You feel that your mother should move.  She wants to stay right where she is and can give you ten good reasons for her decision.

You feel hurt because your intentions were good. You only wanted the best for her and now it seems like she’s pushing you away. The same woman that encouraged you to make your own decisions throughout your lifetime is now making some of her own and it feels uncomfortable.

She has never actually come out and told you what you should do.  There were many gentle suggestions and subtle direction signs that you may not have noticed at the time, but she always made sure the final decision was yours.

Her last words about decisions in your life were:

“You’ve got to live with what you decide.  Look five years down the road and take your time with your choices.  I’ll help you all I can, but ultimately it’s up to you.”

You think she’s making the wrong choice

Right now you think she’s making the wrong choice in staying where she is.  You feel that her safety may even be a concern in the next few years if she doesn’t make some changes now.

She softens up, puts her arms around you and tells you she loves you.  “I’m just fine here you know.  You worry too much about me, but I do appreciate it!  We’ll talk about it later.”

She got away with it again…you feel.  In your mind there is unfinished business.  In her mind it’s business as usual.  She’s on her own and wants to stay that way.  You might be in for some hurtful confrontation if you don’t put a family decision-making plan into place in the near future.  If you are right and her situation is actually deteriorating, she may not be able to make clear, rational decisions when the time comes.  If you are wrong and try to force her to make choices too early, you will alienate yourself from your own Mother.

As your years increase, who should decide what in your family?  Will you all just coast along and hope that everything works itself out or will you put a plan in place now that you all agree with?

In this culture we push independence like it was sacred. Even when we see someone making a horrible mistake, we tend to let them go because we don’t want to be “meddlers.”  Should you consider giving up a small amount of independence now for the comfort and security of future help when you really need it?  Of course, adult children should allow their parents to take some risk, but at what cost?  Many adult children feel trapped in a no-win situation:

• Say nothing and feel guilty for the rest of your life if something terrible happens to your parent – or-
• Push your point and feel a coldness creep over your relationship with your Mom and Dad.

So, who should decide what and for whom?

Is there one member in your family who gets stuck with making all the decisions?  They have always been looked upon as the wise one and the rest of you have left everything up to them.  Everyone seems to disappear when the tough choices come up.  You would be well advised to decide right now to make major decision as a complete family before your elderly parents age any more.

Here’s the plan: Write down all the future decisions that you can think of.  For example: Where will Mom and Dad live when they can’t drive anymore?  Distribute the list when they can’t drive anymore.  Distribute the list of future decisions to your entire family.  Sometimes great wisdom comes from sixteen year-olds as well!  Take the risk and meet as a family as soon as possible.  These issues are very sensitive.  Remind each other constantly that difficult decisions made are not a reflection of your love for each other.… Learn to accept each other’s decisions after they’ve gone through the “family decision making process.”

Always ask this final question: Is this decision the best interests of the other person or is it really in my best interest and for my convenience?

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Bill and Dorothy were married in a “double wedding” ceremony in a small church on the Prairies (Canada).

Both bridegrooms wore formal white sport coats and black bowties for the occasion. Of course the boys were nervous. Neither of them had ever been dressed up this fancy before. What if they made a mistake during their vows and said something dumb? (every man’s secret fear!)

The brides looked so very young and innocent. They were just farm girls in their late teens wearing magnificent white wedding gowns. Their wedding dresses were a “once in a lifetime” creation, hand sewn by the best seamstress in their family. They would be cherished and preserved forever.

Did these four young people know what they were getting into?

In a few minutes they were going to be responsible for another person for the rest of their lives. Could an eighteen-year-old really understand the responsibility they were accepting?

The minister wore black and spoke slowly but firmly about the commitment they were making. He reminded them that their promises to each other were for life and they believed him. He used phrases like, “till death do you part” and they agreed to uphold their vows in front of their family and friends that packed that little wooden church.

Bill and Dorothy had received no marriage counseling before their wedding. Their local library offered no self-help books on establishing meaningful life-long relationships between husbands and wives. How were they every going to make it? What chance did they really have?

