Heartbreak and loss, loneliness and disappointment stand out in sharp contrast to the sparkly excitement of Christmas. An article I was reading earlier quoted Kate O’Dwyer Randall, a Chaplin, who said,

“Holidays in our culture are often about families, and families are not always happy institutions.  I think that particularly if you’re facing a death or a divorce, the ‘empty chair syndrome’ becomes very real at this time of year.”

The article went on to say that many churches now have “Longest Night” or “Blue Christmas” services.  These services offer a more subdued atmosphere to welcome those who want to acknowledge Christmas, but can’t face the ebullient joy of a well intentioned “Joy to the World!”

Christmas gets all glammed up, but at the heart of it all, it celebrates a very quiet moment.   Christmas began with a little baby in a stable.  It started with two parents who were tired from a long journey and caught off guard that the baby would choose this particular moment to be born.  It wasn’t glamorous, and it wasn’t shiny but it did mark the moment that hope came to the world.  (If you’re rusty on the details, you can read the Christmas story from the book of Luke.)

As I was reading about the Longest Night services, I found this poem by Ann Weems from her book Kneeling in Bethlehem.  Her poem sums it up perfectly:

The Christmas Spirit
Is that hope
Which tenaciously clings
To the hearts of the faithful
And announces
In the face
Of any Herod the world can produce
And all the inn doors slammed in our faces
And all the dark nights of our souls
That with God
All things are possible,
That even now
Unto us
A child is born!
~ Ann Weems

If you would like someone to talk to, we are here waiting to talk and listen. May you continue to cling tenaciously to the hope that we celebrate, even now.

Take the next step:

Read the Christmas story from the book of Luke
How to celebrate when you’re not together
Home alone for the holidays 

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

The In Flanders Fields poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae on May 3 1915. He wrote it after witnessing the death of his friend on the battlefield the day before. It is a solemn reminder of the atrocities of war and an admonishment to steadfastly remain vigilant even when faced with terrifying adversity.

On this day we honor those who bravely fought for freedom and justice, and many of whom bravely gave their lives for the noble cause. It goes by different names in different places, including Remembrance Day, Veteran’s Day, Poppy Day, and Armistice Day, but the sentiment is the same: Not to glorify the tragedy of war, but to commemorate the valor of those who fought to defend their country.

Brigadier General (ret.) Robinson Risner, a veteran pilot who fought in World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, is one of those brave military soldiers who we should remember today. Despite being shot down twice over enemy territory, and being captured and tortured, each time it happened he wasted no time taking to the skies again, ready to serve his country. Read his story: Enduring Torture in a POW Camp

Please feel free to share your own stories of remembrance or commemoration in the comments below. If you feel the need to speak with someone in private, our online mentors are always available to listen.

What one gift that everyone wants?

My goal for this month is to learn more about my husband. My relationship with my husband is an important one. I’m constantly reminding myself of that and the importance of working on our friendship. It can be easy to just let our relationship happen. We live together, and I see him every day. Somehow our relationship work itself out because we must be getting closer if we see each all the time, right? Wrong.

Emotional intimacy doesn’t happen on its own

I see my coworkers a lot during the week, but many of those relationships stay at the co-worker/acquaintance level. I have to be intentional about growing and expanding those relationships if I want to have a deeper friendship. In my marriage, I have to intentional about spending time developing my friendship with my husband.  Emotional intimacy doesn’t just happen on its own.

It’s important to grow in your knowledge of your spouse. Believe it or not, there are still things you might not know about each other. There are things waiting to be discovered. You took the step to marry your spouse because you knew they were worth your time. So, show them you still see their worth by taking time to work on your relationship. In today’s busy culture, time is a big deal.

Remembering the good times

One of the things I do to get to know my husband better is to reminisce. I often have a bad memory, and I know I won’t remember fun times forever.  New memories are constantly replacing the old. It’s important to take time to remember all of the good things that have happened to you as a couple.

