If you do a Google search on “wedding stress” you’ll get over 70 million results. 

For most people a wedding is the largest, most expensive and most important event you will ever host.  If you’re planning a wedding and feeling that stress, you are not alone.   It can be tempting to think that there just isn’t time to add a “de-stressing” to-do to your lists. But if you can, carve out that time.  You don’t want to be so focused on the wedding that you forget to plan for the marriage itself.

If you are getting married, our free book for brides is full of ideas and information as you plan for a lifetime together. There is also a series of online lessons you can do with a coach to help you prepare to share you life.  These lessons can be done anytime, from anywhere you have an internet connection.

Topics include:

• Dealing with stress
• Anticipation
• Dealing with differences
• How to share your life without losing yourself

Over the series of lessons you’ll learn things you can invest in your relationship now that will reap benefits long into your life together.  Each lesson takes about half an hour to complete.  Grab a cup of tea and quiet corner and let a coach walk with you as you prepare to walk the aisle.  If you have any questions along the way we’re happy to help and we’ll pray for you as your special day approaches.

Start the first lesson today!

See the full list of lessons for brides 

 This post originally appeared in Jonathan McKee’s blog on www.TheSource4Parents.com  

“If no one watches, they don’t have a game!” –Gale

It’s a little ironic that some parents are objecting to the violent premise of The Hunger Games. “It’s kids killing other kids!” In actuality, The Hunger Games compels the audience to value life, mourn death, and literally gasp at violence.

It’s sad that The Hunger Games is being compared to Twilight and other teenage fodder, because truly…there’s no comparison. The Hunger Games has proven to be so much more. The film, based on Suzanne Collins’ best selling book, was powerful and thought provoking, an amazing social commentary about our society’s growing callousness toward violence.

If you caught my blog a few days ago, I shared four important questions I encouraged parents to ask about films to help them teach their kids discernment:

1. Is this story glorifying violence or inappropriate sexual situations?
2. Is this story making “bad” look “good” or enticing?
3. Does this story irresponsibly display imitatable attitudes and behaviors that our kids will absorb and eventually emulate?
4. Does this story needlessly sell out to showing “eye candy” like nudity or gratuitous violence?

Now that I have seen The Hunger Games, I not only vehemently express my approval for the film, I can also attest that it didn’t include any of those four inappropriate or irresponsible elements.

The film was superior on so many levels, but I think one element that resonated with me the most was the glaring contrast between the impoverished districts struggling day to day for a meager existence, fighting for mere scraps of food, while the haughty Capital City lived pampered, overindulgent lives. The Capital City’s condescending attitude was disheartening, but their callous disregard for human life is what took the cake. A gladiatoresque reality show featuring kids killing kids was pure entertainment to these monsters.

At this point I almost expect someone to scroll down to my comment section and suggest, “Aren’t we similar monsters if we watch the movie?”

Before you do, allow me a moment to propose two responses to this accusation:

First, are we never to tell any tales of such monsters?
Is it improper to tell a story about good and evil? Should we steer our kids clear of any of these cold realities about human nature?

The Bible is full of horrific stories of rampant sin and its consequence: Cain and Able (kids killing kids), Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot and his daughters (Eeew!). Fairy tales have long told anecdotes about evil villains luring kids into ovens, deceiving young girls to eat poison apples, and even wolves disguised as Grandma enticing cute little granddaughters close enough to eat. C.S. Lewis told marvelous stories about kids traveling to an imaginary land where they fought bloody battles against an entire army and an evil witch. Several of these films have made it to the big screen.

Someone call Westboro Baptist. We should protest all of these stories!

Perhaps we should stop over-reacting, and instead, begin interacting with our kids about good vs. evil, even using some of these amazing pieces of literature as a discussion springboard.

Second, The Hunger Games film responsibly made good look good, and evil look evil.
Sadly, today’s media often makes bad look good. Not the case with The Hunger Games. This 2-hour-and-22 minute film will not only keep you on the edge of your seat, it paints a stark contrast between good and evil. It won’t take audiences long to recognize the many appearances of evil: hypocrisy, injustice, exploitation, complete disregard for human life…and plain ol’ murder.

