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What Do You Fear?
What do you fear, and why? Is it holding you back from realizing your full potential?
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1st problem was at the Hops & Barley during early courtship.
I was accused of earlier arrival. My car was inspected for hood heat and dryness under car as it was raining. A confrontation ensued with other patrons of the restaurant with who Ben thought I was in some way flirtatious with. Just not my style, but anyway …
Shortly after our return from honeymoon, Ben started with financial problems which I took on without question putting myself under financial strain. Bearing in mind that I had just relocated from Johannesburg and my business was a mere 6 months old.
When I was invited to move in and marry I was informed that the house was mine to do with as I wished. The first item I purchased was a lounge suite as there was none. I went onto to furnish the lounge with a large flat screen TV primarily for rugby viewing. This resulted in replacing Ben’s TV cabinet as it was not designed for a large TV. It was not long after that the problems ensued primarily due to my enhancing the home. I also replaced the bedroom suite as his was old and also shared with his former wife. Later he admitted that he was jealous but since forgotten that admission and to this day I have never heard the end of it. I love beautiful things and I thought I would be judged favourably but he just broke down everything I tried to do for the home.
Things just went from bad to worse thereon, and I think the problem manifested itself when Ben threatened suicide and waved a firearm in the lounge and discharged a shot outside from where he was sitting in the lounge. He left shortly after that in a clients’ car threatening suicide leaving me at home not knowing what to do and not accepting my calls. This was around April 2007 ( we married Dec 2006). To this day, I think I might have made a mistake but at the time I just did not know what to do so I called the police in. I wanted them to find him, but because he was armed they took it as a serious matter and the saga ended up hours later after Ben who was initially depressed due to his ex-wife having purchased his son a 2nd cellphone to the one he provided and then after a phone call and from confirmation from me discovered that his ex-wife and his son Mitchell visited another son of Bennie’s (Vernon) who Bennie was at the time not on good terms with at the time. This just seemed to have driven him over the edge. It ended with his son Mitchell and ex-wife arriving and somehow things turned rather sour where I became the victim after Ben publicly humiliated by screaming at how much me hates me etc. Anyway he left with his ex-wife and son and returned awhile later. I also discovered that he was communicating with an ex-girlfriend which felt like a double betrayal to me. He also forbade his 14 year old son to acknowledge me and this was quite hard living under the same roof where one is to be ignored.
In any event, I started tiring of always having to bear the financial responsibilities and I said I could not pay the rent. Well that was the last month we stayed at the house. From there we moved into the flat we currently reside in Durban North with all bills placed in my name and things were just as bad as it was at the Umhlanga residence. So much has happened that I even forget, but one of the things I remember, we had 3 pumice stones in the bathroom and as I am a home-fiddler, always striving to perfect the home from a décor point of view, I moved his pumice stone to the guest bathroom unaware of the ramifications of my actions. The end result, an ornament I had recently purchased was thrown at the mirrors in the lounge which shattered. Although my insurance company replaced the damage at R2,300 or thereabout, Ben left the home and this was just 1 out of 7 times he vacated the household in 8 months each time after a incidence. I also remember another instance when he had left and refused to return my keys and had no further rights to the household, he arrived late one evening after I had already gone to bed – he ripped the bedding and my pj’s off leaving me naked – no doubt in an attempt to humiliate me.
In May this year, I agreed to our re-trying under certain conditions which he adhered to for exactly 4 months and then things went sour again compounded by my 18 year old son who returned to live with us to complete his studies after emmigrating to Italy when he was just 12 years old. Since then he has picked on my son for unmade beds, messy bathroom toilets etc.
But what got me to write today, (and I have left so much out) was due to my sadness at the death of my precious Siamese cat which plunged 6 floors to his death due to Ben leaving the window open.
I have often felt like a verbal punch-bag but having a strong personality, I tried my best to avoid confrontations by becoming quiet but despite my strength, I have found that my hair is thinning … no doubt due to stress and I really just can’t function in my work and my business has suffered so badly. This got me researching the web and it confirmed my thoughts … I am a victim of verbal abuse. It saddens me a great deal but I now realize what a fool I have been in accepting him back in May this year. My husband is a control freak and an abuser.
I feel numb and I know I can never enjoy an intimate relationship with Ben again not that I need worry as he mostly sleeps in the lounge anyway.
But – where to from here. I have to pick my business up again somehow, find a new home and educate my precious son and to provide him with all the support he needs.
If I do not speak up and expose this situation, the verbal abuse will turn into physical abuse so I am going to take a pro-active stance in this situation and will call for help wherever it can be obtained.
I am glad that you are determined to take a “pro-active stance”. Remeber though that your direction determines your destination. No matter your intentions or desire, you must take active measures to change the direction you’re headed and align it with where you want to go. We women can be very strong creatures if we rely on the help and comfort of our creator, God. When you remember Christ who suffered and struggled to do what God had planned for Him, then you will be able to find that secret strength!
God bless you and heal you my friend.
Just thought you might want to check out this girl and her videos. She has the biggest heart. For a 40 year old she is something else. Has traveled the world over 3 times. The world champion and many other titles in her sport. Her personality is somethings else. I have read letters from mothers that she has taught lessons to their children. She is sweet and her beauty is as deeper inside than out. It would make a great story. Her life has had ups and downs like everyone, she lost her sister Kellie(downsydrome)which was her best friend and Kellie thought she was everything. Just thought it would be a great article. She can take a hit and still find sunshine at the end.
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