Making the connection

Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning:  that look she gave you might not  even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.

The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.

Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her,  help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:

“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.”  Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227  

Growing together

So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability.  You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”.  Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.

Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?

I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording.  Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.

Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.

Fatigue. This is a no brainer.  What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.  Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.

By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.

One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.  Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it.  Communication is really important.  She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

It was a simple scene that first Christmas – a rough room, a young couple, and nothing but a feeding trough to put the child in. It was probably quite cold and with family far away there was little help. Not exactly the Hallmark moment we like to show in Christmas pageants. And yet this rustic scene marked the greatest event in the history of humankind. Read the Christmas story.

Where do you find value? How can you find meaning this Christmas? Watch our new video Not Sold

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Searching for truth at Christmas
Coping with hopelessness over Christmas

Merry Christmas from Power to Change Ministries

Through the curtains my husband handed me a towel.  As I wrapped the fresh white towel around my shivering shoulders, deep warmth wrapped itself all around my thawing frame.  My husband had warmed the towel in the dryer!  I cannot describe how magical it felt.

The warmth of the towel seeped into my skin as my husband’s thoughtfulness saturated my soul.  I felt loved.  What a gift! It was a simple act of kindness that warmed my body and heart.

Now… before you start thinking that this kind of romance naturally occurs within the Born household, can I set the record straight?  This wasn’t my hubby’s own idea.  Nope.  He didn’t come up with this on his own. He got it from a book.  But… who cares? As I enshrouded my body with that warm towel, I didn’t give a hoot where the idea came from.  I was relishing in his implementation of the idea. That was the gift.

Have you got a Christmas gift for your spouse yet?  According to the guy on the radio, if you don’t have your gifts by now… it’s too late.  But I don’t believe him.  Come on, they’ve been playing Christmas music for months already.  The pressure tactics of consumerism are little over the top.

For Christmas this year, my husband and I are giving each other the gift of attending a marriage conference together.  Now, marriage conferences aren’t cheap, so we’ll be saving up for it. But I’m thinking it’ll be more like an investment. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the desire to learn new ways of saying “I love you” – whether the ideas come from a book, a marriage seminar or from your own creativity.  No matter what stage a marriage is at (and we’ve been through ebbs and flows of our own) there is always hope for a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

So with the warm towel in mind, think about giving a gift that will change your relationship.  Find out new ways to say I love you.  Pick up a marriage book.  Plan to attend a marriage seminar.  Go for coffee with a friend and share some ideas.  Choosing to learn new ways to love your spouse is a life-changing gift. Now that’s a real gift.

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Originally posted on dorisdoumaborn.wordpress.com . Used with permission.

In our family December 1^st is one of the most sacred days of the year.

It happens almost the same way each year.  I untangle the outdoor Christmas lights which mysteriously get entwined no matter how carefully I lay them in their tote. (I have long believed that sometime during the year these cords awake from their slumber and play several games of Twister until they are so entangled they can’t move).  Once the Christmas lights are in place with the star at the center, I move indoors to assemble the tree.

Traditions are vital to families

Yes it is fake but hey, this is our tradition and we like it.  I discovered I could disassemble it with the lights still on it, place it in its box and presto next year save time and some frustration.  Then the girls, and now my son-in-law, set out to decorate the tree, amid comments like, “Remember when I made this one? No you didn’t I painted that. Look at the bottom, I have my name on it” or “Do we still want to put these on the tree?” My dear wife is in the kitchen adding her perfect touch to this day. The smells of corn chowder and fresh buns waft (always wanted to use that word) through the house.

Dr. Bill Doherty, Professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota described the importance of traditions saying:

There are so many ways for families to move apart and not connect that if you just go with the flow the flow is going to do disperse you. . . . The biggest reason that it’s important to have some family rituals and traditions is to be able to make sure you have an opportunity to connect on a regular basis.

Family traditions are an anchor in busy times, something to look back and something to look forward to.

