In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

The In Flanders Fields poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae on May 3 1915. He wrote it after witnessing the death of his friend on the battlefield the day before. It is a solemn reminder of the atrocities of war and an admonishment to steadfastly remain vigilant even when faced with terrifying adversity.

On this day we honor those who bravely fought for freedom and justice, and many of whom bravely gave their lives for the noble cause. It goes by different names in different places, including Remembrance Day, Veteran’s Day, Poppy Day, and Armistice Day, but the sentiment is the same: Not to glorify the tragedy of war, but to commemorate the valor of those who fought to defend their country.

Brigadier General (ret.) Robinson Risner, a veteran pilot who fought in World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, is one of those brave military soldiers who we should remember today. Despite being shot down twice over enemy territory, and being captured and tortured, each time it happened he wasted no time taking to the skies again, ready to serve his country. Read his story: Enduring Torture in a POW Camp

Please feel free to share your own stories of remembrance or commemoration in the comments below. If you feel the need to speak with someone in private, our online mentors are always available to listen.

Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home.  One of them is moved to improve as a father.  His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads.  But it doesn’t end there.  Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?

This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled.  The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat.  You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears.  The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.

The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:

Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.

This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back.  Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you.  Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.

Courageous opens in select theatres September 30^th.

Resources available

Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women.  Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families.  You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources

Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:

Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous

Ever have those kind of fantasies? We all do. The problem comes when they don’t stop when you make your marriage vows begin.

I know many married women who would never dream of cheating on their husbands, but at the same time they have a “crush” on some big star–either a sports figure or a celebrity. They have pictures of that man all over their FB page. They have mugs of him. They make constant references to him.

Recently I received this email from a woman exasperated with her friends. She writes:

Can you please tell married women to stop falling all over themselves praising other men? I’m sick of seeing married women talk about how “hunky” some hockey star is, or how “hot” some star is, especially when their husbands are sitting right there.

We’ve told men that we women don’t like it when they talk about how hot other women are, but we turn around and do the same thing! It has to stop.

I completely agree. I think something has happened to our society in the name of “sexual liberation”. In the 1970s, when feminism really got revved up, one of the things that the movement tried to do was to end the idea that women and men were somehow different. And so they started praising women for acting all sex-crazed, just like men. And it became a sign of women’s empowerment to say that a guy was “hot”, or to openly talk to other women about how cute someone was. While men weren’t allowed to do it, women were encouraged to do so.

Women now internalized that, so that we think it’s fun and harmless to idolize hockey players or football players or actors. But it isn’t! Even if your husband says it doesn’t bother him, it’s still wrong. The only one you should have eyes for is your husband.

We women often hear messages against romance novels, because these will wreck your marriage. In addition, I ask married women to, please stop posting about famous men on Facebook.   And to stop buying jerseys of a particular player? And don’t tell your children that you like him, either! Instead, tell your children how much you love and adore their father.

You should be your husband’s biggest fan, not the fan of someone else. It isn’t harmless, even if you’re never going to meet the person in real life. It makes your mind go in the wrong direction, and it tells your husband and your kids that you’re not truly committed to loving only him.

Quite often making small changes in the long run make a BIG difference.

Let us know what you think.

This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.

Want more romance in your life? 

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I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, “Sex is volatile and it was meant to be.” For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, “what’s the use?”  This leads to some very common questions like:

Q:  My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me.  I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me.  I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?

A:  Don’t jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.

Wired differently

Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex.  It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. That’s the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the “bonding hormone”. That’s the chemical that makes them want to connect.  So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.

She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. “Hey we want connection!” I hear you say. Ya right!  We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.

So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed – I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, it’s mind boggling!

Making the connection

Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning:  that look she gave you might not  even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.

The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.

Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her,  help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:

“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.”  Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227  

Growing together

So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability.  You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”.  Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.

Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?

I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording.  Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.

Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.

Fatigue. This is a no brainer.  What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.  Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.

By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.

One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.  Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it.  Communication is really important.  She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

This fall my 18 year-old son, my first-born, my newly minted young adult, will be leaving home to start university.

