I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months now.  We are thinking about getting married. What issues are important to discuss before marriage? I know we all tend to have secrets or past experiences that we wish to take to our grave.  Should every detail be shared or only those that we think could affect a marriage relationship? We’ve talked about going through a workbook that will help us see our compatibility.  Should see a pre-marital counselor?    Hector

Advice: Dear Hector, thank you for writing.  I would encourage you to purchase the book So You’re Getting Married by Norman Wright  (Available from Amazon and most bookstores).  It covers most of the topics and issues you need to discuss prior to marriage. Once you have decided to marry for sure – then, you can go for premarital counseling. If you find there are some hot topics or issues in your relationship now you may want to get counseling for them.

Relationships take work. Relationships grow with honesty and authenticity. If you feel you have something to hide from the past that is not good and most likely, should be shared in order for complete openness in the relationship. If you hide the past that will become a pattern for the future.  It will only destroy your relationship. Openness about the past will develop your trust, love and forgiveness. If your partner is willing to accept you and your past, acceptance will play a role in the future.

What issues and topics do you want to cover in this stage of your relationship?

1. Communication: What kind of communication is needed for a healthy intimate marriage?  Here are some healthy characteristics for great communication: open, honest, ability to admit it when we’re wrong or have done something to hurt the other.   Communication that is tactful, loving, gracious and listens.  Do each of you have the ability to speak the truth in love?
2. Roles and expectations:  Who will do what once you are married? Who will be responsible for various tasks? Will you both work outside the home?
3. Commitment: what does that mean to you for a marriage relationship? Are both you you ready to commit to this for life?
4. Anger and conflict management: How do the two of you handle anger and conflict?  What is your style? Have you worked through issues of power and control? Are you able to problem-solve and work through conflict? Learning skills in these areas will not only enhance your relationship together but, help you manage conflict with others.
5. In-laws: this is a big issue. If one of you has a very dysfunctional family – they could interfere with your relationship. Working on this area is important.  You may need boundaries that help you spend time with both families without putting your relationship at risk.
6. Goals for marriage: Are you planning to have children?  Do you both agree on this as a goal in the future? What else do you want in your marriage?
7. Finances: How do you manage money individually?  Do you have similar or very different spending patterns and goals? Is one more concerned about a budget and one more concerned with how to spend money?

As you can see there are a lot of issues to talk about and explore. But, working on these issues can draw you closer and help you discover whether there are some differences which can’t be worked out.

© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

A couple of months ago, he stopped mentioning the subject of our future together. When I questioned him, he’d tell me to just trust in the fact that he loves me. Something still felt wrong, but we didn’t know what it was. He continued to pull away. Then about two weeks ago, he ended our dating relationship, saying that he loved me, but did not know what he wanted. Days later, we realized that the problem was that we both began to venture away from God. He admitted to me that he had been putting me first in his life, rather than God. He said that he could not continue a relationship with me because he knew it wouldn’t work unless he put God first in his life – and I agree.

We have both since re-dedicated our lives to God. We also agreed that we would always be best friends, regardless. The problem now is that he says he isn’t ready to pick up the relationship again and I don’t understand why. I’m being his best friend and I’m backing off and I’m praying every day for him. But I miss him terribly. This is so hard for me. What else can I do?

It’s understandable that this is a major heartbreak for you. But, it’s important to face the facts and realize that your boyfriend wants to end the relationship and is trying to be as nice as possible about it with you. I would encourage you end the relationship completely. Tell him that you no longer want contact with him because it is too hard to go back to “just friends”.

Move forward. I think that you should get on with your life and seek God’s will for yourself. Praying for him will be difficult because he has hurt you and it keeps the focus on him. You need to get the focus off of him and move on. It will be hard but it’s better not to hang on hoping he will change his mind. Praying for him is ok but limit it to once a day and pray that God will help give you the strength to do His will.

