Women-Experience Blog
A Bunch of Hot Air
One clear September morning my son packed up his car and headed off to college. Oh, I knew in my head that he was ready for the next stage of his journey. Such a clear demonstration of maturity and wisdom is evident in almost any eighteen year old – what could possibly go wrong?! I repeated like a mantra, “He’s responsible. He’s good. He’s wise. He’ll be fine. I can trust him…. He’s responsible. He’s good…” And I knew that he was.
But my heart, my mother-heart stared sadly at that rumbling car as he drove away. He turned and waved at the corner. I waved back and blew a kiss. A deep melancholy overwhelmed me. A chapter of mothering had just turned that corner with him. Well, that is, it had always looked like a corner, up until now. In the clarity of the early morning air, I felt a certain kinship with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, when she proclaimed to her dog, “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” That corner was not really a corner it was a precipice, a great abyss, a free fall into the great unknown.
I was now the mother of an adult son, and mothering would look differently than it had up to this point.
What happens now?
Questions, doubts, like balloons, floated between my heart and my head, vying for attention, squeezing aside trust, obstructing peace. Had we prepared him for the journey ahead? Was he equipped to withstand the hard knocks, to make wise decisions, to be responsible? Was his faith strong enough to walk him through the difficult questions that the future would bring? What did my new role look like? A hundred and one questions collided inside my head.
And then, quietly a bubble of faith floated into the air before me. I reached out and took hold of it.
“I will never leave him, nor forsake him. For I know the plans I have for him, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans for a hope and a future. When he asks for wisdom, I will give it to him. I have given my angels charge over him.” And softly, gently, peace and trust returned to my soul. A calm assurance pushed aside the melancholy. “I will instruct you, and teach you in the way that you should go.”
Our Father is a parent to so many adult children. He would instruct me. He would guide me. This same God of peace would also carry my son as he steered towards the hazy precipice of the future. Oh, I knew that he wouldn’t sail through life. No one does. I knew that he might drag his feet at the bottom of that chasm more than once. But I also had the calm assurance that God would not allow him to get stuck in the mud at the bottom, but would carry him on angels wings to fulfill the plans and purposes for which he was created.
My reverie was broken by the sound of a familiar distant rumble. I glanced towards the sound, and caught the sparkle of the sun, glinting off my son’s car for just a brief second before he slid out of sight. I smiled. I almost had a sense that my prayers, like balloons, were wafting silently upon the morning haze, across the hilltops and were lifting him, carrying him into the future. He had not fallen off the precipice. He was being carried.
We can’t see the road ahead. But, we know the One who can! It is this One that guides our journey; that carries us through the melee of life. It is also this 0ne that is always within our reach, waiting for us to inhale His truth, His love, His presence. As we inhale His Presence, He lifts us up above the fears and mysteries of the unknown, and fills us with peace, wisdom, guidance and trust.
I stood to my feet. As I turned to go inside, I glanced once more at the hillside. A quiet refrain soughed gently in the breeze.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills –
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121: 1, 2, 5a, 7, 8.
Related:
Do you need to find shelter in God’s arms?
Trust God through the Seasons of Life
Become a Better Listener
Listening is complex. In its simplest form its something my dog can do. Effectual listening, however, requires more than your physical presence, because it requires you to engage your heart and mind to understand not only my words but the part of myself I am communicating to you. To me, being heard, with this type of care, is essential.
If I’m ever going to connect with people in my life to Christ, I need to be an effective listener. I must be able to hear their concerns, their heart, and their questions in order to connect their story with God’s story, and I must demonstrate a quality of listening that communicates love, value, and respect. What’s your listening saying about you?
Take the next step:
Are you a good listener? Become a mentor
Does Sex Really Start In My Brain?
I’m going to start with something really basic. Men want to be wanted. They don’t want to be placated. So when it comes to intimacy, we women need to step up to the plate a little bit more. You may think you’re meeting his needs because you’re making love a few times a week, but he won’t feel loved unless you put some energy and enthusiasm into it! That can be hard for us women.
I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this topic. In a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. It is not a physical need for women the way it is for men. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time! Because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!