Then there’s Katniss.

I’m not really giving away much of a spoiler when I tell you that Katniss, our heroine, begins the film by selflessly sacrificing herself, instead of a loved one, to take part in the heinous fight to the death known as the Hunger Games. Katniss demonstrates honor, mercy and self sacrifice throughout the film. Some might be bothered that she isn’t a pacifist—she does defend herself and others. But Katniss is a true hero, something we don’t always see or read about in stories today.

Social Commentary… without Selling Out
Let’s be real. The filmmakers had a tough job. How do you provide social commentary about a society entertained by “gladiators” … without becoming the very society you depict? I was impressed, if not amazed with director Gary Ross’ finished product. Ross artistically transformed the novel’s first person perspective so that audiences connected with Katniss, quickly empathizing with her, carrying her burdens…feeling her pain.

There’s a moment in the film where two lives are taken in one moment…and something happened in my theatre that I haven’t heard in years. The theatre literally gasped. Sadly, today’s movies are so chock-full of senseless violence, I’ve often heard laughter or cheers when someone is killed onscreen.

Not in The Hunger Games.

Ross created a mood that recognized the horror of killing. In The Hunger Games death is mourned. Noble heroes wept in this film. Many in the audience cried as well. I cried twice…but I cry easy.

In a way it reminds me of what Clint Eastwood did with his powerful film, Unforgiven. How often do films portray the mental anguish that one experiences after killing someone? In Unforgiven, we repeatedly see people experience the guilt and complete change of heart that occurs when they take someone else’s life. This is contrasted to a few characters who are numb to the effects of pulling the trigger.

Hunger Games paints a similar distinction. Killing isn’t to be taken lightly. Ethical lines are drawn in the sand.

Too intense for most kids under 13

And for the icing on the cake, Ross magically refrains from showing gratuitous violence. Don’t get me wrong. This film is probably too intense for most kids under 13. At times we see glimpses of the horror taking place, but Ross shows incredible discernment, making sure that his film doesn’t become a spectacle like the games themselves.

In short, The Hunger Games was heart wrenching, powerful and thought-provoking. I’ll be seeing it with my girls (14 and 16) this week with no hesitation. Will it make it to my Blu Ray shelf? The odds are highly in favor.

Jonathan McKee, president of The Source for Youth Ministry, is the author of numerous books including the new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, and youth ministry books like Ministry By Teenagers, Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation, and the award winning book Do They Run When They See You Coming? Jonathan speaks and trains at conferences, churches and events across North America, all while providing free resources for youth workers and parents on his websites, TheSource4YM.com and TheSource4Parents.com. You can follow Jonathan on his blog, getting a regular dose of youth culture and parenting help. Jonathan and his wife Lori, and their three teenagers Alec, Alyssa and Ashley live in California.

Making the connection

Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning:  that look she gave you might not  even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.

The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.

Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her,  help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:

“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.”  Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227  

Growing together

So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability.  You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”.  Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.

Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?

I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording.  Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.

Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.

Fatigue. This is a no brainer.  What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.  Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.

By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.

One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.  Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it.  Communication is really important.  She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

One of my fondest childhood memories

Every day we would open one of the cardboard doors and behind each one we’d find a tiny chocolate. Every one of the chocolates was uniquely molded in a Christmas related shape. It was a fun diversion for us as kids as we impatiently awaited the arrival of Christmas day. But it doesn’t tell us much about the actual season of Advent. What is Advent?

The season of Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas, somewhere between November 27 and December 3, depending on the year.  Advent is the period leading up to Christmas, which celebrates the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ. It is unknown when this tradition first began, but this period of waiting is often seen in the Christian tradition as a reminder that the world remains waiting for Jesus’ return.

The traditional color of Advent is purple, the color often associated with royalty, although today blue and red are also used. Modern day celebrations of Advent include  Advent calendars, Advent wreaths, lighting special Advent candles, and a series of themed Sunday messages leading up to Christmas day.

Take the next step:

Was Jesus born on December 25th?
Take a lesson: Discovering Advent
Home Alone for the Holidays – When the most joyous time of year … isn’t.

