Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
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I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, “Sex is volatile and it was meant to be.” For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, “what’s the use?” This leads to some very common questions like:
Q: My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me. I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me. I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?
A: Don’t jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.
Wired differently
Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex. It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. That’s the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the “bonding hormone”. That’s the chemical that makes them want to connect. So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.
She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. “Hey we want connection!” I hear you say. Ya right! We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.
So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed – I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, it’s mind boggling!
Part2: Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
Tags: communication, healthy marriage, improving your marriage, intimacy, marriage, relationships, resolving conflict, romance, Romance & Sex, sex, sex and love, sex resources, sexual desire, sexual problems
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Dear Heavenly Father,
I stand in agreement with my brother Rod. Lord, I stand with him in the gap praying that Your good, pleasing and perfect will would be done in their lives and in their marriage, and nothing less. Lord, we ask because we are in need and know You are our only hope – and we trust that because You are our Father, You will not give us a stone when we ask for bread. Lord, we cling to Your promises because without You we can do nothing, so we seek Your face earnestly and humbly, longing for YOU to be glorified in the midst of this mess. You can make beautiful things out of the dust, so we pray expectantly, daring to hope and thanking You NOW for the good things You will do on behalf of this couple. I pray that in a year’s time all who see them would say, “This is truly a couple that the Lord has blessed.” (Isaiah 61) Let Your will be done, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Dear Rod, Satan is on a warpath to destroy our marriages. Why? Because it is relationship that God has designed for the express purpose of blessing us. We must not forget that blessing does not always, or even often, come in the form that is most comfortable or easy for us, nor does God’s blessing conform to the ideas and will we have for ourselves. His ways are higher, wiser, kinder, more gentle and more pleasing than all we could ask or imagine… So I urge you, do not give up! You are in a valley, but all is not lost. A million human strategies will fail, but God’s word will never fail, nor will God’s word ever return void. Please, go to your Bible and pour over it, scour it, seek God’s WORD for your circumstances, for your heart, for your wife – what does HE say? Then CLING to Him, to His word, for He is FAITHFUL and TRUE.
I have been through so much, waiting and trusting the Lord to restore my marriage and heal our hearts, and He has been busy doing it, better than I could ask or imagine. So I encourage you – fight the good fight, press into the Lord, He is our good shepherd and He will guide you, though every circumstance be against you, He is able and willing. Put your faith in Him, not yourself or your wife or your circumstances, and He will do it.
Many blessings in Christ,
Kate
I love my wife very much. we’ve been together 23 years. I can tell you we have had our share of pain over sex. She says I have mentally abused her for the lenght of our relationship. I feel she has abused me with neglect, rejection and lack of effort. I have tried everything from giving her space to trying to be very close to her. I resent that she doesn’t give me what I need physicaly or emotionaly. Most of what she says was abuse always started out with me trying to talk to her about it and it turning into a frustrating fight. It was like she would rather fight into the night than to make love to me. I don’t often give her the chance to reject me anymore. She says she has tried her best but she makes no effort to make lovin fun or to help my self esteem or to let me know that my happieness is important. She thinks that her housekeeping is how she shows me she loves me. I work hard, lack sleep, lack sex, but if I mention it…. She is a Great wife and person in most all other aspects but communication is a broken heart every time and I can’t give her the emotional support she wants because she doesnt make the effort for me. When we first got married it was good for a short time but that turned into hell for us both. There have been good times but when I get angry she gets angry and those memories are forgoten. I have always been physically faithful to her, supported her, loved her but it is hard to show it when you are scared and her too. My frustration has spilled over into every aspect of my life, she says I need medicine to keep my anger in check. All we both need is what we are unwilling or unable to give eachother. I am too old to fight anymore and she is too old to live with my anger and frustration. So she has told me she is done and I don’t blame her so am I…So unless God intervenes my life is over and the hell we have been living will become worse without her so this is my absolute last plea for the Lord to change us both. Lord Father please give me the ability to give my Wife what she needs, please heal the emotional scars that we both have, please open her eyes and mine to eachothers needs and remove all resentment and hardness of our hearts. In Jesus name I ask you to heal my marrage and my wifes heart! Amen. Please pray for us!
Dear Richard,
First, thank you for your testimony. It is powerful and encouraging for me to hear a man say that neither pornography nor infidelity proved useful.
