Experience Blog
9/11 Ten Years Later
Warning: This video contains violent imagery and may not be appropriate for all audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.
I remember the day it happened, wondering if the world would ever be the same again. Ten years later we know that no, it won’t be. We all remember where we were that morning. Sujo John was in the north tower, his wife was due at work in the south tower. Ten years later the memories of that day are still just as clear. This is his story.
Take the next step:
10 Years later, I’m still waiting for “normal”
Life lessons from 9/11
I lived, now what? Lorraine learns to live with her miracle
Where is God when the world falls apart? Take a lesson.
Are you struggling with loss? We are here to talk to you today.
Female Beauty Matters
Recently, several bloggers tackled a highly sensitive and debated topic— the need for women to attend to their beauty and appearance. I published a post, extracted from my Girls Gone Wise book, which examined some Scriptural directives for women on what and what not to wear. I came under fire for focusing on such mundane matters rather than really important stuff—like comforting the sick and war-torn. I admit it. The topic of woman’s appearance is trivial compared to the war on the other side of the world – but given the reality of our culture, it’s a battle that hits much closer to home.
A Sensitive Issue for both sexes
Woman’s appearance is a sensitive issue, because from a man’s perspective, a wife’s effort to be beautiful for her husband speaks of her care and respect for him, and communicates her desire to be sexually attractive and available for him. Making a reasonable effort to care for and beautify herself is a demonstration of her devotion. In his view, a lack of effort in this regard demonstrates a lack of concern for him. Bottom line – whether we like it our not, it’s important to our guys.
When it comes to beauty, women react against the burden of expectation, the fear that they will fall short of the desired standard, the inevitability of decay, and the resentment that the script is different for men than it is for women. A woman wants to be loved and accepted as she is. From a wife’s perspective, a husband’s attraction to/desire for beauty can magnify her feelings of personal inadequacy and insecurity, and she may fear that his love/acceptance depends on her ability to measure up.
So who is right? The stalemate in the discussion often boils down to the fact that women resent the fact that men are so attracted to beauty, while men resent the fact that women don’t make the effort to properly attend to it. So how do we resolve the impasse? In my opinion, we can’t hope to make sense of the question until we view woman’s beauty and beautification through the lens of the biblical typology of gender, and the eternal, cosmic meaning of sexuality.
Beauty has a cosmic meaning
Psalm 45 is a song celebrating the marriage of a Hebrew king to a foreign princess. But it’s also a messianic prophecy pointing to the relationship between Christ the King and His Church-Bride. The Psalmist notes that the king “desires her beauty”, and that the princess, in turn, makes herself beautiful—“all-glorious”— for him.
Scripture uses this imagery to illustrate how we are to make ourselves beautiful for our King. The Lord wants us to clothe ourselves in fine, spotless garments of righteousness—in holy character and holy deeds. (Rev. 19:7—8) He wants us to be beautiful, and through Jesus, we are! The great story of the gospel is that God gives us the opportunity to clothe ourselves in the beauty of Christ. He provides the beauty- and we don’t need to work or strive to measure up, nor do we need fear that we will fail to meet the standard.
So what does all this have to do with our discussion about female appearance? It has a great deal to do with it. We live—as C.S. Lewis coined it—in the “shadow lands.” The earthly, physical realities of our lives are but shadows—copies—of true and heavenly realities (e.g. Heb. 8:5; 9:24-25). The physical and temporal exist to point us to the spiritual and eternal. And nowhere is this more the case than in the relationship between male and female.
Human sexuality is a parable —a testimony to the character of God and to His spectacular plan of redemption through Jesus. This spiritual truth is so magnificent that God chose to put it on display permanently. Everywhere. Men were created to reflect the strength, love and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women were created to reflect the grace and beauty of the Bride He redeemed.
I believe that men are “wired” to be attracted to beauty in women because our Heavenly Bridegroom desires the beauty of His Bride. And I believe that deep down, every woman wants to feel beautiful and desired. This is the way that God has created us as male and female—and the illustration points to something far bigger than ourselves.
Beauty is more than a passing pleasure
Many scorn beauty as “a passing pleasure.” They think that the illusive, fragile, fading, temporary, and wrinkle-and-stretch-mark-prone nature of female beauty indicates that men (and women) should just “get over it” and focus on more important things.
