The truth is a gospel booklet can be a very helpful evangelism tool when used the right way.  (This video explains a few reasons why I like to use them)  The most important thing to remember is timing.  Imagine you’re a salesperson.  When a customer comes in to buy a car, you don’t start by whipping out a sales contract.  You give them a chance to admire the car, check out its great features, take it for a spin.  You wait until they’ve fallen in love with the car before you start explaining the details of the transaction.  It’s the same with a gospel tract.  Don’t rush it.  Wait until you’ve had a few spiritual conversations with your friend.  Invite the Holy Spirit to guide you.  When you sense the time may be right, ask your friend whether they’re interested in learning about the message of Jesus.  If your friend says, ‘Yes,’ you can hand them a gospel pamphlet and offer to go through it together.

Take Action:

Backstory is an excellent new booklet put together by our partners in the States that communicates the gospel story in a clear, relevant, and engaging way.

Go through the Backstory online study, a web version of the booklet.  Does it give you any ideas for how you could explain the gospel to a friend?  Try to send the link to a non-Christian friend you’ve been engaging in spiritual conversations.

1. Considering ordering full-color paper copies of the booklet so you’ll have them when you need them.

Watch Mark Gauthier, Director of the US Campus Ministry, talk about how to use the Backstory tool to share your faith.

Serving together,
Leonard Buhler

This fall my 18 year-old son, my first-born, my newly minted young adult, will be leaving home to start university.

After that there were vacations with his best friend’s family, 2-week ski trips with his French elementary school, excursions to Quebec with his French class, and to Mexico on mission trips, all without me along.  I always knew that my role was to “let go” and encourage him to try his wings so that when the day came for him to become independent, he would be ready.  For years I have been progressively working myself out of a job, or at least gradually changing my job description.

The universal questions

But am I ready?  The distant deadline somehow always approaches far too rapidly. All parents experience this, but does that make it any easier?  Joel Achenbach, in his touching blog post, Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time wrote, “It’s not true that kids grow up fast. What is true is that it seems fast if you’re paying too much attention to other stuff.”  After all the years of reminding our much younger daughter that we had years together ahead of us before Josh left for college, we now find ourselves hurtling toward the day.

I talk to other moms a little ahead of me on this journey, and I realize that I am the Universal Mother asking the Universal Questions.  Will he wake up in the morning and get to class?  Will he eat properly?  Will he so enjoy the taste of freedom that he will forget why he has gone to college?  Will he wash his sheets?  Will he think to call me occasionally, or will I be reduced to reading his Facebook posts to learn that he is off rock climbing?

Then there are the Important Questions.  Will he be safe, going from a small town where we don’t always lock the front door, to living in a big city?  Will he make wise choices about priorities, money, and friends? Will we still enjoy the complicity that now exists between us?   Will he continue to walk with God? Will the new ideas he will be exposed to shake his faith or help him to go deeper still?

I think back to my own departure at 18. Was my mom sad or worried? Probably, but I don’t remember. I was too excited about starting college, growing up, and the anticipation of new friends and new adventures to pay much attention.  And while Josh admitted recently that his excitement is also tinged with a little anxiety, I’m betting that it won’t be long before he is immersed in this new world.

I will miss him terribly, but would I really prefer that he only aspire to stay here, in the safety and security of our home?  The idea behind the movie Failure to Launch is comical, but not so entertaining for real-life parents whose adult son is still living in the basement playing video games. I don’t want him to be too fearful to step out by faith, on his own.  This is exactly the goal I had in mind as I raised him.  I say to myself, often, “This is good and right. This is how it should be.”  I can’t stop him from growing up, and I shouldn’t try either.  But I can prepare him for the day that we say good-bye.  This is ultimately not about me.  It is about him, his future, and his life. I need to let him live it.

Take the next step

Is your family changing?
Are you ready to let go?

Check out the book that Carol featured: Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time by Joel Achenbach

Take the next step:

10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills
Train Yourself in the Art of Listening
Do you need to talk? 

Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. Psychologists tell us that there are five stages of grieving; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Writing out our life map begins to move us beyond denial to truth. That can make us angry. And it should. When we’ve been used and abused, or have fallen victim to wrong choices in our life, we experience anger. But often we direct our anger inward, causing anxiety and depression, or outward to the wrong people. Broken people intentionally and unintentionally hurt other people. Processing our anger in a healthy way is asking God to show us who shares responsibility for all that’s happened to us and the choices we’ve made.

The goal of this exercise isn’t to make us angrier, but instead to allow God to show us that we alone are not to blame. And then to surrender our hurts and anger to Him. One way we do this is to write anger letters to everyone God reveals who shares blame for what’s happened in our past, including our own choices. We didn’t have sex alone. We didn’t perform our own abortion. Although God wants us to acknowledge our part in wrong choices, there are others who need to bear some of the responsibility.

The goal of this exercise is to surrender our anger to God. To honestly express how other’s choices have hurt us. I encourage people to use ‘I’ statements when they write their letters. For example: “I was hurt, angry, sad, etc., when you ___________. Rather than make it a list of behaviors, it’s important to acknowledge how others’ choices hurt us and how that makes us feel.

But one word of caution. These letters are between us and God and not meant to be given out. The goal is not revenge or retribution, but healing and restoration. In some cases if God leads, we may give our letter to the intended person. But only after prayerful consideration.

Following anger, people often experience sadness or grief. This is normal. Anger is a huge emotion, and can be draining. When God removes our anger, the emptiness can leave us sad, resigned, empty. Don’t worry, this is normal. This is part of God breaking our hearts so that He can heal us. One caution for those who’ve struggled with depression, or are currently on medication for depression—please get medical advice if you feel that you’re slipping back under that deep, dark cloud. Or if the depression lasts longer than a few weeks. I know, I’ve been there. If so, you may need to get on medication, or increase an existing dose.

God uses the next step—forgiveness, to lift us out of our grief or sadness and move us towards acceptance. In addition to acknowledging where we need to ask for forgiveness from God for our part, we need to forgive others for theirs. I find it interesting that in the Lord’s Prayer, asking God to forgive us and forgiving others are related…as if one is contingent on the other…”and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt. 6:12). Miraculously, God uses this step of forgiving others to set us free from their hold on us. Forgiveness is the gateway to healing, and to the final step of grieving–acceptance.

Are you ready for the next step? Return to the main article for more information, the next exercise and four books that can help you on your way.

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That’s essential if we want complete healing, and have the kind of emotional and physical intimacy God desires for us to have in marriage. Also, because of the bonds we’ve created with other partners, we need to trust God to sever those bonds so that we can have our bonding hormone restored, allowing us to bond fully in a present or future marriage. Healing restores all our relationships, because we’ll finally be able to reconcile ourselves to us. Being at peace with ourselves, frees us to be at peace with others.

Let the healing begin

For the past several years I’ve had the privilege of watching God heal hundreds of people from their sexual pasts. God led me to write a bible study for sexual healing, and through twelve chapters we lead people through a grieving process for their sexual pasts. I want to encourage you if God is bringing to mind things you’ve yet to heal from, that you’ll have the courage to join me and countless others in the following steps to healing:

1. Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past.

2. Grieving the losses we’ve experienced.

3. Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past.

4. Breaking ungodly sexual bonds.

Healing the wounds we’ve accumulated from our past. Some wounds we’re aware of, but many we’re not, until we let God show us how our past is still hurting us today. When we let God show us how our past has hurt us, He’s able to heal our brokenness. But the first step and often the hardest is acknowledging what’s happened to us. And with abuse or trauma, often we can’t remember clearly what’s happened. But God knows our whole story, every detail. And when we give Him permission, He’ll show us our story. Here’s an exercise that can help you see your own story.

