It wasn’t going as planned.  Life, that is.

With high school fading fast into the rear view mirror, I decided that I needed to get away from my life.  I packed my back pack with some new white shirts, a pair of pants and little else.  But where would I go?  I didn’t have much money and I wasn’t very interested in making more.

A family friend said he knew a guy in the North Carolina mountains that I could stay with for the summer.  That seemed good enough – anything seemed good really.  I thought that maybe the difference in altitude would give me a better view of where I was headed.

Arriving in Milton

I arrived by bus in a small town called Milton.  I was told to ask for Max.  But who should I ask?  The bus driver?  I was regretting my decision already.  I went into a nearby gas station, and asked him if he knew a Max.  Surprisingly, he said “Everybody knows Max”, and he pointed towards a store front down the block.

Max made rocking chairs for a living.  He was in his mid sixties with a beard as big as a bee hive.  He showed me around the shop.  He had a lot of tools, but they all looked to be about as old as him.  What was I doing in Milton, NC?  It seemed like I was about to have a few of the most boring weeks of my life.  I eyed the rest of Main St for a liquor store.

The longer I stayed with Max, the more I realized that he was probably the happiest person I had ever met.  One afternoon while I was helping him fill a truck with scrap pieces of wood, I asked him what his secret was.  “How are you so happy all the time?”  He threw a piece of oak into the truck and smiled wide.

He said,  “God showed me long ago my purpose here on this planet.  He showed me my purpose, and I fulfill that purpose every day.  It fills me with more joy than I could ever ask for.”

Here for a reason

Max was put on this earth to make rocking chairs.  It was as simple as that.  He made his first dollar making a chair for his mother.  He met his wife when she came to him commissioning a chair for her dad.  His church pews have the same stain that he uses on each of his chairs.  He re-stains them every three months.

In many ways, Max was the lifeblood of Milton, NC.  Whenever someone was having a bad day, they would head on down to Max’s shop and chat with him for an hour or so as he sanded a piece of wood.  I’m sure Max saved more marriages than Dr. Phil.  It seemed as though everyone gravitated towards him.  I couldn’t argue.  I mean, I was there too.

On my last day with Max, he gave me a pat on the head and said “Many plans are in a man’s mind, but it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand.”  I wanted to talk about it more, but my bus was about to board.

Before that moment, it seemed like my main purpose in life was partying.  But really, the partying was just a way of coping with the fear that I wouldn’t find a purpose.  I was afraid that God wouldn’t speak to me, or that when he did, I wouldn’t listen.  But Max helped me see that it is impossible  not to listen to God when he talks.  I could not imagine being happy making rocking chairs for 50 years, but Max showed me how much I had to learn.

When I returned home from that summer, my life wasn’t the same.  I was no longer running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  I didn’t need to drink until I passed out, or hit on girls I didn’t know.  Instead, I had found the strength to wait for my purpose to unfold.  I sat out on my parent’s front porch, rocking back and forth, and I would listen.

Take the next step:

Were you born for great things?
What does it mean to walk with God, or to walk in His ways?

One of the most frequent internet searches is people who want help with relationships.

These guidelines don’t tell you to put yourself in harms way, nor to be a “door mat” or not to have any boundaries with those who are manipulative or mean spirited. No – these guidelines give you an attitude of the heart and a way to see yourself as you respond to others in your life.  There are just over 50 of them. Some are repeated, often with a little different direction given as to how to carry it out.

It’s like changing the glasses you are looking through. Often we choose to focus on seeing faults and finding complaints and irritations in another, especially when our hearts have been bruised. These guidelines give you opportunity and insight to change your glasses and see your own heart first as you respond to other person through the lens of compassion and care.

After all, it’s our own hearts that lead us in relationships and it’s our own attitudes that help make the daily rubbing of shoulders pleasant or irritating.

You can never do anything about another person’s responses or attitudes. You do not have the authority to change their glasses no matter how much you try. You can only change yours. Yet in changing the glasses you wear and choosing your outlook and your response, you will find yourself changing and those around you will respond differently as well.

It may be some of the very basic things in these guidelines that you need to begin doing. Waiting for one another before you eat. Being kind. Being tender hearted.

It may be more challenging to forgive another, to not build up complaints in your heart and mind toward another or to encourage and serve another.

These guidelines are all you will ever really need in your home and outside of your home as you navigate the relationships you hold dear. They come from the timeless truth of the Bible, God’s word to us. The best part is that God is the one who can restore kindness and gentleness within our hearts even when we don’t feel like it and can’t muster it ourselves. He is the one who can change our hearts and our minds and pour His love into us so that it can spill out around us.