Beauty is indeed a passing pleasure. But I think there’s a deeper meaning here that we dare not trivialize. The symbolic importance of beauty/beautification is not unlike the symbolic importance of marriage. Woman’s beauty, and all the broken, distorted ideas about it, will not so much pass, as give way—in the end—to that to which beauty points. There will be no marriage in heaven because the shadow will give way to the reality. Likewise, the illusive, fading, temporary beauty of women will one day give way to the breathtaking, spectacular, eternal beauty of the Bride of Christ.
The gospel doesn’t negate man’s desire to enjoy beauty and woman’s desire to be beautiful, but it does shift the focus of our attention beyond the symbol to that to which it points. When we consider the jaw-dropping picture painted by Scripture, it would seem that our Lord finds our desire for beauty not too strong, but too weak. We get all wrapped up with the earthly and the superficial and temporal, while the supernatural and eternal is offered us. Like an ignorant tourist who spreads out his towel under the picture of the umbrella on the sign, because he does not know that the sign points to the beach. We are far too easily pleased. (Again, a favorite C. S. Lewis thought)
Embracing beauty
Followers of Christ know that the symbol is not even fractionally as important as the reality. But they understand that it is not totally unimportant either.
So girls, let’s give the guys a break. Let’s stop condemning them for feeling attracted to beauty and wanting us to make a reasonable and sustained effort in that department. And guys… give us a break. Please understand how very personal and painful this issue can be for women. It’s very difficult to stay engaged in fighting a battle we know we are destined to lose. The beauty of our youth will inevitably fade. And most of us don’t have a hope of even remotely resembling the airbrushed model on the cover of the magazine.
In my opinion, the answer to the conundrum surrounding the discussion about female beauty is not to diminish or deny its importance, but to exalt and embrace the all-surpassing beauty to which it points.
Let’s always remember that the whole issue of female beauty is merely a signpost. It’s reminder to all of us—male and female—that the King desires our beauty, and that we ought to carefully attend to our character, and to making ourselves spiritually beautiful for that great destination wedding on the other shore.
Read more about Beauty:
The Summer of Letting Go
This fall my 18 year-old son, my first-born, my newly minted young adult, will be leaving home to start university. I have never been an overly protective mother. Over the years, he has often left home, even for extended times. At 8 years old, he spent a week with members of our extended family whom he barely knew.
After that there were vacations with his best friend’s family, 2-week ski trips with his French elementary school, excursions to Quebec with his French class, and to Mexico on mission trips, all without me along. I always knew that my role was to “let go” and encourage him to try his wings so that when the day came for him to become independent, he would be ready. For years I have been progressively working myself out of a job, or at least gradually changing my job description.
The universal questions
But am I ready? The distant deadline somehow always approaches far too rapidly. All parents experience this, but does that make it any easier? Joel Achenbach, in his touching blog post, Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time wrote, “It’s not true that kids grow up fast. What is true is that it seems fast if you’re paying too much attention to other stuff.” After all the years of reminding our much younger daughter that we had years together ahead of us before Josh left for college, we now find ourselves hurtling toward the day.
I talk to other moms a little ahead of me on this journey, and I realize that I am the Universal Mother asking the Universal Questions. Will he wake up in the morning and get to class? Will he eat properly? Will he so enjoy the taste of freedom that he will forget why he has gone to college? Will he wash his sheets? Will he think to call me occasionally, or will I be reduced to reading his Facebook posts to learn that he is off rock climbing?
Then there are the Important Questions. Will he be safe, going from a small town where we don’t always lock the front door, to living in a big city? Will he make wise choices about priorities, money, and friends? Will we still enjoy the complicity that now exists between us? Will he continue to walk with God? Will the new ideas he will be exposed to shake his faith or help him to go deeper still?
I think back to my own departure at 18. Was my mom sad or worried? Probably, but I don’t remember. I was too excited about starting college, growing up, and the anticipation of new friends and new adventures to pay much attention. And while Josh admitted recently that his excitement is also tinged with a little anxiety, I’m betting that it won’t be long before he is immersed in this new world.
I will miss him terribly, but would I really prefer that he only aspire to stay here, in the safety and security of our home? The idea behind the movie Failure to Launch is comical, but not so entertaining for real-life parents whose adult son is still living in the basement playing video games. I don’t want him to be too fearful to step out by faith, on his own. This is exactly the goal I had in mind as I raised him. I say to myself, often, “This is good and right. This is how it should be.” I can’t stop him from growing up, and I shouldn’t try either. But I can prepare him for the day that we say good-bye. This is ultimately not about me. It is about him, his future, and his life. I need to let him live it.