We sat down at our kitchen table and recorded, in a journal, all the good memories from the past year. It was nice to remember the fun times together. This was a good reminder that life can have more good in it than bad. Then, we talked through some questions:

• What did each of us enjoy doing the most?
• What do we want to continue doing?
• What do we want to add?

I wrote everything down so I can look back later and remember, for other couples just talking through memories is enough.  Time invested in your relationship is always time well spent. How will you work on a friendship with your spouse? What will you do to get to know your spouse more?

What to rekindle the romance? Read this article and learn how!

We’ve all asked “why?” at some point or another.  Chris Keith has been asking why for most of his life.

He was 12 years old when his grandparents decided he was old enough to know the truth.  His whole family – his parents and his older brother Mikey – did not die in a car accident as he has been told.  The were the victims of a murder-suicide at the hands of Chris’ Dad.   Chris learned that his father had shot him point blank in the head as well, that paramedics had declared him dead as well until somehow he moved a little and they realized he was still alive.

Chris is left with a lifetime of whys.  Why did his father do this? Why did his Mom take a violent drunk back into her life again and again? Why did Chris survive while his brother died? Why wasn’t it the other way around?

Learning to live with “why?”

Years of therapy, a strong faith and the love of his grandparents have helped Chris as he walks through his own story, but nothing is ever going to make what happened okay.  In a recent article for CNN Chris describes laying awake at night during his high school years, “just thinking”.

Philosophers, pastors and cynics have all tried to answer the question why, but few of them have had to live it as Chris has.  The search for meaning, the longing for life to have a purpose and a direction is common to all of us.  We want to belong, we want our lives to count.  We need it.  Our very souls crave it.

In his book Soul Cravings Erwin McManus discusses his own search for the answers to these very questions.   He writes, “Our souls crave to know the truth, and we need to pursue it at all cost. Whatever the implication, whatever it takes us, we must search for meaning, strive for understanding, struggle to make sense of life, never give up on the belief that the truth is out there.”

If you find yourself asking the same questions and want to learn more about the search for intimacy, destiny and meaning join us for a special chat series on Soul Cravings Monday nights at 9pm EST. The series starts on August 30th and runs every Monday until September 27.

How do you answer the whys in your own life?

CNN ran an interview this morning that caught my attention.

What an interesting question.  Would Hitchens be bothered by their prayers? Did he welcome them? I found his answer quite interesting.  Here is part of the interview:

COOPER: I know you know that there are people praying for you, there are prayer groups actually. . . What do you think about that, the fact that people are praying for you?

HITCHENS: There are people who are praying for me to suffer and die.  They have lavish websites. . . And then they are people, much more numerous I must say and nicer who are praying either that I get better or that I redeem myself.   That I make peace with the Almighty.

and later…

COOPER: So you don’t pray at all?

HITCHENS: No. All that is meaningless to me.

COOPER: So do you tell people not to do it for you?

HITCHENS: No I say if it makes you feel better you have my blessing.

Tolerance is not the same as caring

If the person receiving prayer does not believe in it, but the person praying does, who benefits from the prayer? Recently a friend and I were having a similar discussion.  A mutual friend of ours, I’ll call him Robert, was having a family crisis.  His father was very ill and the outlook was grim.  Robert is an atheist and my friend wondered, “is it wrong to pray for an atheist?”

Robert does not believe prayer has any value.  He has very strong negative feelings about all religion, so saying “I’ll pray for you” to him is not comforting. It’s more like a slap in the face.  So do I pray for Robert or not?

We live in an age where tolerance is king. There are some who would argue that Robert’s dislike of prayer should override my belief in it, that I should not push my religion on to him by praying for him.  But I don’t agree with that.  I don’t think that a crisis is the time to hit someone over the head with God, but at the same time, I cannot so casually walk away from prayer when a someone I care about is hurting.

I believe that prayer is real, has value and can help so for me to not pray for him in his hour of need would feel like holding back.  It would feel mean spirited as if I was saying, “I believe this could help you but I’m not going to let you have it.”  I did pray for Robert but I did not make a big production about saying “I prayed for you!”  I told him his family was in my thoughts, which is true.  They were also in my prayers.

