Drifting seems to be a norm for many relationships after the honeymoon phase ends.   Life gets busy, things pile up and it’s easy for other things to become a priority and take center stage.  If you have kids, even more so. Not to mention the daily stressors of life.  After a while the time and energy you once put into your relationship is diverted to other things.  A subtle drift sets in.  For many marriages this becomes the status quo. . . until one day you seem very far apart and don’t know what happened.

Crisis can become another factor in drifting apart.  Crisis can accelerate the divide much more intensely and quickly.  Crisis is what really impacted our family.

Several years ago some major health and financial issues hit our family.   It was the beginning of a very stressful time in our lives.  It felt like a giant wave had just picked us up and carried us to an unwanted, unexpected place and dumped us there.  We had no choice, no control and didn’t know when or how we would get back to familiar territory.   We faced many challenges including a major reversal in our roles.  I stepped back into the workforce after being a stay at home mom for fifteen years. My husband’s health limited him.  There was a lot of stress as my husband, our kids and I adjusted to the new norm.   I adopted a “do what needs to be done to get through” mindset.  My focus became very narrow.  I needed to protect.  I needed to provide.  I forged ahead.  This crisis really impacted our marriage.  Knowing that logically and living it in reality are two different things.

A year ago I realized the way we were functioning was not good for our marriage or our family -long term. Stress behavior needed to transition back to a “normal” mode of functioning.  My husband and I realized just how much of a toll it was taking on our marriage.  It was time to step back and take inventory.

The cost had been high.  Some of it was expected, given all that had happened, but we realized we didn’t want our marriage to stay where it was.   So now what?  How were we going to get to a better place relationally when it was clear our circumstances were never going back to the way they were?

We had to be intentional. 

Being intentional about marriage can take many forms.  For us, there were several steps to our process.  The first step was to take inventory.  We had to ask what this had cost us individually, our marriage, and our kids.  Then based on the inventory results we developed a plan.

The plan started with both of us working on self first.  We had to be intentional about what we each needed as individuals in order to be healthy before we focused on our marriage.  At that point working on self was the beginning point for working on our marriage. 

Next, we looked at communication.  Communication is a key part of every marriage.  It becomes even more important when you hit a crisis.  Our inventory surfaced some communication issues we needed to work on.  Top of the list was being honest and open while considering wise timing.  I had to learn to be more open about things I had been keeping to myself, but I needed to consider timing and not just dump when I felt I needed to.  Timing can be the difference between a discussion going well or becoming a disaster.  We also had to learn a balance between over communicating and under communicating.

The next step was identifying and being proactive about our different Love Languages.  We had given lip service to that concept but now we began to act on it.  We made a priority of understanding and being purposeful about each other’s love language. For example, my primary languages are Quality Time and Receiving Gifts.  It was amazing to both of us how even the littlest thing my husband did with that in mind made huge deposits into my emotional love tank.

We also recognized we needed to prioritize time to build our marriage.  This would mean different things at different times.  Going out on a date and leaving behind the difficulties of our circumstances was important.  We had to be intentional about not using our date time to talk about negative things; this was our “fun” time.  We needed to have fun together and enjoy each other.  But at other times we needed to discuss things we had been avoiding.  So we learned to set aside a specific time to talk about “that” issue and not put it off any longer.  In fact, we started having a regular time for these “business” discussions. We both knew when the conversation would be so we could prepare and know what to expect.  The range of issues were varied; sometimes finances, scheduling, health, parenting, or relational health for our marriage.  We still meet once a week to deal with the “business” side of marriage and we always leave the house.  We go get a coffee or go for a drive.  We’ve come to see that we need specific time for fun and time to talk through the bigger issues of our life and our marriage.  Both are really important.

In the midst of all the difficulty, the key to being intentional about our marriage was to reestablish our commitment.   Statistically, it’s in times of hardship that divorce rates sky rocket. But being intentional about commitment can be the driving force that moves you forward through the hardship.  When our wave swept over us, our commitment was a very key foundation.  Commitment is defined as:  devotion or dedication to a cause, person, or relationship.  Part of this devotion and dedication to our relationship was to look for positives in our marriage and in each other.  I made a list of the things I appreciate about my husband.  I mentally refer to the list at random times.  Especially when I’m frustrated!

The next step in our journey of intentionality was resources – books, workbooks, videos and articles -  many of them from FamilyLifecanada.com.  It is amazing how God provided resources for me when I needed them.  Sometimes it came in the form of a well-timed email or phone call.  Sometimes it was as simple as a text message from a friend that said “I care”.  Friends were our best resource.  We were not meant to walk through life alone.  Community brings care, as well as life experience and helpful insights.  A very important part of our plan was wise counsel and accountability with people we could be really honest with.

