Women-Experience Blog
Searching for Love
Shannon Culpepper grew up without a father’s love and approval. It thrust her into a life of searching and yearning for true love. Tired of chasing after someone who’s left you in the dark? Shannon finally found peace in Christ. Are you looking for peace that fulfills?
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How do you experience God’s love in your life?
Has love betrayed you?
Do you find it hard to trust God in your search for love? Talk to a mentor.
Starting Over
Are you in the middle of a moving your family to a new house, a new town, or maybe even a new state or country? I have a lot of experience with moving. As a single person, I moved from home to college, to Louisiana, to South Carolina, and then to Hungary. Ron and I set off to France as newlyweds. We moved from the west of Paris to Lyon, then off to Germany, then back to Dijon, and finally to the east of Paris where we stopped and took a breather allowing my son to start and finish at the same elementary school.
Until he was 6, we had never celebrated my son’s birthday in the same place twice. From France we moved to Orlando, then British Columbia, and finally to northwest Washington where we live currently. Did I just say “currently”? It’s exhausting just reading through that list.
While there is something exciting about moving, it is always a lot of work. Moving has forced me to forgo a lot of sentimentality as I purge, and I’ve found that it gets harder as I get older. Our kids, their schooling and their activities helped us to integrate more easily into our small town. Now our son has left for college and our daughter is more and more independent. After a certain age, most people have an extended family and an established circle of long-time friends. It is hard to break in.
Feeling rootless
We never imagined our life this way, but it somehow just happened. I certainly didn’t grow up like this. My parents married and after a short time away from home, they eventually settled in the southeastern town where they had grown up. They were born and died in that area, as were their parents before them. My husband’s parents still live in the flat in Chicago where he spent most of his growing up years.
We have always been gypsies, far from any immediate or extended family, and sometimes we feel rootless. At the same time, I would say our lives are in many ways richer for all the people we have encountered, and all the experiences we have accumulated along the way. But there are definitely times when I think how nice it would be to have family close by.
While I always managed to bumble my way through many of these moves, just like in any new venture, good advice can go long way toward making this phase less traumatic. Gina Roberts-Grey offers some great tips from her experience in helping families make that difficult transition go from trauma to adventure.
- Kids need information too. As much as you can show them where they will go to school, where they will play soccer. Help them to imagine what it will be like.
- Host a party. Invite the neighborhood kids over to your place to make it easier for kids to meet everyone.
- Explore together. When you get to your new home, go on an adventure to discover your new favorite places together.
You can read the rest of her article, “The Secrets to Successful Relocating” for more great moving tips.
Moving is always a hassle, but if you’re able to see the possibilities it can be an adventure too. If you are in the midst of a move and need someone to talk to, our mentors are always available.
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How to have a kid-friendly move
Get to know the neighborhood by volunteering
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Become a Mentor
What if you could be part of a growing ministry that helped thousands of people in the last year? The Mentor Center creates a safe environment where people with questions are matched with Christians who can answer them with the hope of Christ. Do you have half an hour a week to share Christ in an online setting while helping others? Consider becoming a mentor.
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She Doesn’t Want Sex
You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.
There are many reasons a woman may experience a diminished sex drive. Men and women are very different sexually. Women are emotionally driven while men are more physically driven. The stage of life can be a factor or there could be a physical problem. Fatigue is also a major issue for many women. It could be that she does not feel that there is enough true intimacy in the marriage. Emotional intimacy goes way beyond sex and needs to be in place for to engage. Yes, women are complex, but you already knew that!
Men are very visual and physically based. Men see what they want and are turned on. They are also driven by an accumulation of sperm that needs to be released in a timely manner, if not released it continues to build in a physical need/urge for release. Women do not have a physical counterpart for this drive. Women are attracted to a man based on how he treats her and the depth of her emotional relationship with him. Does she feel safe, loved, cared for, wanted, beautiful, helped? What is happening with emotional intimacy greatly affects sexual intimacy. All of these things and more add to her desire.
