Experience Blog
Sexual Healing – Life Maps Exercise
When we let God show us how our past has hurt us, He’s able to heal our brokenness. But the first step and often the hardest is acknowledging what’s happened to us.
One way to help see your own story is to write your life map. Divide your life into four segments based on years: 0-12 yrs, 13-19 yrs, 20-30 yrs, and 30-present. As you focus on each segment, pray and ask God to show you what happened during those years. What trauma did you experience? What happened sexually during these years? What other painful things happened during this time that may have made you vulnerable? As you work through each segment, God will begin to show you behavioral patterns in your life and how earlier experiences led to choices later in life.
After you’re finished with your life map, write out your story in a journal format. Trust me on this. There’s something that happens when we write things out rather than just keeping them in our thoughts. Hidden truths become clear. Everyone who’s willing to trust God with this step find it to be one of the most significant steps in their healing journey. It’s most certainly the beginning step.
Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.
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Sexual Healing – How God Sees Sex
Because many of us feel responsible for the loss, we often don’t feel we deserve to grieve. But the truth is, we do deserve to grieve, even more, we need to grieve. In fact God grieves right along with us. For many years I believed that God was the one who was heaping shame on me. I was certain He was disappointed with me, and no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness, I still had shame. But as I allowed God to heal me, I discovered that He did not see me the way I saw myself, the way the enemy tried to make me feel.
We need to use God’s Word to expose the lies we’ve ingrained about sex. We’ve all been contaminated by the world’s view of sex. Whether from media, others, pornography or sexual wounding, the enemy wants to pervert this holy gift of sex and keep us from experiencing the beauty God intended for us in marriage.
The greatest book on sex, love and marriage is in the bible. The Song of Songs written by King Solomon is God’s instruction book to guide us to His gift of marital love and sex. I encourage those in need of healing to read through this book several times, along with some great Christian commentators on the subject and let God’s truth expose the lies they’ve ingrained from your past.
God used this book to heal me from the damaged view of sex and men I’d brought into my marriage. My first sexual experience was not wanted and left me feeling humiliated, used and vulnerable. I didn’t realize until I went through my own healing that this negative view of myself, men and sex had followed me into marriage, keeping me from enjoying physical and emotional intimacy with my husband.
In fact, I viewed my husband in the same negative way as all the other men who’d used me. But as God exposed my lies, healed my wounds, and showered me with His truth, my view of sex and men changed. As God healed me, He healed my view of sex too. And the best part, it brought healing to my marriage, allowing me to enjoy the sexual and emotional intimacy I longed for with my husband.
Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.
When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:
Healing From Your Sexual Past
I’ve heard every possible story. In addition to hearing the stories of the women who come into our bible study for sexual healing, people email me from all over the world. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly hear anything worse, someone shares the unimaginable with me. The evil that people do to one another must break and grieve God’s heart, the One who made us in His image, and created us precious in His sight. I know, because it desperately breaks my heart to hear the pain, humiliation and evil people have caused these precious women who share their hearts with me.
I’ve discovered after working with hundreds of women that regardless of the cause of their sexual wounding—whether from abuse, trauma as in rape, sex-trafficking or from their own choices, they all experience shame. They all believe that somehow they were to blame. They feel that they caused it, they allowed it, they wanted it, they deserved it, they were stupid for falling for it—on and on the lies go.
It’s often the shame that keeps us from taking the first step towards healing. First, because we don’t want to share our story with anyone—for we’re sure others will confirm how we feel about ourselves. And second because the shame tells us that we’re not worthy of healing—not after all we’ve done, or allowed others to do to us. We believe that that is all we’re good for and that we’ll never deserve any better.
Doesn’t that sound hopeless? So sad? This is one of the biggest lies I hear, and it’s a lie from the pit of hell.
Regardless of what has happened to us, whether our sexuality was robbed from us, whether we were abused, used, or we willingly gave our virginity away, we are worth everything to God. We were worth our Savior’s sacrifice of His life, and regardless of how we’re treated, or what others say, God is the One who determines our worth.