As I reflect on that…and perhaps the bitterness and anger that you feel that ‘even that didn’t satisfy’, I find myself marveling at the goodness of God’s wise instruction for how to live a rich, abundant, joyful, satisfying human life, especially in marriage. And, please rest assured this life, this marriage that I speak of is indeed what God has designed for us.
God has never asked you, nor will He ever ask you to accept that “life will continue to decline until one of us dies.” That is the language of Satan, he is the one who wants to keep you down, depressed, frustrated, disappointed, irritable and all the rest. Let’s pray right now:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for Richard and his wife. Thank You that no matter what we see or feel or think or have experienced, You are always able to bring water from a rock, to deliver us from all things, to transform us more and more according to Your promises. Thank You that as we put our faith and trust in You, You are faithful to show us how to change so that we see differently, feel differently and operate differently… and You show us how to sow so that we reap differently! I pray that You will teach both Richard and his wife to sow differently, so that they will get to enjoy fresh fruit, renewed passion, greater intimacy, more mutual affection and much more frequent embraces. Lord, my thoughts turn to Your word in Song of Songs 2 — teach Richard’s wife to see her husband as “an apple tree among the trees of the forest” so that she will delight in his shade and find his fruit sweet to her taste. Lord, I pray equally earnestly for Richard that his banner over his wife would be LOVE, that his left arm would be under her head and his right arm would embrace her. Teach him to awaken her desire, for You have a plan for them both and with faith, with obedience, with patience, with endurance, with the miraculous transformation that You do in us, You will bring that plan to pass! Thank You Father in advance for the WONDEFUL work of renewal, restoration, redemption and reignition of love You are now doing and will carry to completion for this beloved couple. In Jesus’ name I pray confidently. Let it be done according to Your will. Amen.
Richard, consider connecting with a mentor who can encourage you, keep your eyes on the prize and give you godly wisdom. Here is the link http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
The Lord has powerfully awakened me for my husband, so I trust He can do it for you.
God bless,
Kate
My wife has almost never initiated intimacy in more than 20 years of marriage. I know how this can affect one’s self-esteem. I went from being a successful attorney to trying hard to get a minimum-wage job. I have tried infidelity and pornography, but neither is useful. Right now, I have just accepted that my life will continue to decline until one of us dies.
Dear Lawrence and Brad,
My heart goes out to you. It is so tough to be rejected, which leaves us feeling unloved and unwanted. After a lot of time spent trying to get through to my husband, I now feel that a lot of what I was doing was simply trying to manipulate him. I kept thinking, “If I do this, maybe he’ll do that” and so I’d try it, only to end up frustrated and resentful. Then I’d come up with another attempt, again thinking I could get what I wanted. It is only recently that I have been seriously trying to eliminate myself, or as the apostle Paul wrote, die to myself. Now I keep asking the Lord, “How can I love my husband? Show me how to love him. Teach me how to love him as You do.” I have to stop seeking after the reward, even though I desperately want it and instead OBEY God, and leave the results to God. It takes a lot of faith. We are so desperate, so needy, our bodies have needs, emotionally we are BUILT for relationships, and God knows all that… but He has not given us ground to control or manipulate our spouses to get it. We have to focus on His righteousness, desiring to be righteous like Him, and leave the results to Him, in His timing. It is not easy, because the flesh hates to be put to death, but it honours God, and He honours those who honour Him. That is my two cents’ worth.
I will continue praying for you both and your wives. Your marriages are ordained by God, so trust Him. He is for you, with you and able to do more than we can ask or imagine.
Kate
My wife no wants to have sex with me says she loves me. but when i touch her she said it makes her skin crawl and she dosent know why. I dont know what to do. any suggestions?
i feel like my wife doesn’t want to make love anymore. Now it’s like a chore to her and she can’t wait to get it over with. It’s killing me inside. I miss how things use to be…
I totally agree with you shaded-bliss, when you marry you are to meet and fulfill the needs of the other person. In a perfect world in our marriages we would all be more concerned with the needs of the other person than our own, however we live in a broken world and our marriages too often reflect that.
There are many times in marriage that for whatever reason a spouse may not be interested in sex. That is never an ideal situation, nor is it easy, and it is in that case that we are reminded again about the covenant relationship that we entered into when we got married.
When you marry you are to meet and fulfill the needs of the other person. When you marry your body is not yours. It is your spouses. Not fulfilling Andrews sexual needs a not right. If you are alone and not married than God is the only One you have to please but since he is a married man they have to please each other.