Outside influences
Her lack of desire may not be about you at all. Sex outside of marriage, whether due to one’s own choices or due to abuse, can be a big culprit for robbing desire in marriage. Oxytocin, a chemical released during orgasm will bond partners. (Refer to the book Kiss Me Again Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, to learn more about oxytocin’s role in sexuality.) Past sexual experiences, even positive ones, do have an effect on your current sexual relationship.
Don’t relate her lack of desire to the way you feel, because men and women are so VERY different on this topic. Interpreting her lack of desire as rejection is painful and dangerous when it may not be about you but about her and where she is at right now. It could be any number of things. If she experienced childhood abuse I recommend the book Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. For dealing with past relationships Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson is an excellent resource. Once the past is cleared up you can both move forward together!
It may be about you after all: the two of you
If there are emotional issues between the two of you this will diminish her drive. She needs to feel free to express herself in all areas. She needs to be free to be honest in her emotions, even if this upsets you. You need to control your response to her anger so she does not feel punished or abused. This can lead to freer expression in the bedroom as well. If she feels that she cannot be herself there is a break-down in true intimacy. Intimacy is about so much more than sex.
Resentment can be another emotional stumbling block in the pursuit of a woman’s desire. There could be any number of things she resents you for. It could be an attitude or action, current or past. If she resents you it needs to be resolved. It could be something you are not aware of, she may not even realize resentment is the cause. (A good counselor can be a gift in resolving these issues.) Things that get shoved under the proverbial rug are a major source of resentment.
If you think this is the issue, the two of you can sit down and have a heart to heart discussion. Ask her if there is anything now or in the past that she resents you for. Give her time to think and process. If nothing comes to mind right away give her opportunity to come back with an answer. Give her the freedom to have a long list or a short list to share with you. If the list is longer than you thought, be careful how you respond. You do not want to diminish this intimate interaction by reacting harshly. True intimacy includes honest interaction with both parties feeling safe to express themselves.
Be aware that if she has not felt free to express herself there may be a time period that the pendulum swings and it feels pretty one sided for a time. You may need to bite your tongue and take what comes at you for a while as she works on becoming more honest with her emotions and expressions. You need to provide an extra safe place while she learns to walk this new path. Her first steps will be tentative. Once this relating pattern becomes more normal the pendulum should land in the middle with back and forth interactions about how you both feel.
Marriage is not 50/50 contract, it is about meeting each others’ needs. This involves one spouse making sacrifices at certain points in the journey. That being said, one spouse should not make ALL the sacrifices, it goes back and forth over time. Being able to express oneself is important in marriage and sexuality in order to achieve true intimacy.
What is true intimacy?
True intimacy is the ability to express who you are and be accepted at all levels. Relationships get stuck at whatever intimacy level is forged when you start having sex. Sexual intimacy masquerades as a substitute for emotional intimacy. The right foundation is achieved when sexual intimacy is introduced after a couple is married AND has previously achieved the fifth level of emotional intimacy.
If sex is introduced at a lower level of emotional intimacy the relationship gets stuck in a lower level. Intimacy can only progress as far as both people are able to. For example if he can function at level five but she is stuck at level three the relationship will stay at the lower level, level three. Lasting love needs the ability to overcome emotional stressors and the real pressures of life, such as anger, conflict, stress, fatigue, etc. If your relationship is stuck at a premature intimacy level, it may show up in a wife’s lack of sex drive. Here is a basic list of the emotional intimacy levels:
Level 1: Safe communication (meeting a stranger in the grocery store)
Level 2: Others’ opinions and beliefs (my boss said. . .)
Level 3: Personal opinions and beliefs (I think that …. )
Level 4: My feelings and experiences (this is what happened to me – joy, pain, sorrow)
Level 5: My needs, emotions and desires (this is my deepest self, my secrets)
If this sounds like it might be an issue for you, there is hope. Going back and restoring the emotional intimacy can be done and will be very rewarding for both of you. To read a full article on the intimacy levels click here. The book I recommend is Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson.
