When you were dating you where head over heels interested in each other. You knew when your partner got up in the morning, what they had at Starbucks, who they called each day and who they hated from your favorite TV show. Being interested in each other was one of the strengths of your relationship.
So now that you’re married, are you still interested or are you…bored?
Spouses like to claim that they know all about their partner. Prove it. Take the challenge. Write out your answers to the following questions separately. Then discuss them together.
1. What is your partner’s favorite way to spend the weekend? (5 pts)
2. Describe what romance looks like to your partner (5 pts)
3. Describe your partner’s perfect day (5 pts)
4. Who was your partner’s favorite teacher and why? (5 pts)
5. What would your partner do if they won $1000? (5 pts)
TOTAL _______
How did you do? Do you know your partner as well as you think you do? Did your partner know you? I’d love to hear how you did. What surprised you? What made you laugh? What you do to keep up the Interest Quotient in your relationship?
Yesterday Major Nidal Malik Hasan, an army psychiatrist, opened fire at the Fort Hood military base in Killeen, Texas, killing 13 people. The BBC reports:
The shooting began at about 1330 (1930 GMT) on Thursday at a personnel and medical centre at Fort Hood – the largest US military base in the world, home to about 40,000 troops.
The commander of the base, Lt Gen Robert Cone, told NBC News that, according to eyewitnesses, Mr Hasan had shouted the Arabic phrase “Allahu Akbar!” [God is great] before opening fire.
He was shot four times during the attack and is currently being treated in hospital under armed guard.
Reports suggested that he had been increasingly unhappy in the military and that his work at his previous post – Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington DC – had been the subject of concern.
The New York Times said the FBI had been investigating internet postings by a man called Nidal Hasan that appeared to back suicide bombings – but said it was not clear whether it was the suspect.
How can we respond to such acts of terrible violence? Recently, Gary, a young man with a family living in Canada, faced an attack of his own: A package bomb left on the back steps of his home. Not knowing what the package was, he picked it up, and it exploded in his hands. Read Gary’s story of his survival, and how he was able to respond to an act of senseless violence.
If you are grieving or dealing with disappointment or despair, please contact us today to talk about it, we’re always here to listen.
Image credit: Daniel Greene, used with permission, Creative Commons 2.0 License.
For some people, getting pregnant is the easiest thing in the world. It happens to teens who are not ready, it happens for some couples just weeks after the wedding. Pregnancy, it seems, is one of the those things we’re supposed to be able to do. Graduate, get married, have a baby – it’s a pretty common experience. I think we forget that even under the most ordinary circumstances, a pregnancy is always a miracle.
November is National Adoption Awareness month, a time to recognize a whole host of miracles. I am amazed by, and so proud of, the women who are willing to carry a child they cannot keep. They tend a miracle for nine months and then do the unspeakably heroic: they let the child go.
Biology is not what makes a family, love is. A husband and wife become family by choosing to love each other forever. Children enter families the same way, adopted or not. It is not blood type or genetics that determine love. Love is always a choice.
As Julie Stobbe wrote in her excellent article, “Life is Not an Accident”:
Through the years my birth mother had become my heroine. I no longer thought of her as a loser or as an irresponsible young teenager. To me she had become an incredibly courageous young woman, a person of great strength and integrity. She had given me all the things that I never would have had if she had kept me or aborted me. I wanted to hug her and show her I had turned out all right. Every single goal I’ve ever accomplished has been a direct result of her decision to not abort me and to give me to my family. She put my needs before her own. It was not easy, but it was right. She loved me that much.
Life, love, and pregnancy, whether planned or unplanned, these are no ordinary miracles.
To hear the rest of Julie’s story, read her article “Adoption: Life is not an Accident”. If you have questions about adoption, if you’re pregnant and wish you weren’t or are not and wish you were, we’re here for you. Send us an email and one of our mentors will respond.
What are you willing to give up? In today’s economy, many people are looking for ways to trim the budget. Senior editor Claire talks about different perspectives on cutting back.