Do you or your family have Advent traditions? Share them with us in the comments!

Image credit: tollens, used with permission, Creative Commons 2.0 License.

Through the curtains my husband handed me a towel.  As I wrapped the fresh white towel around my shivering shoulders, deep warmth wrapped itself all around my thawing frame.  My husband had warmed the towel in the dryer!  I cannot describe how magical it felt.

The warmth of the towel seeped into my skin as my husband’s thoughtfulness saturated my soul.  I felt loved.  What a gift! It was a simple act of kindness that warmed my body and heart.

Now… before you start thinking that this kind of romance naturally occurs within the Born household, can I set the record straight?  This wasn’t my hubby’s own idea.  Nope.  He didn’t come up with this on his own. He got it from a book.  But… who cares? As I enshrouded my body with that warm towel, I didn’t give a hoot where the idea came from.  I was relishing in his implementation of the idea. That was the gift.

Have you got a Christmas gift for your spouse yet?  According to the guy on the radio, if you don’t have your gifts by now… it’s too late.  But I don’t believe him.  Come on, they’ve been playing Christmas music for months already.  The pressure tactics of consumerism are little over the top.

For Christmas this year, my husband and I are giving each other the gift of attending a marriage conference together.  Now, marriage conferences aren’t cheap, so we’ll be saving up for it. But I’m thinking it’ll be more like an investment. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the desire to learn new ways of saying “I love you” – whether the ideas come from a book, a marriage seminar or from your own creativity.  No matter what stage a marriage is at (and we’ve been through ebbs and flows of our own) there is always hope for a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

So with the warm towel in mind, think about giving a gift that will change your relationship.  Find out new ways to say I love you.  Pick up a marriage book.  Plan to attend a marriage seminar.  Go for coffee with a friend and share some ideas.  Choosing to learn new ways to love your spouse is a life-changing gift. Now that’s a real gift.

Take the next step:

Find a marriage conference near you: US schedule Canadian schedule
Do you have questions about marriage? Come talk to a mentor

Originally posted on dorisdoumaborn.wordpress.com . Used with permission.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

The In Flanders Fields poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae on May 3 1915. He wrote it after witnessing the death of his friend on the battlefield the day before. It is a solemn reminder of the atrocities of war and an admonishment to steadfastly remain vigilant even when faced with terrifying adversity.

On this day we honor those who bravely fought for freedom and justice, and many of whom bravely gave their lives for the noble cause. It goes by different names in different places, including Remembrance Day, Veteran’s Day, Poppy Day, and Armistice Day, but the sentiment is the same: Not to glorify the tragedy of war, but to commemorate the valor of those who fought to defend their country.

Brigadier General (ret.) Robinson Risner, a veteran pilot who fought in World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, is one of those brave military soldiers who we should remember today. Despite being shot down twice over enemy territory, and being captured and tortured, each time it happened he wasted no time taking to the skies again, ready to serve his country. Read his story: Enduring Torture in a POW Camp

Please feel free to share your own stories of remembrance or commemoration in the comments below. If you feel the need to speak with someone in private, our online mentors are always available to listen.

Are you in the middle of a moving your family

Until he was 6, we had never celebrated my son’s birthday in the same place twice.  From France we moved to Orlando, then British Columbia, and finally to northwest Washington where we live currently. Did I just say “currently”? It’s exhausting just reading through that list.

While there is something exciting about moving, it is always a lot of work.  Moving has forced me to forgo a lot of sentimentality as I purge, and I’ve found that it gets harder as I get older.  Our kids, their schooling and their activities helped us to integrate more easily into our small town.  Now our son has left for college and our daughter is more and more independent. After a certain age, most people have an extended family and an established circle of long-time friends. It is hard to break in.

Feeling rootless

We never imagined our life this way, but it somehow just happened.  I certainly didn’t grow up like this.  My parents married and after a short time away from home, they eventually settled in the southeastern town where they had grown up. They were born and died in that area, as were their parents before them.  My husband’s parents still live in the flat in Chicago where he spent most of his growing up years.

