Christmas, they tell us, is ‘the most wonderful time of the year’. What they don’t tell us is what we’re supposed to do when it isn’t. As the cards and carols like to remind us, Christmas is a time for families and togetherness, peace and well being for all. If only the problems in life paid more attention to the songs on the radio.
If you find yourself facing Christmas alone, December can be the longest month of all. If someone is missing from the celebrations this year, if a family member has been sick, or money worries are keeping you up at night it’s easy to want to echo the Grinch’s sentiment — “I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!” There are some years when Christmas is more than we can do. But more often, going into hibernation for a month isn’t a realistic plan. Christmas is coming, with or without our permission. So how do you face the season when it doesn’t look the way it used to?
If your circumstances have changes, remember that your plans and even your traditions can change too. This can be hard to explain to other family members, but stick to your guns. If there is an event, even a family dinner that you’re already dreading politely decline. The best part of being an adult is being self-determinant. There are few things that are mandatory — like paying taxes and making sure your kids eat — but there are fewer than you might think. This is supposed to be your season too, take back some control if you need to.
Tears in December: How I survived Christmas when someone was missing
Rearranging Christmas can take many forms. Find the one that’s right for you. It could mean having a quiet Christmas at your house this year. It might mean buying a new set of ornaments for the tree if you’re not up to opening up the memory-packed boxes from last year. It could mean going to a restaurant for Christmas dinner, skipping the whole thing and heading somewhere warm. It really is up to you.
If Christmas is looking unfamiliar this year, if the house is unnaturally quiet there are things you can do to enjoy the season, even if you find yourself alone. Try one of these ideas:
It can be tempting to skip the season altogether, to say “there will be no Christmas in this house this year”. I urge you not to do that. Christmas gets all glammed up, but at the heart of it all, it celebrates a very quiet moment. You can pass up on the extras of Christmas, but don’t miss the promise of the season.
Read more: It doesn’t look like Christmas
Christmas began with a little baby in a stable. It started with two parents who were tired from a long journey and caught off guard that the baby would choose this particular moment to be born. It wasn’t glamorous, and it wasn’t shiny but it did mark the moment that hope came to the world. (If you’re rusty on the details, you can read the Christmas story from the book of Luke.)
Whatever your circumstances this December, remember that what we’re celebrating here is hope. If you’re not able to wrap your arms around the noise of the season, then just wrap your fingers around that simple truth. Christmas is Christmas because Jesus came down. He came so that whatever we’ve done and whatever has been done to us can be redeemed. He came to pick up the pieces — or as it says in the Bible, he came “to make all things new” (Revelation 21:5). In Psalm 34 it says that he “is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” If that’s you this season, we’d love to help you get to know him. You can send us an email or read more about knowing Jesus.
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Andrea, I so agree that reaching out is a wonderful way to overcome loneliness. For years, I was too frightened to reach out to others, and I felt too poorly about myself to do so. It was only in allowing the Love of Jesus into my heart that I was able to overcome that fear and begin to truly see the world and people in a different way. I also was able to see myself as Jesus sees me, in a very positive light, the Light of His amazing grace.
Larry, I pray that you will seek the Lord in the midst of your pain, as I, too, once felt that no one cared. I have since discovered that a great many people care, and that discovery began with seeking the Lord. If you are suicidal, I agree with Claire that it is so vital to call the emergency contacts she provided. Your life is so valuable and worth living, Larry! I also encourage you to check out the following link to learn how you can begin a personal relationship with your Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, who loves you so very much and most definitely cares about your life:
http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/
May God bless you with a rich and full life complete and whole in Him, Larry.
Larry, Forgive me if I’m totally reading into things here, but when I read your comment and saw, “But I have come a long way and do not see many days ahead for me any more.” it worried me. Are you saying that you don’t plan to be around much longer? If you meant something else entirely, then please feel free to ignore this, but I can’t take the chance of thinking that you might be considering ending your life and just leave the comment unattended. If that is where your head is, you need to find some help. That is a dark and scary place to be and as someone who has been there also, I can tell you ending your life is not the answer. Loneliness is a horrible thing but I disagree with whoever it was that told you that in the real world no one cares. I don’t see that. I know I have definitely experienced times when it felt like that, but there are people in the world who care. There are people who care about men and there is definitely hope for you to find someone who cares about you personally.
If you really are thinking that there might not be much worth waiting around for, please call a suicide hotline – 1-800-784-2433 in the US, the hotlines go by province for Canada. Elsewhere in the world you can find a hotline through this site. Suicidal thoughts need to be taken seriously, because they are serious. It’s not progress to decide that life is not living, but things can and do get better when you get help.