As we sit down for our meal and look at the tree lit up in our dark front room, we feel a connectedness that good traditions bring to a family.  Traditions don’t just happen, they take effort which is why we keep December 1^st sacred.  It comes first before school, work, meetings or appointments.   We have the whole year to make sure our schedules are clear that day so we are all free to spend the day together.

Over the years our traditions have evolved and as our family continues to grow they will change and flex.  What makes a great tradition? When with fondness and a touch of nostalgia a family member says “We always…” Traditions are sacred to us and we always look forward to starting our celebration of Jesus birth with our sacred day December 1.

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10 great Christmas traditions
Read the stories behind Christmas carols
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In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

The In Flanders Fields poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae on May 3 1915. He wrote it after witnessing the death of his friend on the battlefield the day before. It is a solemn reminder of the atrocities of war and an admonishment to steadfastly remain vigilant even when faced with terrifying adversity.

On this day we honor those who bravely fought for freedom and justice, and many of whom bravely gave their lives for the noble cause. It goes by different names in different places, including Remembrance Day, Veteran’s Day, Poppy Day, and Armistice Day, but the sentiment is the same: Not to glorify the tragedy of war, but to commemorate the valor of those who fought to defend their country.

Brigadier General (ret.) Robinson Risner, a veteran pilot who fought in World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, is one of those brave military soldiers who we should remember today. Despite being shot down twice over enemy territory, and being captured and tortured, each time it happened he wasted no time taking to the skies again, ready to serve his country. Read his story: Enduring Torture in a POW Camp

Please feel free to share your own stories of remembrance or commemoration in the comments below. If you feel the need to speak with someone in private, our online mentors are always available to listen.

It wasn’t going as planned.  Life, that is.

With high school fading fast into the rear view mirror, I decided that I needed to get away from my life.  I packed my back pack with some new white shirts, a pair of pants and little else.  But where would I go?  I didn’t have much money and I wasn’t very interested in making more.

A family friend said he knew a guy in the North Carolina mountains that I could stay with for the summer.  That seemed good enough – anything seemed good really.  I thought that maybe the difference in altitude would give me a better view of where I was headed.

Arriving in Milton

I arrived by bus in a small town called Milton.  I was told to ask for Max.  But who should I ask?  The bus driver?  I was regretting my decision already.  I went into a nearby gas station, and asked him if he knew a Max.  Surprisingly, he said “Everybody knows Max”, and he pointed towards a store front down the block.

Max made rocking chairs for a living.  He was in his mid sixties with a beard as big as a bee hive.  He showed me around the shop.  He had a lot of tools, but they all looked to be about as old as him.  What was I doing in Milton, NC?  It seemed like I was about to have a few of the most boring weeks of my life.  I eyed the rest of Main St for a liquor store.

The longer I stayed with Max, the more I realized that he was probably the happiest person I had ever met.  One afternoon while I was helping him fill a truck with scrap pieces of wood, I asked him what his secret was.  “How are you so happy all the time?”  He threw a piece of oak into the truck and smiled wide.

He said,  “God showed me long ago my purpose here on this planet.  He showed me my purpose, and I fulfill that purpose every day.  It fills me with more joy than I could ever ask for.”

Here for a reason

Max was put on this earth to make rocking chairs.  It was as simple as that.  He made his first dollar making a chair for his mother.  He met his wife when she came to him commissioning a chair for her dad.  His church pews have the same stain that he uses on each of his chairs.  He re-stains them every three months.

In many ways, Max was the lifeblood of Milton, NC.  Whenever someone was having a bad day, they would head on down to Max’s shop and chat with him for an hour or so as he sanded a piece of wood.  I’m sure Max saved more marriages than Dr. Phil.  It seemed as though everyone gravitated towards him.  I couldn’t argue.  I mean, I was there too.

On my last day with Max, he gave me a pat on the head and said “Many plans are in a man’s mind, but it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand.”  I wanted to talk about it more, but my bus was about to board.

Before that moment, it seemed like my main purpose in life was partying.  But really, the partying was just a way of coping with the fear that I wouldn’t find a purpose.  I was afraid that God wouldn’t speak to me, or that when he did, I wouldn’t listen.  But Max helped me see that it is impossible  not to listen to God when he talks.  I could not imagine being happy making rocking chairs for 50 years, but Max showed me how much I had to learn.