It’s His opinion alone that matters. And He finds us loveable, worthy, precious and best of all, He wants us. He wants to know us, love us, be with us, and share His life with us. Sometimes that’s hard to believe if everyone in our life has wanted us for their own selfish motives. But you can trust God. He will never hurt you, abuse you or betray you.
Alexa
One young woman, Alexa, had been gang raped by some boys she thought were friends. The one friend had invited her over to his place between classes, and there waiting were for her were the other guys. She was alone, vulnerable, without a chance of escape. I was horrified by her story. But it was the next words out of her mouth that I’ll never forget.
“It was all my fault,” she asserted, as if I must surely agree.
Taken aback, I replied, “How could gang-rape possibly be your fault?”
“Because,” she assumed, “I shouldn’t have been so stupid to trust him.”
Can you hear it? The shame, guilt, responsibility? She was angrier at herself than those who’d violated her. And because she believed she was to blame, she never told anyone for the next three years.
Healing from Trauma
For those of us who haven’t experienced sexual abuse, we find it hard to imagine that anyone who’s experienced sexual abuse as a child could believe that the abuse was their fault. But I hear it over and over. In fact the first step of healing for the sexual abuse victim is to recognize and acknowledge that the abuse was against their will, and not their fault regardless of how their bodies responded. They did not want it, no matter what their perpetrator said. They did not deserve it, they were not to blame. Often the beginning and hardest step of healing is transferring the blame they’ve carried, from themselves to the where it belongs—on him or her who exposed them to sex, and used them for their pleasure.
With current rates of sexual abuse by age 18 at one in three to four girls and one in six boys, I know that many of you have experienced this trauma. And my guess is that most of you have resisted God’s call to pursue healing—maybe because of the very lies I’ve mentioned here. It’s time to say yes to God. It’s time to let Him heal your wounds and set you free from the lies surrounding your abuse.
You’ve suffered long enough. The shame and pain is keeping you stuck–spiritually, emotionally and physically from becoming all that God created you to be. There’s a world waiting to meet you…the real you. Not the one shrouded with lies and shame. But the you that only God knows. The you He died for so you could be free to love, live and serve with total abandon. I believe that although your heart’s desire is to help set others free, maybe God’s heart is to first set you free. Isn’t it time?
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Should a Child’s Room be Awesome?
When my children were first born, I did something radical. I didn’t really decorate their room. Part of it was a money issue; we had so little cash, and we were trying to save for a down payment for a house. I thought putting our money into an apartment sized washing machine would be a far better use of our funds than buying cute little Noah’s Ark wall hangings.
But part of it was also a conscious choice. I figured they were babies; what did it matter what their rooms looked like as long as they had a comfortable place to sleep with an interesting mobile above the crib to look at? So we bought a sturdy crib, a practical change table, and a rocking chair where I could feed them. Everything else was kind of boring. In fact, until my oldest was four we actually stored our Christmas decorations in their room, in a pile in the corner.
Here’s the clincher: I knew that throughout the day, they would be spending most of their time in the family room, not in their bedrooms. They would need to be where I was; so why put all kinds of money and time into a room that they really only used for sleeping? I wanted to keep the living room in our small house as fun for them as possible, so I often sacrificed some of the comfort in their bedrooms–where they rarely were–for the family space we all shared.
A cool room can be a bad thing
I think modern parents pay far too much attention to children’s rooms. We want to create a fairytale for them, but honestly, how important is that? I have seen 3-year-olds with televisions in their rooms. I have seen six-year-olds with video games and computers in their rooms. And it’s a big mistake.
When children hit the teenage years, they will need some privacy. Giving them a nice, bright, comfortable room where they can do homework, read, and practice an instrument or something is good. When they’re 8, they don’t need that. What they do need is an incentive to be with the family. We spend far too much time in North America cocooning in our own individual places than we do hanging out, all together, in common space.
I respect the urge to try to create a comfortable home for your child; I really do. It is admirable to want to provide for your child and to nurture your child. What I don’t agree with, though, is how our society comes to define “providing for” and “nurturing”. We think that this means that our kids should have access to all the latest gear. Really, I think nurturing our children means giving kids access to each other and to us. They need family far more than they need a television.
