Through the curtains my husband handed me a towel.  As I wrapped the fresh white towel around my shivering shoulders, deep warmth wrapped itself all around my thawing frame.  My husband had warmed the towel in the dryer!  I cannot describe how magical it felt.

The warmth of the towel seeped into my skin as my husband’s thoughtfulness saturated my soul.  I felt loved.  What a gift! It was a simple act of kindness that warmed my body and heart.

Now… before you start thinking that this kind of romance naturally occurs within the Born household, can I set the record straight?  This wasn’t my hubby’s own idea.  Nope.  He didn’t come up with this on his own. He got it from a book.  But… who cares? As I enshrouded my body with that warm towel, I didn’t give a hoot where the idea came from.  I was relishing in his implementation of the idea. That was the gift.

Have you got a Christmas gift for your spouse yet?  According to the guy on the radio, if you don’t have your gifts by now… it’s too late.  But I don’t believe him.  Come on, they’ve been playing Christmas music for months already.  The pressure tactics of consumerism are little over the top.

For Christmas this year, my husband and I are giving each other the gift of attending a marriage conference together.  Now, marriage conferences aren’t cheap, so we’ll be saving up for it. But I’m thinking it’ll be more like an investment. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the desire to learn new ways of saying “I love you” – whether the ideas come from a book, a marriage seminar or from your own creativity.  No matter what stage a marriage is at (and we’ve been through ebbs and flows of our own) there is always hope for a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

So with the warm towel in mind, think about giving a gift that will change your relationship.  Find out new ways to say I love you.  Pick up a marriage book.  Plan to attend a marriage seminar.  Go for coffee with a friend and share some ideas.  Choosing to learn new ways to love your spouse is a life-changing gift. Now that’s a real gift.

Take the next step:

Find a marriage conference near you: US schedule Canadian schedule
Do you have questions about marriage? Come talk to a mentor

Originally posted on dorisdoumaborn.wordpress.com . Used with permission.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

The In Flanders Fields poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae on May 3 1915. He wrote it after witnessing the death of his friend on the battlefield the day before. It is a solemn reminder of the atrocities of war and an admonishment to steadfastly remain vigilant even when faced with terrifying adversity.

On this day we honor those who bravely fought for freedom and justice, and many of whom bravely gave their lives for the noble cause. It goes by different names in different places, including Remembrance Day, Veteran’s Day, Poppy Day, and Armistice Day, but the sentiment is the same: Not to glorify the tragedy of war, but to commemorate the valor of those who fought to defend their country.

Brigadier General (ret.) Robinson Risner, a veteran pilot who fought in World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, is one of those brave military soldiers who we should remember today. Despite being shot down twice over enemy territory, and being captured and tortured, each time it happened he wasted no time taking to the skies again, ready to serve his country. Read his story: Enduring Torture in a POW Camp

Please feel free to share your own stories of remembrance or commemoration in the comments below. If you feel the need to speak with someone in private, our online mentors are always available to listen.

Many of us have hit ruts in our marriage.

Don’t let your marriage hit a rut! There is a way out, and it’s actually relatively simple. It just takes a mental shift.  Often when we are upset in our marriages it is because we focus on the marriage’s areas of weakness. We don’t communicate well. He doesn’t do enough of the housework. He leaves all the childcare to me. All he thinks about is sex. Etc. Etc.

Yet the marriages that tend to last tend to be the ones where people focus on their strengths. So let’s say that you’re in a marriage where you really don’t seem to communicate well. It’s hard to raise something that’s an issue to you. He never shares his feelings. You now have two choices: you can pound away at the communication issue, trying to get him to open up, and get frustrated in the process, or you can let it go for a while. If you pound away, he’s likely to get annoyed, and retreat, and you’re likely to get even more bitter.

Focus on your strengths

Another strategy is to ask, “what do we do well together?” Maybe he doesn’t open up well, but maybe he really enjoys doing active things together as a family. Maybe you talk a lot when you take drives in the country. Maybe he gets excited when you look at the stock market together and plan your financial savings strategy. Or maybe you need to think back a little further.

When’s the last time you really laughed together? Had fun together? Relaxed together? What were you doing? Maybe a few years ago you pulled out a puzzle, and realized he really liked doing puzzles, and you liked it, too, but you haven’t pulled one out since. Maybe you’re awesome at playing Monopoly together.

What are your strengths as a couple? Are you sporty together? Can you lead a great Bible study together? Are you good youth leaders at church? Are you both musical? Are you good at painting a room together or fixing up the house? Figure out what you can do together that makes you feel energized, and that touches your interests and/or gifts and then do more of it!

So often we squeeze out the stuff that we do well together because “more important” things come along. The kids have hockey. They have homework. I have to clean the house. But it is just as important to function well as a couple and to feel competent and capable together. In fact, perhaps it’s more important.