We have always been gypsies, far from any immediate or extended family, and sometimes we feel rootless. At the same time, I would say our lives are in many ways richer for all the people we have encountered, and all the experiences we have accumulated along the way. But there are definitely times when I think how nice it would be to have family close by.

While I always managed to bumble my way through many of these moves, just like in any new venture, good advice can go long way toward making this phase less traumatic.  Gina Roberts-Grey offers some great tips from her experience in helping families make that difficult transition go from trauma to adventure.

• Kids need information too. As much as you can show them where they will go to school, where they will play soccer. Help them to imagine what it will be like.
• Host a party.  Invite the neighborhood kids over to your place to make it easier for kids to meet everyone.
• Explore together.  When you get to your new home, go on an adventure to discover your new favorite places together.

You can read the rest of her article, “The Secrets to Successful Relocating” for more great moving tips.

Moving is always a hassle, but if you’re able to see the possibilities it can be an adventure too.   If you are in the midst of a move and need someone to talk to, our mentors are always available.

Take the next step:

How to have a kid-friendly move
Get to know the neighborhood by volunteering
Has the move stressed you out? Can we pray for you today? 

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor. 

There are many reasons a woman may experience a diminished sex drive.  Men and women are very different sexually.  Women are emotionally driven while men are more physically driven.  The stage of life can be a factor or there could be a physical problem.  Fatigue is also a major issue for many women.  It could be that she does not feel that there is enough true intimacy in the marriage.  Emotional intimacy goes way beyond sex and needs to be in place for to engage.  Yes, women are complex, but you already knew that!

Men are very visual and physically based.  Men see what they want and are turned on.  They are also driven by an accumulation of sperm that needs to be released in a timely manner, if not released it continues to build in a physical need/urge for release.  Women do not have a physical counterpart for this drive. Women are attracted to a man based on how he treats her and the depth of her emotional relationship with him.  Does she feel safe, loved, cared for, wanted, beautiful, helped?  What is happening with emotional intimacy greatly affects sexual intimacy.  All of these things and more add to her desire.

Outside influences

Her lack of desire may not be about you at all.  Sex outside of marriage, whether due to one’s own choices or due to abuse, can be a big culprit for robbing desire in marriage. Oxytocin, a chemical released during orgasm will bond partners.  (Refer to the book Kiss Me Again Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, to learn more about oxytocin’s role in sexuality.)   Past sexual experiences, even positive ones, do have an effect on your current sexual relationship.

Don’t relate her lack of desire to the way you feel, because men and women are so VERY different on this topic.  Interpreting her lack of desire as rejection is painful and dangerous when it may not be about you but about her and where she is at right now.  It could be any number of things. If she experienced childhood abuse I recommend the book Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. For dealing with past relationships Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson is an excellent resource.  Once the past is cleared up you can both move forward together!

It may be about you after all:  the two of you

If there are emotional issues between the two of you this will diminish her drive.  She needs to feel free to express herself in all areas.  She needs to be free to be honest in her emotions, even if this upsets you.  You need to control your response to her anger so she does not feel punished or abused. This can lead to freer expression in the bedroom as well.  If she feels that she cannot be herself there is a break-down in true intimacy.  Intimacy is about so much more than sex.

Resentment can be another emotional stumbling block in the pursuit of a woman’s desire.  There could be any number of things she resents you for.  It could be an attitude or action, current or past.  If she resents you it needs to be resolved.  It could be something you are not aware of, she may not even realize resentment is the cause.  (A good counselor can be a gift in resolving these issues.)  Things that get shoved under the proverbial rug are a major source of resentment.

If you think this is the issue, the two of you can sit down and have a heart to heart discussion.  Ask her if there is anything now or in the past that she resents you for.   Give her time to think and process.  If nothing comes to mind right away give her opportunity to come back with an answer.  Give her the freedom to have a long list or a short list to share with you.  If the list is longer than you thought, be careful how you respond.  You do not want to diminish this intimate interaction by reacting harshly.  True intimacy includes honest interaction with both parties feeling safe to express themselves.