When I returned home from that summer, my life wasn’t the same.  I was no longer running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  I didn’t need to drink until I passed out, or hit on girls I didn’t know.  Instead, I had found the strength to wait for my purpose to unfold.  I sat out on my parent’s front porch, rocking back and forth, and I would listen.

Take the next step:

Were you born for great things?
What does it mean to walk with God, or to walk in His ways?

Many of us have hit ruts in our marriage.

Don’t let your marriage hit a rut! There is a way out, and it’s actually relatively simple. It just takes a mental shift.  Often when we are upset in our marriages it is because we focus on the marriage’s areas of weakness. We don’t communicate well. He doesn’t do enough of the housework. He leaves all the childcare to me. All he thinks about is sex. Etc. Etc.

Yet the marriages that tend to last tend to be the ones where people focus on their strengths. So let’s say that you’re in a marriage where you really don’t seem to communicate well. It’s hard to raise something that’s an issue to you. He never shares his feelings. You now have two choices: you can pound away at the communication issue, trying to get him to open up, and get frustrated in the process, or you can let it go for a while. If you pound away, he’s likely to get annoyed, and retreat, and you’re likely to get even more bitter.

Focus on your strengths

Another strategy is to ask, “what do we do well together?” Maybe he doesn’t open up well, but maybe he really enjoys doing active things together as a family. Maybe you talk a lot when you take drives in the country. Maybe he gets excited when you look at the stock market together and plan your financial savings strategy. Or maybe you need to think back a little further.

When’s the last time you really laughed together? Had fun together? Relaxed together? What were you doing? Maybe a few years ago you pulled out a puzzle, and realized he really liked doing puzzles, and you liked it, too, but you haven’t pulled one out since. Maybe you’re awesome at playing Monopoly together.

What are your strengths as a couple? Are you sporty together? Can you lead a great Bible study together? Are you good youth leaders at church? Are you both musical? Are you good at painting a room together or fixing up the house? Figure out what you can do together that makes you feel energized, and that touches your interests and/or gifts and then do more of it!

So often we squeeze out the stuff that we do well together because “more important” things come along. The kids have hockey. They have homework. I have to clean the house. But it is just as important to function well as a couple and to feel competent and capable together. In fact, perhaps it’s more important.

Make time to play together

When you have children, your marriage is now more important, not less, because other people are counting on you! If there was something you once enjoyed doing together, and you’ve cut it out of your life, bring it back–especially if you’re having problems. If you can spend some time in this area of strength, it can refocus your marriage. You start to look forward to being together again. It reinforces the reasons that you’re a good couple. As you do that, the areas of weakness tend to fade.

We stop noticing them and giving them so much importance. But perhaps more importantly, when we build our friendship and our identity as a couple, we tend to build a good foundation for the rest of the relationship. Work on companionship, and sex tends to improve. Work on fun, and communication tends to improve. Don’t push these things, of course; but you’ll likely find that you both are better able to function in all areas of your relationship when you start focusing on your strengths, instead of your weaknesses.

So today, whether your marriage is a good one or not, ask yourself: what do we do well together? Ski? Camp? Play games? Plan? Hike? Drive? And whatever it is, make a point of doing it together at least once a week. You just may find that your attitude, and his, takes a dramatic turn!

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Build up your marriage with a Weekend to Remember conference
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“I knew I had to do something to get my son up off the streets.” Karen came to this decision after she spent years working the streets. She had turned to prostitution and drugs after growing up without the love of her parents. Until she accepted Christ and took steps to change her life. How will you move toward a positive direction in your life?

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Are you feeling unloved? Talk to a mentor today.
How can God help you through heartbreaking moments from your past?
Have you experienced the pain of rejection in your life?

One of the most frequent internet searches is people who want help with relationships.