Grieving the losses we’ve experienced. Whether our sexuality was stolen from us or we gave it away, we experience a loss. But unfortunately many of us don’t allow ourselves to grieve those losses. John Townsend and Henry Cloud in their book, How People Grow, say that “Grief is the one pain that heals all others. It is the most important pain there is.”[1]

Because many of us feel responsible for the loss, we often don’t feel we deserve to grieve. But the truth is, we do deserve to grieve, even more, we need to grieve. In fact God grieves right along with us. He feels our pain, bears our burdens. He even collects our tears, King David tells us in Psalm 56:8, “Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record?” And as we grieve, God is able to comfort and heal us. Here’s an exercise to help you walk through the grief process.

Exposing the lies we’ve ingrained because of our past. For many years I believed that God was the one who was heaping shame on me. I was certain He was disappointed with me, and no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness, I still had shame. But as I allowed God to heal me, I discovered that He did not see me the way I saw myself, the way the enemy tried to make me feel.

He did not see me as sinful, dirty and unrighteous. Instead because of what Jesus did on the cross, and my acceptance of His forgiveness, God saw who I was in Christ–holy, righteous, blameless, forgiven. Yet I’d been living out of the lie of the enemy. Once I saw the truth, the enemy could no longer deceive me with this lie.  Here’s an exercise to help you see how God views sex.

Breaking ungodly sexual bonds. The bonding of sex is not only physical, but also spiritual, emotional and mental which includes the chemical and hormonal bonding that happens. Although we’d like to believe that breaking up and moving on severs that bond, in truth, only God can sever the ‘one flesh’ bond He’s created through sex.

The bible says that this bonding is a mystery. In other words, it’s unexplainable, supernatural, something only God can do. So it makes sense that only God can completely sever this bond. In this step we ask God to show us everyone we’ve created a sexual bond with, and write out a sexual history list. Then we pray through each name (or memory if we don’t have a name) asking God to sever the bond we’ve created—at every level, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally.  Here is the prayer to pray.

Really Good News…           

Oxytocin is God’s super-human glue that is released in a man and woman during sexual arousal and release. When we’ve created bonds with others through sex, we can damage our bonding hormone, causing us to release less and less with each subsequent partner. But I have amazing news! Preliminary research is showing that as we heal, our brain heals, allowing us to release oxytocin again. Isn’t God so kind? Regardless of how our bonding hormone was damaged or depleted, when we let God heal us, He even restores our ability to bond. That’s what God told us in Joel 2:25, ‘I will repay for the years the locusts have eaten…” God promises to pay us back all that the enemy has robbed from us—even oxytocin.  Here’s an excerise to walk through the process of breaking sexual bonds.

I want to leave you with one final word of encouragement. Its true…healing isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact it can be quite painful, and take longer than expected. But this I can promise: it’s worth the journey. I would never want to go back to where I was, broken, clothed in shame, stuck spiritually, emotionally and physically.

For 25 years shame was my constant companion. But when God restored me 8 years ago, that’s when I really began to live…that’s when I became free. What a feeling! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And it’s not just me. Everyone who’s had the courage to trust God with their pasts, regardless of how hard the journey, not one has ever said they wished they could go back to the way things were.

I’m praying that this is the day you’ll say yes to God, and begin your journey to a life of freedom. You’ll never regret it…I promise.

When you’re ready to talk, we’re here to help:

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I’ve discovered after working with hundreds of women that regardless of the cause of their sexual wounding—whether from abuse, trauma as in rape, sex-trafficking or from their own choices, they all experience shame. They all believe that somehow they were to blame. They feel that they caused it, they allowed it, they wanted it, they deserved it, they were stupid for falling for it—on and on the lies go.

It’s often the shame that keeps us from taking the first step towards healing. First, because we don’t want to share our story with anyone—for we’re sure others will confirm how we feel about ourselves. And second because the shame tells us that we’re not worthy of healing—not after all we’ve done, or allowed others to do to us. We believe that that is all we’re good for and that we’ll never deserve any better.

Doesn’t that sound hopeless? So sad? This is one of the biggest lies I hear, and it’s a lie from the pit of hell.

Regardless of what has happened to us, whether our sexuality was robbed from us, whether we were abused, used, or we willingly gave our virginity away, we are worth everything to God. We were worth our Savior’s sacrifice of His life, and regardless of how we’re treated, or what others say, God is the One who determines our worth.