Powerful role models

They may not have been offered any pre-marriage training, but they did have powerful examples of successful marriages right in their own families. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles…not perfect marriages, but couples that stuck together, honored and respected each other during the good times and also when disaster and disappointment struck.

Agnes Brown (Dorothy’s aunt) recalled some valuable advice that her grandmother had been given on her wedding day back in 1895. She asked if Dorothy would please continue to pass it on to future generations at their weddings. Here’s the marriage tip that had proven effective for decades:

If you want your relationship to last, never go to sleep angry at each other. Promise your spouse that you will resolve things the same day. Always kiss your partner goodnight and you will start the next day with a refreshed commitment to your marriage.

All too soon the wedding celebration was over and it was time to start their new life together. Bill and Dorothy McLaren drove out of the church yard in Uncle Harold’s ’49 Ford that he had graciously donated for their honeymoon trip to Saskatoon. Within five days they were back on Bill’s father’s farm and had settled into the cottage that would be their home for the next few years.

Where are they now?

Five decades have passed. This spring, Bill and Dorothy’s family organized a 50th anniversary celebration for their mom and dad. The hall was packed with friends and family and the memories were sweet as one after another they got up and paid tribute to this remarkable couple.

They certainly deserved to celebrate! Over the period of 50 years, they have built a legacy that can’t be measured in material possessions but rather by the lives that have been touched through their union.

Everyone in the room recognized their dedication and commitment to each other after all these years and the younger folks were surprised that there was still some fire in their kisses! Jessica, a granddaughter, commented that she hoped she could find a good man like her grandpa – just with a bit more hair. She wants to have a marriage just like theirs. She just doesn’t want to start out with no money, like they did. (Sound familiar?)

Encouraging words

Tim, their oldest son, finished the evening off with comments that compared their 50 years of marriage to an Olympic event:

“Athletes train all their lives to compete for the Gold. They discipline themselves, they endure, they persevere and they never think of quitting. They know their weaknesses and work endlessly to correct their faults. These athletes are society’s heroes.”

“But who are the real heroes in our society? I believe that folks like you, mom and dad, are even more valuable that Olympic golf medal athletes. As your family, we want to honor you on this day of very special achievement. We are proud of the strength and determination that carried you through the hard years. We are proud of all that you are! The success that I will achieve in my marriage will probably come from watching your example.”

“Consider your golden wedding celebration your gold medal mom and dad! In our opinion, you have “maximized” your marriage and many future generations will be blessed because of you.”

© Allen Unrau

Victoria’s mother-in-law is 80 years old. Even after forty years, their relationship is rocky and she still has unresolved issues that gnaw away at her.

Last week, just for interest’s sake, Victoria tried to recall the number of times that her M-I-L had given her a gift with no strings attached. The only item that she could remember was the old TV she brought over after winning a new one in a contest.

From the beginning

This relationship started off poorly right from the start. At Victoria’s wedding, her M-I-L demanded that she (the bride), the other daughter-in-law and son-in-law step out of the pictures so the photographer (paid for by Victoria’s family) could take some photos of “her family.” Her new brother-in-law, standing beside her, told her to get used to it because their M-I-L does this at all occasions.

Victoria’s in-laws have always had an amazing amount of knowledge about each family member’s personal financial affairs and they seem to believe it is their duty to share this information with all their relatives.

At a recent family dinner party the topic of a cousin’s financial situation came up. Victoria’s M-I-L and F-I-L proceeded to talk quite specifically (this was not guess work) about this cousin’s income and expenses and speculated how much would be left for savings at the end of each month. They rambled on for some time, discussing car payments, mortgage payments, credit card debt (etc.) all of which was known with uncanny accuracy.

Tight lipped

As Victoria and her husband Ed left the party, she made him promise to never divulge a single piece of their financial information to any family member even if they say they are “just trying to help.” She could just imagine their personal finances being dissected and analyzed by her M-I-L at the next family gathering they weren’t able to attend.

Victoria really hopes to have a good relationship with her in the future. She wants to be able to deal with her effectively and kindly – especially now that she is again…already 80 – but it never seems to work! She just plain dislikes her M-I-L so much because of their difficult history and her negative personality traits. She has tried in the past to talk to her about how she feels and include her in their lives but she always oversteps her boundaries or shows no appreciation.

