My wife studies people, and several years ago she decided to run a little experiment with our three sons.

“You can have one marshmallow right now, or, if you can wait for fifteen minutes, you can have two marshmallows later,” she told Taylor, Clark and Eric who were seven, six, and four at the time.  Taylor left his marshmallow on the table and began playing with some toys nearby.  Clark took the marshmallow and hid it in his room—out of sight, out of mind.  Eric began to play with his.

Forty years earlier a psychologist at Stanford University ran a similar experiment with four-year-old kids.  After telling the kids the “deal” he walked out of the room.  The children who successfully held off did so by distracting themselves with playing, singing, and covering their eyes.  The boys and girls who caved in to the one-marshmallow temptation usually did so right after the experimenter left the room.

What my wife and the researcher really wanted to know was whether or not young kids could grasp the idea of deferred gratification—not engaging in something pleasurable now so one can enjoy more benefits later.

The character trait that makes deferred gratification possible is self-control.  Self-control means not doing what you always want to do, but doing what is best for you and others.  Put another way, self-control is the ability to

• Think before we speak (rather than blurt whatever’s on our mind)
• Manage our emotions (rather than them ruling us)
• Suppress negative impulses (rather than acting negatively)

Think first, speak second

My wife was pleased to see that all three of our boys were able to control themselves and cash in fifteen minutes later for the two marshmallows.  But that doesn’t mean they always choose to hold off today.  Our supper hour can resemble a verbal wrestling match at times as each boy—and parent—has something to say about the day.

Unfortunately the males in our family (and we out number my wife 4-to-1) too often conform to the research fact that men, more than women, butt in and cut others off in conversation so we can have the floor.  We’ve lost the fine art of having a conversation that is focused on the other person which requires us to be quiet, listen, and engage them on their topic, not our own. Self-controlled people can do this; those who lack control jump in to parade their own ideas.

Taylor is learning this fast.  One day he returned from school with the words “Stop, Think, Speak” written on his hand.  He explained, “It’s a reminder for me.  I find myself saying stupid stuff—the first thing that pops into my head.  I gotta quit that.”

Mind over emotions

A few years ago I asked seventy couples to rate themselves, and their spouse, on self-control using this simple scale.  If you took this little test, where would your answers fall? From 1 to 7, with 1 being the lowest and 7 being the greatest, grade the following statements.

I see myself as one who:

• Shows self-control
• Predictable
• Acts with deliberate intentions and sees good results

When we “fly off the handle,” there’s a good chance our tank isn’t full.  We may normally be predictable, deliberate, and self-controlled, but as soon as our energy levels plummet, so does our ability to respond redemptively to others.

Suppress negative impulses – 3 strategies

If the first thing you want to do in a conflict situation is to scream, swear, or strike, these tips are for you.  Impulsive people tend to respond to others emotionally with little regard for the negative impact of their immediate behavior or the long-term damage to their relationships.  While these tips will require you to exercise huge willpower, they may help you break out of old patterns.

1. 2-second pause – Wait.  Think. Give yourself two seconds to reflect on the facts and then respond.
2. 10-minute time out – Moms have long mastered the “time out” for kids. Some therapists have found that the same technique works with fighting adults.
3. Half-day retreat – Settle down, gather your thoughts, think about how the other person is thinking, and come back ready to talk.

Find strength beyond yourself

Finding strength to be self-controlled sounds like a lot of work.  But we don’t have to do so alone.  In my research I found that we tend to marry people who share an equal degree of self-control, and that spouses rub off on each other.  When you’re down, hopefully your spouse is “up.”

I also find strength in God’s grace.  Grace is that measure of good that I don’t have in myself but which God seems to grant me. I don’t appear alone.  A pile of studies suggest that people who practice their faith intentionally enjoy a host of personal, social and physical benefits.   For example, faith-filled people tend to experience more social relationships, think the best of others, and report more happiness, life satisfaction, and morale than people who avoid God.

St. Paul listed self-control as one of several “fruit” that grows from the life of a godly person. He writes, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

I think we suffer from the narrow idea that self-control is mostly about not doing this or that, such as not bingeing on chocolate (or marshmallows) or not speeding on the highway.  What we overlook is the subtle fact that we engage self-control every time we speak and act, and these behaviors, however small, weave together our quality of life. Choosing to not snap back, or not joke harshly, and choosing rather to listen intently or show care enhance our family relationships little by little, act by act.  A little self-control goes a long way, especially at home.

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

What are you craving? Intimacy? Destiny? Meaning? Explore your cravings.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Above my 19-year old son’s bed, on the wall, hangs an orange “slow-moving vehicle” sign. It’s the kind you see on the back of tractors and hay wagons. If you knew Clark, you might smile, because his demeanor is laid back, go-with-the-flow, and thoughtful.

We decorate our homes with artifacts that signal our interests, and even our personalities, that’s nothing new. What struck me, however, was the message the sign had for me. I have been recently going through some minor health concerns—nothing that has kept me from work or family—but ailment that has slowed me down. “Maybe I should put that slow-moving sign on my back,” I thought.

While I’m not one to interpret God’s messages through every little image or icon that crosses my path (in fact, this isn’t healthy), I thought it interesting that the orange triangle gave cause to pause on my own season of life. The author of Ecclesiastes mentions seasons of life we all encounter: times of birth and death, pain and healing, planting and uprooting, mourning and dancing, searching and quitting to search, among others.

Ever wonder what God’s season is for you just now? I think we sometimes ignore his signs along the way, signs that tell us it’s time to slow down and rest in Him, signs to yield areas of our lives we desperately cling to rather than giving them up, signs to merge our efforts with others in community to accomplish something together, and signs to not park our gifts but to put them to His service.

And for some of us, we stand at a crossroads, with one arrow pointing to “a meaningful journey with God” and another pointing to “my way.” For while God has seasons for us to enjoy or endure, he also expects us to make choices along the road.

Questions: When you lie down on your bed at night, and look at the wall above your head, what sign do you see?

Asking people “Are you humble?” can turn weird. If they say “yes”, they seem proud. If they say “no” they’re honest, but probably humble too.

This conundrum can give us the willies in marriage. It seems everyone can spot a braggart, but how can we tell when our spouse is humble? Does humility contribute to marital bliss, or does it just grind on us like the voice of droopy-eared Eeyore?

