Home Alone for the Holidays
Christmas, they tell us, is ‘the most wonderful time of the year’. What they don’t tell us is what we’re supposed to do when it isn’t. As the cards and carols like to remind us, Christmas is a time for families and togetherness, peace and well being for all. If only the problems in life paid more attention to the songs on the radio.
If you find yourself facing Christmas alone, December can be the longest month of all. If someone is missing from the celebrations this year, if a family member has been sick, or money worries are keeping you up at night it’s easy to want to echo the Grinch’s sentiment — “I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!” There are some years when Christmas is more than we can do. But more often, going into hibernation for a month isn’t a realistic plan. Christmas is coming, with or without our permission. So how do you face the season when it doesn’t look the way it used to?
If your circumstances have changes, remember that your plans and even your traditions can change too. This can be hard to explain to other family members, but stick to your guns. If there is an event, even a family dinner that you’re already dreading politely decline. The best part of being an adult is being self-determinant. There are few things that are mandatory — like paying taxes and making sure your kids eat — but there are fewer than you might think. This is supposed to be your season too, take back some control if you need to.
Tears in December: How I survived Christmas when someone was missing
Rearranging Christmas can take many forms. Find the one that’s right for you. It could mean having a quiet Christmas at your house this year. It might mean buying a new set of ornaments for the tree if you’re not up to opening up the memory-packed boxes from last year. It could mean going to a restaurant for Christmas dinner, skipping the whole thing and heading somewhere warm. It really is up to you.
If Christmas is looking unfamiliar this year, if the house is unnaturally quiet there are things you can do to enjoy the season, even if you find yourself alone. Try one of these ideas:
- Decorate the house. Even if you’re the only one who’s going to see it, take the time to decorate your home. You don’t have to put everything up, or drag all the boxes out of the basement. It doesn’t have to look just last like year. Put up a Christmas tree or hang some lights. Bring some Christmas into your line of sight, even if it’s just something small. One of the hardest things about spending Christmas alone is the feeling that everyone else is having a great time and you’ve been excluded. Make sure you’re not excluding yourself.
- Plan something special. There’s nothing worse than hearing everyone else’s excitement over the upcoming holidays and having nothing to look forward to yourself. Plan a treat for yourself, something really special. It doesn’t have to be Christmas-y at all, just make sure you’ve got something to look forward to. Not only will it add to your holiday, but it’ll give you a great answer to that dreaded question “so what are you doing for Christmas?”
- Be around other people. Sitting around the house by yourself on Christmas Day is incredibly hard. Find people to be with. If you have friends that are alone this Christmas, host a dinner at your house. If you’d like to help out somewhere there are always soup kitchens and charities that need people on Christmas Day. Whatever you decide to do make sure you have someone to say “Merry Christmas” to.
- Give yourself some quiet time. Sometimes the reason we’re alone at Christmas is a sad one. If this is you this season, give yourself the time and the permission to feel sad. Scale back on your activities. If there are some traditions you cannot face this year, remember that you can politely excuse yourself. Christmas has a way of turning the world into fantasy where everyone is supposed to be happy and everything is wonderful. Resist the urge to fake a smile all through the month of December.
It can be tempting to skip the season altogether, to say “there will be no Christmas in this house this year”. I urge you not to do that. Christmas gets all glammed up, but at the heart of it all, it celebrates a very quiet moment. You can pass up on the extras of Christmas, but don’t miss the promise of the season.
Read more: It doesn’t look like Christmas
Christmas began with a little baby in a stable. It started with two parents who were tired from a long journey and caught off guard that the baby would choose this particular moment to be born. It wasn’t glamorous, and it wasn’t shiny but it did mark the moment that hope came to the world. (If you’re rusty on the details, you can read the Christmas story from the book of Luke.)
Whatever your circumstances this December, remember that what we’re celebrating here is hope. If you’re not able to wrap your arms around the noise of the season, then just wrap your fingers around that simple truth. Christmas is Christmas because Jesus came down. He came so that whatever we’ve done and whatever has been done to us can be redeemed. He came to pick up the pieces — or as it says in the Bible, he came “to make all things new” (Revelation 21:5). In Psalm 34 it says that he “is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” If that’s you this season, we’d love to help you get to know him. You can send us an email or read more about knowing Jesus.