And she talks so much! Victoria and Ed were driving into the city the other day and saw a bumper sticker that said it perfectly: Help!! I’m talking and I can’t shut up.…

When she got married, Victoria imagined that her new M-I-L would be this wonderful supportive person who would also be a great friend and mentor. She is so sad that even after 40 years she can barely tolerate her and sees no hope of ever having a close and meaningful relationship with her.

Sad isn’t it?  Are you involved in a situation like this?

Now for some good news

Tanya’s mother-in-law is 60 and the most wonderful person she has every known! She never interferes and treats Tanya as her own daughter…not just her son’s wife. She quietly supports the decisions they make and only gives advice when asked (and then carefully). She never uses guilt or manipulation to control her son or daughter-in-law. She also loves all her grandchildren equally and unconditionally. She’s known as the perfect M-I-L.

Victoria decided the day her son married Tanya 15 years ago that she would be exactly the kind of mother-in-law she wished she could have had.

Congratulations Victoria for breaking the cycle!

On a personal note…my M-I-L, Margaret, just left after spending two weeks with us. She’s a 9.9 out of 10. (Nobody’s perfect!)

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Eric and Tina were retired and quite happy with the way things were going.

Their daughter was married to Mark and they were raising three beautiful children: Cassie, Allison and Justin.  Their son-in-law Mark was a hard worker and provided very well for Debbie and the kids.  He was a long distance truck driver.  When he was away on the weekends, everyone came to stay at Grandma’s house.  Retirement seemed to be perfect for Eric and Tina.

Situations can change quickly in life

As you know, situations can change quickly in life.  The school called Debbie to let her know that Allison had fallen on the playground and was having trouble getting up.

Eric and Tina’s worst fears were realized three weeks later when their seven-year-old granddaughter was diagnosed with a rare spinal disease. She was now in a wheelchair and the local doctors reluctantly told the family that she probably wouldn’t walk again.

This family doesn’t give up easily and they had faith that something could be done.  Thank goodness for the Internet!  Debbie and her friends spent countless hours searching for other cases of this disease on medical sites.  Finally they found a short article about a child in Rhode Island with a spinal disease that matched Allison’s diagnosis.  This child’s family had located a surgeon at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix that had been prepared to perform and experimental operation.  She was walking again!  There was hope…

Hope with a huge price tag

Their new hope came with a huge price tag.  This operation was not covered by their medical insurance. The estimated costs were far more than the family could afford so they started searching for grants from charitable organizations.  None existed for this type of medical procedure.  They were stuck.

There were many family meetings to strategize how to raise the money for Allison.  Eric had about half the money in savings and he willingly offered it with Tina’s blessing.  It still wasn’t enough…what were they going to do?  They agonized over the situation for a week and then came up with a solution:  grandparents Eric and Tina would sell their home and pay for the operation. They located a rental unit in a senior housing complex and made a reservation there.  This would wipe them out financially but they would still have their monthly pensions to get by on.  Without question, Allison was worth it!

The real estate sign went up in the yard and the buyer started coming through.  They had 15 showings in two weeks but no offers.  They were very discouraged.  “You mean we can’t even sell the house when we want to do this wonderful thing for our granddaughter?  How long will we have to wait?”

Offer from Heaven

On Monday morning a well-dressed couple came through with their realtor. Apparently they were looking for a home for their daughter.  (Eric and Tina were in the back yard trying to stay out of the way.)  The buyers took special interest in the vegetable garden and started talking to them.  They asked why they were selling and Tina felt she should tell them the whole story about their granddaughter.  The couple left with tears in their eyes.

On Wednesday Eric and Tina’s realtor called to say he had an offer to present to them. (What a relief) The buyer’s realtor would be there to explain things.  Could they meet at three?

This offer was unlike any other offer ever presented in the real estate business.  In the envelope was a financial commitment to pay for the entire amount of Allison’s surgery.  These buyers just happened to represent a family foundation that funded situations like this. A note attached read, “Take your ‘for sale’ sign down.  Enjoy your garden and your family…you deserve it.  Both realtors have been offered compensation and both have flatly refused.  They are so happy for you.”