Be aware that if she has not felt free to express herself there may be a time period that the pendulum swings and it feels pretty one sided for a time.  You may need to bite your tongue and take what comes at you for a while as she works on becoming more honest with her emotions and expressions.  You need to provide an extra safe place while she learns to walk this new path.  Her first steps will be tentative.  Once this relating pattern becomes more normal the pendulum should land in the middle with back and forth interactions about how you both feel.

Marriage is not 50/50 contract, it is about meeting each others’ needs.  This involves one spouse making sacrifices at certain points in the journey.  That being said, one spouse should not make ALL the sacrifices, it goes back and forth over time.  Being able to express oneself is important in marriage and sexuality in order to achieve true intimacy.

What is true intimacy?

True intimacy is the ability to express who you are and be accepted at all levels.  Relationships get stuck at whatever intimacy level is forged when you start having sex.  Sexual intimacy masquerades as a substitute for emotional intimacy.  The right foundation is achieved when sexual intimacy is introduced after a couple is married AND has previously achieved the fifth level of emotional intimacy.

If sex is introduced at a lower level of emotional intimacy the relationship gets stuck in a lower level.  Intimacy can only progress as far as both people are able to.  For example if he can function at level five but she is stuck at level three the relationship will stay at the lower level, level three.  Lasting love needs the ability to overcome emotional stressors and the real pressures of life, such as anger, conflict, stress, fatigue, etc.   If your relationship is stuck at a premature intimacy level, it may show up in a wife’s lack of sex drive.  Here is a basic list of the emotional intimacy levels:

Level 1: Safe communication (meeting a stranger in the grocery store)

Level 2: Others’ opinions and beliefs (my boss said. . .)

Level 3: Personal opinions and beliefs (I think that …. )

Level 4: My feelings and experiences (this is what happened to me – joy, pain, sorrow)

Level 5: My needs, emotions and desires (this is my deepest self, my secrets)

If this sounds like it might be an issue for you, there is hope.  Going back and restoring the emotional intimacy can be done and will be very rewarding for both of you. To read a full article on the intimacy levels click here.  The book I recommend is Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson.

Boundaries can play a big part in her waning desire

One VERY common issue for married partners is the difference in libido.  Many couples do not agree on how often they should have sex.  In fact many men express, “I want to have sex as often as I can and she seems like she could care less.  What are we supposed to do?”  For some men they feel a personal sense of rejection if she does not want to have sex with him.  He may feel unloved and hurt by this perceived rejection.

A common response is to push more and become persistent to the point of demanding that your sexual desires be met; especially if you feel this is your “right” and “need”. She may feel backed into a corner and feel that she has no choice.  This is especially true for a Christian woman who has been told that her body belongs to her husband and she is the only means of fulfilling his desire/need.  Desire takes flight under these circumstances and makes a quick exit.  People who feel pushed into something don’t have opportunity to decide if they really want it for themselves.

The problem with this scenario is that in order to be free to really say yes fully, one needs to have the freedom to no.  The book Boundaries in Marriage, by Townsend and Cloud talks about this.  They call it The Law of Motivation and describe it like this:

The law of motivation states that we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.  No one can actually love another if she feels she doesn’t have a choice not to.  Giving your time, love, or vulnerability to your spouse requires that you make your own choice based on your values not out of fear.  HAVING to do anything is a sign that someone is afraid.  Fear works against love.  The “have to” destroys the “choose to”.

Putting this quote in context of feminine sexuality, means that her desire has a chance to grow and flourish when she feels that she has a choice and that her desire matters.  Does your wife have a choice?

Finally, are your own sexually deviant choices affecting her?

This could be a wide range of behaviors.  Men think in a compartment format.  For example, he might think, “Viewing pornography has nothing to do with my wife, it does not affect my marriage, and therefore it is ok.  What I do on my own time to relax is my business.  After all men are, visual, so it is fine.”  Wrong, wrong, and wrong!  It does affect your wife. (Here is a video) Stop it!  You may be able to view images and not compare her to them, (or maybe you cannot), but if she knows you have an issue with pornography (or sees you watching other women at the beach in front of her) she will compare herself to other women and guess who comes up short every time?!  She does.