Learn to manage your time better with our free online interactive life lesson “Time Management“!
Are you ready to “simplify your life”? If so, what is one thing that you wouldn’t be willing to give up?
It’s easy to think that charity is something someone else should do, someone who has a lot more money than I do. But the truth is this: it is my responsibility too and I am neither as powerless nor as “un-rich” as I might sometimes think.
Wealth and opportunity are incredibly subjective. Those of us who eat three times a day without thinking about it, who lock the door behind us and get in our cars, who sleep in clean, safe places are better off that literally billions of people. We are rich, we just can’t see it.
Scott Harrison, founder of Charity: Water, describes his experience this way:
I traded my spacious midtown loft for a 150-square-foot cabin with bunk beds, roommates and cockroaches. Fancy restaurants were replaced by a mess hall feeding 400+ Army style. A prince in New York, now I was living in close community with 350 others. I felt like a pauper.
But once off the ship, I realized how good I really had it. In new surroundings, I was utterly astonished at the poverty that came into focus through my camera lens. Often through tears, I documented life and human suffering I’d thought unimaginable. In West Africa, I was a prince again. A king, in fact. A man with a bed and clean running water and food in my stomach.
Groups like Charity: Water, which builds wells, or DonorsChoose.org which helps fund classrooms in the US take donations in any amount. You don’t have to have $500 to donate, you can give $5 or a single dollar and dollar by dollar, it adds up.
Back in August American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert challenges his fans to donate to DonorsChoose instead of giving him gifts. I don’t know what he expected, but in just 30 days, almost 2000 donors raised over $200,000. Most of the fans participating were young, were students or young adults still paying back student loans.
They funded band programs and dance programs, they bought paint and glue and scissors. They bought even bought pencils. (Yes, there are schools in the US where the students lack pencils.) It all adds up. If you ever need a pick-me-up, read the thank you letters the teachers have posted on the site.
Together, everyone’s little bit can do much. It can change the world. Who’s world will your $5 change? It just might be your own.
Recently my husband and I had his sister and her husband over for supper. I explained rather sheepishly that my meal choices were made because I was trying to clean out the kitchen of random food items. I mean, it wasn’t all canned mushrooms and Jello, although I did make Jello Jigglers for the first time since I was 12, because who doesn’t have a box or two of that kicking around?
We ate salmon skewers (frozen salmon), grilled baby bok choy, and a cream cheese and cherry pie filling puffed pastry (two out of the three ingredients for this have been with us for awhile).
All this to say, my sister-in-law told me that I was not the first to feel the need to clean out the pantry. Apparently the financial crisis has sparked an interest in what is being called Eating Down The Fridge.
So I decided this was worth looking into and was, at the same time, sure to satisfy my need to clear clutter, cook creatively and pursue a more balanced lifestyle. Googling the topic brought up many blogs and forums that were taking groups through this exercise and allowing them to share recipes, menus and experiences. A Mighty Appetite, a blog on washingtonpost.com, was where I started and found my way to eG Forums where I got some great ideas to eat down my own fridge. And freezer. And cupboards.
Fat Guy from eG Forums says,
If you spend $100 a week on groceries, this experiment will put $100 back in your pocket quicker than you can say stimulus. If you’re home 50 weeks of the year and you perform this experiment once per quarter, you’ll reduce your grocery bill by 8%.
That sounded good to me so I started by taking inventory of a random selection of what our kitchen held:
This is about 1/10th of what was filling our kitchen. Kind of sad. So I tried the experiment for a week, building in some rules of my own to be sure we didn’t end up with scurvy.
The Rules
Over the next seven days, with the help of the internet, I created recipes for the first time, ate food I had been avoiding, and learned that we never have “nothing in the house to eat”. I spent a total of $12.43 CAD on groceries and estimate that I saved $40-$50. I was amazed to see how much variety I still had in my diet, far beyond what most of the world can afford. Saving money was a perk (probably more enjoyed by my thrifty husband) but learning to think outside the box and gain an appreciation for what I already have was truly satisfying.
