This is becoming much too familiar.

I live on a fault line so earthquakes get talked about fairly often. But in the 15 years since I moved out to the coast I’ve only ever felt one, a single tremor that made the building tremble once and then snap back to center.  I cannot imagine what it feels like to see the ground open up at your feet.  Maybe it’s time to start putting together that emergency pack I started thinking about when I heard the news New Zealand a few weeks ago.

I don’t subscribe to doomsday thinking, but there is wisdom in being prepared.   If you want to put together your own emergency kits there are lists of what to include.  It wasn’t us this time, but who knows when the earth will shift again.

There is always a lot of confusion at a time like this: the chaos of people on the ground trying to find which way is up, and the confusion for the rest of us wondering why this keeps happening.  Where is God in all of this? If you find yourself wondering that this morning, our free interactive lesson Why does God allow disaster? can be a great place to start.

If you world got shaken up today and you need someone to talk to, our mentors are always available.

There was a video on CNN yesterday that stopped me in my tracks.

The children are all wearing the same dress and the same expression, only the color of their skin is different.  An interviewer asks the little girl “who is the smart child?” “who is the mean child?” Over and over the little girl assigns all of the positive characteristics to the white children and all of the negative characteristics to the darkest skinned child.

I sat and watched, saddened and a little heartbroken until the interviewer asked the girl “Why is she the good child” and the little girl says “Because I think she looks like me.”

That really got my attention.

I’ve always thought of racism as a great evil that is taught, that somehow, for some reason we teach children to hate.  But I found her answer very illuminating.  Don’t we, as adults, assume the best of the people are who are most like us? Could the roots of racism really be that simple?

Just because it’s a natural response certainly doesn’t mean it’s acceptable or good and it doesn’t excuse us from taking active steps to combat our own wrong thinking. Later on in the clip, the girl’s mother fights back tears as she whispers “I guess she just hasn’t been exposed.”   I wonder about my own childhood – were the children in my story books the same color as I am? Were the dolls I played with?

I know that part of what made Star Wars such a game changer is that Lucas intentionally played with this thinking.  In the movies the Jedis, the good guys, all wear dark colors while the Storm Troopers, the harbingers of evil, are clad in sparkling white.

It’s easy to watch this little girl and think “wow, that’s sad” but what do I see when I look at my own thinking? What do you see when you look at yours?

How do you combat the mistaken thought that “people who look like me are better”?

More:
Searching for a beautiful woman
Beauty at what price?

They say that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, but I’m not convinced that’s true.

Distance is exactly the opposite of what most couples hope for.  When you’re in a relationship with someone the goal is to get closer – to get to know each other better, to love each other deeper.  Distance affects communication and makes it far too easy for misunderstandings to happen.

Going the distance

I remember years ago a friend of mine left her boyfriend back east to go to a school on the west coast.  A few months later he flew out visit.  She thought he was coming to break up with her, but he arrived with an engagement ring in his pocket.  Their expectations could not have been more different.  If they had been able to spend more time together she would have seen that he was getting very serious and he would have realized that she was already walking away.

So what happens when you have no choice but to be separated? For many couples work, school or military service forces them apart.  Fortunately love can stretch over any distance, if you’re willing to put in the work.  When you don’t see each other over breakfast you have to be intentional about making contact every day.  You won’t just stumble into each other, you have to make plans.

Our recent article, “Long Distance Love” offers four practical ways to keep your love close even when you find yourself on the other side of the country, or even the other side of the world.  Take the time to stay in touch and your love can survive anything geography can throw at it.  If you wonder if it’s too late for you, take heart.   Your relationship might be more fixable than you realize.  (Read: Is your marriage fixable?)  For even more ideas to keep your relationship strong try our free life lesson: Rekindle the Romance.

What do you do to keep your relationship strong?

As the election results came in this morning I kept thinking of a single line from the Declaration of Independence

For some these election results are exactly what they dreamed of, and for others they feel more like a nightmare.  One person feels a greater liberty this morning, another feels less free than they did yesterday.  I can understand the need to list life and liberty in such an important document but I’ve always wondered why the founding fathers felt the need to list happiness.

On the one hand I can see the importance of happiness, but at the same time a lot of the basics of happiness  can be found in life and  liberty.  So why single out the pursuit of happiness out for special mention? I wonder if they knew that even now all these years later we’d find ourselves pursuing happiness more often than simply enjoying it.

So what makes you happy? For some people it’s their kids and their spouse,  it could be work or a favorite hobby, travel, helping others, planning an upcoming wedding.  We write books on happiness, take surveys on how happy we are compared to other nations.  Advertisers will tell you that happiness is bug business.  With all this talk of happiness you’d think it would be commonplace, or at least easier to find.