This is especially true of published pictures, because those models are all edited and enhanced.  Real women, your wife included, hate this!  If a woman feels compared to others, it is very hurtful and damaging to her, her self-esteem, and therefore your marriage.  This feeling of inadequacy robs the intimacy from your marriage.

So if you are doing this or other deviant behaviors (there are many more than mentioned here) and wonder why she does not want to have sex, think about the scenario you are creating, from her perspective.  Do you want her talking about how wonderful other men are and then expect to feel good about sex together?  Do you want to wonder if she is thinking about someone else when the two of you are together?  Sex is designed for two people to enjoy each other, bringing in a third party is not acceptable, images included!   For more information on this topic see:  Erosive Influence of Porn Upon Husbands, www.sexaddict.com, Pornography and Addiction

Support her in her journey

Take the time and initiative to support her needs, even if you don’t understand them.  They may go against your needs and desires for a time, but the result is worth your sacrifice.  Depending on what the issue is, she may need to take a break from sex for a time, or be the only one to initiate sex for a time.  Realize that she has a need in this area and support her in the journey toward progress.  This may include working on emotional intimacy that includes more sensual experience than sexual.  For example, take time to cuddle naked and talk about sexual likes and dislikes, without the expectation that it to lead to sex.  Create a safe environment for her to grow and express herself without feeling pressured or pushed, one where her desire can grow and have expression when it comes.

Recognize that the process may involve pain, but pain does not always equate to “bad”.  Pain can indicate growth and be a very good thing.  Other times it indicates that there is a problem that needs to be cared for.  Be patient and supportive whatever the journey looks like in your marriage.

Note: This article deals with a wife’s lack of desire.  If your husband is the one who does not want sex, read Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex and join the conversation.

Take the next step:
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Watch their video: The Sex Starved Marriage.

“God what are you doing?” I wondered.  The house had seemed like such a miracle, and now we were so disappointed.  We said yes to the second house, but were still in grief over the first one.  During that time the movie preview was postponed to 1:30.  At 1:20 my daughter said to me, “Mom lets go to a movie.” I suddenly remembered Courageous and we ran out the door.

I was not expecting the range of emotions that Courageous took me on.  I laughed, (really laughed) I cried (get-out-the-tissues-and-pass-them-down-the-row cried). I enjoyed it and the values resonated deep in my spirit.  Values are very important to me and it was great to see a movie with such a strong message about priorities.

It brought me to tears

At one point during the film my eleven year old asked why I was crying.  (Any parent will understand why I was crying, but it was lost on her.)  I was crying because I love my kids SO much, and because we are SO rich because we have them.  I cried because I miss my son and daughter who live in heaven.  I cried for the reminder to appreciate my family and take seriously my responsibility and to laugh and dance and spend time with them. I cried because no matter where we live we are together and we have each other and THAT is what matters MOST.

I walked out of the theatre with a new perspective.  We already have the thing that is the most important. I was still disappointed to lose the house, but chose to focus with gratitude on the great things about our new home instead.  Perspective can make all the difference.  I have recently learned that if we want to control our emotions we need to control our thoughts.  It sounds simple but is hard to practice.

Courageous reminds us to focus on what is truly important: family, values, integrity.  These are the things that last beyond the moment.  I love my family and if we live in a shack and are safe and healthy, we still have much to be thankful for!

It takes courage to face both the daily things and the BIG things that life throws at us.  This movie features several men who face both the big and small decisions with priorities based on family values.  I was truly moved.

As a Christian who fully embraces the values of the film, I would love to see you all go opening weekend so that we can make a statement that good movies are wanted in our culture.  This movie’s message is SO important for our culture.  The next generation needs parents focused on character, love, integrity, involvement, and time spent together.

Get more tips on how you can be a better father:
Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous: Helping Dads Excel

Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home.  One of them is moved to improve as a father.  His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads.  But it doesn’t end there.  Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?

This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled.  The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat.  You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears.  The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.

The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:

Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.

This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back.  Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you.  Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.

Courageous opens in select theatres September 30^th.

Resources available

Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women.  Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families.  You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources

Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:

Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous