One of my fondest childhood memories

Every day we would open one of the cardboard doors and behind each one we’d find a tiny chocolate. Every one of the chocolates was uniquely molded in a Christmas related shape. It was a fun diversion for us as kids as we impatiently awaited the arrival of Christmas day. But it doesn’t tell us much about the actual season of Advent. What is Advent?

The season of Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas, somewhere between November 27 and December 3, depending on the year.  Advent is the period leading up to Christmas, which celebrates the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ. It is unknown when this tradition first began, but this period of waiting is often seen in the Christian tradition as a reminder that the world remains waiting for Jesus’ return.

The traditional color of Advent is purple, the color often associated with royalty, although today blue and red are also used. Modern day celebrations of Advent include  Advent calendars, Advent wreaths, lighting special Advent candles, and a series of themed Sunday messages leading up to Christmas day.

Take the next step:

Was Jesus born on December 25th?
Take a lesson: Discovering Advent
Home Alone for the Holidays – When the most joyous time of year … isn’t.

Do you or your family have Advent traditions? Share them with us in the comments!

Image credit: tollens, used with permission, Creative Commons 2.0 License.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

The In Flanders Fields poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae on May 3 1915. He wrote it after witnessing the death of his friend on the battlefield the day before. It is a solemn reminder of the atrocities of war and an admonishment to steadfastly remain vigilant even when faced with terrifying adversity.

On this day we honor those who bravely fought for freedom and justice, and many of whom bravely gave their lives for the noble cause. It goes by different names in different places, including Remembrance Day, Veteran’s Day, Poppy Day, and Armistice Day, but the sentiment is the same: Not to glorify the tragedy of war, but to commemorate the valor of those who fought to defend their country.

Brigadier General (ret.) Robinson Risner, a veteran pilot who fought in World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, is one of those brave military soldiers who we should remember today. Despite being shot down twice over enemy territory, and being captured and tortured, each time it happened he wasted no time taking to the skies again, ready to serve his country. Read his story: Enduring Torture in a POW Camp

Please feel free to share your own stories of remembrance or commemoration in the comments below. If you feel the need to speak with someone in private, our online mentors are always available to listen.

Are you in the middle of a moving your family

Until he was 6, we had never celebrated my son’s birthday in the same place twice.  From France we moved to Orlando, then British Columbia, and finally to northwest Washington where we live currently. Did I just say “currently”? It’s exhausting just reading through that list.

While there is something exciting about moving, it is always a lot of work.  Moving has forced me to forgo a lot of sentimentality as I purge, and I’ve found that it gets harder as I get older.  Our kids, their schooling and their activities helped us to integrate more easily into our small town.  Now our son has left for college and our daughter is more and more independent. After a certain age, most people have an extended family and an established circle of long-time friends. It is hard to break in.

Feeling rootless

We never imagined our life this way, but it somehow just happened.  I certainly didn’t grow up like this.  My parents married and after a short time away from home, they eventually settled in the southeastern town where they had grown up. They were born and died in that area, as were their parents before them.  My husband’s parents still live in the flat in Chicago where he spent most of his growing up years.

We have always been gypsies, far from any immediate or extended family, and sometimes we feel rootless. At the same time, I would say our lives are in many ways richer for all the people we have encountered, and all the experiences we have accumulated along the way. But there are definitely times when I think how nice it would be to have family close by.

While I always managed to bumble my way through many of these moves, just like in any new venture, good advice can go long way toward making this phase less traumatic.  Gina Roberts-Grey offers some great tips from her experience in helping families make that difficult transition go from trauma to adventure.

• Kids need information too. As much as you can show them where they will go to school, where they will play soccer. Help them to imagine what it will be like.
• Host a party.  Invite the neighborhood kids over to your place to make it easier for kids to meet everyone.
• Explore together.  When you get to your new home, go on an adventure to discover your new favorite places together.

You can read the rest of her article, “The Secrets to Successful Relocating” for more great moving tips.

Moving is always a hassle, but if you’re able to see the possibilities it can be an adventure too.   If you are in the midst of a move and need someone to talk to, our mentors are always available.

Take the next step:

How to have a kid-friendly move
Get to know the neighborhood by volunteering
Has the move stressed you out? Can we pray for you today? 

Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home.  One of them is moved to improve as a father.  His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads.  But it doesn’t end there.  Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?

This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled.  The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat.  You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears.  The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.

The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:

Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.

This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back.  Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you.  Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.

Courageous opens in select theatres September 30^th.

Resources available

Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women.  Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families.  You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources

Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:

Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous

Ever have those kind of fantasies? We all do. The problem comes when they don’t stop when you make your marriage vows begin.

I know many married women who would never dream of cheating on their husbands, but at the same time they have a “crush” on some big star–either a sports figure or a celebrity. They have pictures of that man all over their FB page. They have mugs of him. They make constant references to him.