Ben and Hannah have been married 41 years, and their relationship brims with the warm serenity of two people stably in love. Hannah works at a university connecting students’ parents to campus life, and Ben manages the condominium complex where they live on the west coast.

When asked “What is humility?” Ben answered, “It means that you are willing to put others ahead of yourself. Not building your self up — especially at the expense of others.” Hannah echoed Ben. “I think humility is putting other people first,” she said. “It’s being willing to do things for people without expecting anything in return.”

“This doesn’t mean humility shows itself in hopeless servitude. That’s martyrdom,” Hannah clarified. “I don’t mean that people can push me around. If I see that someone needs help, I help freely. But I’m not a doormat.”

Ben and Hannah shared openly about how they show — and see — humility in their marriage. Their insights reflect the findings of various experts as well. What can we learn from them?

Acknowledging your weaknesses and strengths

Some have the wrong idea that humility is feeling badly about yourself, or pooh-poohing your own accomplishments. But low esteem isn’t humility. Low esteem is feeling like you’re not worth much. If you have ever complimented your spouse for a great meal or a fun date only to hear, “Ah, it’s nothing really. Anyone could do that,” you may have heard false humility or outright self-denigration.

True humility, in contrast, is having an accurate perception of your weaknesses and your strengths, and keeping both in perspective. Humility tempers our urge to puff ourselves up over our gifts or tear ourselves down for our shortcomings. Ben sings bass in a quartet and blesses congregations and crowds. Hannah leads the women’s ministry executive at their church. While Hannah may not be very musical, and Ben not much of a group leader, they don’t dwell on these weaknesses, but eagerly apply their gifts to encourage others. That’s the spirit of humility.

Putting each other first

Six years ago Hannah suffered from cancer and required surgery. At the same time she and Ben were struggling financially because he was underemployed.

“I’ll never forget coming home that day from surgery,” Hannah said, “when finances were pretty tough and so I was going to be off work. Ben had all this pressure of not knowing what was going to happen to me, the financial pressure, the job situation, and I’ll never forget returning home from the hospital. He knew I was coming, so he painted our bedroom this beautiful dark green — like a place of solitude. He didn’t let anybody phone me or bother me. He just took care of me. He put everything else aside. He knew it would make me feel good.”

Ben could have withdrawn from the stress of Hannah’s illness and his poor work situation, but he chose instead to put her needs first.

Ben and Hannah wove similar acts of kindness throughout their marriage during good times as well. They enjoyed initiating “little things” such as running the other’s bath water, taking out the garbage, opening a car door, or making a meal. Humility might lead to showy displays like painted bedrooms, but more often it’s woven into expressions that subtly say, “You count.”

Accepting advice from each other

When was the last time you asked for directions when you got lost? Husbands have an especially hard time asking for help because they think it indicates personal weakness — namely ignorance. They don’t want to look stupid. Unfortunately, to not ask advice from others signals another personal weakness — namely pride.

Pride, long considered one of the seven deadly sins, is the antithesis of humility. Strangely, proud people believe they’re sinless, not sinful. They also feel more gifted than others, and deserving of unearned honor. Some accomplish great things in their work life or church life, and attribute their success to their own doing, not to God or help from others. Not surprisingly, proud individuals rarely accept advice from others. Why should they, if they own their world and the world owes them?

While Ben was not chronically proud, he still fought Hannah’s advice regarding his employment. Ben wanted badly to earn a living in cabinet making, and poured energy into the business. But the business struggled. And Hannah was forced back to work. And they fought over it. But Ben was obstinate. Eventually Hannah just had to let it go.

Hannah’s friends told her she had to turn Ben and the situation over to God. God had, and would, meet their needs, they noted. “So I just freed Ben up to do it,” Hannah recalled. “I just said, ‘Okay go for it and let’s see what comes of it,’ and that was hard for me, but probably best. I should have done it six years ago. I quit fighting it and let him do what he felt was right for us.”

Hannah could have kept fighting, and haranguing Ben with advice, but Ben probably would have dug in his heels only deeper. It seems that Hannah’s humble blessing of her husband’s dream made the difference.

Admitting when you’re wrong

Humble people also know when they’ve hurt their spouse, and admit it. They take responsibility for their actions, especially in conflict situations.

Vincent Jeffries, who studies humility, says, “Without humility it is very difficult for individuals to admit failure and the need to change, which can make conflict management difficult.”

Hannah lacked this kind of role model in her father. Her dad was a BMAC — a big man at church. He swaggered a lot, talked big, and sought to control others. “My dad was a dreamer,” Hannah said, “he was always going to be the mayor or the big shot and he always said he was going to run the church. My dad was a fighter. When he got on a committee, he fought. He was always stepping on people, Christian people.”

Hannah’s father represents the braggart we spot easily. We’re not surprised when such people deny their wrongdoing or minimize the hurt they’ve caused. Such people are put easily on the defensive. “You shouldn’t feel that way. I didn’t mean to hurt you!” they might scold.

Humble spouses own their wrong, and the hurt it has caused, even if it’s unintentional. A husband may mindlessly forget an important anniversary, but that doesn’t excuse the hurt, and a wise man owns up to it. A wife might accidentally leak something to a girlfriend that her husband wished kept confidential. A humble wife confesses the slip.

Some people think if they weren’t intentionally mean or forgetful, they shouldn’t have to admit fault. Such thinking would allow us to go through life with reckless abandon leaving many in our wake. If you accidentally stepped on the toe of the First Lady, would you shrug it off and say “I didn’t mean to, so get over it!”

Offering and accepting forgiveness

When there’s hurt in a marriage two things should happen. The offender needs to admit it and apologize, and the person offended needs to offer forgiveness. When we don’t offer forgiveness, the hurt turns to anger, resentment, and possibly rage.

Recently Ben and Hannah were supposed to attend the funeral of a man from their church. Ben was in charge of the social calendar and told Hannah they would drive to the church after her doctor’s appointment. At noon Hannah got a call from Ben. He’d messed up. The funeral was at 11:00. They missed it.

