From a distance, “disabled” always seemed like an innocuous word. It was simply an adjective that described a set of physical circumstances. It’s a word I’ve often used, never aware of its power. But when a friend used that word to describe someone that I love I had a startling realization. Up close, “disabled” sounds an awful lot like “broken”.
I remember thinking “she’s not disabled she just can’t hear!” I was angry that someone would label her that way. And then I saw the fallacy in my words. He’s not disabled, he just can’t walk, she just can’t speak, his brain just hasn’t developed. . . How quickly my thinking changed.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
I remember so clearly the day we learned that my niece Corrina is deaf. To be precise, I remember the following morning. I was in church and as the congregation began to sing I realized that music would not be a part of Corrina’s world. Tears ran down my cheeks, silent and unstoppable. It was so brutally unfair.
Our family is fairly musical. My entire childhood ran to a soundtrack of my Dad playing piano in the dining room. We always sang in the car on road trips, we’re champion whistlers. To this day my older brother will phone from the other side of the world to sing to me on my birthday. The idea that Corrina would be outside of that, cut off from it, just broke my heart. I kept thinking, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
I am one of them now.
Someone in my family is different. She has special needs and it has changed the way I see things. Corrina’s parents choose to pursue cochlear implants for her. The implants are an amazing, though controversial, technology that doesn’t restore hearing, but does give the brain an alternate way to process sound. With surgery and years of therapy Corrina has learned to hear, to speak and even to sing. She has come so far.
But she is still deaf. Anytime she has to take her processors off – at night, in the bath, at the pool, going down plastic slides – she is returned to her silent world. The processors are very visible, and always will be. Corrina will live her life immediately identified as someone who is different.
It’s so interesting watching adults and children react around Corrina. Adults will often look away. They won’t mention it or they might ask if she has hearing aids. Children are much more direct. Once in a park a little boy came up to my sister in law and asked “Why does she have those things on her head?” When Janie told him that they were there to help Corrina hear his face lit up. “Like a robot?” he asked, delighted. He asked if they hurt and Janie assured him that they did not and then the little boy went back to playing with Corrina.
Once again I am reminded of how much we can learn from children. Some adults would scoff at the boy’s direct question, but it was honest and not mean spirited. Something was different and he wanted to understand. I know Janie would much rather explain Corrina’s situation that have her be ignored or have the other children look away.
I don’t think of Corrina as disabled or broken, she’s just deaf. She’s also tall, red haired, quick to laugh and eager to help. Her deafness is a part of who she is but it does not define her. I’m sure that the same can be said of anyone who faces a physical challenge.
We hope and pray that our children will be born whole and healthy and many are, but not all. It seems only fair that a child be given a body that works, a fresh start to begin with. I wish I could tell you why some children have health issues, why some never leave the hospital, why others are taken so soon. I do not have an answer to that.
I’m sure there are schools of thought on whether or not “disabled” is a nice word. For me, it’s one that I avoid. It may seem like semantics but I think it’s more than that. People are people first. What we do, what are skills and limitations are, are an afterthought. They do not define our hearts. I know this: Corrina is not broken or damaged. She’s deaf. And she’s wonderful.
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A couple of weeks ago I was right in the middle of downtown Vancouver when Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal in the men’s hockey final at the 2010 Olympics. The roar that came up from the crowd was incredible. Walking down the street people were laughing and cheering and waving flags. Perfect strangers were high fiving EVERYONE.
On a usual day, people downtown don’t try to touch you, but on this day there were open smiles and invitations. People wanted to connect, to celebrate together. So I walked down the street slapping hands with people I will never meet again. It struck me how easy it is to connect when we’re willing. How often we hold ourselves back from that.
Holding back
The desire to hold back is very common. I think we do it to protect ourselves, to keep from getting hurt. We’ve convinced ourselves that we shouldn’t want that connection. But the idea of separateness is a very modern one. Not so long ago living communally was vital for survival.
Just last month my brother was in India and had the pleasure of participating in a community lunch. Dozens of people were up on the roof all preparing food together. Men and women, young and old, they chopped vegetables and called out to their neighbors. Dave was struck by the joy in they had in making dinner, a task we often see as a chore.
So much is possible when we work together, but so often our instinct is not to get involved. I wondered if it’s simply a part of our North American thinking, but I read article recently that challenged that.
In his article “Stand By” Shaun Smith asks “What if I decide to make a difference and it doesn’t make any difference at all?” I think this is the real reason that so often, we back away. What if I make the effort and am rejected? What if I spend resources and nothing changes? The problem is, this question screams at us so loudly we miss the other question lingering in its shadow “what if I become familiar with doing nothing at all.”
