Scared to Have People Over?

Written by K Schenk

I discovered the true meaning of hospitality–that it’s an attitude of the heart–with help from my mom and a pot of spaghetti.

When our family moved away from relatives, my mom, longing to have people in our house, began to make friends and also to entertain, despite having six children under 8. Those first days of inviting guests must have been daunting for her. How to keep order!

I remember how, initially, she wanted things to be perfect. Although over time entertaining became a little easier, she felt she was performing each time she had guests and it seemed hard to be natural. These feelings continued for her until my best friend in Grade 10 invited my parents and me over for dinner.

Jane’s parents were students and they lived in a basement suite. They greeted us warmly at the door and invited us to the table where a large pot of spaghetti and two pop bottles were set out before us. The food tasted great and we had a wonderful time!

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We left Jane’s house with a very clear message: the important thing about hospitality is to be yourself, to have your own personal style. Just as Jane’s mother’s style was not my mother’s, neither was formal dining. Her style is somewhere in between. She plans a wonderful meal and serves it in a casually elegant style where laughter and fellowship become the focus around the table. Today, hundreds of people go through her and dad’s home every year.

Hospitality is a sense of our presence

Hospitality is much more than entertaining–so much more than menus and decorating and putting on a show. It means organizing our life in such a way that there’s always room for one more, always an extra place at the table or an extra pillow and blanket, always a welcome for those who need a listening ear. It means setting aside extra time for planned fellowship and letting go of lesser priorities for impromptu gatherings.

Hospitality is an attitude. It’s a sense of your presence, of “being there,” and opening your heart to others. It’s joyfully anticipating and responding to people’s needs. Webster’s defines it this way: “The generous reception and gracious entertainment of strangers or guests; the disposition to extend friendly treatment to guests.”

Making room for the spontaneous

“We rob ourselves of so much joy when we limit our hospitality to what can be arranged in advance,” writes Emilie Barnes in her book, The Spirit of Loveliness. “We enrich our lives when we get in the habit of spur-of-the-moment hospitality. Planning for spontaneous hospitality is one of the most important ways of giving the gift of friendship. Friendships are cultivated through spending time together.”

Drop-in or spontaneously invited guests can be the most delightful. Nothing feels more special to me than to be spontaneously invited over for a “family meal.” We have some friends who do all their entertaining this way. A phone call and a “What have you been up to–can you come over in half an hour for pizza?” is so refreshing.

Extending hospitality on the spur of the moment requires flexibility, but it also takes planning. Here are some tips that will help you feel prepared.

Remember that your guests do not come from perfectly clean homes, nor do they have perfectly stocked shelves. They don’t expect an extravagant dinner, in fact, they are probably embarrassed for putting you through extra trouble. Be happy and welcoming; offer them the best you are able to prepare and do it without apology.
Have a standby, something you can put together on the fly. A canned ham, tuna fish, a jar of spaghetti sauce, frozen waffles, or berries and ice cream are great to have on hand. After you have used up your standby, immediately replace it.
Make it a habit to keep the living-room and bathroom clean. Clean them first in the day so you can open the door with a smile.
Use what you have to your best advantage. If you have individual soup pots, open a can of soup and sprinkle each serving with croutons to create elegant fare.
Accept your guest’s offer to help. Setting the table, pouring juice, or making salad can be done by anyone, and it will free you for other preparations.

Fun, formal hospitality

Sometimes it’s fun to throw an “event” with written invitations, elaborate decorations and lavish foods. Beautiful tablecloths, place settings and centrepieces can create lovely atmosphere.

These hints will help make your next dinner party a success.

Remember that we are not showing off, we are sharing ourselves and our things.
Be organized. Make lists.
Make your menu and shopping list at the same time. Some hostesses keep their favorite menus on file. They just choose an appropriate one when company is coming.
Do as much preparation ahead of time as possible. If you have too many things to do at the last minute, you won’t be able to enjoy your guests.
Clean your house regularly, not just before company comes.
When preparing, keep the sink full of hot, soapy water and wash as you go.
Prepare your family for the company. Tell your children about guests. Make sure your kids know what you expect of them.
Remember, food will come and go, but your guests are important. Be interested in them.

An attitude for all of life

Our hospitality aims to make our guests feel special and loved. But why reserve hospitality just for “company?” What are we saying to our families, if the only time we make special dinners is for guests? Hospitality can be an everyday attitude in our homes, whether guests are there or not.

If you live alone, be hospitable to yourself. Resist the temptation to always fork up a microwave dinner or to skip meals. At least some of the time, take the trouble to prepare a meal, set a place at the table and sit down in thanksgiving. When you treat yourself as an honored guest, you will feel nourished in body and spirit.

For all of us, the most important thing about hospitality is to take the pressure off ourselves and entertain in a way that will enable us to “just do it” with an attitude of opening our hearts and homes to share freely with others. So, do yourself a favor…and give yourself the gift of a friend.

Feeling the pressure to perform?
- Read Nadia’s story of her move to a new country and the pressure on her to succeed
- Or contact an online mentor and discuss your stresses with a willing listener

Tags: Culture, home and garden, Karen L. Schenk, Men, relationships, Women

2 Responses to “Scared to Have People Over?”

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Karen says:

November 23, 2009 at 3:05 pm

I think its easy to think that getting together with people means we have to have people at our homes and that it needs to be perfect. It’s great if you do what you can even if meeting in a restaurant. There are definitely seasons in our lives where we need to be flexible.
Cat says:

November 22, 2009 at 7:29 pm

I’m scared to have people over, but only because I share a 400′sq. basement apartment, and there’s room for only the two chairs, and the beloved keeps the lights frustratingly low and likes to walk around in his underwear.

I’ve taken to inviting folks out to restaurants instead, particularly communal meals where the more people you get, the less money it is per person. When I get a bigger place, then I can start putting some of these suggestions into play.