“He felt really bad,” Hannah said, “because it was someone we knew quite well. I probably could have said, ‘Oh how could you be so stupid?’ That would have been the arrogant way. But I empathized with him and then when I got home, we just kind of hugged each other and said there is nothing we could do.”

Hannah’s response reflects the wisdom of Christian marriage counselor Everret Worthington. He suggests that the process of forgiveness begins with empathy, and ends with public show of commitment. First we empathize with those who hurt us (acknowledging that we too could have done the same thing, and have!). Then we forgive them in our heart for the wrongdoing. But ultimately our changed heart needs to be shown through some act of commitment — such as forgiving the person with words, or performing a small act of love toward them, or, in Ben and Heather’s case, holding hands when they pray. “Holding hands kills conflict,” Ben said, “and assuming you pray at least twice a day means you can’t be mad any longer than twelve hours!”

Not gloating or criticizing when you’re right

Few of us like a know-it-all, and fewer like a know-it-all who’s right. Fox Broadcasting’s character Gregory House, MD makes great medical drama, but none of us wish for similar arrogance in our spouse. Rather than gloat like House, a sign of humility is to use a “one-down” statement. Compare “Hey, there’s the restaurant. I’m glad we made it” with “Well, would you look at that! I told you it was on Hunter Drive!”

Ben reflected on times when he’s right, but chooses not to gloat. “Sometimes,” Ben said, “when we’re going somewhere in the car I’ll say it’s this way, and she’ll say it’s that way. If I turn out to be right, then I have to play that down, I should play it down, otherwise I’m demeaning her. If I am wrong, I would hope that she would not lord it over me.”

Ben makes a good point. How do we wish to be treated when we’ve made a mistake? We don’t like being belittled. We want respect even when we’re wrong.

A study with 70 married couples indicated that the more spouses thought their partner was humble, the more satisfied they were with their marriage. No surprise!

Ben and Hannah seemed satisfied in their marriage. They affirmed that showing humility is more action than talk. We show it in little things. Are you showing humble signs? Which can you check as true?

• I am able to see my personal abilities and inabilities in balanced perspective
• I often put my spouse first through small acts of service
• I welcome advice from my spouse on many topics and problems
• I admit when I am wrong
• I accept apologies from my spouse and offer forgiveness freely
• I respond graciously when I’m right and my spouse is wrong

That said, let’s admit that a committed spouse is not necessarily a faithful spouse. Men in particular succumb to the idea that they can have their Kate and Edith too. Kate is the stable spouse with whom they raise kids, attend church, and gray with time. Edith represents the workplace “friendship” or sexual fling. In their mind they are committed to both, but in practice faithful to neither.

So what of commitment? If it is not a guarantee for faithfulness, what’s it worth? Commitment has much worth. Commitment is like training for a race. Training doesn’t guarantee winning, but it brings a host of benefits.

Research tells us that the more deeply people are committed to their spouse and marriage, the more likely they are to:

• sacrifice for the sake of their marriage
• report that they are satisfied with their relationship
• feel less trapped in their marriage
• enjoy longer-lasting marriages

They also tend not to scan the horizon for alternative partners.

Commitment transforms our talk

Commitment also translates powerfully into our marriages through our talk. Dave and Michelle live on the west coast where Dave serves as discipleship coordinator at a Christian college and Michelle recently left a pastor role to take care of Jonas, their first-born. How did they show their commitment to each other today? Dave waxed practical.

“I woke up at 5 a.m. and spent time with Jonas who was crying so Michelle could get an hour of peaceful sleep. I gave her a call from the office half way through the day. She e-mailed me and told me she appreciated my help around the house.”

Dave and Michelle’s manner reflects a tall stack of married couple research. Committed couples tend be more emotionally supportive than uncommitted ones. They know when their spouse is hurt, or crabby, or elated, and they validate those feelings as genuine and legitimate. Unsupportive spouses challenge their mate’s feelings with statements such as “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

People who are committed also share their thoughts deeply. They go beyond the weather and sports, to describe what we’re thinking, feeling, dreaming, and scheming. Couples who believe that their spouses should be able to mind read (i.e., know what they are thinking without having to tell them) struggle relationally.

Committed couples enjoy “expressive interaction.” Their behavior shows affection, empathy, and the kind of warmth toward each other that translates into feelings of companionship, sexual responsiveness, and support. In other words, committed partners engage. They put down the paper, turn off the TV, offer “two-eye attention” and connect with their spouse.

Committed spouses also pay more attention to “little things” to show their love and concern. Michelle and Dave agreed that that simply saying “I love you” or phoning during the day, or going on dates affirmed their commitment. They also write notes, rub each other’s feet, pray together, and try to listen well. Conveying commitment isn’t showy, but subtle and common. But we still have to do it.

Showing commitment through faithfulness

The evidence above is encouraging. Committed couples interact with each other in distinctly positive ways. But how do we communicate faithfulness? Perhaps we should start with asking what is faithfulness?

For many the answer is “sexual fidelity” — we are faithful if we have not touched, kissed, or made love with someone who isn’t our spouse. However, before physical infidelity becomes an issue there are two precursors: mental and emotional unfaithfulness. In all three cases, infidelity violates a trust and breaks a bond.

Mental infidelity is the practice of fantasizing about other partners. Whenever men think “I wonder what life would be like with her,” we’ve crossed the line. Whenever women think “I love the way he listens to me,” they invest their thoughts untruly. Anytime our thoughts or beliefs begin to entertain ideas of relating to, spending time with, enjoying sex with, or daydreaming about someone else besides our mate, we’ve committed mental infidelity.

If we think a little fantasizing is harmless, recall that Jesus said doing so is adulterous.

Emotional infidelity takes things up a notch. Emotional infidelity is the habit of investing emotional and relational energy into someone besides our spouse in order to meet our personal needs. Well-known infidelity researcher Shirley Glass says emotional infidelity is sharing of the inner self with another person that should be reserved for our spouse.

Emotional infidelity often begins in the workplace where we meet interesting people with similar values and interests. People who are emotionally unfaithful hide their indiscretions with vague references such as “I had a little lunch with John today,” or “Meg and I have been working hard on the Thompson project.” Curiously missing are the details from those encounters.

