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10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills
Train Yourself in the Art of Listening
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If I’m ever going to connect with people in my life  to Christ, I need to be an effective listener. I must be able to hear their concerns, their heart, and their questions in order to connect their story with God’s story, and I must demonstrate a quality of listening that communicates love, value, and respect. What’s your listening saying about you?

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Are you a good listener? Become a mentor

I am 41 and spent Mother’s day morning getting up at 5:30 (yes a.m.) by choice to do a 10km run.

My husband was diagnosed with a debilitating condition at age 40.  We never expected him to require a cane to walk at this age.  His condition has created much stress for me, as a wife and mother, and for our family.  The diagnosis and progression of the disease launched us into full blown crisis.

Now that the medication is doing its thing and some time has passed, I have had some time to reflect more about my own health.  I realized that health is something I have taken for granted.  I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I missed my chance. I don’t want to come face to face with the fact that I had choices and I consistently made the wrong ones.  So while I still have options, I want to make some different choices.  I have heard several inspiring stories recently and have decided to be pro-active and make sure my own story has a different ending than I have currently been working (or not working, actually) towards.

Rewriting my own story

I have wanted to participate in this particular 10km run for several years since it is a great race for beginners.  I wanted to accomplish something physical that I can be proud of.  I set off on race day, with the goal to show up and finish, I didn’t care about my time.  I was overcome with emotion at the start line, simply because I did it, I showed up! I crossed the finish line and now have a moment I am proud to share.  Feeling that rush of excitement because I accomplished something I set out to do was very rewarding and will encourage me through the days ahead when discipline wanes.

My goal is to be the best I can be, today.  I am working on the physical part of being the best I can be.  This goal taken one day at a time will get me to a healthier place and will change my future.  How about you?  Are you being the best you can be today?  For you it may not be physical, perhaps you want to work on being your best in a different area of your life.  We are all physical, emotional, and spiritual beings. Which area do you want to be the best you can be?

Because my faith impacts everything I do in life, being my best physically is also a spiritual discipline.  My spirituality impacts every area of my life.  Spirituality in my life is based on a relationship with Jesus.  Therefore as in other relationships, my physical self impacts my relationship with Jesus.  For example, with my kids, being able to physically participate with them and have the energy to run and play definitely impacts our relationship.

We had a water fight on Sunday and it was really fun! That is now a special relationship building memory that we have together – not to mention the joy my 14 year old son had as he COMPLETELY soaked me.   You can imagine that was an exciting moment for him!  By the end of summer, based on my new decisions, I will be able to fight back better!  He better look out.

The same connection is true for my relationship with Jesus. Although I am not having water fights with Him; I know my physical self impacts my spirituality.  My spiritual life is like a race also.  I run toward a goal, get tired, but keep on keeping on and enjoy the journey.  God wants me to be my best, but He loves me so much that He does not expect perfection.  He nudges me to be better, but allows grace for my failures and disappointments. That is the key to my faith: grace.  It is the basis of all that I believe.  Click here to learn more about a relationship with Jesus.

Grace does not excuse my poor choices, so that I can keep making poor choices, but it does forgive accept and encourage better next time. Grace is getting what I do not deserve, and is not based on me; but rather what Jesus did for me.   Here is a Bible verse that captures some of this.

Hebrews 12:1-3  says:
Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

For me there are things that may “hinder or entangle” me in my journey to be my best:

• Looking to the past and seeing my failures
• Lack of discipline
• Selfishness
• Laziness

By recognizing what causes us to “grow weary and lose heart” we are better equipped to overcome that obstacle.  Take a moment and think of your list.
I would love to hear your feedback.  What comes to mind that you want to work toward being your best? Is it physical or spiritual? Let me know in the comments below and perhaps there will be a group of us committed to being our best.

I would love to hear your response to what I said about Jesus.  If you want to respond in comments that is great.  We also have a mentor that can answer any questions that you may have. Mentors are trained volunteers that can answer your questions.

Here is how it works: The mentor would email you using our secure system which ensures your privacy by protecting your information.  If you want to keep talking, just hit reply.  The conversation is confidential and non-judgmental.   You can keep talking to your mentor as long as you like and there is never a fee. If this is something you want to do, just click on the Talk to a Mentor top at the top right of this page and fill out the form.  A mentor will contact you.

Recommended Book:  Both the book and the story of Chantel Hobbs has been inspiring to me.  Never say Diet and The Never Say Diet Personal Fitness Trainer are books I recommend.

We’ve all asked “why?” at some point or another.  Chris Keith has been asking why for most of his life.

He was 12 years old when his grandparents decided he was old enough to know the truth.  His whole family – his parents and his older brother Mikey – did not die in a car accident as he has been told.  The were the victims of a murder-suicide at the hands of Chris’ Dad.   Chris learned that his father had shot him point blank in the head as well, that paramedics had declared him dead as well until somehow he moved a little and they realized he was still alive.