To: Jamie-Thank you for putting into words that according to Francesca I didn’t word quite appropriately. As a Christian, I was raised to always put the less fortunate before myself. I have perfect strangers in my home for Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas dinners and celebrations. I have gone to nursing homes and fed seniors whose own families were too busy to spend time with them. And you know what? I would rather do that and walk through the rest of my life knowing that a small act of kindness helped someone else out rather than worry about whether my family is going to invite me or think about me for Christmas. Christmas comes on the same day every year. We have a whole year to plan on what will happen on that day. Make your own happiness-and please commit a random act of kindess-you will feel better for it. God bless you all and take care.
One of the things that I have found is that when you are feeling lonely it can turn around if you look for ways to reach out to other people. That could be inviting people to your home or going out and volunteering at a soup kitchen or food bank. When you are serving others it opens up your life to new relationships and blessings.
i wish to encourage everyone who felt left alone during Christmas. You know what? With God you are never alone. Everytime I am left alone I always say, ‘ thank God because I regard that time as my special moment with my Father. If you haven’t experienced that you haven’t know a thing. It’s soothing to have your quiet time, shard things with your Father in prayer. Talk to Him. He will never ridicule you instead He comes up with things you wouldn’t know. I wish you can try this once and experience something different in your life. If you believe in God and I believe we all do, then turn to Him for whatever challenge you face. He is love. He cares. He reaches out. He whispers good and positive things unto you. Acquaint yourself with the Word. Try it please. You will never regret. When anything negative said to you know it’s not said to you but to your Creator. Our Father says, in His Word “You are the apple of My Eye”. Check Psalm 105:15. He is always there for you Ref. 1Peter 5:7. Enjoy each and every moment in Him. Remember you are never alone.
Hi Francesca, I could not agree more the lack of compassion made me feel very sad,and Larry some people do care they are not with you in body but are in thought.
Andrea,
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind approach to lonely people around the holiday season.
I am unmarried. I have no one, no friends here and an uncaring family. I spent another xmas alone. I sent out xmas cards to people I know far away. But on this end nothing was received. No calls, no emails. Nothing. As with every year. Few know just how badly I feel inside, how much it hurts. But as I was told long ago by someone. She told me that in the real world, nobody cares. After many years of trying to convince myself otherwise I have to admit she was right. Nobody cares and nobody certainly cares about men. But I have come a long way and do not see many days ahead for me any more. I just look forward to the day when this hurt can end forever. I hate xmas and the holidays. Loneliness is a horrible thing but it is all that i have ever known.
Jeff, just read your email and I can honestly say that I know how you feel! I am alone with my children (3) after suffering a divorce here in the U.K. My parents are dead and I have no siblings so I feel very alone at this time of the year. I am very close to my children whom I adore, but still there is a feeling of loneliness, with no other adults present. I think that it is sad that Christmas has become a time when families “close their doors” to other people and have become so selfish. I found your comment about Jesus very uplifting. It is about Him. I was just thinking he was excluded too. Hopefully, the situation in which we have found ourselves will make us more aware of the needs of others and in turn better, more caring people.
Every blessing and good wish for 2012
Karen
What do you people do the rest of the year when you are alone and have little or no contact with family or friends? Anyone of you have any idea how many senior citizens are sitting in nursing homes all alone because their families are too busy to go see them or pick them up for a home visit? Give yourselves a shake and get over it. It’s one day a year that’s been over sensationalized to the nth degree. If Christmas is so important to you, have it in July, invite your family, friends, co-workers. Put a tree up, buy a gift for everyone and make a turkey dinner. You would be amazed how quickly it turns people who you thought were cold and uncaring into wonderful human beings.
My comment is in response to Samantha’s.
I too have no children, no siblings, no family, other than a husband. He is nice but, even so, holidays are played up to be “family” time so we feel quite alone. Our friends are busy with their own families and are not kind enough to invite us to join them. Seems to me it would not be much of a hardship for them to include us but no such kindness. Something to keep in mind when friends expect 100% in return. That’s not going to happen any more. Stay as healthy and strong as possible. You are as alone as you let yourself feel.
As I have read over some of the comments here, it seems pretty clear that America has forgotten how to raise a family that is engaged in caring – even for its own! We are eager to help the needy throughout the world yet, not our own relatives down the street. How sad! We are learning to act and react rether than interact and that meansmanyof us think a text is communication. It isn’t.
Get you heart engaged with God. Never be forsaken and always know that you are deeply loved.
The media paints a picture of life that is seldom achieved yet, perhaps the quiet kind folks who want to be no trouble need to find a voice and raise that voice kindly and assist loved ones to learn how to love us back. THAT would be a gift!