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dear kdp– aww christmas is tough for lots of people i am praying for you. God i pray for avery good christmas and she will relaize that she had a good time, send people along her path and to invite her to a christmas day dinner and to befriend her HUGs i feel for you. love sharon
This Christmas, due to one daughters rebellion and the other daughters choices, my wife and I will spend Christmas alone together. In the past, we (all) have had many traditions…….but since it’s just the two of us, we’ll do some (cookies/look at lights) and drop some. We decorated the house in a different fashion than we have always done. We are also facing the fact that this year is different….sad, yes, but we’ll get through together. We spent more than usual on each other as well. My wife cried to day at these prospects but we rallied together and we’ll be ok. Might even be fun in its own way.
This Christmas will be the first Christmas I will be spending alone. I am divorced and this is the first year my children will split Christmas between myself and their Dad – which is best and a great thing for them. I do get to spend Christmas morning with them, but then they will be going to their Dad’s house. All of my family is 1400km away and I am new to my city and only have a few friends. I am the only person I know who is single. I haven’t told anybody that I will be alone – nobody has actually asked and I haven’t volunteered it. My family would worry and I do not want to spoil their day by worrying about me and the couple of friends I have are wonderful, but have plans of their own and I would never want them to feel obligated to invite me. So it will be me and the dog hanging out. I have decorated my house and tried to make it a really fun Christmas for my kids. For me though, I just want to get the holidays over with as soon as possible. Of-course, I’m always hopeful that Christmas will be different next year and I will once again love it like I used to once upon a time. This year my favorite day will be Dec 26 because then it will all be over and next Christmas is as far away as possible.
My folks are in another country as well and many friends will be out of town. Christmas and New Year’s can definitely be a bummer time, but it doesn’t have to be as bad as bad gets.
Anyway, is anyone here in Kingston, Ontario? Cafe Church is having a Christmas Potluck on Dec 24 for everyone who’s in town with nowhere to go. Come join us, we’ love to have you.
Although I come from a large family, my parents have passed & since so many of my siblings now have families of their own…we now celebrate holidays on the weekend after that holiday. This is to allow those w/ families to enjoy their day w/o having to run to 2-3 different houses (ie in-laws). This leaves me alone on the actual holiday. One sister is constantly trying to convince me to come over; but it feels like my being alone bothers her so much more than me…and that gets annoying-like society is saying that there is something ‘wrong’ with me because I’m still single?!? I will stop by her place after their celebrations are over to visit; but other than that…I plan my own day out ahead of time. I don’t want to be invited somewhere out of pity.
I already know that this year I will be doing the following on Christmas Day: a nice, long, warm bath to pamper myself, going for a walk on my favorite trail, cooking Bison steaks for the first time/making a nice meal w/ a little wine, watching some of my favorite movies, my home is already decorated for Christmas, lighting some candles & building a fire, reading a good book…taking a nap :) This might all seem lame to some; but for me…it’s actually probably better than how some will be spending their holiday (family fights/in-laws, running non stop all day, start cooking at 6am for guest, etc). The hardest part for me is when people ask “What did you get for Christmas?”…usually it’s not a lot! LOL But I do enjoy my new dutch oven & boots that I got myself this yr. And yes, I’m already using both :o
The point is that it’s not about the fact that you are alone during Christmas…it’s about finding your own way to ENJOY it!!!
Cari,
I can see how difficult it is for you to be apart from your family right now. Christmas is certainly going to be a hard time for you but I hope you’re still able to find some joy this season. I know it’s not at all the same as being with your family, but are you able to call home or Skype? Maybe there’s a way your family could include you in their Christmas dinner table even though you aren’t home. I know what it’s like to be so far away from your family. If you feel it was the right choice to take this job, keep reminding yourself of that. I hope your family is able to be understanding even though it’s difficult.
I’d also like to pray for you.
Lord God, I pray for Cari as she is alone throughout the Christmas season. I pray that you would guide her through this sad time. May you be a comfort to her and may she feel loved. Even though in this country she’s not able to celebrate Christmas, I pray that you would give her wisdom through this situation and help her to keep in contact with her family. I pray that you would calm Cari’s heart and speak throughout Christmas. Amen.
