When you were growing up you always assumed that your parents had money.

They must have been able to save a fair amount because every once in a while your Dad would come home with a new car. He despised credit or any other type of loan so it must have been a cash sale – and a toughly negotiated one at that!

Have they saved enough to get them through their retirement years safely? Did they get hurt by any of the disasters in the stock market lately? Has the cost of living gone up so much that a good retirement savings plan started twenty years ago looks pretty pathetic right now? Maybe they don’t really know what to do about their financial situation as they age.

Code of secrecy

Most families have a “code of secrecy” about mom and dad’s money. Nobody wants to discuss financial affairs because it might upset or embarrass their parents. Why don’t seniors talk openly about bills, savings plans and account balances to their families? It seems to be an unspoken rule in our society to keep these things private.

Until it’s too late – and then everybody panics.

“We had no idea that Mom and Dad were actually struggling with their retirement bills and didn’t have much money to spare,” says Marty. “They haven’t had a mortgage for as long as I can remember so I just assumed they were doing OK. I expected they had some savings somewhere.”

“They never had a habit of spending excess money on themselves so we didn’t suspect they were running short. The only clue that should have alerted us to some financial problems was the lack of Christmas presents for everyone last year. Usually if they were going to “go overboard” (in their terms) that was the time they would do it. Last year we didn’t see their usual pattern of generosity.”

So, what happened?

Marty’s father had done a good job providing for his family as they were growing up. Harold and Elsie had scrimped and saved to pay their home off within ten years of building it. Any extra savings had gone into ultra conservative investments that were government guaranteed. When Harold left his job with the railway, he was sure that his retirement would be secure with the savings and pensions they had.

Then he met Mr. Davidson: Thomas Davidson called Harold a few years ago and asked if they could meet and discuss his retirement income. He indicated that several of Harold’s fellow workers from the railway company had “modified” their investment plans and some of them had actually doubled their retirement income. Would Harold be interested in talking about something like this? Of course…anyone would at least take the time to hear the story. (Especially if his former co-workers were doing so well.)

As it turned out, Tom Davidson convinced Harold to switch a large part of his retirement savings to a “high growth – high return” plan. This new plan did very well for six months and Harold was pleased with himself for finally “taking a chance” with his investment. (He had always been ultra conservative.)

Then the bottom fell out and the fat monthly cheques stopped coming. Harold was stunned. The biggest part of his life savings was now gone and all he could do was “blame it on the market.”

He was too embarrassed to tell his family about the mess they were in so grandpa and grandma suffered in silence, all the while trying to put on a brave face….

Something is wrong

As time went by son Marty and daughter Peggy sensed that something was very wrong in mom and dad’s life. They decided to take a chance and ask some questions about money. They both agreed in advance that their parents’ dignity would be preserved at all costs, no matter what! They loved their parents deeply and didn’t want to hurt their feelings in any way.

When Harold finally opened up to his children, it became very clear that they were “house rich” and “cash poor.” Taxes, insurance and maintenance costs were eating up the income from the savings they had left so they were actually living strictly off their old age pensions.

There were some tears and lots of reassurance from the adult children about their love and respect for mom and dad no matter what had happened.

Working on solutions

Then this family sat down and came up with a workable financial solution. The value of Harold and Elsie’s home had gone up dramatically. You’ve all heard about reverse mortgages that give you monthly income from the equity in your home. Marty and Peggy got some good advice about setting up a similar plan but keeping it all within their family. (No outsiders or big fees.)

The children arranged a mortgage with a very low interest rate that paid mom and dad a good monthly income. In the will, the home was going to the children anyway – they were just helping out now while they could, when their parents really needed the assistance.

This family came up with a “back-up plan” to preserve the parents’ dignity and protect their assets.

Does your family need to talk?

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

“Why don’t they listen?  If I were raising those kids they would listen when they were told to do something! Why are they allowed to get away with things like that?”

Sound familiar?

Is your generation somewhat frustrated with the way kids are being brought up these days?  Do you feel that parents aren’t strict enough?  Do you often find yourself comparing child rearing then and now?