To insatiabletracy and shaded-bliss,
Yes I agree that it must be very frustrating for Gary, but I also agree with Andrew that God is very clear that whether or not a spouse wants sex, marriage is still a covenant relationship. Unfortunately, we are too quick to determine whether or not we stay in our marriages based on whether or not our needs are met, instead of meeting the needs of the other person and doing what God calls us to do. Sometimes speaking the truth seems like we don’t care or are being harsh but that isn’t the case at all.
It must be very frustrating for you Gary. Most or may I say all men need sex. God has wired men a little more differently. Me personally as a woman I have a very high sex drive and some women do.
Has your wife thought of maybe going to the doctor to discuss her options of lubricants Gary? He or she may be able to provide advice as to what options she may have in lubricant products that will not cause an allergic reaction. Or other things possible she could do to make intimacy more pleasurable for her.
Note to Andrew:
I don’t think there is no law against someone expressing how they are feeling. God gave us feelings for a reason. God also gave us each other for someone to lean on and to share our joys and our sorrows. We need other people in our lives to fulfill our need for friendship. I will be praying for some joy to come into your life Andrew. I’m not judging you but I do think you need to lighten up just a tad and be willing to listen to others and here their pain, no matter how they express that pain.
Take care Gary. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you.
@andrew…No. Gary didnt seem like he had attitude. He seemed desperate. I dont blame him. If youre constantly being turned down, it would be very frustrating. Some men need sex like they need air. Its natural. The Bible tells older women to teach the younger ones how to love their husbands. We dont do that now days. We just throw her into a wedding and say SINK OR SWIM!! REMEMBER, Godly men get frustrated! Moses struck the rock. He is human. So is Gary. He can have attitude and be angry as long as he sin not. He isnt a metal robot. Hes got his own feelings. Why dont we all use words of encouragement and help his problem by first taking our pointing finger out of his face.She has no idea what kind of situation she is leaving him in!
@ Gary,
What part of for better or worse did you forget when you got married? Couples sometimes have problems and issues when it comes to their relationship. It seems from your comments that YOU have tried everything that you can think of on your own. So where does Christ fit in the picture as surely if God can part the red sea he can restore your marriage as if we blame just her for the problems then that is not really Christ like. What is preventing you from visiting a counselor by yourself as it may shed light on what God wants to change in your life before your wife will have sex with you. Your mind is focused on one thing the act of sex so what about the romance if you are a demanding man and saying it says in the Bible you should submit why should she want to spend lots of time with you when you just want to have sex? I am sure if you search within your heart and ask Christ through the Holy Spirit to help change your life and be patient for Christ to work in hers. Many men such as yourselves read wives submit to your husbands but forget to read husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church as Christ died for the Church. It sure does not sound very much like you are ready to die for your wife.
What I am reading is your attitude is woe is me my wife does not want to have sex with me at my beckon call so ask yourself why should she? What have you done for her that wants her to desire you? Sure you have sexual needs as the way your writing your posts it seems like you are an extreme selfish, self centered man who wants to get divorced throw your wife under the bus so to speak so you can go out their and play the field and find a young woman who will have sex with you whenever you ask her too! That’s love that is perverse. Are you a man of God or a man of the world? Maybe God is preventing your wife from having sex with you so you will look to him to find out what the issue is within your heart. There is always two sides to an issue as it has been my experience when a woman feels loved and appreciated by a man she will want to be intimate with him as what you want is sex what she wants is intimacy they are the same but so different. If you let go and allow Christ to guide your life and only be concerned about what is it that YOU have to change and then ask God for wisdom through the Holy Spirit he will free you and leave your wife to God he guide her. God Bless
Rasheil
Been there and done the 5 Love Languages have tried my best to do the things it suggest and have also tried the Love Dare. Nothing seems to change her thinking. I do love her, I am a child of God and I know he hates divorce but I am tired of being the only one who is making the effort. Thanks for your advice. She also is active in the church and says she loves me and God. She doesn’t think we need counseling just think I am perverted for need more than a peck on the cheek once or twice a week.