I feel challenged to think about how I can up the impact next time we try this. Maybe we’ll trying growing some of our own food to cut down on purchasing them permanently, or donate the money we save to the Food Bank. Has anyone else made lifestyle changes to save money or positively affect society?
Related reading: From Making Money to Giving it Away – Bobby received news that his adopted daughter had been killed in a car accident. Bobby finally broke. “I was a wreck,” he says.
We took a holiday by a lake in the mountains. The sky was blue, the water cool and the mountains surrounding the lake was surreal in beauty and magnitude. Bobbing on air mattresses that I had purchased the week before from the local hardware store for a whopping $12.97, I asked my husband the million dollar question. It was a simple one, but one that had been haunting me for the past month.
“Do you like me?”
I know… the question sounds needy and is obviously asked from a depth of insecurity, but the reality was I needed to know. I never doubted whether my husband was committed to me, or whether he loved me – I just needed to know whether he liked me.
I wanted to talk about how he was feeling towards me. When a wife asks her husband about feelings there often tends to produce a knee-jerk reaction. Please, can we talk about the weather, fishing, sports or… I might even be willing to talk religion or politics… but feelings??
Feelings play such a huge role in relationships but they are often hard to put into words. It can tough to describe whether you feel positive about your relationship or not and why.
Positive sentiment override is when positive comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones about 20:1. This idea originated with John Gottman and it suggests that there is a positive filter that modifies how couples evaluate their relationship. In this state there are more positive feelings and thoughts attached to the relationship that negative (and yes Sherlock, negative sentiment over-ride is when negativity presides).
When there is positive sentiment override in a marriage there is a feeling of good will towards each other. It means that at the end of the day, when you are brushing your teeth before bed and you look at the person you are sharing the sink with – there is positive feeling; you actually like the person. This is the stuff that good marriages are built on; mutual feelings of positive sentiment.
My husband and I had been through a series of tough issues and situations. Personality clashes, style differences and even gender disparities had caused some stormy waters. So, as we floated on the idyllic lake I posed the question. Do you like me?
His response was calculated and a bit too slow for my liking. But it was legitimate; he was being careful and analytical as his nature dictates. “Yes Doris, I do like you…” he replied. Then as the conversation continued we talked about the past month and the various strains that we had encountered. While restating our underlining commitment to each other we touched on a few things that we needed to implement to ensure that we would continue to ‘like’ each other.
We need to take time in our day to interact on an intentional level. Daily. We must incorporate time into our schedules and busy lives to look each other in the eye and to validate each other’s life. By noticing and even studying my husband I can learn to read and even predict how different circumstances will effect affect him. I once heard a friend say that he wanted to take the rest of his life to learn all he could about his wife –as if he were working toward a master’s degree on understanding her.
Daily interactions need to happen for this type of knowledge to be built up. Specific times of connecting to highlight:
Building a healthy marriage is keeping the positive sentiment higher than the negative reactions. It really is that simple – but it can be hard to do. It takes time and commitment to build a healthy relationship. Building a friendship in marriage is even more difficult because of all the strains that life brings.
So, next time you have a moment – or even right now – ask yourself. Do I like my spouse? If you can say yes, then you are heading in the right direction. If the answer is ambiguous or negative, then take time to get to know your spouse again, so that you will like them. You obviously liked each other at one time, or you wouldn’t have said “I do”.
And if the answer seems too slow or calculated for your liking – purchase an inexpensive floatation device and head for the mountains. Sometimes these types of questions just need the time and space to be answered.
More for Your Marriage
Have that conversation at a marriage conference
Doris’ blog
Surviving marital bliss
“Hockey season? Oh no, I just lost him again.” “Football every Sunday, and Monday?!” Wives across the country who are not as passionate about sports are probably thinking similar thoughts as they watch their husband (or boyfriend) take his place on the couch where he plans to live until Christmas.
This difference of opinion can be detrimental to a relationship, so I have a suggestion for the women, and one for my fellow men, that could make this a winning season for you both.
