Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex part2
Part1: Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
Making the connection
Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning: that look she gave you might not even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.
The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.
Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her, help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:
“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.” Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227
Growing together
So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability. You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”. Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.
Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?
I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording. Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.
Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.
Fatigue. This is a no brainer. What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs. Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.
By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.
One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom. Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it. Communication is really important. She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Celeste,
Again, I am impressed by you. It is not often that someone will keep coming back to continue these discussions, it shows your faithfulness and perhaps seeking to learn, but also to share so that others may learn. Thank you very much for your openness on this forum!
I want to say something about hypocrisy, since it appears to be a stumbling block for you. We are all hypocrites. Unfortunately, this means inside the church too. Certainly God deals with His children in this, and many other areas, and by the empowerment of His Holy Spirit, as we are Spirit-filled, we begin to see transformation, but as humans we are not beyond the need of grace. We need God’s grace and love, which bridge the gap between what we are and what we were designed to be. Did you experience this grace and love in the church? Do you believe you are a minister of God’s grace and love yourself?
I definitely agree on your point that we are all different. God is creative! We are not called to be identical, but we are called to unity and the agape love that we talked about before. For example, the church is the body of Christ, and as a body we are love another self-sacrificially, to work together, to grow together, to praise Him together. There is no way for me to be part of this body without being part of it. True love, as demonstrated by Christ on the cross, is identifying with the scorned, the shamed, the betrayed, the beaten, the broken, the deserted, the poor in spirit. True love is not neat and happy-go-lucky, it is enduring for the sake of the other. Do you believe God truly loves you?
Blessings in Jesus’ name,
Kate
Kate,
I find great comfort in knowing that God is always who he says he is.
We are all human and imperfect. That applies to me and it applies to my ex husband as well. You are correct in saying his behavior was a choice. I didn’t make him treat me that way, but I did allow it to continue to happen.
I was raised Catholic, and so was my ex-husband. The reason I don’t see myself belonging to any one church/religion is because I see so much hypocrisy. People have judged me and it hurts. Even if another woman had eperienced the same abuse in her marriage, perhaps she would have chosen to act differently.
We are all different.
I am dating again despite disappointment with my ex husband. I have seen real love with my own eyes, through other couples marriages and I want that. I deserve to have someone who will respect me, cherish me and love me–flaws and all.
I feel that I’ve never known true love. I was married 17 years, have two children…but I still don’t know what it is to be truly loved. My children love me unconditionally, and I am grateful for that. I would like to experience that in a relationship with one man…once in my lifetime.
Hello again Celeste,
Thank you so much, once again, for your frankness.
Your descriptions are vivid, and I know many, many people can totally identify with the sentiments you described – For example, “Am I going crazy? How can someone say and do things that are so contradictory? How can someone act in ways that are so unloving? Is there anything or anyone that is SURE, FIRM and UNCHANGING? I need something solid to stand on, I am so exhausted by this quicksand!”
The bible says this is the human condition apart from the saving grace of God – we contradict ourselves, we contradict what is good, we contradict the image of God and His design. We are all sinners that have fallen short of the glory of God, who never contradicts His character.
Do you find comfort and reassurance in God always being who he says he is? And how does this help you understand the poor choices your husband made?
About rationalizing, or brushing aside, you are right on target with what I was getting at. Forgiveness is not the same as excusing. Forgiveness declares that no debt is owed because the offended party has paid or absorbed the price, rather than the offender. In my case, when I forgive it is because I trust the price Jesus paid is sufficient; I want to be out of the equation, and leave the judgment to God. It does not say that there was never any debt, nor does it imagine away the offence.
Finally, I would love to hear more about how you don’t see yourself belonging to any one church or religion. To be honest, I am looking for a parallel.. you are frank about how your husband disappointed you, but you are dating again. You are frank about how your leader disappointed you, but you are not in a church again?
Grace and peace, continuing to pray for you,
Kate
Kate:
God forgives our sins. This does not dismiss what we have done, or Excuse our behavior.
Forgiveness means freedom. When I forgive someone that has hurt me, it does not mean that I am weak…or that I approve of what they have done. I forgive them and move forward.
When I said that I “excused” my ex-husband’s angry outbursts, I should have said that I brushed them aside, or blew them off. Rationalized them by saying that he was under alot of stress as a reason for his behavior–didn’t make it OK.
Why did his acting differently towards me behind closed doors versus how he acted in public upset me so much?
I felt like I was losing my mind. He had me so confused sometimes, that I second guessed my self all the time. That was exactly what he wanted, so he could keep me right where he wanted me. He would do or say something hurtful, then have a vacant “dumb blonde” look on his face. He would act like the incident never happened.
I brought this up with my counselor. She said that there are some people who almost “black out” when they are filled with rage. Afterwards, they have no recollection what they have done.
You are right about
God always being who he says he is.
My ex promised to always love me, and never leave me. Liar. I was there for him when he couldn’t leave apartment for 3 days because of anxiety. I had to call in to his work, and say he wasn’t feeling well. He begged me, with tears in his eyes not to go to work that morning…It broke my heart to see him this way, and I called in to work and took a personal day. I rocked him in my arms like a baby, while tears poured down his cheeks. I was there for him because I loved him. Where else would I be? What kind of wife would I have been if I had said “suck it up”…and left him alone?