When a man doesn’t desire sex from his wife….. My husband of 20 years has not been intimate with me in 1 year. He began being unfaithful with someone half his age. Of course it didn’t work out. I was willing to forgive and work out our issues, but he became cruel and mentally abusive towards me. I move out with our teen daughter as I do not wish for her to accept his conduct as the norm. Prior to this phase in life, everyone from childhood to present sees him as a good man. It’s difficult for me because I am an attractive, positive individual that is committed to raising our child in healthy environment. After 3 years of rocky road… He says the sex was awful. He is no longer attracted to me. Never was. He continues to philander around with other women. Here’s the dilemma, I have a friend whom I’ve not been intimate with who wants to be what my husband won’t be to me…lover, protector, provider. He wants to marry me and relocate me out of state. It’s all too much for me digest right now. My self esteem has taken a huge hit from this creep! I’m blown away by it all. Any words of wisdom?
Hi Gary -
Have you tried different ways of communicating with you wife? There may be more to discover about her needs, and in the process of this discovery, it may shift some behaviors. I agree with Claire Colvin below and was about to recommend the same book when I read her comment. The Five Love Languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) talks about how different ways people communicate and express their love to others. I hope you consider exploring more ways of communicating with one another before a major decision like divorce. You may also try to look into seeking a good counselor to help you both express yourselves in a different light. Sometimes when it seems that you have tried and tried, trying something different might have better results, perhaps way better than you would have ever imagined.
I have heard so many stories of couples who almost get divorced or even did get a divorce, to be brought back together in the Church, through the help of Christian counselors and/or pastors, etc. HAving a personal relationship with Christ truly makes a big difference with things that seem impossible. God’s Holy Spirit truly helps us get through various circumstances. It’s really a blessing you cannot get from the world, only from God.
AFter a couple reunifies, it seems that it’s better than it ever was before. Always have hope! :)
My wife has not desired to have sex since she went through the change of life. She says it hurts her, but refuses to use any lubrication’s stating she is allergic to that kind of stuff. She says she still desires me and loves me but will not have sex. She does have fibro but also states that has nothing to do with her feelings about sex. It has been since last August that we had any sexual contact and then it was more or less hurry up and get it over with. I am at my wits end, I need and desire sex. I am at the point of thinking of getting a divorce. I have expressed my needs to her but she seems to not care about my needs. It is all about her. I have been thinking about telling her if she does not change and come to a compromise I am out the door. Yes I know divorce is harsh but I see no other alternative at this point.
John, don’t ever give up! keep talking and communicating. There are so many different things happening in a woman’s life that much can change from day to day never mind year to year. There are so many different ways of communicating love and physical affection is only one way of doing that. Have you figured out what her love language is(see claire’s comment below) Become a student of your wife and figure out what best communicates love to her and you never know what all might change!
My wife simply does not ‘enjoy’ physical activity. I frequently tell her that I think she’s beautiful, always say ‘I love you’, try to do cute romantic things and the like; I really make sure that she knows that I love her. However, she doesn’t even really like to kiss! When I try to give her a peck, she slowly and almost hesitantly reciprocates. We’re down to one-every-10-or-12-days sex, and it’s really killing me. I just don’t want to look back when I can no longer have sex and think ‘wow, I really could have had alot more bedroom fun…but I had no choice.’ She claims to be tired as well, but I work far more hours than her and STILL make sure to show the affection and interest.
I feel I’m ready to give up.
Lynn, I’m not sure why you expect to be told that you are “wrong minded”. Women are absolutely responsible to make their husbands feel special and loved. The entire point of marriage is that it’s not all one person’s reposibilty. As I heard a pastor say once, “It’s never 50/50 when it comes to marriage. It’s always got to be 100/100.” Marriage is never supposed to be one person bending over backwards for the other, it’s supposed to be two people who want the very best for each other, two people, united, walking in the same direction, willing to sacrifice for each other, assuming the best of each other, freely forgiving each other.
You said that the Bible has little advice for marriage but I’d have to disagree with that. Colossians 3:12-19 speaks to both men and women, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Romans 12:10 implores us to “Honor one another above yourselves.” There are many others.
As for how to make a man feel special, one of the best things you can do is find out what your husband’s love language is. The Five Love Languages is a relationship classic. It talks about how we “hear” and “speak” love in different ways. One person buys a gift to say “I love you” while another vacuums out the car to say “I love you”. One person spends time with the person they love while another writes a note and yet another just wants to be held. Finding out how your husband hears love will go a long way to teaching you how you can show him how much you care about him in the way that will speak to him deeply. In addition I think that all men like to be appreciated. They like to see their work acknowledged. A lot of men enjoy a lot of physical contact. They feel loved when their opinion is both sought and valued. They feel loved when their partner says good thing about them in public rather than listing faults.