There have been dozens of best-selling books published over the last few decades that were supposed to contain the perfect plan for brining up little Jason or Emily.  There were breakthroughs in how young parents were to interact with their young children at all stages.  Have these new ideas worked?

Current experts will tell you that your methods of raising kids probably wouldn’t work today.  Apparently you cannot expect your children to raise your grandchildren the same way you raised them.  They say our culture has changed dramatically.

Some young parents’ philosophy of raising children is not to lay any boundaries and let the child make the most of their own decisions.  The parent doesn’t want to stifle their ability to make their own choices.  How does this fit with your style?  Do you think it is “overly permissive?”

Here’s the reality: No matter what you think, be very careful what you say because you might do permanent damage to your relationship with your children and their spouses. You may try to love you adult child by giving them advice, thinking you are helping them avoid difficulties.

BUT determine that your role is to support them on their journey through parenthood rather than intervening or second-guessing their decisions all the time.  Remember it is now their turn to be parents!

Your children and their spouses must navigate through all aspects of childcare: feeding, bedtime policy, napping, playtime issues, socialization, rules of sharing and the learning of health habits. (We haven’t even mentioned teen-age issues.)

Grandparents need to be supportive and recognize the “primary authority” of the parents in raising their grandchildren.  You can be an invaluable resource “when asked” but you must fit in with their family culture rather than challenging it.  Even though it’s hard, be prepared to take a back seat.

Valuable do and don’t:

• Do defer decision-making to the parents and go along with their rules.  When your grandson asks if he can have a snack before dinner, consider telling him it’s best to ask his Mom first.  This conveys your respect for his Mother’s authority.

• Don’t ever criticize how your grandchild is parented in front of your grandchild.  Don’t undermine the parents’ position.  You won’t be helping the situation.

• Parenting can be difficult so let the parents of your grandkids know when they are doing a great job.

• Compliment them on things that are working well.  Be available to release the pressure when you can.

• Above all else, enjoy your grandchildren!

The grandparenting role is one to relish, not fuss about.  Leave the parenting to the parents. So remember: Your role on the family team has changed.  You aren’t the coach anymore…you are now the president of their fan club. CHEER THEM ON!

© Allen Unrau

The lady introduces herself and explains why she’s there. Her name is Norma and she attends a seniors club that Robert has gone to occasionally since his wife died. She explains that they have never met but a friend mentioned that Robert had some china for sale that she might be interested in.

China for sale?

He recalls telling someone there were a few more items to sell. This is starting to make sense, so he shows her into the dining room and opens the china cabinet. She picks up a dinner plate and comments on the pattern and the remarkable condition of the dinner set. They chat for a minute about the fact that you don’t get good china like this anymore and then she sits down on the sofa.

The conversation changes to other things. Soon they are talking about their families, their hobbies and mutual acquaintances. Norma explains that she has been a widow for five years now and lives about fifteen minutes away in her own apartment. She tries to keep active and walks a mile every day for her health.

Robert is feeling very comfortable with Norma at this point…then something clicks. He had been a police officer for many years and his instinct is telling him that she probably isn’t here just to buy some china. As he thinks about it he realizes that she has never asked the price or how many setting were for sale. Why was she really here?

Ah ha!

The fact is that Robert was being set up. Not in a bad way or with any intent to harm him, but he was till being set up.

Several ladies at the club had recognized him as a “definite eligible” and thought that he and Norma would be a perfect “match.” They racked their brains as to how to get them together without it being obvious and the “china for sale” plan seemed perfect. If Norma had spent a bit more time actually being interested in the dinnerware and proposing a sale price Robert may never have caught on to the plot.

You were eligible in your twenties and you may be eligible again. The “pool of eligibles” is expanding now that the seniors population is one of the fastest growing segments of society. Aging isn’t what it used to be: 70 it seems, is the new 55. People think of themselves as younger and with good reason. The majority of folks 65+ are healthy, robust and full of life. So why not fall in love again at your age?

You’ve all heard the disaster stories about matchmakers who set up a couple only to have the relationship end quickly with broken hearts and deep feelings of resentment.

Fortunately, this didn’t happen for Robert and Norma!