Grow from this experience. Purchase the book Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner by Neil Clark Warren. Now that he has changed his mind and wants to just be friends – it would be hard to trust him again if he said he is committed to you. You should not take him back. You need someone you can count on with good character qualities – someone who is godly. Read about givers and takers.

Give yourself time to grieve. Realize that God knew this was going to happen all along. He is not up in heaven wringing His hands over this. If God wanted you together – your ex-boyfriend would feel the same way you do and his character would reflect more godly qualities. God wants a man in your life who will be committed for a lifetime to you and to Christ and who will consistently reflect the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Trust God. He will guide you through this. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

How do you deal with feelings of anger, frustration, fear, stress, loneliness, conflict, depression or disappointment?

If you answered the last three questions with a ‘yes’, maybe you be categorized as an “emotional eater”.

What is emotional eating?

It is the practice of consuming large quantities of food – usually “comfort” or junk foods – in response to feelings instead of hunger.

Experts estimate that 75% of overeating is caused by feelings which means that most of us are guilty of using food to cope with emotions.

Lisa was always dieting and always fixated on food. As an overweight child she regularly turned to junk food to relieve feelings she couldn’t deal with. But, overeating caused her more feelings of guilt, disgust and failure.Maybe you can identify with Lisa. Though your eating patterns may not be as extreme – you might still be labeled as someone who “eats for comfort”.

What are the consequences of emotional eating?

Basically, the comfort one finds from eating is temporary. Comfort eating does not resolve life’s issues or feelings. This type of eating leads to long-term consequences such as obesity, emotional instability, guilt and shame.

What are some practical steps for changing eating for comfort patterns?

Start by logging when you eat and are not actually hungry. Do this for one week. Ask yourself – what triggered my need to eat? What was the thought, stress, conflict, disappointment, fear, anger driving me to food? Write out in detail what occurred prior to eating for comfort versus eating for hunger. It may have been awhile since you actually ate because you felt hungry. Eating, though an enjoyable activity, should be based on hunger.

Identify any healthy coping skills you use in response to the triggers. Maybe you don’t use food for comfort all the time. How could you begin to use the healthy coping skills you practice more often?

Explore and deal with feelings: The next step is to implement interventions and a strategy for dealing with the anger, resentment, depression, low self-esteem, fear and stress underlying the eating for comfort syndrome.

Your feelings are indicators that something is wrong in your life. Deal with your feelings directly by asking yourself “what is the issue I am facing and is it valid?” Once you identify the issues in your life underlying eating for comfort – you can begin to work on healthy coping skills.

Here’s an example: Your spouse calls you up and says he will be coming home late from work. You act understanding but, after you hang up the phone you begin to feel angry because you had planned a special dinner for the family. Instead of reaching for the bag of chips or a candy bar – stop yourself. Write out how you are feeling and a request you might make of your husband to help avoid this predicament in the future such as: “Can you please let me know a couple of days ahead of time when you have to work late?”. Plan an activity and a healthy snack such as carrots and celery or a piece of fruit for your family in order to deal with the delay in serving dinner.

How do you generally cope with your emotions?

Do you have someone to talk to about your feelings? Do you pray? Do you confront people assertively who have disappointed or hurt you? Do you write out your feelings in a journal? Are you an option-thinker? Read about assertiveness. Do you work off pent-up feelings through exercise?

Are you an option thinker? Can you analyze problems and come up with various solutions and resources? You need to learn how to tackle problems and stress with new skills that help you adapt to people and changes in life.

Healthy coping skills will help you face problems head-on versus suppress them by turning to food.

Get support

You may need to see a doctor for a physical exam to assess whether there is a hormonal or physiological basis for obesity and/or the compulsive eating patterns. You may consider consulting a nutritionist to set up a weight loss program for you.

Research diet programs carefully which include all four food groups, do not require drastic lifestyle changes, are recommended by your physician and have a good track record of maintaining weight loss (ex: Weight Watchers).