These guidelines don’t tell you to put yourself in harms way, nor to be a “door mat” or not to have any boundaries with those who are manipulative or mean spirited. No – these guidelines give you an attitude of the heart and a way to see yourself as you respond to others in your life.  There are just over 50 of them. Some are repeated, often with a little different direction given as to how to carry it out.

It’s like changing the glasses you are looking through. Often we choose to focus on seeing faults and finding complaints and irritations in another, especially when our hearts have been bruised. These guidelines give you opportunity and insight to change your glasses and see your own heart first as you respond to other person through the lens of compassion and care.

After all, it’s our own hearts that lead us in relationships and it’s our own attitudes that help make the daily rubbing of shoulders pleasant or irritating.

You can never do anything about another person’s responses or attitudes. You do not have the authority to change their glasses no matter how much you try. You can only change yours. Yet in changing the glasses you wear and choosing your outlook and your response, you will find yourself changing and those around you will respond differently as well.

It may be some of the very basic things in these guidelines that you need to begin doing. Waiting for one another before you eat. Being kind. Being tender hearted.

It may be more challenging to forgive another, to not build up complaints in your heart and mind toward another or to encourage and serve another.

These guidelines are all you will ever really need in your home and outside of your home as you navigate the relationships you hold dear. They come from the timeless truth of the Bible, God’s word to us. The best part is that God is the one who can restore kindness and gentleness within our hearts even when we don’t feel like it and can’t muster it ourselves. He is the one who can change our hearts and our minds and pour His love into us so that it can spill out around us.

May I challenge you to take the next 30 days and work through this list one at a time?  Ask God daily to help you specifically change your heart toward the one you find yourself in a challenging relationship with.

You will be amazed at the wisdom and insight you will receive as God’s peace begins to flow in your heart and in your relationship.

THE “ONE ANOTHER”s OF THE BIBLE

Mark 9:50 – “Salt is good; but if the salt becomes un-salty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

John 13:14 – “If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.

John 13:34 – “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

John 13:35 – “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:12 – “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

John 15:17 – “This I command you, that you love one another.

Romans 12:10 – Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

Romans 12:16 – Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Romans 13:8 – Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this–not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way.

Romans 14:19 – So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

Romans 15:5 – Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,

Romans 15:7 – Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

Romans 15:14 – And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another.

Romans 16:16 – Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.

1 Corinthians 11:33 – So then, my brethren, when you come together to eat, wait for one another.

1 Corinthians 16:20 – All the brethren greet you. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

2 Corinthians 13:12 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Galatians 5:13 – For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Galatians 5:26 – Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Ephesians 4:2 – with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,

Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of  you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 5:19 – speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;

Ephesians 5:21 – and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Colossians 3:9 – Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices,

Colossians 3:13 – bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Colossians 3:16 – Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

1 Thessalonians 3:12 – and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people, just as we also do for you;

1 Thessalonians 4:9 – Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:13b – Live in peace with one another.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 – See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.

2 Thessalonians 1:3 – We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brethren, as is only fitting, because your faith is greatly enlarged, and the love of each one of you toward one another grows ever greater;

Hebrews 3:13 – But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 10:24 – and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,

Hebrews 10:25 – not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

James 4:11 – Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.

James 5:9 – Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.

James 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

1 Peter 1:22 – Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:9 – Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

1 Peter 4:10 – As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

1 Peter 5:5 – You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

1 Peter 5:14 – Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace be to you all who are in Christ.

1 John 1:7 – but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 3:11 – For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another;

1 John 3:23 – This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.

1 John 4:7 – Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

1 John 4:11 – Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:12 – No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

2 John 1:5 – Now I ask you, dear lady, not as though I were writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that we love one another.

Take the next step:

Improve your communication with your spouse
Are you in a complicated relationship situation? Come talk to a mentor.

Freedom. What does the word mean to you? Many of us have never been incarcerated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are entirely at liberty to do and say what we want to. We can break the chains in our lives and be free in Christ. But sometimes those chains have a tight hold on us. How will you be set free?

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Be set free from the chains in your life
Are you struggling to feel free again? Talk to a mentor.
Feel like you’re being held captive? Remember your freedom in Christ.