One of the most frequent internet searches is people who want help with relationships.

These guidelines don’t tell you to put yourself in harms way, nor to be a “door mat” or not to have any boundaries with those who are manipulative or mean spirited. No – these guidelines give you an attitude of the heart and a way to see yourself as you respond to others in your life.  There are just over 50 of them. Some are repeated, often with a little different direction given as to how to carry it out.

It’s like changing the glasses you are looking through. Often we choose to focus on seeing faults and finding complaints and irritations in another, especially when our hearts have been bruised. These guidelines give you opportunity and insight to change your glasses and see your own heart first as you respond to other person through the lens of compassion and care.

After all, it’s our own hearts that lead us in relationships and it’s our own attitudes that help make the daily rubbing of shoulders pleasant or irritating.

You can never do anything about another person’s responses or attitudes. You do not have the authority to change their glasses no matter how much you try. You can only change yours. Yet in changing the glasses you wear and choosing your outlook and your response, you will find yourself changing and those around you will respond differently as well.

It may be some of the very basic things in these guidelines that you need to begin doing. Waiting for one another before you eat. Being kind. Being tender hearted.

It may be more challenging to forgive another, to not build up complaints in your heart and mind toward another or to encourage and serve another.

These guidelines are all you will ever really need in your home and outside of your home as you navigate the relationships you hold dear. They come from the timeless truth of the Bible, God’s word to us. The best part is that God is the one who can restore kindness and gentleness within our hearts even when we don’t feel like it and can’t muster it ourselves. He is the one who can change our hearts and our minds and pour His love into us so that it can spill out around us.

May I challenge you to take the next 30 days and work through this list one at a time?  Ask God daily to help you specifically change your heart toward the one you find yourself in a challenging relationship with.

You will be amazed at the wisdom and insight you will receive as God’s peace begins to flow in your heart and in your relationship.

THE “ONE ANOTHER”s OF THE BIBLE

Mark 9:50 – “Salt is good; but if the salt becomes un-salty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

John 13:14 – “If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.

John 13:34 – “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

John 13:35 – “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:12 – “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

John 15:17 – “This I command you, that you love one another.

Romans 12:10 – Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

Romans 12:16 – Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Romans 13:8 – Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this–not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way.

Romans 14:19 – So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

Romans 15:5 – Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,

Romans 15:7 – Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

Romans 15:14 – And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another.

Romans 16:16 – Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.

1 Corinthians 11:33 – So then, my brethren, when you come together to eat, wait for one another.

1 Corinthians 16:20 – All the brethren greet you. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

2 Corinthians 13:12 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Galatians 5:13 – For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Galatians 5:26 – Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Ephesians 4:2 – with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,

Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of  you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 5:19 – speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;

Ephesians 5:21 – and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Colossians 3:9 – Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices,

Colossians 3:13 – bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Colossians 3:16 – Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

1 Thessalonians 3:12 – and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people, just as we also do for you;

1 Thessalonians 4:9 – Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:13b – Live in peace with one another.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 – See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.

2 Thessalonians 1:3 – We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brethren, as is only fitting, because your faith is greatly enlarged, and the love of each one of you toward one another grows ever greater;

Hebrews 3:13 – But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 10:24 – and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,

Hebrews 10:25 – not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

James 4:11 – Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.

James 5:9 – Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.

James 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

1 Peter 1:22 – Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:9 – Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

1 Peter 4:10 – As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

1 Peter 5:5 – You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

1 Peter 5:14 – Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace be to you all who are in Christ.

1 John 1:7 – but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 3:11 – For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another;

1 John 3:23 – This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.

1 John 4:7 – Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

1 John 4:11 – Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:12 – No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

2 John 1:5 – Now I ask you, dear lady, not as though I were writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that we love one another.

Take the next step:

Improve your communication with your spouse
Are you in a complicated relationship situation? Come talk to a mentor.

This is becoming much too familiar.

