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Wednesday April 11, 2012
“If we were the same, one of us would not be necessary!” Two people who are different have the wonderful potential of complementing each other but also having some level of conflict. Conflict is normal and can be very productive. Constructive conflict which can be defined as solution focused and not person focused can build depth into any relationship. Couples miss out on the benefits of conflict by either being too passive or being too aggressive. A common pattern of conflict mismanagement is to withdraw or attack. Learn to engage in a positive way! You engage when you trust the other person and depth of the relationship to handle the conflict. So go have a “good” fight!
Action: When you see the conflict cloud gathering don’t run or get aggressive. Engage with the question, “What’s a win/win solution for this issue?” Do not give up till you both agree on a plan.
Proverb of Solomon: “The mind of the wise makes their speech insightful and enhances the teaching of their lips. Pleasant words are flowing honey, sweet to the taste and healing to the bones.” – Proverbs 16: 23-24 CEB
This post originally appeared in Jonathan McKee’s blog on www.TheSource4Parents.com
“If no one watches, they don’t have a game!” –Gale
It’s a little ironic that some parents are objecting to the violent premise of The Hunger Games. “It’s kids killing other kids!” In actuality, The Hunger Games compels the audience to value life, mourn death, and literally gasp at violence.
It’s sad that The Hunger Games is being compared to Twilight and other teenage fodder, because truly…there’s no comparison. The Hunger Games has proven to be so much more. The film, based on Suzanne Collins’ best selling book, was powerful and thought provoking, an amazing social commentary about our society’s growing callousness toward violence.
If you caught my blog a few days ago, I shared four important questions I encouraged parents to ask about films to help them teach their kids discernment:
1. Is this story glorifying violence or inappropriate sexual situations?
2. Is this story making “bad” look “good” or enticing?
3. Does this story irresponsibly display imitatable attitudes and behaviors that our kids will absorb and eventually emulate?
4. Does this story needlessly sell out to showing “eye candy” like nudity or gratuitous violence?
Now that I have seen The Hunger Games, I not only vehemently express my approval for the film, I can also attest that it didn’t include any of those four inappropriate or irresponsible elements.
The film was superior on so many levels, but I think one element that resonated with me the most was the glaring contrast between the impoverished districts struggling day to day for a meager existence, fighting for mere scraps of food, while the haughty Capital City lived pampered, overindulgent lives. The Capital City’s condescending attitude was disheartening, but their callous disregard for human life is what took the cake. A gladiatoresque reality show featuring kids killing kids was pure entertainment to these monsters.
At this point I almost expect someone to scroll down to my comment section and suggest, “Aren’t we similar monsters if we watch the movie?”
Before you do, allow me a moment to propose two responses to this accusation:
First, are we never to tell any tales of such monsters?
Is it improper to tell a story about good and evil? Should we steer our kids clear of any of these cold realities about human nature?
The Bible is full of horrific stories of rampant sin and its consequence: Cain and Able (kids killing kids), Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot and his daughters (Eeew!). Fairy tales have long told anecdotes about evil villains luring kids into ovens, deceiving young girls to eat poison apples, and even wolves disguised as Grandma enticing cute little granddaughters close enough to eat. C.S. Lewis told marvelous stories about kids traveling to an imaginary land where they fought bloody battles against an entire army and an evil witch. Several of these films have made it to the big screen.
Someone call Westboro Baptist. We should protest all of these stories!
Perhaps we should stop over-reacting, and instead, begin interacting with our kids about good vs. evil, even using some of these amazing pieces of literature as a discussion springboard.
Second, The Hunger Games film responsibly made good look good, and evil look evil.
Sadly, today’s media often makes bad look good. Not the case with The Hunger Games. This 2-hour-and-22 minute film will not only keep you on the edge of your seat, it paints a stark contrast between good and evil. It won’t take audiences long to recognize the many appearances of evil: hypocrisy, injustice, exploitation, complete disregard for human life…and plain ol’ murder.
Then there’s Katniss.
I’m not really giving away much of a spoiler when I tell you that Katniss, our heroine, begins the film by selflessly sacrificing herself, instead of a loved one, to take part in the heinous fight to the death known as the Hunger Games. Katniss demonstrates honor, mercy and self sacrifice throughout the film. Some might be bothered that she isn’t a pacifist—she does defend herself and others. But Katniss is a true hero, something we don’t always see or read about in stories today.
