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Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex part2
Part1: Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
Making the connection
Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning: that look she gave you might not even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.
The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.
Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her, help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:
“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.” Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227
Growing together
So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability. You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”. Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.
Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?
I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording. Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.
Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.
Fatigue. This is a no brainer. What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs. Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.
By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.
One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom. Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it. Communication is really important. She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
What is Advent?
One of my fondest childhood memories of the Christmas season is the Advent calendars my brother and I would receive every year. If you’re unfamiliar with this tradition, the particular version my family enjoyed consisted of a nearly flat decorated cardboard box, with tiny doors on it, numbered from 1 to 24 representing the days leading up to Christmas Eve.
Every day we would open one of the cardboard doors and behind each one we’d find a tiny chocolate. Every one of the chocolates was uniquely molded in a Christmas related shape. It was a fun diversion for us as kids as we impatiently awaited the arrival of Christmas day. But it doesn’t tell us much about the actual season of Advent. What is Advent?
The season of Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas, somewhere between November 27 and December 3, depending on the year. Advent is the period leading up to Christmas, which celebrates the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ. It is unknown when this tradition first began, but this period of waiting is often seen in the Christian tradition as a reminder that the world remains waiting for Jesus’ return.
The traditional color of Advent is purple, the color often associated with royalty, although today blue and red are also used. Modern day celebrations of Advent include Advent calendars, Advent wreaths, lighting special Advent candles, and a series of themed Sunday messages leading up to Christmas day.
Take the next step:
Was Jesus born on December 25th?
Take a lesson: Discovering Advent
Home Alone for the Holidays – When the most joyous time of year … isn’t.
Do you or your family have Advent traditions? Share them with us in the comments!
Image credit: tollens, used with permission, Creative Commons 2.0 License.
When Christmas doesn’t look like Christmas
How do you face the Christmas season when it doesn’t look the way it used to? I’ve been thinking about this a lot this year. A friend of mine will face his first Christmas in over 20 years without his wife. Another will celebrate without the child she waited so long for and held so briefly. They had both had plans for Christmas. They knew what was coming and now, this year, Christmas doesn’t look like Christmas at all.
Heartbreak and loss, loneliness and disappointment stand out in sharp contrast to the sparkly excitement of Christmas. An article I was reading earlier quoted Kate O’Dwyer Randall, a Chaplin, who said,
“Holidays in our culture are often about families, and families are not always happy institutions. I think that particularly if you’re facing a death or a divorce, the ‘empty chair syndrome’ becomes very real at this time of year.”
The article went on to say that many churches now have “Longest Night” or “Blue Christmas” services. These services offer a more subdued atmosphere to welcome those who want to acknowledge Christmas, but can’t face the ebullient joy of a well intentioned “Joy to the World!”
Christmas gets all glammed up, but at the heart of it all, it celebrates a very quiet moment. Christmas began with a little baby in a stable. It started with two parents who were tired from a long journey and caught off guard that the baby would choose this particular moment to be born. It wasn’t glamorous, and it wasn’t shiny but it did mark the moment that hope came to the world. (If you’re rusty on the details, you can read the Christmas story from the book of Luke.)
As I was reading about the Longest Night services, I found this poem by Ann Weems from her book Kneeling in Bethlehem. Her poem sums it up perfectly:
The Christmas Spirit
Is that hope
Which tenaciously clings
To the hearts of the faithful
And announces
In the face
Of any Herod the world can produce
And all the inn doors slammed in our faces
And all the dark nights of our souls
That with God
All things are possible,
That even now
Unto us
A child is born!
~ Ann Weems
If you would like someone to talk to, we are here waiting to talk and listen. May you continue to cling tenaciously to the hope that we celebrate, even now.
Take the next step:
Read the Christmas story from the book of Luke
How to celebrate when you’re not together
Home alone for the holidays
Give a Gift to Your Relationship
My early morning jog seemed colder than normal. I felt chilled to the bone, so I stayed in the hot shower a bit longer than usual. I had almost exhausted the hot water supply when I finally turned off the taps.