Take the next step
Is your family changing?
Are you ready to let go?
Check out the book that Carol featured: Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time by Joel Achenbach
Love, Prayer, and Forgiveness
Christian marriages should be different. Why? The answer is because we have Jesus Christ. He enables us to have all the tools we need to make a marriage work. Three of those tools are: love, prayer, and forgiveness.
You may be thinking, “Hey wait, these aren’t unique to Christians.” But because of Jesus they are different in our lives. As Christians we know that God pursues us in relationship, it’s not merely us having a one-way conversation with a deity. With love and forgiveness it isn’t so much about our effort as it is allowing Jesus to love and forgive through us. There is a big difference when we try to do it on our own.
Love
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 (ESV). God SO loved. He so loved that he gave his only son to die for YOU. You need to remind yourself of this truth daily. He gave you that love to give to others. He continues to give you the love you need to love your spouse, even when you don’t feel it. If you pray for God to give you the love you need, He will answer. Go ahead try it.
Prayer
FamilyLife recognizes that many Christian couples don’t pray together and if they do they don’t pray about their marriage. Pray together with your spouse. Pray about your marriage. Pray for your spouse. Couples that pray together stay together. If you talk to God about your spouse, you start to see how God views him or her.
Forgiveness
God forgave us. Just like love, he gave us forgiveness so that we could pass it on to others. We can give our spouse the gift of forgiveness. Through God you can forgive your spouse for their wrong-doings. This is a gift for you and for them. Through forgiveness you can be free from bitterness, guilt and sin. Your spouse can know that even though they hurt you, you won’t hold it against them. You can accept an apology. How would does that feel when your spouse does that for you? Remember, you don’t have to wait for them to start, you can start today! It is up to you, for you and for your spouse. You will both benefit from this.
You have the tools at your fingertips. These are just a few. Will your marriage be different? Having God at the centre of your marriage, makes all the difference.
Take the Next Step
2011 Fall and Winter Trend Report
Sleek and chic, classy pieces with new daring combinations characterize this season’s report. Sophistication prevails in this glamorous fall and winter look of 2011! The influence of decades past makes the old classics new again.
A flashback to the 50s brings us sophisticated Hollywood elegance. Perfectly finished from head to toe, this look is about polished distinction. Look for dresses that go past the knee, skirt suits and three quarter sleeve coats. Bold accessorizes help achieve this elegant look.
Spring meets fall for the first time with dresses showing up in a mosaic of floral prints. The 60′s look returns with bold graphic prints. Hems are dropping… and dropping fast! Mid calf and floor length hemlines are a big departure from the ultra-minis seen last season. Side slits have made a come back in the winter dress. Add the sleeveless drop-waisted shift to your wardrobe this season.
90’s minimalism has made its way onto the runways. Tailoring builds the contours for this season’s fashion fair. Precision cut draping and structure defines jackets and trousers. Simplicity reigns with the return of the pencil skirts topped with a loose fitting blouse.
What’s hot when it comes to color and fabric?
Color abounds! Creamy coffee, camel, bright crimson, citrus and burnt orange along with the rich emerald jewel shades of jade and azure make their statement in the stores this season. These rich hues are found in coats, bags, belts, shoes and dresses.
Textures are mixed to add style and flare. Leather, faux fur, vinyls, feathers and brocades give a strong look. Velvet is everywhere in the fall collections. This luxurious and romantic fabric can elevate any look, taking your outfit easily from daytime to eveningwear.
Plaids in a tartan to a rustic weave are making their return. Check out the pleated schoolgirl skirt paired with a turtleneck. Stripes, checks, even polka dots are also a carry over from the 70’s.
Glamour abounds this holiday season. Sequins make a statement in a variety of colors and shapes. Oversize post it note sequins are iridescent fun and futuristic.
Trousers
Flare and wide leg bottoms with a high waist give an elegant look when worn with a loose satin blouse. Cropped or slim fit pants will still find room in your wardrobe this winter.
Accessorize
Layered necklaces add style to a simple neckline. Motif pins give flare to a classic outfit. Choker necklaces and cuff bracelets in gold, copper or silver add prominence and style to a dress in the back of your closet. Hollywood 50′s elegance dictates pearls, gloves and fur wraps.