Find an appropriate support group for your particular eating disorder.

Contact the following organizations for help and resources:

• Overcomers Outreach, Inc
• In His Image (a web support group with resources)
• Overeaters Anonymous

Consider seeking God to help you manage your life and gain control over food. Overeating feeds a craving just like any other addiction. People long to fill the spiritual void inside with something. This world is difficult and uncertain. We long for peace and security. People need supernatural help for living. Why not go directly to the Creator of the universe for the power to change? Read about faith and spiritual change. God is the answer and can bring us freedom from any addiction or unhealthy behavior pattern. Address other issues:underlying depression, abuse, traumatic events or losses which have been left unresolved or haven’t been grieved. A Christian counselor can help explore the causes and triggers of your eating disorder and identify healthy coping skills to help change your thoughts and behaviors.

Finally, build your self-esteem. A good dose of self-confidence will enable you to express your feelings, opinions, preferences in healthy ways rather than stuffing feelings and finding comfort in food. Read a book such as The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God’s Eyes (workbook included) by Robert McGee.

The following book is helpful for tracking eating patterns to gain a deeper understanding of what emotional need food is trying to replace.: Thin Within by Judy Wardell, R.N. Halliday, Arthur W., M.D. Halliday, Heidi Bylsma, Sally Rackets

Most people tend to be fairly indirect about expressing their feelings and needs

When you can’t express your wants openly, you have to hint, “It looks like a nice day . . . . our neighbors went to play tennis.” Or, “the newspaper mentioned an arts and crafts show this Sunday.” and hope your friend or spouse will pick up on it. So whether you tend to be indirect, aggressive or passive your relationships aren’t satisfying and issues aren’t resolved. Assertiveness doesn’t leave communication or issues in relationships up to chance.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a way of confronting the unpleasant or difficult times without getting squashed or squashing others in the process. When you use assertiveness you can negotiate reasonable changes by stating directly what you think, feel and want. Assertiveness builds intimacy, solves interpersonal problems and increases honesty, requests and refusals in your relationships.

Of course, you can choose any number of alternatives to assertiveness. You can fake your feelings, suffer silently, retreat from others, manipulate them or demand your way. Ultimately these options are self-defeating and harmful to relationships.

Use paraphrasing

One of the keys to making assertiveness work for you while making it palatable for others is to combine it with active listening. Listening involves hearing and paraphrasing back what someone says to you. It gives you the opportunity to pick up on their viewpoints and continue the dialogue.

You don’t have to agree with their opinions, but active listening will show that you value and respect them. This will increase the odds that others will take time to listen to you.   Make certain that your paraphrase is brief and includes the facts and feelings the person is expressing.

Begin summarizing what people say to you with these phrases:

• “In other words…”
• “Let me get this straight…”
• “So you felt that…”
• “What I hear you saying is…”
• “If I understand you correctly…”
• “Would you say that…?”
• “Do I understand you to mean…?”

Assertiveness skills

Still, the most difficult aspect of communication comes when you take the risk to talk about your opinions, feelings and needs. Don’t let fear hold you back! Speak up within the bounds of love. Learning assertive communication skills is the next step.

Here are some examples of assertiveness which will help you express your opinions, confront others, state your feelings or make requests:

• Stating your preference or opinion; “My preference is… “What I’d like is…”
  Expressing you feelings; “I feel…when…”
• Making requests: “This movie is not what I hoped it would be. I would like to leave.”
• Disagreeing with someone; “I disagree with you when you say…”
• Saying yes or no without making excuses; “I am unable to come to lunch.”
• “I” statements for confronting: “I feel…when you…because…”

Use the A-S-E-R-T model:

• A = Ask for God’s help: Pray for God to guide you.
• S = State the problem: Think over & state the facts of the problem.
• E = Express yourself: State your feelings. Do not judge.
• R = Request change & feedback: Specify one behavior change.  Then listen to the other  person’s thoughts and opinions.
• T = Talk-it-out: Paraphrase their ideas. Discuss the consequences, considerations & options.