So often we lie there in bed, with this conversation running through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.
If we put a stop to that conversation and decide to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow. As would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough so that you both feel connected and close.
So rest up, get the chores done, and de-stress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much better your marriage will be!
I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography. Then it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. If your marriage needs healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too. Commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.
Recommended Resources for healing from past issues
Article:
Healing from Your Past by Barbara Wilson
Books:
Wounded Heart by: Dan Allander
Sexual Healing – Grieving the loss exercise
Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. Psychologists tell us that there are five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Writing out our life map begins to move us beyond denial to truth. That can make us angry. And it should. When we’ve been used and abused, or have fallen victim to wrong choices in our life, we experience anger. But often we direct our anger inward, causing anxiety and depression, or outward to the wrong people. Broken people intentionally and unintentionally hurt other people. Processing our anger in a healthy way is asking God to show us who shares responsibility for all that’s happened to us and the choices we’ve made.
The goal of this exercise isn’t to make us angrier, but instead to allow God to show us that we alone are not to blame. And then to surrender our hurts and anger to Him. One way we do this is to write anger letters to everyone God reveals who shares blame for what’s happened in our past, including our own choices. We didn’t have sex alone. We didn’t perform our own abortion. Although God wants us to acknowledge our part in wrong choices, there are others who need to bear some of the responsibility.
The goal of this exercise is to surrender our anger to God. To honestly express how other’s choices have hurt us. I encourage people to use ‘I’ statements when they write their letters. For example: “I was hurt, angry, sad, etc., when you ___________. Rather than make it a list of behaviors, it’s important to acknowledge how others’ choices hurt us and how that makes us feel.
But one word of caution. These letters are between us and God and not meant to be given out. The goal is not revenge or retribution, but healing and restoration. In some cases if God leads, we may give our letter to the intended person. But only after prayerful consideration.
Following anger, people often experience sadness or grief. This is normal. Anger is a huge emotion, and can be draining. When God removes our anger, the emptiness can leave us sad, resigned, empty. Don’t worry, this is normal. This is part of God breaking our hearts so that He can heal us. One caution for those who’ve struggled with depression, or are currently on medication for depression—please get medical advice if you feel that you’re slipping back under that deep, dark cloud. Or if the depression lasts longer than a few weeks. I know, I’ve been there. If so, you may need to get on medication, or increase an existing dose.
God uses the next step—forgiveness, to lift us out of our grief or sadness and move us towards acceptance. In addition to acknowledging where we need to ask for forgiveness from God for our part, we need to forgive others for theirs. I find it interesting that in the Lord’s Prayer, asking God to forgive us and forgiving others are related…as if one is contingent on the other…”and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt. 6:12). Miraculously, God uses this step of forgiving others to set us free from their hold on us. Forgiveness is the gateway to healing, and to the final step of grieving–acceptance.
Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Sexual Healing – part 2
When we’ve been used or abused with sex, it damages our view of sex, ourselves, others and God. Part of the healing process will be seeing ourselves and sex from God’s perspective. God made sex. And He made it good, pure and pleasurable. But when sex has been a source of pain and wounding, it’s impossible for us to view it from God’s perspective; to see it as something good.
That’s essential if we want complete healing, and have the kind of emotional and physical intimacy God desires for us to have in marriage. Also, because of the bonds we’ve created with other partners, we need to trust God to sever those bonds so that we can have our bonding hormone restored, allowing us to bond fully in a present or future marriage. Healing restores all our relationships, because we’ll finally be able to reconcile ourselves to us. Being at peace with ourselves, frees us to be at peace with others.
Let the healing begin
For the past several years I’ve had the privilege of watching God heal hundreds of people from their sexual pasts. God led me to write a bible study for sexual healing, and through twelve chapters we lead people through a grieving process for their sexual pasts. I want to encourage you if God is bringing to mind things you’ve yet to heal from, that you’ll have the courage to join me and countless others in the following steps to healing:
1. Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past.
2. Grieving the losses we’ve experienced.
3. Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past.