Shoes are bold with choices from patent, suede and reptile skins such as python and croc. Colors are fun with the addition of fringes, bows or straps. Heels are tall with either a spike or a wedge.
The bag collections include a range from a patent clutch to reptile skins with chain handles. Have fun bringing life to a simple black dress with a crimson reptile bag and matching suede shoes!
Textured stockings are an easy way to add interest to a simple outfit.
This Season’s One Tip Wonder
Add a camel coat in a sleek classic silhouette to your outerwear this season. Camel is a chic and eye catching shade. Consider some faux fur trim to add warmth and interest. Every woman can wear this classic addition with great confidence!
A Bunch of Hot Air
One clear September morning my son packed up his car and headed off to college. Oh, I knew in my head that he was ready for the next stage of his journey. Such a clear demonstration of maturity and wisdom is evident in almost any eighteen year old – what could possibly go wrong?! I repeated like a mantra, “He’s responsible. He’s good. He’s wise. He’ll be fine. I can trust him…. He’s responsible. He’s good…” And I knew that he was.
But my heart, my mother-heart stared sadly at that rumbling car as he drove away. He turned and waved at the corner. I waved back and blew a kiss. A deep melancholy overwhelmed me. A chapter of mothering had just turned that corner with him. Well, that is, it had always looked like a corner, up until now. In the clarity of the early morning air, I felt a certain kinship with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, when she proclaimed to her dog, “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” That corner was not really a corner it was a precipice, a great abyss, a free fall into the great unknown.
I was now the mother of an adult son, and mothering would look differently than it had up to this point.
What happens now?
Questions, doubts, like balloons, floated between my heart and my head, vying for attention, squeezing aside trust, obstructing peace. Had we prepared him for the journey ahead? Was he equipped to withstand the hard knocks, to make wise decisions, to be responsible? Was his faith strong enough to walk him through the difficult questions that the future would bring? What did my new role look like? A hundred and one questions collided inside my head.
And then, quietly a bubble of faith floated into the air before me. I reached out and took hold of it.
“I will never leave him, nor forsake him. For I know the plans I have for him, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans for a hope and a future. When he asks for wisdom, I will give it to him. I have given my angels charge over him.” And softly, gently, peace and trust returned to my soul. A calm assurance pushed aside the melancholy. “I will instruct you, and teach you in the way that you should go.”
Our Father is a parent to so many adult children. He would instruct me. He would guide me. This same God of peace would also carry my son as he steered towards the hazy precipice of the future. Oh, I knew that he wouldn’t sail through life. No one does. I knew that he might drag his feet at the bottom of that chasm more than once. But I also had the calm assurance that God would not allow him to get stuck in the mud at the bottom, but would carry him on angels wings to fulfill the plans and purposes for which he was created.
My reverie was broken by the sound of a familiar distant rumble. I glanced towards the sound, and caught the sparkle of the sun, glinting off my son’s car for just a brief second before he slid out of sight. I smiled. I almost had a sense that my prayers, like balloons, were wafting silently upon the morning haze, across the hilltops and were lifting him, carrying him into the future. He had not fallen off the precipice. He was being carried.
We can’t see the road ahead. But, we know the One who can! It is this One that guides our journey; that carries us through the melee of life. It is also this 0ne that is always within our reach, waiting for us to inhale His truth, His love, His presence. As we inhale His Presence, He lifts us up above the fears and mysteries of the unknown, and fills us with peace, wisdom, guidance and trust.
I stood to my feet. As I turned to go inside, I glanced once more at the hillside. A quiet refrain soughed gently in the breeze.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills –
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121: 1, 2, 5a, 7, 8.
Related:
Do you need to find shelter in God’s arms?
Trust God through the Seasons of Life
Become a Better Listener
Listening is complex. In its simplest form its something my dog can do. Effectual listening, however, requires more than your physical presence, because it requires you to engage your heart and mind to understand not only my words but the part of myself I am communicating to you. To me, being heard, with this type of care, is essential.
If I’m ever going to connect with people in my life to Christ, I need to be an effective listener. I must be able to hear their concerns, their heart, and their questions in order to connect their story with God’s story, and I must demonstrate a quality of listening that communicates love, value, and respect. What’s your listening saying about you?