When relational infidelity goes unchecked, sexual infidelity may follow. Sexual infidelity registers as soon as there’s physical touch accompanied by sexual chemistry — even if you don’t admit there are sparks. Casual brushes (politely pardoned) can lead to full embraces and eventual intercourse unless someone chooses to stop.

While studies vary, experts estimate that between 44% of husbands and 25% of wives have had extramarital intercourse — and this in a culture where 80% of Americans disapprove of having an affair. Sadly, the four main reasons people cite to justify affairs include:

1. new-found sexual excitement
2. new-found love or romance
3. emotional intimacy from companionship and understanding
4. reasons such as career advancement or revenge.

Men tend to justify infidelity for reason #1 new sex, and women tend to justify it for reason #2 new love.

Ironically, these findings parallel the long list of benefits which committed couples enjoy, such as sexual responsiveness, emotional sharing, and companionship. Somewhere our commitment has to convert into will power if we want to be faithful. How do we exercise faithfulness? Here are some tips.

Mental purity: My thoughts are with you always

Since men tend to be visually stimulated much more than women, we need to guard our eyes. Today’s media elite do not make it easy for us. They know sex sells, so they try to hook us with sex at every turn.

Are you surfing websites you know are off limits? Are you watching late-night TV or renting movies you would not watch with your son? If you answer “yes” you’ve got some tough choices.

When you walk down a sidewalk, where do your eyes go? When you walk with your wife in the mall, what grabs your attention? If we commit our gaze to God and our wife, we may fall prey less to other women’s hair, legs, and cleavage. Can we say to our wife, I only have eyes for you?

Women tend to be relationally charged, and unlike men, need to guard how they think about other relationships. While good men may be hard to find, a really great guy can get you thinking unfaithfully.

What thoughts cross your mind when your male doctor listens empathetically to your woes? What fantasies do you indulge regarding that guy at work? Do you engage in dreamy relationships with your favorite soap star or cinema lead?

When we begin to entertain unfaithful thoughts or beliefs, it’s good to do a check and say aloud to ourselves, “I’m in control of my thoughts,” or “How might I make [spouse’s name] better today?” Focusing afresh on our spouse redeems our thinking.

Relational guards: Sorry, but this person is taken

Neal and Yolanda live in Vancouver where Neal teaches high school and Yolanda volunteers at their kids’ schools. Both are energetic, engaging middle-aged people who appear attractive to others.

When asked how they show emotional faithfulness, their collective wisdom was “show dibs.” Yolanda serves on school committees with male administrators, and early in the year lets them know she’s taken. “At a school event I make sure to introduce Neal so they all know I have a husband. We just keep this all above board.” Similarly, Neal said he invites Yolanda to staff parties so everyone can see he’s committed to her. In fact, Neal chooses not to attend staff parties unless Yolanda can go too.

Neal and Yolanda also share openly with each other about potential “threats.” “Openness with Yolanda keeps me accountable to her. One of my teaching partners, ‘Jennie’ is a beautiful mid-thirties woman. I will tell Yolanda when I’m having a meeting with Jennie after school. I don’t want hidden agendas with my wife.”

Neal also practices wise environmental ethics. When he meets with female co-workers, he pays attention to the details. “I do little things like making sure the meeting is not in an enclosed room. Stuff like that keeps me above reproach, keeps me accountable.”

Setting relational safeguards work like waist-high fences. Both draw a line to show what, and who, belongs where, yet neither are cool or distant. We tap these fences into place every time we make little choices in word and deed that help us avoid compromising relationships, or even the optics of one.

Sexual de-tempting: That would be inappropriate

In the old days men worked outside the home and took sexual infidelity as a privilege of position and power with out-of-town strangers. Today men and women work as equals and the new morality allows for sex among consenting adults. But even non-religious people still value old-school fidelity, and think that once you have committed to a spouse, you should be true to him or her sexually. This double standard of romping promiscuously in one’s single years but hoping for loyalty in married life creates a tension in the workplace. It’s the tension between appropriate workplace interaction and relational come-on.

Many people think its okay for a married person to receive emotional support from an opposite-sex work colleague over lunch. But doing so blurs the lines of appropriateness. Sharing our marriage struggles with an empathetic colleague seems innocent enough, but is exactly the kind of emotional infidelity that leads to more complex involvement. While we may think everything’s above board, emotional and sexual attraction can spark quickly, igniting more than collegiality.

So, what to do? Given the gray line between emotional and sexual attraction, it’s wise to be on guard at your workplace. Are you in appropriate professional relationship with your colleagues? Are you fooling yourself that you are “just friends”? Similarly, guard your broader social network. Old flames and your spouses’ friends often become potential threats to fidelity. Can you stake a fence? Finally, guard your personal computer. Some people think making a friend on the internet is an innocent activity, but long-term relating — even through email and the occasional photo — can misdirect your allegiances.

Yolanda put it well when she said, “Faithfulness isn’t all sexual. It’s multi-layered. I believe our emotions and mind can engage unfaithfully without a person actually being physically unfaithful, and that creates a wedge.”

Next steps:
Talk with an online mentor – If you need someone to talk with, confidentially contact a mentor by email today
A Conversation about Love & God – If I asked you to describe yourself, what would you say? Would you tell me your job title or refer to your relationships – husband, wife, son, daughter, friend?

That said, let’s admit that a committed spouse is not necessarily a faithful spouse. Men in particular succumb to the idea that they can have their Kate and Edith too.  Kate is the stable spouse with whom they raise kids, attend church, and gray with time.  Edith represents the workplace “friendship” or sexual fling.   In their mind they are committed to both, but in practice faithful to neither.

So what of commitment?  If it is not a guarantee for faithfulness, what’s it worth? Commitment has much worth.  Commitment is like training for a race.  Training doesn’t guarantee winning, but it brings a host of benefits.

Research tells us that the more deeply people are committed to their spouse and marriage, the more likely they are to:

• sacrifice for the sake of their marriage
• report that they are satisfied with their relationship
• feel less trapped in their marriage
• enjoy longer-lasting marriages

They also tend not to scan the horizon for alternative partners.

Commitment transforms our talk

Commitment also translates powerfully into our marriages through our talk.   Dave and Michelle live on the west coast where Dave serves as discipleship coordinator at a Christian college and Michelle recently left a pastor role to take care of Jonas, their first-born.  How did they show their commitment to each other today?  Dave waxed practical.