I saw a video today, Which Path Will You Take? that asked if maybe the reason we have trouble finding happiness is because we’re looking in the wrong place.  Watch the video – it’s only five minutes – and see what you think.  (The video will load in a new page.  You can also access it by clicking the image at the top of this post.)

Where do you look for happiness?

I am still trying to decide if identity is a solid, sure thing or if it changes. Do we become different versions of ourselves over time, or does time give us the wisdom to accept who we were all along? Are the new versions simply deeper levels of self acceptance?

I was reading a friend’s blog the other day and she recounted a story that sounded so familiar.  Has this happened to you?  She writes:

I own a genuine leather coat–one I bought at Value Village 12 years ago or so. I went back and forth on my decision. The coat just wasn’t me. I waffled; it wasn’t me, yet it called to me. This coat was something I wanted to be, and so I bought it.

The coat sat in my closet for months, but came along with me on my move. When my roommate, Karen, suggested a trip to a local coffee and dessert lounge, I pulled out the coat. And somehow, in this new environment, I’d changed, and become the girl I’d wanted to be–the one who wore this leather coat.

There are times when we know that more is coming, it’s just not quite here yet.  “Who am I?” is one of the great questions of human life. One of my favorite thoughts on identity comes from the Drew Barrymore movie Never Been Kissed.  Toward the end of the story when all has been revealed she charges her classmates, “Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it.” I think that’s the secret right there.  If we can make peace with who we are – celebrate the good, work on parts that need improvement – there’s a lot of happiness in that.

I wonder if we confuse our sense of identity by getting lost in the details? I am not what has happened to me.  That’s my past, not my identity.  I am not where I come from, or even the things that I’ve done.  Those are all part of my story, but they are not who I am.  At the most fundamental core of myself, I am a person created, loved, skilled, and flawed.  I believe that God has a plan for my life.  I believe he has one for yours too.  You can read my story to see how I made peace with myself.

Who do you want to be when you grow up? When I went away to university my Mom told me that I was entering a time in my life when I would choose who I wanted to be.  She was partially right.  Yes, there is an intense time of self discovery in those years, but like so many things, it doesn’t end on graduation day.  Uncovering ourselves, learning our own story is a life long journey.  The skill is in learning to like what you find out, and being brave enough to challenge the parts that you don’t.

If you’re ready to go on a journey of self discovery try our free, guided life lesson “What’s in Your Bag? Learning to define yourself”.  You’ll be matched with a study coach who will walk with you as you learn.

Arguably the worst piece of romantic advice ever given is the oft quoted,

In a recent article for CNN  Laurie Puhn explains how to do it right.   As children we all learn that simply saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough.  You have to mean it.  In her article Puhn outlines three ways to get your message across.  “Step 1,” she writes “make a mountain out of a molehill.”

Our tendency is usually to downplay the error, but that can be a sneaky way of accusing the other person of overreacting.  Downplaying the wrong is akin to non-apology of “I’m sorry you’re upset.”  Any good apology involves admitting fault.  It’s most effective if you get that out of the way upfront.

Puhn goes on to say that step 2 involves using “the because clause”. This is the other half of owning up to your mistake.  The issue is not just what you did but how it made your partner feel.  Being late for your date suggests that you had other, more important things to do.  Forgetting to do something you promised can make a partner feel unwanted.  Own up to the way you made them feel.  It’s a great opportunity to tell them how much they mean to you, how you would never intentionally mean to make them feel that way.

Mistakes are just that – mistakes. The whole point is that they are not your usual behavior so there’s little harm in admitting to what went wrong this time.  Saying it out loud validates the other person’s emotions.  It tells them that you understand and value their feelings.  And that’s important.

The final step in a perfect apology is what Puhn calls “prevent and repair”. This is the part where you fix things, if you can.  If you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, go get it.  If you can’t fix the damage, tell your partner what you will do to make sure this doesn’t happen again.  You might need to write things down, or put a little wiggle room into your schedule so you’re not late.  Taking action is the perfect ending to a great apology.

When you’re dealing with a much bigger issue that showing up late, one good apology might not be enough. If you’re dealing with a larger issue, take heart.  If you apologize and mean it and change your behavior to keep showing that you mean it, good things can happen.  Read Sue’s story of when sorry just wasn’t good enough.

If your relationship could use a little tune-up or if you want to learn how to make a great relationship even better, try a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway.  You’ll be amazed at what you learn and you’ll both reap the benefits.