Examples: When you need to bring up a problem or issue, you can approach another person by saying:

“I have been worried about our finances and would like us to make a budget so we can both feel we have input into spending. What do you think about this idea?”

“I feel upset when you say that you will be home by dinner-time but don’t show up until an hour later.  How do you think this problem can be solved?   I’m sure we will both feel better if we can work this out.”

“I have been feeling stressed-out lately by all the work in my Sunday School class. I would like you to find a substitute for me for the next month so I can take a break.  I know I will be better able to handle the class when I return. Is this feasible? And can we brainstorm some ideas about people who can take my place?”

Assertiveness need not be a painful exercise of skills.

You can get something out of communicating more directly. Aristotle wrote, “many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking.” Speaking up will help you build closer relationships with others and gain more confidence in yourself! Just think, no more hinting, raging, manipulating or demanding your way! Instead, you can state your ideas, thoughts and feelings confidently, not leaving communication up to chance!

Do you struggle with feeling that you deserve to be heard? Have you wondered about your value as a person?Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

My son is fifteen years old turning sixteen. He has always been an easy-going, easily adaptable, pleasant child. The last two weeks I noticed, especially on weekends, that he seems a little agitated. When I questioned him, he said that he is feeling frustrated and just feels like breaking something or just putting his fist through something. He said that he is feeling angry, but does not know why. I regularly clean his room, and have not found anything unusual amongst his things that could indicate drugs or cults. It concerns me that he is so agitated. He says he has difficulty in sleeping. Have you got some advice?

Advice: There are many reasons why your son could be angry. Boys and men tend to turn their feelings of hurt, sadness, frustration and fear into anger. I would encourage you to get him to counseling if this continues since he has a serious problem with anger.

You haven’t found any drugs but you should still be concerned about substance abuse. Whenever someone’s attitude and behavior has such a radical change, drugs and alcohol may be the culprit.

I would urge you consider purchasing the book: What’s Good About Anger? When you go to the site, have your son take the inventory. Also, there are some frequently asked questions about anger. Many times when people are angry, they are dealing with depression as well.

So, consider going to counseling and encouraging your son to work through his anger by reading a book and learning new skills to cope with anger. If there have been any recent changes or losses in your son’s life, that may also be the reason for his anger. Changes are frustrating and cause irritability. Loss brings up many emotions that need to be worked through.

I have struggled with horrible PMS for years, only to have it lifted at menses. I feel guilty about not being able to keep my raging hormones out of my personal life.

Advice: Hormone fluctuations definitely play on our emotions because when estrogen levels decrease – serotonin levels decrease as well. Serotonin helps us feel good mentally and emotionally.

It’s important to understand the physiological process of PMS. The female hormone estrogen starts to rise after menstruation and peaks around mid-cycle (ovulation). It then rapidly drops only to slowly rise and then fall again in the time before menstruation. Estrogen holds fluid and with increasing estrogen comes fluid retention: many women report weight gains of five pounds premenstrually. Estrogen has a central neurologic effect: it can contribute to increase brain activity and even seizures. Estrogen can also contribute to retention of salt and a drop in blood sugar. PMS patients and migraineurs benefit from both salt and sugar restriction and a mild diuretic.

The physical, emotional and psychological changes that occur in PMS coincide with hormonal changes of the menstrual cycle. PMS may be a response to declining levels of estrogen and progesterone that occur just prior to menstruation. The exact role of the various hormones is not clear. Some neurochemicals (chemicals that help make up the nervous system) also have been implicated. Hormones and neurochemicals may interact to produce PMS. Read more at PMS – Causes – WomensHealthChannel

This fluctuation in the hormones affects our bodies – thus, affecting mood and how we function and act. It will be a challenge to try to be nice and polite while we are feeling blue, irritable, depressed, etc. from the fluctuation in estrogen. It will take God’s power, some medical intervention, changes in stress and nutrition and supportive people in our lives to help us get through this phase.