Surrounded by their loving families and supportive friends, Robert and Norma became Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham. “I never thought I’d fall in love again,” said Robert. “Life is really work living! But I wouldn’t send her out to buy dinnerware. She’s not a very good negotiator…ha, ha.”

“I thank God she had the courage to ring my doorbell and as much as I thought I’d never say it…I’m thankful for those matchmakers!”

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

My grey hair got me into an interesting situation lately at the local supermarket.

When the transaction was over the young man at the end of the counter where the grocery bags ended up looked at me and made the following comment: “Would you like a hand out with your groceries today?”

My immediate reaction was to take offence. What was wrong with this guy? Did he think I was old? I controlled myself and said jokingly, “I’m probably in better physical condition than you are…I’m sure I can get these healthy foods to the car by myself!”

What I had just experienced was “age stereotyping.” This young man had been well trained to equate white hair (or a lack of it) with someone needing help.  His question was robotic based on some aspects of my appearance.  He was doing the right think just to be courteous…or was he?

This experience, along with being offered discounts on coffee at McDonalds, has started me down the road to “the Seniors experience.”

How are you treated in public?  Are they courteous or condescending?  Are they patronizing and presumptuous? Do some folks use a different language and tone of voice when they speak to you?  Does it sometimes feel like they are sorry you got so old and they are trying to be sympathetic?  Do they fawn over you and call you, “Sweetie” or “Deary?”

The media tend to stereotype a great deal when it comes to Seniors.  Most articles that I see written discuss cures for every type of disease and bladder control issue known to modern science.  They forget that you have a normal life beyond the “aches and pains of aging.”  I’m not sure if they really understand Senior values.

Society sometimes categorizes all older people as pretty much the same.  My research discovered five widespread myths about mature citizens that need to be eliminated.

• Myth #1 – People over 65 are old. They are not old in today’s world and more importantly, they do not feel old.
• Myth #2 – Older minds are not as active as younger minds. Not true by any means!
• Myth #3 – Older people are not productive. Mature folks are more open to flexible and productive involvement in work and volunteer projects.
• Myth #4 – Most older people are in ill health. This is not the case today.  I have clients 85+ that could walk several miles without breaking a sweat.
• Myth #5 – Older people are unattractive and sexless. Romance continues into later years and becomes deeper and more meaningful.

What do Seniors want?  Where do you fit in our society?  Do you want to be different and be treated differently just because of your age?  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if younger people came up to you and carried on a normal conversation as if you weren’t a Senior?

You can be the catalyst. Determine that you will speak to younger folks in a normal way.  They may be surprised to find out that you are just like them except for a few “wisdom wrinkles.”

Seniors Today – no age group is more varied in physical abilities, personal styles, tastes, desires and financial capability

Please Don’t Stereotype!

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Falls are the biggest health risk for seniors today.

Falling down only takes a second but recovering from a fall may take years and you may never be the same again.

Did you know:

• 33% of people aged 65 + will fall once a year.
• Falls are the most common cause of injury and the sixth leading cause of death for seniors.
• Canadians spend about $3 billion a year on medical care for fall-related injuries.

Make the changes to prevent a fall

After a fall, some elderly people who were fiercely independent will be forced to live in the care of their relatives or in nursing homes for the rest of their lives. Falls do not have to be a normal part of aging.

Are you at risk for falls? You can make changes to your living area and your behaviour that will help reduce your risk. We all know about the common sense risks to avoid: loose carpets, electrical and telephone cords, poor lighting, clutter on the stairs, showers or tubs without grab bars, etc. What about the risks you may not have considered?

• Pharmacy fainting?
  Do you take three or more medications daily? Multiple medications can cause dizziness, drowsiness and balance problems. These side effects dramatically increase your risk of falling. Have your health care provider review your medications every six months.

• Race to the ringing?
  Do you rush to get aringing telephone? Many falls occur at about the fourth ring! Cordless phones are the answer. Many are small enough to fit in your pocket.