After that there were vacations with his best friend’s family, 2-week ski trips with his French elementary school, excursions to Quebec with his French class, and to Mexico on mission trips, all without me along.  I always knew that my role was to “let go” and encourage him to try his wings so that when the day came for him to become independent, he would be ready.  For years I have been progressively working myself out of a job, or at least gradually changing my job description.

The universal questions

But am I ready?  The distant deadline somehow always approaches far too rapidly. All parents experience this, but does that make it any easier?  Joel Achenbach, in his touching blog post, Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time wrote, “It’s not true that kids grow up fast. What is true is that it seems fast if you’re paying too much attention to other stuff.”  After all the years of reminding our much younger daughter that we had years together ahead of us before Josh left for college, we now find ourselves hurtling toward the day.

I talk to other moms a little ahead of me on this journey, and I realize that I am the Universal Mother asking the Universal Questions.  Will he wake up in the morning and get to class?  Will he eat properly?  Will he so enjoy the taste of freedom that he will forget why he has gone to college?  Will he wash his sheets?  Will he think to call me occasionally, or will I be reduced to reading his Facebook posts to learn that he is off rock climbing?

Then there are the Important Questions.  Will he be safe, going from a small town where we don’t always lock the front door, to living in a big city?  Will he make wise choices about priorities, money, and friends? Will we still enjoy the complicity that now exists between us?   Will he continue to walk with God? Will the new ideas he will be exposed to shake his faith or help him to go deeper still?

I think back to my own departure at 18. Was my mom sad or worried? Probably, but I don’t remember. I was too excited about starting college, growing up, and the anticipation of new friends and new adventures to pay much attention.  And while Josh admitted recently that his excitement is also tinged with a little anxiety, I’m betting that it won’t be long before he is immersed in this new world.

I will miss him terribly, but would I really prefer that he only aspire to stay here, in the safety and security of our home?  The idea behind the movie Failure to Launch is comical, but not so entertaining for real-life parents whose adult son is still living in the basement playing video games. I don’t want him to be too fearful to step out by faith, on his own.  This is exactly the goal I had in mind as I raised him.  I say to myself, often, “This is good and right. This is how it should be.”  I can’t stop him from growing up, and I shouldn’t try either.  But I can prepare him for the day that we say good-bye.  This is ultimately not about me.  It is about him, his future, and his life. I need to let him live it.

Take the next step

Is your family changing?
Are you ready to let go?

Check out the book that Carol featured: Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time by Joel Achenbach

Sleek and chic, classy pieces with new daring combinations

A flashback to the 50s brings us sophisticated Hollywood elegance. Perfectly finished from head to toe, this look is about polished distinction. Look for dresses that go past the knee, skirt suits and three quarter sleeve coats. Bold accessorizes help achieve this elegant look.

Spring meets fall for the first time with dresses showing up in a mosaic of floral prints. The 60′s look returns with bold graphic prints. Hems are dropping… and dropping fast! Mid calf and floor length hemlines are a big departure from the ultra-minis seen last season. Side slits have made a come back in the winter dress. Add the sleeveless drop-waisted shift to your wardrobe this season.

90’s minimalism has made its way onto the runways. Tailoring builds the contours for this season’s fashion fair. Precision cut draping and structure defines jackets and trousers. Simplicity reigns with the return of the pencil skirts topped with a loose fitting blouse.

What’s hot when it comes to color and fabric?

Color abounds! Creamy coffee, camel, bright crimson, citrus and burnt orange along with the rich emerald jewel shades of jade and azure make their statement in the stores this season. These rich hues are found in coats, bags, belts, shoes and dresses.

Textures are mixed to add style and flare. Leather, faux fur, vinyls, feathers and brocades give a strong look. Velvet is everywhere in the fall collections. This luxurious and romantic fabric can elevate any look, taking your outfit easily from daytime to eveningwear.

Plaids in a tartan to a rustic weave are making their return. Check out the pleated schoolgirl skirt paired with a turtleneck. Stripes, checks, even polka dots are also a carry over from the 70’s.

Glamour abounds this holiday season. Sequins make a statement in a variety of colors and shapes. Oversize post it note sequins are iridescent fun and futuristic.

Trousers

Flare and wide leg bottoms with a high waist give an elegant look when worn with a loose satin blouse. Cropped or slim fit pants will still find room in your wardrobe this winter.

