Familiar experiences resurface… The aroma of a cold weather dinner in the oven. The swish of the furnace firing up, the comfort of my old sweatshirt, the cold bathroom tile in the morning.

Like it or not, my body shifts in to Holiday Mode. It’s a familiar flight plan that transports me through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It’s a holiday package of events, appointments, travel, gifts, food, friends and family — and sometimes a dose of disappointment and unmet expectations.

How do you handle the holidays?

Do past seasons bring to mind warmhearted, functional family memories? Or does the mere thought of fruitcake and Santa Claus make you want to take a two-month solo vacation?

The holiday ritual has a profound effect on people. Requests for counseling are highest through the holidays. Sales of self-help and personal development books peak in the early year. Sadly, suicide rates are highest at Christmas.

I have incredible memories. But as I grow older, I find myself trying harder to enjoy the holidays. If I’m not careful, I easily fall in a trap of disillusion, anesthetized to the joy and potential possibilities of the season.

I have learned it is not only possible to survive the holidays; it is possible to enjoy and actually create new memories for my family and me. From lessons learned, what follows is my holiday punch list — A guide to help you navigate through this season better prepared and with increased happiness and love.

• Don’t fix it
  There is no better gathering of dysfunction than at Christmas time. Past issues and dysfunction easily get in the way of your ability to let go and enjoy the season. Don’t try to fix people — it doesn’t work. Fight the temptation to engage in confrontational-face-to-face discussions. Reschedule that business for another time. Try doing things different this year.

• Set realistic expectations
  For years my vision of the ideal holiday experience fell far short of the “Norman Rockwell” standard. I have learned to accept the family interaction as a dance I’ve danced before. It’s a slow and agonizing dance, but at least I know the steps. Accept it for what it is.

• Be flexible
  I am not a flexible person, so this was a hard lesson. Accept the fact that things won’t be exactly as planned. Flexibility is essential. Just keep repeating, “It’s only a few days, it’s only a few days…” Less control, more toleration.

  A friend related a sad story where he and his family spent a Christmas with his out of town parents. Christmas Eve was a disaster. His father had a few drinks, became verbally abusive, words were exchanged — a very bad scene. Christmas morning my friend packed up and brought his family home.

  That was four years ago. Since then they haven’t returned to share Christmas with his parents. They decided to regain control of their own lives and protect themselves from future holiday failures. They set boundaries. These days they celebrate Christmas at home. Though it sounds harsh, if your holidays seem like recurring train wrecks, you might need to consider similar changes.

  If you are a blended or re-married family, flexibility and negotiation are even more critical. These relationships are complex and challenging, especially during the holidays. Count yourself fortunate if your season is smooth. If not, get your hands on some good resources or counseling.

• Planning
  There are less surprises if Sheri and I pre-plan Thanksgiving and Christmas events. You might negotiate annual alternating locations — your family this year, his family next year. We have a less formal arrangement, sometimes merging winter vacations and getaways with family visits. Some years you might just want to spend the holidays at home.

  The best way to ensure post-holiday conflict is to overspend this Christmas. Pre-planning will minimize misunderstandings and prevent January budget shortfalls. Set limits; avoid loading up the charge cards; put less emphasis on gifts. (Warning: Be prepared for push-back from the family when you suggest spending limits. Be creative and stand your ground.)

• The In-laws
  A big holiday challenge for me is demonstrating love and sensitivity towards my wife’s extended family. It’s too easy for me to be impatient and inflexible when relating to my in-laws. In holidays-past, I wasn’t always on my best behavior.

  Don’t learn the hard way. A significant way to meet your spouse’s needs is to show respect and sensitivity towards her family. Serve her by going out of your way to make the “in-law” experience a smooth one. Honor her by demonstrating to her family the kind of husband you really are — the other 51 weeks of the year. Look, your spouse is only asking a few days from you. Get over it! Make this year different.

The spiritual component

What does Christmas really mean to you? Buried under the gifts, the charge receipts, the family gatherings, shopping and food — what’s left?

If you are a Christian, Christmas should have special meaning to you. But even committed believers get stuck in the commercialism and stress of the season, sidetracked far from the true spiritual meaning.

How do you get back on center?

Have you thought about if or where you will attend church this Thanksgiving or Christmas? Several years ago while visiting Sheri’s family for Christmas, we embarked on a church-finding mission. We hit the yellow pages and drove into town to scope out prospects. We found a church where we felt warm and welcome. That became our alternate Christmas church home.

For our family, church is a holiday priority — Not an obligation. We are there for community, worship, and celebration.

Remember that friends and family are spiritually sensitive this time of year. Outreach potential is high. Be bold — invite someone to church; send spiritually-focused Christmas cards; give a bible as a gift; initiate a spiritual conversation.

If you are a parent, this is the perfect time of year to establish a spiritual foundation. Start some new traditions — Read the Christmas story [Luke 2 ] from the bible. You need to take the spiritual lead in your family.

Christmas is inevitable, so make the best of it. Make Christmas a pursuit of joy and love. Create memories. Make a difference.

Not long ago, I defined “intimacy” as the physical part of our relationship. That definition has expanded.

Through the years our relationship became less selfish, richer and less physical. Now, don’t misunderstand, the physical aspect of our relationship is still important and fulfilling. But somehow the physical element of intimacy now takes a backseat to a new, more meaningful, intimacy experience.

Over the last several years, our marriage has evolved into a deeper partnership with increased trust, confidence and security. Our communication and conflict resolution skills have improved. We selflessly serve each other, always looking for creative ways to express our love and foster romance.

Our relationship has expanded beyond simple physical intimacy into a deep spiritual intimacy.

To be honest, this new level of closeness caught me by surprise. Not long ago, Sheri and I made spiritual decisions and commitments that, to us, seemed unrelated to our marriage. An upshot of our now changed lives is a stronger, more vibrant marriage–spiritual intimacy. It was a package deal.

Essentially, spiritual intimacy in marriage is about partnering with God; harnessing His love, strength and leadership and utilizing that power in your marriage.

Initiating spiritual intimacy

Remember, spiritual intimacy doesn’t just “happen.” We made specific decisions and commitments that made us accessible to what God wanted to do in our marriage.

Where to start: partnering with god

For the first half of our marriage Sheri and I were far from God. Sure, we were “good” people, we attended church occasionally, we prayed–but we really didn’t know God.

Trying to be a good person is important, but what God really wants is to have a personal relationship with you. You do that by making a decision–you simply tell Him you have messed up and need Jesus Christ to be your personal Savior. You decide to turn from your sin, as best you can, and ask Jesus to be your leader and friend. Simply talk to God; pray to Him.

Experiencing that defining moment will launch you in to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Your life will change. Your marriage will change.

To achieve spiritual intimacy in your marriage, it’s vital that you both are on the same page spiritually. That means you and your partner both need to “do business” with God; you both need to submit to Him and follow Him.

Imagine a triangle. Optimally, in a Christian marriage relationship, God is at the top and you and your partner are at opposite ends on the bottom. As the two of you grow spiritually, you will move upwards together toward God, up the triangle.

If you and your spouse believe different things or are on opposite spiritual growth patterns, you will not only grow apart relationally, but your growth will stall spiritually.

Engaging in a personal relationship with God is the first and most important step in initiating spiritual intimacy. Next, you need to increase your accessibility to God. You need to position yourself in activities that will facilitate God-caused change in your marriage.

Prayer

One of the most intimate activities you can share as a couple is prayer. When you talk to God together, sharing your most private thoughts, prayer becomes a team effort and you bond spiritually. Collaborative prayer unites the marriage partners into a unified voice, powerfully merging your marriage dreams, concerns and requests.

Sheri and I have found that when we pray together, it’s easier to recognize answered prayer. Praying together leads to communication throughout the day and causes anticipation about how God will respond.