I do believe that prayer can help.  Everyone benefits from prayer.  If you’d like to be prayed for, we’d be happy to do that.  Just let us know how we can pray for you.

How would you feel about someone praying for you? Would you be encouraged by it or bothered by it? Let us know in the comments.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian has been called many things.

Kevorkian is famous for his role in over 130 assisted suicides – a procedure he refers to  as Patholysis.  In an interview with CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta they explained the term:

“Path means disease or suffering,” he said to me.

“And lysis, means destruction,” I said.

“Exactly,” he answered. “Patholysis,” he repeated. “The destruction of suffering.”

Death and suffering

In theory, putting an end to suffering sounds like a good thing, but when that end comes at the cost of a person’s life the debate gets a lot more complicated.  For some it is very simple: taking a life is cruel.  For others, making someone suffer with no hope of relief is just as cruel, if not crueler.  But it wasn’t Kevorkian’s views on death that surprised me, it was his views on life.

In the interview he asks Dr. Gupta, “Sanjay, you want to know the single worst moment of my life?”  and then answers his own question saying “The single worst moment of my life… was the moment I was born.”

I expected someone who had fought so hard for the right to die to place a higher value on life itself. If life is meaningless and birth is cruel why wait until someone gets sick to ‘treat them with patholysis’?

Dr. Kevorkian is an old man now.  At 82 he has earned a medical degree and lost his license,  fought for his patients, and served 8 years in prison.   Loved or loathed, he made a name for himself.  It’s strange to think that he would wish his life had never happened.

Not ready to die

And yet, he goes on to tell Gupta that he is not ready to die.  It’s a strange paradox that he places so little value on life, is so willing to help others ‘slip this mortal coil’ and yet at the same time, wants to stick around.

It seems that even in the face of a life he never wanted, Kevorkian has a reason to live.  I wish Gupta had  asked him what the criteria was for ending life.  When is the reason to live no longer good enough?

I think a lot of us have had moments where we wonder what the point of life is, but these feelings are often fleeting.  Gupta made a very good point later in the interview when he said:

“In times of desperation, people may make decisions they regret,” I [Gupta] started up again. “This isn’t about deciding whether you want frozen yogurt or ice cream. These decisions about patholysis are … forever.”

In her article “Giving Life Another Chance” Lynette Hoy, a registered counselor writes about the chemistry of the brain that contributes to depression.  She writes:

Your feelings and your depression cannot be trusted. Feelings are not objective truth. Feelings are indicators of subjective thinking and you need to explore the thoughts you have been dwelling on that have led you to contemplate suicide. Thinking about killing yourself is believing lies about life and about the future. Many people in the past have struggled with depression but, they didn’t cave into or trust the feelings. They had the courage to go on, the courage to believe that their future and that their life could be different.

If you find yourself wondering if life is worth living, there is help available.  This article has our best resources for finding help in your area.

What makes life worth living? Hope? Love? Purpose? Something to dream about? Is the idea that tomorrow could be better enough of a reason to stick around and find out? Is life and death ever something we should take into our own hands? We’d love to hear from you.

Do wonder why you’re here? Try our free life lesson Soul Cravings: Destiny to learn why the world desperately needs you.

I have lived at least three days’ drive from my grandparents and most of my extended family my entire life

I have a great relationship with my parents, but I wasn’t always good at maintaining this bond.  My days in college were spent procrastinating about calling home and rolling my eyes when my father not-so-subtly mentioned that “they never hear from me”. But as my family has grown and changed, and I’ve made the transition from college student to married adult – with a whole new set of family to keep track of – I’ve come to value the connection with family much more.