May I challenge you to take the next 30 days and work through this list one at a time?  Ask God daily to help you specifically change your heart toward the one you find yourself in a challenging relationship with.

You will be amazed at the wisdom and insight you will receive as God’s peace begins to flow in your heart and in your relationship.

THE “ONE ANOTHER”s OF THE BIBLE

Mark 9:50 – “Salt is good; but if the salt becomes un-salty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

John 13:14 – “If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.

John 13:34 – “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

John 13:35 – “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:12 – “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

John 15:17 – “This I command you, that you love one another.

Romans 12:10 – Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

Romans 12:16 – Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Romans 13:8 – Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this–not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way.

Romans 14:19 – So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

Romans 15:5 – Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,

Romans 15:7 – Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

Romans 15:14 – And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another.

Romans 16:16 – Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.

1 Corinthians 11:33 – So then, my brethren, when you come together to eat, wait for one another.

1 Corinthians 16:20 – All the brethren greet you. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

2 Corinthians 13:12 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Galatians 5:13 – For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Galatians 5:26 – Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Ephesians 4:2 – with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,

Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of  you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 5:19 – speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;

Ephesians 5:21 – and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Colossians 3:9 – Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices,

Colossians 3:13 – bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Colossians 3:16 – Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

1 Thessalonians 3:12 – and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people, just as we also do for you;

1 Thessalonians 4:9 – Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:13b – Live in peace with one another.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 – See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.

2 Thessalonians 1:3 – We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brethren, as is only fitting, because your faith is greatly enlarged, and the love of each one of you toward one another grows ever greater;

Hebrews 3:13 – But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 10:24 – and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,

Hebrews 10:25 – not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

James 4:11 – Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.

James 5:9 – Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.

James 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

1 Peter 1:22 – Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:9 – Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

1 Peter 4:10 – As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

1 Peter 5:5 – You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

1 Peter 5:14 – Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace be to you all who are in Christ.

1 John 1:7 – but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 3:11 – For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another;

1 John 3:23 – This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.

1 John 4:7 – Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

1 John 4:11 – Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:12 – No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

2 John 1:5 – Now I ask you, dear lady, not as though I were writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that we love one another.

Take the next step:

Improve your communication with your spouse
Are you in a complicated relationship situation? Come talk to a mentor.

Freedom. What does the word mean to you? Many of us have never been incarcerated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are entirely at liberty to do and say what we want to. We can break the chains in our lives and be free in Christ. But sometimes those chains have a tight hold on us. How will you be set free?

Take the next step:

Be set free from the chains in your life
Are you struggling to feel free again? Talk to a mentor.
Feel like you’re being held captive? Remember your freedom in Christ.

Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home.  One of them is moved to improve as a father.  His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads.  But it doesn’t end there.  Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?

This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled.  The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat.  You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears.  The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.

The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:

Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.

This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back.  Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you.  Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.

Courageous opens in select theatres September 30^th.

Resources available

Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women.  Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families.  You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources

Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:

Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous

April 12th, 2009 forced a change in my life.

Change comes suddenly and without warning, often in ways we are not prepared for. A loss of a relationship, job loss, bad news, unwanted circumstances are all outside of our control. The change forces new challenges and opportunities to navigate the road ahead and forge on to allow God to lead us to new destinations.

If you are facing change in your life there are a few keys in making change your friend rather than foe:

1. Allow yourself time to heal emotionally, physically and spiritually from the shock of the unexpected. Making decisions to soon or for the wrong reasons can complicate your situation. The Holy Spirit can heal the brokenness and emptiness and bring wisdom in making decisions about your future.
2. Surround yourself with wise friends who will guide you and provide Godly wisdom. Be open and honest even transparent in the feelings you are experiencing.
3. Accept the fact change is a part of life and understand your setbacks can be followed by comebacks.
4. Know your steps are ordered by God and He has a plan and purpose for your future.
5. Understand that disappointments have meaning. If you separate the word dis from appointment it means cut off or separated from your appointment. Stalling in the land of disappointment will keep you from reaching the great and exciting destination God still has for your life.
6. Postpone major decisions but when you are ready aggressively take action to move ahead. Don’t allow  doubt or fear  to camp in your thinking.
7. Believe that nothing happens that God is not fully aware of and has provision to bring you into a new level of faith and wisdom.

Got change? Whatever change you are facing today God is still in control. The clouds will roll back and the sun will shine again. Change when accepted constructively will become deposits and investments that will become more valuable over time.

Take the Next Step
Coping with Change
Finding Peace in Troubled Times

Recently, several bloggers tackled a highly sensitive and debated topic— the need for women to attend to their beauty and appearance.