• Up and over before breakfast?
  What can make you a “Dizzy Lizzy”? Prevention of falls starts when you get up in the morning. Sit on the edge of the bed and make sure you are not dizzy before you stand up. Bending over to reach low objects can cause lack of balance. Buy a long handled “reacher” at a medical supply store. Eat breakfast every morning. Skipping a meal could make you dizzy. Low blood pressure causes black-outs. Ask your doctor about it.

• Sight and sound symptoms?
  Have you or those around you noticed a change in your hearing or vision? Dizziness can occur with hearing loss. Seeing obstacles is obviously the first step in avoiding a fall. You may be wearing the wrong glasses. Get your prescription checked regularly. How far are your glasses from your bed? When you get up to look for them, you are at your greatest risk of falling!

• Flipping over fluffy?
  Train your loving pet to stay out of your way. My wife’s aunt had a devastating fall over a sleeping cat. Your pet will learn very quickly which is their side of the road!

What does all this mean for you? Falling, slipping and tripping are not normal. If you’ve had a few close calls lately, talk to your doctor. Always remember: Falls are preventable!

Will keeping in touch with old friends guarantee to keep you younger?

Do you want to live a rich long life?

Then make some friends and plan to spend some quality time with them on a regular basis. A recent study of older adults in the British Medical Journal shows that seniors who spend quality time among friends live longer, happier lives than their non-social peers. Social activities such as volunteering, dining with friends or just socializing with others reduces stress, enhances well being and creates a sense of personal worth and belonging.

You don’t have time for friends?

It’s easy to get wrapped up in your daily routine and say that you don’t have time for friends, but people connections are so important to your health that making time for friends should be a priority. An active social network helps you fight feelings of loneliness and isolation. Having good friends has even been shown to help prevent depression.

When friends call to invite you out with them, don’t automatically say no. Sometimes you get into the habit of declining invitations and do so without even thinking. Even if you don’t feel like doing something when they call, accept the invitation anyway. Once you join them, you’ll be glad you did. Plan to have “regular” outings with your friends – at least once a week for socializing. It’s a wonderful prescription for your physical and mental health.

Get out and socialize and build your “friendship bank” for the future. The more people you interact with daily, the more chance there is to form new bonds. As you age, you will lose friends for various reasons, so plan ahead now. Make your social network a priority and you will be rewarded with a lifetime supply of “good as gold” friendships.

If you haven’t seen certain friends for a while, call someone right now and make a date to get together. Maintain the network of friends you do have and set a goal to make new friends whenever you can. If possible, broaden your social network to include a variety of people of all ages. Being involved in the lives of younger folks with go a long way to keeping you healthy as well.

Do people who give actually live longer?

According to a study about to be published in Psycholigical Science, older people who are regularly helpful to others reduce their risk of dying by over 50 percent compared to peers who provide no practical or emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends.  Give and live – this sounds like a good plan!

Stay in touch with relatives and strengthen those family ties!

As you grow older, families and extended families tend to scatter across the country and even around the globe. Do your best not to lose touch. Families are forever. They are there for you through good and bad, providing emotional and practical help when you need it. Always be available to them when they need your support as well. If your family has developed some “broken fences,” fix them quickly. Life is too short.

Get involved with clubs, volunteer organizations or active social groups. This is a comfortable way to meet lots of new people who share your goals and interests. You will always “click” with someone when you join a group.

Some things that lead to longevity can’t be measured in a test tube. They are free and they are up to you.…

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Bill and Dorothy were married in a “double wedding” ceremony in a small church on the Prairies (Canada).

Both bridegrooms wore formal white sport coats and black bowties for the occasion. Of course the boys were nervous. Neither of them had ever been dressed up this fancy before. What if they made a mistake during their vows and said something dumb? (every man’s secret fear!)

The brides looked so very young and innocent. They were just farm girls in their late teens wearing magnificent white wedding gowns. Their wedding dresses were a “once in a lifetime” creation, hand sewn by the best seamstress in their family. They would be cherished and preserved forever.

Did these four young people know what they were getting into?

In a few minutes they were going to be responsible for another person for the rest of their lives. Could an eighteen-year-old really understand the responsibility they were accepting?

