A family member molested me when I was between the ages of 10 and 14. I have gone through counselling but I am realizing that I have not totally dealt with this. I am married, but now I have little interest in making love-I am reminded of those ugly times. Who would you suggest I talk to or what book would you suggest I read?

The most frequently recommended book now is The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. You will want to get it. There are several books out now that help spouses deal with being in a marriage with an abuse victim. One is When Victims Marry by Jan Franks and her husband and The Haunted Marriage. I also recommend Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud, because when a person is abused, they frequently don’t process their developmental issues well and this book helps go back and get some of the stuff you need. Let me know after you take a look at those books about further questions you might have.

~Dr. Ginger Gabriel, Ph.D., M.F.T., is an author and speaker as well as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. With Master of Arts degrees in counseling and missions and a Ph.D. in psychology, she has traveled to Asia, the Middle East and throughout North American giving her four-to fifteen-hour relationship and counseling skill-building seminars.

Her favorite pastimes are kayaking, quilting, hiking and reading novels. She is married to Dr. Stan Gabriel. They have three children and three grandchildren.

Many women feel pressure to justify why they haven’t gone back to work, conceding that they are “just a mother” and are left wondering if they are making a big enough contribution. Even as Christians we tend to look at real jobs as being only those performed outside the home.

Sue Bohlin, an associate speaker with Probe Ministries, once answered a question she received regarding her author bio, where she mentions that being a wife and mother is her most important role.

The curious reader wrote:

Sue,

Does it not bother you that your various and vast achievements in both academic and spiritual realms are completely overshadowed by your domestication and motherhood…

Sue responded:

…I have been blessed to be able to live a rich and varied life, but all of my “achievements” pale markedly compared to the sweetness of my most important relationships with my husband and sons. For example, my work as a speaker and writer and webservant for Probe Ministries, as wonderful as that is, can’t begin to hold a candle to the joy of loving and influencing the men God has given me to love and influence. I believe that God means for women to be most deeply fulfilled by our relationships, because He made us so relational. My “mark” on the world, I assure you, is far greater in my various relationships compared to the lectures I’ve given or the website I built. You might not ever be able to see the difference I make as Ray’s wife or Curt and Kevin’s mom, but believe me, as they all make their marks on the world, I can see it…

This is just a portion of what Sue wrote in response to the question. Read the rest on Probe.org as well as her article 5 Lies the Church Tells Women.

What do you think of Sue’s response? Do you agree or disagree?

Long or short, change or no change, expensive or even more expensive, an important point to make is that voter turnout dropped to a record low this year, according to CBC.

The turnout figure of 59.1% was slightly below the previous lowest turnout figure of 60.9%. That happened when Paul Martin’s Liberals won a minority government in 2004.

The highest voter turnout in Canadian electoral history occurred in 1958, when 79.4% of registered voters took part in the election that saw John Diefenbaker return to power with a majority government. (cbc.ca)

In the coming days many will take a guess at why voter turnout is so low in a country where voting in an election doesn’t require voters to take their lives into their own hands. While Afghan women in burkas risk possible death to take part in an election, Canadians are passing on their privilege. Perhaps we don’t feel our vote will make a difference, or perhaps like many other liberties, freedoms and privileges we take choosing our leaders for granted.

Maybe life is so good north of the our neighbor with the financial crisis and home forclosures that we’ve decided it will stay this was on autopilot.

Why do you think voter turnout is so low in Canada (and the United States)? Do you think it would be higher if we knew what it was like to lose this right? Do you think that could happen in this generation?

Image credit to Stephania Zamparelli

NOTE: The video player may display a broken image. Click on it anyway and the video will start.  We are working on fixing this.

Walking through a time of loss? Share with us so we can walk with you. A mentor will reply to you privately via email.

A couple of the points SimpleMom gives include taking an inventory of what you have, hunting the sales well before the holidays and embracing a simple look. Last year after Christmas I bought several items at Superstore, Ikea and other locations that went straight into my two green tubs of holiday decorations. Not only did I get an incredible price but I also avoid getting sucked into whatever trends they roll out at full price this year. Getting out the brand new decorations is like unwrapping early Christmas presents.

I agree with SimpleMom, the stores design their displays to entice you to buy what you don’t need and make you believe that it will look at good in your own house. But it never does because you don’t have a room full of the other 150 matching items you would need to complete the look. Often, once you get home you regret your impulse buy and the random mix of decorations you’ve accumulated.

When it comes to decorating on a budget, I suggest the following.  Some of this is related to SimpleMom’s thoughts and some of my own:

1. Decide on a look or style and stick with it (yes, year after year unless you are independently wealthy). If you have a consistent color scheme you’ll be less likely to buy impulse junk you’ll throw away.  With one look throughout the home it also takes less money and effort to create a cohesive decor.

I love the woodsy/winter cabin look and very little green – mostly reds, browns, creams, tans and golds. So I resist the temptation to buy one-offs and instead go for items like pine cones, a felt tree skirt with trees on it and knit stripped stockings in red, brown and cream. Just because Ikea tried to say black and orange makes nice Christmas decoration in 2008 doesn’t mean all the people who bought them don’t seriously regret their decision now.  (Unless their decorations have always been those colors in which case they were actually following the rules).

2. If you like to create homemade decorations, don’t overwhelm yourself, choose one per year. Craft supplies are pricey and add up if you’re trying to create five things you saw on marthastewart.com.

Decide on a craft that’s doable (and of course matching the theme you’re building) and you won’t end up opening that box of decorations the next year and wondering why you spray painted the nativity gold or spent a fortune on supplies for handmade Disney princess ornaments.

In keeping with my woodsy theme, last year I made homemade bird ornaments out of cinnamon, craft glue and an assortment of glitter and beads in red, brown and metallic.  They will look beautiful for years and because theey fit my theme I am not limited to putting them on the tree.  I can tuck a bird into a little corner anywhere in the house and it looks right at home.

3. If you don’t have much money to spend and you want to keep things simple but put together, group items together in vignettes. I actually have very few Christmas decorations (only two Rubbermaid tubs full including towels, napkins and candles) but I avoid making it look sparse by not spreading them out around the house.

Over the years, yes, I hope to collect and make enough to make each room equally festive, but for now, I focus on two locations: the fireplace and the dining room table. I have towels in the kitchen and pine cones and candles in the guest bathroom but be choosy.  A lone decoration can easily look cheap, be wrong in scale or simply ineffective in creating atmosphere.

4. Consider incorporating a family tradition into your decorations. Infusing meaning into the decor not only allows your family to be involved  but it also gives purpose to your purchases.

My husband and I liked my parents’ tradition of purchasing an ornament each year to commemorate something unique about the year, like a vacation or a city we lived in or a child being born. Their tree is covered with ornaments from all over the world and has been a conversation piece my whole life.

We started this tradition in our first year of marriage and our unique collection includes an ornament received as a wedding present, one from Asia, one from Paris and one from the (Red) campaign. The collection is becoming a conversation piece and holds memories for us both. Along with the childhood ornaments we brought into the marriage, I know the biggest part of our Christmas decorating will be the most special.

What ideas do you have to making Christmas decorating more enjoyable, stress-free and budget-friendly?

*Image by Sarah Hau

More for the Holidays
12 Days of a romantic Christmas
Finding some peace on earth
Christmas cream cookies

Who is Jesus?: Take a Life Lesson
Silent Night: Find peace on earth

Are you battling suicidal thoughts?: Talk to a mentor
Do you feel alone in the darkness?: Check out our resources

How do you spend your time? Live a life of purpose
Why are you significant?: Take a Life Lesson