At work and church, in our neighborhoods and during our daily activities we all encounter people of the opposite sex who are attractive.  That’s not the problem.  Our selfish choices after the attraction create the problem. Adultery has a progression and most people (even Christians) take these steps before they slide down the slippery slope.

I know, because I chose this path when I left my husband for a coworker named Jake. I know the lies I told myself, the selfish decisions that broke my husband’s heart and the sins I committed.  I also know the healing and restoration that took place when I confessed, broke off the affair, and found forgiveness from my husband and God.  Although I have healed, there are scars that remain, even 25 years later, so I pray you will learn from my mistakes as you consider these progressive elements of adultery.

1. An Unguarded Mind

This is the “What if…” stage where your thoughts begin to grow unchecked.  You find yourself asking questions like, “I wonder if he thinks I’m attractive? “, or thinking,  ”I hope she sits near me during the meeting”.

Perhaps you try to manipulate your schedule or activities to create more opportunities for contact. Nothing inappropriate has happened yet, but you think about the possibilities. If you allow this to continue, your emotions will grow, the fantasies will take root, and you’ll think about the other person in romantic or sexual situations.

Solution: If an inappropriate thought pops into your head, do NOT allow it to linger. Quickly remove yourself from any tempting situations. Follow the advice in Proverbs 7: 25  “Don’t let your desires get out of hand: don’t let yourself think about her”. Look up Philippians 4:8 and learn how God want us to think.

2. An Unguarded Heart

This is the stage where your emotions run wild and you begin to lie to yourself. (In my case, I told myself I deserve to be happy.)  You may start to build emotional bonds with the other person by creating excuses to spend time together.  You may try to increase the positive contact and do things to please him or her. Example: If he mentions that he likes red, you may be tempted to wear a red dress or if she talks about a favorite flower, you may want to bring her one.

Solution: Ask the Lord to help you get control of your emotions and to give you a clean heart which seeks after Him. Be deliberate in your walk with God. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”  (James 4: 8)

Consider the negative consequences if this flirtation continues: your spouse’s pain, loss of respect from children, friends, and relatives, and financial losses. You may need to confess your temptation to your spouse or a trusted friend who will hold you accountable because dark secrets have less power when you bring them into the light.

3. An Unguarded Mouth

This step includes verbal flirtations and taking the relationship beyond theory into reality. Perhaps you begin by offering or responding to personal compliments such as, “You are the perfect match for me”, or  “When I’m with you, the rest of my life fades away”.

Knowing that compliments are like magnets, you begin to form an attraction and create a verbal intimacy that includes whispers, code words, pet names, and intimate secrets.  This can also include flirtatious or sensual/sexual email conversations and instant messages

The next verbal step is to talk about the “What if…”.  For example, “If I weren’t married, you’d be my soul mate” , or “I wish I’d met you before I got married”.  Jake and I used to play this fantasy game, “If we could run away together, where would we go?”

Then the negative words about your current mate begin:

“My husband treats me like a maid and never compliments me.”

“My wife just treats me like a paycheck and I’m not attracted to her anymore.”

“My wife/husband and I are just roommates and if it weren’t for the kids, I’d have left years ago.”

Solution: Focus on the good things in your marriage and try to compliment your mate at least once a day.  Be aware that any emails or IMs you send are not really private. If you would be ashamed to have your pastor or mother read it, don’t type it.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Eph 4:29)  Concentrate on building up your marriage with your words instead.

4. An Unguarded Body

This is the step where emotional adultery becomes physical.  Some people think that only intercourse defines adultery, but I strongly disagree.  If you have intimate, sensual contact with someone other than your spouse, it is a breach of your marriage vows. Ask yourself, “If my actions were photographed, would they condemn me?”

I know how exciting the forbidden kiss is and how electrifying the stolen, passionate caress is but I also know how costly they are because I almost lost everything including my marriage.  I walked away from my relationship with Christ as I chose to follow my selfish heart into sin.  But I, like the prodigal son, came to my senses as I ran back to the Lord and He welcomed me home. Then I begged my husband’s forgiveness, broke off all contact with Jake, and rebuilt my marriage. Ron and I now help couples see that no marriage is beyond God’s ability to heal.