The minister wore black and spoke slowly but firmly about the commitment they were making. He reminded them that their promises to each other were for life and they believed him. He used phrases like, “till death do you part” and they agreed to uphold their vows in front of their family and friends that packed that little wooden church.

Bill and Dorothy had received no marriage counseling before their wedding. Their local library offered no self-help books on establishing meaningful life-long relationships between husbands and wives. How were they every going to make it? What chance did they really have?

Powerful role models

They may not have been offered any pre-marriage training, but they did have powerful examples of successful marriages right in their own families. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles…not perfect marriages, but couples that stuck together, honored and respected each other during the good times and also when disaster and disappointment struck.

Agnes Brown (Dorothy’s aunt) recalled some valuable advice that her grandmother had been given on her wedding day back in 1895. She asked if Dorothy would please continue to pass it on to future generations at their weddings. Here’s the marriage tip that had proven effective for decades:

If you want your relationship to last, never go to sleep angry at each other. Promise your spouse that you will resolve things the same day. Always kiss your partner goodnight and you will start the next day with a refreshed commitment to your marriage.

All too soon the wedding celebration was over and it was time to start their new life together. Bill and Dorothy McLaren drove out of the church yard in Uncle Harold’s ’49 Ford that he had graciously donated for their honeymoon trip to Saskatoon. Within five days they were back on Bill’s father’s farm and had settled into the cottage that would be their home for the next few years.

Where are they now?

Five decades have passed. This spring, Bill and Dorothy’s family organized a 50th anniversary celebration for their mom and dad. The hall was packed with friends and family and the memories were sweet as one after another they got up and paid tribute to this remarkable couple.

They certainly deserved to celebrate! Over the period of 50 years, they have built a legacy that can’t be measured in material possessions but rather by the lives that have been touched through their union.

Everyone in the room recognized their dedication and commitment to each other after all these years and the younger folks were surprised that there was still some fire in their kisses! Jessica, a granddaughter, commented that she hoped she could find a good man like her grandpa – just with a bit more hair. She wants to have a marriage just like theirs. She just doesn’t want to start out with no money, like they did. (Sound familiar?)

Encouraging words

Tim, their oldest son, finished the evening off with comments that compared their 50 years of marriage to an Olympic event:

“Athletes train all their lives to compete for the Gold. They discipline themselves, they endure, they persevere and they never think of quitting. They know their weaknesses and work endlessly to correct their faults. These athletes are society’s heroes.”

“But who are the real heroes in our society? I believe that folks like you, mom and dad, are even more valuable that Olympic golf medal athletes. As your family, we want to honor you on this day of very special achievement. We are proud of the strength and determination that carried you through the hard years. We are proud of all that you are! The success that I will achieve in my marriage will probably come from watching your example.”

“Consider your golden wedding celebration your gold medal mom and dad! In our opinion, you have “maximized” your marriage and many future generations will be blessed because of you.”

© Allen Unrau

“You have cancer.”

Dr. Marshall quickly went on to describe the treatment program…. Clarence only heard the diagnosis. The day he feared since his mother’s death had finally arrived. The predator that stalked him mentally now claimed its victim physically. It was real.

This was the day he officially became a cancer patient. All those cancer thoughts he kept below the surface now erupted like a geyser in his mind.

“Face your mortality Clarence – you knew this was coming someday.”

For a split second he was angry. “Am I being punished for something?”

First things first

Quickly his planning nature took over. “Who should I tell first? Is my life insurance up to date? How long do I actually have to get my affairs in order?”

Then the second guessing and if only stages kicked in. “Should I get another opinion? Why didn’t I get a full body scan? I could afford it – maybe they would have caught it
sooner….”

Confusion, anxiety and then a calmness took over. For some strange reason he thought back to those summer evenings when all the kids on the block would play “kick the can” until dark. That was the rule: home when the street lights came on.

Clarence would always report to his front door and plead for 15 minutes more play time. Usually his mother would bend the rules and grant his request. As he walked to his car in the hospital parking lot, he asked God for more time.

Now he needed to announce the bad news. Who should know first and how would he say it? The telling stage offered a few surprises.

His sister Peggy recoiled from his revelation of cancer. From that moment she wore emotional armour as if protecting herself from anthrax. Obviously his announcement forced her to face her own mortality. “I wonder how long he’s got?”