Allison’s eighth birthday party was held in Grandpa and Grandma’s back yard.  The photo of her blowing out the candles showed grass stains on her new dress.  That pesky little brother Justin had been chasing her again….

© Allen Unrau

Join me as we listen in on a family meeting.

Ralph and Eva are 80 and 78 and still live in their own home. 55 year-old Rick and his wife Pat live in the area and already have three grandchildren. 49 year old daughter Marlene is divorced and lives in Toronto. The meeting is taking place in Ralph and Eva’s living room with Marlene joining them by speaker phone. There have been many letters, phone calls and e-mails, but now it’s time to talk.

Son Rick starts the discussion: “Mom and Dad you know we all love you and care about you both so very much. We want to be sure that you are safe and healthy. We don’t want to interfere because we know how much you value your independence, but we are noticing some changes taking place. We’ve all been afraid to talk to you about these things because we don’t want to hurt your feelings and make you upset.”

Daughter Marlene on the speaker phone: “I really appreciate your letters and the time we spend on the phone together. You always tell me everything is going along just fine and you don’t need any help, but sometimes I don’t believe you. I can’t help you financially and I’m not able to be there to give you support when you need it. Sometimes I feel guilty that you are getting older and I’m not doing enough.

“During our last conversation I told you that because of your age you should sell the house and move into a seniors home. I really didn’t think that one through before I said it. I didn’t consider all the changes that would bring into your lives. I spoke too soon.”

Ralph speaks up: “You don’t know how wonderful it feels to be able to talk openly about our ‘getting old’ issues with our family. We know you are worried about us – we’ve sensed that for a while. I’ll let you in on a few secrets. Sometimes it gets a bit annoying when you ‘double-check’ everything we do. (I think our minds are still good) We don’t always tell you about our visits to the doctor because when we do we usually end up with dozens of pages of medical advice from your computer. At that point we are really confused as to who to believe.

“We knew this meeting was coming up and mom and I talked a few things over. The most important thing to us is to be able to stay in our own home as long as we can! We don’t want to feel pushed to move if that is what you are thinking. In our minds we don’t need to ‘fix something that isn’t broken yet.’ Both of us have decided to listen to your advice and get some help around the house and yard.

“I know we’ve been calling you, Rick, every time something needs attention and that has probably been stressful for you. (You are a very busy man right now.) We’ve saved a bit of extra money and have decided to hire someone to cut the grass and look after  maintenance around here. It’s hard for me to spend the money but I know if we want to stay here it’s the right thing to do.”

Rick’s response: “We only want what’s best for you. I’m so happy you are finally telling us what you really want. I always felt I was having to ‘second guess’ what you were saying. Pat and I will do everything we can to let you stay right where you are. All of us love coming over to your place. We were having a hard time imagining you leaving it.”

Marlene on the phone: “I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with you mom and dad. You’ve always been there for me – that’s for sure. I promise to let you make your own choices and I will support your decisions if you promise to be absolutely open with me. I’m not going to feel guilty anymore because I live so far away, and I further promise to weed your garden when I come out this summer. (You know how much I hated that when I was a kid.)

“I feel today that I’m getting a chance to love and understand you in a new way. I was secretly dreading you getting older and not really knowing what to do or say.”

The family meeting ended and life went on. Ralph and Eva lived in their own home for four more years before moving willingly to a seniors home. This family developed a process to understand the problems they would face and a plan of how to cope. They avoided the cycle of guilt, resentment, anger and bitterness.

Good advice: Face reality now. Talk, communicate, discuss….

© Allen Unrau

Will keeping in touch with old friends guarantee to keep you younger?

Do you want to live a rich long life?

Then make some friends and plan to spend some quality time with them on a regular basis. A recent study of older adults in the British Medical Journal shows that seniors who spend quality time among friends live longer, happier lives than their non-social peers. Social activities such as volunteering, dining with friends or just socializing with others reduces stress, enhances well being and creates a sense of personal worth and belonging.

You don’t have time for friends?