What happens when kids have a television in their bedroom? They sleep less. They gain weight. They score lower on reading and math tests. And perhaps most importantly, they’re more likely tostart smoking and get involved in other delinquent activities, even controlling for all other factors.
Living separate lives
While the health and educational factors are important, it’s that last one I want to talk about. When kids have televisions and computers in their room, they are more likely to make lifestyle and moral choices that you would not approve of. Why would you want your kids doing that?
The reason they do that is because their lives have now become more and more separate from you. Kids with TVs in their rooms live in their rooms, not in the kitchen or the family room, where they can hang out with you. And perhaps just as importantly, they tend to live solitary lives, not lives with their siblings. If you’ve ever wondered why our kids squabble so much, perhaps it’s because they aren’t forced to play together or cure boredom together. Instead, they just retreat to their rooms to be entertained on their own.
I really can’t think of anything much more destructive in a family than encouraging your child to coccoon, all without you. Kids need input from us. They need conversation. They need meal times. They need to have fun! But we’re letting them grow up by themselves, in their wonderfully decorated room with every little gadget. It’s wrong.
This year my family started enforcing family games night. We’ve had it theoretically for years, but somehow other things often intruded: meetings or dinner engagements or kids’ activities. Not so now. It’s every Tuesday night. I’ve stopped accepting speaking engagements on Tuesdays. The kids don’t work or get together with friends on that night. We have a great dinner, and then pull out the board games and laugh and laugh altogether.
Let’s provide for our kids. Let’s give them a great living environment. But that environment should not be in their own rooms, where they’re encouraged to spend time far away from the rest of the family. It should be altogether.
I find that my girls need to talk about the stuff of life, but that conversation usually only comes after we’ve been together for a while. They need to be comfortable opening up. After we’ve been goofing around or chatting or cooking together for a little bit, suddenly out will come this torrent of feelings about friends, or youth group, or their futures, or whatever. But it only comes after that initial bonding time.
If your lives consist mostly of gathering the children for the practical functions of life, like putting food on their plates or collecting homework or ascertaining everybody’s schedules, and then you separate during your leisure times, I doubt that kind of opening up will happen. If your children hang out in their own rooms, rather than in the family room with siblings, I doubt great friendships will develop.
So here’s an idea: think about how you want your kids to turn out. What values do you want them to have? How do you want them to act? Now, does your physical home reflect those values, or are you undermining them? If your kids cocoon, you’re undermining them. And maybe it’s time for a readjustment.
What do you think? Does your family have a central place where you hang out? Where is it?
This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.
Should the Church Address Facebook?
Apparently it took God until the 21st Century to release an updated version of the seventh commandment. According to one pastor, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” should now read, “Thou shalt not Facebook.” After counseling roughly 20 couples with Facebook-related marriage issues, Reverend Cedric Miller has had enough. Rev. Miller issued an ultimatum to the married pastors, staff and leaders at Living Word Christian Fellowship: Remove your Facebook accounts or remove yourselves from leadership!
Is banning Facebook a pastor’s best defense to the emerging trend of Facebook-related marriage problems? We totally understand how frustrated Rev. Miller must be with seeing a similar scenario and set of choices play out again and again. Many counselors and pastors have told us that they too are experiencing a surge in counseling loads due to online activities. (Could this have something to do with the drastic increase in half a billion people joining Facebook in the last few years?)
Banning people from Facebook seems to be more of a knee-jerk reaction than a long-term solution. Here are five alternative ways pastors and churches can help couples survive and thrive on Facebook.
1) Teach couples how to protect their marriages online – For most people over the age of 30, Facebook is their first online social community experience. Many are innocently and ignorantly learning Facebook on the go. Tell married Facebookers what the potential marriage threats are. Add links to your church’s website, share links through the newsletter, hand out copies of the article at a service. Whatever you do, do something that helps couples take proactive steps to protect their marriage.
2) Preach on healthy boundaries – This is a relevant topic for every one regardless of age and it’s helpful for both their online and real time relationships. Our church recently did a sermon series on “Guard Rails” and two of the sermons focused on social media. The problems arising from people’s Facebook experiences are mostly due three things:
- not balancing technology and relationships;
- not setting boundaries;
- not using common sense when online.