“I woke up at 5 a.m. and spent time with Jonas who was crying so Michelle could get an hour of peaceful sleep.  I gave her a call from the office half way through the day.  She e-mailed me and told me she appreciated my help around the house.”

• Dave and Michelle’s manner reflects a tall stack of married couple research.  Committed couples tend be more emotionally supportive than uncommitted ones. They know when their spouse is hurt, or crabby, or elated, and they validate those feelings as genuine and legitimate.  Unsupportive spouses challenge their mate’s feelings with statements such as “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

• People who are committed also share their thoughts deeply. They go beyond the weather and sports, to describe what we’re thinking, feeling, dreaming, and scheming.  Couples who believe that their spouses should be able to mind read (i.e., know what they are thinking without having to tell them) struggle relationally.

• Committed couples enjoy “expressive interaction.” Their behavior shows affection, empathy, and the kind of warmth toward each other that translates into feelings of companionship, sexual responsiveness, and support.   In other words, committed partners engage.  They put down the paper, turn off the TV, offer “two-eye attention” and connect with their spouse.

• Committed spouses also pay more attention to “little things” to show their love and concern.   Michelle and Dave agreed that that simply saying “I love you” or phoning during the day, or going on dates affirmed their commitment.  They also write notes, rub each other’s feet, pray together, and try to listen well.  Conveying commitment isn’t showy, but subtle and common.  But we still have to do it.

Showing commitment through faithfulness

The evidence above is encouraging.  Committed couples interact with each other in distinctly positive ways.  But how do we communicate faithfulness?  Perhaps we should start with asking what is faithfulness?

For many the answer is “sexual fidelity” — we are faithful if we have not touched, kissed, or made love with someone who isn’t our spouse.  However, before physical infidelity becomes an issue there are two precursors:  mental and emotional unfaithfulness.  In all three cases, infidelity violates a trust and breaks a bond.

Mental infidelity is the practice of fantasizing about other partners. Whenever men think “I wonder what life would be like with her,” we’ve crossed the line.  Whenever women think “I love the way he listens to me,” they invest their thoughts untruly.  Anytime our thoughts or beliefs begin to entertain ideas of relating to, spending time with, enjoying sex with, or daydreaming about someone else besides our mate, we’ve committed mental infidelity.

If we think a little fantasizing is harmless, recall that Jesus said doing so is adulterous.

• Emotional infidelity takes things up a notch. Emotional infidelity is the habit of investing emotional and relational energy into someone besides our spouse in order to meet our personal needs.  Well-known infidelity researcher Shirley Glass says emotional infidelity is sharing of the inner self with another person that should be reserved for our spouse.

• Emotional infidelity often begins in the workplace where we meet interesting people with similar values and interests.  People who are emotionally unfaithful hide their indiscretions with vague references such as “I had a little lunch with John today,” or “Meg and I have been working hard on the Thompson project.”  Curiously missing are the details from those encounters.

• When relational infidelity goes unchecked, sexual infidelity may follow. Sexual infidelity registers as soon as there’s physical touch accompanied by sexual chemistry — even if you don’t admit there are sparks.   Casual brushes (politely pardoned) can lead to full embraces and eventual intercourse unless someone chooses to stop.

While studies vary, experts estimate that between 44% of husbands and 25% of wives have had extramarital intercourse — and this in a culture where 80% of Americans disapprove of having an affair.  Sadly, the four  main reasons people cite to justify affairs include:

1. new-found sexual excitement
2. new-found love or romance
3. emotional intimacy from companionship and understanding
4. reasons such as career advancement or revenge.

Men tend to justify infidelity for reason #1 new sex, and women tend to justify it for reason #2 new love.

Ironically, these findings parallel the long list of benefits which committed couples enjoy, such as sexual responsiveness, emotional sharing, and companionship.  Somewhere our commitment has to convert into will power if we want to be faithful.  How do we exercise faithfulness?  Here are some tips.

Mental purity:  My thoughts are with you always

Since men tend to be visually stimulated much more than women, we need to guard our eyes.  Today’s media elite do not make it easy for us.  They know sex sells, so they try to hook us with sex at every turn.

• Are you surfing websites you know are off limits? Are you watching late-night TV or renting movies you would not watch with your son?  If you answer “yes” you’ve got some tough choices.

• When you walk down a sidewalk, where do your eyes go? When you walk with your wife in the mall, what grabs your attention?  If we commit our gaze to God and our wife, we may fall prey less to other women’s hair, legs, and cleavage.  Can we say to our wife, I only have eyes for you?Women tend to be relationally charged, and unlike men, need to guard how they think about other relationships.  While good men may be hard to find, a really great guy can get you thinking unfaithfully.

• What thoughts cross your mind when your male doctor listens empathetically to your woes?  What fantasies do you indulge regarding that guy at work?  Do you engage in dreamy relationships with your favorite soap star or cinema lead?

When we begin to entertain unfaithful thoughts or beliefs, it’s good to do a check and say aloud to ourselves, “I’m in control of my thoughts,” or “How might I make [spouse’s name] better today?”  Focusing afresh on our spouse redeems our thinking.

Relational guards: Sorry, but this person is taken

Neal and Yolanda live in Vancouver where Neal teaches high school and Yolanda volunteers at their kids’ schools.  Both are energetic, engaging middle-aged people who appear attractive to others.

• When asked how they show emotional faithfulness, their collective wisdom was “show dibs.” Yolanda serves on school committees with male administrators, and early in the year lets them know she’s taken.  “At a school event I make sure to introduce Neal so they all know I have a husband.  We just keep this all above board.”  Similarly, Neal said he invites Yolanda to staff parties so everyone can see he’s committed to her.  In fact, Neal chooses not to attend staff parties unless Yolanda can go too.

• Neal and Yolanda also share openly with each other about potential “threats.” “Openness with Yolanda keeps me accountable to her.  One of my teaching partners, ‘Jennie’ is a beautiful mid-thirties woman.  I will tell Yolanda when I’m having a meeting with Jennie after school.  I don’t want hidden agendas with my wife.”