When the situation was reversed and I had post-partum depression, he was not supportive or loving at all. I felt lower than I ever have in my life, and wished that I were dead. All he had to say was : “What the F*** do you want me to do about it?” He held up his hand, to show that the conversation was over, and that he didn’t want to hear any more about it.
That showed me that he didn’t care, or love me.
In spite of that, and the verbal/emotional abuse that came in the months and years following that incident…I stayed for another 13 years.
I beat myself up for years…”I’m not good enough”. “If I were a better wife, homemeker, Mother and lover, he would look at me like he used to”. He’d love me again….
Working throught the pain is taking longer than I thought it would.
I see that when I put God first in my life, all else will follow.
I don ‘t see myself belonging to any one church or religion, however. I did not receive the kind of support from my bib le study group 2+ years ago. My leader had worked with a couple that managed to repair their marriage. The wife stayed with her repentant husband, in spite of years of his physical and verbal assults.
What my leader didn’t understand was that I was DONE. I had been pushed to the edge of losing my sanity, and self worth, and that I could endure no more.
Hi Celeste65,
Wow, I appreciate your openness. I also appreciate your directness. I can sense from your responses that you are a responsible and intelligent woman, and it also seems to me that you are very open to learning. Beautiful! I want to pick up on a couple things you mentioned, if you’re willing!
You said, about your ex-husband that “I excused his occasional angry outbursts…” What do you see as the difference between excusing and forgiving? In particular, does God promise to excuse our sins, or to forgive them? And why do think that is?
You also mentioned how your husband acted one way in front of people and another way in private. Can you lay a finger on why this is so upsetting? I agree totally with you that it is, but the point I am digging at is that this is a good leaping off point for understanding God’s holiness… God is the one who always is who He says He is, and always does what He says He will do. This is one characteristic that makes Him worthy of our full trust and adoration. This is also why giving your heart away to Him can never go wrong; His perfect agape love will never fail.
Agape love is precisely what you spoke of: putting the other person’s needs before your own, self-giving rather than self-preserving, no matter the cost to self. It would be very dangerous to live out this kind of love, were not our faith in the ever-faithful God of agape love.
So, where do you see God, the God of the Bible, fitting in your life, in these men’s lives and in relationship?
Many blessings, continuing to lift you up in prayer that our heavenly Father’s will will be done in your life, as it is in heaven.
Kate
Kate:
Sometimes I do think true love is just a fairy tale. The two most important men in my life were not the greatest representatives of how REAL MEN should treat women.
My father was never there for my sisters and I when we were growing up, and our mom did the best she could.
My Dad was always putting other things before us. (Race horses, Work, the other woman in his life.) He was constantly critical of me, my sisters and mom. I generally did things the way he wanted them done, so I didn’t have to hear him yell at me, or use the belt on me.
My now ex-husband was a little more subtle. He presented himself as one thing when we were dating, and for the first 3-4 years of our marriage. I excused his occasional angry outbursts as stress, either from his job or from planning our big wedding. My ex acted one way in front of my family, his family and at social functions. He was affectionate, holding my hand…rubbing my shoulders.
It was all an act.
In private, he was only “touchy” and affectionate when he wanted sex. He only asked me how my day was when he wanted sex.
I am dating someone currently.
I am taking time to vet him…to be sure before I give my heart away.
Truthfully, I don’t know if I can be sure if I am loved…in a dating relationship. I know what the red flags are now, and I am almost hyper-vigilant in spotting certain types of behavior.
For me, the characteristics of true love: Putting the other person’s needs before your own. Listening when I have something to say, and I mean REALLY listening–not pretending to listen, like my ex-husband did. Letting me know by his actions that he loves me. (My ex could say I Love You to me all day, and because his actions didn’t match up, I didn’t believe him.)
Another thing–loving me in spite of my faults. We are all human, and fall short in the eyes of God. I don’t need the man in my life to remind me of my many shortcomings, and how greatly I disappoint him.
Hi Celeste65,
Great to hear from you again. I am glad to hear that you are taking it slow, and also that counseling is helping you.
You bring up a very good point, about being willing to accept someone and accommodate yourself to them, “as long as I know that my man truly loves me.” How will you determine if he truly loves you? What are the characteristics of true love, and, have you witnessed them to be able to recognize them, or do you think true love is kind of a fairy tale?
Praying for you!
Kate
Well….being divorced and dating again has been interesting.
I’m taking it slow.
Through counseling I am working through trust issues and fears.
Since acknowledging this…I can accept it, as long as I know that
my man truly loves me. I can have sex when I’m not in the mood,
just to satisfy his need for release. I now have a new set of requirements.
For example, I will make it known up front that my needs must be met also.
No longer will I give myself completely to a man (emotionally, physically) and get nothing in return.
Hi Celeste65, thank you for sharing. How do you feel now that you acknowledge this? Where do you think you’ll go from here?
The thing that alot of women don’t understand…and it took me a long time to acknowledge this…is that sometimes sex is just a release for the man.
Most of the time I was disconnected/detatched emotionally from my now ex-husband.
Its something that I don’t like but need to accept. He doesn’t necessarily want ME–he wanted “IT”.
This was a good article. It helped to clear up the confusion that men seem to have, or pretend to have :). Keep writing articles like this, until men get it!! :)