One of the most frequent internet searches is people who want help with relationships.

These guidelines don’t tell you to put yourself in harms way, nor to be a “door mat” or not to have any boundaries with those who are manipulative or mean spirited. No – these guidelines give you an attitude of the heart and a way to see yourself as you respond to others in your life.  There are just over 50 of them. Some are repeated, often with a little different direction given as to how to carry it out.

It’s like changing the glasses you are looking through. Often we choose to focus on seeing faults and finding complaints and irritations in another, especially when our hearts have been bruised. These guidelines give you opportunity and insight to change your glasses and see your own heart first as you respond to other person through the lens of compassion and care.

After all, it’s our own hearts that lead us in relationships and it’s our own attitudes that help make the daily rubbing of shoulders pleasant or irritating.

You can never do anything about another person’s responses or attitudes. You do not have the authority to change their glasses no matter how much you try. You can only change yours. Yet in changing the glasses you wear and choosing your outlook and your response, you will find yourself changing and those around you will respond differently as well.

It may be some of the very basic things in these guidelines that you need to begin doing. Waiting for one another before you eat. Being kind. Being tender hearted.

It may be more challenging to forgive another, to not build up complaints in your heart and mind toward another or to encourage and serve another.

These guidelines are all you will ever really need in your home and outside of your home as you navigate the relationships you hold dear. They come from the timeless truth of the Bible, God’s word to us. The best part is that God is the one who can restore kindness and gentleness within our hearts even when we don’t feel like it and can’t muster it ourselves. He is the one who can change our hearts and our minds and pour His love into us so that it can spill out around us.

May I challenge you to take the next 30 days and work through this list one at a time?  Ask God daily to help you specifically change your heart toward the one you find yourself in a challenging relationship with.

You will be amazed at the wisdom and insight you will receive as God’s peace begins to flow in your heart and in your relationship.

THE “ONE ANOTHER”s OF THE BIBLE

Mark 9:50 – “Salt is good; but if the salt becomes un-salty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

John 13:14 – “If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.

John 13:34 – “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

John 13:35 – “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:12 – “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

John 15:17 – “This I command you, that you love one another.

Romans 12:10 – Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

Romans 12:16 – Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Romans 13:8 – Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this–not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way.

Romans 14:19 – So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

Romans 15:5 – Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,

Romans 15:7 – Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

Romans 15:14 – And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another.

Romans 16:16 – Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.

1 Corinthians 11:33 – So then, my brethren, when you come together to eat, wait for one another.

1 Corinthians 16:20 – All the brethren greet you. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

2 Corinthians 13:12 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Galatians 5:13 – For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Galatians 5:26 – Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Ephesians 4:2 – with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,

Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of  you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 5:19 – speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;

Ephesians 5:21 – and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Colossians 3:9 – Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices,

Colossians 3:13 – bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Colossians 3:16 – Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

1 Thessalonians 3:12 – and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people, just as we also do for you;

1 Thessalonians 4:9 – Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:13b – Live in peace with one another.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 – See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.

2 Thessalonians 1:3 – We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brethren, as is only fitting, because your faith is greatly enlarged, and the love of each one of you toward one another grows ever greater;

Hebrews 3:13 – But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 10:24 – and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,

Hebrews 10:25 – not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

James 4:11 – Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.

James 5:9 – Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.

James 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

1 Peter 1:22 – Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:9 – Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

1 Peter 4:10 – As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

1 Peter 5:5 – You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

1 Peter 5:14 – Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace be to you all who are in Christ.

1 John 1:7 – but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 3:11 – For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another;

1 John 3:23 – This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.

1 John 4:7 – Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

1 John 4:11 – Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:12 – No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

2 John 1:5 – Now I ask you, dear lady, not as though I were writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that we love one another.

Take the next step:

Improve your communication with your spouse
Are you in a complicated relationship situation? Come talk to a mentor.

We know that the college years can be a time when young people walk away from their faith, but what about the teen years?

In a recent article for CNN, Kenda Creasy Dean, a professor at Princeton Theological Seminary, author of the book Almost Christian,  and one of the researchers on the study found that, “American teenagers are embracing what she calls ‘moralistic therapeutic deism.’ Translation: It’s a watered-down faith that portrays God as a “divine therapist” whose chief goal is to boost people’s self-esteem.”

Teens unable to articulate faith

According to the article:

The study, which included in-depth interviews with at least 3,300 American teenagers between 13 and 17, found that most American teens who called themselves Christian were indifferent and inarticulate about their faith.