Today, a year later, I see much progress.  Sometimes it was hard to detect in the midst of the difficulty and sometimes it came in unexpected or even unwanted ways.  But it was there when I looked for it.  There’s more needed, but after 22 years of marriage I realize that will always be the case.  We are a work in progress.  Thankfully we are progressing; not just drifting unawares or dividing because of crisis.

Intentionality in a relationship is SO important.   And it’s especially important when your crisis “wave” hits.  But let me encourage you, there is a way through:  be intentional, make a plan and move forward.

For ideas about being intentional refer to the book The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick.  To learn more about the Love Languages read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource for healthy boundaries in marriage.  For those struggling with the unexpected wave hitting Plan B by Pete Wilson or Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb are good books.  Finally for those struggling through grief I found A Grace Disguised very helpful.

One of my fondest childhood memories

Every day we would open one of the cardboard doors and behind each one we’d find a tiny chocolate. Every one of the chocolates was uniquely molded in a Christmas related shape. It was a fun diversion for us as kids as we impatiently awaited the arrival of Christmas day. But it doesn’t tell us much about the actual season of Advent. What is Advent?

The season of Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas, somewhere between November 27 and December 3, depending on the year.  Advent is the period leading up to Christmas, which celebrates the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ. It is unknown when this tradition first began, but this period of waiting is often seen in the Christian tradition as a reminder that the world remains waiting for Jesus’ return.

The traditional color of Advent is purple, the color often associated with royalty, although today blue and red are also used. Modern day celebrations of Advent include  Advent calendars, Advent wreaths, lighting special Advent candles, and a series of themed Sunday messages leading up to Christmas day.

Take the next step:

Was Jesus born on December 25th?
Take a lesson: Discovering Advent
Home Alone for the Holidays – When the most joyous time of year … isn’t.

Do you or your family have Advent traditions? Share them with us in the comments!

Image credit: tollens, used with permission, Creative Commons 2.0 License.

Are you searching for love? Shannon Culpepper grew up without a father’s love and approval. It thrust her into a life of searching and yearning for true love. Are you tired of chasing someone who’s leaving you in the dark? Shannon finally found peace and a fulfilling joy. Are you looking for a joy that fulfils?

Take the next step:
Has love ever left you gutted?
How does God fit into your search for love?
Love can be dangerous. Why do we crave it?
Are you feeling unloved? Talk to a mentor.

Are you in the middle of a moving your family

Until he was 6, we had never celebrated my son’s birthday in the same place twice.  From France we moved to Orlando, then British Columbia, and finally to northwest Washington where we live currently. Did I just say “currently”? It’s exhausting just reading through that list.

While there is something exciting about moving, it is always a lot of work.  Moving has forced me to forgo a lot of sentimentality as I purge, and I’ve found that it gets harder as I get older.  Our kids, their schooling and their activities helped us to integrate more easily into our small town.  Now our son has left for college and our daughter is more and more independent. After a certain age, most people have an extended family and an established circle of long-time friends. It is hard to break in.

Feeling rootless

We never imagined our life this way, but it somehow just happened.  I certainly didn’t grow up like this.  My parents married and after a short time away from home, they eventually settled in the southeastern town where they had grown up. They were born and died in that area, as were their parents before them.  My husband’s parents still live in the flat in Chicago where he spent most of his growing up years.

We have always been gypsies, far from any immediate or extended family, and sometimes we feel rootless. At the same time, I would say our lives are in many ways richer for all the people we have encountered, and all the experiences we have accumulated along the way. But there are definitely times when I think how nice it would be to have family close by.

While I always managed to bumble my way through many of these moves, just like in any new venture, good advice can go long way toward making this phase less traumatic.  Gina Roberts-Grey offers some great tips from her experience in helping families make that difficult transition go from trauma to adventure.

• Kids need information too. As much as you can show them where they will go to school, where they will play soccer. Help them to imagine what it will be like.
• Host a party.  Invite the neighborhood kids over to your place to make it easier for kids to meet everyone.
• Explore together.  When you get to your new home, go on an adventure to discover your new favorite places together.

You can read the rest of her article, “The Secrets to Successful Relocating” for more great moving tips.

Moving is always a hassle, but if you’re able to see the possibilities it can be an adventure too.   If you are in the midst of a move and need someone to talk to, our mentors are always available.

Take the next step:

How to have a kid-friendly move
Get to know the neighborhood by volunteering
Has the move stressed you out? Can we pray for you today? 

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor. 

There are many reasons a woman may experience a diminished sex drive.  Men and women are very different sexually.  Women are emotionally driven while men are more physically driven.  The stage of life can be a factor or there could be a physical problem.  Fatigue is also a major issue for many women.  It could be that she does not feel that there is enough true intimacy in the marriage.  Emotional intimacy goes way beyond sex and needs to be in place for to engage.  Yes, women are complex, but you already knew that!

Men are very visual and physically based.  Men see what they want and are turned on.  They are also driven by an accumulation of sperm that needs to be released in a timely manner, if not released it continues to build in a physical need/urge for release.  Women do not have a physical counterpart for this drive. Women are attracted to a man based on how he treats her and the depth of her emotional relationship with him.  Does she feel safe, loved, cared for, wanted, beautiful, helped?  What is happening with emotional intimacy greatly affects sexual intimacy.  All of these things and more add to her desire.

Outside influences

Her lack of desire may not be about you at all.  Sex outside of marriage, whether due to one’s own choices or due to abuse, can be a big culprit for robbing desire in marriage. Oxytocin, a chemical released during orgasm will bond partners.  (Refer to the book Kiss Me Again Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, to learn more about oxytocin’s role in sexuality.)   Past sexual experiences, even positive ones, do have an effect on your current sexual relationship.

Don’t relate her lack of desire to the way you feel, because men and women are so VERY different on this topic.  Interpreting her lack of desire as rejection is painful and dangerous when it may not be about you but about her and where she is at right now.  It could be any number of things. If she experienced childhood abuse I recommend the book Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. For dealing with past relationships Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson is an excellent resource.  Once the past is cleared up you can both move forward together!

It may be about you after all:  the two of you

If there are emotional issues between the two of you this will diminish her drive.  She needs to feel free to express herself in all areas.  She needs to be free to be honest in her emotions, even if this upsets you.  You need to control your response to her anger so she does not feel punished or abused. This can lead to freer expression in the bedroom as well.  If she feels that she cannot be herself there is a break-down in true intimacy.  Intimacy is about so much more than sex.

Resentment can be another emotional stumbling block in the pursuit of a woman’s desire.  There could be any number of things she resents you for.  It could be an attitude or action, current or past.  If she resents you it needs to be resolved.  It could be something you are not aware of, she may not even realize resentment is the cause.  (A good counselor can be a gift in resolving these issues.)  Things that get shoved under the proverbial rug are a major source of resentment.

If you think this is the issue, the two of you can sit down and have a heart to heart discussion.  Ask her if there is anything now or in the past that she resents you for.   Give her time to think and process.  If nothing comes to mind right away give her opportunity to come back with an answer.  Give her the freedom to have a long list or a short list to share with you.  If the list is longer than you thought, be careful how you respond.  You do not want to diminish this intimate interaction by reacting harshly.  True intimacy includes honest interaction with both parties feeling safe to express themselves.

Be aware that if she has not felt free to express herself there may be a time period that the pendulum swings and it feels pretty one sided for a time.  You may need to bite your tongue and take what comes at you for a while as she works on becoming more honest with her emotions and expressions.  You need to provide an extra safe place while she learns to walk this new path.  Her first steps will be tentative.  Once this relating pattern becomes more normal the pendulum should land in the middle with back and forth interactions about how you both feel.

Marriage is not 50/50 contract, it is about meeting each others’ needs.  This involves one spouse making sacrifices at certain points in the journey.  That being said, one spouse should not make ALL the sacrifices, it goes back and forth over time.  Being able to express oneself is important in marriage and sexuality in order to achieve true intimacy.

What is true intimacy?

True intimacy is the ability to express who you are and be accepted at all levels.  Relationships get stuck at whatever intimacy level is forged when you start having sex.  Sexual intimacy masquerades as a substitute for emotional intimacy.  The right foundation is achieved when sexual intimacy is introduced after a couple is married AND has previously achieved the fifth level of emotional intimacy.

If sex is introduced at a lower level of emotional intimacy the relationship gets stuck in a lower level.  Intimacy can only progress as far as both people are able to.  For example if he can function at level five but she is stuck at level three the relationship will stay at the lower level, level three.  Lasting love needs the ability to overcome emotional stressors and the real pressures of life, such as anger, conflict, stress, fatigue, etc.   If your relationship is stuck at a premature intimacy level, it may show up in a wife’s lack of sex drive.  Here is a basic list of the emotional intimacy levels:

Level 1: Safe communication (meeting a stranger in the grocery store)

Level 2: Others’ opinions and beliefs (my boss said. . .)