Equip your congregation to set and live by healthy boundaries for all of their relationships – whether they’re on Facebook or face-to-face.
3) Teach adults and teens how to use Facebook safely – There are many ways bad things can happen on Facebook: stolen passwords, identity theft, cyber-bullying, emotional affairs, exposure to pornography, and more. But there are so many great things that can happen on Facebook when people are aware of safeguards and learn to make smart choices. Raise awareness on personal safety, privacy issues, and common sense choices for the Facebookers who call your church home and you’ll see the counseling load for Facebook-related issues radically drop.
4) Create social media guidelines for the congregation – The military has done it. Corporations and companies are doing it too. Everyone recognizes that social media is not going away, so rather than ignoring it, denying it or fighting it, they’re figuring out how to co-exist with it. Creating a set of social media guidelines or principles for your congregation’s members makes a lot of sense. Get the leadership together and brainstorm some ideas on how to set your flock up for success when they’re online. People are empowered to live a blessed life when they’re taught what they can do rather than just being told what they can’t.
5) Help marriages overcome infidelity and betrayal – People do make poor choices and bad things do happen to good people. Pastors need to be prepared to handle emotional and physical affairs. The path to recovery is slow and long, but doable. If this is beyond your abilities, outsource these couples to professionals and ministries who are gifted to walk these fragile couples through “the valley of the shadow of death.” By helping those who have crossed the line of infidelity and betrayal, these fractured and hurting couples can have a resurrection-like story in their relationship, marriage and family.
Rev. Miller says the anti-Facebook mandate is his attempt to “save marriages and families.” But what about other social networks like Twitter? Looking at the surging numbers of people joining online social communities, there’s no sign of these sites going away anytime soon.
Pastors who empower people how to survive and thrive with social media will actually save more marriages and families in the long run. The more church members know how to safely use online communities, the less likely they are to make the mistakes and bad choices that destroy marriages and break families apart. We’re pretty sure that is something God would “Like,” don’t you?
My Girls: A Sacred Trust
I can still remember where I was standing and the way my daughter Aubri looked at me that fateful December day. She came to me and said, “Dad, Dan really wants to talk to you to ask if he can be allowed to date me.” I knew this day would come.
I answered honestly, “Do you know how difficult this is for your father?”
To which Aubri replied, “I realize Dad that no one will be good enough for me in your eyes.” Aw, such wisdom from my teen.
Interviewing her date
I told her to set up a time but I had a plan. Each day she picked I was amazingly already booked! I knew that the longer I delayed, the longer it was before this young man could accost my little girl. Finally my daughter called and said, “Dad, Dan really wants to get together. And Dad, he’s really nervous.” I asked if he was there right then with her and she said that he was. I said, “Good, tell him he should be real nervous.”
The day arrived and a nervous young man came for ‘the talk’ and to ask me a question. My wife offered him juice, milk, coffee or tea and Dan took water. He sat on the edge of the couch, stiff as a board with his glass of water and red blotches going up and down his face. If I said I wasn’t enjoying it, I’d be a liar.
With Aubri out of the house my wife and younger daughter headed upstairs to leave us alone (I later learned that the two females did attempt to listen at the stairs but to their dismay they couldn’t make out the words of the interrogation). Dennis Rainey wrote an excellent book called “Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date” (http://powertochange.com/familylife/shop/better-parenting-resources/) where he gives great instruction and mentions that the interview should last about 20 – 30 minutes. By the time we hit an hour, the water had been downed in gulps and I wasn’t finished yet. (Did I mention I was enjoying this?)
At one point I told Dan that if he hurt Aubri he might as well cut off my arm because the pain would be as severe and long lasting. After an hour and a quarter Dan began to relax and he said something back to me that moved him way up in my books. “Mr. Black, I don’t get to have these kinds of open discussions. Do you think we could do this again?” Dan is now my favorite (and only) son-in-law as we did have more discussions including the one where he asked for Aubri’s hand in marriage and I said ‘no’ but that’s a story for another time.