May God bless you and fill your heart with the spirit of Christmas! Cheers to all.
This is an unfamiliar situation for me. I like many of you am spending Christmas alone. The same thing happened on Thanksgiving. I’m recently divorced and my ex took my son out of town. I also have an older brother who is a serious relationship so he went to her parents. All my friends have their own families so I won’t bother them. This is the first time I’ve spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. Its heartbreaking and I’ve never felt more unloved than I do now. On the upside Christmas isn’t about gifts or a fancy meal spent with loved ones. Its about Jesus. I’m not old nor unattractive so I keep telling myself next year might be better but today I’m fairly depressed.
This is my first Christmas alone. I am 34, divorced with 4 kids. I used to live in San Francisco, but due to an extreme domestic violence situation, I moved to San Diego with my 4 kids. It has been extremly tough. We moved down here in march 2010, and life has been an uphill battle. Due to the domestic violence, we did not speak to or see my ex, their dad,until june of 2011. The kids seemed so happy to go see their dad last summer, and I lost my job Nov. 29 so I decided to send them up there for Christmas with their dad and his family. Well, they sprung it me two days ago that they would be sleeping over dad’s girlfriends house and opening gifts there with her and her daughter, of course, after they to to church like one big happy family. I had nightmares about my ex-and his girlfriend last night, that is how upset I am about it. Then, I waited for the kids to call me all morning, and got no call, so I called them, no body will answer the phone. Finally, their dad picked up and sounded so annoyed to be speaking to me, he just passed the phone to my oldest daughter, who, I think I must have upset her, because at this point I was crying asking her why she did not call mommy when she woke up. She explained they were running late for church and had not even opened any gifts yet, but I went off…I told her that I had been waiting to hear from them, and I had called all morning and nobody answered the phone and that if I was her age spending Christmas away from my mom, I would have called as soon I woke up to say Merrry Christmas. I am sitting here, crying my eyes out. Over my kids, my divorce, them spending Christmas with their Dad’s girlfriend….no job, 10 dollars to my name, my unemployment case got denied last week, I am suppossed to be driving from San Diego to San fran to pick the kids up next week, but I have no idea how I am going to make that happen, let alone rent…I am totally overwhelmed with life and emotion right now.
I am also alone on Christmas. It baffles me how selfish my so-called “friends” are. Everyone near me is incredibly selfish. That is why I turn to my dogs–they will never hurt me the way people do.
Well ‘the day’ is nearly over now and am watching tv so it seems more ‘normal’. I have 3 Daughters, one who lives less than a mile from me, one who lives 7 miles away and the 3rd lives 14 miles away!I also have 6 Grandchildren ages ranging from 20 down to 7 years old and a Great GrandDaughter. I have spent the day alone,none of them have rung me! My children used to speak to their Grandmother every Christmas morning, telling her excitedly what they had had for Christmas even though they were going to see her in an hour or so. One Daughter text me, calling me ‘Mom’ another sent me the same text that she sent everyone else and in the afternoon I received a text supposedly from the 3 youngest Grandchildren but obviously written by their Mom! Why? You may ask, have you fallen out? The answer would be, no. I don’t know…… I live on my own and I wouldn’t treat a dog like this! I haven’t replied to any of the texts so could be dead as far as they knew! I’m heartbroken! My middle Daughter has her father every Christmas yet she never asks me. (we get on extremely well!) she says he is lonely and has got no-one else!(He has 2 Daughters and 6 Grandchildren!!!!) My youngest Daughter is spending the day with her father which is understandable as I went to Wales last year with her and stayed with her in laws and 2 years before that i was at her house for Christmas Day. I have absolutely no idea what my Eldest Daughter will be doing as she never tells me and I will not ask her! The year before last when I realised that i was going to be on my own again for Christmas Day, I phoned her and asked if I could ‘pop over’ to see the children for half an hour at any time to suit them (a 30 mile round trip for 30 minutes visit, but worth it!). The words she said to me, I will remember for the rest of my life…..’we’re sorted for Christmas Day’. Not even ‘Oh we’re going to the in-laws and will be out all day’ or even ‘that would be lovely but we wanted it to just be us’! Nothing, just……’we’re sorted for Christmas Day’!!!! can you believe anything so cruel? I’m sure she doesn’t realise what she said, but it really hurt me, still does! And I still don’t know what she did on that day or any other Christmas Day come to that! She never tells me (or her Sisters!) and I wont ask!!! Dysfunctional family, you may ask? big family fall out? No, to any of these things, in fact we are all meeting at middle Daughters tomorrow (Boxing Day). Two eldest Daughters take it in turns to host a family tea at theirs. But no one (apart from youngest) ever thinks of me on Christmas Day. It hurts so much and people who say ‘it’s just one day’ have no idea what it feels like! Two Christmas’s ago I stayed in bed till 3 pm and only came downstairs because i was really hungry! i didn’t put any lights on and had tv turned right down because I didn’t want any of the neighbours to think I was ‘home alone’, I was totally ashamed. I have masses of presents here to give everyone but it will be so chaotic tomorrow no-one will know who has bought what!! Like a previous poster (Tony, I think) I to applied to volunteer at a local church but was told they had their ‘full compliment’ and was told ‘God Bless’! Now,if someone was offering to volunteer a few days before Christmas, surely that would mean they were going to be on their own?!!!! I thought these charitable Christmas events were supposed to be for the lonely!!