Through the curtains my husband handed me a towel. As I wrapped the fresh white towel around my shivering shoulders, deep warmth wrapped itself all around my thawing frame. My husband had warmed the towel in the dryer! I cannot describe how magical it felt.
The warmth of the towel seeped into my skin as my husband’s thoughtfulness saturated my soul. I felt loved. What a gift! It was a simple act of kindness that warmed my body and heart.
Now… before you start thinking that this kind of romance naturally occurs within the Born household, can I set the record straight? This wasn’t my hubby’s own idea. Nope. He didn’t come up with this on his own. He got it from a book. But… who cares? As I enshrouded my body with that warm towel, I didn’t give a hoot where the idea came from. I was relishing in his implementation of the idea. That was the gift.
Have you got a Christmas gift for your spouse yet? According to the guy on the radio, if you don’t have your gifts by now… it’s too late. But I don’t believe him. Come on, they’ve been playing Christmas music for months already. The pressure tactics of consumerism are little over the top.
For Christmas this year, my husband and I are giving each other the gift of attending a marriage conference together. Now, marriage conferences aren’t cheap, so we’ll be saving up for it. But I’m thinking it’ll be more like an investment. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the desire to learn new ways of saying “I love you” – whether the ideas come from a book, a marriage seminar or from your own creativity. No matter what stage a marriage is at (and we’ve been through ebbs and flows of our own) there is always hope for a deeper and more meaningful relationship.
So with the warm towel in mind, think about giving a gift that will change your relationship. Find out new ways to say I love you. Pick up a marriage book. Plan to attend a marriage seminar. Go for coffee with a friend and share some ideas. Choosing to learn new ways to love your spouse is a life-changing gift. Now that’s a real gift.
Take the next step:
Find a marriage conference near you: US schedule Canadian schedule
Do you have questions about marriage? Come talk to a mentor
Originally posted on dorisdoumaborn.wordpress.com . Used with permission.
Lest We Forget
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.
The In Flanders Fields poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae on May 3 1915. He wrote it after witnessing the death of his friend on the battlefield the day before. It is a solemn reminder of the atrocities of war and an admonishment to steadfastly remain vigilant even when faced with terrifying adversity.
On this day we honor those who bravely fought for freedom and justice, and many of whom bravely gave their lives for the noble cause. It goes by different names in different places, including Remembrance Day, Veteran’s Day, Poppy Day, and Armistice Day, but the sentiment is the same: Not to glorify the tragedy of war, but to commemorate the valor of those who fought to defend their country.
Brigadier General (ret.) Robinson Risner, a veteran pilot who fought in World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War, is one of those brave military soldiers who we should remember today. Despite being shot down twice over enemy territory, and being captured and tortured, each time it happened he wasted no time taking to the skies again, ready to serve his country. Read his story: Enduring Torture in a POW Camp
Please feel free to share your own stories of remembrance or commemoration in the comments below. If you feel the need to speak with someone in private, our online mentors are always available to listen.
Courageous
I was invited to see Courageous as a preview. I was looking forward to seeing a movie, because I love going to the theatre. The showing was scheduled for 10:30 a.m. At 9:00 we got a phone call that the house we were planning to moving into in less than a week fell through. We were really excited about that house! We thought God had miraculously provided. The movie flew out of my head as we went to see another house. My emotions were disgruntled, my kids were upset. It was a big change of plans and we had to shift really quickly.
“God what are you doing?” I wondered. The house had seemed like such a miracle, and now we were so disappointed. We said yes to the second house, but were still in grief over the first one. During that time the movie preview was postponed to 1:30. At 1:20 my daughter said to me, “Mom lets go to a movie.” I suddenly remembered Courageous and we ran out the door.