Dads, your daughter is a sacred trust, protect her. If you are going to interview your daughter’s date, make sure you discuss this and agree upon it with her. Otherwise she may feel slighted and hassled instead of protected. I have another daughter and I look forward to my next victim. Maybe he’ll appear in another blog about another fateful day.
A Record of Rights
The story is told of a couple that grew to find little to appreciate in one another. The daily tally of things one did that annoyed and aggravated the other was a growing list. More and more they did less and less together. In desperation the woman visited a counselor and took along her journal of all the attitudes and actions she was resentful of in her husband. The counselor gave her one assignment: start a new journal and write down only the things her husband did right … and she must write daily in her new journal.
At first it seemed impossible, yet as the days passed the task seemed to get easier. One month later she reported to the counselor that something remarkable was happening to her husband – he was changing. Without him even knowing about her book, he started coming home earlier than usual seeming to be more relaxed to be there. He was noticing the change in her and without even knowing what was causing it, he was responding.
Choose your focus
That wonderful quote on love from 1 Corinthians 13, so often heard at weddings, holds the treasured nugget that “love keeps no record of wrongs”.
Every couple will find irritations in one another, for we are imperfect people. Yet how we decide, ahead of time, to respond to those irritations will make a world of difference in our relationships.
We can resent the irritations and eventually the person; we can count them and point them out and nag about them. Or we can choose to polish up the good things we see and hear and put our focus there. We can pray about the irritations, and for growth in patience and gentleness in both our partner and in ourselves. When an issue truly needs to be addressed do it carefully and prayerfully without a spontaneous outburst.
Attitude is everything
Thankfulness is heart-changing. The way YOU perceive a situation is the way you will respond to it. Perception, whether or not it is factual, becomes truth to the individual. Choose early to have a love that “keeps no record of wrongs” but finds the good and stores up a “record of rights” in your heart toward one another.
A wise friend of mine decided to begin a “record of rights” for her fiancée because she found the written word powerful and sometimes easier to express. She started the book without telling him about it and one day, when he was packing for a trip, she slipped it into his suitcase. He found it when he settled into his hotel room and read the whole thing. They both love this record of rights because it now serves to help them remember those first words and first feelings of her love and thankfulness for him and it helps them choose where to focus.
God’s wisdom, to keep no record of wrongs, is a powerful reminder to choose where you focus in the daily rubbing of shoulders and the nitty-gritty of life.
He also promises to grant you the patience and gentleness, the kindness and thankfulness that you need day to day. Simply ask Him, every day, to help you look with eyes that see the good and respond with love that polishes up the good you find in one another. When something needs to be addressed, ask Him to help you in the timing and attitude in which you approach it.
Choose today that the “record of rights” will be your norm long before any irritations have a chance to build a wall in your heart.
Choosing your focus will help keep the wonder of your love a true treasure in your heart daily.
Do you need help changing your focus? We can help, take a Life Lesson
Sure Fire way To Teach Kids to Cook
Teach your kids to cook so you don’t have to! Here’s my philosophy in a nutshell: Each year after age 10, they learn to make one meal per year.
So at 11 they can make 1.
At 12 they can make 2.
At 13 they can make 3.
And so on, and so on, and so on. That way, when they move out at 18, the goal is that they can make seven different meals well, and one fancier meal for company.
This applies to both girls and boys. Do not raise your sons differently from your daughters in this regard. First of all, the average boy doesn’t marry until 27, so that’s 9 years away from home first, unless you want him living in your basement and eating your food the whole time. Even when he does marry, do you really want your daughter-in-law to have to do all the cooking? Train him for independence! You’re doing everyone a favor!
Getting started
So how do you figure out the meals to make? Think about your family’s favorite meals and start with the easiest one. This is what has worked for me:
Year 11: Spaghetti. It’s easy, and most kids like it, and it’s mostly just stirring. You can start by just teaching them to make the pasta and heat up a can of sauce with some meat. Then teach them how to add some chopped veggies, like garlic or carrots or peppers. Then add some homemade garlic bread. (Just chop fresh garlic up, add it to butter with some parsley, and spread it on bread. Broil it, and you’re done! Just check the timer. I’m forever burning mine).