4. Breaking ungodly sexual bonds.
Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past. Some wounds we’re aware of, but many we’re not, until we let God show us how our past is still hurting us today. When we let God show us how our past has hurt us, He’s able to heal our brokenness. But the first step and often the hardest is acknowledging what’s happened to us. And with abuse or trauma, often we can’t remember clearly what’s happened. But God knows our whole story, every detail. And when we give Him permission, He’ll show us our story. Here’s an exercise that can help you see your own story.
Grieving the losses we’ve experienced. Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. John Townsend and Henry Cloud in their book, How People Grow, say that “Grief is the one pain that heals all others. It is the most important pain there is.”[1]
Because many of us feel responsible for the loss, we often don’t feel we deserve to grieve. But the truth is, we do deserve to grieve, even more, we need to grieve. In fact God grieves right along with us. He feels our pain, bears our burdens. He even collects our tears, King David tells us in Psalm 56:8, “Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record?” And as we grieve, God is able to comfort and heal us. Here’s an exercise to help you walk through the grief process.
Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past. For many years I believed that God was the one who was heaping shame on me. I was certain He was disappointed with me, and no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness, I still had shame. But as I allowed God to heal me, I discovered that He did not see me the way I saw myself, the way the enemy tried to make me feel.
He did not see me as sinful, dirty and unrighteous. Instead because of what Jesus did on the cross, and my acceptance of His forgiveness, God saw who I was in Christ–holy, righteous, blameless, forgiven. Yet I’d been living out of the lie of the enemy. Once I saw the truth, the enemy could no longer deceive me with this lie. Here’s an exercise to help you see how God views sex.
Breaking ungodly sexual bonds. The bonding of sex is not only physical, but also spiritual, emotional and mental which includes the chemical and hormonal bonding that happens. Although we’d like to believe that breaking up and moving on severs that bond, in truth, only God can sever the ‘one flesh’ bond He’s created through sex.
The bible says that this bonding is a mystery. In other words, it’s unexplainable, supernatural, something only God can do. So it makes sense that only God can completely sever this bond. In this step we ask God to show us everyone we’ve created a sexual bond with, and write out a sexual history list. Then we pray through each name (or memory if we don’t have a name) asking God to sever the bond we’ve created—at every level, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. Here is the prayer to pray.
Really Good News…
Oxytocin is God’s super-human glue that is released in a man and woman during sexual arousal and release. When we’ve created bonds with others through sex, we can damage our bonding hormone, causing us to release less and less with each subsequent partner. But I have amazing news! Preliminary research is showing that as we heal, our brain heals, allowing us to release oxytocin again. Isn’t God so kind? Regardless of how our bonding hormone was damaged or depleted, when we let God heal us, He even restores our ability to bond. That’s what God told us in Joel 2:25, ‘I will repay for the years the locusts have eaten…” God promises to pay us back all that the enemy has robbed from us—even oxytocin. Here’s an excerise to walk through the process of breaking sexual bonds.
I want to leave you with one final word of encouragement. Its true…healing isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact it can be quite painful, and take longer than expected. But this I can promise: it’s worth the journey. I would never want to go back to where I was, broken, clothed in shame, stuck spiritually, emotionally and physically.
For 25 years shame was my constant companion. But when God restored me 8 years ago, that’s when I really began to live…that’s when I became free. What a feeling! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And it’s not just me. Everyone who’s had the courage to trust God with their pasts, regardless of how hard the journey, not one has ever said they wished they could go back to the way things were.
I’m praying that this is the day you’ll say yes to God, and begin your journey to a life of freedom. You’ll never regret it…I promise.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Free, private mentoring by email
Request prayer
[1] Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, How People Grow, 2001, Zondervan Publishers, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Pg. 206.
These books can help you on your journey:
The Invisible Bond
Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage
Break Free From Your Sexual Past; A Study of Freedom, Forgiveness, Healing and Hope (Middle English Edition)
Wounded Heart Hope for Adult Victims of childhood sexual abuse
The Wounded Heart Workbook: A Companion Workbook for Personal or Group Use
Sexual Healing – Life Maps Exercise
When we let God show us how our past has hurt us, He’s able to heal our brokenness. But the first step and often the hardest is acknowledging what’s happened to us.