If you need someone to talk to, I invite you to sign up for a mentor. Our mentors are available to talk with you through whatever you’re feeling this season.
hi have just found this site whilst searching for others alone this christmas i feel so sad for the same reasons as most people i have only recently had to move with work and expected to be moving after xmas – the main problem is that the country which i am in not only does not celebrate christmas it is actually against the law to support the religion in public. it is the first time i have ever been apart from my children and have been mae to feel guilty by some friends and family but as i am the only one supporting them i have to work and turning down a job was not an option i have been here 3 weeks but each day it draws closer to christmas i feel sadder. i will be working on christmas day but i just feel like booking a flight and going home
My parents treated Christmas like it was some sort of punishment to deal with and get through. I’m 54 and have tried for my own children’s sake to enjoy Christmas. To make it special for them. Now they’re grownup and spend Christmas with their friends or significant others. I’m perfectly ok with this, although my friends feel the need to drag me into their family get togethers where someone is always getting drunk or fighting over stupid family crap. I personally just like to go to church Christmas Eve and spend the next day doing whatever I want. I feel sorry for people who are alone at this time of year and don’t want to be-there are lots of places to go for social connection, community events, church, go skiing or skating.
May be having Christmas alone this year for the first time, and to be honest was dreading it – UNTIL – I went to an Advent service in Church last night, and remembered the real reason for Christmas – Jesus being born!
I’ve lived alone for over 20 years, so am used to it, and most of the time am fine with my own company – it’s just the pitying comments from people at Christmas that I find difficult!
Anyway, I know God will give me the strength to cope whatever happens, but thanks so much for the practical advice given here.
All,
I have never done well over the holidays. My life is seemingly perfect from the outside looking in, but I stuggle on the inside with the rush of december 1-25. So much to do, so much to buy, so much to say…why does it have to be this way. I guess it is for the kids, but now that they have moved away and have their own traditions it far less fulfilling. I have found that writting is a great outlet for me and reading as well. For those of you who are suffering and alone and wanting to capture your stuggles privately online, I have found great support at treatmentdiaries.com. It’s a welcoming bunch. I plan to share the link to this book with the TD group. Blessing to all of you….we can get through this together!
Thanks for the advice…I’ve pretty much successfully made it through a holiday alone and after all it wasn’t that bad. You’re right- it’s only one day. My mom called me from home and they passed the phone around to my extended family who made me laugh and, yea, made me miss them more, but one of the girls who works for me reminded me to be thankful and not so sad, because after all, I do have family who loves me, I have all my limbs, and I have a job. There are people out there who are not only alone for the holidays, but they are sleeping on the street. I think for Christmas I might volunteer somewhere. I think it will still suck no matter what, but I just need to think positive and remain thankful for everything I DO have. So, thank you for your kind words I really do appreciate them and hope you realize that you made someone out there feel better:) and I hope you had a lovely holiday!!
Listen to the song “Christmas For One” in the “It’s Time For Christmas” album recently released on Startunes Records, ITunes and Amazon.com
K,
I have had Christmas all alone, once, and it was not my favourite Christmas, but there are definitely ways to make it better. I was in a similar position to you – there was no way I could get home that year and my closest relative was halfway across the country. I let my friends back home know what was going on and one of them called me first thing Christmas morning. It was a really lovely way to start the day and great to know that I had not been forgotten. My parents mailed my gifts to me and Christmas morning I called them, put it on speaker and we opened gifts over the phone. It wasn’t the same, but it helped. I planned a really great dinner for myself Christmas Eve and all my favourites for breakfast Christmas morning. An old family friend invited me to come share their Christmas dinner so that gave me something to look forward to.
The thing is this: it’s hard, but it’s only one day. If you need to cry I say go for it. Have a good cry, there’s no shame in that. It is hard when it’s a holiday that is so focussed on togetherness and you’re not together. It’s hard when you’re missing out on the things that make it feel like Christmas. One other thing I did was to incorporate both old and new traditions into my holiday. We always made Christmas cookies, so I did that anyway. I decorated my apartment so that it felt a bit like Christmas. I started a new tradition. And I went to where the people are. There are people at Starbucks on Christmas day – $4 will buy you a delicious drink and some merry company. There are people renting movies. There are people at the movies. Talk a walk in a park, go to a church service. Find people because I can promise you this, Christmas totally and completely alone really stinks, but you have more control over your aloneness than you think.