Solution: If you’ve already crossed the line, stop all contact with the other person, confess your sin, ask for God’s forgiveness, and follow the instruction in Romans 12:1 to “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice to God”. Then read and comply with 2 Corinthians 7:1 which says, “Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God”.

Bring it God

Oh Lord, purify my mind, my heart, my mouth, and my body, I want to be a clean vessel, always ready for Your use and available to serve Your purposes. Deliver me from evil as I flee temptation and run to the shelter of Your outstretched arms. I want to be holy and set apart for You Lord.  Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me, by Your Spirit, to stand strong and bring honor to You and my family. Through the power of Jesus’ name, I ask these things, Amen.

For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.

At work, in our neighborhoods and during our daily activities we all encounter people of the opposite sex who are attractive.  That’s not the problem.  Our selfish choices after the attraction create the problem. Adultery has a progression and most people (even Christians) take these steps before they slide down the slippery slope.

I know, because I chose this path when I left my husband for a coworker named Jake. I know the lies I told myself, the selfish decisions that broke my husband’s heart and the sins I committed.  I also know the healing and restoration that took place when I confessed, broke off the affair, and found forgiveness from my husband and God.  Although I have healed, there are scars that remain, even 25 years later, so I pray you will learn from my mistakes as you consider these progressive elements of adultery.

1. An Unguarded Mind

This is the “What if…” stage where your thoughts begin to grow unchecked.  You find yourself asking questions like, “I wonder if he thinks I’m attractive? “, or thinking,  ”I hope she sits near me during the meeting”.

Perhaps you try to manipulate your schedule or activities to create more opportunities for contact. Nothing inappropriate has happened yet, but you think about the possibilities. If you allow this to continue, your emotions will grow, the fantasies will take root, and you’ll think about the other person in romantic or sexual situations.

Solution: If an inappropriate thought pops into your head, do NOT allow it to linger. Quickly remove yourself from any tempting situations. Don’t let your desires get out of hand. Refresh in your mind the things you enjoy about your spouse and your home life and determine not to take a sledgehammer to your marriage commitment. Ask for higher help.

2. An Unguarded Heart

This is the stage where your emotions run wild and you begin to lie to yourself. (In my case, I told myself I deserve to be happy.)  You may start to build emotional bonds with the other person by creating excuses to spend time together.  You may try to increase the positive contact and do things to please him or her. Example: If he mentions that he likes red, you may be tempted to wear a red dress or if she talks about a favorite flower, you may want to bring her one.

Solution: Seek help in getting control of your emotions. Consider the negative consequences if this flirtation continues: your spouse’s pain, loss of respect from children, friends, and relatives, and financial losses. You may need to confess your temptation to your spouse or a trusted friend who will hold you accountable because dark secrets have less power when you bring them into the light. Find a friend, counselor or a pastor who can help you seek God’s help. God planned marriage and He can help you restore yours.

Discuss this article on the blog How often do you think about your marriage?

3. An Unguarded Mouth

This step includes verbal flirtations and taking the relationship beyond theory into reality. Perhaps you begin by offering or responding to personal compliments such as, “You are the perfect match for me”, or  “When I’m with you, the rest of my life fades away”.

Knowing that compliments are like magnets, you begin to form an attraction and create a verbal intimacy that includes whispers, code words, pet names, and intimate secrets.  This can also include flirtatious or sensual/sexual email conversations and instant messages

The next verbal step is to talk about the “What if…”.  For example, “If I weren’t married, you’d be my soul mate” , or “I wish I’d met you before I got married”.  Jake and I used to play this fantasy game, “If we could run away together, where would we go?”

Then the negative words about your current mate begin:

“My husband treats me like a maid and never compliments me.”

“My wife just treats me like a paycheck and I’m not attracted to her anymore.”

“My wife/husband and I are just roommates and if it weren’t for the kids, I’d have left years ago.”

Solution: Focus on the good things in your marriage and try to compliment your mate at least once a day.  Be aware that any emails or IMs you send are not really private. If you would be ashamed to have your pastor or mother read it, don’t type it.  Concentrate on building up your marriage with your words instead.

Connect with your spouse through meaningful and encouraging conversation. Turn from the behavior that will destroy your home.