It’s easy to get wrapped up in your daily routine and say that you don’t have time for friends, but people connections are so important to your health that making time for friends should be a priority. An active social network helps you fight feelings of loneliness and isolation. Having good friends has even been shown to help prevent depression.

When friends call to invite you out with them, don’t automatically say no. Sometimes you get into the habit of declining invitations and do so without even thinking. Even if you don’t feel like doing something when they call, accept the invitation anyway. Once you join them, you’ll be glad you did. Plan to have “regular” outings with your friends – at least once a week for socializing. It’s a wonderful prescription for your physical and mental health.

Get out and socialize and build your “friendship bank” for the future. The more people you interact with daily, the more chance there is to form new bonds. As you age, you will lose friends for various reasons, so plan ahead now. Make your social network a priority and you will be rewarded with a lifetime supply of “good as gold” friendships.

If you haven’t seen certain friends for a while, call someone right now and make a date to get together. Maintain the network of friends you do have and set a goal to make new friends whenever you can. If possible, broaden your social network to include a variety of people of all ages. Being involved in the lives of younger folks with go a long way to keeping you healthy as well.

Do people who give actually live longer?

According to a study about to be published in Psycholigical Science, older people who are regularly helpful to others reduce their risk of dying by over 50 percent compared to peers who provide no practical or emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends.  Give and live – this sounds like a good plan!

Stay in touch with relatives and strengthen those family ties!

As you grow older, families and extended families tend to scatter across the country and even around the globe. Do your best not to lose touch. Families are forever. They are there for you through good and bad, providing emotional and practical help when you need it. Always be available to them when they need your support as well. If your family has developed some “broken fences,” fix them quickly. Life is too short.

Get involved with clubs, volunteer organizations or active social groups. This is a comfortable way to meet lots of new people who share your goals and interests. You will always “click” with someone when you join a group.

Some things that lead to longevity can’t be measured in a test tube. They are free and they are up to you.…

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Half a century ago most families stayed in the same area.

There is an old Dutch proverb that says: “A happy new home is one where you can’t see the smoke from your parent’s chimney.”  That may be true, but everyone you knew lived within an hour of each other.

Things changed dramatically in the last half of the century and Canadian families are now spread out geographically.

Children went to the city for further education and never returned to the area where they grew up.  Maybe they met their future husband or wife and ended up moving across the country when they married.  Good jobs required moves and relocation if you wanted to move up the ladder.  Transfers moved families all over this country.  You’ve done your best to keep in touch, but it’s just not been the same as living near your family.  Some of your grandchildren are already as tall as you and you don’t feel you really know them as well as you would like to.

Retirement gives you a lot of choices

Should you stay where you are or have you always wanted to move closer to your children and grandchildren? Do you know for sure that they want you closer to them?  Will you be able to make new friends when you move or will you be relying totally on your family for the relationships you need in your life?

Will you end up becoming a baby sitter, cook, cleaner and gardener for your adult children?  Maybe you can’t wait to be able to help them out, but you need to consider these things in advance.

What about your son-in-law or daughter-in-law?  How do they feel about having you closer?  Have you been open with each other and talked through all the issues in advance?  Do they have blended families and how will you grandparent role fit with stepchildren?

Maybe you are moving because of guilt. You feel that you haven’t spent enough time with them or they want you near because they feel guilty about not having made enough effort to get together with you in the past.  Adult children and their parents sometimes play games with each other.  Adult children may send messages they feel their parents want to hear or messages that will not upset their parent, rather than what is true.  So, be careful and above all be honest with each other before you pull up stakes.

What if you follow the kids and they don’t have time for you?

Remember, their life is probably a balancing act right now.  They are responsible for many things and many people and their schedule may be very full!  You probably have expectations about the help you would like from them at this stage of your life.  Can they meet your expectations and will it be a joy or a burden for them?

“Knowing what it would be like” is often difficult to achieve without “actually doing it.”  If you move, you would be wise to arrange for help from other sources for some of your needs so as not to rely totally on your family and overwhelm them. Make it a comfortable transition for everyone involved.

Do you get the feeling they want you closer?

If so, you are the most fortunate person in the world!  Seize the opportunity…family is everything!