A Sensitive Issue for both sexes

Woman’s appearance is a sensitive issue, because from a man’s perspective, a wife’s effort to be beautiful for her husband speaks of her care and respect for him, and communicates her desire to be sexually attractive and available for him. Making a reasonable effort to care for and beautify herself is a demonstration of her devotion. In his view, a lack of effort in this regard demonstrates a lack of concern for him. Bottom line – whether we like it our not, it’s important to our guys.

When it comes to beauty, women react against the burden of expectation, the fear that they will fall short of the desired standard, the inevitability of decay, and the resentment that the script is different for men than it is for women. A woman wants to be loved and accepted as she is. From a wife’s perspective, a husband’s attraction to/desire for beauty can magnify her feelings of personal inadequacy and insecurity, and she may fear that his love/acceptance depends on her ability to measure up.

So who is right? The stalemate in the discussion often boils down to the fact that women resent the fact that men are so attracted to beauty, while men resent the fact that women don’t make the effort to properly attend to it. So how do we resolve the impasse? In my opinion, we can’t hope to make sense of the question until we view woman’s beauty and beautification through the lens of the biblical typology of gender, and the eternal, cosmic meaning of sexuality.

Beauty has a cosmic meaning

Psalm 45 is a song celebrating the marriage of a Hebrew king to a foreign princess. But it’s also a messianic prophecy pointing to the relationship between Christ the King and His Church-Bride. The Psalmist notes that the king “desires her beauty”, and that the princess, in turn, makes herself beautiful—“all-glorious”— for him.

Scripture uses this imagery to illustrate how we are to make ourselves beautiful for our King. The Lord wants us to clothe ourselves in fine, spotless garments of righteousness—in holy character and holy deeds. (Rev. 19:7—8) He wants us to be beautiful, and through Jesus, we are!  The great story of the gospel is that God gives us the opportunity to clothe ourselves in the beauty of Christ. He provides the beauty- and we don’t need to work or strive to measure up, nor do we need fear that we will fail to meet the standard.

So what does all this have to do with our discussion about female appearance? It has a great deal to do with it. We live—as C.S. Lewis coined it—in the “shadow lands.” The earthly, physical realities of our lives are but shadows—copies—of true and heavenly realities (e.g. Heb. 8:5; 9:24-25). The physical and temporal exist to point us to the spiritual and eternal. And nowhere is this more the case than in the relationship between male and female.

Human sexuality is a parable —a testimony to the character of God and to His spectacular plan of redemption through Jesus. This spiritual truth is so magnificent that God chose to put it on display permanently. Everywhere. Men were created to reflect the strength, love and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women were created to reflect the grace and beauty of the Bride He redeemed.

I believe that men are “wired” to be attracted to beauty in women because our Heavenly Bridegroom desires the beauty of His Bride. And I believe that deep down, every woman wants to feel beautiful and desired. This is the way that God has created us as male and female—and the illustration points to something far bigger than ourselves.

Beauty is more than a passing pleasure

Many scorn beauty as “a passing pleasure.” They think that the illusive, fragile, fading, temporary, and wrinkle-and-stretch-mark-prone nature of female beauty indicates that men (and women) should just “get over it” and focus on more important things.

Beauty is indeed a passing pleasure. But I think there’s a deeper meaning here that we dare not trivialize. The symbolic importance of beauty/beautification is not unlike the symbolic importance of marriage. Woman’s beauty, and all the broken, distorted ideas about it, will not so much pass, as give way—in the end—to that to which beauty points. There will be no marriage in heaven because the shadow will give way to the reality. Likewise, the illusive, fading, temporary beauty of women will one day give way to the breathtaking, spectacular, eternal beauty of the Bride of Christ.

The gospel doesn’t negate man’s desire to enjoy beauty and woman’s desire to be beautiful, but it does shift the focus of our attention beyond the symbol to that to which it points. When we consider the jaw-dropping picture painted by Scripture, it would seem that our Lord finds our desire for beauty not too strong, but too weak. We get all wrapped up with the earthly and the superficial and temporal, while the supernatural and eternal is offered us. Like an ignorant tourist who spreads out his towel under the picture of the umbrella on the sign, because he does not know that the sign points to the beach. We are far too easily pleased. (Again, a favorite C. S. Lewis thought)

Embracing beauty

Followers of Christ know that the symbol is not even fractionally as important as the reality. But they understand that it is not totally unimportant either.

So girls, let’s give the guys a break. Let’s stop condemning them for feeling attracted to beauty and wanting us to make a reasonable and sustained effort in that department. And guys… give us a break. Please understand how very personal and painful this issue can be for women. It’s very difficult to stay engaged in fighting a battle we know we are destined to lose. The beauty of our youth will inevitably fade. And most of us don’t have a hope of even remotely resembling the airbrushed model on the cover of the magazine.

In my opinion, the answer to the conundrum surrounding the discussion about female beauty is not to diminish or deny its importance, but to exalt and embrace the all-surpassing beauty to which it points.

Let’s always remember that the whole issue of female beauty is merely a signpost. It’s reminder to all of us—male and female—that the King desires our beauty, and that we ought to carefully attend to our character, and to making ourselves spiritually beautiful for that great destination wedding on the other shore.

Read more about Beauty:

Take our study on Beauty
Beauty: To What Extreme?

Sleek and chic, classy pieces with new daring combinations

A flashback to the 50s brings us sophisticated Hollywood elegance. Perfectly finished from head to toe, this look is about polished distinction. Look for dresses that go past the knee, skirt suits and three quarter sleeve coats. Bold accessorizes help achieve this elegant look.

Spring meets fall for the first time with dresses showing up in a mosaic of floral prints. The 60′s look returns with bold graphic prints. Hems are dropping… and dropping fast! Mid calf and floor length hemlines are a big departure from the ultra-minis seen last season. Side slits have made a come back in the winter dress. Add the sleeveless drop-waisted shift to your wardrobe this season.

90’s minimalism has made its way onto the runways. Tailoring builds the contours for this season’s fashion fair. Precision cut draping and structure defines jackets and trousers. Simplicity reigns with the return of the pencil skirts topped with a loose fitting blouse.

What’s hot when it comes to color and fabric?

Color abounds! Creamy coffee, camel, bright crimson, citrus and burnt orange along with the rich emerald jewel shades of jade and azure make their statement in the stores this season. These rich hues are found in coats, bags, belts, shoes and dresses.

Textures are mixed to add style and flare. Leather, faux fur, vinyls, feathers and brocades give a strong look. Velvet is everywhere in the fall collections. This luxurious and romantic fabric can elevate any look, taking your outfit easily from daytime to eveningwear.

Plaids in a tartan to a rustic weave are making their return. Check out the pleated schoolgirl skirt paired with a turtleneck. Stripes, checks, even polka dots are also a carry over from the 70’s.

Glamour abounds this holiday season. Sequins make a statement in a variety of colors and shapes. Oversize post it note sequins are iridescent fun and futuristic.

Trousers

Flare and wide leg bottoms with a high waist give an elegant look when worn with a loose satin blouse. Cropped or slim fit pants will still find room in your wardrobe this winter.

Accessorize

Layered necklaces add style to a simple neckline. Motif pins give flare to a classic outfit. Choker necklaces and cuff bracelets in gold, copper or silver add prominence and style to a dress in the back of your closet. Hollywood 50′s elegance dictates pearls, gloves and fur wraps.

Shoes are bold with choices from patent, suede and reptile skins such as python and croc. Colors are fun with the addition of fringes, bows or straps. Heels are tall with either a spike or a wedge.

The bag collections include a range from a patent clutch to reptile skins with chain handles. Have fun bringing life to a simple black dress with a crimson reptile bag and matching suede shoes!

Textured stockings are an easy way to add interest to a simple outfit.

This Season’s One Tip Wonder

Add a camel coat in a sleek classic silhouette to your outerwear this season. Camel is a chic and eye catching shade. Consider some faux fur trim to add warmth and interest. Every woman can wear this classic addition with great confidence!

One clear September morning my son packed up his car and headed off to college.

But my heart, my mother-heart stared sadly at that rumbling car as he drove away.  He turned and waved at the corner.  I waved back and blew a kiss.   A deep melancholy overwhelmed me.  A chapter of mothering had just turned that corner with him.  Well, that is, it had always looked like a corner, up until now.  In the clarity of the early morning air, I felt a certain kinship with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, when she proclaimed to her dog, “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” That corner was not really a corner it was a precipice, a great abyss, a free fall into the great unknown.

I was now the mother of an adult son, and mothering would look differently than it had up to this point.

What happens now?

Questions, doubts, like balloons, floated between my heart and my head, vying for attention, squeezing aside trust, obstructing peace.   Had we prepared him for the journey ahead?  Was he equipped to withstand the hard knocks, to make wise decisions, to be responsible?  Was his faith strong enough to walk him through the difficult questions that the future would bring?  What did my new role look like?  A hundred and one questions collided inside my head.

And then, quietly a bubble of faith floated into the air before me.  I reached out and took hold of it.