First the guys: Heads up, your wife relates differently than you. Although you can be in the same room with a group of guys, say nothing but “Oh ya! NO, NO, NO!! Hit him! Yes!” for three hours and feel that you have deeply connected (and if you’re cheering for the same team, bonded), realize that most wives do not share the same connection response capabilities. Yes it is surprising, but true.
So here is the plan: Initiate time to listen to her. Don’t glaze over on me! Women connect through verbal exchange, sitting facing each other instead of side by side watching a screen. I realize this is scary but you did just fine when you were dating. This week, plan a Starbucks date or even just a walk. Suck it up and be a man, you can do it. You might be surprised how meeting her need for connection on a regular basis will make her more willing to let you enjoy the game next time.
Now the women: Most guys speak, not through verbal exchange, but through doing things together. “What! Do you want me to watch the game?” That would work but only if he wants it. Having the guys over to burp, yell, eat junk food and do other rude things are bonding mechanisms for guys but having a woman present could hinder the process. Try to think of it the other way around: imagine your husband joining you and your friends when you go out for coffee and how that would change the dynamics, and the conversation. Don’t take it personally if he’d prefer some all-guys time.
Here is the plan for you: Do something with him, an activity he enjoys. One woman went out to the garage and read a book while her husband worked on his car. She was just there and he loved it! It may confuse your husband at first, but that woman’s husband said, “I don’t know what you are doing, but don’t stop!”
So, one thing each: Guys initiate time to talk this week, without the tv on. Women initiate doing something with (or at least near!) your man this week. I’d love to hear the results even if things didn’t go as planned.
More to Read
Romancing your wife
Paul Henderson: The goal of my life
Go for gold in your sex life
A friend of mine (let’s call her Jill) works in a library. As part of her responsibilities, she ran a summer program in the library for local teens, the theme of which was finding success in life. At the conclusion of the program, she invited her boyfriend (he’s her fiancé now, let’s call him John) to talk to the teens about how his Christian faith was important to his success.
Several of the teens wanted to know more about God and the Christian faith and asked John if they could meet with him to learn more. They decided to meet once a week in one of the library’s common rooms, which are open for anyone to use. It was not booked, they just chose to meet at a time when the room was rarely in use.
The library administrators learned about the meetings, and told Jill that they were not allowed to meet there anymore. This was supposed to be a public space open to anyone to use. Reluctantly, she informed John that the group couldn’t meet at the library anymore. Undeterred, John and the group met at a coffee shop away from the library instead.
Then the library administration told Jill that, not only was the group not allowed to meet at the library, but they didn’t want them meeting anywhere, at all. The rationale was that Jill’s connection to both the library and to John made the relationship between John and the teens inappropriate.
John is still meeting with the teens away from the library.
As Jill and I talked about this situation, we wondered if the library’s reaction would have been the same if they weren’t talking about religious topics. The room was a public one, and teens themselves requested the meetings.
Do you think the library’s actions were appropriate? Does the library have the right to attempt to control activities that happen outside of its premises? Is it simply that anything religious is unfairly excluded from the public square?
Related reading:
Talk about faith & your spiritual journey – Join our daily online chat rooms
Three Tough Questions about Faith – And how to answer them
According to the US Census Bureau, over 2.5million children in the USA live with their grandparents and not their parents. In an article on our site, author Frank Jones explores the increasingly common phenomenon of being a parent again at 50+.
Joan Giesbrecht didn’t have to deal with raising her grandchild alone, but she nevertheless didn’t feel ready to be a grandparent when her daughter became pregnant at age 18. Read her story, “I Wasn’t Ready to be a Grandma!“, to hear how her initial anxiety and trepidation was overcome, and how she was able to find joy in her situation.
Are you a grandparent, and if so, did you feel “ready” when you heard the news? Do you feel “ready” now? If you’re having trouble coping with being a new grandparent, or are pregnant or a new mother yourself, please contact us, we’re here to listen!
Connecting Through Technology
Do you use technology to stay in touch with family and friends?
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