I was not expecting the range of emotions that Courageous took me on. I laughed, (really laughed) I cried (get-out-the-tissues-and-pass-them-down-the-row cried). I enjoyed it and the values resonated deep in my spirit. Values are very important to me and it was great to see a movie with such a strong message about priorities.
It brought me to tears
At one point during the film my eleven year old asked why I was crying. (Any parent will understand why I was crying, but it was lost on her.) I was crying because I love my kids SO much, and because we are SO rich because we have them. I cried because I miss my son and daughter who live in heaven. I cried for the reminder to appreciate my family and take seriously my responsibility and to laugh and dance and spend time with them. I cried because no matter where we live we are together and we have each other and THAT is what matters MOST.
I walked out of the theatre with a new perspective. We already have the thing that is the most important. I was still disappointed to lose the house, but chose to focus with gratitude on the great things about our new home instead. Perspective can make all the difference. I have recently learned that if we want to control our emotions we need to control our thoughts. It sounds simple but is hard to practice.
Courageous reminds us to focus on what is truly important: family, values, integrity. These are the things that last beyond the moment. I love my family and if we live in a shack and are safe and healthy, we still have much to be thankful for!
It takes courage to face both the daily things and the BIG things that life throws at us. This movie features several men who face both the big and small decisions with priorities based on family values. I was truly moved.
As a Christian who fully embraces the values of the film, I would love to see you all go opening weekend so that we can make a statement that good movies are wanted in our culture. This movie’s message is SO important for our culture. The next generation needs parents focused on character, love, integrity, involvement, and time spent together.
Get more tips on how you can be a better father:
Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous: Helping Dads Excel
Courageous: Helping Dads Excel
We put a lot of time and energy in our work – extra hours, extra effort to get the contract or meet deadlines. Hobbies can help give balance to the stress of our jobs, a needed outlet for creativity, or just release some pressure. These are both good things. But why don’t we put the same effort into our families? As Adam Mitchell says in the new movie, Courageous, “Jobs and hobbies are not eternal, our children are”.
Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home. One of them is moved to improve as a father. His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads. But it doesn’t end there. Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?
This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled. The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat. You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears. The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.
The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:
Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.
This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back. Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you. Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.
Courageous opens in select theatres September 30th.
Resources available
Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women. Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families. You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources
Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:
Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous
Who is Your Romantic Fancy?
When I was 9 years old I was in love with Chachi. I used to dream that I was just a few years older and I was asked to star in his TV show, and he kissed me and decided that he loved me. I would work out all kinds of different plots for the show, all of which involved him falling head over heels for me, because he was so wonderfully cute.
Ever have those kind of fantasies? We all do. The problem comes when they don’t stop when you make your marriage vows begin.
I know many married women who would never dream of cheating on their husbands, but at the same time they have a “crush” on some big star–either a sports figure or a celebrity. They have pictures of that man all over their FB page. They have mugs of him. They make constant references to him.
Recently I received this email from a woman exasperated with her friends. She writes:
Can you please tell married women to stop falling all over themselves praising other men? I’m sick of seeing married women talk about how “hunky” some hockey star is, or how “hot” some star is, especially when their husbands are sitting right there.
We’ve told men that we women don’t like it when they talk about how hot other women are, but we turn around and do the same thing! It has to stop.
I completely agree. I think something has happened to our society in the name of “sexual liberation”. In the 1970s, when feminism really got revved up, one of the things that the movement tried to do was to end the idea that women and men were somehow different. And so they started praising women for acting all sex-crazed, just like men. And it became a sign of women’s empowerment to say that a guy was “hot”, or to openly talk to other women about how cute someone was. While men weren’t allowed to do it, women were encouraged to do so.
Women now internalized that, so that we think it’s fun and harmless to idolize hockey players or football players or actors. But it isn’t! Even if your husband says it doesn’t bother him, it’s still wrong. The only one you should have eyes for is your husband.
