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April 10, 2013
Every year Time magazine selects an influential person as their Person of the Year,” the person who…for better or for worse, …has done the most to influence the events of the year” (wikipedia). What would you need to do to win this award for your family this year?
Here are ten things you could say/do that might give you a chance at the “Woman of the Year” award. No guarantees on actually winning the “Woman of the Year”, but I do guarantee the emotional warmth will go way up in your relationship!
Things to say and or do…
1. Welcome him home with a kiss. If he is home before you, make it the first thing you do after coming though the door.
2. Give him a “Night Out” coupon for him to do whatever he wants to do.
3. Have “take out” ordered to his office. Arrange to have a big note attached for all to see that says, “This is because you are an amazing man!”
4. Go shopping and buy something just for him. Maybe a jersey from his favorite sports team or maybe something a little more personal… Pick up a sexy pair of underwear. Or… Pick up an upgrade for one of his favorite tools or Tech gadgets.
5. Look at him and say, “Thank you!” Wait till he says, “For what.” Then say, “Thank you for being committed to me through challenges and the good times. It is so amazing to know you love me with all my flaws and weaknesses, thank you.”
6. Ask him his opinion on issues in your life, ”What do you think…?” (Shows you value his opinion and want to involve him in your life.)
7. Make a top ten list of the things you value/appreciate about him and your relationship. Post them on the bathroom mirror.
Better Yet: Tell him in front of others. (kids, family members, your parents)
8. Mail him a card and sign it “from a Secret Admirer.” Write the things you admire, some things that only you know about him. Make sure you’re there when he opens it. Watch his face as he reads it.
9. Think back to something you did when you were dating that you know he really enjoyed and do it.
10. Send a note to work with him. In it tell him dessert will be served up in private tonight. (I’m fairly sure people at work will be asking him why he is smiling so much the rest of the day.)
Action: Pick two or three of these and do them in the next two weeks. Have fun!!
April 3, 2013
In athletics, cards or board games one of the first questions that comes up is… “What are the rules?” Rules help to curb the tendency toward “creativity” and seek to ensure the game is enjoyable and fair for each player. Sometimes even when the rules are clear, there is a need for a referee to handle the major disagreements and ensure, some level of constructive play is maintained.
Relationships benefit from rules or principles. I don’t normally think of relationships as being rule based, yet my observations lead me to conclude that clear rules play a positive role in strong relationships. Conflict will result from unclear or no agreement on rules of operation in relationships. A couple was experiencing a lot of conflict about finances. The problem was that they were working from two different sets of rules. One felt all spending should be agreed upon by both, the other felt each should have spending money that was totally independent and used for personal desires.
Either system could work; the issue was their lack of agreement. Conflict escalated to a crisis level before they realized they had to agree to a common set of rules or their relationship might not survive. They came up with some new agreed upon rules for finances. The change in their relationship was profound. Relationships thrive on cooperation. Cooperation grows with self sacrifice and respecting agreed upon rules of behavior. Games have winners and losers. The best relationships are characterized by win/win partnerships.
Question: In what areas do you have the greatest level of conflict?
Action: Identify the source of the conflict. Set clear and agreed upon “rules of action” in the area.
Consideration: Do you need an umpire to help clarify the rules? This could be a friend, another couple, a book or a professional.
March 27, 2013
In their book, Rekindling the Romance, Dennis and Barbara Rainey state that a romantically satisfying relationship has three nonnegotiable elements: Security, Acceptance and Emotional Connection. A good physical, sexual relationship develops from these qualities.
Relational security is characterized by safety. This safety is multifaceted. It can include physical, financial and emotional elements. Feeling safe physically can be as simple as having a good security system. Financial security can be enhanced by consistent communication on budget and goals. Security emotionally is characterized by being in touch with each other’s joys, disappointments and desires.
Acceptance is a deep belief that you are fully known by another person and are highly valued in spite of your flaws and imperfections. This acceptance can be affirmed with words like, “I love you. I’m committed to you and to our relationship.”
Emotional connection comes with shared experiences, thoughts, desires and aspirations. This connection can be maintained and built through being truly intentional about keeping in touch with the internal world of the other person. My wife asks me questions to find out what is going on inside because I don’t naturally talk about feelings and she feels emotionally connected to me when I share honestly and listen to her thoughts/perspective.
Action: Take an inventory of each of these three areas. Discuss where you are doing well and how you can improve in each.
Suggested Resource: Rekindling the Romance by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
March 20, 2013
Schedule Sex? Sounds crazy! That was my first thought and it may be yours also. Consider some of the possible benefits. With busy schedules and the tiredness that results, having a point of connection scheduled could help take the stress out of the equation and allow for emotional and mental anticipation. It may remove some of the anxiety of deciding in the moment whether or not to initiate or respond.
Some couples have found scheduling sex very energizing. It allows for some creativity that requires preparation, like setting the atmosphere, choosing appealing clothing or any other number of creative touches. Sex in your schedule could also help where conflicting libidos are involved, allowing compromise on frequency of sex. This does not preclude spontaneity but it does provide a base line of sexual enjoyment in over-complicated lives!