Boundaries can play a big part in her waning desire
One VERY common issue for married partners is the difference in libido. Many couples do not agree on how often they should have sex. In fact many men express, “I want to have sex as often as I can and she seems like she could care less. What are we supposed to do?” For some men they feel a personal sense of rejection if she does not want to have sex with him. He may feel unloved and hurt by this perceived rejection.
A common response is to push more and become persistent to the point of demanding that your sexual desires be met; especially if you feel this is your “right” and “need”. She may feel backed into a corner and feel that she has no choice. This is especially true for a Christian woman who has been told that her body belongs to her husband and she is the only means of fulfilling his desire/need. Desire takes flight under these circumstances and makes a quick exit. People who feel pushed into something don’t have opportunity to decide if they really want it for themselves.
The problem with this scenario is that in order to be free to really say yes fully, one needs to have the freedom to no. The book Boundaries in Marriage, by Townsend and Cloud talks about this. They call it The Law of Motivation and describe it like this:
The law of motivation states that we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. No one can actually love another if she feels she doesn’t have a choice not to. Giving your time, love, or vulnerability to your spouse requires that you make your own choice based on your values not out of fear. HAVING to do anything is a sign that someone is afraid. Fear works against love. The “have to” destroys the “choose to”.
Putting this quote in context of feminine sexuality, means that her desire has a chance to grow and flourish when she feels that she has a choice and that her desire matters. Does your wife have a choice?
Finally, are your own sexually deviant choices affecting her?
This could be a wide range of behaviors. Men think in a compartment format. For example, he might think, “Viewing pornography has nothing to do with my wife, it does not affect my marriage, and therefore it is ok. What I do on my own time to relax is my business. After all men are, visual, so it is fine.” Wrong, wrong, and wrong! It does affect your wife. (Here is a video) Stop it! You may be able to view images and not compare her to them, (or maybe you cannot), but if she knows you have an issue with pornography (or sees you watching other women at the beach in front of her) she will compare herself to other women and guess who comes up short every time?! She does.
This is especially true of published pictures, because those models are all edited and enhanced. Real women, your wife included, hate this! If a woman feels compared to others, it is very hurtful and damaging to her, her self-esteem, and therefore your marriage. This feeling of inadequacy robs the intimacy from your marriage.
So if you are doing this or other deviant behaviors (there are many more than mentioned here) and wonder why she does not want to have sex, think about the scenario you are creating, from her perspective. Do you want her talking about how wonderful other men are and then expect to feel good about sex together? Do you want to wonder if she is thinking about someone else when the two of you are together? Sex is designed for two people to enjoy each other, bringing in a third party is not acceptable, images included! For more information on this topic see: Erosive Influence of Porn Upon Husbands, www.sexaddict.com, Pornography and Addiction
Support her in her journey
Take the time and initiative to support her needs, even if you don’t understand them. They may go against your needs and desires for a time, but the result is worth your sacrifice. Depending on what the issue is, she may need to take a break from sex for a time, or be the only one to initiate sex for a time. Realize that she has a need in this area and support her in the journey toward progress. This may include working on emotional intimacy that includes more sensual experience than sexual. For example, take time to cuddle naked and talk about sexual likes and dislikes, without the expectation that it to lead to sex. Create a safe environment for her to grow and express herself without feeling pressured or pushed, one where her desire can grow and have expression when it comes.
Recognize that the process may involve pain, but pain does not always equate to “bad”. Pain can indicate growth and be a very good thing. Other times it indicates that there is a problem that needs to be cared for. Be patient and supportive whatever the journey looks like in your marriage.
Note: This article deals with a wife’s lack of desire. If your husband is the one who does not want sex, read Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex and join the conversation.
Take the next step:
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Watch their video: The Sex Starved Marriage.
October 7: Recovery After an Affair
Infidelity doesn’t have to be a marital deal breaker. Recovering from an affair can be a long and painful process, but it is possible. Michele Weiner Davis, a marriage counselor, has advice for couples whether you’re just starting out or have been going through this for awhile. How will your marriage recover?