Prayer is about listening too. Somehow combined prayer creates a heightened sensitivity to God’s activity in our marriage. We are in sync with God’s leading in our lives. At first, praying together isn’t a comfortable thing to do. For most of us, prayer is a very private activity. Disclosing your most personal thoughts to another person–even your spouse–is not easy. Here are some suggestions:

• Until both of you feel comfortable praying, one of you might want to take the lead.
• Decide in advance what you need to pray about. Remember the “ACTS” model: Adoration [worship], Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication [requests]. Of course you don’t need to hit on all of these. This is just a guide.
• You might also try writing out your prayers first.

Community

To grow to your full “intimacy potential,” you need to avail yourself to other like-minded people. Your first step toward community should be church involvement. Not just church attendance–you need to participate and connect with a local church.

A church will facilitate teaching, engage you in worship and provide a place where you can play an active role in a community of Christians. If you want to experience spiritual intimacy in your marriage, you both must connect with community.

Additionally, your church may provide marriage enrichment offerings: retreats, workshops, training and counseling. Take advantage of these resources.

Relationships

Trial and error is not the most effective means of achieving spiritual intimacy, yet that’s the approach many couples take. The most direct route to spiritual intimacy is to engage in close relationships with other Christians and learn by example.

A mentoring relationship, in the context of a small group or a one-on-one connection, will minimize missteps and provide a sounding board and safety net as you move forward. This is community on a deeper level.

These relationships will support you. If you’ve been married a while, you know that “stuff happens”–unemployment, financial difficulty, sickness, marriage problems… even death. When life goes south, you need to be surrounded by quality people.

Sometimes meaningful relationships just “happen”, but most often these connections don’t occur by chance–you need to take initiative.

The first place to look might be around your church or small group. Ask yourself: Whose marriage do I respect? Do I know a couple who’s “been there”? Who’s marriage would serve as an example to ours?”

Take this quest seriously. Connecting in a mentoring relationship is the fast track to spiritual intimacy.

The benefits of spiritual intimacy in our marriage are substantial. Our relationship is secure and strong; we have confidence about the future; our marriage has grown beyond simple human intimacy to a closeness only God could orchestrate. Even a “good” marriage doesn’t compare to a quality, God-centered marriage. Take the risk: Discover spiritual intimacy in your marriage.

You’re engaged. The date is set. The biggest, happiest day of your life is just a few months away.

Bliss becomes burden as you feel the pressure of wedding planning. Your gown, formalwear, dates, deposits. Banquet hall or caterer? Band or DJ? Where to honeymoon? Who’s in the bridal party? Flower selection, budget decisions, guest list.

After the big day, so many brides sigh, “The day just flew by!” Couples realize they invested dozens of man-hours, over a several month period, planning an event that lasts just one day. And when the party’s over, reality sets in: we’re married now!

A wedding is a complex event. There are many elements to coordinate, decisions to make and deadlines to meet to make your day the memorable experience you want it to be. This once-in-a-lifetime celebration deserves your attention. But, are you forgetting something?

Thinking beyond the wedding

Let’s do a little cost-benefit analysis. How long will you be married to your future partner? Thirty, forty, fifty years? That’s a long time. Is the time you expect to be married, proportional to the time you’ve invested in marriage preparation? Are you investing disproportionate time planning your wedding day?

Think past the wedding. What will marriage really be like? Do you really know your future partner? What baggage are you both bringing in to the relationship? Are you compatible? How do you prepare for the inevitable speed bumps ahead? What are your odds for success in this divorce-crazy world?

Put your plans on pause and invest in something that matters–your marriage.

Here’s my checklist for marriage preparation.

• Mentoring
  Engage in a pre-marriage mentoring process. Partnering with a trained, seasoned married couple will provide a sounding board and a safe place to explore your questions about marriage. Your church might have such a program. This is a learning process, a relational connection to the knowledgeable and experienced. But this process is much more than learning. A mentoring couple can provide support, accountability and a valued relationship. Additionally, such a process might provide an inventory assessment, showing you where growth is needed in your relationship.