We put our priorities into our schedules. The physical expression of love is a powerful bonding agent in any relationship. It is a priority to a healthy and growing relationship.
Action: Talk about scheduling sex. Set a few dates. Try it for a month or two.
Just in case you’re wondering…
“Adults, on average, have sex about 61 times per year, or slightly more than once a week, according to University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center. Marital status and age are key influences in sexual activity.”
– Christopher J. Gearon, “Sex in Marriage: Better Sex in Marriage”
The period of 40 days leading up to Easter, known to many as “Lent”, is a precious time for the church. It is a season to reflect upon one’s spiritual walk: to fast from earthly pleasures, embrace a sprit of charity, and to be refreshed by a deeper commitment to prayer. A mere few days before Lent began, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI made a startling announcement: he shared that he “repeatedly examined his conscience before God” and has come to the serious and difficult decision that he will be stepping down as pope effective February 28th, 2013. The College of Cardinals (over a hundred Cardinals from all over the world) then entered into a conclave to elect a new Bishop of Rome. The cardinals cast their carefully discerned vote, and a chemical added to the burned ballots create the much-anticipated smoke from the roof of the Sistine Chapel. In Rome, shortly after 7pm on the 13th of March, millions of eyes witnessed the clear sign that a new leader has been elected: white smoke.
“Habemus Papam!” (latin for “We have a pope!”) instantly rampaged through the news and social media. An hour later, the 76-year-old Jesuit priest, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio from Argentina emerged from the Vatican’s balcony, greeting the faithful gathered and humbly assuming his new pastoral role. He is the first Latin American pope; in fact, the first non-European in over 1,000 years. In his first papal address, Pope Francis (Bergoglio’s chosen name after St. Francis of Assisi) urged the Church to be united by the spirit of fraternity, wrapped in love and trust and strongly aided by prayers for one another. The new pope meekly petitioned for prayers from the faithful gathered as he accedes his new role, both as a leader and as a servant to the 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide.
So what does this mean for Christians and non-Christians alike? It may be too early to tell, but there is no doubt that this is a marvelously exciting time for the church and for the world. A largely influential man, Pope Francis has the potential to instigate change. Will Pope Francis take after his predecessor, tweeting as @Pontifex on twitter (Pope Benedict’s previous tweets has since then been archived)? Or will he be the first pope with an Instagram account? He’s also been known to take public transit in his native Argentina. Perhaps one day you’ll run into him on the train.
Easter is only two weeks away. The culmination of the 40 days of preparation by prayer, fasting, and almsgiving directs the hearts of believers to the momentous celebration of Christ’s victory over death. It is a time of renewal. And what better time for the church than this? If you are one of those people who go through a yearly “spring cleaning”, perhaps this year you can join in on this long held tradition. Use this time to examine your life and ask reflect upon life’s hardest questions.
You never know what changes may come!
Easter is not just about egg hunts and chocolate rabbits. Read the Easter Story here.
March 13, 2013
Everyone has some level of disappointment in relationships: not every hope, wish, dream or expectation can be met by one person. When expectations are impossible to fulfill, disappointment can become a crisis. In their book, Relationships, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott state, “Too many people attach themselves to another person to obtain approval, affirmation, purpose, safety and of course, identity. And when the inevitable disappointment happens, they complain bitterly that this person failed them.”
Two issues are at stake here. First, it’s crucial to have a foundation for your own well-being. It is important to recognize that everyone has deep needs that go beyond what another person can fill. Consider this thought from 17th century philosopher, Blaise Pascal:
“There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.”
Second, embrace the fact that all relationships have disappointments! Perfection only exists in heaven. Working through your disappointments can actually make your relationship better. When you feel disappointed, figure out why and take positive action rather than complain or give up.
Action Evaluate: Are you stuck in disappointment? Do your unmet expectations rob you of the good elements of your relationships? How strong are the spiritual foundations in your life? Do you understand how God can give you supernatural resources that will impact every relationship? If you are not sure, check out the Spiritual Resource section at the end of this book.
Suggested Resource: Relationships by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
March 6, 2013
While there are many factors that shape relationships, commitment is the glue that keeps them together. There are three components of commitment which shape relationships: Emotion, Intellect and Will. None of them can stand on their own.
Positive emotions provide the catalyst necessary for the relationship to begin and continue. Intellect points out the logic of the relationship: we have the same goals in life; we have the same values. The relationship makes sense. Will determines the strength of a relationship as it is the commitment to make it work.
A new relationship seems to depend on feelings at first, whether for good or for bad. “It feels so right to be together!” Or, “The feelings are gone.” If feelings are the only glue, the relationship will not last through the storms ahead. If intellect is the only glue, there may be times when staying together may not “make sense.” For instance, is it logical to stay with someone who has had an affair? Someone who has Alzheimer’s? Simple logic might say no. If will, or pure determination, is the only glue in the relationship then it might seem cold and unfeeling, even if you do stay together.