Level 3: Personal opinions and beliefs (I think that …. )

Level 4: My feelings and experiences (this is what happened to me – joy, pain, sorrow)

Level 5: My needs, emotions and desires (this is my deepest self, my secrets)

If this sounds like it might be an issue for you, there is hope.  Going back and restoring the emotional intimacy can be done and will be very rewarding for both of you. To read a full article on the intimacy levels click here.  The book I recommend is Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson.

Boundaries can play a big part in her waning desire

One VERY common issue for married partners is the difference in libido.  Many couples do not agree on how often they should have sex.  In fact many men express, “I want to have sex as often as I can and she seems like she could care less.  What are we supposed to do?”  For some men they feel a personal sense of rejection if she does not want to have sex with him.  He may feel unloved and hurt by this perceived rejection.

A common response is to push more and become persistent to the point of demanding that your sexual desires be met; especially if you feel this is your “right” and “need”. She may feel backed into a corner and feel that she has no choice.  This is especially true for a Christian woman who has been told that her body belongs to her husband and she is the only means of fulfilling his desire/need.  Desire takes flight under these circumstances and makes a quick exit.  People who feel pushed into something don’t have opportunity to decide if they really want it for themselves.

The problem with this scenario is that in order to be free to really say yes fully, one needs to have the freedom to no.  The book Boundaries in Marriage, by Townsend and Cloud talks about this.  They call it The Law of Motivation and describe it like this:

The law of motivation states that we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.  No one can actually love another if she feels she doesn’t have a choice not to.  Giving your time, love, or vulnerability to your spouse requires that you make your own choice based on your values not out of fear.  HAVING to do anything is a sign that someone is afraid.  Fear works against love.  The “have to” destroys the “choose to”.

Putting this quote in context of feminine sexuality, means that her desire has a chance to grow and flourish when she feels that she has a choice and that her desire matters.  Does your wife have a choice?

Finally, are your own sexually deviant choices affecting her?

This could be a wide range of behaviors.  Men think in a compartment format.  For example, he might think, “Viewing pornography has nothing to do with my wife, it does not affect my marriage, and therefore it is ok.  What I do on my own time to relax is my business.  After all men are, visual, so it is fine.”  Wrong, wrong, and wrong!  It does affect your wife. (Here is a video) Stop it!  You may be able to view images and not compare her to them, (or maybe you cannot), but if she knows you have an issue with pornography (or sees you watching other women at the beach in front of her) she will compare herself to other women and guess who comes up short every time?!  She does.

This is especially true of published pictures, because those models are all edited and enhanced.  Real women, your wife included, hate this!  If a woman feels compared to others, it is very hurtful and damaging to her, her self-esteem, and therefore your marriage.  This feeling of inadequacy robs the intimacy from your marriage.

So if you are doing this or other deviant behaviors (there are many more than mentioned here) and wonder why she does not want to have sex, think about the scenario you are creating, from her perspective.  Do you want her talking about how wonderful other men are and then expect to feel good about sex together?  Do you want to wonder if she is thinking about someone else when the two of you are together?  Sex is designed for two people to enjoy each other, bringing in a third party is not acceptable, images included!   For more information on this topic see:  Erosive Influence of Porn Upon Husbands, www.sexaddict.com, Pornography and Addiction

Support her in her journey

Take the time and initiative to support her needs, even if you don’t understand them.  They may go against your needs and desires for a time, but the result is worth your sacrifice.  Depending on what the issue is, she may need to take a break from sex for a time, or be the only one to initiate sex for a time.  Realize that she has a need in this area and support her in the journey toward progress.  This may include working on emotional intimacy that includes more sensual experience than sexual.  For example, take time to cuddle naked and talk about sexual likes and dislikes, without the expectation that it to lead to sex.  Create a safe environment for her to grow and express herself without feeling pressured or pushed, one where her desire can grow and have expression when it comes.

Recognize that the process may involve pain, but pain does not always equate to “bad”.  Pain can indicate growth and be a very good thing.  Other times it indicates that there is a problem that needs to be cared for.  Be patient and supportive whatever the journey looks like in your marriage.

Note: This article deals with a wife’s lack of desire.  If your husband is the one who does not want sex, read Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex and join the conversation.

Take the next step:
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Watch their video: The Sex Starved Marriage.

Infidelity doesn’t have to be a marital deal breaker. Recovering from an affair can be a long and painful process, but it is possible. Michele Weiner Davis, a marriage counselor, has advice for couples whether you’re just starting out or have been going through this for awhile.  How will your marriage recover?

Take the next step: 

Has an affair left your heart feeling bruised?
How to survive your spouse’s affair
Is your marriage in trouble? Talk to a mentor.
Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs recovered from an affair and started fresh in their marriage.