It’s His opinion alone that matters. And He finds us loveable, worthy, precious and best of all, He wants us. He wants to know us, love us, be with us, and share His life with us. Sometimes that’s hard to believe if everyone in our life has wanted us for their own selfish motives. But you can trust God. He will never hurt you, abuse you or betray you.

Alexa

One young woman, Alexa, had been gang raped by some boys she thought were friends. The one friend had invited her over to his place between classes, and there waiting were for her were the other guys. She was alone, vulnerable, without a chance of escape. I was horrified by her story. But it was the next words out of her mouth that I’ll never forget.

“It was all my fault,” she asserted, as if I must surely agree.

Taken aback, I replied, “How could gang-rape possibly be your fault?”

“Because,” she assumed, “I shouldn’t have been so stupid to trust him.”

Can you hear it? The shame, guilt, responsibility? She was angrier at herself than those who’d violated her. And because she believed she was to blame, she never told anyone for the next three years.

Healing from Trauma

For those of us who haven’t experienced sexual abuse, we find it hard to imagine that anyone who’s experienced sexual abuse as a child could believe that the abuse was their fault. But I hear it over and over. In fact the first step of healing for the sexual abuse victim is to recognize and acknowledge that the abuse was against their will, and not their fault regardless of how their bodies responded. They did not want it, no matter what their perpetrator said. They did not deserve it, they were not to blame. Often the beginning and hardest step of healing is transferring the blame they’ve carried, from themselves to the where it belongs—on him or her who exposed them to sex, and used them for their pleasure.

With current rates of sexual abuse by age 18 at one in three to four girls and one in six boys, I know that many of you have experienced this trauma. And my guess is that most of you have resisted God’s call to pursue healing—maybe because of the very lies I’ve mentioned here.  It’s time to say yes to God. It’s time to let Him heal your wounds and set you free from the lies surrounding your abuse.

You’ve suffered long enough. The shame and pain is keeping you stuck–spiritually, emotionally and physically from becoming all that God created you to be. There’s a world waiting to meet you…the real you. Not the one shrouded with lies and shame. But the you that only God knows. The you He died for so you could be free to love, live and serve with total abandon. I believe that although your heart’s desire is to help set others free, maybe God’s heart is to first set you free.  Isn’t it time?

Read Part 2

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I can still remember where I was standing and the way my daughter Aubri looked at me that fateful December day.

I answered honestly, “Do you know how difficult this is for your father?”

To which Aubri replied, “I realize Dad that no one will be good enough for me in your eyes.” Aw, such wisdom from my teen.

Interviewing her date

I told her to set up a time but I had a plan. Each day she picked I was amazingly already booked! I knew that the longer I delayed, the longer it was before this young man could accost my little girl. Finally my daughter called and said, “Dad, Dan really wants to get together.  And Dad, he’s really nervous.” I asked if he was there right then with her and she said that he was.  I said, “Good, tell him he should be real nervous.”

The day arrived and a nervous young man came for ‘the talk’ and to ask me a question.  My wife offered him juice, milk, coffee or tea and Dan took water.  He sat on the edge of the couch, stiff as a board with his glass of water and red blotches going up and down his face.  If I said I wasn’t enjoying it, I’d be a liar.

With Aubri out of the house my wife and younger daughter headed upstairs to leave us alone (I later learned that the two females did attempt to listen at the stairs but to their dismay they couldn’t make out the words of the interrogation). Dennis Rainey wrote an excellent book called “Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date” (http://powertochange.com/familylife/shop/better-parenting-resources/) where he gives great instruction and mentions that the interview should last about 20 – 30 minutes.  By the time we hit an hour, the water had been downed in gulps and I wasn’t finished yet. (Did I mention I was enjoying this?)

At one point I told Dan that if he hurt Aubri he might as well cut off my arm because the pain would be as severe and long lasting.  After an hour and a quarter Dan began to relax and he said something back to me that moved him way up in my books.  “Mr. Black, I don’t get to have these kinds of open discussions. Do you think we could do this again?” Dan is now my favorite (and only) son-in-law as we did have more discussions including the one where he asked for Aubri’s hand in marriage and I said ‘no’ but that’s a story for another time.