• Neal also practices wise environmental ethics. When he meets with female co-workers, he pays attention to the details.  “I do little things like making sure the meeting is not in an enclosed room.  Stuff like that keeps me above reproach, keeps me accountable.”

Setting relational safeguards work like waist-high fences.   Both draw a line to show what, and who, belongs where, yet neither are cool or distant.  We tap these fences into place every time we make little choices in word and deed that help us avoid compromising relationships, or even the optics of one.

Sexual de-tempting: That would be inappropriate

In the old days men worked outside the home and took sexual infidelity as a privilege of position and power with out-of-town strangers.  Today men and women work as equals and the new morality allows for sex among consenting adults.   But even non-religious people still value old-school fidelity, and think that once you have committed to a spouse, you should be true to him or her sexually.  This double standard of romping promiscuously in one’s single years but hoping for loyalty in married life creates a tension in the workplace.  It’s the tension between appropriate workplace interaction and relational come-on.

Many people think its okay for a married person to receive emotional support from an opposite-sex work colleague over lunch. But doing so blurs the lines of appropriateness.  Sharing our marriage struggles with an empathetic colleague seems innocent enough, but is exactly the kind of emotional infidelity that leads to more complex involvement.  While we may think everything’s above board, emotional and sexual attraction can spark quickly, igniting more than collegiality.

So, what to do? Given the gray line between emotional and sexual attraction, it’s wise to be on guard at your workplace.  Are you in appropriate professional relationship with your colleagues?  Are you fooling yourself that you are “just friends”?  Similarly, guard your broader social network.  Old flames and your spouses’ friends often become potential threats to fidelity. Can you stake a fence?   Finally, guard your personal computer.  Some people think making a friend on the internet is an innocent activity, but long-term relating — even through email and the occasional photo — can misdirect your allegiances.

Yolanda put it well when she said, “Faithfulness isn’t all sexual. It’s multi-layered.  I believe our emotions and mind can engage unfaithfully without a person actually being physically unfaithful, and that creates a wedge.”

Thirty minutes from my home flows the Fraser River, a major thoroughfare for millions of migrating salmon

So what does fishing for sockeye say about friendship and forgiveness?

The first thing I’ve learned is that the relationship between me and a fish is like the friendship between me and someone close. If I simply go to the river, and watch fish go by (as they jump and splash), there is little risk, and little tension. The fish do their thing, and I do mine, and life is good.

Similarly, with those closest to us, it’s possible to get along on automatic pilot, watching and interacting almost at arm’s length. Of course this type of safe relating can be superficial, but we resign ourselves to it for whatever reason—maybe past hurts make us cautious, or moving to a new place makes everyone an acquaintance, or possibly physical struggles drain us from investing deeply in others. For whatever reason, thin relating feels pretty good at times, like watching fish swim by. But neither feeds us.

Making the effort

Now, toss a line out, and the whole game changes. Suddenly I’m a hunter, a seeker. I want relationship with a passing fish, or two, or three. Creating this relationship requires effort on my part to rig my rod and reel, cast a hundred times, and endure the elements of sun or rain. It also means pain for the fish, as hook enters mouth, digs deep, and sends trauma through its body. And the tension! My 20-lb. line strains to constrain the sockeye from swimming downstream with the river’s strong current. So I must “play” the line with my reel, giving line at times, and taking it in at others.

Is this not how we relate with others? Relating takes effort in time and energy. If we want a relationship to get beyond the superficial, we need to invest in each other. Good friends show effort through time for coffee, listening attentively, offering advice, and sometimes rolling up sleeves to fix computers, build fences or bake meals. We really can’t expect to sit idly by, watching others, as easily as we might watch fish.

While the metaphor doesn’t entirely hold, we know that relating with others is bound to be prickly with thorns and barbs. Communication experts used to think that the goal of a good relationship was to avoid conflict, but more recently they believe conflict is inevitable.  Conflict is even helpful for two people to understand each other, challenge the other and grow in trust. Of course conflict can also destroy, if not handled well.

Back on the river, consider what happens when I hook into a fish. At that moment, who is in control, me or the fish? At first it may seem I am. With rod and reel in good working order, and the fish tugging at the end of the line, all I must do is pull steadily, and account for any run, and in three minutes, the salmon is flopping at my feet, beached.

But for every fish landed, a significant number get away. Some fish dash down river, snapping monofilament like thread, but trailing hook and line from their gums. Others jump and twist and thrash and tear flesh, but if lucky, dislodge the hook. Wounded, yet free, they win.

Freed by forgiveness

Still other sockeye figure out a simpler, yet braver path. Rather than pull, dash, or thrash, they swim toward shore, and approach the fisherman. When fish do so, you’re bound to see a frantic person reeling like crazy shouting “No, no, no—not towards me!” But if the fish persists, the line goes slack, and the hook comes out with a flick of its head. In cases where fish swim toward their enemy, they often gain freedom from pain.

I think the same is true when we forgive others who have hurt us, and when we don’t, we dash, thrash, and tear our souls.

How do you dash and thrash? John Gottmann, renown relational expert, suggests four toxic ways we respond to people who hurt us. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (which in the book of Revelation are war, famine, death and pestilence—an ugly quartet!).

One reaction may be to complain or criticize. “I don’t like that blouse—it’s too frumpy.” “You stay up too late; what are you doing anyway?”

Complaint and criticism can easily lead to the other person’s defensiveness. “I would wear something nicer if you weren’t so cheap.” “I stay up late to have some time away from you, and what I’m doing is none of your business!” Defensiveness dodges responsibility, and gets us no where.

Defensive responses can make people shut down, withdraw or stonewall, that is, give the silent treatment. She doesn’t talk about clothes, and he keeps quiet about late nights. They figure that ignoring these issues will make them go away.

If these three horsemen roam freely, the fourth is not far behind: contempt and disgust. She may not say “I hate you for calling my clothes frumpy,” but she’s thinking it, and he may just as well say, “I hate you for not trusting me.”

When we respond these ways, we’re like tethered fish fighting frantically to solve our dilemma. We may succeed in breaking off, and sulking away, but always with wounds, and never truly free.

But what if we approached our enemy? What if we forgave them? Might we come unhooked?