Year 12: Chicken pie/chicken rice casserole. This is one of my children’s favorite meals, so we taught it young. It’s not that difficult:
Start with leftover chicken and add
1 can cream-of-something soup (use whatever is in your cupboard)
1 cup gravy (leftover, or the instant kind, or a can)
a lot of frozen veggies, or chopped fresh carrots, etc.
Heat it all up, and then either put it in some pie shells and bake it, or add rice and a bit of sour cream to it, sprinkle with cheese and breadcrumbs, and cook as a rice casserole. It’s great either way!
Year 13: Chicken and potatoes (This is a great meal that makes leftovers so they have the leftover chicken to make chicken pie. But most kids feel very threatened by making a whole chicken, plus they think the meat is gross, so it’s best to leave this until a little bit later).
The biggest benefit of learning how to roast a chicken is that your realize how easy it is! If you teach your kids how to make different side dishes, from baked potatoes to mashed potatoes or rice, then they’re all set. Now no matter which meat they roast they can make a meal! Gravy is a little trickier, but my daughter Rebecca’s getting pretty good at it right now.
Year 14: Grilled ham. We make ours dipped in maple syrup and then grilled in a frying pan or on the barbecue, depending on the time of year. The kids love it! We usually splurge on Lipton’s sidekicks for this meal.
Year 15: Shepherd’s Pie. Again, it’s easy. But I leave it until later because I always find this meal takes a bit of time because of all the peeling of potatoes and chopping and mashing, and the kids don’t like doing that work as much. Here’s our recipe:
Brown 1 1/2 pounds ground beef.
Add 1 can of tomato soup
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
a bunch of garlic powder and salt and paprika
Layer this in a pan. Cover with frozen veggies. Add mashed potatoes on top of that. Sprinkle with paprika. Bake at 400 for half and hour. If it’s not brown on top, broil for a minute or two. We’ve started tripling this recipe and making three pans, because the kids love it and we leave it for leftovers.
So there you have five days of meals for your teens and preteens to start learning to make! That’s also our recipe plan for this week. None of these recipes cost very much. They’re all very affordable, and the kids like them. And one day, when they’re on their own, they’ll feel competent! What recipes do you use to teach children how to cook? And how are they doing at it?
This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.
Religions have too many rules!
Do religions have too many rules? Sometimes, the answer is an unqualified yes! But why do we need to have rules at all? Don’t religious rules rob people of their freedom?
Have you ever taken a look at the rulebook for a professional sports league? The Official NHL Rulebook lists hundreds of specific rules and regulations. Everything from penalties, to the flow of the game (“The time allowed for a game shall be three (3) twenty-minute periods of actual play with a rest intermission between periods.”), to the size and shape of the rink (“The official size of the rink shall be two hundred feet (200′) long and eighty-five feet (85′) wide. The corners shall be rounded in the arc of a circle with a radius of twenty-eight feet (28′)”).
If the rules and regulations were all a person knew about the game of hockey, they would likely conclude that it is not only probably quite boring, but also that it must be the most restrictive and oppressive activity in the world! Thankfully hockey is much more than merely its rulebook. Still, rules are necessary. Imagine trying to play a game without any rules! In the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, the young boy Calvin created just such a game: Calvinball. The comics centered around the chaos that would result whenever they would try to play the game without any rules.
Similarly, popular speaker Nicky Gumbel describes his experiences trying to referee a childrens’ soccer game. The normal referee was late, and so he was temporarily pressed into taking the role:
There was a number of difficulties with this: I had no whistle, there were no markings for the boundaries … and I did not know the rules nearly as well as some of the boys. The game soon descended into complete chaos. Some shouted that the ball was in. Others said it was out. I wasn’t at all sure, so I let things run. Then the fouls started. Some cried, “Foul!” Others said, “No foul!” I didn’t know who was right. So I let them play on. Then people began to get hurt. By the time Andy [the official referee] arrived, there were three boys laying injured on the ground … but the moment Andy arrived, he blew his whistle, arranged the teams, told them where the boundaries were and had them under control. Then the boys had the game of their lives! (from “Alpha: Questions of Life,” 88-89)
Gumbel asks the question: Were the boys more free without the rules or were they in fact less free? This is the paradox of anarchy. Think of most of the freedoms that you cherish: Things like being treated fairly, having the right to speak and vote, owning possessions without constant fear of having them taken, and living a life of liberty “in pursuit of happiness.” All of these are guaranteed and facilitated by having rules which restrict certain “freedoms” (like being free to steal other peoples’ property or to silence others from speaking) in favor of others (like the right to own property or have free speech).