• Purity
  While it may seem old fashioned, there are tangible benefits to maintaining sexual purity before marriage. Of course abstaining from a physical relationship honors God, the bible says sex is for marriage only. But there are other reasons. Statistically, couples who postpone sex, have a higher rate of successful marriages. Sex before marriage sometimes replaces communication and short-circuits conflict resolution. Couples who abstained from sex actually report experiencing a more sexually satisfying marriage than their counterparts. This decision is very counter-cultural, but the benefits are huge. Even if you are now physically involved, it’s not too late to stop.

• Living apart
  This is a tough one. Like the purity issue above, living apart before marriage provides a foundation to your future. Logistically, this could be difficult. You can’t afford a separate residence. Where would you move to? You love each other, how could you move apart? If you are committed to a strong marriage, pray about this, God will come through. Over and over we talk to married couples who celebrate how God blessed their relationship through this decision. Marriage success rates are higher for couples who choose to live apart before marriage.

• Education
  Take advantage of marriage preparation workshops and seminars. I strongly recommend a financial workshop before you get married. Blending and budgeting your finances could be a challenge and is a source of problems in many marriages. Look for event links on:
  http://growthtrac.com
  http://www.familylifecanada.com
  http://www.familylife.com

• It is vital you both are on the same page spiritually. Are you both Christians? Are you sure you are a Christian? A spiritual mismatch creates a relational disconnect deep in the marriage and potentially, could lead to disaster. The bibles calls this disconnect unequally yoked. It undermines true closeness, growth and happiness. The mentoring process, mentioned above, can help you discern where you are at spiritually.

Right now, amidst the deposits and decisions, commit to a marriage that will last. Invest in your future, and your wedding day will last a lifetime.

Photo courtesy of New York Snaps

One year ago this couple made promises on an altar. In front of their friends, family and God, they promised never to give up. They were in love; I knew it. I could see it in their eyes – the romantic attraction, the commitment. They knew up front that marriage is hard. They knew that a joyful wedding celebration and a fiery honeymoon weren’t necessarily predictors of marital success. They expected challenges.

That cell call indicated they probably were facing the greatest challenge of their new life together so far – marriage meltdown!

Causes of a marriage meltdown

How did this happen? What caused the downward spiral?

Even the best-prepared pre-married couples are ill- equipped for shaky finances, dual careers, old baggage and unmet expectations. Even under “normal” conditions, the best relationships are in for big challenges. And just add a few stepchildren and ex-spouses and things get really interesting!

None of us expect perfection; things go wrong, stuff happens. Marriage is an education. There are adjustments to be navigated, lessons to be learned and sacrifices to be made. That’s marriage. That’s normal.

But what do you do when the medical report is not good? When the portfolio collapses? When the spouse walks out? What happens when you miss the red flags and everything disintegrates? What do you do next?

Preparing for a meltdown

When things go terribly wrong, panic sets in. You lose objectivity, communication ceases; the situation deteriorates – fast. When life caves in, you find yourself on autopilot, struggling to stay focused, incapable of making critical marriage-saving decisions.

Knowing that every marriage is destined for intermittent crisis events, doesn’t it make sense to have a plan? Doesn’t it seem sensible to develop a tactical checklist you can rely on when things go bad?

Let’s do some risk management.

If you had to prepare a mitigation plan for that inevitable break down, what would be your top four, bottom line, action items? Imagine yourself deep in a marriage-threatening situation: Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you talk to? What steps would you take to save your marriage?

Steps to save a marriage

Here’s my top four list.

• Don’t do it alone
  From a spiritual growth standpoint, the best decision Sheri and I ever made was to join a small group. We had an immediate affinity with our church group, meeting regularly for learning, community and worship – we “did life together”.

  As new Christians, our spiritual lives soared, but there was an important side benefit: We developed close relationships. When our marriage got rough, we had friends to call. Through unemployment, surgery, and financial crisis, even death – our group was there for us.

  Since then, we’ve cycled through three groups and now, in our ministry, Growthtrac, have a solid board of directors. These are dedicated friends who provide accountability, support, prayer and one-on-one assistance when life gets tough.