The important thing is to come to terms with the fact that it’s not going to be a usual Christmas, grieve that, and then you can start thinking about what you will craft this unknown and unfamiliar Christmas into. There are other people like you, see if you can find them. Is there anyone else at your company who is new to the city? Perhaps they would like to get together. You have about a month before the day hits so it’s time to be proactive. Make a list of what makes it feel like Christmas and start thinking about how many of those things you CAN include this year. Get creative, make a game of it. Ask your family to help. When my niece was in Thailand for Christmas last year we sent her an Advent calendar full of notes from the whole family so she would know we were thinking of her, and on Christmas morning we had a video chat over Skype. It was wonderful to see her, and afterwards I went into the bathroom and cried because I missed her so badly. It’s probably going to be a both/and Christmas. Joy and sadness mixed together. How much of each is largely up to you, and that is a very good thing.
I just moved to a new city two months ago and because of the nature of my job, i can’t go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. My roomate (who is my only friend here) is going home for the holidays. I’m not a socially awkward person..I come from a big family, and have lots of friends and I usually don’t have a hard time meeting people- it’s just that I am so new here and have been working so much I haven’t gotten a chance to meet people. Thinking of being alone, and knowing everyone I love is going to be with each other on these two days just makes me so sad. I’m not going to lie, it makes me fell like I’m going to cry. I’m human. I just was wondering if anyone else out there has ever been in the same situation? What did you do to enjoy the holiday and keep yourself from being sad?
One the things that I find helpful for me is even though I have been alone and not married for a long time. What if find helpful it to help others who are in need during this time as if you are alone plan a Christmas eve party or Christmas day with others who have no place to go. One of the most important lessons that our family learned is to reach out to others as Christmas is not about what we get but what can we give to others. By giving we feel good as it we just expect others to give to us then often they don’t. I always remind myself the Christmas is about Christ coming to earth and not how many presents we get or have. If you have no place to go sometimes if we offer to help others server others who have no one then we feel much better. God Bless
I have been alone for Xmas now for about 4 years. I keep busy through it as best I can, but with every year it gets more difficult. But on every Xmas Eve, I attend mass and there is this great choir with accompaniement, and this always makes me feel better. We tend to get carried away I find with Xmas I find. It’s gotten to be so much about commercialism and we’re brainwashed somewhat by commercial on TV and the like. Life isn’t always that pretty. I’m not a church person by any stretch, but being in that big building that time of the year just seems to make it all ok for me.
Dear John
It sounds like you are really hurting. I hear how lonely you. May I recommended a mentor, we offer free and confidential mentoring. This mentor will walk with you through the hard times. Here is the link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Sincerely,
Leah
I can relate to just about all the posts.
My Family is dead…….no true friends.
This is not what I recommend however This is what I do: I get drunk.
You want the truth?
There I said it, How many people can`t admit it but do it ?
Just remember it`s not a solution and just how lousy are you gonna feel the day after Christmas?
Lousier than you would if you were sober.
I know all too well and am a Member of AA
I am sorry to hear so many people are suffering. I found this article to be helpful. I believe hopes comes through awareness and push for everyone to be more social responsible. If everyone made an effort facilitate introductions on behalf of friends and family…this would help. How we can we encourage this practice on a regular frequency?
http://blog.relationalcenter.org/2010/10/08/isolation/
The one that claims to be the woman I am engaged to blew me off for the whole weekend including Sunday. I say claims to be, because you just shouldnt treat people like that in general, even more so someone you claim to love. She treats me very well when it comes to providing for me (I am pending disability) and money, but in the things that are importiant, she just isnt there. As much as I enjoy the life she gives me, I cant have a relationship based on money or material things. After this holiday, I need to really consider moving on unless things get better real fast.
As for my xmas. I thank God for my friends and my daughter. Friday night a couple I know kind of pushed me to come over for a few hours because they didnt want me alone for xmas eve. Then today another friend of mine refused to let me spend xmas day alone and his whole family (all of who know me) insisted that I have xmas dinner with them. The whole family today and the couple last night all were saying how family is not to be alone for the holidays and how I am family so I belong there with them.
My daughter called me a few times both yesterday and today. She doesnt say I love you or call me dad as much as I like, but when I need she always is there as much as she can be and through being there shows that she loves me and cares for me as her father. This weekend she was as supportive as she could be form 1200 miles away.
It is always nice knowing that as much as I have to be there for her as a parent, when I need her she is there for me as a daughter. The father/daughter love and caring goes both ways and unconditionally. I guess that is a big part of why we did the adoption and made it legal after 17 years.
It was good to be made to feel a part by my friends and my daughter, expecially sense I was feeling so lonely and alone. I don’t know how the holiday would have turned out without them.