“But they don’t deserve to be forgiven!” you might retort. True. But if we wait for them to apologize, we may never move ahead.

“But to forgive means I have to trust them again!” you might counter. No. Forgiving means you let go the hurt they caused you in the past, but it does not require you to enter back into a trusting relationship. That requires fuller reconciliation, and some relationships just aren’t ready for that.

“But I like feeling bitter towards them!” If that’s the case, then no, don’t forgive them. But don’t be surprised if you suffer from anger, anxiety, and migraines. Be prepared to be “hooked” into that hurtful relationship for years to come.

One day Jesus’ disciple, Peter, asked him “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21-22)

Most don’t take Jesus literally, but attitudinally. We should be ever-willing to forgive others, just as he forgave us.

The fish that fought my line were most often caught. Most of those that swam toward me were freed. May you approach your enemies, and free yourself by forgiving them.

Do you know the true Character of God? Take our Life Lesson on The Character of God and deepen your relationship with Him!

Do you need to talk to someone? We are here to listen.

“As He was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met Him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”

When He saw them, He said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then He said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well” (Luke 17:12-19).

My wife arrived home with flowers more beautiful than any I had ever given her. A dozen roses: pink, white, yellow, red, orange. They burst from the vase amid baby’s breath and leafy filler. And she wore a smile that told me she felt appreciated.

My wife is a career counselor and coach.  She helps people figure out why they can’t get employment or keep it. Each month she sees a dozen clients pass her way who struggle with issues related to work and home. Some lack schooling. Others perseverance. Still others carry deep wounds from hurtful pasts that make them seethe with anger—and it shows. For many their hurts act like leprosy, gnawing away at their vocational potential.

By the time clients leave the course they have picked up important insights into their personalities, how they manage time (or not), how they handle conflict (or don’t), as well as interview and resume-writing skills. During the program some people huff and gruff and argue “I know all this,” or “The problem isn’t me; it’s been my four bosses!” and they leave largely unchanged. Others show a more humble posture, listening, learning, soaking it in.

One attentive client was Nadia, and within a few weeks of finishing the program, she landed her dream job as office administrator and bookkeeper for a small construction firm. Days later she returned with the roses as a thank you. My wife will see a hundred clients a year, but only a handful return to say thanks. Like the nine lepers who were healed, the other ninety-some are busy about their lives, forgetting whom they might thank.

It really doesn’t matter who we are or what we’ve accomplished, we’re all lepers in some way. And along our journey others have helped. A teacher, a coach, a parent, a friend. May we be thankful for those who have invested in us, and let them know about it.

Question: Who has touched you? Who might you hand a dozen roses?

“As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”

When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

(Luke 17:12-19)

My wife arrived home with flowers more beautiful than any I had ever given her. A dozen roses: pink, white, yellow, red, orange. They burst from the vase amid baby’s breath and leafy filler. And she wore a smile that told me she felt appreciated.

My wife is a career counselor and coach.  She helps people figure out why they can’t get employment or keep it. Each month she sees a dozen clients pass her way who struggle with issues related to work and home. Some lack schooling. Others perseverance. Still others carry deep wounds from hurtful pasts that make them seethe with anger—and it shows. For many their hurts act like leprosy, gnawing away at their vocational potential.

By the time clients leave the course they have picked up important insights into their personalities, how they manage time (or not), how they handle conflict (or don’t), as well as interview and resume-writing skills. During the program some people huff and gruff and argue “I know all this,” or “The problem isn’t me; it’s been my four bosses!” and they leave largely unchanged. Others show a more humble posture, listening, learning, soaking it in.

One attentive client was Nadia, and within a few weeks of finishing the program, she landed her dream job as office administrator and bookkeeper for a small construction firm. Days later she returned with the roses as a thank you. My wife will see a hundred clients a year, but only a handful return to say thanks. Like the nine lepers who were healed, the other ninety-some are busy about their lives, forgetting whom they might thank.

It really doesn’t matter who we are or what we’ve accomplished, we’re all lepers in some way. And along our journey others have helped. A teacher, a coach, a parent, a friend. May we be thankful for those who have invested in us, and let them know it.

Question: Who’s patient witness has touched your life? Who might you hand a dozen roses?

Does your career own you?

Fortunately sheer hours do not determine a workaholic, but workaholics definitely work longer than most. What sets them apart is their sense of being out of control, as well as valuing busyness over relationships. Dr. Bryan Robinson, a leading researcher on work and relationships, defines workaholism as “a compulsive and progressive, potentially fatal disorder characterized by self-imposed demands, compulsive overworking, inability to regulate work habits, and overindulgence in work to the exclusion and detriment of intimate relationships and major life activities.”

What about you? Do you tend to:
• Feel rushed, busy, and multi-tasked?
• Work more than socialize?
• Hate being interrupted from your work?
• Feel guilty when you’re not working?
• Get impatient when you’re not “in control”?
• Become upset when others don’t measure up to your work standards?
A“yes” to some or any of these questions may signal a workaholic spirit.

Who Cares? Isn’t Work a Virtue?

True, work is good, important, and necessary. Right from the start God gave Adam and Eve the task to steward the garden. In the book of Genesis it says he placed Adam in Eden “to work it and take care of it.” We all know that a garden grows better when we add fresh soil, till packed earth, and spread moist compost. You can tell when a garden has received watchful, effortful attention.

We also know that healthy work gives us a sense of purpose and accomplishment, and earns us an income, which makes us feel good. Without work, everyday life would bump to a stop, for working gives us clean homes, kept parks, safe roads, and productive businesses. The place where work turns from virtue to vice is in our heart when we allow it to consume us, rather than us engaging it for our own directed purposes.

Okay, so can hard work really hurt my marriage?

Well that depends on what you’re working hard at. If you’re working diligently at your career, but sloughing off in your relationships, then yes, you’re headed for trouble. What does it look like to be engrossed with your job, but coasting in your relationships? Here are some signs.

• You ask someone a question, but miss their answer because your head is “somewhere else.”
• You spend little if any time thinking about your loved ones’ needs and wants.
• You tend to forget, ignore, or minimize birthdays, reunions, anniversaries or holidays in favor of work.
• You identify more with your position at work than your role as spouse, parent, or friend.
• Your spouse and kids cover for you when you’re absent from public family gatherings.
• When you’re home, you feel emotionally drained and detached from those around you.
• Your family has to “tip toe” around you lest you blow up at some minor offence.