Make time to play together

When you have children, your marriage is now more important, not less, because other people are counting on you! If there was something you once enjoyed doing together, and you’ve cut it out of your life, bring it back–especially if you’re having problems. If you can spend some time in this area of strength, it can refocus your marriage. You start to look forward to being together again. It reinforces the reasons that you’re a good couple. As you do that, the areas of weakness tend to fade.

We stop noticing them and giving them so much importance. But perhaps more importantly, when we build our friendship and our identity as a couple, we tend to build a good foundation for the rest of the relationship. Work on companionship, and sex tends to improve. Work on fun, and communication tends to improve. Don’t push these things, of course; but you’ll likely find that you both are better able to function in all areas of your relationship when you start focusing on your strengths, instead of your weaknesses.

So today, whether your marriage is a good one or not, ask yourself: what do we do well together? Ski? Camp? Play games? Plan? Hike? Drive? And whatever it is, make a point of doing it together at least once a week. You just may find that your attitude, and his, takes a dramatic turn!

Take the next step:

Build up your marriage with a Weekend to Remember conference
Develop even better communication
Questions? Come talk to a mentor

“I knew I had to do something to get my son up off the streets.” Karen came to this decision after she spent years working the streets. She had turned to prostitution and drugs after growing up without the love of her parents. But she took big steps to break that cycle. How can you make positive changes in your life?

Take the next step:

Are you struggling with hurt from your past? Talk to a mentor today.
Has your low self-esteem driven you to make decisions you regret?
Are you feeling unloved? Start the conversation about God and love.

Freedom. What does the word mean to you? Many of us have never been incarcerated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are entirely at liberty to do and say what we want to. True freedom can seem impossible to attain. What will it take to set you free?

Take the next step:

Stephanie had the freedom she wanted but was it enough?
What is true freedom?
What’s holding you back from feeling truly free?
Are you struggling with obstacles to freedom in your life? Talk to a mentor.

Somewhere between the deadlines and the meetings and the to-do list, I’d forgotten the most important responsibility in my life — my family. It had also been weeks since my wife and I had a date together. I knew things needed to change — and fast. I needed to focus on my family and let them know they were just as important as my work.

We set out to meet our work goals and somehow in the midst of it all, we forget that waiting at home is that young boy wanting to play catch, that teenage girl who needs to talk about boys, or that spouse that needs to be treated with all the attention we used to give when we were dating. How do we lose focus and more importantly, how can we get it back? Keep reading >>

Balance work and family today:

Just Say…No! (Learning boundaries and balance)
Creating quality time with your kids
Take a lesson: Learn how to manage your time
Check out FamilyLife Canada for more tips

There was a video on CNN yesterday that stopped me in my tracks.

The children are all wearing the same dress and the same expression, only the color of their skin is different.  An interviewer asks the little girl “who is the smart child?” “who is the mean child?” Over and over the little girl assigns all of the positive characteristics to the white children and all of the negative characteristics to the darkest skinned child.

I sat and watched, saddened and a little heartbroken until the interviewer asked the girl “Why is she the good child” and the little girl says “Because I think she looks like me.”

That really got my attention.

I’ve always thought of racism as a great evil that is taught, that somehow, for some reason we teach children to hate.  But I found her answer very illuminating.  Don’t we, as adults, assume the best of the people are who are most like us? Could the roots of racism really be that simple?

Just because it’s a natural response certainly doesn’t mean it’s acceptable or good and it doesn’t excuse us from taking active steps to combat our own wrong thinking. Later on in the clip, the girl’s mother fights back tears as she whispers “I guess she just hasn’t been exposed.”   I wonder about my own childhood – were the children in my story books the same color as I am? Were the dolls I played with?

I know that part of what made Star Wars such a game changer is that Lucas intentionally played with this thinking.  In the movies the Jedis, the good guys, all wear dark colors while the Storm Troopers, the harbingers of evil, are clad in sparkling white.

It’s easy to watch this little girl and think “wow, that’s sad” but what do I see when I look at my own thinking? What do you see when you look at yours?

How do you combat the mistaken thought that “people who look like me are better”?

More:
Searching for a beautiful woman
Beauty at what price?

If your idea of the perfect holiday involves fresh air, gorgeous views and incredible food,

I know, I know, work doesn’t sound very restful, but if you have a job that keeps you inside, seated at a desk most of the year, you might be surprised how refreshing a little farm work can be.  One of the things that makes modern work so stressful is that it’s often hard to see the results of our efforts.  Projects can stay in flux for years with ongoing task lists that are never quite done.

Not so with farming.

If your task is to weed a row, you get instant results. A quick glance over your shoulder will show you just how far you’ve come.  No one will ever ask for a memo detailing your process or ask you for the most cost effective way to perform the task.  Even better, once the job is complete, it is complete.  There is no room for argument or opinion or rationale.  If all the weeds are gone your job is done and you can go and rest knowing that you have completed exactly what needed to get done today.