Im a 21 year old man spending Christmas alone for the first time. My boyfriend went to jail for the six months on December 20th. This winter I was laid off, kicked out of my home, shunned by my family, and forgotten by friends. I am finding it hard to find anything to be thankful for this season. I did make a few stockings for the neighbors who weren’t celebrating this year. As for myself I did nothing. I cried myself to sleep last night, and once I had fallen asleep a friend came over to visit me. He climbed in my bed and cuddled with me and so I asked him to leave because I live my boyfriend and didn’t want to do anything that would hurt him. Now I woke up all alone. I tried to stay asleep as long as I could but finally I couldn’t sleep anymore. I suppose I will go to a red box and rent a video game and play it all day waiting for this day to be over. I always looked forward to being on my own but now it just feels so lonely and hard. This is definitely the worst Christmas of my life. I hope it ends soon. But still, Merrt Cristmas to everyone. I hope you find yourself in better situation than I.
Above is not my full name, for I dont think many people would be able to pronounce it. I am 19 years old and last night for Christmas Eve my brother-in-laws parents invited us to their house since my parents are visiting parents back in Rome, Italy.
Well only my sister and her husband were there, and to eat was food long gone cold, terribly made. I then woke up this morning, and am currently watching TV. I never thought Christmas would become this, but I dont really know what to do.
Yes I’m single, been single for about 2 years, never been drunk, never done drugs, never had sex. and if I told you my presents this year (minus my parents gift and my brothers) it would be even more pathetic.
Christmas has gotten progressively worse, and I’m worried what next year will be. Can safely say I wish this Christmas never happened.
As a single man of 3 years now, I sit here on Christmas morning wondering why I am alone today. No family in the area, friends who are busy with their own families, a daughter who is still resentful of a divorce 3 years ago and refuses to associate with me, and it’s just me and my cats. I have profiles on 4 singles sites (one pay, 3 free), emails often unanswered, and I was hoping to have someone to spend some time with today. It didn’t work out the way I hoped obviously. I’ve met someone, but it is too soon to spend such an intimate holiday with her, her kids don’t even know about me yet…all I can hope for is that next year will be better. Interestingly, I’ve been turned away from volunteering because they already have too much help. Makes a guy feel pretty unwanted and useless. I’m not very religious, but is this what Jesus wanted? I hardly think so. I feel, depressed, angry, hurt, and lonely. On the upside, I have a good job and a nice warm, cozy apartment, I am very healthy and workout daily…I am thankful for these things. Spending Christmas alone though is a huge bummer!
This will be my second Christmas alone. I’m a middle-aged, single woman with no children and gosh it is hard. My parents are deceased and I have to estranged siblings that I must stay estranged from, they are too toxic and harmful to my life. So… what to do. I do have some friends, but no one really invites you in, they wish you well but almost avoid the issue because they want to spend the holiday with their family.
I’ve done the volunteering route on holidays, and yes, it’s wonderful. I volunteer all year round so honestly I prefer not to do it on a holiday. It’s very hard being alone. I’ll treat myself well, cook something nice, go to church and try to enjoy the day, but its very depressing.
Debbie:
Please do not imagine that you are alone, just because your folks are not able to appreciate how you feel. Pray for their growth and expanded understanding. Do you know that only 11% of the population is CAPABLE of introspection? Perhaps your family is in the other 89%? How blessed you are to have such a gift. Find folks who appreciate it and rejoice with them…suddenly your family will be feeling left out and perhaps then they will begin to grow!
Merry Christmas from someone who is glad you’re here,
I just read Debbie’s message and your reply.
Isn’t there a case for Debbie to contact her parents’ church and ask the pastor or somebody else to help her parents to see that their attitude is un-Christian and unhealthy for both their offspring – her brother is in danger of pride and arrogance and Debbie of feeling anger and bitterness as well as her awful feeling of rejection and lonliness.