4. An Unguarded Body

This is the step where emotional adultery becomes physical.  Some people think that only intercourse defines adultery, but I strongly disagree.  If you have intimate, sensual contact with someone other than your spouse, it is a breach of your marriage vows. Ask yourself, “If my actions were photographed, would they condemn me?”.

I know how exciting the forbidden kiss is and how electrifying the stolen, passionate caress is but I also know how costly they are because I almost lost everything including my marriage.  I walked away from my relationship with Christ as I chose to follow my selfish heart into sin.  But I, like the prodigal son, came to my senses as I ran back to the Lord and He welcomed me home. Then I begged my husband’s forgiveness, broke off all contact with Jake, and rebuilt my marriage. Ron and I now help couples see that no marriage is beyond God’s ability to heal.

Solution: If you’ve already crossed the line, stop all contact with the other person, confess your actions as wrong behavior and ask for God’s forgiveness.

Determine to build into your marriage and into your spouse. Make a choice to turn your heart toward home.

Are you ready?

You can pray now to ask Jesus to come into your life.

God, I need your help to cleanse my mind, my heart, my mouth, and my body, I want my marriage and I need your help to keep it. Please forgive my selfish behavior and come into my life and into my marriage and help me to build it fresh with your help.

For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome:How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.

I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought,  ”Who is this woman?” My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.

“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”, I asked.

“I’m unhappy and lonely and miserable actually.” There, it was out. “You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us we’ll get closer”.

I touched her arm, but she pulled away as I said, “It doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?”

“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here.  I need some time to sort things out, a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you or that I ever did”.

I stood frozen, as I begged,  “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.

A hidden affair

I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often. I knew that my need to be right often made her wrong.

I knew that, lately, she had been distant. But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.

During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say,  ”I gotta go”, and hang up.

I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine … happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.

Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”

“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”

She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work.  But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”

Rebuilding our marriage

The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time.  I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.

When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell,. That was as much as we could have hoped for.

The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple.  Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.

Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.

When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync–together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.

Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.

A new personal mission

Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.  For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife”.  It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.

I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair.  I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building.  I took the advice I read in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 which reminded me to think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.

I made it my personal mission to try to understand my wife.

I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy.  I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.

I learned that if my wife says, “You’re’ tailgating and it’s scaring me”, I should stop tailgating.  If I love her, why would I want to frighten her? The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued.  We used to have brush fire arguments  - they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we worked to extinguish the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.

Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back.  She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.

25 years later

I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.

Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband.  She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home.  Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.

We choose to take the value system God has for marriage and though our emotions may change, God’s standard doesn’t change and He is there to help us.

Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.

We are amazed at how far we’ve come – we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 22-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.

We had a broken home – but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored–stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage but God redeemed what was lost and restored our marriage!

For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome:How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.

I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought,  ”Who is this woman?” My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.

“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”, I asked.

“I’m unhappy and lonely and miserable actually.” There, it was out. “You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us we’ll get closer”.

I touched her arm, but she pulled away as I said, “It doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?”

“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here. I need some time to sort things out, a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you or that I ever did”.

I stood frozen, as I begged,  ”Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.

A hidden affair

I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often. I knew that my need to be right often made her wrong.

I knew that, lately, she had been distant. But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.

During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say,  ”I gotta go”, and hang up.

I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine … happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.

Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”

“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”

She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work.  But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”

Rebuilding our marriage

The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time.  I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.

When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell. That was as much as we could have hoped for.

The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple.  Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.

Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.

When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying.

It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync – together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.

Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.

A new personal mission

Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.  For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife”.  It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.

I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair.  I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building.  I took the advice I read in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 which reminded me to think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.

I made it my personal mission to try to understand my wife.

I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy.  I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.

I learned that if my wife says, “You’re’ tailgating and it’s scaring me, I should stop tailgating.  If I love her, why would I want to frighten her? The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have brush fire arguments  - they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we worked to extinguish the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.

Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back.  She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.

25 years later

I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.

Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband.  She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home.  Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.

We had to learn that the Word of God is our value system and though our emotions may change, God’s Word doesn’t change. The truth is the truth.

Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.

We are amazed at how far we’ve come – we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 22-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.

We had a broken home – but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored – stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage but God redeemed what was lost and restored our marriage!

For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.