It’s starting to sound pretty good, isn’t it?

If you’re ready to try the good life for a few days a site like World Wide Opportunities in Organic Farming can hook you up with a small holding organic farm that is in need of volunteers.  Volunteers work on organic farms, often for 2 weeks and receive room and board and a unmatched experience in exchange.

If you’ve always wanted to see the vineyards of Tuscany or the wild beauty of Kenya, volunteering is an incredible opportunity to see the world up close.  Come and learn and see how much fun it can be to get your hands dirty!

Are you stressed? If you don’t have time for a vacation but could really use one, try our free life lesson Beating Stress.  You’ll be matched with a coach who will talk through your answers with you as you learn.

Have you tried volun-touring? We’d love to hear your stories.

CNN ran an interview this morning that caught my attention.

What an interesting question.  Would Hitchens be bothered by their prayers? Did he welcome them? I found his answer quite interesting.  Here is part of the interview:

COOPER: I know you know that there are people praying for you, there are prayer groups actually. . . What do you think about that, the fact that people are praying for you?

HITCHENS: There are people who are praying for me to suffer and die.  They have lavish websites. . . And then they are people, much more numerous I must say and nicer who are praying either that I get better or that I redeem myself.   That I make peace with the Almighty.

and later…

COOPER: So you don’t pray at all?

HITCHENS: No. All that is meaningless to me.

COOPER: So do you tell people not to do it for you?

HITCHENS: No I say if it makes you feel better you have my blessing.

Tolerance is not the same as caring

If the person receiving prayer does not believe in it, but the person praying does, who benefits from the prayer? Recently a friend and I were having a similar discussion.  A mutual friend of ours, I’ll call him Robert, was having a family crisis.  His father was very ill and the outlook was grim.  Robert is an atheist and my friend wondered, “is it wrong to pray for an atheist?”

Robert does not believe prayer has any value.  He has very strong negative feelings about all religion, so saying “I’ll pray for you” to him is not comforting. It’s more like a slap in the face.  So do I pray for Robert or not?

We live in an age where tolerance is king. There are some who would argue that Robert’s dislike of prayer should override my belief in it, that I should not push my religion on to him by praying for him.  But I don’t agree with that.  I don’t think that a crisis is the time to hit someone over the head with God, but at the same time, I cannot so casually walk away from prayer when a someone I care about is hurting.

I believe that prayer is real, has value and can help so for me to not pray for him in his hour of need would feel like holding back.  It would feel mean spirited as if I was saying, “I believe this could help you but I’m not going to let you have it.”  I did pray for Robert but I did not make a big production about saying “I prayed for you!”  I told him his family was in my thoughts, which is true.  They were also in my prayers.

I do believe that prayer can help.  Everyone benefits from prayer.  If you’d like to be prayed for, we’d be happy to do that.  Just let us know how we can pray for you.

How would you feel about someone praying for you? Would you be encouraged by it or bothered by it? Let us know in the comments.

If you want to plant a garden, cook what you grow, find a husband, be a better husband, get a baby to sleep, get along with a teenager, get that teenager into college, get a divorce or lose 20 pounds, you don’t have to go it alone. There’s a coach to help you find your way just about anywhere you’d like to go.

Dave Herz is the founder and president of Vive Inc., a company that coaches teenagers and their parents. He said he sees many families who turn to coaching because they feel isolated. He and the other coaches at Vive work to help families create a web of support and learn to reach out to one another.

“I think in our society, we’re striving and hungry for connections with individuals — a boss, a grandparent,” he said. “That is hard-wired in human beings.”

The author of the article makes a bold statement that has been empirically verified on my own life and perhaps yours too: “To some extent, whatever our age, we just can’t help ourselves.” For daily minor problems, to be sure, we have developed methods of coping. For larger or deeper issues though, trying to solve them ourselves out is like trying to dig our way out of quicksand … it just won’t work! We need someone with a rope to help us out. Getting help is nothing to be embarrassed about and can lead to amazing life changes.

But there are many barriers to finding a life coach. What about those who can’t afford life coaches? What if there are no life coaches in your area? What about people whose daily lives are just too busy or chaotic to add another item to their overloaded to-do list? There’s also the problem of embarrassment; some problems are difficult to talk about with others face-to-face.

Online life coaching (also called mentoring) can resolve all of these problems. It’s totally free, available anywhere via the Internet, done on your own time at your own pace, and can be completely anonymous and is always private & confidential. If you’re interested in trying online mentoring, you will be matched up with a mentor who is familiar with your concerns and talk privately via email.

If mentoring is something you’d be interested in trying out, click here to write to a mentor. There is no obligation to continue if you decide it’s not for you, and it can make a big difference in your life.