Recently I received this email from a woman exasperated with her friends. She writes:

Can you please tell married women to stop falling all over themselves praising other men? I’m sick of seeing married women talk about how “hunky” some hockey star is, or how “hot” some star is, especially when their husbands are sitting right there.

We’ve told men that we women don’t like it when they talk about how hot other women are, but we turn around and do the same thing! It has to stop.

I completely agree. I think something has happened to our society in the name of “sexual liberation”. In the 1970s, when feminism really got revved up, one of the things that the movement tried to do was to end the idea that women and men were somehow different. And so they started praising women for acting all sex-crazed, just like men. And it became a sign of women’s empowerment to say that a guy was “hot”, or to openly talk to other women about how cute someone was. While men weren’t allowed to do it, women were encouraged to do so.

Women now internalized that, so that we think it’s fun and harmless to idolize hockey players or football players or actors. But it isn’t! Even if your husband says it doesn’t bother him, it’s still wrong. The only one you should have eyes for is your husband.

We women often hear messages against romance novels, because these will wreck your marriage. In addition, I ask married women to, please stop posting about famous men on Facebook.   And to stop buying jerseys of a particular player? And don’t tell your children that you like him, either! Instead, tell your children how much you love and adore their father.

You should be your husband’s biggest fan, not the fan of someone else. It isn’t harmless, even if you’re never going to meet the person in real life. It makes your mind go in the wrong direction, and it tells your husband and your kids that you’re not truly committed to loving only him.

Quite often making small changes in the long run make a BIG difference.

Let us know what you think.

This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.

Want more romance in your life? 

Romance for Dummies
Want Relationship Intimacy?

This fall my 18 year-old son, my first-born, my newly minted young adult, will be leaving home to start university.

After that there were vacations with his best friend’s family, 2-week ski trips with his French elementary school, excursions to Quebec with his French class, and to Mexico on mission trips, all without me along.  I always knew that my role was to “let go” and encourage him to try his wings so that when the day came for him to become independent, he would be ready.  For years I have been progressively working myself out of a job, or at least gradually changing my job description.

The universal questions

But am I ready?  The distant deadline somehow always approaches far too rapidly. All parents experience this, but does that make it any easier?  Joel Achenbach, in his touching blog post, Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time wrote, “It’s not true that kids grow up fast. What is true is that it seems fast if you’re paying too much attention to other stuff.”  After all the years of reminding our much younger daughter that we had years together ahead of us before Josh left for college, we now find ourselves hurtling toward the day.

I talk to other moms a little ahead of me on this journey, and I realize that I am the Universal Mother asking the Universal Questions.  Will he wake up in the morning and get to class?  Will he eat properly?  Will he so enjoy the taste of freedom that he will forget why he has gone to college?  Will he wash his sheets?  Will he think to call me occasionally, or will I be reduced to reading his Facebook posts to learn that he is off rock climbing?

Then there are the Important Questions.  Will he be safe, going from a small town where we don’t always lock the front door, to living in a big city?  Will he make wise choices about priorities, money, and friends? Will we still enjoy the complicity that now exists between us?   Will he continue to walk with God? Will the new ideas he will be exposed to shake his faith or help him to go deeper still?

I think back to my own departure at 18. Was my mom sad or worried? Probably, but I don’t remember. I was too excited about starting college, growing up, and the anticipation of new friends and new adventures to pay much attention.  And while Josh admitted recently that his excitement is also tinged with a little anxiety, I’m betting that it won’t be long before he is immersed in this new world.

I will miss him terribly, but would I really prefer that he only aspire to stay here, in the safety and security of our home?  The idea behind the movie Failure to Launch is comical, but not so entertaining for real-life parents whose adult son is still living in the basement playing video games. I don’t want him to be too fearful to step out by faith, on his own.  This is exactly the goal I had in mind as I raised him.  I say to myself, often, “This is good and right. This is how it should be.”  I can’t stop him from growing up, and I shouldn’t try either.  But I can prepare him for the day that we say good-bye.  This is ultimately not about me.  It is about him, his future, and his life. I need to let him live it.

Take the next step

Is your family changing?
Are you ready to let go?

Check out the book that Carol featured: Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time by Joel Achenbach

Sleek and chic, classy pieces with new daring combinations

A flashback to the 50s brings us sophisticated Hollywood elegance. Perfectly finished from head to toe, this look is about polished distinction. Look for dresses that go past the knee, skirt suits and three quarter sleeve coats. Bold accessorizes help achieve this elegant look.

Spring meets fall for the first time with dresses showing up in a mosaic of floral prints. The 60′s look returns with bold graphic prints. Hems are dropping… and dropping fast! Mid calf and floor length hemlines are a big departure from the ultra-minis seen last season. Side slits have made a come back in the winter dress. Add the sleeveless drop-waisted shift to your wardrobe this season.

90’s minimalism has made its way onto the runways. Tailoring builds the contours for this season’s fashion fair. Precision cut draping and structure defines jackets and trousers. Simplicity reigns with the return of the pencil skirts topped with a loose fitting blouse.