I live on a fault line so earthquakes get talked about fairly often. But in the 15 years since I moved out to the coast I’ve only ever felt one, a single tremor that made the building tremble once and then snap back to center.  I cannot imagine what it feels like to see the ground open up at your feet.  Maybe it’s time to start putting together that emergency pack I started thinking about when I heard the news New Zealand a few weeks ago.

I don’t subscribe to doomsday thinking, but there is wisdom in being prepared.   If you want to put together your own emergency kits there are lists of what to include.  It wasn’t us this time, but who knows when the earth will shift again.

There is always a lot of confusion at a time like this: the chaos of people on the ground trying to find which way is up, and the confusion for the rest of us wondering why this keeps happening.  Where is God in all of this? If you find yourself wondering that this morning, our free interactive lesson Why does God allow disaster? can be a great place to start.

If you world got shaken up today and you need someone to talk to, our mentors are always available.

If you’ve ever thought that your neighbors don’t want to hear about God, you’re wrong.

Take a look at the list:

1. What is the meaning of life?
2. Is there a God?
3. Do blondes have more fun??4. What is the best diet?
5. Is there anybody out there?
6. Who is the most famous person in the world?
7. What is love?
8. What is the secret to happiness?
9. Did Tony Soprano die?
10. How long will I live?

Are you as surprised as I was? Your friends and neighbors, your family and the people you work with want to know about spirituality.  They are asking questions about God, life, death, love and happiness.  These are huge questions and it can be intimidating to try and take them on.  But we do have the answers and now there’s a new tool that can help you as you share.

Soul Cravings Prequel is an authorized, abridged version of Erwin McManus’ popular book Soul Cravings.  Soul Cravings and Soul Cravings Prequel deal with the search for three things everybody craves: destiny, intimacy, and meaning.

Take another look at that list of questions. How many of them are answered with these three cravings?  You can use Soul Cravings Prequel and the companion site icravechange.com to share your faith in a open, conversational way.  There is a series of videos on the site where you can hear Erwin McManus talk about each of these cravings.  Try sharing one with a friend and have  a conversation about it.

Soul Cravings Prequel is also fully integrated with mentoring.  There are discussion questions peppered throughout the book.  You can use these as conversation starters or encourage your friends to send their responses in to us and a mentor will carry on the discussion.  You can order Soul Cravings Prequel books (just $4 each) from our site.  We also have a Personal Mentoring Starter Kit available which includes the prequel and several other mentoring resources.

People in your world are asking fantastic questions about God. How will you answer them?  Have you used Soul Cravings Prequel? We’d love to hear your stories.

The Crave Resources site has all kinds of resources to help you use Soul Cravings Prequel as you witness. Download discussion guides, learn how to use the book and finding a training seminar.

Watch The Other Six Days video. Explore what this video means to you through “The Other Six Days” interactive online study.

We know that the college years can be a time when young people walk away from their faith, but what about the teen years?

In a recent article for CNN, Kenda Creasy Dean, a professor at Princeton Theological Seminary, author of the book Almost Christian,  and one of the researchers on the study found that, “American teenagers are embracing what she calls ‘moralistic therapeutic deism.’ Translation: It’s a watered-down faith that portrays God as a “divine therapist” whose chief goal is to boost people’s self-esteem.”

Teens unable to articulate faith

According to the article:

The study, which included in-depth interviews with at least 3,300 American teenagers between 13 and 17, found that most American teens who called themselves Christian were indifferent and inarticulate about their faith.

The study included Christians of all stripes — from Catholics to Protestants of both conservative and liberal denominations. Though three out of four American teenagers claim to be Christian, fewer than half practice their faith, only half deem it important, and most can’t talk coherently about their beliefs, the study found.

Many teenagers thought that God simply wanted them to feel good and do good — what the study’s researchers called “moralistic therapeutic deism.

Dean goes on to say that, “If this is the God they’re seeing in church, they are right to leave us in the dust,” Dean says. “Churches don’t give them enough to be passionate about.”

What about the teens in your life? Are we sending our kids off to college with what Blue Like Jazz author Donald Miller describes as a “vending machine God”?

It can be tempting to assume that if you go to a good church and have a great youth pastor your teens are being taught well.  But as the study also found some churches praise youth pastors for being fun and creative a lot more than they praise them for solid teaching.  Yes, we want church to be a place where teens have fun safely, but that’s not its only function.  So what is a parent to do?

Talk to your teens.  Ask them good questions. Could your teen clearly and accurately share their faith? Do they have a solid understanding of forgiveness? How do they view heaven and hell? Do they believe that all of the Bible is true? How does your teen’s faith compare to your own?

Youth Church

Recently, the Youth Church movement has sought to make church more than just movie and game nights.  Youth Church features an actual church service- with music and a message catered to a teen and young adult audience.  They do still have fun – there are water slides and camping mixed in – but the schedule is focused on solid teaching, accountability in small groups and service to others.  You can go to YouthChurch.com to see if there’s a group in your area.

How do you incorporate discussions about faith in your family? We’d love to hear your ideas in the comments.

Ever have a moment when you just need to take a breath?

Steven Slater, an experienced flight attendant was honestly trying to do his job.  A passenger ignored the pilot’s warning to remind seated and stood to retrieve her bag from the overhead compartment.  Slater reminder her that she needed to stay in her seat, for her safety and the safety of those around her.  The passenger refused, later swore at Slater and Slater was hit in the head with the piece of luggage.  (At this point it unclear if that was accidental or not.)

At that point, Slater lost it.  According to the article on CNN he quit, grabbed a beer from the cart and deployed the safety chute to exit the airplane.  Understandable? Sure. Wise? Probably not his best day at work.  There are times for all of us when we really need to take a moment to breathe.

It’s hard in the heat of the moment to take a step back, but it can be easier if you’re well practiced.  What’s true for Slater is true for all of us.  We need to remember to breathe and as Christians we need to remember our spiritual breathing as well.

Dr. Bill Bright, the founder of Campus Crusade for Christ describes spiritual breathing this way:

Spiritual breathing, like physical breathing is a process of exhaling the impure and inhaling the pure, an exercise in faith that enables you to experience God’s love and forgiveness and walk in the Spirit as a way of life.

But the average Christian does not understand this concept of spiritual breathing as an exercise of faith and, as a result, lives on a spiritual roller coaster. He/she goes from one emotional experience to another living most of his life as a worldly Christian, controlling his/her own life, frustrated and fruitless.

We need to constantly remind ourselves of who we are and who God is, taking each thought captive, inviting God into every moment of our lives.

Read more about the practice of spiritual breathing.

So how is your day going? It’s unlikely that you stormed off the job today, but you might have felt like it.  Maybe you wished the kids could stop yelling for just. one. minute.  Maybe you’re waiting for test results and tense, perhaps things with your spouse are not where they could be.  Whatever you are facing today, don’t forget to breathe.  Exhale any frustration, anger, resentment or hurt.  Breathe in a fresh reminder of God’s love, His faithfulness, His provision, His forgiveness.  That’s a decision you won’t regret in the morning.

To learn more about spiritual breathing take Dr. Bright’s classic 10 part lesson Transferable Concepts. This timeless teaching was originally written as follow-up for new Christians, but it is a wonderful refresher for all of us.  Skip ahead to lesson 5 if you want to get straight to spiritual breathing.  When you take the lesson you’ll be matched with a coach who will pray for you and walk through your answers with you as you learn.

What do you do when you have quite the sexual past, but you want to have a pure marriage, with a great sex life?

Here’s a letter that I received recently:

I am single, in my late twenties. In my earlier twenties, I did not live a Christian lifestyle. I had sex with two men. The first was a great friend, and we had fun. I really enjoyed it. The next guy, I was engaged to, and I HATED sex with him. I found ways to make myself unattractive or unavailable to him…. I have dedicated my life to God, and have been single for 3 years now. I have decided not have sex again until marriage… This is going to seem pretty childish to ask… But,… how do you bring this up with an adult? How many grown men are going to be okay with this? How much of my past do I tell?… .and then, what if I do meet someone, and we decide to get married? I have a fear of not enjoying sex with… How do make sure that doesn’t happen? Also, how do you learn how to connect sex and love together? Because of my past, I learned the two separately, and cannot seem to make the connection… I know this sounds crazy.. But, any advise on anything you can give would be greatly appreciated.

First, I don’t think that does sound crazy. I think it sounds quite normal.

Do you need to practice first?

But let me relay another story to you that may help how we think about this. When I was in Kenya recently, my husband and I were asked to speak to the teens about adolescence. And one night a boy put up with his hand with a question. He asked, “Is there a disadvantage to being a virgin when you’re married?” After beating around the bush and trying to figure out what he was really getting at, I finally asked, “Do you mean will sex be bad if you don’t have practice first?” Everybody laughed, including that boy, because that is what he meant. And so Keith and I went on to answer him.

No, you don’t need practice first, because sex once you’re married is very different from before you are married. In the “wedding night” survey I’m doing, one woman wrote about how sex was very emotionally different afterwards. She and her fiancé had already slept together before the wedding, but it was different. And she so wished that she had waited.

Here’s the thing about sex once you’re married: you have a lifetime to get it right. It doesn’t have to be perfect right off the bat (and it rarely is). But when you love someone, and you’re committed to someone, you’ve got a lifetime to figure out how to make it good for both of you. There’s no hurry. And for women, our sex drives are very closely related to how loved we feel. When we feel cherished and loved in a relationship, we’re more likely to feel rather energetic sexually, if you know what I mean. So just because sex was bad with other men before you were married has very little bearing on whether or not sex will be good once you are married.

Using sex to say “I love you”

The more thorny issue, I think, is how to use sex as a way to say “I love you” when it’s only ever been a way to say “I want you”. If you’ve had sex before you were married, you did it for purely physical reasons, because the commitment wasn’t there. Once you’re married, other dimensions come in to it. You truly are becoming one flesh. You’re declaring your commitment to one another. And so it IS different, whether or not we think of it that way.

Many married women, though, have this problem. How do I think of sex differently? How do I turn it into something really beautiful, when it’s only ever been something hurried, a little guilt-inducing, and focused only on the physical. I’d suggest that you just spend a lot of time with your husband. Have a bath naked together. Touch each other while you’re naked. Spend time talking. Make it romantic. The more you love each other with words and with your eyes, the more you’ll be able to love each other with other body parts.

Unfortunately, most women, even Christian women, do have sex before they’re married, and when we do that, we rewire our brains so that our brains associate certain things with certain sexual feelings. And we stop associating love with that feeling. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t rebuild that again. This is the man you love. If you completely and utterly love him, sex can definitely be good because it’s in the right context once you’re married. So talk about how much you love him. Show him love. Show him how to show you love. And then the physical parts of sex, which can be very stupendous, too, will follow in a different context. And that’s what really makes this beautiful.

If you have questions and need a safe place to ask them we have mentors available 24/7.  Use this form to request a confidential mentor today.  If you want to learn more about moving on from shame try our free life lesson Dealing with Shame.

From a legal standpoint, at least in the US, the rule is “innocent until proven guilty” but that’s only what the law books say.  In the court of public opinion it simply is not true.  We know that something horrible happened to Natalee Holloway while she was vacationing in Aruba.  But we don’t know what happened.  There has no been trial yet.  Our hearts cry out for justice, but do we know what justice looks like?

Balancing the scales of justice

Justice is a tricky thing. One the one hand justice says that a young woman was hurt, possibly killed and someone needs to pay for that.  But at the same time justice also  says that an accusation is not a conviction.  We believe in a fair trial and due process to convict the guilty and free the innocent.

For Christians you would think justice should be simpler, but often it isn’t.  We know that we are all guilty, saved by grace.  We have seen justice and been spared from it.  We know that God cares about justice and also believes in second chances.  But at the same time we know that the world is flawed – that sometimes bad things happen to good people, sometimes guilty men walk free. So how do we balance justice?

Matthew 23:23 says:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.”

It’s interesting that those three ideas are linked together – justice, mercy and faithfulness. I think that’s where the answer lies.

Justice, yes, but mercy wherever possible.  If van der Sloot is guilty, justice demands retribution.  But until that is proven, he should receive mercy, not because he deserves it, but simply because we did not deserve it either and yet we received it.

Faithfulness can take several forms.  It could be praying for those who stand accused, that they would get their day in court, that they would find God if they do not know him.  It could simply be refusing to convict someone in our minds when the only proof is an accusation.

Justice is supposed to be blind.  Our sense of justice often is not.  If we can temper our justice with mercy and faithfulness I think we can get a lot closer to the way God sees it.

Faithfulness is one of the fruits of the spirit. Try our Bible study on Galations, The fruit of the Spirit is… to learn more about growing a spirit of faithfulness in your own heart.

Christmas is a time for dreaming, for wondering, for optimism.  I know that Christmas is not always perfect, but in this season it’s as if we’re allowed to wonder what it would be like if it was.

As I’ve thought about what I want, for Christmas and for the year ahead, I realized that it’s not something I think about as often as I should.  It can be quite a challenge to put what I want into words.  It takes courage to say it out loud.  What if I admit that I want something and I don’t get it? What happens then?  It is better to pretend I never wanted it in the first place?

I came across a quote recently that has become my Christmas wish, for myself and for those I love.  It speaks of the absolute necessity of hope.  As I read it, I realize that this is what I want for Christmas.  American novelist Barbarba Kingsolver writes:

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.

I love the picture she has crated here.  This is hope received.  Hope is not something that happens to you, it comes from within you.  Whatever your year looks like, whatever Christmas looks like for you this year, hope is a choice.  You can have it.

It is my challenge to you, and to myself this Christmas. Do you know what you hope for? Are you living under it’s roof.  As we step into Christmas,  take time to truly receive, to wish, to dream and most of all, to hope.

If you are facing a hard Christmas this year, we have mentors who would love to talk with you.
What does your soul crave? Explore your inmost desires.

It can be tempting to think that those of us who grew up in Christian homes, who came to Christ so early we hardly remember doing it don’t have “a testimony”.  But that’s not true.  I have a story of God at work in my life and so do you.

There is a time a place for “road to Damascus”  type testimonies, but they are not the only stories that are effective witnesses.  If you are a Christian, then you have a testimony, it really is that simple.  Sometimes we just need a little help in learning how to tell our own stories.

Often we think of testimonies as very structured things, chronological and order and the sort of story that has a lot of capital letters.  A testimony doesn’t have to be so intimating.  It is simply part of the story of your life.  You and I tell our stories all the time.  We talk about our families, our hopes, our dreams and our losses.  It’s just as easy to talk about how God has been at work in your life – that’s a story people need to hear too.

Stacy Wiebe wrote a fantastic article full of practical tips to help you craft how you tell your story.  I highly recommend it.  You do have a story to tell and we would love to hear it.   Take a look at our submission guidelines and send us your testimony.  You just might see it on the site.

Barren is a terrible word that scripture often uses to describe women who can’t have children.

My husband and I gave our infertility a more fitting nickname. We called it our gaping wound. The imagery gave us a way to articulate the pain we felt. We said to each other, “Today, seeing all those children at the zoo picked at the wound.” On a particularly tough day, I wrote in my journal, “I feel like I am bleeding out. The wound is bleeding profusely, and I don’t know how to bandage it.” Reflecting on the stories of the barren women in scripture, particularly Hannah, helped me find balm for my pain.

The gaping wound

Our struggle with infertility began six years ago. My husband and I finished seminary and I went off the pill. I laugh now at the absurdity of our plan to get pregnant on our post-graduation trip to Europe. In reality, we didn’t get pregnant until two years later in a doctor’s office with the help of a fertility specialist.

Our hope for that pregnancy ended on an unusually stormy day in March when we went to for our first ultrasound. The sky was black with rain clouds. I thought, “This is a bad sign.” And it was.