I turned on CNN this morning and there was more news of bullying and suicide and it broke my heart. In the past couple of weeks we’ve lost Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas and earlier this year Phoebe Prince.  I wish that was an exhaustive list but there are others.  Bullying sometimes gets passed off as just a part of growing up.  But for these five and untold numbers of others like them, they won’t get the chance to grow up.  For them, bullying cost them everything.  I know how they feel – I was almost one of them.

A friend on Facebook linked me to a video of Ellen DeGeneres addressing the bullying on her show.  Just a few seconds into watching it I started to cry. This could have been me. I got bullied for a different reason, but I’m pretty sure the pain feels the same. I came to the same conclusion these kids came to. The bullies made me hate myself and that is a terrifying place to be.

The tears came as a surprise, I didn’t realize that the pain was still so raw so many years later. I read somewhere that the damage of bullying never goes away and I wonder if that’s true.  Ellen said, “This needs to be a wakeup call to everyone that teenage bullying and teasing is an epidemic in this country and death rate is climbing.  One life lost in this senseless way is tragic.  Four lives lost is a crisis.”  It’s not overstating the point.  Bullying is a crisis and it’s one that is often suffered in silence.

If you or someone you know is being bullied talk to someone. I didn’t and my silence almost cost me everything. Years later I found out that help was right there I just didn’t know it. All I had to do was open my mouth. I know it’s not easy, but it’s easier than this.  I didn’t tell my parents because I figured that you had to go to school.  I didn’t realize that if they’d known my parents would have home schooled me, or looked into private school or sent me to school in another district.  I had options I just couldn’t see them.

Eventually I did transfer to another high school and everything changed.  I came home that first day and when my Mom asked how it went I told her “no one was mean to me today” with a surprised look on my face.  I had no idea school could be like that.  I remember talking to my older brother about the possibility of switching schools.  I was afraid and when he asked why I said, “what if I get there and it’s worse?” I remember him looking over at me and asking, “Claire, how could it possibly be worse?”

Reading the reports on the news today, I see how it could have been worse. We didn’t have Facebook when I was in high school.  Thank God for that.  I’m not sure I would have survived that.  At the end of her video Ellen gives some of the best advice I’ve heard since this debate hit the news cycle.  She said, “Things will get better . . .and you should be alive to see it.”

I shudder to think of all I would have missed out on if I had carried through with my plans. You can read my story and see what it was that quite literally saved my life.   If you are being bullied or if you just need someone to talk to we have mentors available 24/7.  Just use this form to send in a request and your mentor will contact you, usually in a few days.  If you need to talk to someone right now and feel that you might be a danger to yourself call 1 800 SUICIDE to get help immediately.  Suicide is a permanent reaction to what is often a temporary situation.  I know it hurts, and I know it’s not easy but if you can just survive high school it gets so much better.  I promise.

If you want to understand yourself better try our free Life Lesson: Defining Yourself: What’s in Your Bag? You’ll be matched with a study coach who will walk with you as you learn.

If someone teases you and you are hurt by it who is at fault?

As Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, noted in a recent blog, teasing can serve a good purpose if done correctly, but it’s a rare skill:

It’s certainly true that some people are more able to use teasing — i.e., making fun or mocking someone playfully — in a nice way than are others. Some people can use teasing as a way to make people feel closer, as a way to show friendship — which is obviously a good thing. But maybe that’s more in the nature of “joshing” (teasing lite) than real “teasing.” Some people are good at using teasing as a way to bring up a difficult subject in a way that’s a relief to everyone — very tricky to do well.

Rubin goes on to say that the litmus test of  good tease is very simple: if the person you are attempting to tease thinks it’s funny, you’ve succeeded.  If they are uncomfortable you need to stop.

It’s not just words

I remember being on both sides of this equation as a kid. I have a younger brother who is six years younger than I am.  I went away to university when he was 13.  I came home that summer to an adolescent who had still been a little boy when I left in the fall.  I don’t remember what I said to him one night over dinner, but I do remember Dave bursting into tears and yelling, “nothing is EVER good enough for you.”

I love that kid like air and I would never have intentionally hurt him, but I did hurt him that night.  There are some who would argue that he should toughen up but that’s not true.  I’m the one who was in the wrong that night.  I should have been more careful with him.

In high school I lived on the receiving end of teasing. You can argue that it’s just words but I cannot agree with that.  The words that were said to me landed like fists against my heart.    They chipped away at my sense of self until there was almost nothing left and I came very close to throwing away what little remained.   (You can read my story here.)

Well intentioned or not, teasing often starts with a seed of criticism.  It’s hard for anything good to come from that.  After reading Rubin’s post I’m more convinced than ever that teasing is a lot like handling poisonous snakes: yes there are a few people who can do it with spectacular results, but for most of us the risk for injury just isn’t worth it.