We women often hear messages against romance novels, because these will wreck your marriage. In addition, I ask married women to, please stop posting about famous men on Facebook. And to stop buying jerseys of a particular player? And don’t tell your children that you like him, either! Instead, tell your children how much you love and adore their father.
You should be your husband’s biggest fan, not the fan of someone else. It isn’t harmless, even if you’re never going to meet the person in real life. It makes your mind go in the wrong direction, and it tells your husband and your kids that you’re not truly committed to loving only him.
Quite often making small changes in the long run make a BIG difference.
Let us know what you think.
This blog was originally posted on tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com . Used with permission.
Want more romance in your life?
Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.
I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, “Sex is volatile and it was meant to be.” For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, “what’s the use?” This leads to some very common questions like:
Q: My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me. I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me. I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?
A: Don’t jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.
Wired differently
Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex. It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. That’s the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the “bonding hormone”. That’s the chemical that makes them want to connect. So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.
She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. “Hey we want connection!” I hear you say. Ya right! We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.
So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed – I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, it’s mind boggling!
Part2: Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
The Summer of Letting Go
This fall my 18 year-old son, my first-born, my newly minted young adult, will be leaving home to start university. I have never been an overly protective mother. Over the years, he has often left home, even for extended times. At 8 years old, he spent a week with members of our extended family whom he barely knew.
After that there were vacations with his best friend’s family, 2-week ski trips with his French elementary school, excursions to Quebec with his French class, and to Mexico on mission trips, all without me along. I always knew that my role was to “let go” and encourage him to try his wings so that when the day came for him to become independent, he would be ready. For years I have been progressively working myself out of a job, or at least gradually changing my job description.
The universal questions
But am I ready? The distant deadline somehow always approaches far too rapidly. All parents experience this, but does that make it any easier? Joel Achenbach, in his touching blog post, Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time wrote, “It’s not true that kids grow up fast. What is true is that it seems fast if you’re paying too much attention to other stuff.” After all the years of reminding our much younger daughter that we had years together ahead of us before Josh left for college, we now find ourselves hurtling toward the day.
I talk to other moms a little ahead of me on this journey, and I realize that I am the Universal Mother asking the Universal Questions. Will he wake up in the morning and get to class? Will he eat properly? Will he so enjoy the taste of freedom that he will forget why he has gone to college? Will he wash his sheets? Will he think to call me occasionally, or will I be reduced to reading his Facebook posts to learn that he is off rock climbing?
Then there are the Important Questions. Will he be safe, going from a small town where we don’t always lock the front door, to living in a big city? Will he make wise choices about priorities, money, and friends? Will we still enjoy the complicity that now exists between us? Will he continue to walk with God? Will the new ideas he will be exposed to shake his faith or help him to go deeper still?
I think back to my own departure at 18. Was my mom sad or worried? Probably, but I don’t remember. I was too excited about starting college, growing up, and the anticipation of new friends and new adventures to pay much attention. And while Josh admitted recently that his excitement is also tinged with a little anxiety, I’m betting that it won’t be long before he is immersed in this new world.
I will miss him terribly, but would I really prefer that he only aspire to stay here, in the safety and security of our home? The idea behind the movie Failure to Launch is comical, but not so entertaining for real-life parents whose adult son is still living in the basement playing video games. I don’t want him to be too fearful to step out by faith, on his own. This is exactly the goal I had in mind as I raised him. I say to myself, often, “This is good and right. This is how it should be.” I can’t stop him from growing up, and I shouldn’t try either. But I can prepare him for the day that we say good-bye. This is ultimately not about me. It is about him, his future, and his life. I need to let him live it.
Take the next step
Is your family changing?
Are you ready to let go?
Check out the book that Carol featured: Last-minute bonding to make up for lost time by Joel Achenbach
Start a Conversation
Media
What Do You Fear?
What do you fear, and why? Is it holding you back from realizing your full potential?
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Do you crave destiny? (Part 2)
Destiny? Is this really me? Was I really born for great things?
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