The study included Christians of all stripes — from Catholics to Protestants of both conservative and liberal denominations. Though three out of four American teenagers claim to be Christian, fewer than half practice their faith, only half deem it important, and most can’t talk coherently about their beliefs, the study found.

Many teenagers thought that God simply wanted them to feel good and do good — what the study’s researchers called “moralistic therapeutic deism.

Dean goes on to say that, “If this is the God they’re seeing in church, they are right to leave us in the dust,” Dean says. “Churches don’t give them enough to be passionate about.”

What about the teens in your life? Are we sending our kids off to college with what Blue Like Jazz author Donald Miller describes as a “vending machine God”?

It can be tempting to assume that if you go to a good church and have a great youth pastor your teens are being taught well.  But as the study also found some churches praise youth pastors for being fun and creative a lot more than they praise them for solid teaching.  Yes, we want church to be a place where teens have fun safely, but that’s not its only function.  So what is a parent to do?

Talk to your teens.  Ask them good questions. Could your teen clearly and accurately share their faith? Do they have a solid understanding of forgiveness? How do they view heaven and hell? Do they believe that all of the Bible is true? How does your teen’s faith compare to your own?

Youth Church

Recently, the Youth Church movement has sought to make church more than just movie and game nights.  Youth Church features an actual church service- with music and a message catered to a teen and young adult audience.  They do still have fun – there are water slides and camping mixed in – but the schedule is focused on solid teaching, accountability in small groups and service to others.  You can go to YouthChurch.com to see if there’s a group in your area.

How do you incorporate discussions about faith in your family? We’d love to hear your ideas in the comments.

Christmas is a time for dreaming, for wondering, for optimism.  I know that Christmas is not always perfect, but in this season it’s as if we’re allowed to wonder what it would be like if it was.

As I’ve thought about what I want, for Christmas and for the year ahead, I realized that it’s not something I think about as often as I should.  It can be quite a challenge to put what I want into words.  It takes courage to say it out loud.  What if I admit that I want something and I don’t get it? What happens then?  It is better to pretend I never wanted it in the first place?

I came across a quote recently that has become my Christmas wish, for myself and for those I love.  It speaks of the absolute necessity of hope.  As I read it, I realize that this is what I want for Christmas.  American novelist Barbarba Kingsolver writes:

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.

I love the picture she has crated here.  This is hope received.  Hope is not something that happens to you, it comes from within you.  Whatever your year looks like, whatever Christmas looks like for you this year, hope is a choice.  You can have it.

It is my challenge to you, and to myself this Christmas. Do you know what you hope for? Are you living under it’s roof.  As we step into Christmas,  take time to truly receive, to wish, to dream and most of all, to hope.

If you are facing a hard Christmas this year, we have mentors who would love to talk with you.
What does your soul crave? Explore your inmost desires.

It can be tempting to think that those of us who grew up in Christian homes, who came to Christ so early we hardly remember doing it don’t have “a testimony”.  But that’s not true.  I have a story of God at work in my life and so do you.

There is a time a place for “road to Damascus”  type testimonies, but they are not the only stories that are effective witnesses.  If you are a Christian, then you have a testimony, it really is that simple.  Sometimes we just need a little help in learning how to tell our own stories.

Often we think of testimonies as very structured things, chronological and order and the sort of story that has a lot of capital letters.  A testimony doesn’t have to be so intimating.  It is simply part of the story of your life.  You and I tell our stories all the time.  We talk about our families, our hopes, our dreams and our losses.  It’s just as easy to talk about how God has been at work in your life – that’s a story people need to hear too.

Stacy Wiebe wrote a fantastic article full of practical tips to help you craft how you tell your story.  I highly recommend it.  You do have a story to tell and we would love to hear it.   Take a look at our submission guidelines and send us your testimony.  You just might see it on the site.

“My sister cannot keep this baby can you take her?”

As we considered the question of adopting baby Cassie I learned much about God our Father.  I know we were called to the path of pursuing Cassie, even though we did not adopt her.  Another home was chosen for her.  But the lessons learned in that experience will stay with me for a lifetime.

The first thing I learned is that God cares and is working on our behalf way beyond our understanding. This child was wanted by several families, yet God very specifically chose one family for her, in His time.  She was well cared for and happy in her temporary home and oblivious to the many people making decisions, praying for her, and choosing her future.  Our family alone had a prayer team of 30 people praying for her placement into the right home for her.  How often does God work on my behalf unbeknownst to me?  I only see a small piece of the picture not the larger whole.