If marriage was ordained by the Lord, he sure does offer no guidence for my “worthless” prayers. All I ever hear is how the “man” is supposed to be guided too woo and submit to making the woman feel special. However, what manual is there for women on how to make men feel special! Nothing of course! And I’m sure that I will recieve worthy information from some puss-of-man information specialist or expert woman that tells me I am a “wrong-minded and needing couseling.
Hi Claire, I have to disagree with you on this. If the men you know only want women for sex and not for a relationship then you need to meet some better men. I promise that they are out there.
i agree with you lot but all that men want from us women is sex but not a lot of women want sex with partners
I find it amazing that many comments I get are based on woman complaining that there husbands don’t want to be intimate and often men too. Their can be many reasons for this as in men often will get frustrated and turn to online porn as it is the silent killer of marriages. If there is no communication then the physical dies. I understand that their are different reasons that woman and men don’t become intimate as both are wired different. I believe that when you first have a close relationship with Christ and pray together regularly then you will be able to express your views to your spouse. Many times men don’t want to discuss issues with there wives and often woman don’t want to either. When we pray and do a short devotional then many times the Holy Spirit will speak to one or the other about an issue and when the issue is dealt then the marriage thrives because if men just think sex sex because that is how they are wired but if they meet the spiritual need then they can talk about the physical need. Our culture is a hyper sexed culture so until we slow down and hear God speak sexual difficulties sometimes happen. For me it is very simple Christ said to love their wives as Christ loved the Church we do this and all the other things will take care of itself.
Ya know, when stumbling upon this article, I actually didn’t realize this was a Christian website. So, the previous comments made no sense to me at first. And, then I thought, geez, you must be miserable walking around with so much anger. Switch to decaf, seriously. Lighten up and go enjoy life. Stop dedicating your time and energy to party crashing Christian websites. Obviously, something happened to you in your life that has caused you such strong feelings on the subject. It wouldn’t hurt to address those issues and create a happier and more positive life for yourself. good luck!
[Ed's note: not indocrinated, I have moderated your comments, not because I disagree with your point of view, but because they have absolutely nothing to do with the article you commented on. If you can stick to the topic at hand, you're welcome to comment here.]
g- your schedules sound hard for the both of you. My husband and I spend a lot of our make out sessions in the early morning before he goes to work and on weekends before the kids get up. Maybe you could try that. I get really tired at night too, so if we weren’t making love in the mornings and afternoons, it wouldn’t be happening much for us either.
g- i have a friend who wanted to have sex with her husband but never actually felt in the mood to do it. she went to a hormone specialist and it turns out she had super low testosterone. the doctor told her that low energy and low sex drive is usually caused by low testosterone. she gets a monthly shot and her life is completely different now. she feels great and her love life with her husband is wonderful now! okay, so i also have another friend who was having the same problem, and she also went to a hormone specialist. It turns out she has low testosterone too! She started on the shots and now everything is great for her too. You might want to get your levels checked just to see.
Oh Marie, how I wish I could be like you….10 times is great! My husband would love that. However, he gets home from work after I’m already in the bed for the night. Plus he’s a night person and I’m an early bird. I feel really bad and I would LOVE to makeup for it on the days our schedules allow but I just don’t feel it within me. I try to force myself to remember and to give positive body language when I know that’s where he’s heading, but I would love to just want it like he does.
We’ve been married 12 years and he is a super wanderful husband and father. I pray for increase drive because I love this man with all my heart.
Women have to feel connected to their partner in order to really want that romp in the hay. It’s part of getting in the mood. And the ‘mood’ really does take longer to come. My husband who wants sex right now would rather not have to warm me up, but otherwise I am not fully into it – and I think he would rather have me fully into it!
we make love about 10 times a week. we’ve been married for 6 years and have 3 kids. i feel like this is a good amount. i am happy and he seems happy with our sex life. I almost always want to make love when he does, but he also communicates with me. He makes sure he is pleasuring me and he always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. These things seduce wives into taking a break from all the crap they feel like they have to do, and instead enjoy their husbands for a moment! Wives want sex too, but a lot of times we are too stessed to enjoy ourselves. A massage usually helps and really telling her how beautiful you think she is
we make love about 10 times a week. we’ve been married for 6 years and have 3 kids. i feel like this is a good amount. i am happy and he seems happy about with our sex life.