Social Commentary… without Selling Out
Let’s be real. The filmmakers had a tough job. How do you provide social commentary about a society entertained by “gladiators” … without becoming the very society you depict? I was impressed, if not amazed with director Gary Ross’ finished product. Ross artistically transformed the novel’s first person perspective so that audiences connected with Katniss, quickly empathizing with her, carrying her burdens…feeling her pain.
There’s a moment in the film where two lives are taken in one moment…and something happened in my theatre that I haven’t heard in years. The theatre literally gasped. Sadly, today’s movies are so chock-full of senseless violence, I’ve often heard laughter or cheers when someone is killed onscreen.
Not in The Hunger Games.
Ross created a mood that recognized the horror of killing. In The Hunger Games death is mourned. Noble heroes wept in this film. Many in the audience cried as well. I cried twice…but I cry easy.
In a way it reminds me of what Clint Eastwood did with his powerful film, Unforgiven. How often do films portray the mental anguish that one experiences after killing someone? In Unforgiven, we repeatedly see people experience the guilt and complete change of heart that occurs when they take someone else’s life. This is contrasted to a few characters who are numb to the effects of pulling the trigger.
Hunger Games paints a similar distinction. Killing isn’t to be taken lightly. Ethical lines are drawn in the sand.
Too intense for most kids under 13
And for the icing on the cake, Ross magically refrains from showing gratuitous violence. Don’t get me wrong. This film is probably too intense for most kids under 13. At times we see glimpses of the horror taking place, but Ross shows incredible discernment, making sure that his film doesn’t become a spectacle like the games themselves.
In short, The Hunger Games was heart wrenching, powerful and thought-provoking. I’ll be seeing it with my girls (14 and 16) this week with no hesitation. Will it make it to my Blu Ray shelf? The odds are highly in favor.
Jonathan McKee, president of The Source for Youth Ministry, is the author of numerous books including the new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, and youth ministry books like Ministry By Teenagers, Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation, and the award winning book Do They Run When They See You Coming? Jonathan speaks and trains at conferences, churches and events across North America, all while providing free resources for youth workers and parents on his websites, TheSource4YM.com and TheSource4Parents.com. You can follow Jonathan on his blog, getting a regular dose of youth culture and parenting help. Jonathan and his wife Lori, and their three teenagers Alec, Alyssa and Ashley live in California.
Appreciation is received by the soul like rain after a drought!!! It is so life giving. Appreciation is also a significant motivator. Much in life is taken for granted. A simple thank you or acknowledgement goes a long way to encourage a weary heart. What do you appreciate about the people around you? Tell Them.
Action: Think of 3 things you have taken for granted today and say thank you. It can be really simple. Some examples…
- Thanks for dinner. What a great meal!
- Thanks for filling the car with gas. I appreciate it.
- Thanks for doing the wash. This shirt smells so good.
- Wow, the kitchen looks so clean. I sure like the way you take care of things.
- You do an amazing job with the yard, thank you.
- You look good. I appreciate the way you take care of yourself.
- You are so patient. I sure appreciate it.
You get the idea…
Proverb of Solomon: “The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver.” – Proverbs 25:11
In the classic book, His Needs, Her Needs author Willard E. Harley Jr. suggests there are 10 needs that are common in relationships. If the top 4 or 5 needs are not met in the relationship the person will seek to have them met elsewhere! That’s why Harley’s subtitle is “Building an Affair Proof Marriage.”
1. Sexual Fulfillment: Sexual availability and responsiveness.
2. Recreational Companionship: Involvement in activities that you both enjoy.
3. Attractive Spouse: The attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great.
4. Domestic support: Creation of a peaceful and well-managed home.
5. Admiration: Desire to be respected, valued and appreciated.
6. Affection: Thoughtful expression of care.
7. Conversation: Characterized by information, mutual interest, dialogue and full attention.
8. Honesty and Openness: Open conversation about thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, personal history, and plans for the future.
9. Financial Support: Financial security.
10. Family Commitment: Active in the development of the children.
Action: Pick your top five. Give the list to your spouse/partner and ask them to do the same. Sit together and talk about your list. Talk about how they are being met. Talk about the areas that still need some attention. Review the list in a month to track your progress as a couple.