The cancer at the root of these symptoms may be that we think careers take work, but marriage and family life are easy. A good, happy relationship does not just spring to life when we meet Mr. Right, or Miss Ideal.  They get knit together one stitch at a time through effort.

So what can I do if I feel like a workaholic?

I think the first question we need to ask is, What are we here for? And second, What should be the nature of our existence? I think the answer to the first is purpose, and the second is presence.

We gain purpose when we can see the reason for our work, and for our relationships, rather than feel they are a meaningless going-through-the-motions. My conviction is that life is about loving God and serving others. What is your purpose in life? If it’s to get rich or earn prestige, then perhaps that’s what’s driving your workaholism. Or maybe you work to forget past hurts, or to ignore current ones. If so, then your work is driven by wounds.

We gain presence when we reprioritize our values to create margin so we can offer attention and emotional support in our relationships. If your family has ever said, “you’re physically here, but your brain is somewhere else,” you know you lack emotional presence. I like the advice that says, “wherever you are, be all there.” So how do we gain purpose and presence?

1. If you’re really concerned about your work interfering with family life, seek professional help. The key is that you’ve identified the pattern, and can point to feelings and behaviors you think indicate a problem. I recommend you find a counselor if you identify with the indicators bulleted above.

2. Realize that with only 24 hours in a day, every minute spent at work means another minute lost at home. In Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins when Family and Work Collide?, Andy Stanley observes that broadly speaking all cheating is about trading one thing we value for something we don’t, and this normally entails trading an intangible virtue for some tangible reward. Are you trading away your marriage (an intangible I would call faithfulness) for the tangible rewards of promotion and toys? It sounds blunt, but if you can get your work done in eight hours, do. Put the laptop away, turn off the Blackberry, go home, and engage your family.

3. Recognize that all relationships require work. They aren’t easy. Pastor Ed Harris says it well:

All relationships require work. This is one of the most overlooked and under-appreciated areas of our human being tool chest. We think just because someone is married to us or that we have a few friends on Facebook and folks humor us by laughing at our jokes, that we have mastered the art of having a good relationship. Think again. Just like any other working organism, whether it is mechanical or flesh and blood, it requires maintenance, work and dedication.

This is a revelation to some.

4. Realize that the effects of your workaholism on your family are real. We’d like to think otherwise—that our spouse is strong, our kids resilient. Or we might think the benefits of our hard work outweigh its detriments. A young woman, Marin, would disagree.  She writes:

Most of my childhood, my dad was a severe workaholic. He worked as much as he could and made as much money as possible. That was what was important to him. He was doing it to support the family and give us extras, so I guess you could argue that the family was important to him, but it felt like work was more important because that is where he spent his time.

His workaholism put strains on all of our relationships. We kids were scared of setting him off or becoming angry with him. It changed the way that we behaved toward each other and outsiders.

I found that I have inherited the same tendencies. When I work excessively hard, I can become depressed, and then I become like a sloth. I don’t want to do anything, not even have fun or invest in others.

5. Negotiate your priorities with your spouse and family. We show our loved ones presence when we sit down, give full eye contact, listen actively, and talk about life, together. We show it in partnering with them about decisions small and large. For example, what plans might you agree on for tonight? The weekend? Your next vacation? Or, how do you hope to spend that nest egg? Will it be to visit your folks, or the in-laws, or to just get away by yourselves? If we put effort into our relating, similar to that put into career or housework or busyness, we’re bound to build hope.

When I consider deep sources for purpose and presence, I consider Jesus who said, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11: 28-30)

Jesus isn’t promising a bed of roses when we give our burdens to him, but he says his way gives rest, yields life, for it means not chasing achievement and accumulation or ignoring our hurts and wounds. His purpose provides meaning to love him and the people around us, people who become our allies as we face life’s challenges together.

Have you lost your family because you put business before your family? Watch this video and learn how Bud Paxon dealt with it.

Searching for meaning to existence? We want to pray for you.

“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:9-10).

A few years ago I put on a new identity by becoming a Canadian citizen. To qualify I was required to account for my whereabouts since moving to Canada, produce a birth certificate proving my United States origin, study a booklet about Canadian history, culture, and geography, take and pass a test, and stand before a judge to promise to be the best Canadian I could be. Soon I held official papers indicating my new status as a Canuck.

But in my other pocket, I still held a U.S. passport. That’s right. U.S. law allows its citizens to hold multiple citizenships. But it wasn’t always this way. For several decades Americans were required to revoke their U.S. citizenship if they became a citizen of any other country. During that era I chose not to become Canadian because I valued my American roots too much to let them go.

I kind of liked it that old way.

The old way required one to commit, to engage, to embrace. It required you to declare if you were one or the other, American or Canadian, and to put your legal identity where your heart was. The old way didn’t allow you to waffle, to play one identity today, and the other tomorrow.  By contrast, the new law allows you to flip flop. Today, when border crossing into the U.S., I can show my U.S. passport. Upon returning I can flash my Canadian one. Just who am I really?

While the parallel isn’t exact, the similarity to our identity as humans is unavoidable. We all begin with the baseline identity of being made in God’s image (imago dei) yet we are still in desperate need for renewal because of sin. The Good News is that when we recognize our failures, welcome God’s forgiveness, and embrace a new identity in Christ, we begin to shrug off the old self and take on the new. I like how Paul says it in Colossians as he explains why we should speak truthfully. Why? Because “you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”

Paul understands that this shifting and shaping of identity is a journey; we are being renewed. It’s a process. Knowing we are in a new relationship with God is a sure thing, yet growing in a new relationship with God requires us to commit, engage, and embrace his ways, study his book, stand strong when tested, and act on God’s promise of new life.

You will never find a lost passport and wonder whose it is. Their name is right there on the first page.  The question is, where is that person on their journey? Are they embracing and acting on their new identity, or are they clinging to the old one?

TAKE THE NEXT STEP: Who does God say you are?

Questions: Have you welcomed God’s forgiveness in your life to enjoy new identity in him? If so, where are you now on your journey?

About the Author Bill Strom