Accessorize

Layered necklaces add style to a simple neckline. Motif pins give flare to a classic outfit. Choker necklaces and cuff bracelets in gold, copper or silver add prominence and style to a dress in the back of your closet. Hollywood 50′s elegance dictates pearls, gloves and fur wraps.

Shoes are bold with choices from patent, suede and reptile skins such as python and croc. Colors are fun with the addition of fringes, bows or straps. Heels are tall with either a spike or a wedge.

The bag collections include a range from a patent clutch to reptile skins with chain handles. Have fun bringing life to a simple black dress with a crimson reptile bag and matching suede shoes!

Textured stockings are an easy way to add interest to a simple outfit.

This Season’s One Tip Wonder

Add a camel coat in a sleek classic silhouette to your outerwear this season. Camel is a chic and eye catching shade. Consider some faux fur trim to add warmth and interest. Every woman can wear this classic addition with great confidence!

Take the next step:

10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills
Train Yourself in the Art of Listening
Do you need to talk? 

I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this topic.  In a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. It is not a physical need for women the way it is for men. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time!  Because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!

So often we lie there in bed, with this conversation running through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.

If we put a stop to that conversation and decide to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow.  As would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough so that you both feel connected and close.

So rest up, get the chores done, and de-stress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much better your marriage will be!

I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography.   Then it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. If your marriage needs healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too.  Commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.

Recommended Resources for healing from past issues

Article:

Healing from Your Past by Barbara Wilson

Books:

Wounded Heart by: Dan Allander

Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. Psychologists tell us that there are five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Writing out our life map begins to move us beyond denial to truth. That can make us angry. And it should. When we’ve been used and abused, or have fallen victim to wrong choices in our life, we experience anger. But often we direct our anger inward, causing anxiety and depression, or outward to the wrong people. Broken people intentionally and unintentionally hurt other people. Processing our anger in a healthy way is asking God to show us who shares responsibility for all that’s happened to us and the choices we’ve made.

The goal of this exercise isn’t to make us angrier, but instead to allow God to show us that we alone are not to blame. And then to surrender our hurts and anger to Him. One way we do this is to write anger letters to everyone God reveals who shares blame for what’s happened in our past, including our own choices. We didn’t have sex alone. We didn’t perform our own abortion. Although God wants us to acknowledge our part in wrong choices, there are others who need to bear some of the responsibility.

The goal of this exercise is to surrender our anger to God. To honestly express how other’s choices have hurt us. I encourage people to use ‘I’ statements when they write their letters. For example: “I was hurt, angry, sad, etc., when you ___________. Rather than make it a list of behaviors, it’s important to acknowledge how others’ choices hurt us and how that makes us feel.

But one word of caution. These letters are between us and God and not meant to be given out. The goal is not revenge or retribution, but healing and restoration. In some cases if God leads, we may give our letter to the intended person. But only after prayerful consideration.

Following anger, people often experience sadness or grief. This is normal. Anger is a huge emotion, and can be draining. When God removes our anger, the emptiness can leave us sad, resigned, empty. Don’t worry, this is normal. This is part of God breaking our hearts so that He can heal us. One caution for those who’ve struggled with depression, or are currently on medication for depression—please get medical advice if you feel that you’re slipping back under that deep, dark cloud. Or if the depression lasts longer than a few weeks. I know, I’ve been there. If so, you may need to get on medication, or increase an existing dose.

God uses the next step—forgiveness, to lift us out of our grief or sadness and move us towards acceptance. In addition to acknowledging where we need to ask for forgiveness from God for our part, we need to forgive others for theirs. I find it interesting that in the Lord’s Prayer, asking God to forgive us and forgiving others are related…as if one is contingent on the other…”and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt. 6:12). Miraculously, God uses this step of forgiving others to set us free from their hold on us. Forgiveness is the gateway to healing, and to the final step of grieving–acceptance.

Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.

When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:

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That’s essential if we want complete healing, and have the kind of emotional and physical intimacy God desires for us to have in marriage. Also, because of the bonds we’ve created with other partners, we need to trust God to sever those bonds so that we can have our bonding hormone restored, allowing us to bond fully in a present or future marriage. Healing restores all our relationships, because we’ll finally be able to reconcile ourselves to us. Being at peace with ourselves, frees us to be at peace with others.