The three together are powerful. The will holds steady when the feelings are weak. Feelings buoy the relationship and the mind filters complex emotions.
Action: Consider how have these three factors shaped and developed your relationship? How does that impact your relationship?
King Solomon once reflected…
“A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.”
- Ecclesiastes 4:12b
Gordon and I have been married for 17 years and have two wonderful children, Jasmine, 16, and Nathan, 13, whom we love very much. We love being married … but it wasn’t always like that.
From the beginning, we faced many obstacles in our marriage. The hardest one was (and still is) the disapproval of our marriage and our faith by my in-laws. This resulted in us moving away to another city to start over.
A new place, two small children and both of us working overtime to make life better –eventually it all caught up with us. We were a mess! We figured we had every right to treat each other any way we liked, regardless of how much it hurt.
In 2004, Gordon and I were considering the only option we thought was available to us: divorce. We knew we had come to a crossroad and had to find a way to end the chaos and the constant fighting. We knew it was wrong to divorce based on not being able to get along with each other, but by this time we saw no other way out.
I heard about FamilyLife Canada through a friend and found information on FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember marriage conference on the internet. With nothing to lose, we made a bargain; as a last resort, we agreed to attend the conference together in the spring of 2005. I went filled with hope and encouragement. Gordon came with hesitation – but he came.
What an unforgettable weekend that was, filled with tears and laughter. That weekend, our resentment towards each other melted. FamilyLife gave us the tools we so desperately needed. We learned we were normal after all – that we were not alone in this. We could go home and heal, using the blueprint from God we had been given. We applied it to our daily lives and found that it worked. Our love grew.
Ever since, we have felt a strong desire to come back every year and volunteer at the conference. We also host a Homebuilders Bible study in our home, meet couples one on one and promote Weekend to Remember throughout Calgary. We feel very passionate about sharing our story and letting others know about FamilyLife. We are committed to helping marriages around us, to making a difference in people’s lives,
The sad thing is that too many people just give up in today’s world. They quit, instead of finding the tools that can help them. Didn’t we almost do the same? We want to come alongside couples and encourage them. After all, if our marriage can work, anybody’s can!
Andrea and Gordon Weynschenk live in Calgary.
Help Others: Become a HomeBuilder…?
A HomeBuilder is a person who is passionate about bringing hope and help to the marriages and families. The network will grow and develop as we lock arms from coast to coast to come along side, equip and encourage the construction of strong, well built relationships and family.
We invite you to join this network of people who are committed to building strong marriages and families around them. Everyone can do something…
You could invite others to join you at events like a Weekend to Remember, a One Day Conference or a small group study.
You might want to organize and host an event that will change lives! You could host A Day Together marriage conference, a Couples Café or host a HomeBuilder’s small group in your home.
You could lead a small group HomeBuilders Study or a Marriage Oneness DVD series in your home, work place or church.
Through mentoring use your relationship experience, your story and life lessons to help others. Consider mentoring couples in your local community. Become an online mentor. Through your home computer you can come along side others from around the world.
Reaching out through connecting the felt need of the family and the spiritual openness of our culture leads to a great opportunity to meet the deep spiritual needs of so many.
Connect with the HomeBuilder network and pray for the relationships, marriages and families in your community, city, province and nation.
For more information check out the HomeBuilder overview on the familylife Canada web site or call or email homebuilders@familylifecanada.com or phone 1-877-352-6888
February 27, 2013
Every year Time magazine selects an influential person as their Person of the Year,” the person who…for better or for worse, …has done the most to influence the events of the year” (wikipedia). What would you need to do to win this award for your family this year?
Here are ten things you could say/do that might give you a chance at the “Man of the Year” award. No guarantees on the “Man of the Year” but I do guarantee the emotional warmth will go way up in your relationship!
Top ten things to say and or do…
1. Honey, I will fix that right now.
2. You’re going to have a long day, so, I’ll cook tonight.
3. You sleep in, and I’ll get up with the kids.
Even better: I’ll get up with the kids, and I’ll call you when breakfast is ready.
Even Better Yet: I’ll get up with the kids, and let me bring you breakfast in bed.
4. Let me help you with that.
Even Better: Honey, why don’t you sit down, and I’ll do that.
Even Better Yet: Honey, why don’t you sit down and just talk to me while I do that.
5. Look at her and say, “Thank you!” Wait till she says, “For what.” Then say, “You do so much to keep everything going around here, I just wanted to say thank you!” Or… “You know all my weaknesses and you love me in spite of them all. Thank you!”
6. Let’s grab a coffee and just sit and talk.
7. I picked this up (Flowers, candy, tea, perfume, etc…) on the way home just because I wanted to say I love you.
8. Honey I know you don’t like (cleaning the bathrooms, doing the laundry, mopping), so I’ll do it.
9. Let’s go shopping together.
10. You are one sexy woman!
Action: Pick two or three things you will work at saying and/or doing in the next two or three weeks.
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