Dr. Harley’s Basic Concept Summary
Conflict is a normal part of any relationship! Conflict can be constructive or destructive depending on how it is managed.
In the book The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make (Harvest Books, page 69) Bill and Pam Farrel state that research shows there are many styles of effective conflict resolution. The key word is effective. They present some characteristics that flow from both.
Effective Conflict
Ineffective Conflict
If you are getting more check marks on the ineffective list you may be headed for relationship dysfunction.
Do you sometimes feel emotionally disconnected even though your spouse is standing right next to you? FamilyLife Directors Neil and Sharol Josephson have been married for over thirty years and have spoken with thousands of couples. They discuss gender and personality differences for emotional abandonment, and how the way your parents connected when you were growing up may affect the way you communicate with your spouse today. How can you respond to your spouse’s desire for emotional intimacy while expressing your own relational needs? Watch the video
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How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships
Some exciting things are happening in our FamilyLife family! It is with great pleasure we welcome Brian Siewert and Faith at Home to FamilyLife Canada.
Brian’s passionate vision to help Canadian families resonates with ours and we are convinced that joining forces will multiply the impact of both ministries.
Faith at Home is a movement very similar to our Home Builders initiative, but specifically designed to help parents instill a faith desire within their children. Basically it helps church leaders equip parents to equip their kids for lifelong faith. The mission: “To encourage, equip, and inspire churches in Canada and beyond to build faith into the next generation through the enduring strength of homes”. Currently there are 2,000 churches in the Faith at Home network.
The reality is this: 60-90% of kids raised in Christian homes will leave the church after high school. Clearly there is a failure to pass on faith from one generation to the next. Faith at Home works to train and equip parents with the resources they need to “effectively impact the Christian faith of the next generation.
Brian believes that “If we are going to reach Canada for Christ the greatest opportunity is through relationships - marriage and family. Every generation needs to renew themselves through God’s ancient principles, and we know that can happen by getting parents to be responsible champions of faith in their own homes”.
Across the country Brian sees a wave of new interest in God and religion within the home. The challenge is to discern how to fuel that momentum and properly steward the movement. We are privileged to join Brian and Faith at Home in responding to that challenge. Please pray for Brian, his wife Celia and their 4 children as they join our team and as we together work to equip and encourage the families of Canada.
If you would like to learn more about Faith at Home, please visit the website: www.faithathome.ca.
Part1: Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
Making the connection
Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning: that look she gave you might not even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.
The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.
Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her, help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:
“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.” Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227
Growing together
So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability. You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”. Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.
Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?
I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording. Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.
Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.
Fatigue. This is a no brainer. What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs. Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.
By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.
One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom. Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it. Communication is really important. She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Guys are supposed to be crazy about sex, right? So what do you do when your husband isn’t interested? In 25% of marriages the wife has a higher sex drive than her husband. So how do you get on the same page when it comes to sex? Relationship expert Sheila Wray Gregoire offers four main reasons why a man might not want to make love, and what you can do to help. Watch the video
Take the next step:
Help! My husband doesn’t want sex
Find your love language
Does your marriage need help? We are here to listen.
There are two common things that cause a divide in marriage: one is a natural drift, the other is crisis. Is natural drift happening in your marriage? Have you faced a crisis that changed your life forever? Being intentional in your marriage is the key to overcoming either of these.
Drifting seems to be a norm for many relationships after the honeymoon phase ends. Life gets busy, things pile up and it’s easy for other things to become a priority and take center stage. If you have kids, even more so. Not to mention the daily stressors of life. After a while the time and energy you once put into your relationship is diverted to other things. A subtle drift sets in. For many marriages this becomes the status quo. . . until one day you seem very far apart and don’t know what happened.
Crisis can become another factor in drifting apart. Crisis can accelerate the divide much more intensely and quickly. Crisis is what really impacted our family.
Several years ago some major health and financial issues hit our family. It was the beginning of a very stressful time in our lives. It felt like a giant wave had just picked us up and carried us to an unwanted, unexpected place and dumped us there. We had no choice, no control and didn’t know when or how we would get back to familiar territory. We faced many challenges including a major reversal in our roles. I stepped back into the workforce after being a stay at home mom for fifteen years. My husband’s health limited him. There was a lot of stress as my husband, our kids and I adjusted to the new norm. I adopted a “do what needs to be done to get through” mindset. My focus became very narrow. I needed to protect. I needed to provide. I forged ahead. This crisis really impacted our marriage. Knowing that logically and living it in reality are two different things.