Take a minute to read Shaun’s article, you won’t be disappointed. Do you find it easy to reach out to others?
Sixteen years old and in need of hope he was a hard-shelled kid from a tumultuous home. He had two brothers, four sisters, and a mom who worked three jobs to keep the family afloat. All he needed was hope. He and his oldest brother came to our student ministries group that Wednesday. On Thursday, he laid down in front of an oncoming train.
Powerlessness. Futility.
These are two words that devour my soul. What could I have done differently? It makes me feel as though I am a bystander. I’m not in the moment, I’m watching someone else’s moment. I try to get involved, try to encourage the weak, try to make a difference. But moments still slip past, people still stumble and I feel like a bystander.
The call to be a difference-maker
A struggle I have with the concept of change stems from my early Christian experience. One morning a well-meaning pastor preached “You could cure cancer, and it still wouldn’t be enough.” He was highlighting the difference that Jesus makes. Jesus turns me from darkness into light – a 180 degree turn in my final destiny. In one sense, I suppose that’s true. That’s a big difference. But what about change now?
Where is the call to be a difference maker? Does making a difference in Haiti have an impact? Does engaging my neighbor, thanking my bus driver, owning up to the hurt I cause when I live selfishly make a difference? Jesus calls me, and us, to great things. In John 14:12, he says, “anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these.”
Does this mean that I am not living up to my Christian faith when I’m not healing people, saving people, and bringing people back from the dead? Is this a call to greater miracles, loftier aspirations, and more incredible physical healings? Is change just about trying to one-up Jesus?
Washing windows at a bus stop
At my public transit station, there is a man who cleans the windows every morning. People listen to their iPods, stare at the floor, and gather outside when the bus comes to take them away. No one is there to admire the view. Is this the kind of change I’m called to? I do the best I can in my sphere of influence, but in the end, it feels as though
I’m washing windows at a bus stop.
I sit and watch the window washer. While he washes windows, he talks to people – anyone – about everything. While people sit and wait and watch for their bus, here is this man who washes windows who talks to strangers. He reminds me of the whispering voice of God, calling me to change my world. I hear the whisper over the cheer of the bystander.
Greater things than these
There are times when I do get involved. It makes me uncomfortable, or it’s awkward, or it’s a disruption in my busy schedule. I think of all the things that could possibly go wrong. What if I helped that person holding four grocery bags and walking on an icy street? What if I donated a little more of time helping kids learn to read?
What if I decide to make a difference and it doesn’t make any difference at all?
The allure of the bystander is that it keeps me safe. I don’t risk anything, and I am rewarded for it. With my peace. With my dignity. With my selfishness.
And so today, I stand by the casket of the boy who laid down in front of a train. I talk to his brother and ask how he’s doing. I offer my condolences, my support, my house if he needs a place to sleep or vent or just heal. I am compelled by the whisper of God to make a difference.
Change. Impact.
These are two words that create life in me. And a call to greater things.
Losing in an Olympic event would be feel disappointing, to say the least. Losing due to a technicality, when you had the best time and were expected to win, would be even harder. Losing a gold medal because of a coach’s mistake? Devastating.
That was exactly what Netherlands speed skater Sven Kramer faced at the 2010 Winter Olympics. As Kramer skated in the 10,000m competition, his coach, Gerard Kemkers, mistakenly waved him toward the inside track instead of the outside track where the skater had been heading. The coach’s error led to Kramer being disqualified from the race, even though based on his time he placed first and would’ve won the gold medal.
People wondered whether Kramer would be able to forgive his coach. Kramer himself probably wondered if he would be able to forgive. And even if he could, would the rest of his country be able to forgive this public blunder of epic proportions? The chief sports editor for the Dutch newspaper The Telegraph commented that “This is a historic mistake. I think in Holland, over 50 years, we will still remember this mistake.” (Source: NPR)
We have all made mistakes in our own lives. While ours were not likely scrutinized by the world as Kemkers’ was, many of them seem just as meaningful to us, especially moral choices. From lapses in judgment to ignoring our own ethical standards in the misguided pursuit of some goal, the effects of a seemingly simple moral choice can end up haunting us for years.
The result is that many people are saddled with guilt. The proper way to deal with guilt is not denial; but how can we continue to have self-confidence in ourselves despite our mistakes and moral failures? If you feel like you’ve really messed up, you may appreciate Peter’s situation. He claimed he would follow his mentor even to death if necessary, but eventually Peter abandoned his mentor (and best friend). Read about how Peter’s guilt and anxiety were assuaged.