One way to help see your own story is to write your life map. Divide your life into four segments based on years: 0-12 yrs, 13-19 yrs, 20-30 yrs, and 30-present. As you focus on each segment, pray and ask God to show you what happened during those years. What trauma did you experience? What happened sexually during these years? What other painful things happened during this time that may have made you vulnerable? As you work through each segment, God will begin to show you behavioral patterns in your life and how earlier experiences led to choices later in life.
After you’re finished with your life map, write out your story in a journal format. Trust me on this. There’s something that happens when we write things out rather than just keeping them in our thoughts. Hidden truths become clear. Everyone who’s willing to trust God with this step find it to be one of the most significant steps in their healing journey. It’s most certainly the beginning step.
Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Free, private mentoring by email
Request prayer
Sexual Healing – Breaking sexual bonds exercise
The bonding of sex is not only physical, but also spiritual, emotional and mental which includes the chemical and hormonal bonding that happens. Although we’d like to believe that breaking up and moving on severs that bond, in truth, only God can sever the ‘one flesh’ bond He’s created through sex.
1. Ask God to bring to mind everyone that you’ve created a sexual bond with—voluntarily or involuntarily. Wait quietly, allowing God to bring names to memory.
2. Write down on a piece of paper the name of every person. If you don’t know it, write a description of the person or event.
3. Ask God to show you His perspective of each bond. If the bond was created through your own choice, ask God to show you why you participated, and the part you played. If the bond was created through someone else’s choice forced on you, ask God to show you how that event affected you.
4. Pray that your heart will be humbled and your spirit contrite (Psalm 51:17) so that you will experience true repentance.Please note: If you’re praying for someone who’s sexually abused or raped you, you do not need to ask forgiveness for your violation of that person, because he or she violated you. However, you still need to ask God to sever the negative bond that has been created with this person.
5. Pray the following prayer with each name or incident:
“Lord, I ask forgiveness for sinning against you and against my own body. In the name of Jesus, I sever and renounce the bonds I created with _____. I release my heart tie with this person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I choose by faith to forgive _______ for their violation against me. Please forgive me of my violation against _______. Please remove the negative emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around with me. Restore to me a virgin heart—as though I’d never been with this person, and heal me completely of the damage this sin has caused me and my marriage. Thank you for your forgiveness. I accept it fully. Amen.”
Return to the main article for more information and four books that can help you on your way.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Sexual Healing – How God Sees Sex
Because many of us feel responsible for the loss, we often don’t feel we deserve to grieve. But the truth is, we do deserve to grieve, even more, we need to grieve. In fact God grieves right along with us. For many years I believed that God was the one who was heaping shame on me. I was certain He was disappointed with me, and no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness, I still had shame. But as I allowed God to heal me, I discovered that He did not see me the way I saw myself, the way the enemy tried to make me feel.
We need to use God’s Word to expose the lies we’ve ingrained about sex. We’ve all been contaminated by the world’s view of sex. Whether from media, others, pornography or sexual wounding, the enemy wants to pervert this holy gift of sex and keep us from experiencing the beauty God intended for us in marriage.
The greatest book on sex, love and marriage is in the bible. The Song of Songs written by King Solomon is God’s instruction book to guide us to His gift of marital love and sex. I encourage those in need of healing to read through this book several times, along with some great Christian commentators on the subject and let God’s truth expose the lies they’ve ingrained from your past.
God used this book to heal me from the damaged view of sex and men I’d brought into my marriage. My first sexual experience was not wanted and left me feeling humiliated, used and vulnerable. I didn’t realize until I went through my own healing that this negative view of myself, men and sex had followed me into marriage, keeping me from enjoying physical and emotional intimacy with my husband.
In fact, I viewed my husband in the same negative way as all the other men who’d used me. But as God exposed my lies, healed my wounds, and showered me with His truth, my view of sex and men changed. As God healed me, He healed my view of sex too. And the best part, it brought healing to my marriage, allowing me to enjoy the sexual and emotional intimacy I longed for with my husband.
Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Healing From Your Sexual Past
I’ve heard every possible story. In addition to hearing the stories of the women who come into our bible study for sexual healing, people email me from all over the world. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly hear anything worse, someone shares the unimaginable with me. The evil that people do to one another must break and grieve God’s heart, the One who made us in His image, and created us precious in His sight. I know, because it desperately breaks my heart to hear the pain, humiliation and evil people have caused these precious women who share their hearts with me.
I’ve discovered after working with hundreds of women that regardless of the cause of their sexual wounding—whether from abuse, trauma as in rape, sex-trafficking or from their own choices, they all experience shame. They all believe that somehow they were to blame. They feel that they caused it, they allowed it, they wanted it, they deserved it, they were stupid for falling for it—on and on the lies go.
It’s often the shame that keeps us from taking the first step towards healing. First, because we don’t want to share our story with anyone—for we’re sure others will confirm how we feel about ourselves. And second because the shame tells us that we’re not worthy of healing—not after all we’ve done, or allowed others to do to us. We believe that that is all we’re good for and that we’ll never deserve any better.
Doesn’t that sound hopeless? So sad? This is one of the biggest lies I hear, and it’s a lie from the pit of hell.
Regardless of what has happened to us, whether our sexuality was robbed from us, whether we were abused, used, or we willingly gave our virginity away, we are worth everything to God. We were worth our Savior’s sacrifice of His life, and regardless of how we’re treated, or what others say, God is the One who determines our worth.
It’s His opinion alone that matters. And He finds us loveable, worthy, precious and best of all, He wants us. He wants to know us, love us, be with us, and share His life with us. Sometimes that’s hard to believe if everyone in our life has wanted us for their own selfish motives. But you can trust God. He will never hurt you, abuse you or betray you.
Alexa
One young woman, Alexa, had been gang raped by some boys she thought were friends. The one friend had invited her over to his place between classes, and there waiting were for her were the other guys. She was alone, vulnerable, without a chance of escape. I was horrified by her story. But it was the next words out of her mouth that I’ll never forget.
“It was all my fault,” she asserted, as if I must surely agree.
Taken aback, I replied, “How could gang-rape possibly be your fault?”
“Because,” she assumed, “I shouldn’t have been so stupid to trust him.”
Can you hear it? The shame, guilt, responsibility? She was angrier at herself than those who’d violated her. And because she believed she was to blame, she never told anyone for the next three years.
Healing from Trauma
For those of us who haven’t experienced sexual abuse, we find it hard to imagine that anyone who’s experienced sexual abuse as a child could believe that the abuse was their fault. But I hear it over and over. In fact the first step of healing for the sexual abuse victim is to recognize and acknowledge that the abuse was against their will, and not their fault regardless of how their bodies responded. They did not want it, no matter what their perpetrator said. They did not deserve it, they were not to blame. Often the beginning and hardest step of healing is transferring the blame they’ve carried, from themselves to the where it belongs—on him or her who exposed them to sex, and used them for their pleasure.
With current rates of sexual abuse by age 18 at one in three to four girls and one in six boys, I know that many of you have experienced this trauma. And my guess is that most of you have resisted God’s call to pursue healing—maybe because of the very lies I’ve mentioned here. It’s time to say yes to God. It’s time to let Him heal your wounds and set you free from the lies surrounding your abuse.
You’ve suffered long enough. The shame and pain is keeping you stuck–spiritually, emotionally and physically from becoming all that God created you to be. There’s a world waiting to meet you…the real you. Not the one shrouded with lies and shame. But the you that only God knows. The you He died for so you could be free to love, live and serve with total abandon. I believe that although your heart’s desire is to help set others free, maybe God’s heart is to first set you free. Isn’t it time?
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Should a Child’s Room be Awesome?
When my children were first born, I did something radical. I didn’t really decorate their room. Part of it was a money issue; we had so little cash, and we were trying to save for a down payment for a house. I thought putting our money into an apartment sized washing machine would be a far better use of our funds than buying cute little Noah’s Ark wall hangings.
But part of it was also a conscious choice. I figured they were babies; what did it matter what their rooms looked like as long as they had a comfortable place to sleep with an interesting mobile above the crib to look at? So we bought a sturdy crib, a practical change table, and a rocking chair where I could feed them. Everything else was kind of boring. In fact, until my oldest was four we actually stored our Christmas decorations in their room, in a pile in the corner.
Here’s the clincher: I knew that throughout the day, they would be spending most of their time in the family room, not in their bedrooms. They would need to be where I was; so why put all kinds of money and time into a room that they really only used for sleeping? I wanted to keep the living room in our small house as fun for them as possible, so I often sacrificed some of the comfort in their bedrooms–where they rarely were–for the family space we all shared.
A cool room can be a bad thing
I think modern parents pay far too much attention to children’s rooms. We want to create a fairytale for them, but honestly, how important is that? I have seen 3-year-olds with televisions in their rooms. I have seen six-year-olds with video games and computers in their rooms. And it’s a big mistake.
When children hit the teenage years, they will need some privacy. Giving them a nice, bright, comfortable room where they can do homework, read, and practice an instrument or something is good. When they’re 8, they don’t need that. What they do need is an incentive to be with the family. We spend far too much time in North America cocooning in our own individual places than we do hanging out, all together, in common space.
I respect the urge to try to create a comfortable home for your child; I really do. It is admirable to want to provide for your child and to nurture your child. What I don’t agree with, though, is how our society comes to define “providing for” and “nurturing”. We think that this means that our kids should have access to all the latest gear. Really, I think nurturing our children means giving kids access to each other and to us. They need family far more than they need a television.
What happens when kids have a television in their bedroom? They sleep less. They gain weight. They score lower on reading and math tests. And perhaps most importantly, they’re more likely tostart smoking and get involved in other delinquent activities, even controlling for all other factors.
Living separate lives
While the health and educational factors are important, it’s that last one I want to talk about. When kids have televisions and computers in their room, they are more likely to make lifestyle and moral choices that you would not approve of. Why would you want your kids doing that?
The reason they do that is because their lives have now become more and more separate from you. Kids with TVs in their rooms live in their rooms, not in the kitchen or the family room, where they can hang out with you. And perhaps just as importantly, they tend to live solitary lives, not lives with their siblings. If you’ve ever wondered why our kids squabble so much, perhaps it’s because they aren’t forced to play together or cure boredom together. Instead, they just retreat to their rooms to be entertained on their own.
I really can’t think of anything much more destructive in a family than encouraging your child to coccoon, all without you. Kids need input from us. They need conversation. They need meal times. They need to have fun! But we’re letting them grow up by themselves, in their wonderfully decorated room with every little gadget. It’s wrong.
This year my family started enforcing family games night. We’ve had it theoretically for years, but somehow other things often intruded: meetings or dinner engagements or kids’ activities. Not so now. It’s every Tuesday night. I’ve stopped accepting speaking engagements on Tuesdays. The kids don’t work or get together with friends on that night. We have a great dinner, and then pull out the board games and laugh and laugh altogether.
Let’s provide for our kids. Let’s give them a great living environment. But that environment should not be in their own rooms, where they’re encouraged to spend time far away from the rest of the family. It should be altogether.
I find that my girls need to talk about the stuff of life, but that conversation usually only comes after we’ve been together for a while. They need to be comfortable opening up. After we’ve been goofing around or chatting or cooking together for a little bit, suddenly out will come this torrent of feelings about friends, or youth group, or their futures, or whatever. But it only comes after that initial bonding time.
If your lives consist mostly of gathering the children for the practical functions of life, like putting food on their plates or collecting homework or ascertaining everybody’s schedules, and then you separate during your leisure times, I doubt that kind of opening up will happen. If your children hang out in their own rooms, rather than in the family room with siblings, I doubt great friendships will develop.
So here’s an idea: think about how you want your kids to turn out. What values do you want them to have? How do you want them to act? Now, does your physical home reflect those values, or are you undermining them? If your kids cocoon, you’re undermining them. And maybe it’s time for a readjustment.
What do you think? Does your family have a central place where you hang out? Where is it?
This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.
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