What’s hot when it comes to color and fabric?

Color abounds! Creamy coffee, camel, bright crimson, citrus and burnt orange along with the rich emerald jewel shades of jade and azure make their statement in the stores this season. These rich hues are found in coats, bags, belts, shoes and dresses.

Textures are mixed to add style and flare. Leather, faux fur, vinyls, feathers and brocades give a strong look. Velvet is everywhere in the fall collections. This luxurious and romantic fabric can elevate any look, taking your outfit easily from daytime to eveningwear.

Plaids in a tartan to a rustic weave are making their return. Check out the pleated schoolgirl skirt paired with a turtleneck. Stripes, checks, even polka dots are also a carry over from the 70’s.

Glamour abounds this holiday season. Sequins make a statement in a variety of colors and shapes. Oversize post it note sequins are iridescent fun and futuristic.

Trousers

Flare and wide leg bottoms with a high waist give an elegant look when worn with a loose satin blouse. Cropped or slim fit pants will still find room in your wardrobe this winter.

Accessorize

Layered necklaces add style to a simple neckline. Motif pins give flare to a classic outfit. Choker necklaces and cuff bracelets in gold, copper or silver add prominence and style to a dress in the back of your closet. Hollywood 50′s elegance dictates pearls, gloves and fur wraps.

Shoes are bold with choices from patent, suede and reptile skins such as python and croc. Colors are fun with the addition of fringes, bows or straps. Heels are tall with either a spike or a wedge.

The bag collections include a range from a patent clutch to reptile skins with chain handles. Have fun bringing life to a simple black dress with a crimson reptile bag and matching suede shoes!

Textured stockings are an easy way to add interest to a simple outfit.

This Season’s One Tip Wonder

Add a camel coat in a sleek classic silhouette to your outerwear this season. Camel is a chic and eye catching shade. Consider some faux fur trim to add warmth and interest. Every woman can wear this classic addition with great confidence!

Take the next step:

10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills
Train Yourself in the Art of Listening
Do you need to talk? 

I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this topic.  In a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. It is not a physical need for women the way it is for men. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time!  Because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!

So often we lie there in bed, with this conversation running through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.

If we put a stop to that conversation and decide to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow.  As would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough so that you both feel connected and close.

So rest up, get the chores done, and de-stress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much better your marriage will be!

I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography.   Then it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. If your marriage needs healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too.  Commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.

Recommended Resources for healing from past issues

Article:

Healing from Your Past by Barbara Wilson

Books:

Wounded Heart by: Dan Allander

Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. Psychologists tell us that there are five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Writing out our life map begins to move us beyond denial to truth. That can make us angry. And it should. When we’ve been used and abused, or have fallen victim to wrong choices in our life, we experience anger. But often we direct our anger inward, causing anxiety and depression, or outward to the wrong people. Broken people intentionally and unintentionally hurt other people. Processing our anger in a healthy way is asking God to show us who shares responsibility for all that’s happened to us and the choices we’ve made.

The goal of this exercise isn’t to make us angrier, but instead to allow God to show us that we alone are not to blame. And then to surrender our hurts and anger to Him. One way we do this is to write anger letters to everyone God reveals who shares blame for what’s happened in our past, including our own choices. We didn’t have sex alone. We didn’t perform our own abortion. Although God wants us to acknowledge our part in wrong choices, there are others who need to bear some of the responsibility.

The goal of this exercise is to surrender our anger to God. To honestly express how other’s choices have hurt us. I encourage people to use ‘I’ statements when they write their letters. For example: “I was hurt, angry, sad, etc., when you ___________. Rather than make it a list of behaviors, it’s important to acknowledge how others’ choices hurt us and how that makes us feel.

But one word of caution. These letters are between us and God and not meant to be given out. The goal is not revenge or retribution, but healing and restoration. In some cases if God leads, we may give our letter to the intended person. But only after prayerful consideration.

Following anger, people often experience sadness or grief. This is normal. Anger is a huge emotion, and can be draining. When God removes our anger, the emptiness can leave us sad, resigned, empty. Don’t worry, this is normal. This is part of God breaking our hearts so that He can heal us. One caution for those who’ve struggled with depression, or are currently on medication for depression—please get medical advice if you feel that you’re slipping back under that deep, dark cloud. Or if the depression lasts longer than a few weeks. I know, I’ve been there. If so, you may need to get on medication, or increase an existing dose.

God uses the next step—forgiveness, to lift us out of our grief or sadness and move us towards acceptance. In addition to acknowledging where we need to ask for forgiveness from God for our part, we need to forgive others for theirs. I find it interesting that in the Lord’s Prayer, asking God to forgive us and forgiving others are related…as if one is contingent on the other…”and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt. 6:12). Miraculously, God uses this step of forgiving others to set us free from their hold on us. Forgiveness is the gateway to healing, and to the final step of grieving–acceptance.

Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.

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