Dads, your daughter is a sacred trust, protect her.  If you are going to interview your daughter’s date, make sure you discuss this and agree upon it with her.  Otherwise she may feel slighted and hassled instead of protected. I have another daughter and I look forward to my next victim. Maybe he’ll appear in another blog about another fateful day.

The story is told of a couple that grew to find little to appreciate in one another.

At first it seemed impossible, yet as the days passed the task seemed to get easier.  One month later she reported to the counselor that something remarkable was happening to her husband – he was changing. Without him even knowing about her book, he started coming home earlier than usual seeming to be more relaxed to be there.  He was noticing the change in her and without even knowing what was causing it, he was responding.

Choose your focus

That wonderful quote on love from 1 Corinthians 13, so often heard at weddings,  holds the treasured nugget that “love keeps no record of wrongs”.

Every couple will find irritations in one another, for we are imperfect people. Yet how we decide, ahead of time, to respond to those irritations will make a world of difference in our relationships.

We can resent the irritations and eventually the person; we can count them and point them out and nag about them. Or we can choose to polish up the good things we see and hear and put our focus there. We can pray about the irritations, and for growth in patience and gentleness in both our partner and in ourselves. When an issue truly needs to be addressed do it carefully and prayerfully without a spontaneous outburst.

Attitude is everything  

Thankfulness is heart-changing. The way YOU perceive a situation is the way you will respond to it.  Perception, whether or not it is factual, becomes truth to the individual. Choose early to have a love that “keeps no record of wrongs” but finds the good and stores up a “record of rights” in your heart toward one another.

A wise friend of mine decided to begin a “record of rights” for her fiancée because she found the written word powerful and sometimes easier to express.  She started the book without telling him about it and one day, when he was packing for a trip, she slipped it into his suitcase.  He found it when he settled into his hotel room and read the whole thing.  They both love this record of rights because it now serves to help them remember those first words and first feelings of her love and thankfulness for him and it helps them choose where to focus.

God’s wisdom, to keep no record of wrongs, is a powerful reminder to choose where you focus in the daily rubbing of shoulders and the nitty-gritty of life.

He also promises to grant you the patience and gentleness, the kindness and thankfulness that you need day to day. Simply ask Him, every day, to help you look with eyes that see the good and respond with love that polishes up the good you find in one another. When something needs to be addressed, ask Him to help you in the timing and attitude in which you approach it.

Choose today that the “record of rights” will be your norm long before any irritations have a chance to build a wall in your heart.

Choosing your focus will help keep the wonder of your love a true treasure in your heart daily.

Do you need help changing your focus? We can help, take a Life Lesson

Teach your kids to cook so you don’t have to!

So at 11 they can make 1.
At 12 they can make 2.
At 13 they can make 3.

And so on, and so on, and so on. That way, when they move out at 18, the goal is that they can make seven different meals well, and one fancier meal for company.

This applies to both girls and boys. Do not raise your sons differently from your daughters in this regard. First of all, the average boy doesn’t marry until 27, so that’s 9 years away from home first, unless you want him living in your basement and eating your food the whole time. Even when he does marry, do you really want your daughter-in-law to have to do all the cooking? Train him for independence! You’re doing everyone a favor!

Getting started

So how do you figure out the meals to make? Think about your family’s favorite meals and start with the easiest one.  This is what has worked for me:

Year 11: Spaghetti. It’s easy, and most kids like it, and it’s mostly just stirring. You can start by just teaching them to make the pasta and heat up a can of sauce with some meat. Then teach them how to add some chopped veggies, like garlic or carrots or peppers. Then add some homemade garlic bread. (Just chop fresh garlic up, add it to butter with some parsley, and spread it on bread. Broil it, and you’re done! Just check the timer. I’m forever burning mine).