“Where are you off to this morning Mr. Evans?” asked the ticket agent at the airport check-out counter.

“Just going for my first cancer treatment,” replied Clarence. To his astonishment she stepped from behind the counter and hugged him.

“My Dad is in the middle of radiation treatment right now.” A total stranger – totally comfortable with acknowledging his cancer.

Certain friends came up with time-worn sympathy sayings. To be fair to them, they were caught off guard by the news. Some folks tripped all over their good intentions and blurted out unwelcome comments like, “You’re going to a better place” or “You’ve had many good years so far – you’ve lived a good life.”

Invisible friend

Once someone knew about his cancer they either drew closer to Clarence or became experts at avoidance. One day he encountered an invisible friend at the supermarket. It was almost humorous to watch a guy he used to work with attempt to disappear in the produce aisle. Alex Naismith started a conversation with a total stranger at the banana bin to avoid a conversation with him.

Clarence didn’t blame him or take the apparent affront personally. His doctor had prepared him for situations like this. Some folks are so terrified of saying something inappropriate that they would rather avoid you completely.

Cancer labels its victims. Clarence had never felt as categorized as he did now – the guy with the life-threatening disease. The way people talked to him had changed. He was different now. Was there a “C” on his forehead?

Being singled out reminded him of certain chickens at his Uncle Arnold’s farm when he was a child. Their yard was always full of hens and roosters – hundreds of them clucked and crowed their greeting to the city cousins arriving for their summer break.

Visitors fed the flock…that was the deal. Uncle would dole out the buckets and Clarence would dip into the dusty feed bin to do his guest chores before dinner. A mass of Rhode Island Reds bumping and jostling around him, frantic for their nourishment. Then it was over – they were satisfied. As he walked back to the house he would see two or three plump hens imprisoned in wire mesh beside the machine shed. They looked the same as the rest of the flock…why were they there?

Dinner. They had been singled out. No apparent reason. They were just handy when Uncle Arnold opened the barn doors that day. Aunt Sophie was planning a big meal and they were necessary. They hadn’t been part of the usual mad scramble for grain that day. They were prisoners awaiting their fate. Clarence felt compassion for the captives.

He had a secret desire to unlatch the cage door and return them to the flock. Uncle Arnold would never recognize them back in the crowd and they would have a chance to live. As a gesture of good will he would secretly slip a handful of chicken feed into their cage as he passed by.

Cancer is like that. It singles you out for no apparent reason. Suddenly you are different.

Pretend you are a friend, relative or coworker of Clarence Evans. What do you say, how do you act; what is the etiquette around dreadful diseases?

Cancer support groups offer the following suggestions:

• Talk about it with them. There is no perfect script for you to follow word for word that will automatically make the cancer victim feel better. The key is to acknowledge the cancer and speak about their thoughts, feelings and fears. Talking openly with someone you care about is a healthy way to deal with bad news. Don’t avoid the “C” word in front of them; pretending it doesn’t exist is not helpful.

• Touch them. If you haven’t lived with cancer you may be uncomfortable touching someone diagnosed with the disease. They may look exactly the same as before you knew but you may not want to hug them tightly, hold their hand or kiss them. Even your handshake may not be as enthusiastic as it was pre-cancer. Don’t shrink back – they are not lepers. Touch is comforting and reassuring. Your physical closeness is important. A gentle touch can express much if you want to communicate…without words.

• Include them. Keep them active in “normal” activities. Don’t make them feel that when you are together it is only because of them or the meeting is a special event. They have interests they want to continue sharing. (Life goes on.) Involve them as always…they’ll tell you if it’s not convenient.

Clarence went in for surgery at Meadowlands Hospital. When the anesthetic wore off he asked for his doctor. “Tell me the truth Doc…what did you find?”

“We got it all.”

With those words, Dr. Marshall reached down and unlatched the chicken wire gate of the cancer cage. He released Clarence back to the flock.

Never was a man happier to disappear into the throng of the healthy…God had decided to give him more time.