There are several steps women can take to help themselves deal with estrogen deficiency and prepare for menopause:

• Emotional and mental wellness: When you are experiencing the symptoms of hormone loss, you will feel blue. This increases emotional fragility and a sense of low self-esteem. Deficiency in hormones and lack of sleep cause irritability, confusion and sadness, angry outbursts, tears and relational problems.While estrogen therapy may be recommended to help elevate mood, women should also incorporate natural methods of elevating mood such as lowering stress and increasing recreational and exercise programs. I encourage women to consider a new venture, career or learning a useful pursuit such as photography, writing or computer technology. I knew someone who finished her MSW when she was 55! Start participating in meaningful recreational and social activities. Begin hiking, biking, bird-watching, participating in a book club, or enjoying Christian ministry or new hobby.

• Spiritual wellness: This will bring the greatest stability when women enter this new stage of life. As a Christian. you can be certain that the Lord cares about you and understands your suffering. He will be your companion through this valley. Take more time to read Scripture, the Psalms and pray. This will help alleviate depression and anxiety caused by menopause. Memorizing Scripture can change your attitude about life.When the writer of Psalm 42:5 felt depressed, he talked to himself and told himself biblical truth about life, the future and God: “Why are you downcast o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my Lord.”

• Challenge your thinking and renew your mind according to the truth of Scripture in order to get God’s perspective on your life and experience a greater sense of wellness all-around.

• Why not write out some goals to help you better manage the peri-menopausal/menopausal symptoms you are dealing with and consult with your physician about medical interventions? Determine to take better care of yourself and move forward in this new phase of life. You, too, may find that this stage is a happier experience for you as others have reported.

• Finally, trust in the promises of God. Isaiah 58:11 says, “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

I hope that you will find some help with your PMS problems. Please read other recommendations for PMS – Treatment – WomensHealthChannel.

I also hope that you will be encouraged and know that God loves you and understands your pain and suffering. He is also the God of grace who can give you strength to keep going despite this obstacle in your life. May He help you find ways to better manage PMS in the future. And please know that He does not condemn you for this – but wants to help you. Take care.

When we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we experienced the wonderful cleansing power of His blood, which was shed on the cross for us over 2,000 years ago. We had an overwhelming feeling of freedom and release from the bondage of sin and death when we first repented from our old lives and turned to Christ. Then, the following dilemma began to occur as the weeks and months went by – we found ourselves tempted to return to sinful patterns of thinking and acting. It became difficult to accept that we would still continue to sin because we are children of the King: righteous, new creations in Christ, called to be holy as He is holy.

But the truth is, we are still sinners and will always battle with sin in our lives because we are inwardly bent towards sin. That is the reason God says in His Word that we need to confess our sins and rely on His promise to cleanse us:

• “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’ – and you forgave the guilt of my sin” (Psalm 32:5).
• “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).
• “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
• “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

These verses remind us that:

1. As Christians we will still sin.
2. Though we are commanded not to sin, there is forgiveness through Jesus Christ.
3. When we sin, there is a way to restore fellowship with God:

• Confess that sin to God and to others.
• Repent from the sin, asking God to change the direction of our lives.
• Pray for each other; ask someone to pray for us.
• Trust that God’s promises are true: He has forgiven us and no longer condemns us.

Who we still are

Sometimes pride keeps us from admitting our sin or keeps us from forgiving ourselves when we sin as Christians. When this happens we need to tell ourselves the truth about who we still are… sinners saved by grace. Don’t let pride keep you from enjoying your relationship with God and don’t believe that you are now above the need for God’s ongoing grace in your life.