It was a very upsetting holiday, but some good came out of it. I got to see who cared and was there when push came to shove.
Now that I made it through the holiday, I will be looking into the mentors in the begining of the week.
trainwreck, I’ve forwarded your comment to one of our experienced mentors, they will reply to you by email soon (although it may take slightly longer due to the volume of requests we get at this time of year). If you’d like to speak with them, please reply, if not, you can ignore it … I hope you will find your conversation with them helpful though. I’m concerned because it sounds like you may be thinking about suicide, there is help available here Free Phone Numbers & Resources … I struggled with suicidal thoughts myself for quite some time, not trying to compare my experiences with yours of course, but I recognize how bleak it can look especially this time of year. Please consider talking with the mentor who will email you, if you don’t hear back from them in the next few days please reply here and we’ll see what’s happened.
Well chiristmas is here and I may as well not be. No phone calls, no texts, no e-mails, no cards or letters to speak of, no knocks on the door. It truly is as if I didn’t exsist. I went out for a short time today and realized just how much I’m hurting, and I’m done with it. All the families with all thier own problems still together through it all. The groups of friends enjoying each other. These are basic needs of the human heart and mind, of which I have none, am I inhuman? I feel as though I am one of those horible mistakes that contributes to global warming by my simply being alive. It’s time the hurt stops. As my three yrs of prayers have not even been acknowledged, its time to appeal to god in person. This will be my final holiday season.
Things can always be worse. It helps to remember what Christmas means – peace, the birth of Christ, gratitude for all that we have, and doing something beyond ourselves to help someone less fortunate. It isn’t easy, but Christmas is still a beautiful event.
Alone 60 w no family and friend Christmas day is so hard…my grown children life across the country..my boyfriend..went away for a month..choice his grown son over me. it very sad time for me..hurts deep inside to think my family would leave me alone..
well another christmas alone i have family but they don’t care about each other as my brother puts it everyone has their ownlife how dumb is that not really caring about the other one. i have grandchildren but right now i am at war with both mothers of my sons children especially my grandsons mom she is a disgutsing person onmany levels i have tried i don’t even get to see my grand kids it is just crazy my son is incarcerated hopefully he will be home soon, so that is just crazy i don’t have real friends no matter how hard i try i consider myself to be a n ice person but friends was never something i have a lot of i did get an invivation for today but the person who invited me i am really not into but at the endof the day not to be alone on christmnas day when everything is closed and b us are not running up this side of town i may just go or go to the church and have dinner. the new years is coming and i know i need to make a change god help me to be able to do that.
glob, I was sorry to read about your situation this Christmas. Although you’ve said you’ve had bad experiences with talking to people over the Internet, but you’re welcome to visit our online chat room, or if you’d prefer to talk with someone privately, you can email a mentor here. It may take a little longer to receive a reply right now due to the number of requests we receive at this time of year but someone should reply as soon as they can.
Also, it may seem like a strange suggestion, but (depending where you live?) there are probably several churches in your area that are gathering to celebrate Christmas tonight. If it’s not too late you could join one of them. If you’re worried about being singled out, you could find a large church where you could “blend in”. It may help to join in a community like that, even for one night.
I’m 22,I have no friends and I mean NO friends at all,I have a girlfriend but frankly doesn’t even care about me,me rarely see each other.The hollydays are torture.Seeing everyone else ‘in the mood’ and happy spendingtime together and me stuck in a tiny room with nothing but a computer to distract myself from the misery of being me.I had friends.I treied talking on the internet but somehow everyone shuts me out.I wish I could go out,but I have no one to do it with.I just go out at night and wander the streets.I tried killing miyself but that didn’t work and I don’t really want to die.I just want to change,but I don’t know how.I’m also a virgin obviously.I hope somethings gonna happen next year.This Christmas howewerIfit’s just me and me.So if you think your life is miserable come into mine.I guarantee you WILL either go mad or kill yourself.
My choice is to have a quiet December, I make breakfast for my children. My children go off to there fathers and then I enjoy time alone. It seems every Christmas I get over whelmed; there I spend it quietly at home, ready a book, making a special meal for me, something I enjoy. Another reason I spend time alone…my parents have both passed away. My brother and I get together Christmas eve, however this year I may not spend time with him. This year I feel I need to spend time Christmas Eve Service…I am fine with my choices at Christmas.
Hope, peace, joy, and love to all.