Let the healing begin

For the past several years I’ve had the privilege of watching God heal hundreds of people from their sexual pasts. God led me to write a bible study for sexual healing, and through twelve chapters we lead people through a grieving process for their sexual pasts. I want to encourage you if God is bringing to mind things you’ve yet to heal from, that you’ll have the courage to join me and countless others in the following steps to healing:

1. Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past.

2. Grieving the losses we’ve experienced.

3. Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past.

4. Breaking ungodly sexual bonds.

Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past. Some wounds we’re aware of, but many we’re not, until we let God show us how our past is still hurting us today. When we let God show us how our past has hurt us, He’s able to heal our brokenness. But the first step and often the hardest is acknowledging what’s happened to us. And with abuse or trauma, often we can’t remember clearly what’s happened. But God knows our whole story, every detail. And when we give Him permission, He’ll show us our story. Here’s an exercise that can help you see your own story.

Grieving the losses we’ve experienced. Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. John Townsend and Henry Cloud in their book, How People Grow, say that “Grief is the one pain that heals all others. It is the most important pain there is.”[1]

Because many of us feel responsible for the loss, we often don’t feel we deserve to grieve. But the truth is, we do deserve to grieve, even more, we need to grieve. In fact God grieves right along with us. He feels our pain, bears our burdens. He even collects our tears, King David tells us in Psalm 56:8, “Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record?” And as we grieve, God is able to comfort and heal us. Here’s an exercise to help you walk through the grief process.

Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past. For many years I believed that God was the one who was heaping shame on me. I was certain He was disappointed with me, and no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness, I still had shame. But as I allowed God to heal me, I discovered that He did not see me the way I saw myself, the way the enemy tried to make me feel.

He did not see me as sinful, dirty and unrighteous. Instead because of what Jesus did on the cross, and my acceptance of His forgiveness, God saw who I was in Christ–holy, righteous, blameless, forgiven. Yet I’d been living out of the lie of the enemy. Once I saw the truth, the enemy could no longer deceive me with this lie.  Here’s an exercise to help you see how God views sex.

Breaking ungodly sexual bonds. The bonding of sex is not only physical, but also spiritual, emotional and mental which includes the chemical and hormonal bonding that happens. Although we’d like to believe that breaking up and moving on severs that bond, in truth, only God can sever the ‘one flesh’ bond He’s created through sex.

The bible says that this bonding is a mystery. In other words, it’s unexplainable, supernatural, something only God can do. So it makes sense that only God can completely sever this bond. In this step we ask God to show us everyone we’ve created a sexual bond with, and write out a sexual history list. Then we pray through each name (or memory if we don’t have a name) asking God to sever the bond we’ve created—at every level, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally.  Here is the prayer to pray.

Really Good News…           

Oxytocin is God’s super-human glue that is released in a man and woman during sexual arousal and release. When we’ve created bonds with others through sex, we can damage our bonding hormone, causing us to release less and less with each subsequent partner. But I have amazing news! Preliminary research is showing that as we heal, our brain heals, allowing us to release oxytocin again. Isn’t God so kind? Regardless of how our bonding hormone was damaged or depleted, when we let God heal us, He even restores our ability to bond. That’s what God told us in Joel 2:25, ‘I will repay for the years the locusts have eaten…” God promises to pay us back all that the enemy has robbed from us—even oxytocin.  Here’s an excerise to walk through the process of breaking sexual bonds.

I want to leave you with one final word of encouragement. Its true…healing isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact it can be quite painful, and take longer than expected. But this I can promise: it’s worth the journey. I would never want to go back to where I was, broken, clothed in shame, stuck spiritually, emotionally and physically.

For 25 years shame was my constant companion. But when God restored me 8 years ago, that’s when I really began to live…that’s when I became free. What a feeling! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And it’s not just me. Everyone who’s had the courage to trust God with their pasts, regardless of how hard the journey, not one has ever said they wished they could go back to the way things were.

I’m praying that this is the day you’ll say yes to God, and begin your journey to a life of freedom. You’ll never regret it…I promise.

When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:

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