I too have a brother who is the confirmed favourite, but guess who Mother lives with and depends upon? He is a clergyman but senior clergy have been wonderful in their gentle leading of him towards a more generous path. He genuinly didn’t realise that he was taking all the attention but none of the responsibility. His reason? Daughters are meant to to be the ones who look after their elderly parents. The bishop’s response? So what will happen to you and your wife since you have no daughters? The Christian community should all support each other and not expect to be loved and cared for without offering love and care in return. Wise old bishop!
Dear Debbie,
I am moved by your comment. So sorry that you are having to go through family issues such as this. I hope that you will be able to move beyond the grief that is currently within your heart. It is good that you opened up and shared your heartache and sorrow with us. I pray that if you feel led to seek more help that you would connect with one of our mentors. This time of the year is hard on a lot of people…those whom have no family and even those who do have family. Know that you are never alone when you have the LORD within your heart….God never leaves us nor forsakes us. Again, please feel free to connect with a mentor who can be by your side through this vulnerable time. God Bless you and protect you.
I am not just going to be alone for Christmas — I am going to be alone because my parents CHOSE my brother over me.
My brother is the youngest and has always been spoiled — he also has been consistently cruel to me for years despite my many efforts to forge a positive relationship with him. (It should be noted here that we are FIFTY and 45 years old, respectively!) To this day, my parents just let it slide, telling me over & over to “turn the other cheek”, and even “You’re older, you should know better.”
Just this last Thanksgiving, my parents (who live 800 miles away) traveled to the town where my brother and I both live. THey had the holiday meal at my brother’s house, and my brother specifically told me I was NOT welcome to join them. My parents claimed to be “disappointed” about that, but did nothing to change the situation. They did however, assure me I would be wanted and welcomed back at their home for Christmas. But the minute they found out my brother had purchased a plane ticket to also go to their home for Christmas, my parents informed me I should come to their home for New Year’s instead.
New Year’s is a secular holiday — to have my church-going family kick me in the teeth at CHRISTMAS is more hurtful than I can bear. I can’t stop crying and I wish I was dead, I really do. I think everyone would be happiest that way.
Don’t do anything. If your girlfriend really loves you, she will forgive you and get over it. If she cannot, then she never really loved you to begin with. You are doing the right thing by helping your friend out of her loneliness. Loneliness can be a disease and this might be the best gift you give this Christmas.
Christopher, It sounds like you have decided what you need to do you’re just looking for how to do it. Be honest with her and be honest as quickly as possible so she has a chance to make other arrangements. Phone her up and say, “I am so sorry to do this but my girlfriend is not comfortable with me inviting you for Christmas. I realize I should have talked to her about it first and I didn’t and now I’ve made a mess. I’m so sorry but I have to take the invitation back.” It will probably hurt, especially if she’s really been looking forward to coming, but she’s your friend, she’ll understand.
Your only other option is to talk to your girlfriend again and see if there is any way that she would reconsider. It is hard if you guys are in a bit of a vulnerable place. Would it be possible for your friend to come to just part of Christmas – i.e. be there for Christmas dinner but not for Christmas morning? Your girlfriend might feel less threatened if your friend was there for the less intimate parts of the day. Ie many families open gifts in their pyjamas, while dinner is more formal. It also might feel like less of an intrusion if your friend was only there for part of it.
Whatever you decide to do, do it quickly. The worst thing you could do would be to tell your friend the day before that she is no longer welcome for Christmas. It would be awesome if your girlfriend was willing to include your friend but if she isn’t and you want the relationship to work then you have to break the news to your friend. The sooner the better. Be honest, be quick and don’t forget to apologize.
I need your feedback on this. My long-time friend of 11 years is going to be spending Christmas alone. This will be her third time. For a couple years we lost touch and I wasn’t aware of this until recently. I invited her to my families house for the holidays. Problem is that my girlfriend of almost 3 years thinks this is bad timing and isn’t okay with this at all. Keep these things in mind. We are currently now long distance because she wasn’t happy in the new state where we moved away from. So it has put some stress on our relationship. But we have always trusted each other no matter what. Over the thanksgiving holiday my girlfriend “caught me so to speak” flirting with women online and I admit that it was wrong and I gave her a reason not to trust me. I am glad to say no matter how bad it looks I wasn’t cheating nor was I intending to cheat. But “talking/flirting” is a bad thing. I know that. So anyways, My friend who I am concerned about. I do not know what to tell her. Its hard to tell someone who has been your friend for so long that no I am sorry you cannot come with me to my families place like I invited her in the first place. Please help! I need your advice as to what to say to my friend!