A year ago I realized the way we were functioning was not good for our marriage or our family -long term. Stress behavior needed to transition back to a “normal” mode of functioning. My husband and I realized just how much of a toll it was taking on our marriage. It was time to step back and take inventory.
The cost had been high. Some of it was expected, given all that had happened, but we realized we didn’t want our marriage to stay where it was. So now what? How were we going to get to a better place relationally when it was clear our circumstances were never going back to the way they were?
We had to be intentional.
Being intentional about marriage can take many forms. For us, there were several steps to our process. The first step was to take inventory. We had to ask what this had cost us individually, our marriage, and our kids. Then based on the inventory results we developed a plan.
The plan started with both of us working on self first. We had to be intentional about what we each needed as individuals in order to be healthy before we focused on our marriage. At that point working on self was the beginning point for working on our marriage.
Next, we looked at communication. Communication is a key part of every marriage. It becomes even more important when you hit a crisis. Our inventory surfaced some communication issues we needed to work on. Top of the list was being honest and open while considering wise timing. I had to learn to be more open about things I had been keeping to myself, but I needed to consider timing and not just dump when I felt I needed to. Timing can be the difference between a discussion going well or becoming a disaster. We also had to learn a balance between over communicating and under communicating.
The next step was identifying and being proactive about our different Love Languages. We had given lip service to that concept but now we began to act on it. We made a priority of understanding and being purposeful about each other’s love language. For example, my primary languages are Quality Time and Receiving Gifts. It was amazing to both of us how even the littlest thing my husband did with that in mind made huge deposits into my emotional love tank.
We also recognized we needed to prioritize time to build our marriage. This would mean different things at different times. Going out on a date and leaving behind the difficulties of our circumstances was important. We had to be intentional about not using our date time to talk about negative things; this was our “fun” time. We needed to have fun together and enjoy each other. But at other times we needed to discuss things we had been avoiding. So we learned to set aside a specific time to talk about “that” issue and not put it off any longer. In fact, we started having a regular time for these “business” discussions. We both knew when the conversation would be so we could prepare and know what to expect. The range of issues were varied; sometimes finances, scheduling, health, parenting, or relational health for our marriage. We still meet once a week to deal with the “business” side of marriage and we always leave the house. We go get a coffee or go for a drive. We’ve come to see that we need specific time for fun and time to talk through the bigger issues of our life and our marriage. Both are really important.
In the midst of all the difficulty, the key to being intentional about our marriage was to reestablish our commitment. Statistically, it’s in times of hardship that divorce rates sky rocket. But being intentional about commitment can be the driving force that moves you forward through the hardship. When our wave swept over us, our commitment was a very key foundation. Commitment is defined as: devotion or dedication to a cause, person, or relationship. Part of this devotion and dedication to our relationship was to look for positives in our marriage and in each other. I made a list of the things I appreciate about my husband. I mentally refer to the list at random times. Especially when I’m frustrated!
The next step in our journey of intentionality was resources – books, workbooks, videos and articles - many of them from FamilyLifecanada.com. It is amazing how God provided resources for me when I needed them. Sometimes it came in the form of a well-timed email or phone call. Sometimes it was as simple as a text message from a friend that said “I care”. Friends were our best resource. We were not meant to walk through life alone. Community brings care, as well as life experience and helpful insights. A very important part of our plan was wise counsel and accountability with people we could be really honest with.
Today, a year later, I see much progress. Sometimes it was hard to detect in the midst of the difficulty and sometimes it came in unexpected or even unwanted ways. But it was there when I looked for it. There’s more needed, but after 22 years of marriage I realize that will always be the case. We are a work in progress. Thankfully we are progressing; not just drifting unawares or dividing because of crisis.
Intentionality in a relationship is SO important. And it’s especially important when your crisis “wave” hits. But let me encourage you, there is a way through: be intentional, make a plan and move forward.
For ideas about being intentional refer to the book The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick. To learn more about the Love Languages read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource for healthy boundaries in marriage. For those struggling with the unexpected wave hitting Plan B by Pete Wilson or Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb are good books. Finally for those struggling through grief I found A Grace Disguised very helpful.
Neil Josephson has been married for over 30 years. He’s discovered that the biggest challenge in his marriage hasn’t been [...]
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