Merry Christmas
The day after tomorrow will be here eventually and I can’t help but wonder even though I have a couple invitations if being alone for christmas is really all that bad?
After a lot of thought I wonder if Christmas magic is only for kids and obssesed housewives. This year I trimmed the shortest christmas tree we had (90 cm instead of the 2.5&3 meters) due to depression mostly but everytme I see it it’s ok with me. I still wait for my perfect christmas to come but I believe it may not come by the perfect decorated house, future family or a companion. This year it’s special because of the baking as it takes my mind out of everything (quite pathetic for a 23 year old).
What bothers me is my distant best friend and the economy of my country as it may lead in a really bad christmas day next year. WIll there be money? WIll the counrty be whole? Will I finish Uni and be able to afford a master abroad?
I’d like to wish you a merry Christmas and please cheer up. Bad days will come for that I’m certain but do we have to spoil the good ones during the rest 364 just because of one night that is meant to give as hope and practice unconditional love without even acting?
Dear all:
I’m 45, my parents died more than ten years ago, and for the past 02 years, my son has been spending this time of the year with his dad and family. I had all the best Christmas ever, during my son’s childhood (now he is 12)when he still believed in Santa. This year, eventhough I have two great invitations, I decided, for the first time, to spend by myself. And, as I’ve been reading around, it is not easy to take this decision, but I’m alone, not lonely. I’ll fell worst, realy lonely, if I go, and feel like the “included”, It may sound ridiculous, but I want Christmas my way, my Christmas songs, lovely movies. My house is all set, candlelilghts, delicious food and even champagne. Sure I’d like to be married again, kids around, and that it won’t be easy to hear from the other homes the party going on. But when again I think, that I have a lovely home, Me, son and close friends healthy, a pay check to pay for the bills, I also agree it is a state of mind. I’ll go to mass, dress up nicely, watching my favorite movies. I’ve been working during this year on the idea that hapiness is on what I have, is inside me. Nowadays, eveybody looks hapiness on the exterior work. And I have it all. I’d just like to be in the US or any European country, where there is volunteering work to do at this day (by the way, I’m writing from Brazil). I wish you all, a safe, calm daym, cozy day with yourserlf if you are spending Christmas alone (not lonely).
I am away from my husband for the first time sice I was 16 years old. I am now in my 40′s. My daughter decided to get pregnant. She told us a few days after she graduated college. The dad is 3 years younger than her has no car and thinks that life is a party. We have a tradition since moving away from family to visit them once a year at Christmas. My husband and two boys continued with the tradition but….I felt obligated to stay back because my daughter is showing signs of delivering soon. I am really upset I do not get to see my family this year. I am almost resentful of my daughter making this happen for me. I do not know how to handle the situation because she is fine with it!
Hi A Wall,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am really happy that you are going to get a mentor, I know for certain its going to help you. Can I pray for you? I will keep you in my prayers this Christmas.
Dear Lord,
Please be with A Wall this Christmas, please don’t let his heart fall into a trap of depression, fill him with your peace and I pray that you would fill A Wall with good thoughts and joy. I pray that he would get a call from his daughter and grandson everyday. Thank you Lord for the blessing of his daughter and grandson.
In Your Holy Name,
Amen
At 20 yrs old, I went down south for 4 years, but always came home for x-mas. I fully agree that alone is a state of mind, but I also it is a state of mind that I am in right now.
I know the suicide rate is higher this time of year then any other, but I am not concerned that I will fall into that kind of depression. That is why I am reaching out now, before it gets to a point where I wont reach.
I did community service for a few years and found many resources for others, but I am finding that when it is me and not someone else that I am working with, it is not that easy. I am getting to see now how others fall into this slump and how hard it is to get out of.
I called red cross and with the red tape they put you through to help out, it just is a little too late to get involved for this holiday. I will find something for the holiday and I will also follow up with the mentors through this group.
As I said previously, I lived down south (2000 miles from my family) and now my daughter lives 1200 miles from me. I can find relief in not being with family due to something logical like distance and/or expence. What I am having a hard time with this holiday is my family (sister, nephews, parents, etc) are all within minutes and the family tention would make it worse to be there then not to be, and the girl I am engaged to is about 40 minutes away, we spent the last few xmas’ together and now have to spend it apart (even though were close in distance) due to her 17 year old daughter being a spoiled brat and wanting her own way.
That’s where I am having trouble. The people I should be with are right here and they are allowing so much chaos in their lives that I cant be around.