Chris is left with a lifetime of whys.  Why did his father do this? Why did his Mom take a violent drunk back into her life again and again? Why did Chris survive while his brother died? Why wasn’t it the other way around?

Learning to live with “why?”

Years of therapy, a strong faith and the love of his grandparents have helped Chris as he walks through his own story, but nothing is ever going to make what happened okay.  In a recent article for CNN Chris describes laying awake at night during his high school years, “just thinking”.

Philosophers, pastors and cynics have all tried to answer the question why, but few of them have had to live it as Chris has.  The search for meaning, the longing for life to have a purpose and a direction is common to all of us.  We want to belong, we want our lives to count.  We need it.  Our very souls crave it.

In his book Soul Cravings Erwin McManus discusses his own search for the answers to these very questions.   He writes, “Our souls crave to know the truth, and we need to pursue it at all cost. Whatever the implication, whatever it takes us, we must search for meaning, strive for understanding, struggle to make sense of life, never give up on the belief that the truth is out there.”

If you find yourself asking the same questions and want to learn more about the search for intimacy, destiny and meaning join us for a special chat series on Soul Cravings Monday nights at 9pm EST. The series starts on August 30th and runs every Monday until September 27.

How do you answer the whys in your own life?

It was almost 15 years ago that the Spice Girls implored us,

Late last year, I started a new journal.  I am not a regular journal-er but the time felt right.  I thought I should start the journal with a list of the things I want, as a reminder to myself of the direction I was heading in.  I must have sat with a pen in my hand for half an hour and didn’t write a single word.  I knew what I wanted, I knew EXACTLY what I wanted.  Why was it so hard to say it out loud, to write it down?

When I finally did start to write it was all very vague. I wanted to improve here and try there and maybe see if I could work in some of this or that.  I read over what I had written and realized that, like a fortune cookie, it could be interpreted to mean almost anything.  I hadn’t just given myself a way out, I’d taken the door off the hinges.  It turns out that I am not alone in this.

In a recent article for Oprah.com Daphne Oz (daughter of Oprah’s health guru Dr. Oz) wrote this:

Few people (myself included) have the courage—nay, gall—to actually make specific resolutions, ones with clear guidelines and action plans. . . We only answer to ourselves, and somehow that makes getting the job done less compelling.  Why is it that when we make promises to ourselves we cut corners and are comfortable falling short of even these limited expectations?

She raises an excellent point.  As adults we meet our responsibilities – we pay our bills, show up to work, change the oil in the car, and try to get the kids to eat more vegetables.  We understand that there are rules and boundaries and we stay within them most of the time.  When it just us, alone with our thoughts, it’s very easy to let ourselves drift.  Why add one more thing to the list?

I wonder if we are quick to let ourselves off the hook because we feel guilty for dreaming in the first place?

Most of us have it pretty good.  We eat regularly and sleep in clean beds, which puts us ahead of most of the world.  We see friends dealing with job loss, or severe health issues, or broken hearts, and it seems wrong to ask for more.  I think we see dreams as an unwise luxury, something we can’t afford in this economy.  But we’re mistaken. Dreams are not an extra; dreams are as essential as air.

Read about the necessity of dreams

Without dreams, hope withers.  Without hope, life becomes a sad place indeed.  There is a quote from American novelist Barbara Kingslover that has been following me around since before Christmas.  It speaks of hope, and of the need to figure out what you want.  She writes, “The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.”

How can I live inside that hope if I can’t even say it out loud? It took me a few days, but I did go back and rewrite that first page of my journal.  I ripped out the old version and, with stuttering penmanship, dared to say what I want.  It was a little scary but I’m glad I did it.

The first step to being able to say what I want in public, is being able to say it in a private space –  a journal or a conversation with a good friend.   It’s still a risk.  If I admit to what I want and it doesn’t happen, I’ve set myself of up for disappointment.  However, in saying it out loud I also give myself a chance.  I put myself in the race. Who knows what might happen?

If journaling isn’t your thing, but you’d like someone to talk to, we have mentors available by email 24/7.  Mentors are trained volunteers with real world experience and can listen, offer a second opinion, and provide additional resources.   If you’d like to talk to a mentor, just fill in this form and we’ll do the rest.  (Email mentoring is always free, confidential, and completely voluntary.)

I crave something more and there’s no shame in admitting that. There’s a video of author Erwin McManus discussing the desire for deeper meaning here.  It’s only a minute and half and well worth the time.  Take a look.  It may help you as you figure out what it is that you want.

As we head deeper into 2010, what do you hope for?  Will this be the year you say it out loud?  Tell us what you hope for in the comments.