If you are struggling with issues of guilt and anxiety, and need someone to talk with, please contact us to talk today. You will be matched up (confidentially) with someone familiar with your struggles who will reply privately to you via email.
This Sunday millions will watch as the Oscars are handed out for the eighty-second time. I will probably watch, although I find the choice of hosting duo Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin a dubious one. Couldn’t they let Steve handle it alone? I miss Billy Crystal and his musical monologue.
An article in the New York Times suggested that Oscar is due for another change. Author Kim Elsesser asks why, after all this time men and women are not allowed to compete against each other for the Best Actor Oscar? We’ve done away with the term “actress” for the most part but on Oscar night, the divide remains.
She writes:
Since the first Academy Awards ceremony in 1929, separate acting Oscars have been presented to men and women. Women at that time had only recently won the right to vote and were still several decades away from equal rights outside the voting booth, so perhaps it was reasonable to offer them their own acting awards. But in the 21st century women contend with men for titles ranging from the American president to the American Idol. Clearly, there is no reason to still segregate acting Oscars by sex.
It’s certainly an interesting idea, but what struck me most about her comment was that I had genuinely never thought about it before. I did not even notice that the Oscars were gender-split. I wonder if that’s a good sign or a bad one? You don’t have to look far beyond our own borders to see that women in North America have it pretty good. Yes, there are still places where things are unfair. But in North America no one is altering our bodies without our consent, or forcing us into unwanted marriages or telling us we can’t leave the house.
It’s interesting to think that in the midst of so much positive change, there are still splits that have stood for so long we don’t even see them. The Best Director category is not gender-specific, nor are any of the technical Oscars, where admittedly there are more men than women in the field. What are the messages hiding behind our attempts to be inclusive? Elsesser goes on to say that “separate is not equal” which is true, but equal is not always fair. So here’s one more question for your Oscar ballot: do you think the Oscars should be gender-blind?
How do you define yourself? Try our interactive Life Lesson What’s in Your Bag? for an intriguing look at the way we tell our own stories.
Image courtesy of Jeroen Miedema . Used with permission. You can see more of Jeron’s photos on Flickr.
If you are like me, or any other human in the known universe, you probably struggle with breaking bad habits. But this is not something that I condemn myself about. It isn’t something that paralyzes my everyday life and stops me from moving ahead.
I know that I was intended for something greater than this, that I have a greater purpose so I shouldn’t dwell on negatives. Author Erwin McManus speaks about this in his book Soul Cravings, saying “We are designed with a need to move forward. Without it our lives become only shadows of what they could have been” (see Erwin speak more about our longing for Destiny.) Wallowing in bad habits is not an option.
Feeling stuck
Realizing that you are stuck in a negative pattern in a particular area of your life may not be easy. When I become aware that I have been actively acting poorly, and have fallen into bad habits, I stop and take stock. It is the most beneficial thing that you can do for yourself to move forward. There are some questions to ask so that you can assess where you are in the process:
Stuck in a bad habit
Getting rid of the old habits will depend on being able to pin exactly what it is that brings about the negative actions time and time again. In the next few weeks, reflect on yourself whenever you notice your negative habits appearing. After every occurrence, make notes about what happened before you found yourself in that situation, and what lead it to occur. What were you thinking and feeling before, during, and especially after it happened?
Once you have come to realize exactly what the old habit is, and WHY you continue to do it, you can focus on brining personal relief to the situation. Do you need to work on self-confidence, being in groups, stress, or handling criticism? There are many reasons that you may have slipped into this negative behavior. I know that almost every time I catch myself engaging in a negative behavior pattern, it is a symptom of a far greater problem. The diagnosis has been different for me nearly every time. But the desire to face the problems head on and move past it has been a constant.
Refusing to be held in a pattern
After you acknowledge the reasons and feelings behind the behavior, you need to move onto the next step: Changing the habit. What are alternative and healthier reactions that you can pursue the next time you feel yourself slipping? How can you change your ways of thinking and viewing the subject that will allow you to prosper instead on fall into a negative pattern? Try to think of positive and healthy ways.
When you notice yourself slipping into the old ways, simply stop. Take a breather. Count in your head, take a deep breath and reassess the situation. I would again suggest that you should write down what initially triggered you, and how you began to react. This will help you avoid these reactions in the future and to start to respond in a positive manner.
Moving forward
Be patient. Nothing is fixed in mere moments. Getting rid of the old to allow room for the new in your life is not going to be an easy process. You WILL slip into your old behaviors from time to time. But you are still moving in the right direction if you don’t give up!