You can begin living in God’s grace and accept His ongoing, unconditional forgiveness for the sins you still battle, or the memory of past sin in your life. Realize that as a Christian, you still need to recognize and confess sin in your life. You can have grace for yourself based on God’s grace and forgiveness for you when He paid the penalty for all your sins once and for all through His Son’s death on the cross 2,000 years ago.

Begin to bask in the forgiveness of Christ! You are no longer condemned. You are forgiven! You are His child. You can make a new start every time you sin… just sincerely confess it and ask God to change you from the inside out. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” If you have repeatedly fallen into the same sin such as pornography, lying, unforgiveness, substance abuse, gossiping, etc., then go to your pastor, a mentor or a Christian counselor and ask for their guidance, prayer, and instruction on how to begin to flee the temptation to sin, to be accountable and to make amends for your sin.

Memorize the following Scriptures so that you can begin relying on God’s Word and the assurance of forgiveness He offers you in Christ, rather than the self-condemnation you may be thinking and feeling.

• “And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God. Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Hebrews 10:10-14, italics mine).
• “In him (Christ) we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace” (Ephesians 1:7, italics mine).
• “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:10-12, italics mine).

Remember that God’s love “covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). We don’t know our hearts very well, but God knows us and His forgiveness is complete and eternal because Jesus Christ has paid the penalty for our sins and “not for our sins only, but the sins of the whole world” (1 John 2:1-2).

When are antidepressants appropriate for treating depression?

In my opinion, antidepressants can and should be tried as an intervention for depression when people are suffering some of the following symptoms for over two weeks which hinder their functioning and ability to live a normal life:

• Poor concentration
• Difficulty sleeping and eating
• Loss of weight
• Poor work performance
• Continual fatigue
• Thoughts of suicide or “I wish I were dead”
• Crying spells. (See my article on depression.)

Are a physical examination and mental health consultation needed?

I encourage clients to get a complete physical examination to rule out any underlying physiological disorders which may be causing the depression such as hypothyroidism or hormonal problems. Then, I recommend that they go to a psychiatrist, to get an evaluation to determine the need for medication since a psychiatrist specializes in diagnosing and treating mental health disorder, while a physician only sometimes treats mental health problems. Many people today opt to be treated by their family physician because it is more convenient and less expensive.

When an antidepressant is used, then the person needs to be followed up by his/her doctor to see what the results are and if there are any side effects from the medication. Usually, the doctor or psychiatrist wants to see this patient within two weeks after starting the medication. The patient and doctor need to talk about any other current medications he/she is taking which might be contraindicated for use with an antidepressant. Many other factors must be assessed such as: is the person dealing with an alcohol or drug addiction, or is the woman pregnant, looking to become pregnant or breast-feeding? These patients may not qualify to use an antidepressant.

I encourage clients to manage their own health care by getting the drug insert which gives information on side effects, complications and when it is contraindicated. When clients are on medication they tend to start feeling better and then, stop going to counseling. Unfortunately, they avoid dealing with the real issues which are causing the depression. So, the doctor and the counselor needs to encourage them to continue in counseling to learn better coping skills for the situations or relationship issues they face.

What about natural ways to increase neurochemicals?

Clients need to learn to increase their neurochemicals through natural ways such as exercise and taking time to grow spiritually. The medication will boost their neurochemicals, ie., serotonin, catecholamines… but, it doesn’t change the fact that one has to work through the loss of a loved one or still has to deal with past sexual abuse. Those crises and losses need to be dealt with, processed and grieved.

Is there a spiritual dimension to depression that gets overlooked when we rush into taking medication?

There most certainly is always a spiritual dimension to depression. David writes in Psalm 42:5-6 5, ”Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Every person who walks in my office feeling depressed has an issue with God. Most Christians who are depressed have a general sense of disappointment with God. They struggle with periods of doubt about God’s love for them and begin to question whether He will help them through their problems. Non-Christians express anger towards God wondering “how a good God can allow suffering.” Believing that God does not exist, might not exist or doesn’t care actually is the basis for some of the hopelessness and despair causing their depression.