  Who will you call? Don’t do it alone. Begin now – nurture some meaningful relationships.

• Seek assistance
  Fortunately, Sheri and I have been good about recognizing when to seek third party assistance. We’ve been in tight spots, deadlocked in marriage-threatening issues that we just couldn’t resolve on our own.

  A professional Christian counselor can provide objectivity and facilitate communication, steering a disaster-bound marriage toward recovery.

  Counseling has worked for us because we’re not embarrassed to ask for help. Sheri and I don’t think of counseling as a weakness, in fact, we’ve come through the experience stronger and more resilient.

  Know when to ask for help.

• Soften your heart
  Relationships are most vulnerable when disagreements escalate to the point of deadlock. If you let them, circumstances will quickly spiral to standoff stage – past disagreement, beyond raised voices to a point where communication stops and the only option seen through the helplessness and hurt is to walk out.

  Before you give up, pause and look at yourself.

  • Do you need to ask forgiveness?
  • What are you angry about?
  • Do you need to forgive?
  • Is a headstrong attitude stonewalling your marriage?
  • How might you compromise? Find middle ground.

  Someone needs to give in. Someone needs to soften his or her heart and take a first step toward healing. Relinquish your need to “be right.” Stop the finger- pointing, quit the blaming. Humble yourself and submit to the possibility that you contributed to the breakdown. Turn your focus from anger, to negotiation and next steps.

  What’s more important, your pride or your marriage? Why did you get married in the first place? Remember?

• Engage spiritually
  The catalyst for a loving, thriving marriage comes from God. It’s easy to disconnect from God – missing church services, skipping prayer and avoiding close friends – when you’re deep in relational disorder. Yet, this is the time you most need to be spiritually connected. It might be time for you to turn toward God…

Adding God to your marriage

Without God, our tendency is to drift into self-sufficiency; we try to fix bad situations on our own. When we operate independently of God, we’re simply surviving, finding temporary fixes. To engage in marriage-saving activities like the ones mentioned above, you need God.

1. Begin with prayer. Prayer is simply talking to God. Find a quiet place alone and tell Him what’s on your mind. Prayer isn’t about being eloquent or using religious sounding words – remember, this is a conversation. Ask God to show you what you need to change about yourself. And then ask Him to help you do that.
2. Praying with your spouse can be awkward even in great marriages, but if you can take that risk, it will pay dividends. Suggest prayer to your partner. Begin by simply sitting together, holding hands and closing your eyes; you take the lead. Come prepared with notes if you need to. Keep it simple.
3. Has your church attendance been sporadic? Suggest to your spouse that you combine a church service with a breakfast or dinner. Make it a date. In small steps begin to reestablish your church presence. Make it a weekly priority to get in the car, drive to church and walk in the door. Your hearts will soften and you’ll begin hearing God.

You may feel especially distanced from God during this time. Reach out to Him. He wants to have a personal relationship with you. That may be the critical missing link that is so essential to you and your marriage.

Giving marriage a chance

We talked for an hour that day my friend called my cell number. I thanked God and sighed a breath of relief as he wisely decided to give his marriage another chance.

Before ending the call, we set up a breakfast to discuss next steps and he agreed to unload the boxes from his SUV. That next week Sheri and I met with this couple, our friends, whose marriage was on the line.

That was a grueling conversation – direct and challenging. But they listened and boldly accepted our counsel. Today there is much work to be done, but because they are steadily pursuing these “basics,” their marriage is different. There is renewed hope.

It is possible to reclaim your relationship. But you need to prepare in advance and be ready to deploy any or all of these steps before your marriage shuts down. These suggestions will not come naturally – they are not intuitive – especially during troubled times. The foundation you build now could make the difference between healing and heartbreak.

If your marriage consists of physical or emotional abuse, you may also need to take measures to protect yourself and your children in ways that are beyond the scope of this article. Please consult with your pastor or Christian counselor to find ways to deal with this situation.