you say “I love you but WON’T live like this.” Otherwise you end up like the guy here who has only been with his wife 3 times in 12 years…Or the lady who was only with her husband ONCE in 45 years and is now sad and quite bitter…Divorce is NOT a dirty word…It happens to good and bad people…God doesn’t want us abused, neglected or just sad to somehow show the congregation what a good churchgoer you are.
I used to be quite active in my church once upon a time and have met plenty of couples that were miserable but do to social pressures stayed together…That’s not a life…Not even talking about sex just over quality of life.
Some people change once they get married, some people hide their skeletons till they get married…So the choice is there…Doesn’t mean you won’t love, help your partner just that you don’t want to live like that anymore…A time frame is needed or people won’t push themselves.
The alcoholic, wife beater, cheater, verbal abuser will not change until he hits bottom or he risks losing it all…Sorry but that’s “Human Nature” and the thing about God is he gives us “Freedom of Choice” so he won’t heal the alcoholic, wife beater, cheater, verbal abuser till that person decides to let him in…Sometimes you have to go away for that person to reflect…Otherwise in my eyes all you are is a “Self Made Martyr.”
Hey Noodles, I think that’s how they should write wedding vows nowadays, “We promise to try and if it doesn’t work…Time to go.” :) Wouldn’t that make for a touching ceremony? You can bet a lot of people would think twice about their gifts they were giving to the ‘happy couple’!
Please believe I am not trying to down play the pain of a sexless marriage. I have people I know who deal with that in different ways. It has such a destructive impact on the rest of the marriage not to mention the individuals and the rest of the family. But I do see your advice as problematic: if that is our attitude going into marriage you can guarantee that your marriage will not last. The reason being marriage by its very essence is hard. Joining two independent individuals into on cohesive unit is bound to have conflict. Both parties come to the union with their own baggage and weaknesses which build and intensify that conflict. If the attitude is, “I’ll try it” you can be sure that person is going to run the first sign of trouble.
And yet it is through the difficulties of life and relationship that marriages really begin to flourish and become strong. Have a look at these people’s stories about how their marriages are more valued now because of the difficulties they have faced http://powertochange.com/itv/family/tough-times.
Can you imagine how much more satisfying your sexual life would be if you were able to help your wife discover why she resists intimacy? That is what marriage is all about; being able to help each other become more through relationship then either could be as an individual.
I guess for me and my marriage I am so grateful that both my wife and I have God in our lives. He helps us both to go beyond what we would be able to handle on our own and guides us in our conversation so that we can become healthy and strong together. There are lots of things we still need His help with but I know that it is His strength that has kept us together through some very dark and difficult days. It is not that God has taken away the trouble, Oh no! It’s that He helps us learn how to deal with the trouble and through that become much stronger, healthier and more loving with each other.
If you want to find out more about how God can make a difference in your life and marriage have a look at this article http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/savedmarriage I would love to hear your comments.
sr-
My wife and I have had sex (intercourse) 3 times……in the last 12 years. Sorry, I know it’s not a contest to see who is getting it the least. But, you neeed to open a discussion up with your wife now. You are headed in the direction where I have already been. Good luck.
all you guys think yu have it bad, hell i would trade places with ya to have sex with my wife twice a month would be great. I’m lucky to have sex once every 4-5 months, its gone even as far as once in 7 months. I to am getting to the end of my rope, because now it is causing alot more problems in our marriage.
Got stuck in a sexless marriage once upon a time…Didn’t understand that I had choices or that life was good…We had all the material wealth but none of the affection and sex I needed…Ended up cheating and was able to get divorced.
Lost EVERYTHING…Gave her EVERYTHING…Ended up sleeping in a 2 bedroom apartment with 8 guys on the floor like some college kid…AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
Have love life pretty much after that…Oh my God it was like waking up again…Dropped 15 lbs, my sad face and have dated and been with amazing women who loved and were sweet to me…Sometimes there was heartache but am SO GLAD I got divorced and didn’t waste my good years as some sort of celibate, fat, hermit with a bitter sweet smile.
If you don’t have kids…Try and if it doesn’t work…Time to go…It will be rough but sooooooooo worth it.
JD-
I agree with Claire 100%, and I too am glad for the path you are taking with your wife. Be patient wth her, but also be clear that you want to make your relationship better with her, and you need this to be fixed to do that.
I have been through this for over 30 years, and you don’t want to feel unloved like I do.
Peace brother.
JD, I am happy to hear that you’re willing to put aside thinking about divorce for now, that you’re continuing to talk to your wife and that you’re going to try to keep going to counselling. These are all really positive steps toward your marriage. I know it is really hard when it feels like you’re the only one in a relationship making all the effort and I believe that God will honour the work you’re putting in here.
As you’re talking to your wife about your sex life, remember that you need to be extra careful and gentle. This is clearly a massive issue for her and if she feels attacked she’s going to shut down very quickly. I know it’s hard to be patient, but it’s the fast way in the long run.
One thing that you might consider asking your wife if the opportunity presents itself is this, “Do you feel that it’s okay for you to enjoy sex?” Often in the church we get a LOT of messages about not having sex before marriage. But that’s the only message we get. We’re told that pre-marital sex is dirty and degrading and makes you a slut and makes Jesus cry etc etc. But once we get married we don’t get the same onslaught of messages telling us that sex between a husband and wife is beautiful and precious. We’re not reminded that it’s a good thing, that you’re supposed to take pleasure in each other’s bodies, that it can be playful and intense and GOOD.
I don’t know what your wife’s sister said to her, but chances are good that that is where the real issue lies. If the comment suggested that she was “enjoying it too much” then your wife may be choosing not to have sex because that is preferable to being thought of as a woman of low morals. It’s not true of course, there is NOTHING wrong with enjoying having sex with your spouse, but the silence we wrap around sex in the Christian community makes ideas like that sound like they could be correct. Your wife may be feeling guilty about wanting sex AND guilty about not wanting it at the same time.
It’s important to remember that when we choose not to do something it’s almost always a choice in FAVOR of something else. (I won’t eat those fries because i don’t want to get fat. I won’t tell him what I think because I don’t want to start a fight etc) There is something that either scares or shames or worries your wife so much that she’s willing to give up sex in order not to have the other thing happen or be true of her. If you, with the help of a counsellor, can figure out what that is and help her work through it then she may be free to choose sex again.
JD’s reply,
Thank you to everyone who read my post and commented, you all helped in some way and you have defiantly made me feel supported even though I don’t know you.
Bob and Jim, it was good to hear from guys with an know what I am and what I will quite likely go through, you helped me feel like I have the power to choose again. I did find the scripture you mentioned and it helped.
Kay you helped me realise that although my wife and I have a relationship with God our relation ship is individually, and I think I need to encourage my wife in us both coming before God together.
Claire, you have good insight, you are correct in that her sister did hear us and made a comment to her it was not to long after that that our sex life dropped, I did mention this to my wife however she felt like I was attacking her family so I decided not to push that to hard. I think that moving on our own will help in our relationship but the sex part I will be surprised if it changes at all just due to this. She does not know that this is what I have been thinking, I never thought about it until the other day, triggered by being rejected.
I have decided to not entertain thinking of divorce just now. Instead I have sent her an email highlighting the the scriptures you guys have led me too and in that email I have requested her to join me in reading the same parts of the bible and discussing it together. I am also going to continue encouraging us to go to counselling together. Although I fear I may have to call it a day at some stage.