Perspective and beliefs about God and Who He is changes one’s feelings and perspective on life. When people know that there is a God of the universe Who loves them and has a plan for their lives, they begin to feel more hopeful and experience the comfort and peace they need to work through any trial or disappointing circumstance. They begin to pray and read the Bible which changes the false beliefs underlying their depression.

Since human beings are very complex, it is necessary as well to look at all the underlying causes of depression such as: low self-esteem, losses, physical pain, relationship or financial issues, guilt, shame, trauma, dysfunctional family issues, along with the spiritual and physiological reasons.

Most importantly though, people need to discover a relationship with Jesus Christ so they can be forgiven and be assured of spending eternity in heaven. Experiencing that relationship with Christ, freedom from sin and hope for eternal life makes one’s life on earth more bearable and even joyful. Medication can give people more motivation and energy to get through a depressive period in their life, but it will not be a cure-all for depression.

One must take steps to fight depression on all fronts: spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally and relationally.

What can people learn spiritually when going through depression?

1. God is there for them. That God can bring real wisdom and help for their needs. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

2. There is hope for the future both temporarily and eternally. Why? Because Jesus Christ can bring strength and wisdom to make the right choices to face any trial and He promises everlasting life to people who trust Him alone for their salvation. (John 3:16, 10:10)

3. To fix their eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfector of their faith. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

4. To build character by learning perseverance and endurance in hardships. (Romans 8) And yes, people will miss out on the spiritual learning experiences of depression when they look for a “quick-fix” vs. working on the core issues which are causing their depression. People can work out of depression with God’s help and the resources (He provides!) which are available medically and psychologically.

All of life is a spiritual learning experience. God is there for people who are suffering. People can really experience God’s help and presence in the valley of depression.

5. To pray fervently

• (1) Surrender your life to Christ and His will. If you don’t have a personal relationship with Him then, read the article, “How to Know God”.

• (2) Admit any sins you have committed (1 John 1:9). Guilt can play a part in causing your depression. But, remember, that Jesus died for our sins and has already paid for your sins (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 1:7; 4:32). But, you need to admit and repent of any sin which may be part of the cause of your depression…. such as resentment, bitterness or anger. Read about forgiveness.

• (3) Admit any fears you may have. Ask God for the courage to face these fears and to take any steps you need to take to overcome them.  Pour out your fears and feelings to God. He can take it!Read some scriptures on fear and anxiety, such as Phillippians 4:6-7, 13 and Isaiah 41:10. These scriptures will remind you that Jesus Christ can provide the inner strength and peace you need and that the Lord is your helper.

• (4) Offer yourself as a sacrifice to God (Romans 12:1-2). Ask Him for His wisdom (James 1:5) in handling the problems of the day, His perspective on people and your life and the filling of the Holy Spirit.

• (5) Ask God to help you serve Him and others today. Think of one thing you can do. Reaching out to others is a blessing and the giver (you) gets something in return, a sense of achievement, satisfaction. Ask Him to help you do one or two things which will help lift your spirits today and give you hope such as: reading your Bible, exercising, listening to Christian music. Ask God if you need to set boundaries in some relationships so that you can be renewed. Read the article on codependency.

When you pray fervently, fix your eyes on Jesus, persevere in trials and surrender your life to God asking for wisdom, faith, hope and peace, you will see God work! He is able to do above all that you ask or think because He is the Almighty God! (Ephesians 3:14-21)

See other articles and facts about depression, take the depression inventory to evaluate whether you are struggling with depression. Check out Depression, Coping with the Blues and read about Averting Suicide.

©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

My husband and I were brought up very differently and it is effecting the way we raise our 2 year-old son. He tells me I spoil him and I tell him he’s too strict. There are things I let our son do that my husband disagrees with. I just think he’s a kid and he should have fun as long as there’s no danger to it. My husband says there is a difference between having fun and being spoiled. Do you have any idea how we can come to some sort of agreement?