I have a new understanding of adoption being about being chosen and wanted.  We wanted that baby to be a part of our family, so did other families.  This was a very wanted child.  So are we as children of God.  As we thought about taking Cassie into our home, we considered the challenges we would face.  We knew that she had been exposed to drugs in utero, probably had an attachment disorder, and certainly faced emotional issues.  (Her current home was her third home).  We faced the reality of raising a very difficult child, yet we wanted her, and we hadn’t even met her.  We chose her.

God as a perfect father accepts and wants us with all our issues.  He chooses me as I am, knowing  all the potential for difficulty and lovingly works with me to be the best I can be. He loves me and encourages me all the time, with unconditional love.

The difficult lesson was learning the difference between expectation in what I think the outcome will be and expectancy in what God will do. These are two very different things, as I came to understand.  I know God called us to the journey of adopting Cassie, but I came to understand it was for the lessons learned, and not to add to our family.

I was disappointed, hurt and disillusioned, when the social worker told us another home had been chosen.  I was expecting  a certain outcome.  I expected to have a daughter named Cassie.  Over time as I came to peace with God’s plan, I accepted the rich and valuable lessons I gained from my journey of adoption that did not end with another child. God called us, and He did work, just not how I expected.

My relationship with God is much richer and deeper in understanding because of adoption. First, because he adopted me.  I am His child with all the benefits of being a child of the king. Ephesians 1:4-6 says, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”

Second, I now have new understanding of how God works in my life through my journey of adoption.  God works on my behalf, even when I cannot see it.  I now know the difference between expectation and expectancy in God’s plan.  There are several other lessons I learned and count that time as a significant time of growth in my life.  I gained new insights into both my husband’s and children’s hearts also.  God is good and used this time to continue to grow me as His daughter.

Read More
Devotional by Max Lucado: God’s mission is adoption
Adopted for a purpose
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It’s March, which means that for most of us our New Year’s Resolutions are but a distant memory.

For starters, that first step takes us out of “I should be” into “I am”.  Once you take that first step you are actively engaged in the goal.  Whether you’re trying to get fit, want to keep your house tidier  or are trying to start a business, it makes more of a difference than you might think.

I’ve been experiencing this this year with the simple habit of making my bed in the morning.  It is a easy thing to do, it only takes a minute, but it sets the tone for the whole room.  When it’s all neat and tidy and I bring in a load of laundry into the room I catch myself thinking, “I might as well put that away now, everything else looks so nice.”  One act in the direction I want to go helps steer the whole day that way.

It works in other areas of life too.  Several years ago I was talking to a Silicon Valley CEO and someone asked him what his most important habit was.  He said that every single day, before he opens his email he writes a thank you note to someone he was in contact with the day before.  Whether it’s one of his staff, or a new contact or a potential investor every day begins with gratitude.  He said it set the tone for his whole day, especially when there were major issues lurking in his inbox.

Stephanie Pearl McPhee,  in her book Things I’ve Learned From Knitting. . . Whether I Wanted to or Not wrote:

“Things get knit faster when you actually work on them. That’s why the scarf I’ve allegedly been knitting for two years just isn’t getting any bigger, no matter how long I leave it in the basket.”

Wise words indeed.  It’s easy to get stuck at the beginning of a goal, telling ourselves “I’m working in” when what we’re really doing is ignoring it.  One simple step can really help to get those goals off the ground.

What goals are you working towards? What is one step you can take today to get you started?

More ways to move forward:
How to set goals
Tips for persevering

In “Healthy Heart Foods”, Registered Dietitian Vivienne Soo will show you which fruits, vegetables and whole grain products are better for your heart.  Cardiovascular disease is one of the deadliest diseases in North America, but many of the risk factors — such as high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes and obesity — can be reduced through making better food choices.

Fruits and vegetables are loaded with vitamins. In particular, Vitamin C and beta-carotene (a form of vitamin A) are antioxidants that help prevent the buildup of plaque in your arteries from cholesterol. The more colorful the fruit or vegetable, the more vitamins it contains.

Whole grains provide a great source of fiber. Fiber can help reduce blood cholesterol and control blood sugar. There are many different kinds of whole grain products available, so experiment to find ones to suite your taste.

To help keep the pounds off, most fruits, vegetables and whole grains are not only low in calories, they make you feel fuller so you eat less.

Coming up in part 2 of “Healthy Heart Foods”, learn how to avoid bad fats and find some great alternatives to eating meat.

Click on these links for more information about heart health:
Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada
American Heart Association
Dial-a-Dietitian

Struggling through life with an illness like heart disease? You’re not alone, talk to a mentor.