Take the next step:
Bring God back to the center of your marriage
Is your marriage in trouble? Talk to a mentor.
Feeling broken? Take this life lesson and find the strength to rebuild
Where is God in all this pain?
I’m a Married Man Struggling with Porn
It’s one thing to read all the stats about porn addiction and how many struggle with it but the bottom line is, how do we deal with it? Then there’s that lingering question: am I addicted or just struggling? If you wonder where you are at with porn check out the assessments at: http://www.sexhelp.com/sast.cfm. You might not think that viewing pornography is a big deal. If so watch this clip.
How do you deal with the struggle? It comes down to three things: triggers, pathways and what we will do about it. Triggers at the things that get your brain thinking about porn. Pay attention to what happens just before you go looking for porn. Are you bored? Tired? Has there been a lack of sex with your wife? (If this is the excuse to you for using porn check out what Dr. Doug Weiss says about it.
Next, look at the pathway you use to get the porn. How easy is it for you to get it? Boredom and tiredness are huge factors why men turn to porn so deal with pathways. Make it difficult to get to. Put internet filters on your computer. Do whatever it takes during the times you don’t feel the urge so that you protect yourself when you do. Go to www.xxxchurch.com or www.besafe.com for help.
Here is the crux of the whole deal: now that you have observed your triggers and pathways what will you do to change? Gary Thomas gave a challenge that made me wonder if husbands have the guts to take it on. What was his challenge? It’s this: when you are tempted by pornography do something to build your marriage by doing a service that honors your wife.
If you are thinking, “I can do that. No problem.” you’re fooling yourself. In fact it is a struggle greater than men want to admit. For me I have to admit I need strength that comes from outside of me. I make a request from Jesus. I need his power. Does it work? Oh yes, I dare you to try it.
Know your triggers and pathways. Deal with them or porn will slowly smother you and your relationships. If you are looking for some books check out: When Good Men are Tempted, Everyman’s Battle, Pure Eyes and Final Freedom.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Watch their video: The Sex Starved Marriage.
Are you struggling with porn? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Courageous
I was invited to see Courageous as a preview. I was looking forward to seeing a movie, because I love going to the theatre. The showing was scheduled for 10:30 a.m. At 9:00 we got a phone call that the house we were planning to moving into in less than a week fell through. We were really excited about that house! We thought God had miraculously provided. The movie flew out of my head as we went to see another house. My emotions were disgruntled, my kids were upset. It was a big change of plans and we had to shift really quickly.
“God what are you doing?” I wondered. The house had seemed like such a miracle, and now we were so disappointed. We said yes to the second house, but were still in grief over the first one. During that time the movie preview was postponed to 1:30. At 1:20 my daughter said to me, “Mom lets go to a movie.” I suddenly remembered Courageous and we ran out the door.
I was not expecting the range of emotions that Courageous took me on. I laughed, (really laughed) I cried (get-out-the-tissues-and-pass-them-down-the-row cried). I enjoyed it and the values resonated deep in my spirit. Values are very important to me and it was great to see a movie with such a strong message about priorities.
It brought me to tears
At one point during the film my eleven year old asked why I was crying. (Any parent will understand why I was crying, but it was lost on her.) I was crying because I love my kids SO much, and because we are SO rich because we have them. I cried because I miss my son and daughter who live in heaven. I cried for the reminder to appreciate my family and take seriously my responsibility and to laugh and dance and spend time with them. I cried because no matter where we live we are together and we have each other and THAT is what matters MOST.
I walked out of the theatre with a new perspective. We already have the thing that is the most important. I was still disappointed to lose the house, but chose to focus with gratitude on the great things about our new home instead. Perspective can make all the difference. I have recently learned that if we want to control our emotions we need to control our thoughts. It sounds simple but is hard to practice.
Courageous reminds us to focus on what is truly important: family, values, integrity. These are the things that last beyond the moment. I love my family and if we live in a shack and are safe and healthy, we still have much to be thankful for!