Next year I will go spend the holiday with my daughter and grandson, but I have to get through this holiday first.
I’ve read some of your stories and I sense such a deep sense of hopelessness you feel. Let me tell you my story. I moved to the west coast when I was in my 20′s, not for a man, but just felt it was the right thing to do. I didn’t know a soul and I have to say when Christmas came it was very different. I was living in a hotel-type place where you shared kitchen & bathroom but I had my own tiny room and bought food and had my own little party. At Christmas it was a ghost town as everyone went away. No one was there to steal my food. It felt strange but gradually over the years I got used to it as I didn’t usually go home for Christmas but now I have my own apt. I used to have terrible pity parties during December. A few of my friends moved here since but I always felt it was a time for family, I did sometimes accept invites but it never felt right. I felt like a fish out of water. For all of you who say go look for people to be with, I say aloneness is a state of mind. I felt more alone last year when I accepted an invite to my sister’s who since moved here but I’m not close to her. She only invited me cause my step mom kept bugging her. I miss my alone days at Christmas – it is my tradition and I absolutely love it! Now with all the broken families, the world says this is a time where life is perfect but that’s not reality. More suicides happen at this time than any other – how tragic. If people will just wisen up and see that it’s all a big hype. Don’t allow the spirit of the world to groom you into thinking you have to be with family/friends etc. At 49 and still single of course I still dream of that perfect Christmas proposal jargin but I still choose to have a cup half full not half empty. I choose to be thankful, content, I’m not afraid to be alone. It’s one of the greatest things you can accomplish – to learn to love your own company and to truly from the bottom of your heart say “I”m ok too”. I know my friend is kinda mad, I said this year I’m going back to my tradition which I miss. The power to be alone and look forward to it. Then again I also met Jesus on boxing day a long time ago so that might have alot to do with my contentness, I’m not alone for sure. I told my friend don’t call me I won’t answer, It’s my time – I don’t need anyone to try and fix me. For many families there are so many more fights at Christmas over who is going to get the kids on Christmas eve and all the plans don’t coincide. Trying to make everyone happy and it’s just a plain drag quite often but you do it for the kids. Give yourself permission to be happy or even sad. Quit saying “Merry Christmas to everyone except me” as some of you posted on here. Don’t reduce yourself to your circumstances. Happiness is based on happenings but joy comes from the heart and nothing can take that from you if you embrace it. “Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it”. Practice gratitude, compare yourself to someone living in Haiti and you’ll come out of your slump. Practice self-pity and you will attract more reasons to dread your future. It’s your choice – to be a victim or a victor!
D, I am really sorry to hear this. It is never fun when you are not able to celebrate at Christmas time with those you love. We have mentors who are trained to listen confidentially. If you are interested in talking with someone about your pain and loneliness, please join our free mentoring program today.
trainwreck, I am terribly sorry to hear about the misfortunes you have encountered in life. There is nothing that can be said to make you feel better but we at Power to Change believe God can help us in our situations and that he does care for us, even if it looks extremely bleak. We do offer private and free mentors who would like to talk with you if you would desire. If you are interested in talking with someone further, please feel free to contact a mentor today.
Hey A Wall,
I did some research and found the Salvation Army website for New York, they might be a great place to help out. I know when I am lonely and sad if I give back and help someone less fortunate it always changes my attitude. Here is the website http://www.use.salvationarmy.org/gnyd, Let me know how it goes.
Leah
Hey A Wall,
Sure here is the link to mentoring, if you would like to request a mentor just fill out the form and you will be connected with someone. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/. Just reply back if you have anymore questions or concerns.
I would like to add, as I said in my first post, I just adopted my 21 yr old daughter (last month). After 17 years of being like a dad, I am officially both a dad and a grandpa. I am finding that to be my only strength and motivation to get through these holidays. But at 1200 miles away, I need to find something local to do constructively to make the holidays a little more then non-exsistant.
As I said, I am not going to hit the bar because I do have to think of my daughter and grandson first, even though at times it is very tempting. I am in the NY area. If you know of any more constructive outlets, I am very open to ideas. I am at a loss of both ideas and motivation right now.
You mentioned mentoring, how would I go about getting more info on that?
Wow, A Wall
It sounds like things are really tough for you right now. My heart is breaking for you this Christmas. If you would like someone to talk too, we offer free and confidential mentoring. Might be a better place to go then the bar. Let me know if you would like me to get you connected.