Take the next step:
Are you a good listener? Become a mentor
Does Sex Really Start In My Brain?
I’m going to start with something really basic. Men want to be wanted. They don’t want to be placated. So when it comes to intimacy, we women need to step up to the plate a little bit more. You may think you’re meeting his needs because you’re making love a few times a week, but he won’t feel loved unless you put some energy and enthusiasm into it! That can be hard for us women.
I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this topic. In a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. It is not a physical need for women the way it is for men. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time! Because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!
So often we lie there in bed, with this conversation running through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.
If we put a stop to that conversation and decide to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow. As would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough so that you both feel connected and close.
So rest up, get the chores done, and de-stress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much better your marriage will be!
I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography. Then it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. If your marriage needs healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too. Commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.
Recommended Resources for healing from past issues
Article:
Healing from Your Past by Barbara Wilson
Books:
Wounded Heart by: Dan Allander
Sexual Healing – Grieving the loss exercise
Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. Psychologists tell us that there are five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Writing out our life map begins to move us beyond denial to truth. That can make us angry. And it should. When we’ve been used and abused, or have fallen victim to wrong choices in our life, we experience anger. But often we direct our anger inward, causing anxiety and depression, or outward to the wrong people. Broken people intentionally and unintentionally hurt other people. Processing our anger in a healthy way is asking God to show us who shares responsibility for all that’s happened to us and the choices we’ve made.
The goal of this exercise isn’t to make us angrier, but instead to allow God to show us that we alone are not to blame. And then to surrender our hurts and anger to Him. One way we do this is to write anger letters to everyone God reveals who shares blame for what’s happened in our past, including our own choices. We didn’t have sex alone. We didn’t perform our own abortion. Although God wants us to acknowledge our part in wrong choices, there are others who need to bear some of the responsibility.
The goal of this exercise is to surrender our anger to God. To honestly express how other’s choices have hurt us. I encourage people to use ‘I’ statements when they write their letters. For example: “I was hurt, angry, sad, etc., when you ___________. Rather than make it a list of behaviors, it’s important to acknowledge how others’ choices hurt us and how that makes us feel.
But one word of caution. These letters are between us and God and not meant to be given out. The goal is not revenge or retribution, but healing and restoration. In some cases if God leads, we may give our letter to the intended person. But only after prayerful consideration.
Following anger, people often experience sadness or grief. This is normal. Anger is a huge emotion, and can be draining. When God removes our anger, the emptiness can leave us sad, resigned, empty. Don’t worry, this is normal. This is part of God breaking our hearts so that He can heal us. One caution for those who’ve struggled with depression, or are currently on medication for depression—please get medical advice if you feel that you’re slipping back under that deep, dark cloud. Or if the depression lasts longer than a few weeks. I know, I’ve been there. If so, you may need to get on medication, or increase an existing dose.
God uses the next step—forgiveness, to lift us out of our grief or sadness and move us towards acceptance. In addition to acknowledging where we need to ask for forgiveness from God for our part, we need to forgive others for theirs. I find it interesting that in the Lord’s Prayer, asking God to forgive us and forgiving others are related…as if one is contingent on the other…”and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt. 6:12). Miraculously, God uses this step of forgiving others to set us free from their hold on us. Forgiveness is the gateway to healing, and to the final step of grieving–acceptance.
Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Sexual Healing – part 2
When we’ve been used or abused with sex, it damages our view of sex, ourselves, others and God. Part of the healing process will be seeing ourselves and sex from God’s perspective. God made sex. And He made it good, pure and pleasurable. But when sex has been a source of pain and wounding, it’s impossible for us to view it from God’s perspective; to see it as something good.
That’s essential if we want complete healing, and have the kind of emotional and physical intimacy God desires for us to have in marriage. Also, because of the bonds we’ve created with other partners, we need to trust God to sever those bonds so that we can have our bonding hormone restored, allowing us to bond fully in a present or future marriage. Healing restores all our relationships, because we’ll finally be able to reconcile ourselves to us. Being at peace with ourselves, frees us to be at peace with others.
Let the healing begin
For the past several years I’ve had the privilege of watching God heal hundreds of people from their sexual pasts. God led me to write a bible study for sexual healing, and through twelve chapters we lead people through a grieving process for their sexual pasts. I want to encourage you if God is bringing to mind things you’ve yet to heal from, that you’ll have the courage to join me and countless others in the following steps to healing:
1. Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past.