But what about religious rules? Aren’t they just an impediment to our freedom?
In the same ways as a lack of sports rules will lead to less real freedom, lack of rules for life will eventually also lead to less real freedom. Dr Victor Shepherd describes the difference this way: “When the Bible speaks of freedom, however, it means something entirely different; it means the absence of any impediment to acting in accord with our true nature … The free person is simply the person for whom there is no impediment (inner or outer), no obstacle to her living as the child of God that she is by faith.” (from “Do you love me? And other questions Jesus asks,” 35-36)
The distinction between Christianity and all other faiths is that while Christianity has rules, it’s not about rules. C. S. Lewis, the late Oxford and Cambridge university professor who was also author of the popular Narnia series of books, was once asked what belief was unique to the Christian faith. “Oh, that’s easy,” he replied, “it’s grace.” Every other religion makes rules the basis of a person’s right standing with God. But in the Christian faith the rules first point out how a person has fallen short of God’s standard. That realization leads a person to God’s grace. Then those same rules serve as direction to live out lives of gratefulness. This is done not to earn anything, but in gratitude for what has been freely given.
Yes, many people (and churches) use rules like weapons to wound others through guilt and intimidation. Or they may be used as oppressive weights to burden people and drag them down. Perhaps you have experienced that yourself. But if you have, it may be time to consider that using rules this way is part of a broken system. And the true system is much more beautiful and burden-free. Watch the video Religion: Why it Isn’t Working to explore this idea further and let us know what you think!
Related reading:
Why is it so hard to forgive? – Licensed counselor Lynette Hoy explores this important topic
Discover purpose – What’s so amazing about grace?
Teaching Kids to Share the Plenty
As you celebrate your blessings during family gatherings why not use the holiday to teach your kids about sharing with others? Here are some tips for helping your family live generously.
Breaking down financial barriers to be free to live generously
1. Live within your means
Save up for purchases and pay cash rather than buying on credit. If you do use credit, pay the whole monthly balance so that your resources aren’t drained away in interest.
As soon as they are old enough, give your kids an allowance or let them control some of the gift money they receive. Encourage them to live within their means by saving for desired items. Working for an allowance and waiting to be able to afford something helps kids understand the real cost of an item and curtails frivolous purchases.
2. Get out of debt
You are not free to give if you are overwhelmed by debt. If you give on credit, you are really giving away someone else’s money. Once you are free to give, here are some tips for weaving benevolence into the fabric of your family life.
Tips for Giving Freely
1. Plan to be generous
Set measureable goals like donating 5% of your annual income or $5,000 per year. Share your goals with your kids and update them on your progress. Review your actual giving at the end of the year and set new goals for the next year.
2. Focus your generosity
Corporations often have clearly defined priorities that help them focus their giving. Some donate to charities that help disadvantaged kids while others support organizations that care for the environment.
Talk about what you value as a family. Are you passionate about animals? Do you know someone with Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, or some other medical condition? Do you want to alleviate poverty in developing nations or support Bible translation? After identifying the good you want to do in the world, look for reputable organizations that share your values. Focus your giving on a small group of charities rather than donating less money to more agencies—your gifts will have more of an impact.
3. Don’t wait to give
Even if you are currently in debt or have limited resources, you can still give your time. Any holiday is a good time to help your local food bank collect and sort food or to serve a meal at a local drop-in centre for people who are homeless. Look for opportunities to serve with your kids. As you model a generous lifestyle and involve your kids in sharing, they will develop a life-long giving habit.
For help in getting your financial needs in balance so you can live a more generous life, contact FaithLIfe Financial.
Call 1-800-563-6237, or email moreinfo@faithlifefinancial.ca.
Visit our website www.faithlifefinancial.ca
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