Sincerely,
Leah
I have been seeing someone for about 3 years now (we been engaged for over a year). I have been attending family functions with her and her family all this time. Last year we did xmas with her kids together. Her 17 yr old daughter and I have never gotten along and this year I have been told that I am not to be at any of the family gathaerings (including dinner on xmas day and presants xmas morn), I can no longer be in her home when her daughter is there (note that the mother has always been home if the daughter and I were in the house in the past), therefore my time at girlfriends house is now almost non exsistant. I am not even allowed to go the dinner for my girlfriends birthday (dinner is on 12/26) with my girlfriend, her father and the kids because the daughter will be there. I kind of feel like my girlfriend let her daughter kick me out of the picture just in time for the holidays. Though she says we can have a relationship outside of the house and outside of her family.
Adding to that, my family is having a dinner and I am not in the spirts to attend, watch them be with their loved ones while I am being told to be alone by mine.
My daughter (she is 21, but we just did an adoption to make us officially family) and grandson is 1200 miles away and I will not get to be with them for xmas due to the distance and cost.
So, I really don’t see much to look forward to for this christmas or any holidays to follow.
If anyone can see where I should have any hope in finding any joy in this christmas, please let me know. Right now hitting a bar and forgetting the holidays is starting to sound real good, but I am not doing that because I have to think of my daughter and grandson.
Signed,
Need help/advise
after 21 years of marriage, my wife, excuse me x-wife decided to replace me without warning on dec. 1st. my home was forclosed on dec.6. my job closed its doors dec.10. i got arrested for drowning my sorrows dec.20. and the only thing left in my life, my dog stabbed his eye in a bush dec. 23 and is now blind and disfigured because of the cost of surgery. this was all consecutive during the same dec. this was 3 years ago and have not smiled for any reason since. i do not go out, haven’t since she left not once, i have no friends, literaly, i sit here alone with my blind dog and broken soul for christmas yet again. of all the things stolen from me, the love, the family, the freinds, the life, my drive, selfworth, self respect, my smile, etc. nothing has been more disolving than the loss off my will. and i fear that i will never ever have it again. every day that goes by is harder than the last, so every day is the worse day of my life. its understandable that i wake up disappointed every morning, sad part is that its not because of my history, its because i woke up. sorry for the public ventalation, every now and then i have to pop off some steam or i wouldn’t be here today. merry christmas to everyone except me!!!!
The love of my life has kicked me out. I have no food, no job, no money. I have no family within 1000 km. Merry Christmas to me.
Having spend 2 new years eves alone as fat and suspecting that this will be the 3d as well as the third christmas because my mother always is asleep by then and the rest of the family is 250 miles away I would say that for at least one of them I have my gulty free night on sweets and laziness. I’m choosing a movie (The Grinch, The Holiday etc) and cuddle my pillow while I open my fav candy etc… I don’t know if I will be able this year due to a third molar remove next friday but ice cream sound good as well. :P
I think more and more people are ending up alone or at least feeling like they are. Dealing with isolation is something I would like to see more people openly talk about. For the holiday,I am driving from CA to MI..stopping off in cities that made US Today best community list. I will be sharing videos of what I learn on my blog. I would love to interact with others and hear their experiences. I shared my isolation story on my blog this week. socialbling.org
Andy, your email address is hidden because (as per our Terms of Service) we don’t allow commenters to post their personal information here. But if you or anyone else needs someone to talk to, the Power to Change chat room is almost always open, or to speak with someone privately via email contact us here!
I’m divorced and 58,I normally spend Christmas Day together with my two children,my parents and brothers. Sadly,both my parents have passed away,my children will be with their mother this year,and my brother,aged 52, and I will be on our own on Christmas Day for the first time in many years….not a happy situation.
As we respect that Christmas is family time,and we therefore do not wish to impose on any of our friends,maybe others who are in the same situation and reading this would like to spend Christmas Day doing lunch,meet for drinks,do something sociable with us,instead of feeling alone and sorry for ourselves. If you have nothing else planned then why do’nt you contact me at the above email address.Let’s do it!
I’m single and almost 50, normally I drive 3 hours to my brother’s place. It’s tradition, but not very enjoyable. This year I’m thinking about staying home and finding friends to spend the day with. It could be the start of a refreshing new tradition.
Family is crucial. If you don’t any, try to create a family of your friends. There are so many ways to reach out & connect. Creating Extended Families