What were your experiences with teasing as a child, and now as an adult? Do you think teasing ever benefits the receiver? Let us know in the comments.

Teasing had a very negative affect on my life.  Read how I rebuilt my self esteem.  If you struggle with your sense of self try our free life lesson Defining Yourself: What’s in your bag?

We’ve all asked “why?” at some point or another.  Chris Keith has been asking why for most of his life.

He was 12 years old when his grandparents decided he was old enough to know the truth.  His whole family – his parents and his older brother Mikey – did not die in a car accident as he has been told.  The were the victims of a murder-suicide at the hands of Chris’ Dad.   Chris learned that his father had shot him point blank in the head as well, that paramedics had declared him dead as well until somehow he moved a little and they realized he was still alive.

Chris is left with a lifetime of whys.  Why did his father do this? Why did his Mom take a violent drunk back into her life again and again? Why did Chris survive while his brother died? Why wasn’t it the other way around?

Learning to live with “why?”

Years of therapy, a strong faith and the love of his grandparents have helped Chris as he walks through his own story, but nothing is ever going to make what happened okay.  In a recent article for CNN Chris describes laying awake at night during his high school years, “just thinking”.

Philosophers, pastors and cynics have all tried to answer the question why, but few of them have had to live it as Chris has.  The search for meaning, the longing for life to have a purpose and a direction is common to all of us.  We want to belong, we want our lives to count.  We need it.  Our very souls crave it.

In his book Soul Cravings Erwin McManus discusses his own search for the answers to these very questions.   He writes, “Our souls crave to know the truth, and we need to pursue it at all cost. Whatever the implication, whatever it takes us, we must search for meaning, strive for understanding, struggle to make sense of life, never give up on the belief that the truth is out there.”

If you find yourself asking the same questions and want to learn more about the search for intimacy, destiny and meaning join us for a special chat series on Soul Cravings Monday nights at 9pm EST. The series starts on August 30th and runs every Monday until September 27.

How do you answer the whys in your own life?

There’s been a lot of people finding inspiration from books this past year.

For many of us, taking a year to go find ourselves in Italy, India and Bali is an impractical, if lovely idea. We have finances to consider and family responsibilities and most of us need to show up for work in the morning.  Fortunately, there are ways to try a journey of your own on a smaller scale, to eat, pray and love a little.

A recent report on CNN’s ireport detailed local options for a journey of self discovery.  They suggest New Orleans to eat, Colorado to pray and Hawaii for love.  Great ideas all, but they still require a trip to the airport.  Fortunately, self discovery can be had for an even more modest budget.

Rosamunde Pilcher says that “luxury is the total fulfillment of all five senses at once” and that is a luxury we can all afford, we just need to get a little creative. 

Here’s how to eat, pray and love in your own city.

Eat

Is there a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try but never made the time? Try lunch instead of dinner and you’ll spend less.   Sites like groupon.com or livingsocial.com offer daily deal, many of which are huge savings on restaurants you could try one of those.  If you want to stick to just a $5 budget, find a bakery or local coffee shop in your town.  Take the morning off, get a coffee and something warm and sweet and just sit and enjoy it for an hour.  Eat slowly, breath deeply.  You’ll feel miles away from ordinary.

Pray

Try to find a place that is quiet and peaceful.  It might be a church, it could be a park or a beach or the library or local lookout.  Find a place where it’s quiet and go, alone to pray.  Take a journal with you.

Love

It’s hard to pick a date on the calendar and declare “I will meet my soul mate on Wednesday!” (well, it is pretty easy to say, hard to follow through on) but you can find love any day of the week if you know where to look.   Focus on loving yourself better or loving others.  Loving yourself better could be as simple as refusing to criticize yourself, or trying a new haircut or eating really, really fresh vegetables at lunch time.

Loving others could mean paying more attention to the people in your life or reaching out to others.  You could love by volunteering for a day – read to someone who’s bed ridden, serve at a soup kitchen, walk a couple of dogs from your local pound.  When you reach out to others, you’ll feel them reach back to you and while it’s not quite the same as falling in love in Bali, it still feels pretty amazing.

“Eat” and “love” are easy, “pray” can be a  little less familiar. If you’d like to learn how to pray, try our free life lesson Embracing Prayer.  You’ll be matched with a study coach who will talk through your answers with you as you learn.

Have you read the book or seen the movie? How will you eat, pray and love this year?

Upcoming online chats: Join us for daily online chats! One of our features will be “Finding Inner Peace ” on August 22 at 9:00 pm EDT Please join us to discuss how you can find peace within.