“I will never leave him, nor forsake him.   For I know the plans I have for him, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans for a hope and a future.  When he asks for wisdom, I will give it to him.  I have given my angels charge over him.”  And softly, gently, peace and trust returned to my soul.  A calm assurance pushed aside the melancholy.  “I will instruct you, and teach you in the way that you should go.”

Our Father is a parent to so many adult children.  He would instruct me.  He would guide me.  This same God of peace would also carry my son as he steered towards the hazy precipice of the future.  Oh, I knew that he wouldn’t sail through life.  No one does.  I knew that he might drag his feet at the bottom of that chasm more than once.  But I also had the calm assurance that God would not allow him to get stuck in the mud at the bottom, but would carry him on angels wings to fulfill the plans and purposes for which he was created.

My reverie was broken by the sound of a familiar distant rumble.   I glanced towards the sound, and caught the sparkle of the sun, glinting off my son’s car for just a brief second before he slid out of sight.  I smiled.  I almost had a sense that my prayers, like balloons, were wafting silently upon the morning haze, across the hilltops and were lifting him, carrying him into the future.  He had not fallen off the precipice.  He was being carried.

We can’t see the road ahead.  But, we know the One who can!  It is this One that guides our journey; that carries us through the melee of life.   It is also this 0ne that is always within our reach, waiting for us to inhale His truth, His love, His presence.  As we inhale His Presence, He lifts us up above the fears and mysteries of the unknown, and fills us with peace, wisdom, guidance and trust.

I stood to my feet.  As I turned to go inside, I glanced once more at the hillside.  A quiet refrain soughed gently in the breeze.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills –

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth. 

The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;

He shall preserve your soul.

The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in

From this time forth, and even forevermore.  

Psalm 121: 1, 2, 5a, 7, 8.  

Related:

Do you need to find shelter in God’s arms?
Trust God through the Seasons of Life

I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this topic.  In a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. It is not a physical need for women the way it is for men. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time!  Because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!

So often we lie there in bed, with this conversation running through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.

If we put a stop to that conversation and decide to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow.  As would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough so that you both feel connected and close.

So rest up, get the chores done, and de-stress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much better your marriage will be!

I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography.   Then it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. If your marriage needs healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too.  Commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.

Recommended Resources for healing from past issues

Article:

Healing from Your Past by Barbara Wilson

Books:

Wounded Heart by: Dan Allander

Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. Psychologists tell us that there are five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Writing out our life map begins to move us beyond denial to truth. That can make us angry. And it should. When we’ve been used and abused, or have fallen victim to wrong choices in our life, we experience anger. But often we direct our anger inward, causing anxiety and depression, or outward to the wrong people. Broken people intentionally and unintentionally hurt other people. Processing our anger in a healthy way is asking God to show us who shares responsibility for all that’s happened to us and the choices we’ve made.

The goal of this exercise isn’t to make us angrier, but instead to allow God to show us that we alone are not to blame. And then to surrender our hurts and anger to Him. One way we do this is to write anger letters to everyone God reveals who shares blame for what’s happened in our past, including our own choices. We didn’t have sex alone. We didn’t perform our own abortion. Although God wants us to acknowledge our part in wrong choices, there are others who need to bear some of the responsibility.

The goal of this exercise is to surrender our anger to God. To honestly express how other’s choices have hurt us. I encourage people to use ‘I’ statements when they write their letters. For example: “I was hurt, angry, sad, etc., when you ___________. Rather than make it a list of behaviors, it’s important to acknowledge how others’ choices hurt us and how that makes us feel.

But one word of caution. These letters are between us and God and not meant to be given out. The goal is not revenge or retribution, but healing and restoration. In some cases if God leads, we may give our letter to the intended person. But only after prayerful consideration.

Following anger, people often experience sadness or grief. This is normal. Anger is a huge emotion, and can be draining. When God removes our anger, the emptiness can leave us sad, resigned, empty. Don’t worry, this is normal. This is part of God breaking our hearts so that He can heal us. One caution for those who’ve struggled with depression, or are currently on medication for depression—please get medical advice if you feel that you’re slipping back under that deep, dark cloud. Or if the depression lasts longer than a few weeks. I know, I’ve been there. If so, you may need to get on medication, or increase an existing dose.

God uses the next step—forgiveness, to lift us out of our grief or sadness and move us towards acceptance. In addition to acknowledging where we need to ask for forgiveness from God for our part, we need to forgive others for theirs. I find it interesting that in the Lord’s Prayer, asking God to forgive us and forgiving others are related…as if one is contingent on the other…”and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt. 6:12). Miraculously, God uses this step of forgiving others to set us free from their hold on us. Forgiveness is the gateway to healing, and to the final step of grieving–acceptance.

Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.

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