Advice: I would encourage you to read some books on child discipline together such as Dr. Dobson’s book: The New Dare to Discipline and Discipline with Love. You may not agree completely on how to discipline but if you both are willing to grow and learn together in this area, maybe you can negotiate and agree on methods. Your spouse may have some insight that you don’t have about disciplining and you may have some insight that he doesn’t have. The most important thing is that you do agree and are consistent about discipline together or your child will learn how to manipulate you against one another. The Bible says, “Train a child up in the way he should go (the way of the Lord) and when he grows up he/she will not depart from it.” Discipline is important in God’s eyes. He disciplines His children. Are you one of His children? Learn from the Lord by reading the Bible. John 10:10 says, “To all who believed (in Christ), they became children of God.” How important it is to know God and His will and wisdom for living.

©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

I am struggling with forgiveness. I know that forgiving someone who hurt me is part of my recovery process, but does forgiving someone mean that I need to be willing to treat that person as well as I would treat those I consider my closest friends? (Assuming that it’s appropriate to interact with the person who hurt me.) Does forgiving completely mean that there are no consequences for the person at fault?

Advice: In Total Forgiveness Kendall addresses the issue of how we treat others after they have let us down or mistreated us. There are consequences which sometimes can’t be and shouldn’t be removed when we forgive. In his book, Kendall talks about situation where a woman forgave a rapist and also decided to testify in court in order to stop him from raping again. In that case, judicial consequences were meted out along with forgiveness. There are other examples given as to how relationships are affected when someone mistreats or abuses us. Forgiveness does not cancel out all consequences. As in any situation, be careful not to put yourself in an unsafe place or an unsafe relationship.

You may decide that a friendship may change because that person cannot keep confidences. A change in relationship is does not mean that you have not forgiven the person. You can let go of the blame and not hold the wrong against the person, but you may learn something about that person’s character such that changes the way you relate to them.

If you learn that they can no longer be trusted with confidences or that they cannot be trusted to follow through on a commitment, then it is necessary to take steps to protect yourself.  You can forgive them but decide not to share certain things with them any more, or not to rely on them for important things. Forgiveness does not mandate that you trust all people on the same level or that there will be no consequences for wrongful behavior.

You need discernment about the person and the issue to be forgiven. Forgiveness shouldn’t get dispensed whenever someone wrongs you without bringing on some consequences for that person and the relationship. Hopefully, the person will feel guilty and want forgiveness and reconciliation. Consequences may not be needed when issues are small or the matter was only a misunderstanding.

Forgiveness is necessary for you to be free from the black hole of bitterness. It is a process that demands wisdom and grace. Forgiveness will cause you to make some decisions which are hard to make. You may need to learn more about assertiveness and more about your own need for forgiveness.   You may even take a risk or need to trust that person again!  You may decide that the person needs to earn your trust again.

Forgiveness doesn’t equal trust and doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for the person or relationship and boundaries that need changing. Forgiveness will challenge you to grow – to love more deeply and to learn more about life and interacting with people. But, more importantly, forgiveness will set you free!

The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. As children of God we have been forgiven and are commanded to forgive.  Forgiveness is at the very heart of grace, it is a cornerstone of faith.  God doesn’t leave us to fight our own battles and He doesn’t ask us to forgive in our own strength either.  Pray for the grace to be able to forgive, ask Him to soften yur heart and give you the ability to forgive.

God wants to be our leverage in living, empowering us to be able to forgive even when it hurts. Do you need to borrow the strength to forgive? Are you tired of trying to do it all yourself? Ask God to be the leverage you need in being more confident in who you are, more in tune with those you love, and more lavish in how you forgive. Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit:

“Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank you that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesu. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

If you prayed this prayer, we would love to hear about it! We will e-mail you some information to help you grow, and respond personally to your questions.

We look forward to your comments.