It’s one thing to read all the stats about porn addiction

How do you deal with the struggle? It comes down to three things: triggers, pathways and choices you make. Triggers at the things that get your brain thinking about porn.  Pay attention to what happens just before you go looking for porn.  Are you bored? Tired?  Has there been a  lack of sex with your wife? (If this is the excuse to you for using porn check out what Dr. Doug Weiss says about it .

Next, look at the pathway you use to get the porn. How easy is it for you to get it? Boredom and tiredness are huge factors why men turn to porn so deal with pathways. Make it difficult to get to. Put internet filters on your computer. Do whatever it takes during the times you don’t feel the urge so that you protect yourself when you do. Go to www.xxxchurch.com for help.

Here is the crux of the whole deal: now that you have observed your triggers and pathways what choices do you make?  What will you do to change? Gary Thomas issues a challenge that made me wonder if husbands have the guts to take it on. Here is his challenge: when you are tempted by pornography do something to build your marriage by doing a service that honors your wife.

If you are thinking, “I can do that. No problem.” you’re fooling yourself.  In fact it is a struggle greater than men want to admit.  For me I have to admit I need strength that comes from outside of me.  I make a request from Jesus.  I need His power.  Does it work?  Oh yes, I dare you to try it.

Know your triggers and pathways. Deal with them or porn will slowly smother you and your relationships. If you are looking for some books check out: When Good Men are Tempted, Everyman’s Battle, Pure Eyes and Final Freedom.

Family Life offers hope for struggling marriages. Here is a resource for sexual issues. Watch this  related video:  Help I’m addicted to Porn.

Are you struggling with porn? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home.  One of them is moved to improve as a father.  His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads.  But it doesn’t end there.  Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?

This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled.  The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat.  You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears.  The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.

The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:

Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.

This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back.  Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you.  Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.

Courageous opens in select theatres September 30^th.

Resources available

Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women.  Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families.  You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources

Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:

Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous

Ever have those kind of fantasies? We all do. The problem comes when they don’t stop when you make your marriage vows begin.

I know many married women who would never dream of cheating on their husbands, but at the same time they have a “crush” on some big star–either a sports figure or a celebrity. They have pictures of that man all over their FB page. They have mugs of him. They make constant references to him.

Recently I received this email from a woman exasperated with her friends. She writes:

Can you please tell married women to stop falling all over themselves praising other men? I’m sick of seeing married women talk about how “hunky” some hockey star is, or how “hot” some star is, especially when their husbands are sitting right there.

We’ve told men that we women don’t like it when they talk about how hot other women are, but we turn around and do the same thing! It has to stop.

I completely agree. I think something has happened to our society in the name of “sexual liberation”. In the 1970s, when feminism really got revved up, one of the things that the movement tried to do was to end the idea that women and men were somehow different. And so they started praising women for acting all sex-crazed, just like men. And it became a sign of women’s empowerment to say that a guy was “hot”, or to openly talk to other women about how cute someone was. While men weren’t allowed to do it, women were encouraged to do so.

Women now internalized that, so that we think it’s fun and harmless to idolize hockey players or football players or actors. But it isn’t! Even if your husband says it doesn’t bother him, it’s still wrong. The only one you should have eyes for is your husband.

We women often hear messages against romance novels, because these will wreck your marriage. In addition, I ask married women to, please stop posting about famous men on Facebook.   And to stop buying jerseys of a particular player? And don’t tell your children that you like him, either! Instead, tell your children how much you love and adore their father.

You should be your husband’s biggest fan, not the fan of someone else. It isn’t harmless, even if you’re never going to meet the person in real life. It makes your mind go in the wrong direction, and it tells your husband and your kids that you’re not truly committed to loving only him.

Quite often making small changes in the long run make a BIG difference.

Let us know what you think.

This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.

Want more romance in your life? 

Romance for Dummies
Want Relationship Intimacy?

Somewhere between the deadlines and the meetings and the to-do list, I’d forgotten the most important responsibility in my life — my family. It had also been weeks since my wife and I had a date together. I knew things needed to change — and fast. I needed to focus on my family and let them know they were just as important as my work.

We set out to meet our work goals and somehow in the midst of it all, we forget that waiting at home is that young boy wanting to play catch, that teenage girl who needs to talk about boys, or that spouse that needs to be treated with all the attention we used to give when we were dating. How do we lose focus and more importantly, how can we get it back? Keep reading >>

Balance work and family today:

Just Say…No! (Learning boundaries and balance)
Creating quality time with your kids
Take a lesson: Learn how to manage your time
Check out FamilyLife Canada for more tips