I’ve had to come up with ways to stay connected across the miles. This is even more important  at Christmas. Splitting my time between my husband’s family and mine means we’re always spending the holidays without one group or the other.  I’ve found these 8 ways to stay connected, no matter how far apart we are:

1. Get everyone to use Skype. It’s taken time, but one by one my in-laws, parents and some siblings have gotten a free Skype account.   Skype lets you connect through instant messages and video chats for free online. I talk to my parents while I cook dinner and take my laptop around the apartment to show them my Christmas decorations.   When they are all together watching football on Sunday one of them sends me a message and that makes me feel included in their family time. On Christmas Day I plan to video chat with the whole family.  You could video chat while you open gifts.  I know other people who make a daily date for grandparents and grand-babies to “play” on the computer. It’s free, easy to learn and once everyone has the hang of it, it can bring your distant loved ones right into your home.
2. Start a blog. At first my blog was just a fun way to experiment with the little code knowledge I was picking up at work, but it developed into a way to share my life with my family. I write about what’s going on in my life, put up pictures and even connected my Twitter account to my blog so that my parents (who are not into Twitter… yet!) can even enjoy the small updates I do there.  It saves me time from having to write lengthy emails about the same event to different family members and is a great way to share photos without worrying about email size and attachments. Recently my dad even started his own travel blog and is now returning the favor, letting me stay updated on his trips.
3. Get phone cards. If you’re like my husband and I, you don’t have much need for a home phone line. We both have smart phones and spend more of our time texting than calling. But this has put a barrier up for us when it comes to calling grandma and grandpa and other family members who don’t have Skype, blogs, or even computers. We started buying phone cards and keeping them by the phone and in our wallets. For the occasional call to Grandma it’s much cheaper than getting a long distance plan.
4. Find inexpensive and simple ways to wish them well at holidays. I live in Canada and my parents, sister and brother all live in the States.  You wouldn’t believe how annoying shipping across the border can be (don’t get me started on gift cards). I’ve had to look for ways to wish them happy birthday and merry Christmas that work across borders and arrive on time.  Some websites, like Etsy.com, will accept Canadian PayPal payments and delivery to the US so I can have gifts shipped directly to my family. E cards are another great option.  If all else fails, start an arrangement with a family member (in my case, my shopaholic, sale-finding sister) who is willing to be your personal elf and save you the cost of shipping.
5. Put family in your calendar. I am not good at remembering important dates and have forgotten more than a couple family birthdays.  I am trying to schedule events in my email calendar in advance of the special occasion. This alerts me to the birthday, holiday or anniversary in enough time to mail a card or call my “family elf” (see Tip #4!) and arrange  to have something there on the special day. I have found if I don’t make these events as important as the work meetings I schedule, they get forgotten and I miss an opportunity to show my family I am thinking of them.
6. Sign up for seat sale alerts. Most airlines and discount ticket websites will allow you to specify what cities you’re keeping your eye of for cheap flights and will email alert you if the price falls. I recommend travelocity.com, orbitz.com, hotwire.com. Staying on top of the ups and downs of travel costs helps my husband and me maximize the times we can see our relatives each year.  Get your family involved in looking too.  My mother-in-law has emailed us more than once with WestJet deals and we’ve been able to visit her more affordable.
7. Do something together. How do you do something together when you don’t even live in the same country? I’ve found that there are ways to share a common bond or activity that don’t require two people are in the same room at the same time.  My sister and I are putting together our family photo calendar, a yearly tradition we took over last year. Our extended relatives email us the photos, we both upload to Snapfish.com and work on designing it as a team.  It’s like a sisters’ scrap-booking project without paper! Other options might be making a family fantasy sports pool or doing the same craft and uploading photos on Facebook of your progress for the other to see.
8. Keep the lines of communication open and the relationship a priority. Whatever your reasons for being away from loved ones, they can cause some to feel negative emotions from time to time about why you wouldn’t want to be closer to them. Perhaps most of your family lives close together and you are the one consistently absent from family functions because life has carried you elsewhere.  Whatever the situation, resist the temptation to let the lines of communication go quiet. Initiate connection even when it may be hard or when you feel out of the loop. Pulling back will only add to the miles between you and feed the fears that the relationship may be lost. Take opportunities, like Christmas, to show them with the efforts you make that they are a valuable part of your life and that your relationship can continue to grow – even if you live far apart.

How to be home alone for the holidays
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