In his book, Creating an Intimate Marriage, author Jim Burns challenges readers with this idea, “YOU set the mood, tone and atmosphere in your marriage.”  He also points out you are the ONE person who can make a difference in your marriage. You cannot default to, “If only my spouse would change!”

Are you proactive or reactive? Proactive people take positive steps forward to change the circumstances. Reactive people are shaped by their circumstances.

Are you a thermometer or a thermostat?  A thermometer reads the temperature.  A thermostat changes the temperature. Make a definite choice this week to be the leader in creating affection, warmth and encouragement.

Experiment:  Choose one thing you can do EACH day this week. Ask yourself the following:

• How can I be more affectionate? Maybe it’s a hug, a kiss or holding hands during the day.
• How do I communicate warmth? Maybe it’s saying thank you; expressing appreciation for things you take for granted.
• How can I be more encouraging? Are you looking at the glass half empty? Tell your spouse one thing you like about them each day.  Examples: That shirt looks good on you. I like your hair that way.  You are a hard worker.  You are a good parent.  That is a good idea!
• Discuss together:  Reactive/Proactive and Thermometer/thermostat:  Who are you?

Back in my single days a friend told me she loved me. I was surprised.  It was awkward.  I did not know what to say because I did not love her in the same way. She was a dear friend but I was not “in love” with her. I will never forget her response. She said, “I love you and it is a gift. I expect nothing from you.” Wow, that was profound. The unconditional nature of that statement set me free in the relationship; we continued as close friends.

Unconditional love is hard to find, yet unforgettable when you do find it!
Unconditional love (a gift) freely given provides security in your relationship. Unconditional love is characterized by a willingness to GIVE TO your partner unselfishly.

“Love IS patient and kind. Love is NOT jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does NOT demand its own way. It is NOT irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does NOT rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, IS always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”              –  St. Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians (I Cor. 13:4-7).

Action: Does your love have strings attached?  Will you consider giving the gift of unconditional love?

Sometimes picturing the worst case scenario helps to set the right perspective. If breaking up is the worst case scenario in your relationship, picture a staircase with breaking up at the bottom. If the top of the staircase is a great relationship, where are you on the staircase? Which way are you moving? What will take you up, toward a great relationship, and what will move you down toward a breakup?

Action Step:  Discuss together your relationship direction; take inventory of your relationship. Be intentional about a plan to re-direct (or stay on track) on the goal of a great relationship.  Plan some time together this week to the discuss priorities each of you have that will move you in the right direction.

Many authors talk about something akin to the emotional bank account. None have made it more popular than Stephen Covey in the classic book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. (p. 188). The concept is that our actions toward others will make deposits or withdrawals from an emotional/relational account. As with a personal bank account a large balance builds security and a low balance creates concern, while a deficit is stressful. Continued overdrafts can lead to bankruptcy. The same is true relationally/emotionally. We all make withdrawals, intentional or unintentional. Good relationships require a positive flow. Deposits are made through kindness, consideration, appreciation and respect.

Action: Ask yourself a couple of questions. How is the emotional balance in your marriage? What ways can you make a deposit this today? This week? On a regular basis?

Book: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen Covey

Communication can be a challenge at the best of times, so it is sometimes helpful to have an understanding of communication styles. In the Life Ready series called Marriage Oneness, host Tim Lundy talks about the different ways we communicate.  This is not an issue of good versus bad communication, but just understanding different styles:

Land the Plane versus Enjoy the Ride communicators.

Share Your Feelings versus Just the Facts communicators.

Think Out Loud versus Let’s Take Turns communicators.

Understanding your style can help you relax, laugh and be a better communicator! If you are in a relationship with a “Land the Plane” person and you are an “Enjoy the Ride” person it would be good to identify that difference. It’s amazing how understanding differences can help reduce stress.  I tend to be a “Land the Plane” communicator, and my wife is more of an “Enjoy the Ride” conversationalist, so just knowing that makes us both more patient with each other.

Action: Go to a coffee shop. Discuss and identify your styles of communication.  Identify when you have felt most frustrated and how understanding each other’s style might help.

Resource Link: Life Ready Series

Everyone wants the ideal:  Home, car, kids, friends, everything! What about finding the ideal relationship?

There is danger in attempting to FIND the ideal; it results in unrealistic expectations! Our culture suggests we should find the perfect soul mate, but the reality is:   that person does not exist!  No one will realistically meet all the expectations of your perfect soul mate. This common myth sets people up for major disappointment. A better approach is to find someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life and then work together to create an ideal relationship with that person, becoming soul mates over time.  It takes work and it might take a life time but the process will be worth the challenge!

Action:  Accept the imperfections in your spouse.  Have fun holding hands on the journey of life creating your ideal relationship through the shared joys and sorrows, successes and failures of your life together.

An increasing factor in marriage breakdown is over commitment.  A fast-paced life facilitates constant physical and emotional exhaustion.  Relationship experts cite over commitment in the top five relationship killers!

How are you doing? Healthy relationships require time and attention.  How often do you sit, talk or just hang out with no urgent demands? It takes self discipline not to get swept along in the hurried life.   Who sets your agenda; you or someone else? Are the expectations realistic?

Symptoms of over commitment and exhaustion are hard on your relationship, they include:

Headaches          Sleeplessness  Irritability          Emotional outbursts      Loss of motivation

Relationships take energy!  If you give your energy to everything else first, your relationship will suffer and may not survive!

Action:  Be intentional; take a serious look at your schedule and make deliberate decisions. Pace, energy and capacity are unique to the individual; so do not to compare yourself to others. Are YOU going to survive or thrive if you keep going at this pace? Don’t be fooled by the myth, “It’s just for a little while longer and then things will slow down.”