Now keep the momentum going! Be patient with yourself, and set up a system to address when you are slipping behind. Have a point person. Having someone that you feel comfortable to discuss these situations with will be greatly beneficial. It’s healthy for us to simply share our thoughts and emotions, feelings and struggles with another who is not there to judge, but to offer understanding and support.
Do you want to talk to someone about making changes in your life? Email us and you’ll be matched with mentors who are trained volunteers with real life experience who can answer questions, point you to other resources, or just listen.
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If you could wish for anything in the world, what do you most desire? Take a minute and dream big. If you could write the story of your life any way at all, what would it look like? What would you give in exchange for the satisfaction of that longing?
We all long for something more – and it’s not necessarily the things you can buy at the mall. We crave intimacy, destiny and meaning. We want to connect and we want our lives to mean something.
Are you ready to explore your cravings? Join us for a five part video series by author Erwin McManus. For each video there is a Life Lesson to dig deeper into the topic. Fill in the lesson and you’ll be matched with a coach who will respond to your answers. Life Lessons are a great way to explore a new topic on your own schedule. All Life Lessons happen online so you can set your own schedule and there is never a fee.
Get started today!
Watch the first Video – What do you Crave?
Take the Life Lesson: Soul Craving – Crave
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As we headed outside for some fresh air after the “Golden Goal” a man saw my Canada jersey and said, “I guess Mr. Crosby made your day. Maybe your year!” The euphoria was amazing and the patriotism was over the top. People talking to me on the street, cars honking and waving, flags proudly displayed! I loved it!
But was it the greatest goal? Paul Henderson’s winning goal in the 1972 Summit Series between Canada and the Soviet Union may still be the best. That whole series was “us” vs “them”, capitalism vs communism. It was the first real challenge to the supremacy of Canadian hockey players. Back in ’72 we were in the cold war. It was a cultural battle that many believed was between the right and wrong way to govern. We were free, the USSR was behind the Iron Curtain. For many people, there was a lot more than hockey being contested on that ice.
Ironically, Paul Henderson didn’t get to see part of this Sunday’s game between Canada and the USA. You might think the hockey legend would be glued to the screen, or possibly catching the game from the good seats at Canada Hockey Place. But he wasn’t. Henderson missed part of the game because he was speaking at a Weekend to Remember marriage conference for FamilyLife. On a day when every Canadian was a hockey fan, why would he of all people miss part of the game to teach about marriage?
To Paul, the greater goal, is a healthy marriage. At the conference he clearly articulated that at the centre of a healthy marriage is a relationship with Jesus Christ. On a Sunday when many debated which was the greatest goal, Paul made a clear statement. Marriage with God at the centre is really the “Golden Goal.” It wasn’t just this Sunday that Paul placed such a high value on his faith and family life. You can read or watch a video about Paul’s life here.
For some of us, a single moment will set the course of our lives. For Henderson and Crosby, it was a moment of greatness, for others it is a moment of tragedy. Are people like Henderson and Crosby destined for greatness? Or are they simply in the right place at the right time? You can explore the concept with Erwin McManus in his videos on craving destiny. Do you ever wonder if you are destined?
Has there been a single, defining moment in your life? Tell us about it in the comments.
Kelly Clark, a member of the US Olympic Women’s Snowboarding team, knows a lot about pressure. The gold medalist from the 2002 Olympic Winter games, a bad landing kept her out of the medals in 2006. This year she’s in Vancouver looking to add another medal to her collection.
Being an Olympian comes with a lot of pressure. “If you know that people love you for who you are not what you do you can deal with the pressure,” Kelly said. You watch the video to learn more about how she handles life at the top of her game:
Do you ever feel that the people around you only see what you do and not who you really are? If so, you’re not alone. In his book, Soul Cravings, author Erwin McManus talks at length about our soul craving for intimacy. “All of us have this craving to belong, to connect.” In part one of his discussion of the craving for intimacy, Erwin McManus talks about love, the most dangerous human condition. You can watch Erwin’s talk on intimacy.
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It takes a lifetime of focus, practice, effort and dedication to take an athlete to the Olympic games. In this clip Canadian Olympic speed skater Cindy Klassen talks about the sacrifices it takes to make it to the games.
She says, “Putting everything into sport means you can’t do everything else.” Watch the video:
It may be on a different scale, but are all constantly choosing. Some of our choices are active, others are passive. As much as we might not like to admit it, not taking action, not choosing is a choice in itself.
If you’re looking for a new way to manage your time and choices, try our life lesson Manage Your Time Wisely. You will be matched with an online mentor who will respond to your answers to the lesson and offer next steps and resources.
Do you find it easy to be disciplined? What has helped you reach your goals?
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