Year 12: Chicken pie/chicken rice casserole. This is one of my children’s favorite meals, so we taught it young. It’s not that difficult:

Start with leftover chicken and add
1 can cream-of-something soup (use whatever is in your cupboard)
1 cup gravy (leftover, or the instant kind, or a can)
a lot of frozen veggies, or chopped fresh carrots, etc.

Heat it all up, and then either put it in some pie shells and bake it, or add rice and a bit of sour cream to it, sprinkle with cheese and breadcrumbs, and cook as a rice casserole. It’s great either way!

Year 13: Chicken and potatoes (This is a great meal that makes leftovers so they have the leftover chicken to make chicken pie. But most kids feel very threatened by making a whole chicken, plus they think the meat is gross, so it’s best to leave this until a little bit later).

The biggest benefit of learning how to roast a chicken is that your realize how easy it is! If you teach your kids how to make different side dishes, from baked potatoes to mashed potatoes or rice, then they’re all set. Now no matter which meat they roast they can make a meal! Gravy is a little trickier, but my daughter Rebecca’s getting pretty good at it right now.

Year 14: Grilled ham. We make ours dipped in maple syrup and then grilled in a frying pan or on the barbecue, depending on the time of year. The kids love it! We usually splurge on Lipton’s sidekicks for this meal.

Year 15: Shepherd’s Pie. Again, it’s easy. But I leave it until later because I always find this meal takes a bit of time because of all the peeling of potatoes and chopping and mashing, and the kids don’t like doing that work as much. Here’s our recipe:

Brown 1 1/2 pounds ground beef.
Add 1 can of tomato soup
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
a bunch of garlic powder and salt and paprika

Layer this in a pan. Cover with frozen veggies. Add mashed potatoes on top of that. Sprinkle with paprika. Bake at 400 for half and hour. If it’s not brown on top, broil for a minute or two. We’ve started tripling this recipe and making three pans, because the kids love it and we leave it for leftovers.

So there you have five days of meals for your teens and preteens to start learning to make! That’s also our recipe plan for this week. None of these recipes cost very much. They’re all very affordable, and the kids like them. And one day, when they’re on their own, they’ll feel competent! What recipes do you use to teach children how to cook? And how are they doing at it?

This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.

Breaking down financial barriers to be free to live generously

1. Live within your means

Save up for purchases and pay cash rather than buying on credit. If you do use credit, pay the whole monthly balance so that your resources aren’t drained away in interest.

As soon as they are old enough, give your kids an allowance or let them control some of the gift money they receive. Encourage them to live within their means by saving for desired items. Working for an allowance and waiting to be able to afford something helps kids understand the real cost of an item and curtails frivolous purchases.

2. Get out of debt

You are not free to give if you are overwhelmed by debt. If you give on credit, you are really giving away someone else’s money. Once you are free to give, here are some tips for weaving benevolence into the fabric of your family life.

Tips for Giving Freely

1. Plan to be generous

Set measureable goals like donating 5% of your annual income or $5,000 per year. Share your goals with your kids and update them on your progress. Review your actual giving at the end of the year and set new goals for the next year.

2. Focus your generosity

Corporations often have clearly defined priorities that help them focus their giving. Some donate to charities that help disadvantaged kids while others support organizations that care for the environment.

Talk about what you value as a family. Are you passionate about animals? Do you know someone with Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, or some other medical condition? Do you want to alleviate poverty in developing nations or support Bible translation? After identifying the good you want to do in the world, look for reputable organizations that share your values. Focus your giving on a small group of charities rather than donating less money to more agencies—your gifts will have more of an impact.

3. Don’t wait to give

Even if you are currently in debt or have limited resources, you can still give your time. Any holiday is a good time to help your local food bank collect and sort food or to serve a meal at a local drop-in centre for people who are homeless. Look for opportunities to serve with your kids. As you model a generous lifestyle and involve your kids in sharing, they will develop a life-long giving habit.

For help in getting your financial needs in balance so you can live a more generous life, contact FaithLIfe Financial.

Call 1-800-563-6237, or email moreinfo@faithlifefinancial.ca.

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