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Gary: “Dad didn’t encourage or discourage our decisions. He just watched from a distance as mom ran the household. He was always at work.”

Donna: “My family had two many rules. Lights out at 10. Supper every day at exactly 5:45 (grounded if you were late). We had no freedom. They didn’t trust any of us one bit. They made all the decisions – no questions asked – no explanations given. I couldn’t wait to get across the street to my friend’s house after school.”

Barry: “Mom and Dad always believed in me, even when I failed tenth grade. I knew my teachers had written me off but my parents still had faith that I would become a success somehow. I remember Dad sliding that horrible report card back into the brown school envelope unsigned.”

“Son, you’ve got the brains and the talent. How can we help you more?”

“I’m a doctor today because of that critical moment in the kitchen of our old house on Williams Street. He could have crushed my spirit with cruel criticism, but he chose instead to believe in me.”

Madge had just been given a quick review of the parenting skill of some of her relatives:

Gerard & Cora (was he away too much?)
Leroy & Luella (sounds like the Gestapo)
Russ & Tina (good job – I would have thrown the kid out)

Did you do a good job?

Your children are adults now. Their personalities, habits and patterns are set. The controls have shifted from your hands to theirs.

Did you do a good job of raising them? Did you do it by the book? Do they remember you as a motivator and encourager or as a critical disciplinarian! Do you dare ask if you raised them right?

Thank goodness for the child-rearing courses you took before becoming a parent. They unlocked the secrets of early childhood behaviour and gave you numerous options for resolving conflicts between your six and seven-year-olds. (You took the courses, didn’t you?)

Do you remember the comfort of being able to go to your bookshelf and retrieve volume IV of Parent and Child Encyclopedia when your daughter was suspended from school for defiance? Three suggestions and one always worked. (You had that encyclopedia didn’t you?)

Parenting magazines were everywhere with well researched articles offering proven methods and strategies for dealing with everything from potty training to adolescent impudence. (You were a subscriber, weren’t you?)

Oh…you missed all the training and advice, did you? How did you ever imagine you could be a successful parent without completing a bunch of child-rearing courses? Were you crazy…taking on a job like that uneducated? Who taught you how to parent? You actually thought you could succeed by just using the style your parents used – modified a bit to suit the background of your new spouse?

Let’s hear from them

I sense that some of your adult children are listening in on all of this…let’s chat with them about raising kids. Did your parents make some mistakes that you have promised to avoid? Are you going to do it so much different – so much better? Is there tension between you now because of the way you are raising their grandchildren? All the best to you on your parenting journey, but remember this about the models you’ve had (your parents):

• They were mere mortals with all the normal flaws and inadequacies. Plus they probably battled through difficult circumstances while raising you.
• They love you even if they didn’t say it enough. They would die for you.

If your parenting style is causing tension between you and your parents, try to understand how they are feeling and why they may be reacting as they are. It’s not uncommon for grandparents watching a different style of child-rearing to feel like they’ve failed. Why aren’t you raising your kids the way we raised you? They may suspect you had an unhappy childhood.

What your parents need right now is reassurance that you still respect their values. Identify the strong reasons for your new parenting style. Explain why you feel these methods are best for your children in today’s society. Confirm your love and respect for your father and mother. Tell them about all the family traditions that you intend to continue in your home.

Take a moment and project yourself into the future when your children are grown. They are in a Starbucks sipping latte’s and describing their upbringing. What would you hear? Glowing reports of your home as a childhood utopia or some mention of parental failures and inadequacies as well? Had they suffered because of your mistakes?

Wasn’t I the perfect parent?

You were going to be the perfect parent (training, education and research) and you still missed the mark on some issues – sound familiar?

Well, Boomers and Seniors…your turn again. Do you dare ask your adult children if you raised them right? Yes you should – take the challenge. Ask the hard questions. Get the straight goods from them. Invite them to choose the proven methods from your parenting career and eliminate the blunders when raising your grandchildren and great grandchildren. Get together and create your own informal family parenting forum. Future generations may benefit from your willingness to become vulnerable and ask them how you did.

Back to the family gathering. The last adult cousin that Madge heard was Natalie:

“My parents are the foundation of my life. They both had their quirks and each made their share of mistakes raising us…they were only human. I’m sure I drove my mother nuts with my constant “why me?” every time she asked me to do something. My dad always helped me with my homework. He taught me the original concepts of math with coloured jelly beans at our kitchen table. I wish he would have pushed me harder to go to university.

“As a teenager I lied to them so many times and they always forgave me. Some of my friends’ parents used guilt to try and control them…my parents were firm but tried to use support and encouragement instead.

“How did they even know where to start with us? They had no training. Talk about practicing without a license or working without a net. I truly believe I won the Parent Lottery. They raised me right.”

Eldon and Pearl Ellis where are you? Stand up and take a bow…Natalie’s comments to her cousins have just qualified you for your parenting credentials 36 years after you took the job.

Join me as we listen in on a family meeting.

Ralph and Eva are 80 and 78 and still live in their own home. 55 year-old Rick and his wife Pat live in the area and already have three grandchildren. 49 year old daughter Marlene is divorced and lives in Toronto. The meeting is taking place in Ralph and Eva’s living room with Marlene joining them by speaker phone. There have been many letters, phone calls and e-mails, but now it’s time to talk.

Son Rick starts the discussion: “Mom and Dad you know we all love you and care about you both so very much. We want to be sure that you are safe and healthy. We don’t want to interfere because we know how much you value your independence, but we are noticing some changes taking place. We’ve all been afraid to talk to you about these things because we don’t want to hurt your feelings and make you upset.”

Daughter Marlene on the speaker phone: “I really appreciate your letters and the time we spend on the phone together. You always tell me everything is going along just fine and you don’t need any help, but sometimes I don’t believe you. I can’t help you financially and I’m not able to be there to give you support when you need it. Sometimes I feel guilty that you are getting older and I’m not doing enough.

“During our last conversation I told you that because of your age you should sell the house and move into a seniors home. I really didn’t think that one through before I said it. I didn’t consider all the changes that would bring into your lives. I spoke too soon.”

Ralph speaks up: “You don’t know how wonderful it feels to be able to talk openly about our ‘getting old’ issues with our family. We know you are worried about us – we’ve sensed that for a while. I’ll let you in on a few secrets. Sometimes it gets a bit annoying when you ‘double-check’ everything we do. (I think our minds are still good) We don’t always tell you about our visits to the doctor because when we do we usually end up with dozens of pages of medical advice from your computer. At that point we are really confused as to who to believe.

“We knew this meeting was coming up and mom and I talked a few things over. The most important thing to us is to be able to stay in our own home as long as we can! We don’t want to feel pushed to move if that is what you are thinking. In our minds we don’t need to ‘fix something that isn’t broken yet.’ Both of us have decided to listen to your advice and get some help around the house and yard.

“I know we’ve been calling you, Rick, every time something needs attention and that has probably been stressful for you. (You are a very busy man right now.) We’ve saved a bit of extra money and have decided to hire someone to cut the grass and look after  maintenance around here. It’s hard for me to spend the money but I know if we want to stay here it’s the right thing to do.”

Rick’s response: “We only want what’s best for you. I’m so happy you are finally telling us what you really want. I always felt I was having to ‘second guess’ what you were saying. Pat and I will do everything we can to let you stay right where you are. All of us love coming over to your place. We were having a hard time imagining you leaving it.”

Marlene on the phone: “I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with you mom and dad. You’ve always been there for me – that’s for sure. I promise to let you make your own choices and I will support your decisions if you promise to be absolutely open with me. I’m not going to feel guilty anymore because I live so far away, and I further promise to weed your garden when I come out this summer. (You know how much I hated that when I was a kid.)

“I feel today that I’m getting a chance to love and understand you in a new way. I was secretly dreading you getting older and not really knowing what to do or say.”

The family meeting ended and life went on. Ralph and Eva lived in their own home for four more years before moving willingly to a seniors home. This family developed a process to understand the problems they would face and a plan of how to cope. They avoided the cycle of guilt, resentment, anger and bitterness.

Good advice: Face reality now. Talk, communicate, discuss….

© Allen Unrau