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Moving sale: Saturday 10-2. Antique furniture and carpets. English bone china. Female apricot poodle – tiny, affectionate and loving. Panasonic microwave, as new.

Polly is moving to a care home. Apartment 405 has been wonderful. Fifteen years of comfort and security with a fabulous view of Morningside Park, but now it’s time. It’s impossible to stay alone any longer. Doctor’s orders. He’s worried about her falling.

She’ll miss the blue jays, the purple tulip beds in spring and the maple trees’ fall colour explosion below her kitchen window. She’ll miss the kindness of Mrs. Watkins on the third floor and Mr. Parker’s cheery sense of humour in the mail room.

Reality strikes at 8:00am. Early birds start ringing, pretending they’ve forgotten the advertised sale time.

A stocky middle-aged man reeking of cigar smoke asks if she wants a price on everything except the dog. He’s obviously a re-seller looking for the bargain of a lifetime and she dislikes him immediately. “No thanks,” Polly replies. “I’d like to give everyone a chance. This is not junk, you know.”

He throws out a low figure anyway and drops a soiled business card on her table. “Call me at the end of the day. I’ve got cash. You probably won’t sell much. You’re asking way too much, lady.”

Buyers come and go throughout the morning and she sells more than expected. Her china goes where it belongs. Barbara, the buyer, can’t believe her good fortune. It’s identical to her grandmother’s set, Aynsley of England, lost in a tragic fire twenty years ago.

Filled with emotions

It’s 1:30pm. All the major items have been removed or spoken for. She is relieved but saddened. Polly peels off the sold sticker and flops into the only upholstered chair left in her apartment. Penny jumps onto her lap as usual, licks her hand and curls up in a ball.

“Penny, my dear, maybe nobody wants you. I’d keep you forever if I could.” She strokes those silky soft ears. “You’ve been my security system, my walking partner and my confidant. You know all my secrets. Why, oh why, must I do this?”

A good home for Penny

She’s at the point of dozing off when the intercom rings. It’s 1:55pm. “We’re here about the poodle. Are we too late?”

A family of three. Mom holds the door as Dad wheels in Gabriella. She’s a slight, dark-haired girl of twelve with spirited green eyes and a delightful smile. Muscular dystrophy and the wheelchair haven’t dampened her enthusiasm for life. Dad promised her a pet for her thirteenth birthday – will this be the one?

How do dogs know? What innate sense do they possess that tells them when to shift their loyalty from one person to another? Penny jumps onto Gabriella’s lap, licks her hand and curls up in a ball.

Dad writes the cheque, Polly and the family exchange phone numbers. Penny is gone. Polly cries tears of both joy and regret. The next morning she mails a donation to the Muscular Dystrophy Association – the same amount she received for Penny.

Gone home

The care home soon becomes home. The meals are wonderful and she has a lovely view of the fountain in the courtyard. Polly waits for the mail each morning. Cards and letters from friends and family are so precious at this time.

Yesterday an unusual envelope arrived. Messy handwriting. Wrinkled paper. Inside is an agreement.

Heading: Visitation Rights to Penny. The undersigned hereby agrees to weekly visits by Mrs. Polly – Saturdays are best. Your place or mine. Signed: Gabriella Olivia McTavish, 13

The lady introduces herself and explains why she’s there. Her name is Norma and she attends a seniors club that Robert has gone to occasionally since his wife died. She explains that they have never met but a friend mentioned that Robert had some china for sale that she might be interested in.

China for sale?

He recalls telling someone there were a few more items to sell. This is starting to make sense, so he shows her into the dining room and opens the china cabinet. She picks up a dinner plate and comments on the pattern and the remarkable condition of the dinner set. They chat for a minute about the fact that you don’t get good china like this anymore and then she sits down on the sofa.

The conversation changes to other things. Soon they are talking about their families, their hobbies and mutual acquaintances. Norma explains that she has been a widow for five years now and lives about fifteen minutes away in her own apartment. She tries to keep active and walks a mile every day for her health.