2. Grieving the losses we’ve experienced.
3. Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past.
4. Breaking ungodly sexual bonds.
Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past. Some wounds we’re aware of, but many we’re not, until we let God show us how our past is still hurting us today. When we let God show us how our past has hurt us, He’s able to heal our brokenness. But the first step and often the hardest is acknowledging what’s happened to us. And with abuse or trauma, often we can’t remember clearly what’s happened. But God knows our whole story, every detail. And when we give Him permission, He’ll show us our story. Here’s an exercise that can help you see your own story.
Grieving the losses we’ve experienced. Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. John Townsend and Henry Cloud in their book, How People Grow, say that “Grief is the one pain that heals all others. It is the most important pain there is.”[1]
Because many of us feel responsible for the loss, we often don’t feel we deserve to grieve. But the truth is, we do deserve to grieve, even more, we need to grieve. In fact God grieves right along with us. He feels our pain, bears our burdens. He even collects our tears, King David tells us in Psalm 56:8, “Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record?” And as we grieve, God is able to comfort and heal us. Here’s an exercise to help you walk through the grief process.
Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past. For many years I believed that God was the one who was heaping shame on me. I was certain He was disappointed with me, and no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness, I still had shame. But as I allowed God to heal me, I discovered that He did not see me the way I saw myself, the way the enemy tried to make me feel.
He did not see me as sinful, dirty and unrighteous. Instead because of what Jesus did on the cross, and my acceptance of His forgiveness, God saw who I was in Christ–holy, righteous, blameless, forgiven. Yet I’d been living out of the lie of the enemy. Once I saw the truth, the enemy could no longer deceive me with this lie. Here’s an exercise to help you see how God views sex.
Breaking ungodly sexual bonds. The bonding of sex is not only physical, but also spiritual, emotional and mental which includes the chemical and hormonal bonding that happens. Although we’d like to believe that breaking up and moving on severs that bond, in truth, only God can sever the ‘one flesh’ bond He’s created through sex.
The bible says that this bonding is a mystery. In other words, it’s unexplainable, supernatural, something only God can do. So it makes sense that only God can completely sever this bond. In this step we ask God to show us everyone we’ve created a sexual bond with, and write out a sexual history list. Then we pray through each name (or memory if we don’t have a name) asking God to sever the bond we’ve created—at every level, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. Here is the prayer to pray.
Really Good News…
Oxytocin is God’s super-human glue that is released in a man and woman during sexual arousal and release. When we’ve created bonds with others through sex, we can damage our bonding hormone, causing us to release less and less with each subsequent partner. But I have amazing news! Preliminary research is showing that as we heal, our brain heals, allowing us to release oxytocin again. Isn’t God so kind? Regardless of how our bonding hormone was damaged or depleted, when we let God heal us, He even restores our ability to bond. That’s what God told us in Joel 2:25, ‘I will repay for the years the locusts have eaten…” God promises to pay us back all that the enemy has robbed from us—even oxytocin. Here’s an excerise to walk through the process of breaking sexual bonds.
I want to leave you with one final word of encouragement. Its true…healing isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact it can be quite painful, and take longer than expected. But this I can promise: it’s worth the journey. I would never want to go back to where I was, broken, clothed in shame, stuck spiritually, emotionally and physically.
For 25 years shame was my constant companion. But when God restored me 8 years ago, that’s when I really began to live…that’s when I became free. What a feeling! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And it’s not just me. Everyone who’s had the courage to trust God with their pasts, regardless of how hard the journey, not one has ever said they wished they could go back to the way things were.
I’m praying that this is the day you’ll say yes to God, and begin your journey to a life of freedom. You’ll never regret it…I promise.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Free, private mentoring by email
Request prayer
[1] Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, How People Grow, 2001, Zondervan Publishers, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Pg. 206.
These books can help you on your journey:
The Invisible Bond
Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage
Break Free From Your Sexual Past; A Study of Freedom, Forgiveness, Healing and Hope (Middle English Edition)
Wounded Heart Hope for Adult Victims of childhood sexual abuse
The Wounded Heart Workbook: A Companion Workbook for Personal or Group Use
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What Do You Fear?
What do you fear, and why? Is it holding you back from realizing your full potential?
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Do you crave destiny? (Part 2)
Destiny? Is this really me? Was I really born for great things?
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