It takes courage to face both the daily things and the BIG things that life throws at us. This movie features several men who face both the big and small decisions with priorities based on family values. I was truly moved.
As a Christian who fully embraces the values of the film, I would love to see you all go opening weekend so that we can make a statement that good movies are wanted in our culture. This movie’s message is SO important for our culture. The next generation needs parents focused on character, love, integrity, involvement, and time spent together.
Get more tips on how you can be a better father:
Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous: Helping Dads Excel
Courageous: Helping Dads Excel
We put a lot of time and energy in our work – extra hours, extra effort to get the contract or meet deadlines. Hobbies can help give balance to the stress of our jobs, a needed outlet for creativity, or just release some pressure. These are both good things. But why don’t we put the same effort into our families? As Adam Mitchell says in the new movie, Courageous, “Jobs and hobbies are not eternal, our children are”.
Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home. One of them is moved to improve as a father. His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads. But it doesn’t end there. Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?
This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled. The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat. You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears. The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.
The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:
Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.
This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back. Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you. Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.
Courageous opens in select theatres September 30th.
Resources available
Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women. Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families. You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources
Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:
Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous
Who is Your Romantic Fancy?
When I was 9 years old I was in love with Chachi. I used to dream that I was just a few years older and I was asked to star in his TV show, and he kissed me and decided that he loved me. I would work out all kinds of different plots for the show, all of which involved him falling head over heels for me, because he was so wonderfully cute.
Ever have those kind of fantasies? We all do. The problem comes when they don’t stop when you make your marriage vows begin.
I know many married women who would never dream of cheating on their husbands, but at the same time they have a “crush” on some big star–either a sports figure or a celebrity. They have pictures of that man all over their FB page. They have mugs of him. They make constant references to him.
Recently I received this email from a woman exasperated with her friends. She writes:
Can you please tell married women to stop falling all over themselves praising other men? I’m sick of seeing married women talk about how “hunky” some hockey star is, or how “hot” some star is, especially when their husbands are sitting right there.
We’ve told men that we women don’t like it when they talk about how hot other women are, but we turn around and do the same thing! It has to stop.
I completely agree. I think something has happened to our society in the name of “sexual liberation”. In the 1970s, when feminism really got revved up, one of the things that the movement tried to do was to end the idea that women and men were somehow different. And so they started praising women for acting all sex-crazed, just like men. And it became a sign of women’s empowerment to say that a guy was “hot”, or to openly talk to other women about how cute someone was. While men weren’t allowed to do it, women were encouraged to do so.
Women now internalized that, so that we think it’s fun and harmless to idolize hockey players or football players or actors. But it isn’t! Even if your husband says it doesn’t bother him, it’s still wrong. The only one you should have eyes for is your husband.
We women often hear messages against romance novels, because these will wreck your marriage. In addition, I ask married women to, please stop posting about famous men on Facebook. And to stop buying jerseys of a particular player? And don’t tell your children that you like him, either! Instead, tell your children how much you love and adore their father.
You should be your husband’s biggest fan, not the fan of someone else. It isn’t harmless, even if you’re never going to meet the person in real life. It makes your mind go in the wrong direction, and it tells your husband and your kids that you’re not truly committed to loving only him.
Quite often making small changes in the long run make a BIG difference.
Let us know what you think.
This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.
Want more romance in your life?
Creative Parenting
How are you doing as a parent? God gives parents the special gift of children but it takes effort to raise them well. With the busyness of life, we can sometimes feel that we aren’t doing our best as parents. In this video series, Josh McDowell provides several creative parenting techniques to use with your family, regardless of where you have come from or where you are right now.
Take the next step:
How to keep your family first
Learn how to effectively pray for your children
Watch Josh McDowell’s “How to be a Hero to your Kids” video series
Are you struggling as a parent? We would like to pray for you.
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Media
What Do You Fear?
What do you fear, and why? Is it holding you back from realizing your full potential?
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