The gaping wound grew as we struggled through twice-daily hormone shots, artificial insemination, weekly doctor’s visits, progesterone injections, and four miscarriages. At first, I struggled with “Why me? God, I am a minister. Why would you let this happen to me?” But the words of one of my seminary professors kept surfacing, “Why not me?”

Nationally, 7.3 million women struggle with infertility. Why should I be spared? When I decided to move past the “Why-me?” question, I began to search for other avenues to connect with God through the pain. On days when I could not pray or read the gospel stories, I turned to Hannah for comfort. She understood the gaping wound, because according to the writer of 1 Samuel, “the Lord had closed her womb” (1 Samuel 1:5).

Learning from Hannah

Hannah’s pain must have been even greater than mine. Instead of a physician or treatments, Hannah had a tormentor. Her husband’s other wife, Peninnah, seemed to take pleasure in picking at Hannah’s wound. When the text introduces the two women, they are defined by the fact that Peninnah had children and Hannah had no children.

I am asked regularly, “Do you have children?” When I say “no,” people often inquire about why we have no progeny, as if any normal couple would naturally have children. Hannah dealt with these probing questions in the community and in her own home. Peninnah found joy in taunting Hannah. She chided her until Hannah was unable to even eat.

In the beginning, my response to infertility was much like Hannah’s: loss of appetite, depression, and grief. But I had a husband who shared in my suffering. He was holding my hand when the heartbeat disappeared from the ultrasound monitor. Elkanah, Hannah’s husband, had children by Peninnah. He was unable to understand why the double portion of meat that he gave Hannah was not satisfying. Elkanah’s love is surely important to Hannah, but she is alone in her grief. He does not understand her pain.

Even Hannah had bad days

Eventually, the pain consumed Hannah. She had what I call an “infertility melt-down.” Overwhelmed, she prayed and wept bitterly in the tabernacle, making promises to God, if only he would give her a son. My own melt-down came when we decided to forgo infertility treatment and adopt.

I was at home with a mountain of adoption forms spread out before me: background checks, financial records, reference requests and 20-page personal histories. My husband innocently asked what I was doing, and I lost it. Had Eli been there he would have accused me of putting on a drunken spectacle. Just like me,  Hannah wasn’t drunk. She was desperate.  So was I. To the bewilderment of my husband, I “wept bitterly” for several hours.

At the tabernacle, Hannah asked God to remember her. As I read her prayer, I was struck by her words because infertility does feel like being forgotten. It feels like your life is on hold. Everyone around you is moving forward. Youth you taught in Sunday school grow up, get married, and have babies while you wait. Friends from seminary get pregnant and have two children, while you wait for just one.

Losing control without losing faith

By far, the worst part of infertility is the total loss of control. In some ways, this made infertility treatment a strange sort of comfort. It gave me a list of tasks to accomplish: take this shot, go to this doctor’s office, get this list of vitamins, have your blood drawn. Hannah couldn’t see a fertility specialist, so she chose to try to control God.

We have all prayed her prayer, “God, if only you will fill-in-the-blank…” She offered God her son in exchange for an answer to her prayer. I wonder how long after she learned she was pregnant, she remembered her promise? Did she regret the words of bargaining she offered to God in a moment of weakness? How did she bear to part with the son she had wanted for so long?

For me, infertility has been a test of trust. Do I require a God that I can fully understand, or will I trust in a God who is mystery mixed with flashes of clarity? Do I require a God that I can control, or am I willing to trust in a God who can never be manipulated?

I wonder how Hannah would answer these questions. Did her experience teach her to trust God no matter what her life circumstances? After Samuel’s birth, she kept her promise and gave her son in service to the temple. Did her gaping wound mend? Did it leave a scar? Were her future children a salve to her gaping wound?

I have learned a lot from Hannah, but this is where our stories diverge.  I am still waiting.  I am waiting for God to “open my womb,” and stitch together this hole in my heart.

If you are struggling with infertility, please feel free to contact an online mentor anytime to talk about it. We’re here to listen.