Robert is feeling very comfortable with Norma at this point…then something clicks. He had been a police officer for many years and his instinct is telling him that she probably isn’t here just to buy some china. As he thinks about it he realizes that she has never asked the price or how many setting were for sale. Why was she really here?

Ah ha!

The fact is that Robert was being set up. Not in a bad way or with any intent to harm him, but he was till being set up.

Several ladies at the club had recognized him as a “definite eligible” and thought that he and Norma would be a perfect “match.” They racked their brains as to how to get them together without it being obvious and the “china for sale” plan seemed perfect. If Norma had spent a bit more time actually being interested in the dinnerware and proposing a sale price Robert may never have caught on to the plot.

You were eligible in your twenties and you may be eligible again. The “pool of eligibles” is expanding now that the seniors population is one of the fastest growing segments of society. Aging isn’t what it used to be: 70 it seems, is the new 55. People think of themselves as younger and with good reason. The majority of folks 65+ are healthy, robust and full of life. So why not fall in love again at your age?

You’ve all heard the disaster stories about matchmakers who set up a couple only to have the relationship end quickly with broken hearts and deep feelings of resentment.

Fortunately, this didn’t happen for Robert and Norma!

Surrounded by their loving families and supportive friends, Robert and Norma became Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham. “I never thought I’d fall in love again,” said Robert. “Life is really work living! But I wouldn’t send her out to buy dinnerware. She’s not a very good negotiator…ha, ha.”

“I thank God she had the courage to ring my doorbell and as much as I thought I’d never say it…I’m thankful for those matchmakers!”

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

On TV, “Seniors heaven on earth” is depicted as satisfied grey haired folks trout fishing, pruning rose bushes, bouncing grandchildren on their knee and then flying off to unpronounceable destinations with unending supplies of cash being siphoned from hefty retirement accounts.

What happens when all the novelty wears off?

What happens when all the novelty begins to wear off and you can’t bring yourself to face another fish, rose bush or bowling ball?

What then?  Do you take up new “productive” routines like waxing the car, repairing the front porch or sewing for every child in your circle of acquaintances?  Try a jigsaw puzzle all day and see how long it takes for the “joy of leisure” to become the “reality of boredom.”

Hurry up and retire.  These are the feelings that many men face. Their mortality clock starts ticking earlier than a woman’s.  They work like crazy to put a plan in place that may leave them “dangling” the day they walk away from their job.  They haven’t “practiced” for retirement.

For married couples, retirement can present a new challenge

All of a sudden you are spending all of your time together and this feels weird!  For decades you’ve had separate agendas and routines and now you must assimilate one another into your daily activities.

“He’s always under my feet” or “She needs to know exactly where I’m going and to the minute when I’ll be back.”

Sound familiar? You used to have personal space during the day and now it seems like you’re getting in each other’s hair. Determine to spend time apart. Involve yourself in activities that take you away from the house a few hours a week.  Let your retirement partner breathe.

What do men want?

Many men don’t know…they aren’t really prepared.  Surveyors have asked men what their ideal retirement might be and received some of the following responses:

• “Let me travel…I can’t wait to get out on the road.”
• “I’d like to start an interesting small business.” (This is retirement?)
• “Now it’s time to spend some quality time with my wife…I’ve spent so many hours at work.” (He gets a prize.)
• “I want to be involved in a sport or hobby that has a club attached to it.” “Sounds like ‘hangin out with the boys.’)

What do women want?

Are they more predictable?  Surveyors heard the following:

• “I’d like a recreation home where my family can come visit.”
• “Don’t expect me to move too far from my friends.”
• “Let’s do some travelling…not flogging the old station wagon for 500 miles a day.”
• “I want to be able to relax more and be able to change my plans more easily” (a woman’s right).

Guess what – There is no typical retirement

Some Seniors are busier now than they were when they were “working” and they say they’ve found the transition to retirement to be very positive.  They spend most of their free time volunteering or taking care of their families. Those who become active volunteers actually reported feeling an increased sense of importance and responsibility after retiring.

All claimed a sense of pride in what they did.

So whether you are a man or a woman, single or married, your retirement can be a dream come true but be prepared to be flexible BECAUSE…

“Life is what happens after you’ve made all your plans.”

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission